Crazy Magnet Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I get nervous around a new guy that I like so I won't contact him out of shyness. After two dates in a month I probably wouldn't feel comfortable enough to give him a call or anything. After this thread though I'm going to grow a pair and send an email tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
sugarmomma Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I let the guy do most of the initiating early on until I feel like he really likes me. My job is to appreciate and reciprocate. I think she sees your interest level as low so she doesn't initiate. Once I feel safe I will send a cute text or something. Most women like to feel comfortable with the guy before they start all the calling and texting since some guys will take that as the woman pursuing and being needy. I wouldn't give up on her just yet and besides you're the one that works 14 hour days. You work the most so you should call her more. She's probably thinking that you really don't have time for a relationship which is what I would think. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Taylor Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 My job is to appreciate and reciprocate. No offense, but that's a horrible attitude and approach. In other words, you're saying it's the OP's job to jump through hoops simply because he's a man. He does need to put in effort, but so does the girl. If he's doing everything while the girl simple accepts and appreciates, it doesn't set a good foundation for the relationship. You work the most so you should call her more. That is the weirdest logic I've ever heard. Please explain how you came to that. Link to post Share on other sites
Fondue Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I absolutely lose interest. There have been many times where I would initiate contact and the girl would be like thrilled to talk me, tell me about stuff, text back and forth with well detailed texts and asks stuff, etc... But they would not initiate any contact. You'd contact them first and it would be awesome, but then spend a day or two, or three waiting to contact you, and nada. So I just stop all together now. If I initiate contact more than twice with a girl I'm interested in and she has not bothered to try and initiate with me still, I just drop her completely. Even if she seems super interested. I simply don't care. I dunno where women read this stuff about "letting the man chase" and to play fool, but it's seriously not working. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I just don't get it. Initiating communication isn't exactly chasing, or asking a guy out. Link to post Share on other sites
uncool Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I would lose interest because I would take it as a sign that she is not that interested in me ^^^^ yup... what he said thank god for dating. If she's not communicating w/you now... it will be 20x worse if you got married. she's gonna look stupid if she looses a stud like you just because she acts like a door stop. an attractive girl with an attractive body only goes so far if she acts like a dead fish. there's plenty of fish in the sea and you caught a dud.. now go catch another one Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 It is extremely rare that I initiate contact with men, whether we're just getting to know each other or are in a long-term committed relationship. It's not because I'm passive. I'm a go-getter in my life otherwise. It's mainly because I want to make sure he's really interested in me. In fact, the more I like him, the more strongly I feel compelled to be neutral and let him contact me. Also, I just haven't felt as though I have to. From age 14 to 32, I was almost always in a relationship, and in those 18 years, I initiated contact with the guy less than 5% of the time. I never got any complaints about that, and they kept contacting me. Now, if I like the guy, I am always responsive and enthusiastic, and I make it clear I want to keep seeing him. But I let him come to me. It's the same with sex. It doesn't matter how badly I want to do him right now, I usually wait for him to initiate. Experience has taught me that no matter what he might say, the man usually prefers to initiate. Now, I might throw on some sexy cut-off shorts and strut around the house to entice him to jump me. Believe me, I know what I want in bed, and I know when I want it. I would be more than happy to jump him anytime I want. But I don't feel that yields the best results, so I do it very rarely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 25, 2011 Author Share Posted March 25, 2011 It's mainly because I want to make sure he's really interested in me. In fact, the more I like him, the more strongly I feel compelled to be neutral and let him contact me. And is there ever a point where you are confident that he's interested in you and you are willing to initiate contact more often, if at all? Now, if I like the guy, I am always responsive and enthusiastic, and I make it clear I want to keep seeing him. But I let him come to me. And this is what I'm getting from this girl I'm dating. I have no doubts that she's interested and wants to keep seeing me, but it's also nice to get small gestures from her too from time to time, like those silly texts or IM's...otherwise, it doesn't seem like I'm really integrated in her life at all...more like a side show... It's the same with sex. It doesn't matter how badly I want to do him right now, I usually wait for him to initiate. Experience has taught me that no matter what he might say, the man usually prefers to initiate. Now, I might throw on some sexy cut-off shorts and strut around the house to entice him to jump me. Believe me, I know what I want in bed, and I know when I want it. I would be more than happy to jump him anytime I want. But I don't feel that yields the best results, so I do it very rarely. I would have to beg to differ...having a woman literally jump your bones can be an incredible turn on... Link to post Share on other sites
