Losing a parent

[datura_noir]

I have not been on LS for a while. I usually post in the Romantic forum. But I am here now because I lost my Mother in January.

 

She was fairly typical 70 year old with all of the usual problems; her doctor found suspicious (not cancerous) cells in her stomach, and in order to biopsy them, had to perform a very lengthy operation (the Whipple procedure).

 

Her doctor was frank-She had a 1% chance of dying after the operation. Given her health issues (RA, COPD), he couldn't promise her a grand recovery. But the op was successful, benign cells and all. She improved until she was transferred to a post-op facility, where they dehydrated her to the point of heart failure. She was life flighted back to UNC and cared for so well, but slipped into a sort of "recovery coma", in which her organs attempted to repair themselves. It worked. She rebounded around Christmas so well, eagerly doing her physical therapy and being all sassy as usual with the nurses, that they upped her release date to the first week of February. That was the last time I and my sisters saw her alive.

 

I got a call on January 23rd from my sister that she had passed...

 

My mother, my sparring partner, my adversary throughout my teens, my wonderful life coach, my rock, my soulmate-passed away and I feel lost and hurt. I cling to my sisters and my step-father for fear of losing some fragment of memory. My husband devoted that time to us as a family and handled some things for us and really showed me what love is. I have a bond now with my sisters that is even stronger than before. And I want so much to take care of my Step-father because of his devotion and dedication to my mother and us, as he had no children of his own.

 

I don't know why I am posting this on LS and not some bereavement site...Maybe because I have been here before and know (as much as one can) the people here, and feel a pretty good bond.

 

Time just slips away from all of us, and I really hoped for one last Thanksgiving dinner with my Mom...she wanted that so much.

[okane99]

I'm really sorry to hear that your mom has passed away, I can imagine how hard it is. You see, I was an atheist and remained so for about 6 years (even though I'm only 21). Later I turned to Buddhism (it's a long story why I did it, so we'll leave that for later) and it helps with emotional stability a lot. One of the things that Buddhism teaches you is to learn to cope with death because as we all know is something natural that is bound to happen to everyone. I know it's hard to get over a thing like that, specially if it was someone as close as your mom because I've been there. When I was about 7 years old my grandpa passed away and it was so very hard because we we're very close so I can kind of relate to you.

My point is that you need to cherish the good memories you have of her instead of focusing just on the fact that she passed away, be thankful for everything she gave you, your sisters and your step dad and just celebrate the memories you all have!

 

I wish you the best!

[Graceful]

Dear datura,

I am very sorry for you loss. I know it's one of life's biggest turning points, the loss of a parent, and a mum ... oh, how I also love my Mum, more than anyone in the world, so I can relate to the sorrow in your heart and the transition that you are going through as you learn to adapt to life here on this earth while your mum resides elsewhere. Where? One place is in your heart, forever and ever, and no one will ever be able to take that away from you. She's always going to be that close.

 

I don't usually come into this forum, either, but I saw the header of your post as I was scrolling down the page, and knew I had to pay you my respects. You see, my Dad died a few years ago, and I cry for him at times, just like he died yesterday. The anniversary of his death was at the end of February, and his birthday was last Sunday, so it's a tough week for me. I took this old tee shirt he used to wear and have used it as a pillow case this week.

 

It's little things like that that will bring you comfort. Maybe wearing something your mum used to like, or something she gave you. Or using something she used to like, and putting it on your table or dresser. Frame a lovely picture of her with your sisters. Such small gestures will comfort over time. And be there for your stepfather, he sounds like a very nice person as well.

 

But right now, just know that you're in transition. Be grateful you had such a friend, mentor and soul mate in your mother. You're very lucky to have had such a beautiful person in your life.

 

I wish you peace in your grief.

Love, Grace

 

My mother, my sparring partner, my adversary throughout my teens, my wonderful life coach, my rock, my soulmate-passed away and I feel lost and hurt. I cling to my sisters and my step-father for fear of losing some fragment of memory. My husband devoted that time to us as a family and handled some things for us and really showed me what love is. I have a bond now with my sisters that is even stronger than before. And I want so much to take care of my Step-father because of his devotion and dedication to my mother and us, as he had no children of his own.

[TurboGirl]

Datura,

(((HUGS))) I understand your pain. I lost my Mom on August 30. My Mom was very old... she was 92.5 (I was a surprise baby, born in her 40s) and she lived with me & my husband for the last 5 years. She was completely "with it" until the very end. I was an only child...

