NC Results?

[1784]

I've been reading and participating on these forums for a little while now and I'm sort of confused about one thing...

 

Everyone preaches No Contact. Some people say it's for personal healing, others say it can help you get your ex back and most seem to agree that it can be a combination of the two. But all I see is people hurting, going NC and writing posts on LS. I mean, does NC really work!?!

 

I've been NC for nearly a month now with my ex. Obviously this isn't "long enough" and I have every intention of sticking to it. I DO see that ultimately I have to heal and make myself happy. I get that, I really do. But nearly every post mentions NC and I don't see so many threads saying "IT WORKED". I'm not asking for a fairy tale ending here. I'm just asking to see how many of you have gotten the option for SOME Kind of reconciliation with your ex. I'm at the point where, while I know I'm in no state TO reconcile I would like to know I could have the option. I would love to be able to make the decision knowing that it's all in the realm of possibility. And I'd like to know that NC is a real must. I don't want to think back and be like "Man, I should have contacted her while I was still the man in the forefront of her mind".

 

I've just been going through so many confusing days that I think I need you guys to give me a bit of a slap of reality here. It's the end of my email and I don't even know what I'm trying to say/ask anymore - lol.

 

Anyway, that's it. Thanks in advance for your responses. This place, while dangerously addictive, has been a really nice find. I wish the best for all of you. I really do. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

[FreeNow]

Well, NC just makes sense. If the dumper is all that interested in the dumpee then naturally, by cutting off the supply of dumpee, it would give the dumper reason to pause and question their own actions. If, however, the dumper isn't all that interested in the dumpee anyway, then the dumpee would simply need to heal and move on anyway. Common sense for those in extreme emotional turmoil.

 

IMHO, less posts about NC helping to re-establish the relationship is probably due to reconciled dumpees not being as motivated to post once the object of their desire re-enters the picture.

[USMCHokie]

Everyone preaches No Contact. Some people say it's for personal healing, others say it can help you get your ex back and most seem to agree that it can be a combination of the two. But all I see is people hurting, going NC and writing posts on LS. I mean, does NC really work!?!

 

Yes, it works. The reason you only see the hurting on LS is because many of those who do finally heal generally leave LS as they no longer find the need for the support system. However, a few decide to stay, myself included.

 

I've been NC for nearly a month now with my ex. Obviously this isn't "long enough"...

 

That is correct.

 

But nearly every post mentions NC and I don't see so many threads saying "IT WORKED".

 

Because most people who post threads here haven't been in NC long enough.

 

I'm not asking for a fairy tale ending here. I'm just asking to see how many of you have gotten the option for SOME Kind of reconciliation with your ex.

 

I got my fairy tale ending. I got over her and moved on. At that point, I didn't want a reconciliation with the ex.

 

And I'd like to know that NC is a real must.

 

It is.

 

I don't want to think back and be like "Man, I should have contacted her while I was still the man in the forefront of her mind".

 

When you think back, you'll instead be saying to yourself, "Man, I'm glad I let her go, because I found this new amazing girl who's ten times better."

[PegNosePete]

NOTHING can "get your ex back", except your ex. So no, NC will never "work" if that is your goal. There is nothing you can do to get your ex back. If they want to come back then they will. That's all.

 

So, why NC? Well, it's win-win.

 

If your ex does come back then you want to be in a good position to accept them back. You want to be strong and stable and mature. Then if they do come back, they will want to stay. If you're a gibbering wreck of jelly and emotion then even if they do come back, they'll just leave straight away.

 

And if they don't come back, then you'll be in the best place you can be. You'll get over them more quickly and painlessly. And you'll be in the best state for finding someone new.

 

So, win-win. Any questions?

[1784]

So basically I'm really not letting go 100% even though it'll be a month of NC on the 28th, eh? What can I say, I WOULD like the possibility of a reconciliation. I stress 'possibility'. Ijust want to make sure I do everything I can to ensure that this is an option. I realize it may not happen but I'd like to know I did what I could. That's all. I don't want any regrets.

 

USMCHokie - was your fairy tale ending with your ex or with someone new?

[FreeNow]

I got my fairy tale ending. I got over her and moved on. At that point, I didn't want a reconciliation with the ex.

 

I've never read it described better. Spot on!

[PegNosePete]

I got my fairy tale ending. I got over her and moved on. At that point, I didn't want a reconciliation with the ex.

Yep same here, NC worked for me, I am a happily divorced man and loving life

[USMCHokie]

USMCHokie - was your fairy tale ending with your ex or with someone new?

