I am trying to go NC

[AlaFlower]

Hi all,

 

I am new on this forum. I've been reading all the stories on here and tried to get some strength to end my A with MM. Before I started reading I had some hope left but realized that it's gotta stop...

 

My story is not much different from many other stories on here. We started the A over two years ago. Both married and still are. I am now separated and have been leading my own life as well as my husband. We don't have drama and agreed to get the official divorce as soon as some stuff are taken care of.

My MM's marriage is still "going on" and I don't think he will ever get divorced.

 

None of us have kids which makes it a bit easier on everyone. I do love him tremendously. My marriage was broken way before I met MM. His marriage... He said it wasn't working out and he wanted to get on his own and just needed time to recover financially (yeah, I read on here that it's one of the main excuses...).

 

When we first started the A I wasn't expecting anything as I was ok with it being temporary relief to help me deal with the things at that time. However he got serious pretty quickly. According to what he said about his marriage it wasn't working, they had some counselling and he did everything he could to try and fix it. That's how my marriage was at that time so I believed him that he was going through something similar.

 

We had developed wonderful relationship. He kept saying that he wanted to be with me and just needed some time. I needed time to, but I think I was a few steps ahead - as I was already able to hang out with whoever I want and nobody would say anything...

 

About 6 months after we started the A he moved to another state. I am on the West Coast, he is now on the East Coast. He didn't tell me he was going to move till the last month before the move. It hurt me so deeply, I can't describe how much it hurt.

 

At that time I sent an email and went NC. He broke it shortly and I was thankful he did because it hurt like hell and I couldn't handle the pain.

 

We kept in touch by email, sms, phone calls and it was bitter-sweet. It got serious at some point as we were making plans for the future. However I wasn't going to go visit him till he would get separated.

 

Around a year ago the situation with his M was getting worse. He was getting very unhappy and frustrated. Finally it got to the point when he got his own place and they signed the separation papers. He was in a major financial hole.

I got some reassurance that now we could really talk about real plans for us though. I couldn't go visit him right away because of some problems at my work at that time, but we were discussing that I would go and visit him. I had vacation coming up so it seemed like the best idea and it was working out really well. I was happy. He told me how much he loved me all the time. Always checking on me to make sure everything was fine. Very sweet and romantic.

About two weeks before my trip he was kinda disappearing - no reply to my messages right away, less phone calls, etc. I was wondering what happened but he kept saying everything was just fine. So... right before I was supposed to go visit him he told me that he got a vacation for the same week and we could have a nice trip together - ok, good idea, I am flexible...

 

I flew down, he picked me at the airport and... a few hours later I found out that he came back home but it didn't mean anything because it was just because he couldn't afford to have his own place at that time and pay for the lawyers and all other expenses that hit him (new medical bills, car broke down, you name it). I was shocked - first of all because he didn't tell me about it when it happened. I had no clue what was going on.

I cried and cried, but I was very happy to see him. I felt good being in his arms. He tried to calm me down saying that they slept in separate bedrooms.

I was hurting so bad again. But the trip went ok aside from the drama.

I flew back a few weeks later to visit him. Then again. And again. He was able to find time for my visits, but I already saw that what he was telling me about his M wasn't the truth. It looked like they were doing good and she called him often so he had to step out of the room to take the call. Every time he had to answer the phone it was like cutting my hear with a knife. I had a very hard time dealing with it, but what could I do? I wasn't ready to walk away...

 

A few months later and he still talks about finances that he needs to straighten out before he can leave again. A few weeks ago I looked through her Facebook page and found a few messages on her wall from him saying how much he loves her. She posted the same on his wall. It became pretty clear that he is not going to leave again, or at least for a while... For longer than I am willing to wait.

 

It hurts like hell. I've been thinking about it for a few weeks and looked for some support online and found this forum. All the advice here say to leave. So I put all the pieces of me together and left him a message saying I'm done. Now I just need to stick to my decision and calm down.

 

I really need some support. I love him tremendously. I can not imagine not having to talk to him in the morning. I can not imagine to go to bed without saying good night. I want to know how his day was and make sure that he is doing good... I know I had to stop this A because it could hurt much more in a long term. I know for sure he is not going to get divorced. They do stuff together, go out for dinner and stuff.

 

I tried to make it short and just write about main events and avoid talking about my feelings because I am sitting here crying, shaking, I can't even see straight, I can barely type. Talking about how I really feel about him and how much I love him will only make it worse for me right now. It's sooooooo painful. I don't know how to smooth it out.

