NC Results?

[TryTryAgain]

She said that maybe we could see one another in a few months. That's what I was left with

 

I was left with something similar...We're technically on a "break" right now, so I thought we were leaving things open. One of the last things she said was, "Well, I don't know when we'll be able to hang out again or when I'll call." So I sort of feel like I was left with a "maybe" as well. I tried contacting her twice in the first two weeks after the split and didn't receive a response either time. I'm guessing that is her clue to me to move on. I've been in NC for about a month and a half since then.

 

In your particular case, remind yourself that the counter to "maybe" is "maybe not." What's especially tough is she threw some sort of arbitrary time out there (a few months). If she hasn't contacted you after a "few months" have passed, then it's probably safe to say she's not going to contact you. For your own healing, you probably already need to be telling yourself that.

[1784]

Here's the thing...

 

Ya know, I read about all sorts of relationships with cheating (emotional, physical), abuse, etc, on these forums. Do you want to know what ultimately broke me and my ex up? Sure ya doooo...

 

I was supposed to move in with her in December. We had been shopping for apartment necessities and whatnot. I was all ready to move in. I had the U-Haul scheduled and everything. See, she lives about an hour away from me. Anyway, my mom had been fighting cancer for the latter half of 2010. We thought she'd be okay since the surgery but it ultimately came back, spread to her lungs and got worse. Now she has 'terminal' cancer and is fighting. My mom lives close-by to where I live.

 

I told my ex that I didn't feel right moving in December and that I needed more time to get a handle on what was going to happen with my mom (treatments, how she would deal with those treatments, emotional support, etc). I wanted to delay the move in. Initially my ex was very upset but she ultimately agreed to wait. By January, after the New Year, she was all kinds of miserable. She couldn't deal with living alone (her roommate had moved to Florida and I was to take her place). Every time my ex asked me "How's your mom" all I HEARD was "When can you move in?". When I finally told her that that's what I was hearing, she didn't deny it. She kept going on and on about not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. How SHE needed me just as much as my mom but that "she didn't have the medical chart to show it" (wtf!). She needed me to choose her. She needed us to move forward.

 

This is what sealed the deal. We couldn't get past this. She wouldn't give me more time and said she had to step away from the relationship. In our discussions I asked her "Had I moved in as scheduled would we still be together?". She said "Yes".

 

So this is where we are now. Or where I am. Most people I know told me I "dodged a bullet" and that it was a "sign of things to come". "How could she not be there for me?" "How could she be so selfish?" Things of that nature. They all agreed that she really showed her true colors. This wasn't the first time she wasn't there for me when I really needed her.

 

Anyway, that's the Cliffs Notes version of my story, or how my story ended. I've been NC for nearly a month now and I still hurt like a bastard. I don't get it. How could she live with with herself going out on that note?

[TryTryAgain]

SHE needed me just as much as my mom but that "she didn't have the medical chart to show it"

 

Yes, my friend, this certainly is tough.

 

Did your ex perhaps get scared? Does she have abandonment issues that you know of? Man, the only thing I could possibly see is if somehow she got terrified that you would dump her at some point during the trials and tribulations with your mother. I have no idea though. That's a stretch. I typically try to give people the benefit of the doubt though. Even if that is the case, it certainly is a red flag.

 

I don't know how she could live going out on that note unless she truly is just that selfish. She may have thought you two moving in together even through this event was the best for both of you. Maybe she wanted to be your 24/7 support system, and she interpreted your asking for a little space as rejection. In any case, she did the complete opposite of what you asked her to do. Relationships are about compromise, and she dug in her heels and said it's either her way or the highway.

 

I sympathize because one of the reasons my ex and I have so many problems is she can be very selfish at times, especially when it comes to realationships with those close to her.

[DollyGirl12]

Here's the thing...

 

Ya know, I read about all sorts of relationships with cheating (emotional, physical), abuse, etc, on these forums. Do you want to know what ultimately broke me and my ex up? Sure ya doooo...

 

I was supposed to move in with her in December. We had been shopping for apartment necessities and whatnot. I was all ready to move in. I had the U-Haul scheduled and everything. See, she lives about an hour away from me. Anyway, my mom had been fighting cancer for the latter half of 2010. We thought she'd be okay since the surgery but it ultimately came back, spread to her lungs and got worse. Now she has 'terminal' cancer and is fighting. My mom lives close-by to where I live.