 

I won't tell my entire story here, but I would be happy to share it with you if you want to chat privately. I am still grieving too. All I can say, is that please hold onto the wonderful way she rebounded, and that you saw her when she rebounded, being her sassy self. Keep that picture in your heart. Sometimes they get better for a while, and the damage was too great for a permanent recovery. You have great memories of her, her spirit is alive in you every day! Be grateful that you have your sisters... you can talk about her often and keep her memories alive.

 

I know you don't want to hear it, but there is a reason for everything. It was her time to go, and thank the good Lord that it was very fast, and she did not suffer! Our creator wanted her with him, for a reason that is too magnificent for us to comprehend. She is still there, talk with her anytime you want to-- you were very close... and you know what the answers are because you are her daughter!

 

Please allow yourself the time to grieve and know that you will feel a bit better as time goes. The first year is the worst, I lost my Dad when I was very young, I speak from experience. Be kind to yourself, and cherish your wonderful memories.

[datura_noir]

Thank you so much! I do hold on to things that are tangible of her; she was a doll collector. And just walking through her house now is like a museum to her, with over 5,000 dolls. I know eventually that they will have to go, but I can't cope with that loss on top of her right now.

 

She kept everything; she was an only child of older parents, and the memorabilia and family history is incredible!

 

But it's ultimately the intangibles that remain...all of those stories, the advice. We never forget, do we?

 

My sister told me that for a woman, the loss of her mother is one of the most devastating moments in life. I beleive it.

[bentnotbroken]

It is hard losing a parent. It has been several years, but I still want that one last day. Cherish her memory, cry, yell, scream, curse whenever you need to. But most of all love others as she loved you.

[Goldenspoon]

And I want so much to take care of my Step-father because of his devotion and dedication to my mother and us, as he had no children of his own.

 

You want .......??? Why not I have been and will continue to do so?

[datura_noir]

Datura,

(((HUGS))) I understand your pain. I lost my Mom on August 30. My Mom was very old... she was 92.5 (I was a surprise baby, born in her 40s) and she lived with me & my husband for the last 5 years. She was completely "with it" until the very end. I was an only child...

 

I won't tell my entire story here, but I would be happy to share it with you if you want to chat privately. I am still grieving too. All I can say, is that please hold onto the wonderful way she rebounded, and that you saw her when she rebounded, being her sassy self. Keep that picture in your heart. Sometimes they get better for a while, and the damage was too great for a permanent recovery. You have great memories of her, her spirit is alive in you every day! Be grateful that you have your sisters... you can talk about her often and keep her memories alive.

 

I know you don't want to hear it, but there is a reason for everything. It was her time to go, and thank the good Lord that it was very fast, and she did not suffer! Our creator wanted her with him, for a reason that is too magnificent for us to comprehend. She is still there, talk with her anytime you want to-- you were very close... and you know what the answers are because you are her daughter!

 

Please allow yourself the time to grieve and know that you will feel a bit better as time goes. The first year is the worst, I lost my Dad when I was very young, I speak from experience. Be kind to yourself, and cherish your wonderful memories.

 

 

This means a lot to me. I just recently read and watched "the lovely bones", and was captivated by the idea of heaven.

 

I so hope she is in her heaven and happy and running with her dogs whom she loved, dressing her dolls, and looking down at her children and nudging them. I would love to see her one day and just for a little while, be shopping and talking with her.

 

My sister had a dream about a month after she passed, in which my mom hugged her. She felt this as a sign of her love for her. I have yet to feel my mom and recognize my "sign", we had so many great moments up until her death, and it's like I keep waiting, but it never comes. I have always been somewhat intuitive and spiritual, but with my mother's passing, I feel blocked and not ready to recieve. frustrating, but I know that it comes unexpectedly, and perhaps I am relying too much on this??

 

I feel so safe when I am with my husband and stepfather and sisters, maybe that is my one great sign?

[datura_noir]

I did think of my mom today relating to Elizabeth Taylor's death. My mom had been married five times and joked about it, I compared her to Taylor, and she always replied "You mean Elizabeth Taylor-Hilton-Wilding-Todd-Fisher-Burton-Burton-Warner-Fortensky?" And I would reply "Yes! Her!"

 

Her answer would always be, "Well, at least she was smart enough to marry and made it legal:laugh::laugh:".

 

Her last husband, my step-father (the only one I consider worthy), was her teen sweetheart. She met him when she was thirteen and he ws eighteen and in the Navy. He dated her and treated her well, but they went their separate ways, always touching base throughout the years.

 

When her fourth husband died and his wife died, both in 1984, my stepfather admitted at my mother's funeral that he regretted not getting together with her then, as he and she would have had many more years together. But such is life.

 

The pictures I have of them as teens are so cute and boy! Were they both hot!

[Tayla]

How precious those "talks" and memories can be.

