And now she is depressed...

[giotto]

well, it was to be expected, I suppose. The last few weeks I'd noticed how she would just lie in bed all day (on her days off) or watch TV practically lying down on the sofa. I challenged her yesterday. I asked her what was wrong. And she said she felt depressed and 'flat'. Apparently, this has been going on for a while... since my daughter left for university, in September.

 

I suggested she'd change her antidepressants (she's been taking the same ones for the last 10 years), because obviously they weren't working anymore. I also reiterated my offer to pay for her counselling, if she wished to go.

 

I also asked her if I was to blame. She said no. I've been doing lots of stuff for her (true), and since I stopped being very difficult to live with, she had no complaints. I even offered to stop having sex if she still felt like ‘being forced’ to. She said no. But she can't help being frightened when it's been some time and she is not in the mood. She still thinks I would get very angry. But this hasn't been the case for many months now.

 

So, I'm lost. Don't really know what to do, apart from mentioning it (going to her doctor to change her prescription) from time to time. She is obviously ill, but she does nothing about it. I even found a book on how overcoming depression in her bedside table.

 

Unfortunately, at the moment, I find it very difficult to get close to her, because of what's happened between us. Basically, I don't want to be hurt anymore. I've given her too much of myself and I can't take it anymore. And needless to say that our sex life has taken a serious turn for the worse.

 

I just wish I could cure her in an instant. I wish I could get my old wife back. But that's not going to happen. I will have to support her as well as I can. But I'm a bit exhausted, now. Luckily, our daughter is coming back from uni next week...

 

It's a just a rant, I suppose. And I know she is ill, so I should concentrate on that. But her communication skills are really bad and I’m tired of having to prod so much. After all what’s happened, I though she might just ‘got it’. But I was wrong, as usual.

 

Any ideas on how I can keep broaching the subject without upsetting her? Cheers...

[xxoo]

Any ideas on how I can keep broaching the subject without upsetting her? Cheers...

 

Sorry to hear things have taken a bad turn...

 

How would she respond to an authoritative approach from you? An executive decision: "You have a family that needs you well. You are going to the dr." Make the appt yourself, and drive her there.

[giotto]

Sorry to hear things have taken a bad turn...

 

How would she respond to an authoritative approach from you? An executive decision: "You have a family that needs you well. You are going to the dr." Make the appt yourself, and drive her there.

 

well, that's actually a good idea... I must say she seems better today... she is cleaning the house! (day off for her). I might mention something about the kids needing her. Let's see how it goes first. Maybe our little conversation yesterday did have some impact...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Sorry to hear things have taken a bad turn...

 

How would she respond to an authoritative approach from you? An executive decision: "You have a family that needs you well. You are going to the dr." Make the appt yourself, and drive her there.

 

How simple and straight to the point.

 

Sorry Giotto with all you go through. I sometimes think my spouse has those issues too, but approaching her on them is next to impossible and can only be done with a smile and making sure she does not sence resentment or animosity.

 

Good luck.

[giotto]

How simple and straight to the point.

 

Sorry Giotto with all you go through. I sometimes think my spouse has those issues too, but approaching her on them is next to impossible and can only be done with a smile and making sure she does not sence resentment or animosity.

 

Good luck.

 

Sure, but she puts her head under the sand and pretends nothing's wrong... but I can tell! This lack of communication is driving me mad. It's been going on for 25 years and, to be honest, I've had enough. It's been at the root of all our problems. Can't get any sense out of her and then I get angry (well, used to) and then she gets scared. I don't even know what her real issues are. She never tells me... she says: I don't want to talk about it. But when her behaviour affects me, our relationship and our family, then she should make an effort. But I can't get that concept into her head. That's why she needs therapy... catch-22...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Sure, but she puts her head under the sand and pretends nothing's wrong... but I can tell! This lack of communication is driving me mad. It's been going on for 25 years and, to be honest, I've had enough. It's been at the root of all our problems. Can't get any sense out of her and then I get angry (well, used to) and then she gets scared. I don't even know what her real issues are. She never tells me... she says: I don't want to talk about it. But when her behaviour affects me, our relationship and our family, then she should make an effort. But I can't get that concept into her head. That's why she needs therapy... catch-22...