mr.dream merchant Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 After reading the responses of some female posters, it seems that they do this cat and mouse thing as more of a means to gain security, to make sure the guy involved is into them, which is kind of dumb cause if a stand up guy wasn't into a woman he just wouldn't be involved with her on any kind of level. OP, move onto another woman bro. Lord knows a young man is putting his time and energy into so many areas of life, last thing he needs is for a woman to demand more of that time and energy than necessary ie. you doing all the initiating/communication. It seems to me a selfish tactic only used by insecure women. They let the guy continually do all the work, so that way their ego is satisfied. Yeah, it's a relationship, but it's a parasitic one to a certain degree. Link to post Share on other sites
TouchedByViolet Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I love women who go for what they want. Who initiate conversation, sex, plans and etc. Yes as a guy I do most of this initiating, approximately 75% of the time. But I really appreciate it when a woman does the leg work. Some women like to sit on their hands until a guy comes by to do most of the work. Not for me! Women who initiate are sexy Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 25, 2011 Author Share Posted March 25, 2011 OP, move onto another woman bro. Lord knows a young man is putting his time and energy into so many areas of life, last thing he needs is for a woman to demand more of that time and energy than necessary ie. you doing all the initiating/communication. It's not really about time and energy at all. It takes me all of 5 seconds to send a text or make a phone call. And if you think about it, I would expend the exact same amount of time and energy responding to her if she were to initiate anyway, right? It's more about whether I'm actually on her mind when we aren't together, as I feel her initiating communication with me is a reflection of that... And moving on isn't really something I'm considering just yet...and definitely not because of this... Link to post Share on other sites
mr.dream merchant Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 It's not really about time and energy at all. It takes me all of 5 seconds to send a text or make a phone call. And if you think about it, I would expend the exact same amount of time and energy responding to her if she were to initiate anyway, right? It's more about whether I'm actually on her mind when we aren't together, as I feel her initiating communication with me is a reflection of that... And moving on isn't really something I'm considering just yet...and definitely not because of this... Why? Why put up with it if it's bothering you so much that you created this thread about it? So long as you know there are actual CONFIDENT women out there who don't play these cat and mouse games out of insecurity. :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 And is there ever a point where you are confident that he's interested in you and you are willing to initiate contact more often, if at all? Even if the guy has made it clear that I rock his world from foundation to firmament, I still let him come to me. It's true I'm generally a more introverted person, but I have friends who can be very assertive with men, and I see how it works out for them. All they've ever gotten out of it is a good time for a short while, never anything lasting. I think that if I wanted just sex, I would have no problem hand-picking my selection. (In fact, I'd probably take my time perusing the options, then directly proposition the man I wanted.) And this is what I'm getting from this girl I'm dating. I have no doubts that she's interested and wants to keep seeing me, but it's also nice to get small gestures from her too from time to time, like those silly texts or IM's...otherwise, it doesn't seem like I'm really integrated in her life at all...more like a side show... No guy has ever communicated to me that I don't contact often enough and he wants more. But if they had, I would have contacted more. I have tried to err on the side of not coming across as too needy or demanding of his time. I think one of the biggest problems for men in relationships is feeling constrained or controlled, so I avoid doing things that make him feel that way. I would have to beg to differ...having a woman literally jump your bones can be an incredible turn on... This is what my last boyfriend said to me. But anytime I tried it, he just seemed uncomfortable with me being in the position of power sexually. He would act like he had a stick up his butt until the MOMENT I relinquished control to him. Then he turned into Superman