 

It was with no one. Me being over the ex and accepting that she'd never be part of my life again was fairy tale enough for me.

 

Although I just started dating someone a few weeks ago and things are looking good...

[1784]

I know it's imperative to move on. 100%. No questions asked. And I know I'm not doing that. I've reserved myself to the fact that I will not contact her and I've done a very good job of that. She actually contacted a mutual friend 2 days ago asking him how I was, if he had heard from me, etc. I know this is nothing more than pure curiosity on her part and I have no intention of doing anything about it. I'm dead set on NC.

 

That's it, though? That's all I do? There isn't anything else I can do to ensure the possibility of reconciliation? Like I said, I'd just like the option. Call it what you will. It's probably an ego trip (or lack thereof) on my part. I just want to feel like I have options instead of HAVING to deal with only one option - which is to walk away forever. we dated 3+ years and there was A LOT of good. I'm not 100% sure that I want to just say goodbye forever. This is so hard.

[whyowhy]

I've been reading LS to death trying to figure out what is going on with my current GF. I've gotten tons of advice and it all says the same thing. I don't think you will read too many first hand accounts on here though because I really think people who get their ex back don't value posting as much as maybe they did when they were going through a breakup because they don't need it anymore.

 

My current GF's ex and broke up 10 months ago or so. Right after their breakup we got together. It was a whirlwind relationship. It was amazing. Guess what her ex did though? He dropped off the face of the earth. I thought it was great that he went away. It was a big greenlight for me to proceed. When they broke up (he dumped her not because he wanted to but rather had to) she was heartbroken. Then she met me. Put it this way, I have realized that she kinda got away from him and toward me because she suffered from G.I.G.S....Well now guess what?????? I recently have discovered that she's been in contact with him. It's not just any contact either-it's very specific. Really if you want a success story read my one and only tread...It shows the power of NC and this guy played it to a tee unfortunately!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[PegNosePete]

Yep thats all you do dude.

 

I just want to feel like I have options instead of HAVING to deal with only one option

You do have options. You can prolong your pain if you like. You can make it more and more difficult for yourself to move on. You can make yourself miserable every day for the rest of your life if you want. You can wallow in self-pity and reject all other human companionship. Personally, I'd go for plan (a) !!

[TryTryAgain]

My ex has broken up with me twice. So, I'm probably not the best example. With that being said, I went NC both times and she has come back to reconcile both times. The first time was NC for a month when she reached out. The second time was NC for nearly 8 months (okay, I reached out once during that time with an innocent "how are things?" email). Ultimately she came back for reconciliation after about 10 months.

 

The first time I instilled NC I truly was hoping it would work to get her back. It did. I was amazed. The second time was for me to heal. I never in a million years thought she would come back. When I reached out to her 8 months or so after our last breakup, I did it out of desperation. I was as much of a wreck then as I was after the initial breakup. I convinced myself that I was prepared for anything at that point. A few more months of NC went by when she reached out. It was just a text message on Thanksgiving that I should have ignored, but didn't. Just small talk, mind you. Then she reached out again a month later asking if I ever wanted to get together. We reconciled again only for her to leave me a month later.

 

So, I do know that NC can work to get your ex back. My first experience was strict NC. My second go around was probably more like LC, but stretched over a long period of time (almost a year). The point is, I have not healed. I interrupted my own healing by reaching out to her after those 8 gruelling months of NC. Sure, I got another chance with her, but look where I'm at now. Over a year later and I'm in just as much pain as the original two breakups.

 

My advice is stick to NC. Even if you reach out after a long period, you may be setting yourself up for more disappointment. It truly needs to be them begging for you back.

 

I hope that helps.

[1784]

@ TryTryAgain...

 

Thanks a lot. That was a really helpful response. I think sometimes the old adage "be careful what you wish for" is appropriate here. I keep telling myself that all I really want is a shot at reconciliation. While I do realize that I'm not in the right frame of mind for it at the moment, I do keep hoping that I'll have the option at some point.

 

BUT...

 

Maybe I'd be better off without it. I suppose I have to proceed with the thought that I won't get a shot at reconciliation. After all, this isn't our first time breaking up. Over the course of 3+ years we've had mini break ups a few times. Those could have all been shots at reconciliation and yet here I am - broken up. Sometimes it's hard to accept the writing on the wall, I suppose.

 

My plan is strict NC. That much I know. I guess I wish I had a crystal ball to see what it would bring me. I'm just being, well, desperate, I suppose. I think the almost one month anniversary of going NC has been on my mind a bit. Plus, her reaching out to my friend has me a bit worked up. She HAD to have known it would get back to me. Last time I looked we were adults and not in 7th grade. Anyway...

