Can you explain this to me?

[slehcar]

My husband and I are approaching our 2 year anniversary next month. We got married when I was 7.5 months pregnant, so the first year of being married was filled with learning to be parents, learning to live together, learning to make financial decisions together, etc. etc. It was rough, and if there's such a thing as miracles, its probably a miracle that we even made it to where we are, today.

 

I am 23, and he is 31. We both have the sex drive of a teenager, and that's one of many problems. When we first started seeing each other 3 years ago, we were the typical new couple; couldn't keep our hands off each other, had sex as many as 3 times per day, and so on. The constant sex gave me a UTI, and it tapered off from there, and it just never picked back up.

 

You'd think that since we both have a high sex drive, there should be no problem, right? Well, wrong. He's gotten to where he grabs at me, and slaps my rear and pinches me and gives me hickeys, and it slaughters my desire for him. I day dream frequently about other men, and take care of my own sexual wants after turning him down and after he's gone off to sleep.

 

About a year ago, we decided to start trying for a second child, and after 8 months of trying, it finally took. I found I was pregnant in the beginning of February. He was disappointingly uninterested in the whole thing. Exactly 4 weeks ago today, I miscarried the baby after bleeding for 2 days. I come out of the bathroom to tell him what happened and he says, "What's the problem? The doctor told you it was going to happen." Like it wasn't my child that I just flushed down the damn toilet! He proceeded to be completely unsupportive throughout my entire grieving process. A week later, we were in the store and a friend who hadn't heard about the loss was congratulating me and I nearly started crying. My husband says, "Of for god's sake, just let it go!" I haven't wanted him to so much as touch me since then, except for the explicit act of injecting sperm. I don't want to cuddle, I don't want to kiss, and I sure as hell don't want him groping and touching me like I'm some sort of object that he is allowed to do as he wants with!

 

Once I told him that I wanted to start trying again immediately, he suddenly doesn't want to have "sex sex" with me; he's only interested in sticking it in different holes. You know, holes that can't lead to a pregnancy. He admitted this last weekend that he doesn't want any more children, and I figure that's why he was so uninterested in the last pregnancy, and so unaffected by the loss of it. He also knows that if he is going to prevent any more pregnancies (because I want one so bad, I'm not going on B.C.), he's going to have to either get a vasectomy or start using condoms, neither of which is an appealing option, so it seems like he's doing everything he can to avoid having actual intercourse with me.

 

I'm all about people having an adventurous sex life, and I'm usually pretty open to it. But I've told him that right now my only interest is getting pregnant again, so that our son can have a playmate, and so that I can move on from the loss of the last baby. This translates to: I will not give you BJs or let you in the back door until I am pregnant again, or at the very least, during "that time of the month." However, the more BJs I turn down, the more he asks. He's asked no less than ten times today if I wanted to put my face in his lap, and he's getting more and more pushy about it.

 

Even with the pregnancy thing aside, I hate giving my husband blowjobs. I hate it. He turns it into a job by putting a 'timeline' on it, and makes it demeaning for me by offering me money. "Hey, if you give me a blowjob, I'll give you $100." (I'm a stay-at-home mom, so I don't have "my own" money anymore). He EXPECTS blowjobs no less than once per week. However... he hasn't gone down on me in more than 2 years, except once last August when we were both drunk and he bit me so many times in the lady parts that I could barely sit down for 2 days! When I asked him about it a while back, he made this horrible face and said something to the effect of me having a gross vag. Yet he'll come home from 14 hours of working, whip out his nasty, sweaty, hairy junk and expect me to enjoy the salty taste of his dirty, sweaty... you get the point. Its downright offensive that he thinks I want money for sex, because I don't. I want INTIMACY, and when I tried to explain that to him, he didn't seem to comprehend. He can't get past the part where I won't give him a blowjob. He doesn't understand how unfair it is that I give and give in the oral department and I get less than nothing in return.

 

My husband is [morbidly] overweight, being well over 100 pounds overweight. He has been since I met him, and it hasn't been bothering me until lately, when I started losing baby weight (finally ) and came to a sickeningly realization that my husband is likely pre-diabetic and on the trail to killing himself with fast food in 5-10 years. In the past three years, I've gained almost 40lbs myself, most of that was in the pregnancy, but our eating habits are horrible. I've been working very hard on changing mine, because I don't want to die prematurely and leave our son without his momma. But my husband doesn't want to hear about how his weight is affecting his health (sleep apnea, gout, his knees and hips are going out, he has no energy to do anything anymore)... and he refuses to admit that he's still gaining weight. When we met, he was in a 3XL shirt, and now he's in a 4XL. He's gone up at least one pant size, and is definitely due to go up another. I'm just no longer physically attracted to him. I would never tell him that, but I have been trying to make it very clear that I am changing my eating and that I am taking our son and our dogs for walks now, and that I will help him if he ever decides he wants to not be dead by the age of 50.

 

In an immediate way, his weight scares me because of his needy ways of trying to get sex. If I turn him down when we're in bed, he'll start groping me with both hands, and pinching my thighs and biting at any part of my body that he can. He leaves hickeys (which I find absolutely disgusting) and when this fails to get me riled up into a horny frenzy (gosh, I wonder why?) then he pins my hands down and rolls over on me and puts his entire 330+lbs on me. I am claustrophobic, and having his face that close to mine for an extended period of time is incredibly awful for me. That, coupled with the immense amount of weight resting on my upper body, it becomes very difficult to breath. The last time this happened (about two weeks ago), I didn't fight him and I just lay there, hoping that he'd stop. He didn't get off of me. I very nearly passed out, and when he did roll off of me, I started crying and I told him if he touched me again I was going to deck him.

