Does the friend zone ever lead to getting back together?

[shawn923]

Just wondering... Lets say the dumpee is in NC, and still hurting from the break up. What if his ex BEGS them back, but only to be a friend... But she shows signs of still wanting the relationship. What does the dumpee do in this situation? Is it possible that with this break of NC, that u can "win" her back again? Or is she simply dropping breadcrumbs, and enjoys teasing the broken hearted??

[turokturok5]

Just wondering... Lets say the dumpee is in NC, and still hurting from the break up. What if his ex BEGS them back, but only to be a friend... But she shows signs of still wanting the relationship. What does the dumpee do in this situation? Is it possible that with this break of NC, that u can "win" her back again? Or is she simply dropping breadcrumbs, and enjoys teasing the broken hearted??

 

trust me, don't do it if she is begging you. Exact same thing happened to me, it may be different though in a way i guess because she did it while she was dumping me - cried, begged me to stay at her house and just "talk" as "friends" because she really wanted to be "good friends." I thought to myself, great, atleast she still wants something to do with me, i'll slowly rekindle her emotions. So i try to talk to her a few weeks later saying "hey, how are you" she pretty much ignores me and continues to ignore me for the next few attempts. I don't think they actually want our friendship, they're just feeling gulity for hurting us and figure if they offer friendship it will ease the pain. Let me tell you, it would've been a lot less painful if she had just said straight out "i don't want anything to do with you anymore" rather than emphasise that she desperately wanted me in her life still, then kick me to the curb. Left me thinking for a few weeks what is so wrong about me. So basically, i think you should save yourself from getting hurt even further and just stay NC. If you're really confident shes being legit though, then go for it!

[betterdeal]

Sometimes when you say, "No, I want to be more than friends and I'm not interested in being just a friend" it shows your true feelings and any doubts about them are dispelled.

[fresh8]

Exes like to keep their respective exes around for comfort and to heal. Then they can move on. If an ex really wants the other back, then they would be upfront and direct. That's my 2 cents.

[smudge21]

Just heard from my ex after deleting her on FB because I couldn't be her friend anymore. Told her everything and she really seemed desperate not to lose my friendship, but I just knew that if we went back there, I'd only end up hurting more, so had to stick to my guns and say goodbye.

 

I can't see how agreeing to being friends could ever lead to rekindling a relationship. The dumper has already moved on mentally and with you around still they in a way, get the best of both worlds. My ex was content with me being around but now is very upset that I've gone. Sorry love, but it was a relationship or nothing.

[radiodarcy]

Exes like to keep their respective exes around for comfort and to heal. Then they can move on. If an ex really wants the other back, then they would be upfront and direct. That's my 2 cents.

 

agreed. as someone who tried the friends route - - well -- much longer than i should have. it's a dead end. if an ex asks you to be friends - - it's best to state up front that that's not what you want - -unless of course, that really is what you want - - then you're fine. but if you want a relationship with that person, forget it - - the longer you allow an ex to keep you on as a "friend" the more likely she or he will take you for granted and not see you as much of anything else.

[Eddie Edirol]

It never works. If you want her to know what she is missing, you have to cut her off completely. She will get over yo0u faster when you hang around her or talk to her. Most likely she wont gain any attraction to you again anyway. The only way for that to happen is if you show her you dont need her, start partying, let her see you with another woman. It might help you heal, and it will tear her up. Bieng friends with her, no matter how she begs, wont make her want you again.

[shawn923]

Dammit...

 

Judging by all ur responses it seems as if I made a big mistake. We're texting as we speak... I might as her to go out somewhere this weekend. Cuz i Know if were alone together, feelings WILL come back... if she declines my offer, im gonna tell her straight up, "what was the point in being friends again?"

[Eddie Edirol]

Dammit...

 

Judging by all ur responses it seems as if I made a big mistake. We're texting as we speak... I might as her to go out somewhere this weekend. Cuz i Know if were alone together, feelings WILL come back... if she declines my offer, im gonna tell her straight up, "what was the point in being friends again?"