almost instantly, and we were golden. I didn't mind letting him initiate, because he was after me plenty to keep me sexually satisfied, he knew how to run the show in bed, and my pleasure was a top priority to him. He didn't want me to be the "lord" -- he wanted me to be the active and responsive "lady". And the lady always lets the lord ask her to dance. Some women like to sit on their hands until a guy comes by to do most of the work. It's really not that. Like Hokie said... It's not really about time and energy at all. It takes me all of 5 seconds to send a text or make a phone call. And if you think about it, I would expend the exact same amount of time and energy responding to her if she were to initiate anyway, right? It's more about whether I'm actually on her mind when we aren't together, as I feel her initiating communication with me is a reflection of that... No man that I am seeing has any doubt about whether he is on my mind. I'm not the one initiating contact, but as soon as I see that he's calling, my face lights up, and he can hear that when I answer. I'm scoping out fun date ideas for us, researching fun new sex things to try, letting him know in many different ways that he is the man, my man! But like I said, if a guy let me know that he'd like me to initiate contact more, I absolutely would. I just wanted to express my thoughts on the matter to let you know that not contacting does not necessarily equal not liking a lot. I'm curious if there are other things that make you doubt that she thinks about you when you're apart? Link to post Share on other sites
Isolde Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 (edited) RS, you never called guys even after months of dating? I think there's a spectrum of how women approach initiating contact, with the majority preferring the guy do so in the beginning stages but being willing to do it sometimes within a LTR. Edited March 25, 2011 by Isolde Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 RS, you never called guys even after months of dating? I think there's a spectrum of how women approach initiating contact, with the majority preferring the guy do so in the beginning stages but being willing to do it sometimes within a LTR. That's right. Like I said, I generally initiate contact less than 5% of the time. And for me, it's never been an issue. While we're together, I'll often say things like, "Hey, I've really been wanting to go hiking. Do you want to go this weekend?" But I almost never call and ask something like that. Though I'm progressive in many ways, I do tend to be more traditional in my dating style. Most of the men I've dated wanted to pay for dates and trips most of the time, too, throughout the relationship, and would brush away my offers to pay, almost as if they were insulted. All the guys I've dated were born in the 70s, like me, or earlier, and they all grew up in traditional man-as-provider families. Link to post Share on other sites
Isolde Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 That's right. Like I said, I generally initiate contact less than 5% of the time. And for me, it's never been an issue. While we're together, I'll often say things like, "Hey, I've really been wanting to go hiking. Do you want to go this weekend?" But I almost never call and ask something like that. Though I'm progressive in many ways, I do tend to be more traditional in my dating style. Most of the men I've dated wanted to pay for dates and trips most of the time, too, throughout the relationship, and would brush away my offers to pay, almost as if they were insulted. All the guys I've dated were born in the 70s, like me, or earlier, and they all grew up in traditional man-as-provider families. This is interesting, and I think it does differ from how people born in the 80s view dating. I can't help wondering if lots of women also share your dating style, but it seems from this thread that, as I said, there's a range. The guys you dated never told you to call them? I just think it is interesting that they took on the role of initiating contact as a given. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 The guys you dated never told you to call them? I just think it is interesting that they took on the role of initiating contact as a given. Nope. They seemed happy to call me and hear that I was glad to hear from them. It just happened naturally, like: *ring ring* "Hello?" "Hello, honey!" "Hey, baby!" "How's your day going?" "It's good. How are you?" blah blah blah Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 (edited) I also do not understand some women in this thread. I was born in the last year of 1970's but am usually dating guys in early 1980's. I have found that initiating makes the connection stronger. If I am sure that the guy is interested in me, I will send him cute texts occasionally. This is a bit later on, when I feel that things are flowing and going well. I strictly won't initiate if we have had a argument where I feel he was being unreasonable or if he is being distant or canceling/re-scheduling. Initiating then pretty much makes you a doormat. I also want to add that I usually get positive re-reinforcement when I call/text first. Along the lines of "your call made my day" or "your text put a huge smile on my face"... Edited March 25, 2011 by Eternal Sunshine Link to post Share on other sites
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