 

I however could never scare my spouse...... She scares me.......

[Mme. Chaucer]

Sorry to hear things have taken a bad turn...

 

How would she respond to an authoritative approach from you? An executive decision: "You have a family that needs you well. You are going to the dr." Make the appt yourself, and drive her there.

 

That is super good advice. I have struggled with depression. Having someone make a decision for you and to make it happen when you are in that state can be a huge move in the right direction. Even if she resists, don't argue with her - just push it through.

 

xxoo is right, too; you DO need her to be well, and you deserve to have a wife who is healthy and functional. Don't let depression win.

[LittleTiger]

I'm sorry to hear that Giotto. As someone who suffered from depression for more than seventeen years (diagnosed in my early teens) I'd like to reassure you that if you found a book in her bedside table then she definitely is doing something.

 

She knows she is depressed and somewhere she got hold of the book - if you're lucky she might even be reading it, although she'll probably do that in secret.

 

The most difficult thing for someone with clinical depression (if that's what it is) is feeling that nobody understands - and to be honest, most people don't - not unless you've experienced it yourself. The best thing you can do is read up as much about it as you can. Educate yourself on what she's going through and try to put yourself in her shoes. Here's a few links which might help.

 

http://helpguide.org/mental/depression_signs_types_diagnosis_treatment.htm

 

http://www.oflikeminds.com/UnderstandingDepression.htm

 

http://depression.about.com/u/ua/depressionsymptoms/depressionsymptoms.htm

 

Just getting out of bed may be a major achievement for her at the moment so, whatever you do, don't get mad or scare her. She may be closer to the edge than you realise so be careful how you push.

 

You could try what xxoo suggests but be prepared for her to say 'no, what's the point'. If you can get her to the doctor then do - if you can't, speak to the doctor yourself.

 

If the children are reasonably young, reminding her that they need her may help. If they're old enough to take care of themselves it will probably make no difference.

 

The best advice I can think of is 'be gentle'. If you ask 'is there anything I can do' she will say 'no'. So instead, try asking her what she needs. She may say she doesn't know but you might just sow a seed that will lead to her making a decision for herself. Whatever you do, don't 'keep' broaching the subject. Bring it up once, let her know you want to help, then leave it to her to talk to you. If you suspect she is getting worse, tell her doctor.

 

I know you're probably feeling you've already done enough and you're obviously at the end of your rope, but she can get better if she wants to and I'd say the book you found is a good sign that she does.

[giotto]

thank you for your kind words... she seemed much better yesterday and - since it was her day off - I suggested she may cook a lovely evening meal (I always cook... ). She did and I think she enjoyed it. We'll have to see how it goes... the thought of her being ill saddens me a lot. Actually, I feel sorry for her, if I have to be truthful. And I'm also terrified, because I'm working 7 days a week and doing all the cooking and getting up at the crack of dawn to get everything ready for school and the thought of more stuff dumped on top of me is rather, erm, depressing...

[tnttim]

Sorry to hear this especially when things were starting to improve.

 

I would be as supportive as possible no matter what she wants to do, even if it doesn't aline with what you think she should do. I wouldn't mention how the kids need her, especially becuase they are out of the house and I'm sure she already knows the kids need her.

 

If you stick by her side and support her, in time she will trust you more and more. She has some trust issues as she demonstrated with the comment about sex, but being a man and supporting her will diminish that. Then you can start making suggestions, and I feel you will be more apt to listen to them.

 

Good luck, her depression affects you as much as it affects her, but don't let it drag you down buddy. I have faith in you!

[giotto]

thanks, tnttim... only one "child" is out of the house... we still have 3 more! I'm not incredibly keen about mentioning the kids, but it really depends on how the situation develops... if it becomes necessary, I will do it. And I'm being supportive, despite the distance between us. As I said before, I'm quite saddened to see her like that, but I suppose it was just matter of time, given her issues... when we met, she told me about them, but I never realised they were so bad and I always thought she would pull through. If she told me the truth at the time, I'm pretty sure our relationship would have been a lot more positive and she might not be where she is now.

 

 

Sorry to hear this especially when things were starting to improve.

 

I would be as supportive as possible no matter what she wants to do, even if it doesn't aline with what you think she should do. I wouldn't mention how the kids need her, especially becuase they are out of the house and I'm sure she already knows the kids need her.