 

Thanks again for the responses. I'd love to keep the dialogue going as this is really helping me today. Thanks so much.

[TryTryAgain]

I'm glad I could help.

 

The cruddy part is I'm truly back to square one. This last break/breakup is still so fresh that I'm still hoping she comes crawling back. I hope to get to a point of not caring so dang much about her.

[1784]

Let me help YOU out here...

 

In my opinion there is no "going back to square one". I hate when people say that because when people say it, others believe it. I'm a firm believer that progress made is progress made. Sure, you can backslide a bit but lessons learned are not undone. So stop telling yourself that you're back at square one, revisit the lessons that you have learned, even though your emotions are throwing a veil over those lessons, and get back on track. Just stop telling yourself that you're back to square one because you are NOT. Tell yourself that! Know it! And keep moving forward. As you are here for me, I too will be here for you. That's how I roll ; )

[TryTryAgain]

Dude, thanks! That was a nice pick-me-up!

 

You're right. I know more about myself, and I certainly know more about her. Still trying to accept the "lesson learned" though. The obvious answer is, "don't ever allow her back into my life." I'm hoping I can get to a point where I put my foot down if she ever does come back.

[GreenPolicy]

160 days since the breakup

144 days of NC

65 days since direct interaction (she waited three months to ask for her stuff back, so I had to interact with her for that)

 

I can tell you that it gets better and it gets easier. I am probably about 60 percent healed, but that is a far cry from where I was at a month of NC. As others have said, there is nothing you can do to get your ex back. NC really has nothing to do with that either way. If they want to be with you, they'll come back. All you can do is drive them away even further and do things that for sure will make them not want to be with you.

 

The problem you have is that your brain wants to fast-forward to no more pain, and your heart wants to rewind back to the good times. And neither of those things are an option. I still have bad days, but the intensity of the pain is getting less and less. On a scale of 1-10, with 0 being no pain and 10 being the intense, excruciating agony I felt right after the breakup, these days I'm around a 3. for a long time, I was about a 6-7 and I thought of her relentlessly.

 

Let me tell you what I did right to get here and what I wish I had done differently:

 

Right:

- abstain from drugs and alcohol. I'd go to Happy Hours with friends and have a beer or two, but I won't get drunk or drink alone.

- strict NC. That also includes not googling her, seeking out info through her friends and family, looking at her social networking pages, etc.

- exercise regularly

- read many books on spirituality and relationships

- therapy. If you can afford it, do it

- I go to Al-Anon meetings because I have an immediately family member that is an alcoholic. The lessons I learn there to deal with him I can apply to my breakup. If you don't have a family member or friend struggling with addiction, find a CODA meeting in your area. The 12 steps work wonders for adjusting your attitude towards dealing with grief and heartbreak.

- reconnect with your friends and family members. Aside from yourself, they are your priority now. These are the people who are going to be in your life no matter what, whereas SOs come and go.

 

Wrong:

- I spent too much time focused on my ex: why she did what she did, what she's doing now, who she may be doing it with, etc. That really gets you nowhere

[Jerrica]

exactly. Two steps forward, one step back. Remember you're still one step ahead

[1784]

Yeah, too many people here use the phrase "I'm back to square one" and that really ticks me off. And when you hear something enough you really start believing it. As I said, I firmly believe you can't go back to square one. The only way to do that would be do UNDO everything you've learned SINCE square one. We all know that's impossible. So yeah, you can backslide a bit, make mistakes, etc, but the lessons are there. They are in you. You know yourself better, your ex better and everything that comes with the territory. Think of it as going to, I dunno, Germany. You've been there already. You may not remember every street name or restaurant but it's all in there. It'll come back. It's not square one. Be confident in knowing that you have and will AGAIN deal with this from strength.

 

We'll be here for you.

[1784]

Hey, wasn't this thread supposed to be about me? lol!

[TryTryAgain]

Think of it as going to, I dunno, Germany.

 

So, funny you mention Germany of all places. After all this relationship stuff blew up in my face again, I actually planned a trip to Germany for this upcoming Oktoberfest. Never been there before. It's something I've always wanted to do, but I suppose I was waiting to plan the trip so that I could go with a significant other. I'm doing it for me now!

 

1784 - You have a good handle on this NC stuff and I really appreciate your thoughts on "square one." It sounds like you're on the right track for your own healing as well.

