Year and a half later.. or so

[nineyearsgone79]

Hey Guys, It's been a long while since I've last posted. My bf of 9 years broke up with me at the end of Aug. '09. I've been through lots of downs, lot's of ups, and everything in between. He broke up in an email with little explanation and disappeared. He never gave me a chance to speak with him.. never picked up the phone.. never responded to an email. I just have been working on moving up and onward.

I've been in a relationship for the past 9 months and am happy with my new boyfriend. He's a very nice guy.. there are times though that I find my mind wandering to thoughts of my ex. Sometimes I just feel all of this anger and sadness towards him.. not that he broke up but how he did it. I feel like the whole relationship was a lie and I feel like he wasted my time and lead me on! I still wonder if he really ever did love me like he said he did. I know it doesn't nor should not matter now.. and the pain lessens in time.. but I feel like this is some sort of mess that will always be part of me and I hate that! I know I am the only person who can control it... but man when will it ever be gone!?

If I could I would erase him from my past. I never thought I would think that way but i'm so tired of him. .. just venting.. :/

[nineyearsgone79]

I just wanted to add what I feel is a mix between being angry at him and missing the friendship we had..I'm angry he just tossed it all away. I just never understood him i guess. : ( * * *

 

I'm so tired of these feelings popping up inside me. I've even had times where I wake up at my boyfriends .. and I had a nightmare the night before involving the ex in it.

 

I honestly think if the ex would have let me voice my feelings I wouldn't feel so bottled up. I feel a suffocating feeling inside when I think of him... like someone has sucked the air out of the room.

[lolo1234]

(((HUGS)))

 

What you went through sounds horrible. Being abandoned in that way is one of the hardest things that human beings have to deal with. It can be traumatizing. Have you ever gone to counseling? I think that you owe it to yourself to work through this and be able to focus on what you do have now.

[Graceful]

I just wanted to add what I feel is a mix between being angry at him and missing the friendship we had..I'm angry he just tossed it all away. I just never understood him i guess. : ( * * *

 

I'm so tired of these feelings popping up inside me. I've even had times where I wake up at my boyfriends .. and I had a nightmare the night before involving the ex in it.

 

I honestly think if the ex would have let me voice my feelings I wouldn't feel so bottled up. I feel a suffocating feeling inside when I think of him... like someone has sucked the air out of the room.

 

This is just heartbreaking to read, and it is understandable that you have these lingering issues after the way he ended a LTR.

 

Would you be able to fill us in a bit about the relationship and what it was like at the time? How did you treat each other? How were things going at the time he left? Were you completely and utterly blind-sided?

 

Did you ever feel held back, or did he, by the relationship because you got into it at a young age?

 

Please give us more information about the relationship, as we can provide you with more feedback that might help you that way. And it also might help you to write things out and get them off your chest. You are going to need to get rid of this burden, you can't go on like this and need to find some way of letting go, even if you will never have all of the answers. Please give us more details. I'll look forward to hearing from you again. Take care.

[1784]

I just wanted to add what I feel is a mix between being angry at him and missing the friendship we had..I'm angry he just tossed it all away.

 

I totally understand and I'm sorry that it's bothering you this much. You probably feel that you require some kind of closure. The thing is, closure always comes from within yourself. It doesn't really matter what he thinks, what you could have said, etc. There are always a hundred unanswered questions about a failed relationship. You're never going to find out the answers to them all. None of us do. The trick is to stop asking the questions and accepting that for you to understand everything about another person is impossible. Because you two shared a relationship, you feel some sort of , I dunno, inside access into him. In the end, though, it's just you. Always you. You are responsible for you. Your thoughts, your feelings, etc.

 

What I do suggest, however, is to write him a letter that you never send. Write down everything that you always wanted to say to him. Everything. Get it all down, seal it and toss it (burn it, put it away, whatever). You obviously have some pent up feelings that you need to get out. The key is getting them out, not them reaching him. He is living his life and you are living yours. Do what's important for YOUR life.

 

I hope that helps a little. And I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I guess we all sign an unwritten contract when we put out hearts out there; and we all take the risk of arriving "here" at some point.

[Graceful]

The OP needs to talk about this, out loud, to another person, and get all of the feelings out in the open and off her chest. Writing a letter is a good idea, and I have done it, but it's not enough. The bottled up feelings are part of the grief the OP is feeling, that she has not processed after all this time. It's more than just feelings for him, it's the whole gestalt; it would really help to have that pointed out and get it into perspective through talk therapy and making sure she goes through all the stages of grief. It's not just about getting answers about the breakup, it's about acknowledging her grief and processing it, which it does not sound like she has had the ability to do. IMHO.