 

Her point of bieng friends (she would never tell you this) is a selfish one. It is so she can slowly wean herself off what she was accustomed to. She was used to seeing you all of the time, sharing things, talking to you. Thats why you have to cut her off. You make it easier for her to get over you when u are pining for her - its a constant reminder of what turned her off about you.

 

Another reason is probably because she might be after a guy right now and he isnt giving her attention. Her self esteem might be down and she needs you to pick it up to make her feel somewhat desirable. But that means you are in the friend zone, because she is just using you, women dont use guys they are attracted to for self esteem, they just date them. Get it?

[geegirl]

Dammit...

 

Judging by all ur responses it seems as if I made a big mistake. We're texting as we speak... I might as her to go out somewhere this weekend. Cuz i Know if were alone together, feelings WILL come back... if she declines my offer, im gonna tell her straight up, "what was the point in being friends again?"

 

She wants to be friends to feed her own selfish needs. She wants attention. It boosts her to know that someone is chasing her. It has nothing to do with you or your needs. Someone who cared about how you felt, especially knwoing you are emotional and want a relationship, will cut you loose and let you heal and respect your space and time to recover. She wants her cake and she wants to eat it too. She doesn't give a damn about how these games are affecting you or how her actions are causing you confusion. I know if I cared about someone and couldn't give them what they wanted, I would let them heal in peace.

[shawn923]

Ok... and what if i slipped up and gave her that attention? Is she satisfied for life and will no longer need me? Or will she eventually come back AGAIN after i stop showing attention? Because she seemed pretty content with never speaking to me again this time around.

[Call Me Al]

I tried to be friends with one ex immediately after breaking up.

 

In the end, it contributed to us having a breakup that was incredibly painful, bitter, and angry. I havent spoken to her since early 2009.

 

It'll be a true test of your 'friendship' the day she tells you about some new guy shes dating.

[Eddie Edirol]

I tried to be friends with one ex immediately after breaking up.

 

In the end, it contributed to us having a breakup that was incredibly painful, bitter, and angry. I havent spoken to her since early 2009.

 

It'll be a true test of your 'friendship' the day she tells you about some new guy shes dating.

 

Exactly. Shawn She will keep hanging with you until she gets tired of you and is completely replused by you, or when she gets a new guy. Then instead of telling you she is done with you, she'll tell you about the new guy to make you go away, or just ignore your calls.

 

She might come back, but it will be for just platonic attention. if you give it to her while she isnt attracted to you, you will just look like a wuss puppy dog that follows her around and does whatever she needs.

[danrs]

It'll be a true test of your 'friendship' the day she tells you about some new guy shes dating.

 

And there it is. Imagine yourself having that conversation with her. She's telling you about the "new guy" she is so excited about. She's so excited they are going to move in together! Can you handle that, and walk away from a meeting with her not feeling so crappy you want to kick a wall upon hearing the news? If you can't NOT do that, then you are not ready to be friends with her on your terms. When it can be on your terms (she's a true friend you enjoy platonic time with) and not her terms (using you to ween herself off of you), then I'd say be her friend.

 

For me, that would be impossible until A LOT of time has passed, and I'd almost certainly have to be in a solid relationship myself, and have no desires of wanting the ex back in a romantic relationship.

 

It's tough. My ex would make a great woman friend. But I have romantic interest in her. And she lied to me and hurt me. Until those feelings fade, I will not be her friend. If we had started out as friends with the understanding it could not ever be more, we'd be great friends I feel. But once the emotional romantic investment is made, it's almost impossible to be true friends I feel until a lot of time has passed.

 

I also say this as having a woman friend who I slept with for two years, ending it 6 months ago. The boundaries were defined very early on. We were "friends with benefits". I decided I needed to stop the "benefits" part of it when I felt I could no longer maintain the boundaries we had established, and felt myself crossing them in my mind. She did not put up a fight over it, though she still does hint at wanting benefits back every now and then! But I told her I can't do it. We are still friends, and talk frequently with no upset or heartache on either side. Difference here is she never lied, I never lied, we agreed to be FWB and stuck with it. In that case it works just fine. We get along great still.