 

I need support. I know I shouldn't have gotten into the A at the first place, but I did... I don't regret I did and I deserve this pain I am going through right now. But I really need support as I need to avoid any contact and stay strong. I don't know what I will do if he calls me or emails me. I want him to be happy in his M if he really loves his W. But at the same time I am hurting so bad and I have no one to talk about it.

 

Thanks. Sorry for another silly story. We all learn from our own mistakes, don't we?

[BB07]

Welcome to LS AF and I'm sorry you find yourself here and in pain. From what you have wrote it sounds as if you just can't tell with the pain and uncertainty any longer and I'm sure a lot of us can relate. I remember that feeling.

 

I'm curious........do you know for a fact that your mm really was separated? It sounds terribly suspicious to me that he all the sudden went quite on you right before your trip. Which I guess in the great scheme of things it really doesn't matter since you are done.

 

Have you read the information here about going NC and how to do that?

 

I don't have the link handy right now but I'm sure someone will post it soon.

 

What do you need for us to do? Point you to resources or do you just need to talk about it?

[AlaFlower]

Welcome to LS AF and I'm sorry you find yourself here and in pain. From what you have wrote it sounds as if you just can't tell with the pain and uncertainty any longer and I'm sure a lot of us can relate. I remember that feeling.

 

I'm curious........do you know for a fact that your mm really was separated? It sounds terribly suspicious to me that he all the sudden went quite on you right before your trip. Which I guess in the great scheme of things it really doesn't matter since you are done.

 

Honestly I don't know... He never sent any pictures of the new place. He was just talking all the time that he was moving stuff to that new place and how much money he needed as a deposit and all that... Now that I think about it it might be that he just wanted to see me and I wasn't going there till he would get his own place and get the paperwork started for the separation. It's really hard for me to know for sure what was going on. I tend to believe that there was way too much he didn't tell me about. I also think that the only reason he might have gotten that place was that she kicked him out for whatever reason. Their relationship have been bumpy from what I know.

 

Have you read the information here about going NC and how to do that?

 

I don't have the link handy right now but I'm sure someone will post it soon.

 

What do you need for us to do? Point you to resources or do you just need to talk about it?

 

Thanks BB. I don't think I read specifically how to go NC... I am so confused right now and can't stop crying. Just got too emotional. I am trying to sound like a strong person to convince myself that I can do that... But it's soooooo hard.... I have no one to talk to and I don't think this topic would be appropriate to discuss with any of my friends....

 

If you could point me to the resources that would be good... I don't know how to deal with it. I am totally crushed right now.

 

Thanks for your reply. I needed it...

[Amour7]

Alaflower,

Welcome to LS. I really feel for your pain. This might feel like the hardest thing you have ever been through. Many of us will empathize because we have been there or are currently in similar situations. I can't offer you great advice because I have not succeeded when I have tried to move on from my affair with a MM. However, I have received excellent advice from many people on here, and I am sure you will, too. What I can say is try to dig down deep, communicate truthfully your feelings, fears, hopes, etc. as you look for support. This might be the only place in the world where you feel like you can share what is really going on. No matter what the outcome, I think sharing and having others respond openly and (often) compassionately will help you feel less isolated. Over time, that might give you enough strength to start making some movement toward what you really want.

 

My thoughts are with you. Wishing you strength, courage, and wisdom.

[AlaFlower]

Alaflower,

Welcome to LS. I really feel for your pain. This might feel like the hardest thing you have ever been through. Many of us will empathize because we have been there or are currently in similar situations. I can't offer you great advice because I have not succeeded when I have tried to move on from my affair with a MM. However, I have received excellent advice from many people on here, and I am sure you will, too. What I can say is try to dig down deep, communicate truthfully your feelings, fears, hopes, etc. as you look for support. This might be the only place in the world where you feel like you can share what is really going on. No matter what the outcome, I think sharing and having others respond openly and (often) compassionately will help you feel less isolated. Over time, that might give you enough strength to start making some movement toward what you really want.

 

My thoughts are with you. Wishing you strength, courage, and wisdom.

 

Thank you Amour. When I was reading stories on here I felt the pain of everyone who post their stories... My story is very similar to a lot of stories, so I could relate too. It's just that my story is not any special and I do appreciate the time people take to comment even though they heard similar stories hundreds of times... Thank you all.

 

I hope that if I pour it all out it will put me at ease... I've been dealing with it on my own for so long that it's hard to start talking but I desperately need it.

 

I just turned off my phone as he keeps texting me like nothing ever happened. I can't keep it completely turned off - I need to be available for work...

