I am trying to go NC

[lynne76]

I'm just writing to say that my heart goes out to all who are struggling. I am on three weeks (today) of NC and it is so hard sometimes, but we have to keep going and not look back. I'm partially writing this to remind myself, as I am still having times where all I want to do is hear from him, email him, call him....this person was my best friend, my best lover ever, and my biggest love, for the last year of my life and cutting them out of my heart and head has been horrible. But I do it for him, because he deserves a chance to have a good life with his wife and SHE certainly deserves to have him with her 100% now that she's pregnant and needs him so much. We need to take the higher road and just stay away. It's so hard, I know....but please be strong. If not for your ex-MP, then for me? Solidarity in groups, maybe.

[AlaFlower]

Hey...thanks and I hope you will go NC.....it is inevitable. It really is.....read and read here.....we all feel the same crap. Well, except a handful. Day 4 NC....I want to hide....far far away. From everyone. I am so mad I allowed someone who I "thought" I knew to treat me like this. I want to write him and tell him I think he sucks and I regret it all, for wasting almost five months of my life with him in my head. I really dislike him and right now, myself even more.

On a bit of a positive note...this is a milestone...never went past two days before...so I guess that is progress....

 

Flabbergaster....thanks for the comment....I appreciate it.

 

 

Hi MLC, how are you holding up? Is it getting any better? Has he tried to contact you (I hope not!)?

 

I, myself, trying to stick to LC for right now. Down to like 5 messages per day, no phone calls (just listen to voicemails), being very busy with work helps a lot. I miss long chats, but it's easier to be getting withdrawn in steps. Step by step to NC.

[AlaFlower]

I'm just writing to say that my heart goes out to all who are struggling. I am on three weeks (today) of NC and it is so hard sometimes, but we have to keep going and not look back. I'm partially writing this to remind myself, as I am still having times where all I want to do is hear from him, email him, call him....this person was my best friend, my best lover ever, and my biggest love, for the last year of my life and cutting them out of my heart and head has been horrible. But I do it for him, because he deserves a chance to have a good life with his wife and SHE certainly deserves to have him with her 100% now that she's pregnant and needs him so much. We need to take the higher road and just stay away. It's so hard, I know....but please be strong. If not for your ex-MP, then for me? Solidarity in groups, maybe.

 

Lynne, three weeks is a long time. I need to learn from you. Even one day feels like eternity, it takes all the strength to keep going. Hag in there and we are here to help each other. I'm getting closer to go NC again. Final time. Just need to get it right this time...

[AlaFlower]

I was just reading another thread on here and came across one thing someone said: "in a loving relationship you would never have to be afraid of expressing your true feelings" -- even though affairs are not considered to be a "loving relationships" but a "love fog" -- this is something I have never been scared of in this A. I have always been able to communicate my feelings honestly and be open. Sometimes I come out way too strong, but he never got really mad at me - we talk and are able to discuss all the aspects.

I also have to say that I did NOT have it in my marriage. Any time I tried to let H how I really felt he either ignored me by walking away (to a different room, to a computer, etc) or just did NOT reply at all, or was getting irritated right away. I learned how not to talk about my feelings whatsoever, but obviously it didn't work out either way. I still think this is a big deal when people can or can not talk to each other honestly because it may make someone feel uncomfortable, mad, upset, etc and relationship/affair can end because of the honest communication.

[AlaFlower]

Hmm... I guess me wanting to see him again just one more time doesn't really help to go NC faster... I wish we could just see each other and talk in person, but I am also glad we don't live in the same city anymore.

[AlaFlower]

If there is no future and just more pain, why is it so hard to let go?

[Amour7]

If there is no future and just more pain, why is it so hard to let go?

 

Do you really want to know why? There's a lot of psychological theory that could explain it. But more importantly, you need to just accept that the process of letting go IS HARD and there is no good alternative. I'm 10 or 11 days NC and these have been incredibly painful days. However, I also know that the pain of the last week and a half is not greater than the cumulative pain I have experienced for the last two years. I would grieve the impending loss of my MM even when things were "great" between us. I knew it would end, but I couldn't fully grieve because it wasn't over yet. At least now that it's over, I can go through the grieving process and make some movement toward recovering from the damage this relationship has caused me. I was stuck in my pain for a long time. Even when it hurts so badly and I'm crying my eyes out, I don't feel stuck. I wish you didn't have to go through the pain, but you do, sweetie. There's no way around it. A different pain will gnaw at you if you stay and don't break it off. And then you'll still have the pain of having to let go that will come when you have had enough.

 

Sorry if this sounds doom and gloom but even in the thick of heartache, I do not regret trying to move on. If I had stayed, I know I would have regrets, and there would still be pain.

 

Hugs, ala. You can do this.

