Pitts Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I have been married for 15 years to a man who I met when he was married to someone else. He started cheating when our child was born about 12 years ago, maybe even before that. He has left and come back several times with promises to change. He was a police officer for many years and I ran the gamut of women showing up at my house, calling my home and work phone and e-mailing me all of their disgusting hurtful facts of their affairs. I kicked him out and he cried to come back, said he wouldn't be able to live without his child and me. I believed in him for a long time. He did move out almost two years ago right after chrismas and was with a woman that made my life hell for three years with their affair. She would make sure I always knew when he was with her and even had sex tapes of them that she kindly gave to me. He claimed he loved her and proceeded to spend time and money wining and dining her, going on trips and left me and my child in the dust. I do have to say he is/was an raving drunk. He would be incoherent and passed out all of the times and when he was awake he was very verbally and mentally abusive. We didn't have sex for years. While he was gone I had gastric bypass and loss alot of weight and began to feel better but never stopped loving him and I never beleived in divorce especially since we have a child. WAhile he was gone he also got involved with yet another woman while he was still with the one he left me for. His drinking , black outs and behavior caught up with him. He was arrested for sexually assulting a girl 30 years younger than him. He was convicted, got probation and lost his job as a cop. He promised to quit drinking, blamed it all on the booze and says he can't remember anything. He begged back, he started AA and has been sober for over a year. (I think). I let him back into the house a couple months after he got arrested. Sorry for the ramble....I just wanted opinions, i have lost family and friends over this. Do you think I'm crazy to give him another (probably his 5th) chance? Do you think the only reason he is heere is because he has no where else to go? No job, who would hire a sex offender? No money. No house. I think , I know that everyone thinks I am a joke. A doormat. What would you have done? In the back of the mind I think everyone is right, he is only here and behaving because I am a last resort, the chump that took him back. The ass who pays for everything in his life while he sits back and laughs at me. Link to post Share on other sites
ComputerJock Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Why don't you believe in divorce, and do you think your child is going to grow up with a loving father image of her dad? I think not, my mom was like your husband and I will always hate her. Quite think about yourself, poor you, get off your ass and think about your kid. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pitts Posted March 26, 2011 Author Share Posted March 26, 2011 I really don't believe in divorce-but we don't have a marriage either. He won't get a "menial" job. he thinks he is above it. he is banking on a high paying job, preferbably in the off shore industry. Number one, he already had that job lined up--until they found out about his criminal background. Number two, because of his probabtion he can't leve the state, although, he hopes that he would be given "special permission" from the judge. He also is involved in a personal injury lawsuit he is banking on for money. In the meantime, he stays home while I am on my feet all day. But at least he is at home. I know where he is all day. He also is ashamed to show his face because his arrest and trial made the news. I do keep thinking of the good times, 15 years is a long time. He never did go to prison...he only got probabtion. He was moved out a total of one year. He of course says the whole thing was a mistake and he left because of the booze. he was here everday during that time (except when he was on vacation with his girlfriends). I let him here to visit his child, do his laundry, hell even get ready to go out with her. I do worry about the example I set for my daughter. I always have it in the back of my mind that I am second choice, the idiot who supports him because at this time no one wants him. when he was a cop he thought he was god. Now the mighty have fallen, and I am here picking up the pieces. Have to get up at 5:00 to go to work while he sleeps in and surfs the internet Link to post Share on other sites