It's not going to be easy.

[Amour7]

Thank you Amour. When I was reading stories on here I felt the pain of everyone who post their stories... My story is very similar to a lot of stories, so I could relate too. It's just that my story is not any special and I do appreciate the time people take to comment even though they heard similar stories hundreds of times... Thank you all.

 

I hope that if I pour it all out it will put me at ease... I've been dealing with it on my own for so long that it's hard to start talking but I desperately need it.

 

I just turned off my phone as he keeps texting me like nothing ever happened. I can't keep it completely turned off - I need to be available for work...

It's not going to be easy.

 

Your story might resemble many others here, but it worth posting for yourself and the rest of us. I, personally, need to keep seeing the similarities so I can question if my feelings for MM are really so special or are maybe due to the circumstances of the A. The roller coaster ride of an A heightens a lot of the feelings, I have found, and the highs become addictive.

 

You are right; this won't be easy. If you are looking for tips to take some steps before going full out NC or if you aren't able to maintain NC, check out a thread on this page called "Before going cold turkey." I am biased because it was my OP, but I found some of the suggestions very helpful.

 

And yes, go ahead and pour it all out! This is the place to do it. Maybe some day you will feel the desire to share with someone in real life, but for now, this is safe for you. You are not alone.

 

(((hugs)))

[Amour7]

According to another member, this is supposed to be a good thread :

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

[BB07]

I think this site has some good advice. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/breaking-up-with-and-getting-over-a-married-manattached-man/

 

Something that is repeated here a lot is NC means no new hurts and it's true.

 

You can't heal until you do the 1st very hard step.

[AlaFlower]

Your story might resemble many others here, but it worth posting for yourself and the rest of us. I, personally, need to keep seeing the similarities so I can question if my feelings for MM are really so special or are maybe due to the circumstances of the A. The roller coaster ride of an A heightens a lot of the feelings, I have found, and the highs become addictive.

 

It is addictive. And it's been such a roller coaster. I used to hate drama, but now I feel like I am addictive to roller coaster of emotions. It doesn't do me any good though - but it affects my work in a negative way. I can't seem to concentrate at work anymore and I love my job, so it would be really bad if my low productivity was going on for a while...

 

You are right; this won't be easy. If you are looking for tips to take some steps before going full out NC or if you aren't able to maintain NC, check out a thread on this page called "Before going cold turkey." I am biased because it was my OP, but I found some of the suggestions very helpful.

 

And yes, go ahead and pour it all out! This is the place to do it. Maybe some day you will feel the desire to share with someone in real life, but for now, this is safe for you. You are not alone.

 

(((hugs)))

 

Thanks Amour! I will read that thread. I am reading different threads on here right now and see how hard it is for a lot of people to keep NC... I just hope I can do it.... This has to stop. I know I have to let it go and move on.

 

Thanks for the hug too I wish I could get a hug in real life *sigh*

[journeyeleven]

Take a deep breath, Ala. It's going to be REALLY hard to do this and guess what - you may not be successful. THIS time. Sometimes it takes more than one try to get it right.

 

For me, I tried several times before I was able to maintain NC for more than a week or two. In hindsight, I realize I was not prepared emotionally to deal with the loss. But over time and with each attempt, I became stronger; it was a process. Don't panic. You will get through this - go easy on yourself.

[AlaFlower]

I think this site has some good advice. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/breaking-up-with-and-getting-over-a-married-manattached-man/

 

Something that is repeated here a lot is NC means no new hurts and it's true.

 

You can't heal until you do the 1st very hard step.

 

Thank you so much for this link. All the info is true. It's just hard to admit that it's all true, especially this one: "Yes I’m sure there were happy times, but you need to remember how you REALLY felt when you were with him. Look back at your diary, think back to specifics and there are probably a lot of times when you were lonely, disappointed, insecure, sidelined, teary, clingy, frustrated, angry, too dependent, listless and much more"

Yes, I indeed felt like that often... I hate to admit it though.... And that's why I need to stop that and move on. Just wishing I could do that. I already feel the urge to reply to texts, but instead I took the battery out of the phone to try to stay firm... One step at a time.

It hurts like hell

[AlaFlower]

Take a deep breath, Ala. It's going to be REALLY hard to do this and guess what - you may not be successful. THIS time. Sometimes it takes more than one try to get it right.

 

For me, I tried several times before I was able to maintain NC for more than a week or two. In hindsight, I realize I was not prepared emotionally to deal with the loss. But over time and with each attempt, I became stronger; it was a process. Don't panic. You will get through this - go easy on yourself.