 

If you stick by her side and support her, in time she will trust you more and more. She has some trust issues as she demonstrated with the comment about sex, but being a man and supporting her will diminish that. Then you can start making suggestions, and I feel you will be more apt to listen to them.

 

Good luck, her depression affects you as much as it affects her, but don't let it drag you down buddy. I have faith in you!

[LittleTiger]

And I'm being supportive, despite the distance between us. As I said before, I'm quite saddened to see her like that, but I suppose it was just matter of time, given her issues... when we met, she told me about them, but I never realised they were so bad and I always thought she would pull through. If she told me the truth at the time, I'm pretty sure our relationship would have been a lot more positive and she might not be where she is now.

 

Just keep being supportive Giotto, that's all you can do.

 

I can understand your frustration that you feel she didn't tell you the truth when you met. To be honest, telling someone you love, and think may be a potential life partner, that you have suffered from depression (even if you have dealt with it and are currently healthy) feels as though you're admitting to some heinous crime for which you may not be forgiven.

 

So many people don't understand mental illness and that often means those who suffer feel ashamed. That's why I suspect the book she has was 'hidden' in her bedside table and why you may never see her reading it.

 

I'm sure she told you as much as she could at the time. If she'd told you every gory detail don't you think you might have reconsidered the relationship? The most important thing is that you can support her and be there for her - she will appreciate it, even if it doesn't seem that way at times. Perhaps it is actually a good thing that this has happened. Maybe if you can show her your loving support now it will bring you closer. Feeling that nobody understands can lead to the most intense loneliness and despair. She needs to know that her best friend (you) will stay strong for her and not desert her.

 

That may seem like a tough thing to do right now when you're already under so much pressure so make sure you have plenty of support yourself. Talk to friends, family, LS pals and anyone else you need to. Depression is just as difficult for the partner as for the sufferer so look after yourself and you'll find it easier to stay strong.

[giotto]

I've been depressed myself, so I know what's it like! But I was depressed because of our relationship, not for some deep-seated issues... in fact, I stopped taking ADs ages ago and I've been fine since.

 

If she told me the truth at the beginning - the truth about her issues - I would have still married her. I don't think she knew at the time how much those issues would affect her and we were only 22 when we met. The problems came later, about 10 years later, and depression is the last episode. She wasn't depressed when I met her. She really needs therapy, because these issues she has are destroying her and have destroyed our relationship (together with an inability to communicate).

 

I'll try and be as supportive as I can... the reason I asked my question is that I've suffered from depression myself and I know how I hated people telling me what to do and how I should be feeling... so, I was looking for a different approach...

 

 

Just keep being supportive Giotto, that's all you can do.

 

I can understand your frustration that you feel she didn't tell you the truth when you met. To be honest, telling someone you love, and think may be a potential life partner, that you have suffered from depression (even if you have dealt with it and are currently healthy) feels as though you're admitting to some heinous crime for which you may not be forgiven.

 

So many people don't understand mental illness and that often means those who suffer feel ashamed. That's why I suspect the book she has was 'hidden' in her bedside table and why you may never see her reading it.

 

I'm sure she told you as much as she could at the time. If she'd told you every gory detail don't you think you might have reconsidered the relationship? The most important thing is that you can support her and be there for her - she will appreciate it, even if it doesn't seem that way at times. Perhaps it is actually a good thing that this has happened. Maybe if you can show her your loving support now it will bring you closer. Feeling that nobody understands can lead to the most intense loneliness and despair. She needs to know that her best friend (you) will stay strong for her and not desert her.

 

That may seem like a tough thing to do right now when you're already under so much pressure so make sure you have plenty of support yourself. Talk to friends, family, LS pals and anyone else you need to. Depression is just as difficult for the partner as for the sufferer so look after yourself and you'll find it easier to stay strong.

[xxoo]

Any ideas on how I can keep broaching the subject without upsetting her? Cheers...

 

I just reread this, and the "without upsetting her" stood out. Upsetting her might be necessary. People usually don't take drastic steps (and therapy is, in her opinion, a drastic step) unless they are very motivated. You might need to confront your fear of upsetting her in order to help her.

