greengoddess Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Now you do understand that there are just as many married women in affairs as married men? It isn't always big bad evil men praying on "young" girls. Did you realize that most affairs are not when the parties are in their 20's or 30's but older? Your first post was off putting and maybe you don't even realize how much you do participate in the us vs them mentality as well? yes I always do try to fix the whole gender thing and often mess that up. I do realize there are many women cheaters too. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Exactly sometimes that will be the case so why not warn a young women starting an affair to run!! That these things are what some men do? Why paint a prettier picture. Do you ever wish you never began your affair to begin with? Would you ever want your daughter to go through what you did? I am sorry but I HATE men using women and hurting them. The married men might not even think they are using them until a dday comes and they run back to their wife. It's sickening and I want to protect these women from having YEARS of their lives wasted. Very honourable intentions. The point I was making stands. There are posts which are inaccurate, one-sided and even make false claims, just to try and push an opinion on to a poster. Accusing posters of outright lying because you (general you) don't like what they're saying is just disruptive in my view. And no, I don't regret the fact I have the relationship I have now, even though he was married when I met him. Do you think perhaps, gg, the fact you feel so VERY strongly and are so VERY passionate might mean sometimes your advice and views are not balanced or delivered fairly? And I'm asking out of interest, not making a judgement. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 I've seen MANY people currently in an A get VERY testy at the mere suggestion that their MM/MW might be lying to them AND the BS. Would that EVERYONE could be open-minded to the fact that sometimes those assertions will be the case. Exactly. Needs to work both ways. That acknowledgement... Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Very honourable intentions. The point I was making stands. There are posts which are inaccurate, one-sided and even make false claims, just to try and push an opinion on to a poster. Accusing posters of outright lying because you (general you) don't like what they're saying is just disruptive in my view. And no, I don't regret the fact I have the relationship I have now, even though he was married when I met him. Do you think perhaps, gg, the fact you feel so VERY strongly and are so VERY passionate might mean sometimes your advice and views are not balanced or delivered fairly? And I'm asking out of interest, not making a judgement. I am passionate because I see a trainwreck about to occur and I would like to help stop it. That trainwreck can be either the bs and family being hurt or the ow/om being hurt. SOMEONE WILL BE HURT and there is no reason for it. End one relationship before you begin another and do not enter into a relationship with someone involved with another. It is so simple. Demand certain things before you jump. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Joey, It's all about perception here, as far as the eyes can see and the mind can read what was posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 I am passionate because I see a trainwreck about to occur and I would like to help stop it. That trainwreck can be either the bs and family being hurt or the ow/om being hurt. SOMEONE WILL BE HURT and there is no reason for it. End one relationship before you begin another and do not enter into a relationship with someone involved with another. It is so simple. Demand certain things before you jump. Are you able to accept/respect that yours is not the opinion of a) everyone in society? b) the membership of this board? Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Are you able to accept/respect that yours is not the opinion of a) everyone in society? b) the membership of this board? to be honest I find that hard to believe. I think most people involved in an affair probably wish they demanded more of the married person before they got involved. I think it is very few om/ow who are in an affair because they like being a third person in a marraige. I think for many people who jump into an affair they have no idea what is about to happen to their life. The highs and lows of leading this kind of lifestyle... You may be really happy with your relationship now but doesn't apart of you wish you had a lovely story to tell about how you get together instead of saying well he was married at the time and... Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Are you able to accept/respect that yours is not the opinion of a) everyone in society? b) the membership of this board? EVERYONE has a different opinion. Are we all able to accept that? One thing, though - I've said this often. When someone is involved in a situation, often they wind up in a "can't see the forest for the trees" circumstance. Therefore, opinions during the "heat of the A" are going to be skewed. And THAT is my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Are you able to accept/respect that yours is not the opinion of a) everyone in society? b) the membership of this board? to be honest I find that hard to believe. I think that helps shed light on the way you approach the subject and other posters. Thank you for being so honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 to be honest I find that hard to believe. I think most people involved in an affair probably wish they demanded more of the married person before they got involved. I think it is very few om/ow who are in an affair because they like being a third person in a marraige. I think for many people who jump into an affair they have no idea what is about to happen to their life. The highs and lows of leading this kind of lifestyle... Is it hurt due to you being an OW that makes you so passionate about preventing others from copying your choices? You may be really happy with your relationship now but doesn't apart of you wish you had a lovely story to tell about how you get together instead of saying well he was married at the time and... Again gg, you're attempting to project your own feelings on to my personal life. I had 2 long term relationships with single men. One sadly didn't work out, one was a car crash! Do you think the HOW of our meeting should be the only significant factor in our relationship? Do you feel we should be ashamed for the next forty years because one of us left a very sad situation in order for us to be together? We have many lovely stories gg, one or two in particular stand out. I have more romantic memories in 18 months than the previous 15 years of the 2 previous men in my life. And actually, depending on your point of view, perhaps it is THE most romantic story... He turned his whole life upside, we both suffered such bittersweet pain and ultimately proved our love for each other, overcoming many obstacles along the way. SOME may see it like that, gg. You won't, but some might. Yours is not the only way, gg. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 (edited) Are you able to accept/respect that yours is not the opinion of a) everyone in society? b) the membership of this board? I think it's fair to say that not all people are the same. It's also fair to accept that everyone on this board (or anywhere) can only base their opinions on their own personal experiences and beliefs. Different "societies" view infidelity in different ways. It's quite easy to tell what an individual's view is based on what they post. If you (the general you) know that a poster has a certain POV, then it should be no surprise when they post an opinion that either agrees or conflicts with the subject. If an OW/OM isn't interested in the POV of a BW/BH, then skip over it. If you (again the general you) are looking for "support" from just "one side", why spend so much energy trying to silence anyone who does not give you what you come here for? Isn't it easier to just take what you need and leave the rest? Many people come to LS because there are varying views. Many want to read about real life from all POV's. If it seems like a feud, it's because it is a feud. Sometimes an all out war. But, that is real life. If you want a round of hugs when engaging in discussion about infidelity, this may not be the right place to get them. IMO. Edited March 24, 2011 by herenow Link to post Share on other sites