Edited March 24, 2011 by danrs

[Graceful]

I guess it depends on how you define a "friend", you know.

 

Do your friends dump you one minute and want you back the next? Do your friends "demote" you from one status to another for convenience? Do you have to "work" for them to like you one way or another?

 

Do you have to have a strategy how to keep them or for them to want you? Do you want your "friends" to desire you?

 

So do you know? Because otherwise, I don't think your ex sounds like friend material. Game over.

[shawn923]

I guess it depends on how you define a "friend", you know.

 

Do your friends dump you one minute and want you back the next? Do your friends "demote" you from one status to another for convenience? Do you have to "work" for them to like you one way or another?

 

Do you have to have a strategy how to keep them or for them to want you? Do you want your "friends" to desire you?

 

So do you know? Because otherwise, I don't think your ex sounds like friend material. Game over.

 

Well said. And a nice way to look at it.

[betterdeal]

Ok... and what if i slipped up and gave her that attention? Is she satisfied for life and will no longer need me? Or will she eventually come back AGAIN after i stop showing attention? Because she seemed pretty content with never speaking to me again this time around.

 

There are no guarantees! Nothing, and I mean nothing, is for certain. You're looking for a magic formula that if followed will result in a sequence of free will events happening the way you want them to. There's no magic formula.

 

You can behave in your own interests if you choose. At this point, from an outsider's point of view and based solely on what you have said, this relationship between you and her is making you positively unhappy, and life is about finding things that make us happy and doing those things.

 

So, here you are, with a relationship that makes you unhappy. Change that relationship and see if the change makes you any happier. The best, easiest, way to change it is to come to terms with your own feelings and act on them.

 

You say you love her / dig her / really like her, yet you're unhappy. Why are you unhappy? Is it because she rejected you? Do you know why she rejected you? Is it something you can improve or is it just plain because she's not as into you and you're into her? If she's rejected you because of that then don't you feel even a tiny bit upset by that? Could the unhappiness be that you don't like being rejected?

 

How we handle rejection is as important as how we handle being desired: you accept it, wipe your tears away, and move on. Either you make a sincere and honest effort to disengage the romantic notions you have, and you remain friends, or you disengage completely, or you linger around pretending to friends and being generally manipulative. The choice is yours.

[shawn923]

There are no guarantees! Nothing, and I mean nothing, is for certain. You're looking for a magic formula that if followed will result in a sequence of free will events happening the way you want them to. There's no magic formula.

 

You can behave in your own interests if you choose. At this point, from an outsider's point of view and based solely on what you have said, this relationship between you and her is making you positively unhappy, and life is about finding things that make us happy and doing those things.

 

So, here you are, with a relationship that makes you unhappy. Change that relationship and see if the change makes you any happier. The best, easiest, way to change it is to come to terms with your own feelings and act on them.

 

You say you love her / dig her / really like her, yet you're unhappy. Why are you unhappy? Is it because she rejected you? Do you know why she rejected you? Is it something you can improve or is it just plain because she's not as into you and you're into her? If she's rejected you because of that then don't you feel even a tiny bit upset by that? Could the unhappiness be that you don't like being rejected?

 

How we handle rejection is as important as how we handle being desired: you accept it, wipe your tears away, and move on. Either you make a sincere and honest effort to disengage the romantic notions you have, and you remain friends, or you disengage completely, or you linger around pretending to friends and being generally manipulative. The choice is yours.

 

.......really broke that down! but i chose to drop her completely... hopefully this will be the fastest way for me to heal. im trusting in it

[smudge21]

It'll be tough man, but seriously, the pain I felt hearing my ex talk about wedding plans when I'm trying to be 'the friend' was a pain you definitely do not want or need in your life, ever!