Carrot2000 Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 Sorry for the ramble....I just wanted opinions, i have lost family and friends over this. You're willing to lose the support of those who love and support you to keep someone around who does neither. Sorry, but it doesn't sound like your husband has much respect for you. Do you think I'm crazy to give him another (probably his 5th) chance? Yes, I think you're crazy to give him a 5th chance. Next time, he may be bringing an STD with him upon his return. As the saying goes, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice (or 5x), shame on me. Do you think the only reason he is heere is because he has no where else to go? No job, who would hire a sex offender? No money. No house. Umm, he's a drunk sex offender; where else do you think he's going to go? He came back to you because he knew you'd accept him and his $hit. Pitts, your husband has hit rock bottom and he doesn't even know it. He ain't changed a bit and he doesn't have to because you don't require anything of him--not respect, not fidelity, nothing. This situation is sooo much bigger than you, what you want, and your beliefs about divorce. Don't allow him to drag you and your child down with him; by staying with him you're teaching your kid to be a doormat. Get him out of your house and get yourself into counseling so you can figure out why you would tolerate such treatment for so long. Link to post Share on other sites
Woman In Blue Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 Oh gee - yet ANOTHER cop whose a whore? Big shocker THERE. I don't know ONE cop who isn't, and that's why I won't waste my time dating those worthless losers. So your prize was not only a cheating, lying, low down snake, but a drunk and a sex offender who likes to play with little girls, too? Gosh, you hit the jackpot, Pitts! You lucky girl, you! I do find it oddly amusing that you claim you "never believed in divorce" yet you had no problems screwing around with this guy when he was married. You said you "met him" when he was still married, so I'm going to assume you were just another one in this pig's long line of willing badge bunnies. You ask if we think you're a floor mat and an idiot for letting this low life back in the house? You betcha I do. I'm not going to sugarcoat it and pat you on the back and sympathize with you for acting stupid and desperate. Ain't happening. Do you REALLY need a so-called "man" THAT bad that you'll let this piece of trash back in your life? You quit being a "victim" and became a "volunteer" a LONG time ago. Go ahead and stay with this worthless loser who thinks he's too damned good to get a job at K-Mart even though it was HIS pig behavior that got him where he is today. He's a typical a*sshole cop and nothing more. Good luck with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Ballerfamily Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 I'm sorry, but why do you even have to ask? Seriously? I don't feel sorry for you at all. You think its noble of yourself to allow this kind of man around your daughter? OMG Most LS'ers won't respond to this? many are willing to forgive (1) time, but (5)...... and you can triple that most likely..... And anyone with alittle self-respect, wouldn't allow a low-life like him with a great paying job.......absolute loser, and I think you may be a bigger one:( Link to post Share on other sites
oldguy Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 (edited) The definition of insanity is repeating the same actions over & over again while expecting a different outcome. What motivation factors did he have to change? What long term, conclusive evidence do you have that he did change? Kick him to the curb. Edited March 26, 2011 by oldguy Link to post Share on other sites
2010_Sorry Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Pitts, The question that you pose is so difficult for any of us to answer because we don't know everything about your situation. Only YOU and YOUR HUSBAND know what goes on between closed doors, how you feel about him, how he feels about you... etc. Now, this may come off as if am a proponent of staying in a miserable marriage, but that is NOT the case. Your husband has done some absolutely terrible things to you and your child, most of which are UNFORGIVEABLE for most! Each of us handles stress and betrayal differently. I believe that there are two types of cheaters. Those that cheat over and over again... they blame issues in their own relationships and never look inwardly to recognize the problem is with themselves. Avoid these people at all cost!!! The others are those recognize what they have done and experience all emotions (regret and guilt) from their actions. They learn from their action and recognize triggers in their next relationships so this will never happen again. The latter type of cheater typically needs a MAJOR event to occur in their lives to recognize what they have done. They also need ample time to DEAL with their guilt and emotion before trying a "quick fix" to reconcile the broken relationship. I cannot tell from your comments which of the two your husband is, but there is a possibility that his arrest and loss of his job was enough of a wake up call to stop. He needs time to deal with the gravity of his decisions and the consequences of his actions without having your open arms to return to. With that being said, YOU have to decide if this is something that you want to and are ready to deal with. Maybe he can heal and work on a happier, healthier relationship with someone else.... maybe you can agree to give him another chance and he will start this all over again and hurt you and your child, again.... maybe you will give him another chance and you will have the strongest, healthiest relationship ever. There is risk involved either way you go... You can't worry about your friends and family... only YOU can make this decision. You have to do what is best for you and your child. PERIOD. Everyone else will eventually come around and support you in time. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