 

Basically... My husband is a selfish, sex-minded man who has started taking me far too much for granted and no longer appreciates me. He yells at me for not keeping the house immaculately clean (though he doesn't nothing to help), he watches TV for hours and hours and hours every day and downright ignores me when I try to talk to him, he gets mad at me for silly things like wanting to go with him when he buys some fish (fish tanks are MY hobby, not his!) and says I pay more attention to my computer than I do to him (and then denies that I try to talk to him at all, because he doesn't hear me when he's in front of the television). He is a pretty good daddy, and he loves our son to pieces, though he is just as disrespectful to our 2 year old as he is to me. He calls our son names like dickhead, butthole, jerk, dumby, etc... and tells me I can just leave if I have a problem with it.

 

I'm at the point where I no longer know what to do. Obviously, I could just start giving him everything he wants in bed, and we'd probably get along a lot better, but I think I'd be even less happy. Because my orgasm isn't something he's concerned about, unless I make it clear that I would like to experience one this month. Our son LOVES his daddy, and every single time I think about leaving, I look at that precious little face and think, "But... how can I take his daddy away from him?" I will gladly sacrifice my happiness for my son to be happy, and I feel that I have started down that path. However, I also feel that there is a way that all three of us can be happy, and there is a way that I can have a second child and all four of us can be happy, and we can continue being married and our sex life can get better and I can get him to understand that I want to be respected in bed and out of it, in the exact same way that I try to show him respect at all times. He refuses to go in for counseling, saying its for people who have problems, which he obviously doesn't have. We don't have deep conversations, and I've come dangerously close to having emotional affairs just to fill that hole in my life. I have nobody to TALK to, and I can be sitting right next to my husband, and feel like the loneliest woman on the planet.

 

The miscarriage last month really did a number on me, and I've stopped taking so many things and so many people for granted. But it also made me feel like there is a hole in our family where another baby belongs, and I am honestly at the point where I want another baby more than I want to be married. If he really does decide that he isn't going to have any more children, I know that that is the final straw, and I know that I will pack up our son and be out of here before he's even done getting cut. But until he gets an actual vasectomy, I am harboring the hope that I can get pregnant again, and that we can fix this. I want to fix this, I want to be married to the man that I married! This selfish, unappreciative guy isn't the guy I fell in love with. The guy I married was sweet, and he loved me, and he made me feel appreciated, and he was supportive of me when I was down about something. I can't get past the "well, you knew it was going to happen," and I keep wanting to ask him, "Hey, if your mother was told she had terminal cancer and she died, would it be OK if I told you not to be sad about it because you knew she was going to die?" Yes, that is the exact same thing to me, because although that baby probably never had a heartbeat and never got a name and never got to be held in my arms, s/he was a real baby to me and I loved it as much as I love our living son.

 

This post has gone on way, way longer than I intended. I tend to go a little overboard when I start in about that guy, because he's the only guy I've ever met who can get me so riled up!! I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not...

[TigerCub]

First of all, I am truly sorry for your miscarriage and all the pain you're feeling because of it.

 

Now, I'm going to address the rest of your post.

From all you wrote about your H - you seem disgusted by him, according to you - he's way too overweight, he's gross, he doesn't even care about pleasuring you, and on top of all that, he treats you like a whore, by offering you money for blow jobs, because you don't have your "own" money.

- did I get all that right?

 

So, if that's the case, why do you even want another child with him??

 

I am harboring the hope that I can get pregnant again, and that we can fix this. I want to fix this, I

 

I'm sorry, I understand that right now you're feeling like something is missing because of the miscarriage - and I can only imagine what that's like - I do sympathize, but if your husband doesn't want anymore children - you can't force that on him.

 

You guys don't even have the greatest of relationships (as you described it), so how is it fair to bring another kid into all this - that's so unfair to the child.

 

some women out there think "oooh, a baby will fix things, a baby will be the perfect solution to this terrible marriage", but its not, it just adds 1 more innocent person that ends up getting hurt by all of this.

 

At the end of the day you and your H are using each other.

 

He's using you as a maid, babysitter, part time whore

 

and you are using him as a sperm donor and provider.

 

If he doesn't want kids, you need to accept that and not try adding another kid to "fix" a marriage or fill a void. I truly am sorry about your miscarriage, but please concentrate on the child that you have, and seek counseling to get past the pain of losing your unborn baby, but don't add an unwanted kid to the mix - that would be so unfair to him/her.

 

**HUGS**

 

Also - just wanted to add - I think that its weird, where you mentioned that you wont leave your H because your son will miss his daddy - but then you say you will leave your H if H doesn't want another baby.

I don't even really know what to make of that - because what happened to your son missing his daddy?

 

I'm not saying stay or go, I'm just saying that it seems like your thinking is coming from this emptiness you're feeling because of the miscarriage - I think its fueled more by feelings/pain than logic.

So I really do hope that you seek therapy to deal with what you went through.

Edited March 24, 2011 by TigerCub

[xxoo]

In an immediate way, his weight scares me because of his needy ways of trying to get sex. If I turn him down when we're in bed, he'll start groping me with both hands, and pinching my thighs and biting at any part of my body that he can. He leaves hickeys (which I find absolutely disgusting) and when this fails to get me riled up into a horny frenzy (gosh, I wonder why?) then he pins my hands down and rolls over on me and puts his entire 330+lbs on me. I am claustrophobic, and having his face that close to mine for an extended period of time is incredibly awful for me. That, coupled with the immense amount of weight resting on my upper body, it becomes very difficult to breath. The last time this happened (about two weeks ago), I didn't fight him and I just lay there, hoping that he'd stop. He didn't get off of me. I very nearly passed out, and when he did roll off of me, I started crying and I told him if he touched me again I was going to deck him.