 

I told my ex that I didn't feel right moving in December and that I needed more time to get a handle on what was going to happen with my mom (treatments, how she would deal with those treatments, emotional support, etc). I wanted to delay the move in. Initially my ex was very upset but she ultimately agreed to wait. By January, after the New Year, she was all kinds of miserable. She couldn't deal with living alone (her roommate had moved to Florida and I was to take her place). Every time my ex asked me "How's your mom" all I HEARD was "When can you move in?". When I finally told her that that's what I was hearing, she didn't deny it. She kept going on and on about not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. How SHE needed me just as much as my mom but that "she didn't have the medical chart to show it" (wtf!). She needed me to choose her. She needed us to move forward.

 

This is what sealed the deal. We couldn't get past this. She wouldn't give me more time and said she had to step away from the relationship. In our discussions I asked her "Had I moved in as scheduled would we still be together?". She said "Yes".

 

So this is where we are now. Or where I am. Most people I know told me I "dodged a bullet" and that it was a "sign of things to come". "How could she not be there for me?" "How could she be so selfish?" Things of that nature. They all agreed that she really showed her true colors. This wasn't the first time she wasn't there for me when I really needed her.

 

Anyway, that's the Cliffs Notes version of my story, or how my story ended. I've been NC for nearly a month now and I still hurt like a bastard. I don't get it. How could she live with with herself going out on that note?

 

 

That's very sad. Been there and done that, with both parents. It's agonizing.

I think many of us have had to look at the big picture, and with regard to what your friends have said, you dodged a bullet. That's exactly how I feel.

The people we are truly meant to be with, we will be with.

[1784]

I don't think she got scared. She seemed EXTREMELY excited for me to move in. I almost think it was a matter of her putting all of her eggs into one basket. She made my move in the end all be all of her existence. She had been waiting for this to happen for the better part of 2010 and then when it didn't happen it was like her world fell apart. I tried to be understanding. I really did. But given the situation how could I abandon my mom? I mean, really? How could I? I would regret the time lost for the rest of my existence - whether or not my gf broke up or not. I know that for sure.

 

Her M.O. is being selfish. She knows she's selfish and has admitted it to me on several occasions. She simply can't help herself. When push comes to shove she does what she wants to do, when she wants to do it. This is how she was raised. This is how her mother is.

 

I think you're right when you say "Maybe she wanted to be your 24/7 support system". She definitely felt like she was on the outside when it came to my mom's situation. That was my fault. I didn't include her in it but I guess I felt I was protecting her from it in some weird way. That's an issue I have to work on myself. Maybe it's an only child thing. Sometimes I just retreat and try to take care of things myself.

 

I think she did take it as a rejection (me not moving in). Still, I honestly believe that in time she will see things more clearly. I was a really good boyfriend and loved her in a way that she had never felt before. We never lost our "love". We both admitted this to one another. It was other garbage that got in the way.

 

Either way, her selfishness always got in the way. It sounds like that happened to you too. If I was reading my post and saw the situation I described - I'd be mortified. How can someone do that?

[hoping2heal]

I've been reading and participating on these forums for a little while now and I'm sort of confused about one thing...

 

Everyone preaches No Contact. Some people say it's for personal healing, others say it can help you get your ex back and most seem to agree that it can be a combination of the two. But all I see is people hurting, going NC and writing posts on LS. I mean, does NC really work!?!

 

I've been NC for nearly a month now with my ex. Obviously this isn't "long enough" and I have every intention of sticking to it. I DO see that ultimately I have to heal and make myself happy. I get that, I really do. But nearly every post mentions NC and I don't see so many threads saying "IT WORKED". I'm not asking for a fairy tale ending here. I'm just asking to see how many of you have gotten the option for SOME Kind of reconciliation with your ex. I'm at the point where, while I know I'm in no state TO reconcile I would like to know I could have the option. I would love to be able to make the decision knowing that it's all in the realm of possibility. And I'd like to know that NC is a real must. I don't want to think back and be like "Man, I should have contacted her while I was still the man in the forefront of her mind".

 

I've just been going through so many confusing days that I think I need you guys to give me a bit of a slap of reality here. It's the end of my email and I don't even know what I'm trying to say/ask anymore - lol.