[GreenPolicy]

I'm five months out from a similar situation. You can click on my user profile and read my story if you want. We had made plans to get married, she told her parents, we had gone to look at rings, and then she came over one morning and didn't say much by way of explanation. I sent her a letter a couple of weeks afterwards that she didn't have the decency to reply to. Mind you, it wasn't a begging/pleading letter, but a reaching out/tell me what's going on kind of letter.

 

It says a lot about our exes that we weren't worth a single conversation to them. When my ex broke up with me, I don't consider that a conversation. She briefly said her piece that made no sense since it was a complete 180 from everything she ever said before that, and refused to answer questions.

 

It's hard to get them out of your system when you were fundamentally a good SO to them and they repaid you for it by unceremoniously discarding you like a piece of garbage. It says a lot about a person by how they break up with you. It's never easy to end things, even though as a dumper you feel like it's the right thing to do. But how somebody does it says a lot. It really gives you a glimpse into the core of that person. Do they do it with kindness, grace and compassion? Or do they just abandon you with little to no explanation and refuse to treat you with respect?

 

Your ex really does not deserve to take up so much real estate inside your head. Easier said than done, I know. You want to seek this person out and ask why/state your case. But you can't do that. To be shunned and abandoned after you gave every ounce of your soul to this person is insanely hurtful. Just know that the silence on the part of your ex says a lot. It says that he cannot justify the breakup and how he did it. It says he's way too cowardly to face up to his actions and the consequences of them. It says a lot about his character and maturity level. His silence says he can't defend his actions. This isn't somebody you want in your life, no matter how much you cared for him in the past. He runs away and treats you with silence because that way he never has to face himself and his problems. A pretty brilliant coping strategy if you never want to learn and grow. The thing is, anything you could possibly say to him that you know to be true is beyond his capacity for understanding and feeling. It wouldn't make any difference.

[1784]

It says a lot about his character and maturity level. His silence says he can't defend his actions.

 

Believe me, while I do understand the value and courtesy of talking it out with your significant other, this doesn't always lead to much either. Yes, you get to say what's on your mind and that's very healthy BUT....

 

my ex was a master at justifying and rationalizing every decision she made. She could kill someone and easily justify that she was just FEELING that particular emotion at that time and felt the need to carry out her action. She was all about feeling. As long as she felt something, it was justified. It was more maddening than silence in a lot of ways. The things that would come out of her mouth were utterly insane. But.. she rationalized them - always. Sometimes I wish she just went out with a whimper instead of feeding me all of these absurd rationalizations. When you have a lot of BS to chew on after a breakup it doesn't exactly make it easier. If it was a stranger on the street talking BS I'd be fine with it. This is the girl I loved for 3+ years. How the hell could she hand me so much crap on the way out the door? UUUGGHHH!!

[GreenPolicy]

Believe me, while I do understand the value and courtesy of talking it out with your significant other, this doesn't always lead to much either. Yes, you get to say what's on your mind and that's very healthy BUT....

 

my ex was a master at justifying and rationalizing every decision she made. She could kill someone and easily justify that she was just FEELING that particular emotion at that time and felt the need to carry out her action. She was all about feeling. As long as she felt something, it was justified. It was more maddening than silence in a lot of ways. The things that would come out of her mouth were utterly insane. But.. she rationalized them - always. Sometimes I wish she just went out with a whimper instead of feeding me all of these absurd rationalizations. When you have a lot of BS to chew on after a breakup it doesn't exactly make it easier. If it was a stranger on the street talking BS I'd be fine with it. This is the girl I loved for 3+ years. How the hell could she hand me so much crap on the way out the door? UUUGGHHH!!

 

Somebody told me "What your ex couldn't explain in 15 minutes she wasn't going to be able to explain in 15 hours." But I would have liked something in between. If somebody wants to leave a r/l, that is their right, but I guess what I wanted was for her to not throw in the towel on us without lifting a finger. I wanted her to try. It's one thing to be dumped. But I feel this way and I'm sure the OP feels the same way, we were...abandoned. That's a unique hurt to the end of a relationship.

 

I was talking with somebody last night that endured a breakup of their own a few months ago, and really what it ultimately comes down to is you just don't know why people do the things they do and why they feel the way that they do. I can come up with theories and explanations for why my ex quit on us that make sense and fits the facts, but I have no way to verify the truth of it. And at a certain point you have to turn the focus to yourself and your own wellbeing. Obsessing, fixating, ruminating, recounting, whining and complaining about my b/u will never change the fact that it happened. It will never make sense, at least logical and rational sense.