 

I'm not sure I'm reading this right, and I don't want to overreact....but this sounds like rape to me. If this is the case, you NEED to leave.

 

Do you have a place to go? Family you can stay with?

 

Please don't have another baby with this man.

 

I'm very sorry about your miscarriage. Take care of yourself and your son.

[TigerCub]

I'm not sure I'm reading this right, and I don't want to overreact....but this sounds like rape to me. If this is the case, you NEED to leave.

 

Do you have a place to go? Family you can stay with?

 

Please don't have another baby with this man.

 

I'm very sorry about your miscarriage. Take care of yourself and your son.

 

Oh my!! I totally missed that part you quoted.

 

Yes, OP, that sounds like rape - that's never ok - please find some family that you can be with while you're in such a vulnerable state

[Eddie Edirol]

Sorry to tell you this, but you are bieng extremely selfish to be willing to use this guy to make a baby for your own satisfaction, without even thinking about how much more dysfunctional your family would be.

 

Its obvious you have to leave this man, move somewhere else for a while, and then state your grievances when he is distraught enough to talk about it.

 

But if you really want to repair your marriage, you have to forget about a baby for a while. You cant just make things better just to make a baby because you WANT one, the idea is to make a happy family, not to just make another kid for the purpose of keeping the other one company. You dont even have the happy family now.

 

If you really want to make the marriage work, you will have to work for it. You have to make him miss you, tell him what your problems with him are, give him a chance to fix them, get the romance back into your relationship where you actually desire sex with him, and he is willing to do what you want, and when all that is solid, THEN you talk about another baby.

 

But to be honest, it sounds like this has gopne too far to be fixed and both of you have already given up. Youre 23, whatever you do, just dont have another baby. At least not with this guy.

[slehcar]

Now, I'm going to address the rest of your post.

From all you wrote about your H - you seem disgusted by him, according to you - he's way too overweight, he's gross, he doesn't even care about pleasuring you, and on top of all that, he treats you like a whore, by offering you money for blow jobs, because you don't have your "own" money.

- did I get all that right?

 

So, if that's the case, why do you even want another child with him??

 

...Yes, I think you got all that right. Sounds so awful when you put it like that, but I suppose it is awful, or I wouldn't be feeling so sad.

 

The disgust of his weight and lifestyle comes and goes, so a lot of the time I consider it a non-issue. I've always loved him despite his size; I always try to see the best in EVERYBODY despite their size. I know from personal experience that sometimes people are so overweight because there are very deep feelings of loneliness and abandonment going on, and sometimes the best thing you can do is befriend them instead of judge them. In my husband's case, the befriending went a bit further and we fell in love and had a very fulfilling relationship for a year and a half or so. A few months into the marriage and after I had "officially" quit my job (maternity leave ended and it was established that I wasn't going back to work), its like the responsibility of caring for a wife and a child hit him and we started fighting constantly about money. I think it was at about that time that he started putting weight on again, and I only just now realized that I've driven him away and probably caused even more emotional eating in the past year, thus contributing to the obesity problem instead of helping to solve it.

 

The second child that I want... I don't know why I want it so bad, its just that I do. Ever get that feeling? I want a second child in the way that a starving person might just want a meal. I want to feel the baby moving in my tummy, I want to feel the pain of childbirth, I want to hold my newborn in my arms again (instead of somebody else's)... I want to watch my son grow up with a sibling and a playmate and a best friend. And I admit it -- I want to feel the peace in myself again that I felt for most of my first pregnancy, the complete happiness in my life and in my choices, and knowing that my body was doing something amazing. I think pregnancy is a beautiful thing, and I want to experience it again. Selfish? Yes, I think so. But up until last weekend, I thought my husband wanted a second child, too! It was he who brought up trying for a second in the first place, almost a year ago now. I don't know when he changed his mind; he never told me.

 

And... I keep thinking about how my son will be going to school in a couple years, and I want to extend this period of my life where I am just a mother, and not anything more (job-wise). When he goes to school, I might as well pick up a job... and just a couple more years of this doesn't seem like enough.

 

Also - just wanted to add - I think that its weird, where you mentioned that you wont leave your H because your son will miss his daddy - but then you say you will leave your H if H doesn't want another baby.

I don't even really know what to make of that - because what happened to your son missing his daddy?

I don't want to leave because my son is so happy here, with his daddy. But if my husband goes and gets cut, without my permission, then he is making decisions for our entire family without my input, and in the very same action, taking away the only thing I want right now. If we sat down and talked about it first, it would be a different thing, and I'd stay around and just learn to become OK with our tiny family. But at this point, that's not how that would happen, and I just don't think I can handle him taking away a prospect of a second child without even listening to my input about it. Does that make sense? My son would still miss his daddy, but... I don't know. I don't view myself as a very selfish person, and I guess I think of this as one issue where I should put my own wants first? Honestly, I don't even know why that's different, it just feels different when I think about it.

 

I'm not sure I'm reading this right, and I don't want to overreact....but this sounds like rape to me. If this is the case, you NEED to leave.

Oh dear! No, its not rape. When he lays on me, he's clothed, I'm clothed, he doesn't grope me or force me to do anything, he doesn't do anything to me, he just lays there, kind of like he's trying to just kiss me but he forgot a step or something. Sometimes he does try to kiss me, but as I mentioned -- I'm claustrophobic and the combination of him being RIGHT THERE in my face and him weighing so much that I can't roll away gets me panicky and I feel like I don't have my own air. I do draw a line when it comes to any sexual abuse or physical abuse. I'd have left a long time ago if he'd ever tried to rape me, and the same if he ever tried to hit me. I know I don't have the most self-respect, but I do know that I deserve better than somebody who physically hurts me. I do suspect emotional abuse sometimes, but its so hard to find the line and harder still to see if its been crossed. And usually when I'm looking up emotional abuse, I'm looking it up because I'm P.O'd at him and if I'm angry enough after a fight or something, I'd be willing to try to convince myself of anything just for an excuse to continue being mad at him.