[1784]

Hey man, I'll meet ya there. I've always wanted to go and we can pick up some German Fräulein. ; )

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I think logically I know what I need to do but my emotions get the best of me sometimes - a lot of the time. It hurts, man, there's no getting around that. I refuse to let my emotions mess me up, though. I'm going to handle this the right way, which is why I was checking up on the effectiveness of NC. As long as you all agree that THIS is essential and that there really isn't any other way then that's just what I'm going to keep on doing. I don't think I have any other choice.

 

 

[TryTryAgain]

I think NC is the only way. If they truly want you back they know where to find you. I've even gone through these crazy scenarios in my head like, "Well, what if she deleted my number and wants to contact me...Maybe she wants to, but can't because she doesn't have my number anymore." Of course then I let these ruminations take over to the point where I almost convince myself contacting her is a good idea. Then I have to remind myself that if she really wanted to get in touch, she would figure out a way.

 

The best you can do is make your position known at the onset of the breakup and then go NC.

 

Of course, you could do what all of the "get your ex back" books say, which is after a month, ask her out to coffee. The trouble is the books say to only do this once you are fully healed and truly feel like you have nothing to lose. These books are unrealistic in that they make the reader believe they can work on themselves and get over their ex in a month. Nice fantasy, but not practical. But the message is the same, NC is to heal and get to the point of being indifferent to the situation. If you get to that point, theoretically you shouldn't even want to contact your ex.

[1784]

I try to take advice from wherever I an get it but I don't believe everything I read. Obviously NC makes a lot of sense for several different reasons. Discipline has never been my strong suit so NC isn't the easiest thing in the world for me. I'm also a closet romantic so of course all I want to do is tell her how I feel. WIN her back. Be that knight in shining armor. I know that's the wrong thing to do, though, which is why I'm not doing it. Part of the problem is that she took this knight for granted. The worst thing I could do is shove my lance... never mind.

 

When I think back to the "end", I'm pretty sure she knows where I stand on things. I wanted to try to work things out and she opted to end things. We were both in very emotional places and not really in the best frame of mind to make any decisions. Still, this wasn't a new problem/argument. This was something that had been lingering. Anyway, the point is that there really isn't any mystery about the situation for either one of us.

 

I never wonder about her contacting me, as in losing my number or email address or whatever. My email address is very easy to remember and I know she'll be able to recall it if she decided to delete me from her existence in every possible way. Like you said, though if she needs to contact me she will.

 

One month, in my eyes, in entirely too short a time to get back into contact. Honestly, there's no secret time line. You're ready when you're ready, I guess. 2-3 months probably isn't a bad estimate but that's all it is; and it depends on the person and the situation. I hate those "get your ex back" books because they treat every situation so formulaic. My ex is probably VERY different from your ex. She probably responds to different things. How can you assume this is gonna work? I mean, that's why I was questioning NC in this thread. I guess it comes down to basic human emotions. Hopefully she'll miss me and decide to get in touch. That's how she left things anyway. She said that maybe we could see one another in a few months. That's what I was left with- lol. Awesome.

[DollyGirl12]

NOTHING can "get your ex back", except your ex. So no, NC will never "work" if that is your goal. There is nothing you can do to get your ex back. If they want to come back then they will. That's all.

 

So, why NC? Well, it's win-win.

 

If your ex does come back then you want to be in a good position to accept them back. You want to be strong and stable and mature. Then if they do come back, they will want to stay. If you're a gibbering wreck of jelly and emotion then even if they do come back, they'll just leave straight away.

 

And if they don't come back, then you'll be in the best place you can be. You'll get over them more quickly and painlessly. And you'll be in the best state for finding someone new.

 

So, win-win. Any questions?

 

Totally agree. And i think we all deal with it differently based on the situation and the reason for the breakup.

 

In my case NC was established within only a week or two of the breakup. It would have been sooner had he not started contacting me with all kinds of snide remarks (I caught him emailing people on the Craigslist personals and he kept trying to convince me I was nuts). It hurt like hell, but NC was the only way to go for me. I knew I would never take him back, as he didn't even have the decency to be honest, apologize, or show remorse.

After the fact, I had found that this was a "habit" of his and he had been doing it for many years. NC is hard, but in many cases a necessity. We sometimes want to remember only the sheep, when in reality it's the wolf.

 

And quite honestly, even if he had shown remorse, been honest, or apologized, I still would not have taken him back. To many serious issues there and it's not my job to be someones therapist. I'm not saying that it's easy, because I was devastated by his actions for some time. But, I also knew that I had to wake up and be able to look at myself in the mirror every day, and be happy with the decisions I make in my life.