 

Anyway, that's it. Thanks in advance for your responses. This place, while dangerously addictive, has been a really nice find. I wish the best for all of you. I really do. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

 

I have a great NC success story so I will share it. There was roughly a 5 month window between when my ex & I broke up and when I was able to go full on NC. We had little to no contact whatsoever during those five months, but what did ensue was really confusing. There was a time he told me that I had no idea how much he loved me and how badly he was hurting (then why did we break up, dingbat} and of COURSE I clung to that one for awhile. There was also a time when he contacted me to let me know he has not been with anyone (this was when he thought, that I thought there was another girl..I did not ask him, he just heard someone told me this} else and that other girl was only just a friend, and started telling me how depressed he was when we broke up. There were some other odd behaviors and comments during this 5 months that just left me confused but again there were only a few times we actually had contact.

 

Anyhoo, By the end of month 5 I could not take it anymore. I was still hurting and the small little scraps being thrown my way led only to more confusion and further anguish and really prevented me from moving on because I would believe they actually meant something and that eventually, we would get back together.

 

So, end of month 5 comes, I write him and let him know I am feeling confused by his words and doing things like writing me to assure I do not think he is with anyone else, etc. I basically tell him, if he wants to reconcile then now is his chance or I am moving on. I never got a response after two days having known full well he read it and that was enough for me. I decided OK now I am moving on.

 

So, the first month after that was agonizing but I told all friends I did not not want to know what he was doing, etc. I did not check up on him online, nothing. After that first month I began to finally accept that we were done and I quit looking at him with rose colored glasses. I mean, to be fair..it WAS pretty messed up the way he played with my head like that during that 5 month period. I began to realize more and more that I did not even like who he was as a person. Not long after I let go all together and did not look back. I made a lot of mistakes in that RS too (not cheating, but} , and I can be woman enough to say it just as much my fault as his that things did not work out.

 

So, I moved on and a little while later I met the wonderful and amazing man who I will marry . Our relationship is what a good relationship should be and the one I was in before him, definately was not.

 

Oh, about a year later btw, that guy tried to contact me. Of course, I told him to bugger off

 

So, yeah..NC helped me heal and who cares about getting the ex back..we did not work out for a reason and our relationship although I was happy in it then..it was not nearly as intimate, close, wonderful, and soul fulfilling as the one I am in now. If anything, I owe that guy a thank you for breaking up with me so that I could move on to someone better suited to me and more compatible and capable of meeting my needs. :D

[TryTryAgain]

My advice to you is to stay the course and be there for your mother. I commend you for staying strong and not giving into your girlfriend's demands, especially during such an emotional time for your family.

 

Man, I think you did the right thing. All you asked was for a little compassion and a minor delay to your plans of moving in. She couldn't give you what you needed and she fully realized that, so she bolted. She wasn't even willing to work on her issues. But that's what selfish people do. They are only after that which benefits them directly. It's such a crappy existence if you think about it.

 

I don't know if she'll ever contact you again. It's hard to say given the circumstances. She was pretty awful to you. As others said, she showed her true colors. Even if she came back all sweet and regretting what she had done, the same core of the person is still there. That's what I've found with my ex. We've reconciled three times, but she's the same selfish girl as she was the first time. From her perspective, our reconciliation's were never about "us", they were about her. She pandered to me to get me back, then turned her back on me at the first sign of conflict.

[1784]

Are you sure we don't have the same ex? lol

[TryTryAgain]

No kidding, right!?

 

I do take comfort in knowing that I'm not in this alone, especially since it sounds like our exes have very similar personalities. I wonder if the selfishness is something they'll ever grow out of. My ex is 26 now, so perhaps it's a maturity thing. I for one know that I didn't do anything wrong, and I take solace in that.

[smomof2]

Hi all! I know what some of you are going through, as I have myself, and that's why I'm here. Break ups are difficult for both, and when you want your ex back, you spend hours awake, thinking about what to do, what might work, how much more you could have done, and so on. I'm not here to be a sales person, but I can tell you what has worked for me. A very close friend of mine mentioned this website, and it worked great. If you are willing, just check it out. I'm not sure it will work for you, but it has worked for me....and when I was sure I had lost him, after 4 years of a great relationship, after this breakup I thought it was the last time we would be together. It was the opposite...it turned out the last time we were apart. Now we are married and as happy as we can be. Good luck to you all.

