journey3 Posted April 2, 2004 Share Posted April 2, 2004 I'm hoping someone, anyone can help me figure this out. My husband has put me through so much over 12 yrs, from drugs, lots of lies, jail a few time, Theres even been a few times I wasn't sure if he's cheated{ie:condoms missing} I feel he is very selfish person, lacks resposibility. I go thru phases, where I can't stand him or anything about him, then theres times I just want to hug him. On about the 8th time he went to jail,{about 4yrs ago} I was debating on leaving him, right before he went, well when he did, I was so excited he wasn't gonna be here. Anyway's, I ran into an old friend, who I knew has always loved me, well we started hanging out, we did lots of different things together & w/ my kids, than my husband & I did the whole we were together, I filed for a divorce, & this friend & I got really close & yes I technically cheated, but I cried all thru the deed, I felt so so so bad, well, after my husband got out of jail, I was over whelmed w/ guilt still am, I thought I was pregnant, by the other guy, My husband had no where to go, so I let him stay on the couch, he saw my guilt, & asked me I instantly broke down, husband said he understands, he's been a jerk, if we could work it out, so we did, I thought, but he''s back to his old ways. I think I tried to work it out cause I was over welhmed w/ guilt & it got masked. Believe it or not theres a few things I like about him that I don't think I could find any where else. So, my ? is , I can't figure out why I stay. Why is it so hard to leave, if I'm so unhappy? I think I've been in this unhealthy relationship so long, I don't know what is healthy & how much better I would feel, except when ever he's gone I'm happy. If I won the lotto I would definately leave. But its so hard & confusing, I think I second guess too much & over analyze & just plain scared. Has anyone else ever been in a bad relationship & knew u had to leave but didn't know how? Thanks Kathy Link to post Share on other sites
overseas2004 Posted April 2, 2004 Share Posted April 2, 2004 Why does winning the loto make a difference? Does he have some financial strings tied to you? Even if he does ... does a lifetime of misery worth the money you have with him? I doubt it. If you want to know what a healthy relationship is like try to hark back to what you had with your friend? If it was nice... isn't that something you would like more? BY the way... I just went through a relationship like that too. He had lots of problems. I am very distraught that he is gone. But a little part of me that is getting stronger and stronger every day is saying to me that I am lucky I wont have to put up with the marijuana, destruction he causes in angry fits, and impotence. And when yours is gone ... one day you will say good riddance as well.... Good luck in getting up the courage to say goodbye... its not easy. But all of us will be here for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author journey3 Posted April 2, 2004 Author Share Posted April 2, 2004 Thank you overseas!! I haven't worked in a few yrs, I've only babysat most of my life, So, financially at least if/when I leave him I would know I won't lose my home. I have been raking the job feild from fast food to post office for 5mos, no one is hiring. But I too thought that when I finally do it will be a lil tough at first but in the long run I will be happier & someone else will have his problems etc. But I still don't know why I stay. AHHHHHH Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted April 2, 2004 Share Posted April 2, 2004 Journey, were you very young when you married...somewhere around nineteen? And was your mother a nurturer/fixer...a traditional housewife who tolerated and overlooked some of your own father's misbehavior. Perhaps stayed in the marriage although it was apparent they were unhappy? I've always found patterns in our 'social conditioning' to be sooooo fascinating. I think we women are more like our mothers...and our husbands are more like our fathers...than we sometimes care to admit. Looking back, do you see any similarities between your parent's marriage and your own? Just curious! Link to post Share on other sites
Author journey3 Posted April 7, 2004 Author Share Posted April 7, 2004 Enigma, yes I was 16 when I married my 1st husband, my mom kinda took over & the next thing I knew I was married, but divorced 2yrs later. And was your mother a nurturer/fixer...a traditional housewife who tolerated and overlooked some of your own father's misbehavior. Perhaps stayed in the marriage although it was apparent they were unhappy? Yep, Is it that obvious? Yea, I guess I see some simularities. But how do I break the cycle? I know I'm not happy but how do I know I won't regret leaving? Link to post Share on other sites
overseas2004 Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 Sorry enigma but I don't buy the bull and the excuses. Ok I do recognize the fact that our upbringing does play in a role in who we are and how we act. I have seen that in myself. But this woman does not stay just because of her social conditioning. She stays because she has no love or respect for herself and she does not believe she is entitled to better. Once she realizes she is... (since she does not act like he does) then she will leave. And I am not trying to be hollier than though. I have dated a few fixer uppers in my life and stayed way longer than I should have. I am trying to work on that. But if I blame it on my mom and my dad and I stop there ... then there will be no progress. Don't use crutches. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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