 

Depressed people are notoriously unmotivated. She may need a strong push, or even you to do it for her (and she may lack the motivation to fight you--while also being grateful to be relieved of the responsibility).

 

Depressed people can have irrational thoughts. Don't assume that she is thinking rationally about her importance in the family.

[giotto]

I will be "diplomatic"... I'm fairly sure she will see her GP to change her meds, but I doubt she'll take up my offer regarding the therapy... that might be what will drive us apart, ultimately...

 

I'm not putting pressure on her regarding sex. I haven't done that for 2 years... but last instance is a typical example: after two weeks (this is our normal "cadence" these days), she tells me she has her period. So we have to wait. Now she has a nasty cold sore, so we will have to wait another few days... after that she has a few night shifts in a row... well, I'm patient, but I do feel sometimes she is taking the "mikey"...

[soserious1]

I will be "diplomatic"... I'm fairly sure she will see her GP to change her meds, but I doubt she'll take up my offer regarding the therapy... that might be what will drive us apart, ultimately...

 

I'm not putting pressure on her regarding sex. I haven't done that for 2 years... but last instance is a typical example: after two weeks (this is our normal "cadence" these days), she tells me she has her period. So we have to wait. Now she has a nasty cold sore, so we will have to wait another few days... after that she has a few night shifts in a row... well, I'm patient, but I do feel sometimes she is taking the "mikey"...

 

Giotto,

 

I think you've been more than fair, more than supportive. Nobody should have to work 7 days a week & do all the housework and childcare.

 

Next time she pulls the crawl into bed & hide under the covers act, I'd march right in there, open the curtains, turn on all the lights and just tell her flat out that she can come lie in here and be depressed to her heart's content but only AFTER her fair share of cooking,cleaning, laundry is done and only after she's interacted with your children.

 

Sometimes in life we have to just suck it up and "act as if" you guys have 3 kids still at home, she needs to get her rump in gear here IMHO.

[LittleTiger]

Sometimes in life we have to just suck it up and "act as if" you guys have 3 kids still at home, she needs to get her rump in gear here IMHO.

 

Unfortunately, asking someone who is depressed to 'suck it up' and 'act as if' is like asking a man with no legs to stand up and walk.

[giotto]

Unfortunately, asking someone who is depressed to 'suck it up' and 'act as if' is like asking a man with no legs to stand up and walk.

 

well, yes... I appreciate any input, though... it's not that she does nothing, on the contrary, but she is been very flat lately. She seemed better today again... maybe my "gentle" remind helped... until the nest bout, probably.

[whichwayisup]

Not sure if I mentioned this on your other threads. Google depressionfallout. There's a ebook that's printable and worth the read! Plus, the site has lots of helpful information too.

[soserious1]

Unfortunately, asking someone who is depressed to 'suck it up' and 'act as if' is like asking a man with no legs to stand up and walk.

 

She is the mother of four, if she is mentally ill to the point that she is not capable of caretaking properly for her family, perhaps she needs to be brought to the emergency room for an emergency psychiatric evaluation, Gio is by the sounds of things working at paid employment 7 days a week & being burdened with everything else as well, Time to bring in the big guns IMHO.

[soserious1]

well, yes... I appreciate any input, though... it's not that she does nothing, on the contrary, but she is been very flat lately. She seemed better today again... maybe my "gentle" remind helped... until the nest bout, probably.

 

Gio, you shouldn't have to be giving "gentle reminders" to this woman to get her off her arse & out of the bed! From the sounds of things, your family's finances are stressful, all adults in the family need to be functioning at the top of their game, you can't go on carrying such a heavy load & it's not fair to the kids to grow up in the shadows caused by a depressed, withdrawn Mother who retreats to the bed to stare at the walls instead of being actively engaged in family life!

 

You've been doing things your wife's way for a long time now, from the sounds of it she might benefit from a skillful Psych eval and perhaps a stay on an inpatient unit where they can assess her, start new meds and help her gain some positive cooing skills to handle PTSD sysmptoms.

[giotto]

Gio, you shouldn't have to be giving "gentle reminders" to this woman to get her off her arse & out of the bed! From the sounds of things, your family's finances are stressful, all adults in the family need to be functioning at the top of their game, you can't go on carrying such a heavy load & it's not fair to the kids to grow up in the shadows caused by a depressed, withdrawn Mother who retreats to the bed to stare at the walls instead of being actively engaged in family life!

