Married to a closet lesbian

[Disastrus]

Well, I guess I needed to face up to it sometime. Not going to go into too much detail, but the impatience during sex, the distasteful looks, the rolling of the eyes, to comments on how gross sex is, the secretly masturbating to lesbian porn, among other things have led me to conclude that I have been married to a closet lesbian too afraid to come out for the last 19 years.

 

Frankly, I am damn good looking, in shape, am clean (she bathes once or twice a week) she is overweight and complains rather than doing something about it. She does not work and is incredibly indifferent about housework (If I try to help she blows her top on how I make her feel guilty) and yes I try very hard to seduce my wife, but she plays it very passive-aggressive and only seems to "let" me be with her to salve guilt. I have an earlier post about some of her antics.

Confronting her about anything will result in a tirade and her fuming for days until she lays into me with ****e that happened 19 years ago, like forgetting to take out the trash or crap she dreamed about, yes you heard me, I get railed on for crap that happened in a dream.

 

She is also quite adept when we are out, to put on the sweet mien, and hang on me in public and pretend everything is perfect but it's not.

 

I am pretty much standing my ground at this point. No more BS will be tolerated, but I sure wish she would come out of the closet, rather than be an effing coward about it and let me get on with my life.

[yessy21]

wow. i AM SO SORRY to hear about this. just let it be known that u know. maybe she will fess up finally!

[sunshinegirl]

Are you looking for particular input or advice? Or are you more wanting to vent about your situation? (which is fine too)

[PorkRinds]

I watch lesbian porn too but I'm not a lesbian.

[hoping2heal]

Well, I guess I needed to face up to it sometime. Not going to go into too much detail, but the impatience during sex, the distasteful looks, the rolling of the eyes, to comments on how gross sex is, the secretly masturbating to lesbian porn, among other things have led me to conclude that I have been married to a closet lesbian too afraid to come out for the last 19 years.

 

Frankly, I am damn good looking, in shape, am clean (she bathes once or twice a week) she is overweight and complains rather than doing something about it. She does not work and is incredibly indifferent about housework (If I try to help she blows her top on how I make her feel guilty) and yes I try very hard to seduce my wife, but she plays it very passive-aggressive and only seems to "let" me be with her to salve guilt. I have an earlier post about some of her antics.

Confronting her about anything will result in a tirade and her fuming for days until she lays into me with ****e that happened 19 years ago, like forgetting to take out the trash or crap she dreamed about, yes you heard me, I get railed on for crap that happened in a dream.

 

She is also quite adept when we are out, to put on the sweet mien, and hang on me in public and pretend everything is perfect but it's not.

 

I am pretty much standing my ground at this point. No more BS will be tolerated, but I sure wish she would come out of the closet, rather than be an effing coward about it and let me get on with my life.

 

I am seriously confused at how you made the connection she is a lesbian just because she is a miserable human being. I watch lesbian porn from time to time and believe me, I am no lesbian lol. I am not even bi and I have had the chances to find out if I really wanted but..no thanks. She just sounds like she is someone who is lazy and bitter about herself and her life so therefore she spends her days making misery.

[TigerCub]

Well, I guess I needed to face up to it sometime. Not going to go into too much detail, but the impatience during sex, the distasteful looks, the rolling of the eyes, to comments on how gross sex is, the secretly masturbating to lesbian porn, among other things have led me to conclude that I have been married to a closet lesbian too afraid to come out for the last 19 years.

 

Frankly, I am damn good looking, in shape, am clean (she bathes once or twice a week) she is overweight and complains rather than doing something about it. She does not work and is incredibly indifferent about housework (If I try to help she blows her top on how I make her feel guilty) and yes I try very hard to seduce my wife, but she plays it very passive-aggressive and only seems to "let" me be with her to salve guilt. I have an earlier post about some of her antics.

Confronting her about anything will result in a tirade and her fuming for days until she lays into me with ****e that happened 19 years ago, like forgetting to take out the trash or crap she dreamed about, yes you heard me, I get railed on for crap that happened in a dream.