 

But if you really want to repair your marriage, you have to forget about a baby for a while. You cant just make things better just to make a baby because you WANT one, the idea is to make a happy family, not to just make another kid for the purpose of keeping the other one company. You dont even have the happy family now.

 

If you really want to make the marriage work, you will have to work for it. You have to make him miss you, tell him what your problems with him are, give him a chance to fix them, get the romance back into your relationship where you actually desire sex with him, and he is willing to do what you want, and when all that is solid, THEN you talk about another baby.

 

But to be honest, it sounds like this has gopne too far to be fixed and both of you have already given up. Youre 23, whatever you do, just dont have another baby. At least not with this guy.

 

Maybe I'm delusional, or even just desperate, or maybe just unwilling to admit that I made a major mistake when I married him -- I don't know -- but I really do still think that we can fix this. The guy that I married can't be completely gone, right? There's just some sort of communication gap that we can't seem to breach, and if we could start talking again, then we could sort out whether it'd be possible to be happy again.

 

In my head, it seems as easy as developing a common interest together. He's resistant, though. He golfs, I grow plants and I have my fish tanks. Those are our hobbies. I've started taking walks with my son in a stroller in the past three weeks or so, and I keep inviting him to come along, because if we're out there together for 20-40 minutes a day with no TV and no grocery shopping destination in mind, then we have to talk.

 

There are moments where we do have breakthroughs, too. The most prominent in my head was when we were doing some Christmas shopping in early December. We spent the whole afternoon together, just him and me and our son, and we talked about things like we used to. None of it was especially DEEP, but stories about our separate Christmases as kids, and I talked about my dad (who passed away several years ago) and he talked about his grandparents, most of whom have also passed away now. We connected that day, and we both enjoyed it, and not oddly at all, our intimacy increased for a period of time. And that just reinforces my belief that if we could figure out HOW to forge another connection like that, starting small and working deeper, then we could be happy!

 

I just don't know where to start! Or how to convince him to come walking with me, since I think that's the place to start.

 

I can put the desire for a second baby aside for now (I think), especially if I can convince myself that it isn't the answer to my love life. And maybe if we can start talking, that's where we should start.

 

But how do you get a guy who is very closed off to talk about his emotions? I know one step is to be more open to talking about my own emotions with him, but that doesn't necessarily mean he's going to open up. Is there more to it, or am I just hoping that there's an easy answer?

[Eddie Edirol]

Well that all depends on your guy. He might really not want to repair this.

Im just glad to see that you would prefer working on the marriage than the baby, a woman of reason, thats fantastic. Yeah anopther baby doesnt improve a love life, in fact it makes it worse. Babies are a serious trauma to a relationship and thats why most relationships dont survive.

 

As far as reaching him, well only you know him, so you know what he likes to talk about. But Not babies! if you are having money problems, he doesnt even want to think about working extra hours because you feel you want a baby. In a mans mind, The hours he works are not worth whim feelings.

if you nag him about things, dont do it. For a while, dont talk to him unless he initiates talk. let him watch tv, let him come to you.

 

If he wants sex when you are still replused, you can of course refuse him, but dont use a pregancy as a barganing chip anymore, this is the time to talk about how he repulses you and then you can tell him what he can do if he wants a willing sex partner. "I dont want sex if you do this, but if you did this, I will feel more in the mood and we can have more fun"

It sounds like he has gotten used to just demanding it and has given up on romance. Calmly and sexily ask him if he remembers how he used to seduce you and how sexy it was. If he is still attracted to you as a person, he will want to try that again, if not, he wont care about seducing you. At that point you have to go even deeper and find out from him why he has given up on your relationship.

[slehcar]

I'm not even sure that he really acknowledges that there's anything wrong. I'm guilty of over-thinking everything in my life, and I'm aware of that, so a lot of the time, I figure I'm just over-thinking our life and making the problems seem more prominent than they really are. I've recently realized that, even if I look too much into things, I'm still feeling lonely here, and I'm still feeling a little empty in my marriage, and that can't be right.

 

I THINK he feels it, just some of the things he says sometimes, that reflect almost exactly what I'm thinking, but we never delve deeper into those comments. I just kinda look at him and wonder if he meant what it felt like he meant, and we move on with our lives. So I think he feels that things aren't what they used to be, and maybe he blames me the way I blame him... or maybe he just assumes that that's how marriages go, because his best friend's marriage is much like ours, and it seems sometimes like his parents' marriage might be as well. If I didn't have a sister who is in a healthy marriage, I would think that this is just how marriages go, too, because its how my parents' marriage was. But I've seen through my sister and her fulfilling marriage and in a couple of friends who've been together for a decade and are still in the honeymoon of their relationship... and I don't see that here and I WANT it and I want to make it happen.

 

I feel pretty confident that if I approach him with our smaller disagreements, he'll be willing to put in effort to fix them, ESPECIALLY the ones in regards to how often we have sex. But the more I think about it, the more sure I am that our sex life is about things that are a lot less related to sex than they seem. For instance, when our son was born, H went on a diet and lost 30lbs. Just seeing him putting his health as any sort of a priority was such a turn on for me that although I wasn't supposed to be having sex until 6 weeks postpartum, it was ALL I could think about doing.