I would like to share with you a small story that has aided soo very often when a loved one departs. I hope you can gather from it , the goodness it entales.

 

Story:

As I sat at the airport one day , delayed from a flight, I wandered my eyes to an elder man who was hugging a young lady and whispered to her a thought.

A tear came to the ladies eyes and as he departed for his flight she passed my way. I was entrigued with this young lady and took it upon my self to approach her, she seemed to need a gentle voice to speak and listen.

 

She graciously shared what had taken place. "Ohh that was my father, and he is quite ill, this will probably be the last time I see him." He has said to me since I was a child when we went our ways, " I wish you enough", never goodbye but always those words. So being she peaked my interest she provided the following:

 

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

 

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye. *** end story

 

So to you Datura I sincerely wish you enough memories,enough tales, enough tenderness to cherish all your mother meant to you. For sometimes all we can wish is...enough.

[whichwayisup]

got a call on January 23rd from my sister that she had passed...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how it hurts to lose a parent that you're close to, my father passed away in 1993.

 

It's good your closer to your sisters and to your stepfather..Family is so important!

 

Celebrate her life, maybe organize a benefit in her name to raise money to charity. Invite friends, family, neighbours, collegues.. During the event to share warm and loving memories of your mother..Plus it would be nice for you and your family to hear stories about your mom from others.

 

Hope this helps, and condolences to you and your family.

[rjkaaronrjk]

Loosing a parents is really pain full felling of all time, We know of no existence without our parents being there. And that is why losing a parent can be such a traumatic ordeal for many people,Unless we die early in life, we all go through the process of losing a parent or parent substitute. When our mother or father dies, it is a truly unique experience because, unlike with other people, in most cases we have literally known our parents all our lives.

[datura_noir]

Well I will be going back to mom's house next month to go through her "stuff" along with my sisters. I was supposed to be going on a trip to Japan, but that trip got cancelled out because of all the tragedy over there. And honestly, it's a good thing because my sisters and I really need to do this.

 

I see a lot of wine, margaritas and tears in the near future...

 

I never expected to lose her like this ...none of us did.

 

We have talked about opening up a doll/antique museum in her name, and my husband and I really want to move towards that area in the near future. I know sometimes that can be fantasy talk, but given her collection, we really need to consider it.

 

I think she would be proud and happy to have that-she always talked about it because she had a friend who did the same thing. I hope we can make her dream come true.

[Crazy Magnet]

Losing a Mom is....well, crappy. I lost my Mom just over three years ago and at times it feels like forever. At times it feels like yesterday. I know how much it hurts and how painful it will be to go through her things.

 

I sincerely hope for you that you can find the silver lining in even this, the darkest of clouds.

[Fugu]

I'm sorry for your loss, datura. I lost my father about 14 years ago now (hard to believe), and that was sad, but I doubt it is anything like what it will be like when my mom passes on. I don't even want to think about it.

[diamonds2443]

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my father this year Jan.13,2011, a day i will never forget. It feels like a piece of me is gone forever, and I can't seem to get over it. My coping mechanism is total avoidance. The other day i mistakenly listened to a message my dad left me and i was hysterical for the rest of the day. The pain is just too much...But time has been making it somewhat easier to enjoy little pieces of my dad...i just try to keep thinking that he is in a better place, a place that i cannot wait to get too..Good luck and know that their are other people out there that can relate and have gone on and been ok again.

[jackmark]

[sIZE=4]Losing a Parent, Losing Your Past[/sIZE]

[sIZE=4] [/sIZE]When a parent dies, it is only natural for us to grieve; to feel pain, anger, denial, guilt, and deep sadness. How do we say good-bye to a part of our past that helped make us the people we are today? Through grieving, we begin the process of dealing with reality and being able to remember without pain.Whether we lose a parent when we are young or our parent reaches a great age and we are almost elderly ourselves, the death of a parent is still a milestone in our lives. It is a rite of passage. Suddenly we are the ones holding the baton, there is no generation above us in our family tree still living.

[jackymark001]

Among children between 10 and 18 years of age, there's an increased risk of death. Compared with children who have not lost their mother at these ages, their risk of dying is nearly doubled. But even children up to the ages of 40-50 are affected by their mother's death, but in that case primarily over a longer term," says Mikael Rostila. In other words, our parents are very important to us throughout our lives. "The fact that it's primarily the loss of a mother that impacts children can be explained in different ways. It may be so that the relation between mother and child is characterized by a stronger emotional contact, entailing that the child is affected more by the loss. Other studies have shown that mothers transfer material and economic resources to their children to a greater extent than fathers do, which may have a positive effect on their health," says Mikael Rostila.