Here is the site if anyone is interested:

 

"Discover how I got my ex back and never have to worry about relationship

problems ever again": http://www.payzeno.com/a/smomof2/19

[scrc1]

It's been 5 months for me now. There's no magic answer. They will either come back, or they will not. If they do come around, you may be open to it again, or you may not.

 

For me, I've been so lost...when you love someone that much and you lose them, it can absolutely amaze you what kind of torture, self-loathing, and ****ty treatment you are willing to put up with, all with the hope of winning them back. None of that works. And there is no fix, except for time.

 

What I have seen a lot of here, and am beginning to feel myself, is that after a good while, you begin to feel some serious resentment towards your ex for the situation. Not that you don't love them or don't want them back any more, but after months of no results and getting your hopes up and having them crushed... you do realize that you have to pick up the pieces of your life and move forward.

 

Don't beat yourself up about how you wish you stuck to NC, or did it sooner, or tried some grand gesture. Bottom line: You can try everything under the sun, but your ex won't come all the way back unless they are willing and ready to.

 

Personally, I'm still keeping my heart open for her...for now. No one knows what the future brings.

[TryTryAgain]

Personally, I'm still keeping my heart open for her...for now. No one knows what the future brings.

 

I'm doing the same. In fact, I've pretty much done that for all of my LTR girlfriends who have dumped me. Most of them are off and married now, so at least I have closure on them.

[Rose T]

So, I moved on and a little while later I met the wonderful and amazing man who I will marry . Our relationship is what a good relationship should be and the one I was in before him, definately was not.

 

Oh, about a year later btw, that guy tried to contact me. Of course, I told him to bugger off

 

If anything, I owe that guy a thank you for breaking up with me so that I could move on to someone better suited to me and more compatible and capable of meeting my needs. :D

 

I love stories like this hoping2heal! It's a good example of how NC is essentially a healing period, although I actually think that dumpees have more power than they realise in the break-up.

 

To the OP, I do think that NC is really important in LTR break-ups because of the co-dependency aspect that tends to exist when you've been with someone for a long time. In the cases where dumpers are selfish, hasty, used to getting their own way or immature, losing that connection can really freak them out.

 

I broke up with my ex nearly four months ago (woo-hoo! 4 months... I'm starting to feel like a LS old-timer, also because I am feeling GREAT at the moment) - it was a really brutal break-up in which he cheated on me, then when I threw him out, he went to the OW (a co-worker). My NC was patchy at best the first month, but the second month I ignored him completely (I decided he must have moved on so tried to do the same).

 

That month of NC actually had a pretty strong effect on him, he got in touch several times towards the end of it to tell me he'd made a terrible mistake, wanted another try. I couldn't go back and didn't trust his sincerity, so I said I couldn't... TBH, I think he was just hurting and trying to make the pain go away by asking me to come back. Since then, I've been really quite good at NC (currently at 25 days!) but he reaches out every time he "hurts" which is quite a lot. He is selfish, like your ex, and used to instant gratification.

 

Four months on, I can see that the break-up has screwed him up quite a lot even though he wanted "out" and in theory "got what he wanted". I had to deal with all the crap of the cheating and rejection but thanks to my LS buddies and also my real life ones (lol!) and a new habit of talking to strangers like an eccentric old lady has all worked miracles.

 

I think: NC is the only thing that will help you if you suspect that the relationship is over and you can't go back but you need to get through the pain. NC is also best for at least a few months if you really think the relationship is worth saving and a second chance will be possible further down the line. Trust me, she hasn't forgotten about you. Silence is about getting your power back. The moment our exes walked away, actually, we got our power back.

[Jerrica]

just to add my two cents....I think it really depends on the person.

 

I went NC and ignored my ex (who broke up with me only 3 weeks ago) when he threw me a crumb. This pissed him off and turned him into a jealous angry ex....so now we aren't even civil because of it, and I'm having trouble cutting ALL ties as he is refusing to get his stuff now and thinks I have a boyfriend lol all because I am actually moving on! I guess he wanted me to cry and beg.

 

Yet with all his anger and hate towards me now, he still can't swallow his pride for a second to apologize or be civil with me about getting his stuff. When I didn't do anything but try and cut ties to move on, which is what HE wanted!!!!