 

We aren't having money problems anymore. I don't think we really were then, either. He makes 100k per year, which is more than enough to support a family on in our area. When we were pregnant last month, his biggest concern was having to wait another 5 years or so to be able to afford a brand new mustang. We haven't fought about money in a long, long time. Having a baby isn't a financial issue anymore, really. It would put a slight delay in him having more toys is all, and considering that he spent most of his adult life being able to buy whatever he wanted when he wanted it, I can see that he still struggles with it, 2 years later. Its better now, though.

 

The idea of telling him that he's so big that it makes sex unappealing makes me a little sick to my stomach. I know I wouldn't want to hear that from him, and I certainly don't want to be the one to say it to him. I'm trying to think of a nicer way to put it. Something less painful for him to hear, and less painful for me to say.

 

Not talking to him until he talks to me... I can do that. I can see how that alone would relieve any bitterness about him ignoring me while he watches TV. If I don't try to ask him something, then he won't ignore me, and it won't irritate me.

 

I asked him the other day why he always assumed I wanted money in return for BJs. His answer was surprisingly simple, which I didn't expect. He said, "Well, I don't have anything else to offer you in return." That's not true, of course, so I told him that back massages and foot rubs TOTALLY count as return of the favor in my book. A direct return of favor seems pretty obvious as well, but he's made it fairly obvious that he hates doing that for me.

 

I want to work on the marriage AND the baby... I want to have my cake, and eat it too. Honestly. This strange maternal/hormonal desire to have another baby is not something that is just going to go away, even though I now understand that pursuing another pregnancy right now could very well end everything I have here, which is also not something I'm interested in doing. If I have to admit it to myself (and I do)... I want a secure family more than I want a bigger family. I need to be happy with what I have before I can truly be happy with anything more, and I see that now. I still want a baby very, very badly... but if we talk about it and he says no, I think I could be happy with a new puppy instead.

[Eddie Edirol]

Good for you sweetie, the pieces fit much better now dont they? Now its just a matter of seeing how to negotiate things you want and things that he wants. They compromises work much better when youre not irritated with each other. Your fantastic rational thinking is going to make this work. See what activity he can do for you in return for sex acts that he wants. he might not like foot rubs, but there might be something else he might like doing. Since hes 27, it will take some time before he outgrows the desire for toys, the more he cant get the more he wants, yknow? Kinda gotta throw him a bone once in a while. Maybe if he gets the mustang he cant mod it, but you have to try to predict how happy he would actually be with anything he gets in the long run. People get bored with toys after a while.

 

what was the original reason he lost weight when your son was born? Might have to get him in that frame of mind if its possible. if you can slip in how much of a turn on it was for you when he went on that diet, might make him think. I know you want to take care of a new baby really badly, I just wish you would put that energy and enthusiasm into your marriage first. I think that your enthusiam will grow as you see things progressing though.

 

As far as exploring his feelings, you might not be able to hit him with too much at once. if he doesnt like talking about that, you might want to find ways to ask him direct questions that dont need a long answer, and also let him know that you wont argue about it. Starting up feelings talks for guys is usually an argument that they cant win, so they just dont do it.

 

"i like when you _______" - positive reinforcement works alot more for a rebel type. Works on me, i know that much, doesnt put me in defense mode.

Nobody wants to do what theyre told, and many people just want to do the opposite to feel in control.

Edited March 24, 2011 by Eddie Edirol

[Karma24]

He calls our son names like dickhead, butthole, jerk, dumby, etc... and tells me I can just leave if I have a problem with it.

 

This is absolutely DISGUSTING and you allow your child to remain in this environment?! I wish to God I knew who you were so that I could contact Child Protective Services. You ought to be ASHAMED of yourself for failing to protect your son!

[slehcar]

I'm not really sure what the original reason was for him deciding to lose some weight when our son was born. I've been trying since then to tap back into that desire, but I can't seem to break through. I've lost around 20lbs since Thanksgiving, and right now my greatest hope is that my success will become his motivation. I've still got quite a ways to go, so hopefully as I get smaller, he'll become inspired to join in. Between now and then... I think I will go ahead and try to figure out his true motivation the last time and see if we can recreate that. That's a good idea; definitely one I hadn't thought of yet.

 

This is absolutely DISGUSTING and you allow your child to remain in this environment?! I wish to God I knew who you were so that I could contact Child Protective Services. You ought to be ASHAMED of yourself for failing to protect your son!

First of all, I am here seeking help to fix these exact same problems, thus removing this issue completely.

Second of all, in the two years that I have been a mother, and all of the people who have watched me be a mother, you are the first to be so bold as to insinuate that I am a terrible mother. So excuse me if I don't just go ahead and take your judgement at face value.

Thirdly, I don't tolerate the name-calling and I make arguments against him every time H decides to try one out. Son makes H mad about something, H overreacts, calls him a name, I call him out on the name-calling, we get in an explosive fight, and he tells me where to stick it. I'd agree whole-heartedly that I was a horrible mother, a horrible person even, if I allowed H to call Son names all day and night without reason or cease. I don't. So, really? You'd call CPS on me because sometimes in the heat of anger, H calls somebody a horrible name?

 

I'm not ashamed of myself at all. I am a wonderful mother; I nurture our son, I love our son, I make sure he is taken care of in every possible way, I give him independence, but I keep him safe. I encourage his self-esteem.

That is all I will say on that subject. I did not come here to be accused of something so ridiculous. I came here seeking support and advice. It would be great if you'd try to not attack me again, thanks.

 

For the record, the more I stand up against any name-calling (at me, at our son, at our dogs, even at H's parents), the less it happens. Please do excuse me for not being more clear about that, especially since I have evidently given the wrong impression in that respect.