[AlaFlower]

Do you really want to know why? There's a lot of psychological theory that could explain it. But more importantly, you need to just accept that the process of letting go IS HARD and there is no good alternative. I'm 10 or 11 days NC and these have been incredibly painful days. However, I also know that the pain of the last week and a half is not greater than the cumulative pain I have experienced for the last two years. I would grieve the impending loss of my MM even when things were "great" between us. I knew it would end, but I couldn't fully grieve because it wasn't over yet. At least now that it's over, I can go through the grieving process and make some movement toward recovering from the damage this relationship has caused me. I was stuck in my pain for a long time. Even when it hurts so badly and I'm crying my eyes out, I don't feel stuck. I wish you didn't have to go through the pain, but you do, sweetie. There's no way around it. A different pain will gnaw at you if you stay and don't break it off. And then you'll still have the pain of having to let go that will come when you have had enough.

 

Sorry if this sounds doom and gloom but even in the thick of heartache, I do not regret trying to move on. If I had stayed, I know I would have regrets, and there would still be pain.

 

Hugs, ala. You can do this.

 

You are making a big progress - over 10 days already. I'm still getting mentally ready to let go and still keep the number of texts limited and don't answer phone calls... I feel dead.

[Flabbergaster]

You are making a big progress - over 10 days already. I'm still getting mentally ready to let go and still keep the number of texts limited and don't answer phone calls... I feel dead.

 

Ala, think of how nice it would be to spend an entire day not wondering "will he call or text me in the next five minutes?" all day.

 

Huge hug...I remember what it's like to feel dead. Make another try, because you're not any better off staying like this. Don't wait until you've let go...just get strong enough to try again. Just strive for 7 days, no matter how bad it is. Hey, you can always give up after 7 days if it's worse, right? (after you talk it over here, that is).

 

I'll admit there is still pain in NC...a lot at first...and still times you feel dead. Like amour says...the pain is less than the cumulative pain you face by staying in. The pain of LC is CONSTANT. The pain of NC...it spikes during first 4 days or so...then it goes down. Then you'll have days with little pain. When it spikes up it can still hurt very badly...it's not every day. Then (I'm told...) it becomes 'not every week' and you stop having a constantly broken heart.

Overall...it's less painful than end stage LC was. As much as I want to talk with her...I don't think I would trade places with you. I'm so much better now than when I was in LC.

 

Give it a full week, see how you feel?

[AlaFlower]

Ala, think of how nice it would be to spend an entire day not wondering "will he call or text me in the next five minutes?" all day.

 

Oh my, going back to normal life without a constant rollercoaster would be nice. I barely remember how it is not to wonder "if he calls/texts/etc" It's been over two years and it's changed the mindset or something. Is it even possible to go back to normal someday and not waiting for the phone to ring?

 

Huge hug...I remember what it's like to feel dead. Make another try, because you're not any better off staying like this. Don't wait until you've let go...just get strong enough to try again. Just strive for 7 days, no matter how bad it is. Hey, you can always give up after 7 days if it's worse, right? (after you talk it over here, that is).

 

I know I have to as I am getting more and more frustrated again. Just don't want to sit here and wonder "does he really care, did he ..., why is he... blah-blah-blah." I was trying to let this go before trying to go NC again. But looks like there is no way around it...

 

I'll admit there is still pain in NC...a lot at first...and still times you feel dead. Like amour says...the pain is less than the cumulative pain you face by staying in. The pain of LC is CONSTANT. The pain of NC...it spikes during first 4 days or so...then it goes down. Then you'll have days with little pain. When it spikes up it can still hurt very badly...it's not every day. Then (I'm told...) it becomes 'not every week' and you stop having a constantly broken heart.

Overall...it's less painful than end stage LC was. As much as I want to talk with her...I don't think I would trade places with you. I'm so much better now than when I was in LC.

 

Give it a full week, see how you feel?

 

Hmmm.... So either way there is pain? I wish I knew that before jumping into this mess over two years ago. I read that the average affair lasts two years, so I think I am at that point when it's time for it to die anyway huh?

[lynne76]

I think you just have to grieve these things like you would if you were grieving the death of the MP. I lost my brother three years ago and I would say the pain of losing my MM is, in a weird way, just as hard to bear. I'm not saying that to minimize my brother's death, because of course my relationship with my brother was flesh and blood and life long, and his death has killed me....but it was the MM who brought me back to life last year, and now with him gone, it's like I'm grieving both of them together -- it's the same feeling of absence, the same feeling of bewildering loss and an existential confusion of "why did this happen to me??". I can't make sense of why my brother had to die (he was 33) or why I couldn't have met a decent single man in the last 7 years (the length of time I've been on my own). I tried for SO LONG to meet a single guy and there are SO FEW in my city and it just didn't happen to me. One morning I walk into a room and there is MM and we met and five seconds later I knew all I wanted in the world was him. It completely took me by surprise, I'd never reacted to a man that way before and I wasn't looking for him, and he'd never had a love-affair on his wife or anything....he wasn't expecting it either. And so I have an angst about how the universe works somehow...like, why did his wife get to meet him first? That sort of thing. It's confusing. I'm venting, I'm sorry....it's been a hard week for me and I just wish things could be different. I really really loved this man. I still do. Tomorrow marks one month NC and I know I have to keep going, that his wife is pregnant, that he loves her and wants to be a father so badly....but it is so hard to imagine anything good happening for me love-wise ever again, and definitely hard to imagine living the rest of my life without seeing him again. No contact is tough, but we have no choice....that's how it looks to me.