lizwashere Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 (edited) Pitts, I'll be blunt, how dare you expose your child to this horrible excuse for a man who is a perennial cheater and a sex offender? This man cares nothing about you or your child and is blatantly using you. I can assure you that the minute he gets back on his feet he will dump you for someone else. Drop him immediately and start working on rebuilding the relationships you've poisened as a result of your poor decision making. Edited March 28, 2011 by lizwashere Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pitts Posted April 2, 2011 Author Share Posted April 2, 2011 2010 sorry, I think you come the closest to anyone about my feelings. Everyone here has been so harsh I almost dissappeared from posting, but then I thought, I have dissappeared from so much in my life--why should I banish myself from an anonomyous board full of people that would ever know me??? Why should I keep letting my husbands crimes against myself affect another part of my life/?? I don't know what kind of man he will turn out to be. It does seem that he hit rock bottom after his arrest and job loss. It seems like he does understand in some parts the gravity of his actions and wants to be here with us. I just don't think he ever would have become the person he is today if he didn't get drunk enough to commit a crime and get caught. I don't know nor will I ever know if he did the same things before and just did not get caught before. My fear is that he is only acting remourseful and wanting to be with me because there is nothing else left for him. BUT at the same time, I want to believe that what happened to him opened his eyes and made him see how great we are and what he would be missing if he wasn't here. I loved him for a long time ,before all of this, before our child, I loved him. Maybe this is what it took to bring our love full circle. Maybe this was the wakeup call he needed. Because he still blames everyone and everything else on his downfall maybe he resents his life. He still doesn't take responsibility. That is where the crux of the problem lies. If he would just admit to the wrongdoing and take full blame, without blaming his whores or the booze or his co workers. If he would just say for once he made the choices he is the screw up, I wouldn't be here questioning his commitment. I think his lack of responsibility is what makes me question everything. I like to drink too, but I never would blame the wine if I had sex with another man and/or committed a crime under the influence. Does he love me? Or is he just wanting the comfort of home? Link to post Share on other sites
lizwashere Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 I'm baffled by your ongoing delusion regarding this horrible man. You've already stated that he's completely unrepentant and blames everyone, even the victim of his sexual assault, for his problems and yet you keep going on and on about this fantasy that he'll suddenly wake up and become Mr. Perfect husband and father. Have you thought about what his attitude and his presence in your home is doing to your child? You are indeed a doormat and a chump and he is only using you because otherwise he would be homeless. Link to post Share on other sites
summerdowling87 Posted April 3, 2011 Share Posted April 3, 2011 Can I ask what will you do if he doesn't own up to the things that he has done. To you and your child what if he will not get any sort of help or try and recover from his issues?. Are you going stay with him being with someone should be 50/50 it seems like your giving. 80/20 or 90/10. What if he cheats again just becuse he's stuck at home doesn't mean he can't. I was just wondering what will you do.? Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted April 3, 2011 Share Posted April 3, 2011 I think you have to stay with him because he is your Husband. Deep down he has loved you all along. Does that sound right to you? Nah, he is resting up where he knows he does not have to take responsibility for himself because you will do that for him. Help whoever he abused, not him. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