[xxoo]

Oh dear! No, its not rape. When he lays on me, he's clothed, I'm clothed, he doesn't grope me or force me to do anything, he doesn't do anything to me, he just lays there, kind of like he's trying to just kiss me but he forgot a step or something. Sometimes he does try to kiss me, but as I mentioned -- I'm claustrophobic and the combination of him being RIGHT THERE in my face and him weighing so much that I can't roll away gets me panicky and I feel like I don't have my own air. I do draw a line when it comes to any sexual abuse or physical abuse. I'd have left a long time ago if he'd ever tried to rape me, and the same if he ever tried to hit me. I know I don't have the most self-respect, but I do know that I deserve better than somebody who physically hurts me. I do suspect emotional abuse sometimes, but its so hard to find the line and harder still to see if its been crossed. And usually when I'm looking up emotional abuse, I'm looking it up because I'm P.O'd at him and if I'm angry enough after a fight or something, I'd be willing to try to convince myself of anything just for an excuse to continue being mad at him.

 

Thank you for clarifying that. I was really alarmed!

 

Still, I think you are correct about the emotional abuse. Certainly, using your weight to pin your partner against their will--resulting in tears--is SOME kind of abuse.

 

I don't know if I'd call CPS....but I wouldn't live with a man that called our son horrible names. I'd leave, and get some legal counsel about the abuse issues and how it affects shared custody.

 

But the take home message: Do NOT NOT NOT make another baby with a man who calls your first baby horrible names. Heat of anger or not, calling a small child names is unexcusable. Believe me, please, you do not want to sign onto sharing custody of ANOTHER child with this man.

[Eddie Edirol]

I'm not really sure what the original reason was for him deciding to lose some weight when our son was born. I've been trying since then to tap back into that desire, but I can't seem to break through. I've lost around 20lbs since Thanksgiving, and right now my greatest hope is that my success will become his motivation. I've still got quite a ways to go, so hopefully as I get smaller, he'll become inspired to join in. Between now and then... I think I will go ahead and try to figure out his true motivation the last time and see if we can recreate that. That's a good idea; definitely one I hadn't thought of yet.

 

youre thinking from a womans point of view, only women work from hints and indirect suggestions like that. This will not work for a man, he will only wonder why youre working out, he might think youre doing it for someone else.

 

This way is great for when a guy wants his gf to lose weight, she will do it to have something in common and to compete with him, but it doesnt work that way for men. he wont be inspired, you have to go to him straight up about it and ask him what motivated him back then, which should open a good discussion.

[slehcar]

I don't know if I'd call CPS....but I wouldn't live with a man that called our son horrible names. I'd leave, and get some legal counsel about the abuse issues and how it affects shared custody.

 

But the take home message: Do NOT NOT NOT make another baby with a man who calls your first baby horrible names. Heat of anger or not, calling a small child names is unexcusable. Believe me, please, you do not want to sign onto sharing custody of ANOTHER child with this man.

One of the main reasons I haven't left yet, and the reason I hardly consider leaving as even an option is because it doesn't fix anything that is wrong here. I am ready and willing to admit that I am half of the problem in this relationship, and even if I do leave, I have no idea what I need to work on to make me a better partner, you know? Well, I have some ideas of course, but I don't feel I have enough.

 

If I leave him, he's not going to change, and the next person he gets into a relationship with is going to have the exact same problems that I have, which I strongly suspect are the same problems that the women before me had. I know its not my responsibility to fix him as a person, but he is my husband. I can help him. Because even if I do find that leaving is the best course of action, I still want him to go on and be happy with somebody, and if I don't at least try to help him fix his problems, then I can't rest easy knowing that I did my best. Does that make sense at all?

 

The way I see it (when I'm in a steady state of mind, like right now ) is that I can stay and we can figure out how to have our old relationship back. We can talk to each other again, and we can light that fire in our intimacy, and we can genuinely enjoy being around each other, and our son can grow up in a happy, healthy home, with only two people who act as his guardian.

 

If I leave, then worst of all, I have to go back to work and my son has to go into daycare, which I've read countless studies on how that affects their ability to trust, and they don't get the one-on-one love and attention that he gets now. But also, he gets to see the nasties of a divorce, which would almost certainly last a few years as we fought for custody. H isn't just going to let me have him. He'd dispute absolutely everything he could. Son would see that adults are horrible to each other, he'd hear horrible things said about me by H's family, and possibly horrible things said about H from my family (though never me. I am above that, though I admit that not all of my family is). Son's delicate little world would be torn to SHREDS, and he'd suddenly be getting passed back and forth between two households, his mom and his dad would be fighting all the time, the name-calling definitely wouldn't stop... Tell me how that is any better for Son than living in a secure environment with both of his parents, very little fighting, and being taken care of by ME, instead of some stranger?

 

Not to say that we're completely functional, and not to say that our home is even the healthiest home on the planet, but what he has now is one hundred thousand times bette than what he'd have if I left. And also not to say that I'm staying for the children, because there's more to it than that. I'm staying for Son, I'm staying for H, but mostly, I'm staying because I keep finding reasons on why that's the best option. For me... for all 3 of us.

 

H and I don't get along all the time, but we rarely have actual fights. Generally, if we're disagreeing on something, we just spend some time apart and both of us realize that we're fighting over something stupid, and we kiss and make up and go on with our lives.

 

youre thinking from a womans point of view, only women work from hints and indirect suggestions like that. This will not work for a man, he will only wonder why youre working out, he might think youre doing it for someone else.

 

This way is great for when a guy wants his gf to lose weight, she will do it to have something in common and to compete with him, but it doesnt work that way for men. he wont be inspired, you have to go to him straight up about it and ask him what motivated him back then, which should open a good discussion.