 

Thank you. I will try to stay strong. I know it's the right thing to do. Well, while I am sitting here crying I also have second thoughts... Like what if he admitted that he is not going to get divorced and never was separated - would that make a difference for me? The result is the same at the end - we can not be together. But would I have more respect at this point if I just heard the truth? It shouldn't matter and I hope it won't matter after some time.

 

Of course deep inside I would want to hope that he would make his promises real - but I know it won't happen... And many stories on here just prove it to me...

[lynne76]

I am trying to go NC as well. I'm on the beginning of day 4. It is definitely not easy. You are not alone, please hang in there.

[MLC64]

I am wishing you the best....to all attempting NC. It is going to be very hard but I am on Day 1. I am reading all I can to be successful.......I am at the numb stage......reading the Baggageeclaim site has really helped as the posts here. I do know it is possible but also know it won't be easy.

 

I know when I am alone.....I will be a mess but have to get through this day spending it with my daughter....being with her will be a blessing.

Edited March 25, 2011 by MLC64
bad spelling...

[AlaFlower]

We all can do it. Just have to remember that it's for the best (even though I don't feel it that way yet)

 

It's my first morning without sweet morning texts... This pain is killing me. I had to leave work earlier because I couldn't handle to be with people. What a mess...

[Amour7]

Can you do something good for yourself tonight? Order Chinese, schedule a massage for tomorrow, rent a funny (non-romantic!) movie? This is time for serious interventions on your own behalf. Money is no object, nor are calories

 

It's ok to have a hard day. Of course it would be tough. And look- you've made it this far. Good job!

[Flabbergaster]

We all can do it. Just have to remember that it's for the best (even though I don't feel it that way yet)

 

It's my first morning without sweet morning texts... This pain is killing me. I had to leave work earlier because I couldn't handle to be with people. What a mess...

 

Lots of us have been there. I have. It will hurt less, the missing things like morning sms. then you'll get used to being on your own without it. then one day you'll realize it doesn't really hurt, not getting that morning sms anymore.

 

it hurts a lot, right now. it will get better. quickly. stick with the program. post here, we will all cry with you and let you know that you are not alone, that we are here, that we got better and will help you.

[AlaFlower]

Can you do something good for yourself tonight? Order Chinese, schedule a massage for tomorrow, rent a funny (non-romantic!) movie? This is time for serious interventions on your own behalf. Money is no object, nor are calories

 

It's ok to have a hard day. Of course it would be tough. And look- you've made it this far. Good job!

 

I went on a ride to clear my mind, also to avoid the urge to text him. Well, I guess I survived the first day. But I feel much worse than yesterday. Tried to stay busy the whole day but mi mind keeps wondering... I have doubts that it was a right thing to do or a right time... (I know, I know... Blah...)

[AlaFlower]

Lots of us have been there. I have. It will hurt less, the missing things like morning sms. then you'll get used to being on your own without it. then one day you'll realize it doesn't really hurt, not getting that morning sms anymore.

 

it hurts a lot, right now. it will get better. quickly. stick with the program. post here, we will all cry with you and let you know that you are not alone, that we are here, that we got better and will help you.

 

Thank you for your kind words.

I feel awfully lonely. I feel like I am completely on my own when no one cares about me. Which can't be true - I still have friends, even though they don't know what's going on... But this pain and feeling lonely just too much for me...

[Amour7]

Thank you for your kind words.

I feel awfully lonely. I feel like I am completely on my own when no one cares about me. Which can't be true - I still have friends, even though they don't know what's going on... But this pain and feeling lonely just too much for me...

 

You will get through this. It feels like it is "too much" but you can and will get through this. Keep finding things to distract you. Good for you for going for a drive Make plans with your friends. Tell someone you are sad, and you get to choose how much to share. You don't have to tell everything. But having someone in real life who knows you are in pain will be helpful.

 

Let us know what you need for support; we are here for you.

[AlaFlower]

It's been two days... The two longest days in my life... I don't think I can handle any longer. My, it's only two day but feels like eternity.

 

I should have started with LC first to at least get used to less chit-chats. Why oh why I am so stupid....

 

I feel the urge to message but I know it will just bring me back to where I left with no benefit in a long-term... But I can barely breeze because of how much it hurts

[MLC64]

Alaflower, how are you doing? I just passed the first 24 hrs and I am struggling in the worst way. I hope you are doing well and have kept busy to stick to NC. I hope all of us trying NC are hanging in there.

I was really quite angry yesterday but woke up today feeling sad and unsure also which made if more difficult. Lots of tears....

