intellectual compatibility

[okane99]

I've been in a relationship with this great guy for 5 years now, we have been together since I was a junior in HS and he was a senior so we are the real HS sweetheats. So anyway, we broke up when we had about 3 and a half years together, we had a lot of problems in in between that year that we we're on and off but we finally went back to normal, or so it seemed. I'm a psychology student and my goal is to become a couple's counselor, I can detect a relationship problem from a mile away but when it comes to my relationship I guess I'm not as good.

My boyfriend is a great and honest guy (a bit too honest sometimes) and he's very smart and that's one of the things that caught my eye when we started dating but he always thought and still thinks I'm not even close to his level of smartness, I thought that with time he was going to get over that idea once he got to know me a lot better, I was oh so wrong.

Just today he told me that he thinks that since we're not very intellectually compatible we might start drifting apart, I was like wait a minute, after all these years you still think I'm "dumb"?! And yes, he still thinks I'm dumb and thinks I'm very below his intellectual level because he feels like I don't challenge him enough but I just know that he's just not giving me a chance because I remember many times where he has told me "Wow! I had no idea you knew that!" or "You do have good ideas in that head of yours!" and I think he just gets surprised because he doesn't give me a chance.

I'm taking this Marriage and Family class and it mentions the mating gradient which is basically that in the majority of marriages where the man is older than the woman, the man tends to have higher level of intelligence, higher education and higher income and they still achieve marital happiness.

I just really don't know what to think, any comments?

[Arabella]

I do believe that intellectual compatibility is very important, however, I don't believe that's the problem in your relationship at all!

 

From my point of view, the issue is that your boyfriend is talking down at you and telling you how he thinks he's better than you. Do you really want to be with someone who feels that way about you?

[Alma Mobley]

Well, he is obviously not smart enough to know his behavior is condescending and harmful. I hope you don't honestly believe that he is better than you. I have no idea if he is truly more intelligent than you are, but even if he is, so what? You don't sound like you are a complete and utter moron, so why does he feel this need to put you down and act surprised if you know something? He sounds insecure about his own intelligence if he's so invested in tearing down another's.

[carhill]

Hi OP, welcome to LS

 

Here's a couple threads to read which might be of interest:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t270357/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t270121/

 

The mating gradient you described surely would fit my parent's generation well, and my mom and dad reflected it and were married for life, but times and social dynamics have changed markedly.

 

IMO, the key is respect. My dad, a CPA, respected my mom, who had an 8th grade education, for her strengths (work ethic and frugality) and her loyalty and love. He often told me the true measure of intelligence is being able to act and communicate in ways and words that anyone can understand. IMO, he was a pretty wise man.

 

The mere utterance of the word 'dumb' shows the lack of respect your BF has for you. Sorry

[threebyfate]

I'm uncertain why you'd be concerned about the "mating gradient" when there's a blatant lack of respect in your relationship.

 

Why are you putting up with a partner treating you with a lack of respect?

[DitkasMoustache]

What's that old joke? "Women spend much of their lives looking for the perfect man... and spend the rest of their lives trying to change him"

 

Giving your BF the benefit of the doubt and assuming he's a good, stand-up guy in general I'm still gonna say that he needs to square himself away when it comes to respecting you. He might change, but I'd lay dollars to donuts that if he does so at your prompting you're going to figure out that the cost far outweighs the benefit.

 

My totally-not-professional advice: sit him down and explain to him in very clear, very explicit terms that this is a problem. Read from a prepared letter if you need to but make certain that there's no ambiguity about it. If he blows it off he should see nothing but your ass and elbows as you flee from him as fast as possible. If he seems to grasp that this is a serious problem that seriously bugs you you might (*might*) have a good starting point from which to launch a solid relationship.

 

Best of luck to you, ma'am. I hope your man is smart enough to listen to you.

[PinkInTheLimo]

The problem is not that you are less or more intelligent than him. The problem is that he wants to get the upper hand in the relationship and is abusive to you. He talks to you like you are a pupil and he is the teacher.

[Atilla the Hungry]

I'm taking this Marriage and Family class and it mentions the mating gradient which is basically that in the majority of marriages where the man is older than the woman, the man tends to have higher level of intelligence, higher education and higher income and they still achieve marital happiness.

 

I am rather older than my wife, but she is very much more intelligent than I am. Because of our difference in backgrounds, I had educational opportunities that she was denied. Thus I am currently earning more than she does, which allows her to pursue her advanced degrees while working part-time. I have no doubt she will soon catch me up and pass me professionally, and I look forward to that greatly! My previous marriage was intellectually incompatible. My ex-wife though older than me had less education despite having had the same opportunities I had had. She was simply not that interested and had probably reached the limit of her intellectual ability.

 

Whether couples achieve marital happiness or not would only depend on intellectual compatibility if that was of overriding importance to at least one of the partners. Many couples are content to allow one to be "the smart one" while the other is "the funny one" or "the attractive one" or "the one with the head for business", or an achiever on some other domain. If both are vying for the same territory though a disparity could become a problem.

 

In your relationship however it would appear that the intellectual compatibility is an indicator of a more fundamental incompatibility. It would appear from what you describe that your boyfriend disregards your input. The alacrity with which he forgets each time you impress him shows that his baseline view of you as lesser than himself persists, despite any evidence you may present. This suggests to me that he does not respect you fully as an equal, and reframes any new interactions in that light, reinforcing his firmly held belief. No amount of time spent together is likely to change that, I would guess. He has already labeled you and decided who or what you are and his prejudice will be difficult to shake.