Engaged, in love but problems

[Unidi]

I am a very traditional/private man and don't like to talk about my problems but I need to get it off my chest which I find hard to do. I am with my fiance now for about 2 years, we are recently engaged and will be married in a little over a year. There are issues though, we both know they exist and have talked about them but I feel a need to bring it up further as, while things have improved, they still need to improve more.

 

First a little background on us. I am 27 and she is 25, she is the first long term relationship I have had, she has had a number of them. I had girlfriends on and off from my late teens till about two year before meeting her but I always ended them quickly because I didn't feel the connection or I wasn't interested at all. I do not believe in leading people on, I never even kissed a girl until her because I wanted even that to be special, it made for some real ackward dates when I would go out with a girl more than once but still was't sure. To sum it up, I am very different.

 

She has had a few long term relationships, one of which she was cheated on and that set her dating back a bit. She had been through a lot of things but says she didn't really know love until she met me, I believe this as I trust her 100%. She also had issues with bad parents who still pretty much ignore her. Her mother told her she would never get married because no one would want her when she was 12... Needless to say she has self esteem issues which I always try to boost and it slowly chips away at her, I have the oposite problem where I think I'm great ;p

 

We have been living together for over a year, she has been many of the things I always hoped for in a woman and I believe I have met similar desires in her. I love her a lot and it is not so hard for me to subtly show this infront of family which for me, is a huge thing.

 

Now the issues, essentially she is very clingy. It's not as big an issue for me as it may be for others as I am a computer jockey, I hate going out and I don't drink but it is still an issue. I have a hobby which requires me to be gone over night 4-5 times per year, she hates this and get very upset when I go to the point I have only gone a couple times since meeting her. She also demands I spend almost every second of free time I have with her. She will complain that "I thought we were going to have quality time" if I want to read about something or play a game. I have been out with one friend to see a movie since we got together and that was a real problem to go out and do, she made me feel guilty after that she had nothing to do while I was out. When she's working and I am home she has claimed to have found hairs in our place, she always says she's not accusing me of cheating but that it's just "odd" (I have never seen these hairs).

 

I also have known for sometime she checks my email now and again, lately, I have noticed she checks it at least once per day. I have talked to her about the other things but not this yet, I just don't know how. She also stalks girls I work with on facebook and is convinced they are hitting on me, she usually wants to know when and what I've talked with them about as well.

 

In arguments she is always very mad and sometimes I have to ask her to keep it down, I do not yell or show anger which also makes her upset. Many of our arguments I find very minor but she will want to go over them again and agin for hours sometimes, usually on nights when I have to be up early, I have told her this is unacceptable but it continues to happen. When I have a problem with her it is similar, I put it behind me in 10 minutes or so but she will want to bring it up again, sometimes making me think hard to remember the details of why I was upset.

 

She also gets mad at me if I'm 5-10 minutes late from something, always wants timings of how long I'll be gone when I go somewhere and wants to know every detail of my day and more often than not questions why certain things took me as long as they did. She says she trusts me but that her mind goes over the what if's and it drives her mad. She also says she wants to go over problems so much in case something is wrong and she couldn't stand to lose me; I have told her it is this very thing that will cause her to lose me.

 

She is reading a lot of self help books at present and joining toast master to get some more social skills on my encouragement. Should I wait a little longer or should I have a more serious talk with her? So far I have told her the trust issues hurt me because I know I wouldn't even cheat on someone I didn't love as long as I was in a relationship with them, I have too much respect for others and myself to cheat, I have very high self control in many aspects of life. I want to work this out but it must be dealt with, I am willing to do the work though and she is as well.

 

Sorry for all the information, I just started typing and it came out, I have a secondary email now for this forum so she won't read it. I am very greatful for a method to discuss this, a few people have noticed these things and told me to be careful and have my own life along with many compliments about her as well. Don't take this to mean I am misserable either, I am not, she's very lucky I am not that outgoing but for the few times I am or the times I want to do something on my own, it is very annoying.

 

Thanks again for any thoughts, comments or just for reading!

[uncool]

yeah she is a little on the impatient side if she gets pissed if you're 5-10 minutes late. You need to let her know that you're a man and that you're in the lead.

 

I want you to understand that the opposite problem is just as bad if not worse. Meaning that I'm married to a woman that doesn't have the slightest bit of cling at all. She doesn't care where I go or when I get back. She doesn't miss me. She doesn't want to ever be by me. She doesn't ever text or call me. She hates going out w/me etc.

I feel like I was just used as a stud service for her to get her children ... with whom she loves spending time with. Just a father figure for her offspring. Don't get me wrong ... I love my wonderful kids

 

So I'm a little envious of what you have. It's a real treasure to be with somebody who wants to be with you.

 

grass is always greener on the other side I guess.

[Eddie Edirol]

You have to have a talk with her and get deep into why she cheated on her ex, and then find out why she is so insecure with you. She is insecure for a reason and is getting addicted to it, which will only get worse because she refuses to control it. You could be doing something to make her insecure, you have to find out what that is. Ask her straight up.

[Unidi]

Thanks for the replies, she was cheated on, she didn't cheat nor do I believe she ever would. We have talked about the causes and she says she can't explain it, she says she believes one thing but her brain keeps saying what if and it causes her to stress out about it...

 

uncool, that sounds not too fun. I do count myself lucky not to have the oposite end of the pole, especially if I felt deeply and she were to feel nothing. Sometimes I do enjoy the me time though instead of being smothered by affection....relationships

[SummersEve]

I would go to marriage counseling with her (you don't have to be married to go). How can the two of you fix something you don't even understand?

 

I feel for you and also for her. That must be awful to be filled with worry all the time that you are going to leave her when there's not even any reason. I do not think any amount of this inappropriate monitoring or snooping will ever be enough to satisfy her fears. It needs professional treatment in my opinion. I would not be surprised if it could be done in just a few sessions. Surely they have seen it many times before.

 

Also it's possible the counselor will refer her to a doctor for medication. It sounds like she has quite a bit of anxiety and has no idea why. And it has all landed on you. There is no reason for either of you to have to live like that. Good luck.

Edited March 28, 2011 by SummersEve