 

I'm more and more convinced that what is wrong between us a very simple communication gap, especially since you said that. I did some reading this morning about it, and it turns out that women talk too much and men prefer not to.

 

The basic suggestions I found online were to just back off and let him come to me (like you said), and then to keep the conversations short and sweet instead of trying to draw him into long, drawn out conversations. Its worked pretty well so far, actually. I just let him sit there and watch TV, or eat dinner, and if he wants to talk about something, he brings it up. And I've already found that I don't feel ignored, because I'm not trying to interrupt his other activity.

[Eddie Edirol]

Wow, youre doing great! keep the updates coming, Youre on a good track.

[Karma24]

 

 

First of all, I am here seeking help to fix these exact same problems, thus removing this issue completely.

Second of all, in the two years that I have been a mother, and all of the people who have watched me be a mother, you are the first to be so bold as to insinuate that I am a terrible mother. So excuse me if I don't just go ahead and take your judgement at face value.

Thirdly, I don't tolerate the name-calling and I make arguments against him every time H decides to try one out. Son makes H mad about something, H overreacts, calls him a name, I call him out on the name-calling, we get in an explosive fight, and he tells me where to stick it. I'd agree whole-heartedly that I was a horrible mother, a horrible person even, if I allowed H to call Son names all day and night without reason or cease. I don't. So, really? You'd call CPS on me because sometimes in the heat of anger, H calls somebody a horrible name?

 

I'm not ashamed of myself at all. I am a wonderful mother; I nurture our son, I love our son, I make sure he is taken care of in every possible way, I give him independence, but I keep him safe. I encourage his self-esteem.

That is all I will say on that subject. I did not come here to be accused of something so ridiculous. I came here seeking support and advice. It would be great if you'd try to not attack me again, thanks.

 

For the record, the more I stand up against any name-calling (at me, at our son, at our dogs, even at H's parents), the less it happens. Please do excuse me for not being more clear about that, especially since I have evidently given the wrong impression in that respect.

 

 

You can defend yourself all you want, it doesn't change what I said. There is no reason EVER why a parent should call a child-a TWO YEAR OLD!-those disgusting names. For you to allow him to remain in that environment of verbal abuse makes you just as guilty as that man you're married to.

[Sooner or Later]

I'm with Karma.

 

This man is abusive--to you AND to your son. For you to defend or minimize his calling a baby those names? Sick.

 

 

He won't pleasure you at all but expects you to service him--for money?

 

He pins you down, grabs at you, begs for bjs ten times a day, and treats you like crap after you miscarried?

 

Have some self-respect and get out.

 

I can't imagine what little self-esteem you must have in order to think that this situation is even remotely acceptable.

 

Certainly, do NOT bring another child into this mess of a marriage.

[Hanther]

Wow. Just...wow. You both have some serious issues. You *seem* rational, but in many ways you are just the opposite.

 

I think the REAL issue here (the reason you won't leave your husband) is because you want to continue to stay at home with your kid. You've brought that up twice now and I'm surprised no one has mentioned it. You even insinuated that you wanted another baby partly because you wanted to be able to stay at home longer. I mean really...your selfishness (and his!) are astounding. Part of me thinks that you were made for each other! But then I think of your child, and the fact that you so selfishly wished to bring another one into this mess and it just makes me sad.

 

I know you will come back and argue these points and then reiterate the other reasons you want to stay with your disgusting, abusive, perverse husband...

 

Ugh. You two are seriously disturbed.

[slehcar]

I had a nice long reply all typed out for you people, but I'm not even going to post it. I came here seeking help and advice on how to repair what was broken, and since all I can really give you is bits and pieces of the story (because I sure as Hell ain't giving out details. You've already threatened to call CPS because I'm so awful), all you guys can do is see the horrible parts and you ignore the other pieces I put in, and then you drop in insults in the mix of your "advice".

 

Sadly, this site is obviously not the warm-natured forum I thought it would be, where people could offer sincere advice and non-presumptuous thoughts.

 

Thank you Eddie Edirol for being the only person throughout this entire thread who's offered me any legitimate advice, and didn't bombard me with insults and further and further proof of what a horrible person I am. I will be taking the advice you've given me and hopefully be using it to stop the emotional abuse and repair my relationship, while going on to have a normal, happy, healthy family.

 

The rest of you? Pull your head out of your ass and see that not everybody who is in an imperfect marriage is a horrible person. Sometimes there are real reasons for staying, and being selfish isn't always a bad thing. And if you can't do that... go suck an egg.

[Woman In Blue]

He is a pretty good daddy, and he loves our son to pieces, though he is just as disrespectful to our 2 year old as he is to me. He calls our son names like dickhead, butthole, jerk, dumby, etc... and tells me I can just leave if I have a problem with it.

Maybe you're confused? This is NOT a "good daddy." This is an overweight, sweaty piece of sh*t who should be dragged behind the barn and shot.

 

Our son LOVES his daddy, and every single time I think about leaving, I look at that precious little face and think, "But... how can I take his daddy away from him?"

I wonder just how LONG it will be before you son also sees his father for the piece of sh*t he is? This is such a self-serving comment because you don't want to do the WORK involved in leaving this loser, like getting a job and becoming financially independent. So it's easier to say that you can't leave "because your poor son will miss his daddy." What kind of a mother allows an abusive loser like this around her child so he can call an innocent child a "dickhead" and "dummy?" Who DOES that? Someone whose too lazy to leave, that's who.

 

I will gladly sacrifice my happiness for my son to be happy, and I feel that I have started down that path.

There's a difference between sacrificing your happiness, and CHOOSING to stay because you don't want to do the work to get away from this waste of skin. BIG difference.