I also always woke up to good morning txts, goodnight txts before bed which I know I will miss so much and all the rest that went on throughout the day. I feel I have lost my best friend. But I know deep down he wasn't my best friend, he was someone who is a narcissistic cheater who has deeply rooted issues and I probably don't mean that much to him, I have to keep believing that to get through this. The lies, the insecure feelings the highs and lows, the times he made me feel so horrible and twisted, I will not miss that. I am making a list of the negative feelings I have felt over this four months and it is a long list, (much longer than the happy and uplifting times) this has helped somewhat getting through the difficult moments. It is not easy, this is going to be super hard and I know that if it is ok whenever I feel like respondning to him I can come here. I suggest we all do the same.

Thank you to everyone who has been helpful and understanding and yes, those also who have offered not as rosey but helpful advice.

[AlaFlower]

Alaflower, how are you doing? I just passed the first 24 hrs and I am struggling in the worst way. I hope you are doing well and have kept busy to stick to NC. I hope all of us trying NC are hanging in there.

 

I am really struggling here too.... I am thinking that I was not mentally prepared to cut it off the way I did. I really feel like texting to get a "pain relief" but then what?

 

I was really quite angry yesterday but woke up today feeling sad and unsure also which made if more difficult. Lots of tears....

 

I am so sorry MLC. I know how you feel (at least have an idea as I am going through the same pain). I wish we could just get together and support each other through tough times...

 

I also always woke up to good morning txts, goodnight txts before bed which I know I will miss so much and all the rest that went on throughout the day. I feel I have lost my best friend.

 

That's how I feel too... Just need to remind myself that if he really cared about me he wouldn't let this go the way it went... and we wouldn't hurt each other and innocent people around....

And I am going to do as you did - write a list of negative things that happened and focus on them. Reality check. I hope it will help...

 

If I can not handle it and finally text him or do any other stupid thing, I will try to gain my confidence while keeping in touch and leave again if it doesn't work out this time. So far it's been three days and I am in more pain than a few days ago. I can't get it out of my mind...

 

Hope you are doing a bit better MLC. Praying for you too...

[theSilliestFairy]

We all can do it. Just have to remember that it's for the best (even though I don't feel it that way yet)

 

It's my first morning without sweet morning texts... This pain is killing me. I had to leave work earlier because I couldn't handle to be with people. What a mess...

 

 

Oh my god, I feel for you. I remember the agony of uncertainty and it hurts worse than being physically cut - mostly because you create your own agony imagining what MIGHT be the reason for his actions. Until you have concrete evidence of x,y and z, you can't act accordingly. Sadly, going through his and her Facebook (are you friends with BOTH of them or did you hack his account?!) has given you a pretty concrete foundation for your agony and it is this deceit that makes you feel like someone sucker-punched you. I hacked Bs's facebook account once as she was "friends" with my sister from way-back (horrible!!!!!) and had to read that he had bought her flowers from the supermarket and a new laptop for her work. I had to paste a smile on my face and take it as I knew I shouldn't have been snooping in the first place.

 

My only advice to you, which is what I told myself in the beginning, is draw strength from the fact that women are ALWAYS emotionally stronger than me who are, for the most part, TERRIBLE cowards! We CAN walk away. We don't NEED them. Men love to cling onto the fact that they can usually talk us round but once the blinkers come off, we can just as quickly see through it.

 

He has lied to both of you, thats very sad. Just remember babe, don't run after a man who is running away from you. Be strong, endure.

I send you all the healing magic I can xxx

[journeyeleven]

Ala, NC is extremely painful and there is no way around it. For me, it took a very long time and many attempts before I could make it stick. Whether you accomplish it on the first try or the 10th doesn't matter; it's going to hurt a lot.

 

It sounds like you are determined to do this if you don't get what you need. You are preparing yourself; waiting for your heart to catch up with your head. And it will. Here is what Desert Island Cactus told me about how she handled NC:

 

"When I did NC, I planned it for months in my mind. Finally when something happened that I considered the last straw .. I did a polite communication. I had already readied myself in the spirit - so nothing he could say would make me turn back .. He had the last words. It didn't bother me because I was more than ready to make my escape - and I comfortably proceded forward."

 

Do what works for you. It will work when you are ready, not before. One thing I will suggest is that, to the extent possible, let it be you who initiates it; don't wait for a d-day. I think, (since OW has so little control over what occurs in these relationships) that it's best that she be the one to end it. It must be so much worse when MM ends it like that. Don't let that happen to you.