thomasb Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Are you able to accept/respect that yours is not the opinion of a) everyone in society? b) the membership of this board? And can you not understand that to the majority of society affairs are beyond respect and common decency. That they are morally and ethically reprehensible? It has to work both ways. Believing as I do happens to the 'other' side too. Not all of us feel that what we have done is right. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 And can you not understand that to the majority of society affairs are beyond respect and common decency. That they are morally and ethically reprehensible? It has to work both ways. Believing as I do happens to the 'other' side too. Not all of us feel that what we have done is right. Well, I think most people's lives have been touched by infidelity. I don't see how being single-minded on a board devoted to such a controversial and emotive subject can be useful or positive. Link to post Share on other sites
thomasb Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Experience with the subject matter will make most people able to use their own reasoning skills on what their personal opinion is based on. Just because someone doesn't agree with you does not make them wrong and you right. And isn't that what this is all about? Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 I Do you feel we should be ashamed for the next forty years because one of us left a very sad situation in order for us to be together? We have many lovely stories gg, one or two in particular stand out. I have more romantic memories in 18 months than the previous 15 years of the 2 previous men in my life. And actually, depending on your point of view, perhaps it is THE most romantic story... He turned his whole life upside, we both suffered such bittersweet pain and ultimately proved our love for each other, overcoming many obstacles along the way. SOME may see it like that, gg. You won't, but some might. Yours is not the only way, gg. The way I read it, GG is asking if you would prefer to have met him when he was single. I don't think she ever said she isn't happy for two people in love who are together. I think she is saying that many OW would rather not be in an affair to begin with. Please correct me if I'm wrong GG. But, if that is what you are saying, then I agree. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Well, I think most people's lives have been touched by infidelity. I don't see how being single-minded on a board devoted to such a controversial and emotive subject can be useful or positive. Because it shows people the real pain and emotion that affairs can cause. Real life experiences from a different POV. How is that not useful? Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 The way I read it, GG is asking if you would prefer to have met him when he was single. I don't think she ever said she isn't happy for two people in love who are together. I think she is saying that many OW would rather not be in an affair to begin with. Please correct me if I'm wrong GG. But, if that is what you are saying, then I agree. I read it that her view was that I should be disappointed in some way. Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Well, I think most people's lives have been touched by infidelity. I don't see how being single-minded on a board devoted to such a controversial and emotive subject can be useful or positive. Just because some don't want to read it? It can still be considered 'useful or posititive' to others who are searching. Encouragement into the A, is a negative. You don't shut down input because you consider it 'controversial'. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 I read it that her view was that I should be disappointed in some way. Well, would you have preferred that he had been single when you met him? Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Because it shows people the real pain and emotion that affairs can cause. Real life experiences from a different POV. How is that not useful? It's about being single-minded. I do not see how that can help. By refusing to acknowledge that the poster may have a point, or may be telling the truth it shows disdain or disrespect, potentially. To then ask that person to listen to YOUR view when you had no interest in theirs is unlikely to be fruitful for either party. That's preaching, not engaging or supporting. Link to post Share on other sites
thomasb Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Point the finger back at yourself. That is exactly what you are asking for. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Well, would you have preferred that he had been single when you met him? I can't say. Because I am happier with him than I've ever been in a relationship. The other two were single and they weren't successful relationships. Point is, I'm NOT disappointed, or ashamed. That's because my views (and understanding of my situation) are different to gg's. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 It's about being single-minded. I do not see how that can help. By refusing to acknowledge that the poster may have a point, or may be telling the truth it shows disdain or disrespect, potentially. To then ask that person to listen to YOUR view when you had no interest in theirs is unlikely to be fruitful for either party. That's preaching, not engaging or supporting. To some people (myself included) there is only one view on infidelity. So, you are asking people to go against their personal views to make this board easier for you to read. I'm not sure that is possible on a public, open forum. Link to post Share on other sites
Moanin Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 I think it's helpful to get answers from both/all perspectives.....I haven't posted much, but I've been reading along since 2009. I do not find the quick one line statements such as "just get a divorce", "leave him/her" to be helpful at all...they are actually a waste of time... I hope that BentNotBroken doesn't mind me saying this, but I've watched her posts evolve from those of an angry BS (rightfully so) into an extremely helpful BS that is able to give insight into an affair from a BS’s perspective....her posts are fair and do not attack (so-to-speak). When I read a post that is filled with anger and bitterness, the point is lost on me.... Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 I can't say. Because I am happier with him than I've ever been in a relationship. The other two were single and they weren't successful relationships. Point is, I'm NOT disappointed, or ashamed. That's because my views (and understanding of my situation) are different to gg's. Do you think it's reasonable to assume that most OW would prefer that the man they are in love with was single when they met (if indeed they are in love with a MM)? Link to post Share on other sites
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