 

I do agree with Graceful though that sometimes you're not necessarily looking for answers, you just want to talk it out and express to somebody else what happened and how it made you feel. I've been in talk therapy for my b/u and it's helped a lot. In my case, I don't feel like my ex is all that emotionally healthy, so there are no logical and rational answers. I just have to accept that she is gone for good and make my peace with that.

Edited March 24, 2011 by GreenPolicy

[GreenPolicy]

Plus, the benefit of talk therapy is that - (no offense to the OP), but 18 months after my breakup, I still don't want to be wrestling with how it ended.

 

Acceptance and forgiveness does not mean that I have to like what my ex did, or let her off the hook, or excuse her behavior. It just means that it's not my problem anymore and it's not going to hold me back from living my life.

[1784]

I get it, GreenPolicy. I really do. We all end up abandoned to some degree but the way you were abandoned is different. I feel abandoned myself. When I needed my ex most, she bailed on me. She said she just couldn't do it. It sucks for all of us, what can I tell ya.

 

It's all crazy. I KNOW the issues my ex has. I KNOW the logical reasons, the rational answers, etc. And yet I still obsess over this breakup. It's really nuts I tell you. I have every reason in the world to move on and yet I still miss her. I still wonder if she ever regrets the decision. If she would ever reconsider. I have no idea why I do this to myself and it drives me absolutely bananas.

 

But yeah, you really never REALLY know why people do or don't do things. You know why? Because a lot of times they don't even know. How could you?

[GreenPolicy]

 

It's all crazy. I KNOW the issues my ex has. I KNOW the logical reasons, the rational answers, etc. And yet I still obsess over this breakup. It's really nuts I tell you. I have every reason in the world to move on and yet I still miss her. I still wonder if she ever regrets the decision. If she would ever reconsider. I have no idea why I do this to myself and it drives me absolutely bananas.

 

 

Pretty much sums up my thinking to a tee. I miss her a lot, even five months later. It makes it hard to understand, because we didn't fight, and our r/l didn't have a lot of unnecessary drama. I treated her well, but that doesn't mean I was a doormat that waited on her hand and foot and didn't have a spine. I loved her unconditionally and treated her with kindness, respect, affection and compassion. All of the checklist things (fulltime job, don't live with parents, no children from previous relationship) were there. We had similar values, goals, interests and hobbies. I understand a woman in her early twenties does not necessarily want to settle down and get married, and could easily get bored with a r/l after awhile and get GIGS...but a woman who is 31 years old and says she wants to get married and start a family? Why wasn't what we had worth saving? Why wasn't it good enough? What I have learned on this board is that people are supposed to mature and appreciate more things of substance as they get older. If there was no spark, no chemistry, no attraction, then things would never have gone past the first or second date.

 

Bottom line: if you're fundamentally a good SO at this age (thirties)...and they leave you, then the issue is on their end, not yours. Guys typically get dumped because they get clingy/needy/smothering, or they get comfortable/neglectful, or they have no life/interests/ambition/goals outside of the relationship. That wasn't the case with me, so it's on her. And that's as much explanation as I'm ever going to have.

[Beeotch]

I'm sorry for your hurt....

 

But the one thing that stood out to me as a red flag is...if you have unresolved feelings towards your ex...why are you in a new "relationship" Are you being honest with this guy and yourself?

 

I'm sorry but I do have little tolerance for using other ppl as emotional bandaids....I understand that people are hurt and sometimes feel they need others to buffer that pain and it "works"...but I also have seen firsthand where people hop from relationship to relationship, playing a long but aren't authentic or 100% available because they are tied up with the past...and it is not fair to that other person. I have only now become seriously interested in someone else 2 yrs after my ex and I split (we split in March 09). Before now, I knew I would never be 100% available to anyone because I simply was still caught up.....I am indifferent towards my ex now and have no resentment, questions, anger etc and am FREE to pursue another relationship without ever being upset at him, or even thinking about him furthermore to be that concerned as to post on LS about it. I figure if I am still worried...then I am not healed and certainly I don't need to be in a new "relationship" just yet. Could you imagine if your guy was telling his friends or posting on LS that he is still worried about his ex????

 

My ex before this past one...upped and disappeared for an entire year. Long story prior, but basically I emailed him asking for answers and he never replied. I never heard from him until 09, couple days after my previous ex and I broke up ironically. However, while I was with my ex, I was not thinking about my other ex at alllllll. I was 100% available and didn't feel any ill feelings towards him and was quite surprised and indifferent when he did email me a lengthy explanation as to why he disappeared. I appreciated it but certainly wasn't looking for it. I say that to say....I have been in your position, but as it relates to dating someone else, I was never still hung up on an ex's past transgressions...and if I were...I would think twice about my healing and if I am being fair.

Edited March 24, 2011 by Beeotch