 

And for the love of GOD, quit pushing another pregnancy on this loser. He doesn't even know how to treat his FIRST kid and you're going to push ANOTHER one on him??? What is WRONG with you? And I agree with Karma - what kind of a mother allows her kid to be around an abusive lout like this? And then you try to defend yourself and him by saying he only does it when he's "angry" and you make him stop. You're so dysfunctional you don't even SEE the big picture here. You think your kid isn't going to UNDERSTAND what's going on whether you stop this abusive jerk and his big mouth or not?

 

Sorry, but just the fact that you brag about your husband's salary being $100k a year tells the whole story. You don't want to get a job so you want to get pregnant again instead to justify why you should continue staying home. It ain't rocket science. And the price tag for that is putting up with this sweaty, abusive, whale of a man who gropes you and only wants to worry about his OWN sexual pleasure. Just reading about him made me dry heave. What a freakin' prize HE is. And he's RIGHT when he says the ONLY thing he can offer you is money because he's completely WORTHLESS in every other way.

 

And lastly, don't come to freakin' LoveShak "to fix the problems in your marriage." You want US to pull OUR heads out of our asses? I think it's time YOU pulled YOUR head out of your ass! For God's sakes, this is an anonymous message board on the internet. What do you THINK we can offer you? You come in and pour your whole story out and then spend all your time defending this disgusting PIG you married, so what is it you want from US? Drag his overweight ass to a therapist for electro-shock therapy and pray that it works. Or do the HARD work of becoming financially independent and leave his worthless ass.

 

The only logical conclusion I can come to is that you're a troll, because no normal, compassionate wife or mother would allow this type of disgusting behavior by your husband.

Edited March 27, 2011 by Woman In Blue

[xxoo]

I will be taking the advice you've given me and hopefully be using it to stop the emotional abuse and repair my relationship, while going on to have a normal, happy, healthy family.

 

Sleh, you sound loving, caring, forgiving, and very optimistic. I do wish you and your family luck.

 

My concern is that emotional abuse isn't typically something that a couple can overcome. It usually gets worse over times. Sometimes it moves into physical abuse--and pinning you down with 300# until you are in tears is moving into the territory of physical abuse.

 

You are concerned about returning to work to support your child. You are concerned about the animosity between you and your H should you split up. Those are valid concerns.

 

But, if you do come to the point where you feel you need to leave, consider the positive side for your child: having one home where NO ONE is called names and NO ONE is abused. Having one home that is a safe haven. Your child needs and deserves that more than he deserves a stay at home parent.

 

At the very least, please see an individual counselor so you have a professional with whom you can discuss the dynamics of your relationship, and get their feedback. Eddie Edirol's suggestions are good ones, but your communication mistakes did NOT cause your H to abuse you--and changing your communication style won't end his abuse. Eventually, something else will piss him off, and he will respond in his ingrained, abusive style.

 

Keep your eyes open, Sleh. Good luck!

[slehcar]

@Woman in Blue - I get it. He's a loser. I'm an idiotic, self-serving, horrible person who is a terrible mother and a waste of space and air. The best thing I could do for my family (and the world in general) is give my child to a better parent, "drag my husband around a barn then shoot him", and then might as well go jump off a cliff myself, right? I'm obviously worthless and terrible. Its a horrible thing that I want to be the mother to my child, and that I should want to remain his main guardian figure as long as possible. He's probably doomed anyway, coming from such loser genes as he has. Thank you for pointing all of that out several times in a single post.

 

You are no better than he is, calling him the names you did and making sure to make them worse with every time you did. I realize the internet gives you a unique ability to anonymously be a complete as*hole to anybody and everybody, but really? Is this how you are in real life? Do you even have any friends who can stand to be around your judgemental mouth, with constant name-calling and obvious loathing for overweight people?

 

xxoo - I have been considering individual counseling, and I think you have a good point. A professional can probably offer a lot more insight into my relationship, especially since they aren't there to judge me and take my self-esteem out and hang it.

 

I imagine convincing him to go in for counseling can only be good for him and us as well, hm? Maybe even just relationship counseling, which would probably be easier to convince him of than individual.

 

I hadn't thought of any positive side of leaving him really, so thank you for putting that out there. If there is a way to get past this emotional abuse, then I want to try it, and hopefully a counsellor can help with that. If they agree and deem it pointless to try, then I'll keep in mind what you said and remind myself as often as needed that there are important and positive reasons to leave as well.

 

Thanks to you, also, xxoo. You've said what is hard to hear, but you aren't calling my husband names, you aren't calling me names, and you're at least respecting that I do have real reasons for wanting to work this out.

[xxoo]

I imagine convincing him to go in for counseling can only be good for him and us as well, hm? Maybe even just relationship counseling, which would probably be easier to convince him of than individual.

 

I'd suggest individual first, because marriage counseling is not useful or recommended for abusive relationships. An individual counselor can help you figure out what is really going on, and you can go from there (to marriage counseling, if appropriate).

 

I'm glad you are getting some help from this thread. I agree that some of the comments are harshly worded, and likely feel like more of the treatment you get at home. But the mistreatment of a child is something that justifiably upsets people. It will help if he has you stand up for him every single time, but he will still be negatively affected by hearing himself (or his mother) called nasty names by his father

[Sparty97]

Dump the chump. Seriously, what kind of self esteem issues do you have that you want to have ANOTHER kid with this guy? And can you please think about the damage this guy is doing to your son with the names he calls him?

 

Now all that said, this quote from you caught my eye:

"But if my husband goes and gets cut, without my permission"

 

Really? Permission? To control his reproductive ability? Imagine for a moment that a man said something like that about a woman...

 

Dump him and maybe find someone else in the future but understand that you have no more right to control him and what he does with his reproductive organs than he does to control yours.