Tizzy Posted April 3, 2011 Share Posted April 3, 2011 Pitts, this is just heartbreaking. Please Google "Love Addiction" and read every single thing that pops up. You are a Love Addict. I know it sounds like some cheesy movie or something but it is real, just like an alcohol or drug addiction. You are addicted to this relationship with this man. You are feeding off a the few good times you had with him and banking on a fantasy future that will never come to fruition. Just like a drrug addict, your body literally gets a high from all the drama you go thru with him. This is not healthy, You have to get away from him and get help. Read "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. Order it ASAP and get it rush delivery. You are likely repeating a pattern experienced in your childhood and are subconsciously trying to "fix" what happened to you as a kid in your marriage to this monster. Pitts, please if not for your own sake, at least for the sake of your child, please leave this man alone. DIVORCE HIM, LEAVE HIM and DO NOT LOOK BACK. Do not look back. You have to leave him. He will continue doing the same things he has done all these years. He is with you now b/c he simply has nowhere else to go. THAT IS HIS PROBLEM. Let him figure the **** out on his own. He does not care about you and you have to stop caring about him. He is only your husband on paper. He broke the vows a loooonnng time ago. You have no self-respect and no self-esteem right now. That can be worked on. Work on making yourself a better person. Get into therapy if you can. Attend Al Anon. Start working a 12-Step program. You are using your marriage to block out something you need to deal with within yourself. Don't be afraid to explore what has you thinking such a horrible disrespectful neglectful marriage is okay. My heart goes out to you Pitts. I hope you will see the light and make a better, healthier life for yourself and your child. You can do it. Link to post Share on other sites
fltc Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 Pitts, in addition to all the other advice (good and bad) you must remember that alcohol is not an excuse. Alcohol only releases inhibitions, it does not make someone do anything. Summary: Being drunk only lets someone do what they WANTED TO DO but were afraid to do sober. Don't forget that when you make your decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pitts Posted April 4, 2011 Author Share Posted April 4, 2011 I hear every single response, please don't think I don't. I am weighing everything. Bottom line, If I leave I lose the house, if he leaves he is homeless. He has no family No where to go. No job, he would be literally homeless. All the women he cheeated with and wanted to live with and marry have disappeared. He would be on the street. I don't think I can have my childs father on the street. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 I hear every single response, please don't think I don't. I am weighing everything. Bottom line, If I leave I lose the house, if he leaves he is homeless. He has no family No where to go. No job, he would be literally homeless. All the women he cheeated with and wanted to live with and marry have disappeared. He would be on the street. I don't think I can have my childs father on the street. 1. Do not think that I don't have empathy for you because I do but I will tell I put my child's father's ass on the street for less and I absolutely do not regret it. You putting his ass on the street isn't your choice as much as it is a result of his own choices. Give him a backpack and a marker for cardboard signs if you want to help him out. At least then he would be making some money. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 Pitts I think you have to think seriously about the life you are creating for your child. Not what you hope for. Not how you think things MIGHT be in the future. But the life you are creating for your child right now. Your husband has a lot of problems. You can't solve them. AND he doesn't want to do the heavy lifting required to solve them. This is your life. This is your children's life. It will never be different than it is right now if you don't start making different choices. My father was a drug addict Pitts. He was also a serial cheater. As a child I saw my father high and because he was high I saw things that NO child should ever see. Especially not from a parent. Because he was a serial cheater there was constant fights and drama due to the OW who sometimes showed up at our house. There were bushes with the law. There were money troubles (addicts tend to steal to support the habit. Dad stole mainly from Mom). My mother eventually left and raised me and my brother by herself. It was the absolute best thing she ever did for us. It let us know that it is absolutely NOT ok to live that way. Pitts, I fear that you are doing your children a grave disservice by keeping this man in your home. Your children will grow up thinking that the kind of chaos he brings into your life is normal. And it will be the same kind of normal they seek out in their adult relationships. You are not responsible for your husband. You ARE responsible for your children. Kick him out. I will be willing to bet he figures out a way to land on his feet. But even if he doesn't, You protecting him from the consequences of his actions is helping him to maintain an addictive mindset. You aren't helping him Pitts. Not in any sustainable, long term way. Deep down, I think you know this. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted April 6, 2011 Share Posted April 6, 2011 you how was his sexual assult victim? Link to post Share on other sites
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