 

You've been doing things your wife's way for a long time now, from the sounds of it she might benefit from a skillful Psych eval and perhaps a stay on an inpatient unit where they can assess her, start new meds and help her gain some positive cooing skills to handle PTSD sysmptoms.

 

she doesn't stay in bed when the kids are at home, but she does go to bed for a rest after an early shift... obviously, she will be in bed all day after a night shift, which is not great if it falls over a weekend.

 

I must stress that she is not so bad that she needs to go to hospital or be evaluated by a psychiatrist. There is a simple explanation: she's been taking the same ADs for too long and they don't work properly anymore. She needs to change them. I will push for this. But she tends to sweep everything under the carpet.

 

Personally, I'm fed up to see her in bed all the time. I forgot to say that I work from home, so I know for sure that she is usually in bed during the day in her days off. Then she gets up when the kids come back from school. I pick them up.

 

What can I say? She is obviously not well, but I'm getting to the point where I don't care anymore, because of her lack of action.

[Moanin]

she's been taking the same ADs for too long and they don't work properly anymore. She needs to change them.

 

I'm not qualified to say this with certainty, but I would think after 10 years, the body could become immune to their effectiveness. I think getting new meds is a great place to start... good luck.

[LittleTiger]

Gio, you shouldn't have to be giving "gentle reminders" to this woman to get her off her arse & out of the bed! From the sounds of things, your family's finances are stressful, all adults in the family need to be functioning at the top of their game, you can't go on carrying such a heavy load & it's not fair to the kids to grow up in the shadows caused by a depressed, withdrawn Mother who retreats to the bed to stare at the walls instead of being actively engaged in family life!

 

You've been doing things your wife's way for a long time now, from the sounds of it she might benefit from a skillful Psych eval and perhaps a stay on an inpatient unit where they can assess her, start new meds and help her gain some positive cooing skills to handle PTSD sysmptoms.

 

Unfortunately depression isn't that simple. I can't comment on the system in the US but in the UK you can visit your doctor and be under the care of a clinical psychologist or psychiatric nurse, whilst telling people you are going to commit suicide and, even if you're living alone, you probably won't be put in hospital. Sectioning is an absolute last resort.

 

Also there are many degrees of depression, from those who actually attempt suicide to those who describe feeling 'flat'. Whichever end of the spectrum the depressed person is on, it's still an illness and one which the individual has very little control over. Just because it's a mental illness doesn't make it any less real or any easier to deal with than a physical illness.

 

Regarding Giotto taking the lions share and the children having a depressed mother, who said life was fair? Sometimes taking the load when a spouse is ill is just part of being married and, in an ideal world, children should, of course, grow up with two healthly, happy parents who love one another - I wonder how many children are actually that lucky!

 

Depression is a life threatening illness. It's not just someone feeling a bit low and saying 'I can't be bothered'. It's attitudes like this that result in many depressed people not seeking help for fear of being ostracized. A woman in my village committed suicide at Christmas. Her friends and family thought she'd just been feeling a bit 'low'. She had a husband and four young children. Three years ago another local woman committed suicide leaving her husband and teenaged son and nobody even knew she was ill.

 

I realise I'm threadjacking a little here Giotto and I apologise for that, but ignorance about depression makes my blood boil.

 

I'm not saying for one minute that your wife is this seriously ill but if you do have concerns that her mood is sinking I would definitely speak to her doctor, even if she is refusing to. She maybe does just need a change of medication.

 

Is there any possiblity that she's not just depressed but has something like ME or an underactive thyroid? Both of these illnesses can present with mild depression and tiredness/lethargy as symptoms. If you can get her to a doctor, it may be worth asking about other possible causes for the way she's feeling.

 

You've got a tough job on your hands and I wish you the best of luck.

[giotto]

You've got a tough job on your hands and I wish you the best of luck.

 

Thanks... I agree with everything you said. It's a delicate matter and it goes well beyond complaining about fairly superficial things. I'm happy I know now. She's been ok the last couple of days (I suppose being back at work helps). But I'm sure it will be an uphill struggle.