 

BUT the success is, because I did NC I'm realizing what kind of person he really is....I don't want to be with someone who has so much pride they are arrogant, or draws conclusions from zero evidence, and masks their feelings behind anger and hate. He is not a healthy person, NC helped me realize this.

 

Don't do NC for them, do it for YOU. You gotta look out for number 1. It really is amazing once the rose colored glasses come off!!!

[robinseggblue]

The moment our exes walked away, actually, we got our power back.

 

This is the best quote I've read here on LS. Simply fabulous.

 

I always enjoy your input Rose, keep offering it!

[Rose T]

This is the best quote I've read here on LS. Simply fabulous.

 

I always enjoy your input Rose, keep offering it!

 

 

Thanks sweetie! I've been off frolicking in the sunshine recently, feeling a lot better myself, but I do enjoy spending time on LS and feel it helped me so much this year.

Edited March 25, 2011 by Rose T

[1784]

A few random thoughts...

 

1) NC is hard because, well, this morning it is a nice and sunny day in NYC. All I really would want to do today is spend the day with my now ex gf. I guess part of it is about what i can't have, and that's tough. We always spent Saturdays doing something fun. Right now I'd typically be getting ready to head over there. I know, I know, do something fun WITHOUT her. I do understand what I have to do, just saying...

 

2) It really is hard not to remember all the good times. I have so much evidence that this relationship had a lot of things that would never work for me in the long run. I think sometimes we'd prefer hard evidence of it not working instead of assuming that it wouldn't. Sometimes you tell yourself that you'd rather know, for sure, instead of trusting yourself and your assumptions.

 

3) I'm afraid that if I'm going NC she may be too, as in, her "strategy" is the same as mine, which means that neither of us will contact the other... ever. What if she's read the same things I have?

 

4) I just feel so confused. I love her and am very angry with her all at the same time.

[1784]

Well, she sent me a text message last night. "I really miss you". After nearly a month of NC she has decided to make contact. I didn't respond but I certainly considering it. I don't know what to do.

[melenkurion]

The moment our exes walked away, actually, we got our power back.

 

I love this, Rose. I am going to say it to myself as often as I can.

[Rose T]

I love this, Rose. I am going to say it to myself as often as I can.

 

Hey Melen, I think it is very true for you, I know you've had a few ups and downs but I think you've made incredible progress in the last couple of months! I subscribed to LS just to be able to comment on your thread way back in December, it's so nice to think that that dreadful winter is over and good things are round the corner. Hope you're doing ok.

[Fufu]

I will say this over and over again

 

NC is mainly and solely for YOURSELF and no one else, and definitely not for your ex bf/gf or any means to get them back.

 

By going NC because of them, you will never be healed completely.

 

You have done enough to convince your ex and now it's time to think and spare a thought for yourself.

 

1784: the text message of "I really miss you" can have lots of meaning, do not over think of what the meaning is as this will hinder your healing process. As long as she's not saying she wants to work things out with you and doing any actions to be back with you, discard the message.

Edited March 29, 2011 by Fufu

[TheLoneSock]

In my experience, any time I have gotten back together with an ex it has been through LC - limited contact. NC simply doesn't bring someone back into your life, no one likes to be ignored. That's not to say that NC's usefulness is dampened any, it still works wonders for the given individual. But to say that strict NC is your best chance at bringing back your ex is just a farce I'm sorry to say.

 

It gets you over your ex and makes them miss you. That is all.

[hunk]

LoneShock, would you care to post any examples of LC bringing any of your exes back? Sounds interesting.

[1784]

Just look at my other post, hunk - "Houston we Have Contact". This isn't to say that I've gotten my ex back but I went from NC to LC and we have a dinner scheduled late next week. NC works in getting them to miss you, if they want to miss you, but you can't ignore them forever if they reach out (and how they reach out is important too).

 

I'm no guru but sometimes you have to go with your gut. TheLoneSock is right, NC is incredibly useful but sometimes you have to know when to say when. That all depends on the situation, the other person and YOU. Like I've previously stated, the skeleton of NC is there for everyone to use but HOW you use it all depends on your own situation. You have to make it work for you based on what you want.

[Fufu]

I have not read your other thread, i will check it out.