Pitts Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I have been married for 15 years to a man who I met when he was married to someone else. He started cheating when our child was born about 12 years ago, maybe even before that. He has left and come back several times with promises to change. He was a police officer for many years and I ran the gamut of women showing up at my house, calling my home and work phone and e-mailing me all of their disgusting hurtful facts of their affairs. I kicked him out and he cried to come back, said he wouldn't be able to live without his child and me. I believed in him for a long time. He did move out almost two years ago right after chrismas and was with a woman that made my life hell for three years with their affair. She would make sure I always knew when he was with her and even had sex tapes of them that she kindly gave to me. He claimed he loved her and proceeded to spend time and money wining and dining her, going on trips and left me and my child in the dust. I do have to say he is/was an raving drunk. He would be incoherent and passed out all of the times and when he was awake he was very verbally and mentally abusive. We didn't have sex for years. While he was gone I had gastric bypass and loss alot of weight and began to feel better but never stopped loving him and I never beleived in divorce especially since we have a child. WAhile he was gone he also got involved with yet another woman while he was still with the one he left me for. His drinking , black outs and behavior caught up with him. He was arrested for sexually assulting a girl 30 years younger than him. He was convicted, got probation and lost his job as a cop. He promised to quit drinking, blamed it all on the booze and says he can't remember anything. He begged back, he started AA and has been sober for over a year. (I think). I let him back into the house a couple months after he got arrested. Sorry for the ramble....I just wanted opinions, i have lost family and friends over this. Do you think I'm crazy to give him another (probably his 5th) chance? Do you think the only reason he is heere is because he has no where else to go? No job, who would hire a sex offender? No money. No house. I think , I know that everyone thinks I am a joke. A doormat. What would you have done? In the back of the mind I think everyone is right, he is only here and behaving because I am a last resort, the chump that took him back. The ass who pays for everything in his life while he sits back and laughs at me. Plus I heard people commenting on how awful I am for having him home with our child. Link to post Share on other sites
rachel7475 Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Where is he going to work? Is he getting any income at all or are you supporting him now? How old is your child? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Also, see this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t270534/ IMO, your H is a pretty gifted social creature, as evidenced by his history. Marital partner? Hmm... Have you spoken with his AA sponsor? The choices you make in life and their consequences are yours. Passing judgment on them doesn't change that. My litmus test is whether life is healthier and more fulfilling with this person in it, accepting that each of is flawed and imperfect. Where does the balance strike a healthy point for you? Unknown. TBH, if you want to stay in this and give it your best/last shot, I'd suggest Al-Anon and/or IC. Within, you can learn tools to improve yourself and to cope with the inevitable imperfections of his recovery or of the ending of your M, whichever path is walked. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pitts Posted March 26, 2011 Author Share Posted March 26, 2011 I have spoke to his friends and probation officer. I really don't believe in divorce-but we don't have a marriage either. He won't get a "menial" job. he thinks he is above it. he is banking on a high paying job, preferbably in the off shore industry. Number one, he already had that job lined up--until they found out about his criminal background. Number two, because of his probabtion he can't leve the state, although, he hopes that he would be given "special permission" from the judge. He also is involved in a personal injury lawsuit he is banking on for money. In the meantime, he stays home while I am on my feet all day. But at least he is at home. I know where he is all day. He also is ashamed to show his face because his arrest and trial made the news. I do keep thinking of the good times, 15 years is a long time. He never did go to prison...he only got probabtion. He was moved out a total of one year. He of course says the whole thing was a mistake and he left because of the booze. he was here everday during that time (except when he was on vacation with his girlfriends). I let him here to visit his child, do his laundry, hell even get ready to go out with her. I do worry about the example I set for my daughter. I always have it in the back of my mind that I am second choice, the idiot who supports him because at this time no one wants him. when he was a cop he thought he was god. Now the mighty have fallen, and I am here picking up the pieces. Have to get up at 5:00 to go to work while he sleeps in and surfs the internet Link to post Share on other sites
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