progress report, or sorts, and more questions

[awakenedatlast]

Hello,

 

I posted last year when going through a difficult time in my marriage and got some excellent advice, which I have followed, and it has helped a lot.

I was infatuated with a single guy who was showing me attention and making me feel like my husband never has, and at the same time having a hard time (no pun intended) dealing with problems involving my husband's ED, and our generally lousy sex life caused by even lousier communication.

We didn't go to therapy though we have been communicating much better and our marriage is in better shape these days, although still not wholly satisfactory to me. I have read a huge stack of self-help books, and today I feel that I have a better understanding of myself, my husband, relationships in general, and our marriage in particular.

I have also been able to open up and discuss some of our issues with a couple of friends and have come to realise how common poor communication is, and how much damage it does. And also how no marriage is perfect.

So, I feel stronger, closer to my husband, a little more mature and am trying to make the best of things. BUT.... (there's always a but!) there are some things that I just can't find peace about, and I would really appreciate any comments or experience from the LS crowd.

So, here goes. I understand that I have to appreciate all the good things in my husband and love him for that and not concentrate on the things that are lacking and that he will never be able to give me. When I say 'he will never be able to give me' I don't mean things that he is withholding knowingly, that by communicating my needs he will be able to understand and provide, I mean things like natural chemistry, the 'connection' (everybody cringe!) that I have felt for other people in the past, felt for the OM last year (who was never knowingly an OM as nothing ever happenend, except in my fantasies), and I will admit have felt with someone I have been in contact with through work these last couple of months (more on this later). That is something that my husband and I have never, ever had.

I fell in love and married him for good and bad reasons, and I have to honour my marriage, and I want to honour him because I do love him, he is a good man and has made and is still making a lot of changes in response to things I have expressed. There are still issues, there always will be, but that's life, I suppose...

So, how come, even after I have made this decision to stick with him and work things out, it's just so damn hard, and why, with all that I have learned over the last year, could I develop such a strong mutual attraction to someone else (the work guy) so soon after last year's near catastrophe? I don't want to wreck my marriage. I know that I can't do anything about my feelings for this other guy (again, nothing happened, he is no longer on the scene, the contract finished last week and in response to what I will call his 'open door' goodbye e-mail I replied in such terms that he would have no encouragement to pursue anything with me), that I just have to let him go, and wait for my feelings to subside, as they gradually did for OM1. BUT, what I want to know is WHY does it keep happening?

After discussing it with a couple of friends I have two possible explanations: Reason one is that this is inevitable, in that these are men who are offering the one major thing my husband can't, so I am always going to be vulnerable to this. Inevitable doesn't mean I have to give into it, of course, it just means that I should be prepared to encouter it again (and again, and again) and work on boundary setting, and will power, and when it happens recognise it for what it is. Temptation, I suppose.

The other explanation is that it is something that I really can't do without, a deal breaker if you like, in my marriage, and that it's a scenario that's going to be repeated over and over until I get the courage to leave my husband and find someone who can offer the whole package.

Which brings me to my next question/musing.

The way I see things, is like this. Someone is in a marriage which is not working, for whatever reason. They meet someone else and attraction and feelings develop. This person has morals and wants to do the right thing. The choices open to them are 1. Work on the marriage and forget the other person. 2. Leave their husband/wife to avoid cheating and either start a new relationship with this other person, or just be alone.

So, in case one, (the 'best'), s/he decides to work on the marriage. Things improve but certain needs will never be met.

In case two, to be true to one's self and not dishonest with his/her spouse by cheating, the person leaves to start a new life.

This is plain and simple and makes a lot of sense. But to me it is just so black and white, and the older I get, they greyer things seem.

How can I leave a husband who is so good to me, with whom I have gone through so much, who is a good father to my children and is the best husband he can possibly be (for him) just because on some level I don't feel understood and 'alive' with him? It sounds ludicrous, not to mention totally selfish in that it would break up a relatively happy home for two young children.

On the other hand, staying means that there will always be this emptiness, this longing for passion, chemistry, whatever (I still don't know if there's a word to define it) within me which will never be fulfilled.

The only other option (which as I have said I have avoided in these last two situations) is....cheat. Which is bascially what my therapist told me to do last year, and I totally discounted.

In your opinion, can this ever be a solution? Thinking of the opportunity that was presented to me by OM2 made sense on some levels: a tidy little compartmentalized part of my life where I could connect with and find myself in someone, on a level I can't with my husband (who meets many other needs). I live in mainland, latin Europe and this kind of stuff goes on a lot, judging by the media, and friends' experiences. While it is recognized as 'wrong', it is also accepted as almost inevitable.

I am not looking for people to tell me that I am a hussy for thinking this, and I am not looking for justification as I have put sufficient distance and boundaries in place for this not to happen with OM2, who I will never see again. I am sticking by my marriage vows and moving on.

I am looking for discussion.

And if anyone has them, the answers to the meaning of love, life and the universe