Is there any hope for us??

[losingatlove]

I'm engaged to a woman, I'll call her "M" going forward. I truly love M and I'm willing to try anything to mend our relationship. Right now I am totally unhappy and resentful. I've known M since '95 and we've been in a committed relationship since 2000. We're both in our mid 30's and have no kids.

 

Everything was great until Oct. '06. That was the month when my career took a nose dive. I lost my job and tried relentlessly to find another to no avail. In Nov. '06 I was carjacked (when it rains it pours), I wasn't hurt physically but took a hit psychologically, these two events sent me into a tailspin.

 

For the next couple of months, I could barely get off the couch. It was apparent that I was having a hard time coping. M suggested I seek counseling but I shunned the idea. Counseling and therapy isn't how I roll. I was confident that I could pull myself out of it. This was the toughest thing I've ever had to deal with.

 

But during this time M would get mad at me and call me a loser. So much so that for a while I thought my name was "Loser". She told me several times that it was my fault that I was carjacked.

 

Understand that I held her opinion of me in the highest regards and hearing her spew this venom at me hurt worse than losing my job and being carjacked at gunpoint. Sure she'd apologize about it but after the umpteenth time it didn't matter. At this point I already have issues now I'm cutting myself off emotionally to prevent myself from getting hurt again.

 

Anyways, I eventually decided put my talents to work and started a business. I figured M would see this for the positive that it was but I couldn't be that lucky. But at least she's now not telling me I'm a loser.

 

She's not happy that I'm finally getting back to normal and doing something positive. Of course not, now she's enraged because I didn't sit down and have a talk with her about starting the business. She's mad because she didn't have any input. She mad at me for making the decision to just do it.

 

She gave me such a hard time about it that one day I said f*** it. I started boozin heavy and was rarely home. I'm back to hearing I'm a loser but with a twist. Now I'm a piece of **** too. The woman I love is telling me that I'm a piece of ****.

 

The more she lashed out, the more I drank. We'd have an argument and she would reach down deep to find the most hateful words she could find. I never retaliated in fact the extent of my retaliation was calling her a bitch.

 

Anyways, in '08 I was irresponsible ended up getting a DUI. After an 18 month court battle I end up having to serve a 60 day sentence. As bad as it sounds I needed it. It sucked but I emerged in a better space than I had been in since '06.

 

Now it's 2010 I'm clear headed, focused and have a new business idea. Our relationship is going well. I'm thinking the worst of times are behind us and were moving on. Until we had an argument.

 

M goes out and gets totally smashed. She comes home and I'm a loser again, I'm a piece of ****, my friends are losers - you get the point. This night though M physically attacked. All I did was defend myself. And in the process I severely sprained a finger.

 

The next day she apologized blamed in on pent up anger and alcohol. I figured I deserved it, after all, I did put her through several years of hell. I get back to building my business and we purchase a new house.

 

We're moving into a new house and you would think that these are happy times. They are for M but I am apprehensive and anxious because we wanted the homebuyer tax credit so I'm not on the loan or the deed. I can see potential for disaster.

 

We move, things are good, my business is growing and then...we have our first fight. I'm back to being a loser and a piece of ****. But now she's screaming at me about how this is her house. Get out! I refuse to leave and she's threatening me with the police. It gets physical, she's hitting me, grabbing me and pushing me. I wake up the next morning and my back is killing me. I could barely bend over to tie my shoes for a month. To this day certain activities still cause me pain.

 

I guess I should have mentioned that as my career went south M's career was starting to take off. I work from home and put in an intense 8+ hours a day. There's no doubt in my mind that I'm working harder than her. But she expects me to do everything around the and I mean everything. She doesn't cook, clean and sex is non-existent.

 

One day I asked her if she could load the dishwasher and she gave me such an attitude. It's when I realized, this girl thinks she's better than me. I was taken aback.

 

So I asked her about it and low and behold. She told me flat out that she thinks she's better than me. Which makes perfect sense. It gave me some insight on the mistreatment I've endured. What a huge kick in the jewels - you know? As it turns out, a lot of these issues are because her success has went to her head.

 

I'm so resentful, which makes me vindictive. She's always mad because I don't listen and I don't care about her feelings and you don't talk to me anymore. I try to tell her why but she just doesn't get it.

 

How do I get past the resentment I harbor? At this point, is the relationship salvageable? Most importantly, how do I get her to work on her issues? How do we talk about these things without it becoming a finger pointing contest?

 

Sorry for making this such a long post. I'm venting and at the same time I'm searching for suggestions on how to revive our relationship. I think the length of this post is indicative of how badly I want M and I to be happy again. If you made it this far I appreciate you taking the time to read it.

 

 

Thanks!

...too tired to proofread

[Kivu]

Funny because I can see some parallels between your relationship and my relationship.

 

I think when you lost your job and got depressed, she decided in her own head that she was better than you and you were a lazy slob. It sounds like she hasn't changed her mind since then, and I think the DUI didn't help, and certainly her own success has also fueled it.

 

My husband sees the fact that I didn't pass the bar on the first go, and the fact that sometimes I struggle to find employment for a month or so (I work temporary jobs), plus the fact he's doing extremely well in his career, altogether meaning that I am not as smart as he is, am lazy, and not as good as him.

 

I don't have a solution...you're just not the only one :/

[sunshinegirl]

How do I get past the resentment I harbor? At this point, is the relationship salvageable? Most importantly, how do I get her to work on her issues? How do we talk about these things without it becoming a finger pointing contest?

 

You can't get her to do anything; no one can "make" anyone else work on their issues. The best you can do is work on yourself; I'd consider with starting by asking yourself why you are willing to accept verbally and physically abusive behavior.

 

IMHO, I can't see why you would WANT to salvage this relationship, other than it's old and familiar and maybe you are scared of anything new (even if that something new could make you much, much, MUCH happier).

[xxoo]

Your story shows an escalating pattern of abuse....first emotional, and progressing to physical. There are "honeymoon periods" (there usually are), but the abusive pattern is unlikely to change.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm searching for suggestions on how to revive our relationship. I think the length of this post is indicative of how badly I want M and I to be happy again.

 

I can't give you what you want. I can't in good faith give you advice concerning reamining in this relationship at all.

 

You are engaged to a seriously mean, disturbed individual who verbally and physically abuses you. She has absolutely no respect for you, and you don't respect yourself enough, at this point, to get out. You are not going to change her. There is nothing you can do to change her into a tolerable human being. She might make those changes herself, but the likelihood is slim. In any case there's no reason for you to be her punching bag, both literally and figuratively, while you're waiting for her to change. She could have broken things off with you, but didn't. My guess as to why is that she ENJOYS treating you like crap.

 

You might be tempted at this point to defend her and to point out her good qualities. That would be admirable and natural on your part, but save your breath. Even Hitler liked puppies. The fact is that this is a horribly unhealthy relationship, and it's eventually going to kill your ass. Emotionally, mentally, and hell, maybe even physically. I'm not one to jump to the conclusion of "kicking the bitch to the curb". I've been married for 27 years and am all for doing the hard work of making a relationship successful. This ain't one of those cases where any hard work on your part is going to matter.

 

Don't worry about saving her or the relationship. Save yourself. Respect yourself enough to know that you deserve a hell of alot better than this.

[seibert253]

She clearly has NO respect for you.

Ray Charles can see that.

I cannot figure out why you continue to put up with this.

You deserve better.

 

He's my .02: Leave and be happy.