 

She is also quite adept when we are out, to put on the sweet mien, and hang on me in public and pretend everything is perfect but it's not.

 

I am pretty much standing my ground at this point. No more BS will be tolerated, but I sure wish she would come out of the closet, rather than be an effing coward about it and let me get on with my life.

 

Sorry you're marriage sounds so frustrating and sad.

But I do have to agree that it doesn't seem like a lesbian issue.

 

There are plenty of men here that complain that their wives are (one or all of the listed below):

-lazy

-let themselves go

-not interested in sex **this is a huge recurring issue posted here**

-moody

-doesn't do enough around the house

 

you get the idea... I think these issues seem to happen with a lot married people - well at least that's what I'm understanding from all these posts.

 

As for the lesbian porn - I greatly enjoy girl on girl porn, but I'm not a lesbian...so I don't think she HAS to be just because she enjoys it too.

 

I do hope that you and your W find a way to figure out how to get your M on track.

 

Good luck

[Feelin Frisky]

Coming out of the closet is going to fix things for you? I think you need to fix things for you. 19 years is enough evidence that there's a hopeless trajectory to this marriage regardless of whether or not she's a lesbian. She is one of those people who blames others for things and doesn't take responsibility for changing herself to make things better. She has reinforced these messages of outward blame and inward denial to the extent that she has a complex that is just toxic to you and you can't change that without further loss or investment in futility.

 

From what you said, I too don't see enough to think she's that much of a lesbian. She may however be a "sexist". A lot of people confuse lesbianism with female sexism and indeed a lot of lesbians are partly or wholly sexist--projecting disgust with an entire gender rather than giving people a chance one at a time. A real lesbian however is driven to ACT her nature--a real lesbian is a total identity formed on a sexual identity and orientation. If she were that you would have seen something much more real than some female on female porn. Good luck and my advice is to start an exit plan and stick to it.

[bloppy]

She only bathes once or twice a week?! Do you think she might be depressed?

[CoffeeKing]

Yeah. I think the same about MY wife. During sex, the only talking we do is: "The other girl will do this while I do that and you can do us both while we...."

 

She claims that she's straight, but that's all she talks about. Touching and licking other girls while I do her.... hoe this doesn't end poorly.

[Atilla the Hungry]

Well, I guess I needed to face up to it sometime. Not going to go into too much detail, but the impatience during sex, the distasteful looks, the rolling of the eyes, to comments on how gross sex is, the secretly masturbating to lesbian porn, among other things have led me to conclude that I have been married to a closet lesbian too afraid to come out for the last 19 years.

 

Frankly, I am damn good looking, in shape, am clean (she bathes once or twice a week) she is overweight and complains rather than doing something about it. She does not work and is incredibly indifferent about housework (If I try to help she blows her top on how I make her feel guilty) and yes I try very hard to seduce my wife, but she plays it very passive-aggressive and only seems to "let" me be with her to salve guilt. I have an earlier post about some of her antics.

Confronting her about anything will result in a tirade and her fuming for days until she lays into me with ****e that happened 19 years ago, like forgetting to take out the trash or crap she dreamed about, yes you heard me, I get railed on for crap that happened in a dream.

 

She is also quite adept when we are out, to put on the sweet mien, and hang on me in public and pretend everything is perfect but it's not.

 

I am pretty much standing my ground at this point. No more BS will be tolerated, but I sure wish she would come out of the closet, rather than be an effing coward about it and let me get on with my life.

 

Your wife sounds rather like my ex-wife. I stuck it out for more than thirty years before I left. I was very surprised when I left her that she went in search of a boyfriend. After thirty years of telling me how awful men were, she still wanted another one? Fortunately he was a quicker learner than I was and dropped her after a very short time.

 

My ex-wife is very masculine in her dress and her manner. Despite being very short and plump she has always dressed in slacks and flat shoes and resembles a greyer Danny De Vito with more hair. My ex-wife never admitted to looking at pornography but she did appear to have an inappropriately intimate relationship with one of her women friends, though she always denied it even when presented with evidence. I think her conservative beliefs stop her from admitting her preferences, and I don't think she will ever be happy, as a result.

[Lauriebell82]

I don't know if any of what you have said qualifies her as a lesbian. I agree with the other posters that she is probably just unhappy with her life right now. Have you asked her if she is unhappy and why that is? I'm not trying to play the blame game, but there must be a reason she is acting this way. I'd say you need to find out what that is, instead of automatically assuming her behavior is due to her being in the closet. I think you may be saying this in order to shift focus off yourself, and taking responsibility for the fact that it is your MARRIAGE that is reinforcing this behavior, not her sexual orientation.

[Disastrus]

I don't know if any of what you have said qualifies her as a lesbian. I agree with the other posters that she is probably just unhappy with her life right now. Have you asked her if she is unhappy and why that is? I'm not trying to play the blame game, but there must be a reason she is acting this way. I'd say you need to find out what that is, instead of automatically assuming her behavior is due to her being in the closet. I think you may be saying this in order to shift focus off yourself, and taking responsibility for the fact that it is your MARRIAGE that is reinforcing this behavior, not her sexual orientation.

 

I don't see a need to defend what I said. Obviously there are other factors that influence my opinion...and it's merely opinion. I refuse to buy in to the idea that her behavior is due to some sort of defect in mine. Bullies always blame the victim it seems. I have done my absolute best for her and our children, and have sacrificed a great deal to make sure they have been taken care of and loved, even to the detriment of my own health and sanity it seems.

 

I have NEVER failed to tell her and show her that I love her every day for close to 20 years, because I do still love her, but the stress and pressure is starting to drag me down. I refuse to be beaten down, even though I feel like I have been cheated out of a sex life, and it's usually up to me to take care of myself.

 

Yes, it's possible she is depressed, but she has this near-hatred of doctors and will vehemently refuse to see one because she thinks they will try to put her on meds...One doctor did spot her depression and she stopped going and hasn't been back for 10 years.

 

The word of a song spring to mind "Ya can't talk to a psycho like a normal human being"

 

There are other signs that have led me to this pass, which I haven't and likely won't share. I am expected to "Just take it" and that's what I will have to do. She has no job skills, as she does not work outside the home, and rarely does anything in the home. What I have is a room-mate who contributes little and takes much.

 

Thank you all for the input.

 

Dis

[Lauriebell82]

I don't see a need to defend what I said. Obviously there are other factors that influence my opinion...and it's merely opinion. I refuse to buy in to the idea that her behavior is due to some sort of defect in mine. Bullies always blame the victim it seems. I have done my absolute best for her and our children, and have sacrificed a great deal to make sure they have been taken care of and loved, even to the detriment of my own health and sanity it seems.

 

I have NEVER failed to tell her and show her that I love her every day for close to 20 years, because I do still love her, but the stress and pressure is starting to drag me down. I refuse to be beaten down, even though I feel like I have been cheated out of a sex life, and it's usually up to me to take care of myself.

 

Yes, it's possible she is depressed, but she has this near-hatred of doctors and will vehemently refuse to see one because she thinks they will try to put her on meds...One doctor did spot her depression and she stopped going and hasn't been back for 10 years.

 

The word of a song spring to mind "Ya can't talk to a psycho like a normal human being"

 

There are other signs that have led me to this pass, which I haven't and likely won't share. I am expected to "Just take it" and that's what I will have to do. She has no job skills, as she does not work outside the home, and rarely does anything in the home. What I have is a room-mate who contributes little and takes much.

 

Thank you all for the input.

 

Dis

 

I wasn't trying to put all the blame on you and say that her behavior is your fault. I think she is depressed also, unfortunately if she refuses to get help then there isn't much you can do. She is going to have to want to change her behavior.

 

What myself and everyone else on this thread have said, was that you may have been off base regarding her sexual orientation, and that it is likely something else that is causing this behavior. That's all.