Hank_Tx Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Hi, I only recently discovered forums like this exist. In the past I was used to posting in a general relationship forum only to be tarred and feathered, I'm looking forward to hopefully being able to discuss these issues openly without being judged. I am the MM as they say and I say that confidently and without apology. From what I have read I'm convinced this, at least for me, is very much about an emotional connection and not just sex, the sex comes with the emotional connection. I need to get a better feel for the posts here probably before I express more. Hank Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Hey Hank and welcome to LS I know you want this to be an environment where you wont get "tarred and feathered" - uhm...don't get your hopes way up though. Looking forward to hearing your story Link to post Share on other sites
MLC64 Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 all I will say it I would like to hear your story....I think (thought) the exact thing you wrote.....that it is more emotional than sexual. I am now living a nightmare trying to deal with the A and the affect it has had on me. I posted yesterday for the first time as I am realizing the A is so unhealthy for me and my life. I feel a very strong connection to my MM also but after reading here for two days straight, I know it is a fantasy, full of illusion, not real. All A's have an expiration date. It has to end and now I am going to go NC to try to assume my life and integrity back. Hope to hear from you Link to post Share on other sites
MLC64 Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 popped back in to add.....expect some really rude responses here. I am struggling with this entire situation and found some very compassionate posts which is why I chose to finally write my first post to get support and advice only to be attacked by ignorant posters who assume the role that what they have to say is important when it really is BS as they don't know the entrie situation.. you've been warned. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hank_Tx Posted March 25, 2011 Author Share Posted March 25, 2011 Well I've read a few more post and now i am convinced I could very easily become a magnet for bashing :-) Oh well such is life. The bottom line is I have dabbled in brief sexual affairs more than once, none was very satisfying. At this point I know what I want and that's a girlfriend ("OW"). Someone I can adore, cherish and spend time with now and then. I realize something like this will be transient, and not long term. I realize it requires communication, boundaries, etc. And I realize it comes with risks. In the past I would post ads on CL or some other such crazy venue. No more. Instead I am now cultivating friendships with women who I come in contact with during my usual routine. So I am not trying to overcome or deal with a past relationship, I'm wanting a cultivate one. I realize that will not set well with many people. But I suppose at least a few will understand. And you will never catch me bashing my wife or talking disrespectful about her. This is not about her, it is about me and needs that I want to be fulfilled that have never been fulfilled. Two years of marriage counseling and we're not really any further than we were when we started. All those details might stoke the conversation :-) Link to post Share on other sites
jthorne Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 What is it you are asking? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 And you will never catch me bashing my wife or talking disrespectful about her. This is not about her, it is about me and needs that I want to be fulfilled that have never been fulfilled. Two years of marriage counseling and we're not really any further than we were when we started. All those details might stoke the conversation :-) First question that pops into my mind, and I suspect in quite a few others reading your posts, is why opt for this route in lieu of a divorce. I'm also curious whether we're talking about a sexless marriage, or whether instead you have some particular ... preference, that your wife is unwilling to oblige. Finally, I'm going on the assumption that your wife is unaware of what you're doing (or attempting to do, as the case may be), and if not whether letting your wife know is an option. This may not be the sort of conversation you're looking for, but I can't help you much on how to find women; it's been a while since I was in the game. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 So MC was a bust and nothing has changed. Can I ask why you just don't either divorce your wife or talk to her about having an open marriage? I guess I don't understand (other than it's selfish) to stay married and go looking for an OW to fulfill your needs that your wife can't meet. Isn't only fair that she can do the same as you? Or is it one of these you'd rather not know if she is doing what you are doing? I'm not judging you. I guess I just don't understand why one would cheat on purpose, even more so since marriage counselling didn't help. Link to post Share on other sites
thomasb Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 The relationships cannot be satisfying because you know deep inside your conscious that they are wrong. Get a divorce and then look for another woman. You have no right doing this to your wife. Betraying someone can never feel or be right. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 The relationships cannot be satisfying because you know deep inside your conscious that they are wrong. Get a divorce and then look for another woman. You have no right doing this to your wife. Betraying someone can never feel or be right. I do agree here.. And I'm also going to add, thomasb's advice is not rude or disrespectful, before people think he's judging or being rude. It's reality. I also need to say, that by doing what you're doing eventually you WILL not only betray and hurt your wife, but the OW too. Even more so since it seems you want to stay married (you have your reasons obviously), as time goes on, most OW want MORE from their MM -- Unless you are lucky to find an OW who is totally okay being your sidedish and doesn't want anything too serious. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hank_Tx Posted March 25, 2011 Author Share Posted March 25, 2011 So MC was a bust and nothing has changed. Can I ask why you just don't either divorce your wife or talk to her about having an open marriage? I guess I don't understand (other than it's selfish) to stay married and go looking for an OW to fulfill your needs that your wife can't meet. Isn't only fair that she can do the same as you? Or is it one of these you'd rather not know if she is doing what you are doing? I'm not judging you. I guess I just don't understand why one would cheat on purpose, even more so since marriage counseling didn't help. I actually posed the girlfriend idea years ago, she was not down with that. And I am not big on divorce and there is no reason for me to debate that with anyone here (I realize you are not looking for a debate, and only asking reasonable questions and making reasonable comments). I am not going to turn my children's lives over because I am less than happy at home. We do not fight and there is no tension in the air at home. People these days are trigger happy when it comes to divorce and I am not one of them. I realize that is a good venue for some people, but not me. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I actually posed the girlfriend idea years ago, she was not down with that. And I am not big on divorce and there is no reason for me to debate that with anyone here (I realize you are not looking for a debate, and only asking reasonable questions and making reasonable comments). I am not going to turn my children's lives over because I am less than happy at home. We do not fight and there is no tension in the air at home. People these days are trigger happy when it comes to divorce and I am not one of them. I realize that is a good venue for some people, but not me. IF you choose to stay married, you have to work with your wife to make your marriage better. To stay because you don't want to be away from your kids isn't fair to them or your wife. So your wife isn't on board with you about having a girl on the side. Yet you are still going to cheat on her? She finds out, chances are high that a divorce WILL happen. And, whatever trust/nice feelings are between you now will completely be thrown out the window and she'll hate you. I say still be honest with your wife and tell her with or without her blessing you are going to find an OW to meet your needs..Let your wife have a choice in this too, to either decide if she wants to find an OW (if she did, would you be totally OK with that?) or if she wants to divorce. It isn't cool for you to call all the shots in the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hank_Tx Posted March 25, 2011 Author Share Posted March 25, 2011 ...I say still be honest with your wife and tell her with or without her blessing you are going to find an OW to meet your needs..Let your wife have a choice in this too, to either decide if she wants to find an OW (if she did, would you be totally OK with that?) or if she wants to divorce... That is good advice, thanks Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Hi Hank, welcome to the forum. There are some rude & judgmental posters you will have to ignore but most are open-minded & really just want to help [even if they ask hard questions or say things you don't really want to hear!] For the record, I'm an OW, & I have a strong emotional [& sexual] connection to my MM. Link to post Share on other sites
PorkRinds Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 What is it you are asking? Actually it sounds like Hank might be here looking for a date. Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I also wanted to add that from my brief experience on this forum, it's NOT a place for coddling/ unconditional 'support' - like therapy or a best friend etc. - but it's a great place 'support'-wise if you want to look deep within & ask yourself hard questions & be challenged. I didn't know I needed some of the help I obviously need until I arrived here! [The biggest thing I'm working on is being honest with myself]. And there ARE some 'bashers' who just like to throw stones & make noise, to me the hardest part of this place is ignoring them instead of being baited into fights. But other than that I think you will meet great people & be personally challenged & helped, if you're ready for that sort of thing. So, welcome. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
PorkRinds Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Hi Hank, welcome to the forum. There are some rude & judgmental posters you will have to ignore but most are open-minded & really just want to help [even if they ask hard questions or say things you don't really want to hear!] For the record, I'm an OW, & I have a strong emotional [& sexual] connection to my MM. Hank said he's looking for something "transient," not for a strong connection. FYI Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hank_Tx Posted March 25, 2011 Author Share Posted March 25, 2011 Hi Hank, welcome to the forum. There are some rude & judgmental posters you will have to ignore but most are open-minded & really just want to help [even if they ask hard questions or say things you don't really want to hear!] For the record, I'm an OW, & I have a strong emotional [& sexual] connection to my MM. thank you, I was reading the post you made (wow) and wanted to say hello and not everyone here thinks you're a kook. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hank_Tx Posted March 25, 2011 Author Share Posted March 25, 2011 Hank said he's looking for something "transient," not for a strong connection. FYI Pork rinds, the good news is there is help for people with comprehension issues. Transient is not a word used to describe strength levels. Google the term for more. Oh and the notion I am here to get a date, like I said there are people out there who can assist those with comprehension issues. I am not one of them so sadly I cannot help :-( A dictionary might be a good start for you. But your attempt at being insightful is noted, thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
PorkRinds Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Well I've read a few more post and now i am convinced I could very easily become a magnet for bashing :-) Oh well such is life. The bottom line is I have dabbled in brief sexual affairs more than once, none was very satisfying. At this point I know what I want and that's a girlfriend ("OW"). Someone I can adore, cherish and spend time with now and then. I realize something like this will be transient, and not long term. I realize it requires communication, boundaries, etc. And I realize it comes with risks. In the past I would post ads on CL or some other such crazy venue. No more. Instead I am now cultivating friendships with women who I come in contact with during my usual routine. So I am not trying to overcome or deal with a past relationship, I'm wanting a cultivate one. I realize that will not set well with many people. But I suppose at least a few will understand. And you will never catch me bashing my wife or talking disrespectful about her. This is not about her, it is about me and needs that I want to be fulfilled that have never been fulfilled. Two years of marriage counseling and we're not really any further than we were when we started. All those details might stoke the conversation :-) Hank, try not to take this the wrong way, but it actually sounds like you are looking for a "GFE", girl friend experience, not a "real" girlfriend. Something "transient," simulated love/emotion to make up for what's lacking at home, more than just empty sex, but no real strings, because you definitely don't want to upset the applecart on the homefront. If you don't want to get divorced--which you don't--then quite frankly you just can't afford to get involved with an OW for the sake of having a gfe not just NSA sex. There's way too much drama there and you could end up blowing up your marriage. Conclusion, your safest bet is a high class, discreet call girl service that provides GFE. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I wanted to reiterate the question asked earlier... What kind of "support" are you hoping to find here? What is it that you hope that LS (and the posters here) can do for you? I don't see any questions in your posts so far, only statements. What is it you'd like help with? Link to post Share on other sites
PorkRinds Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Pork rinds, the good news is there is help for people with comprehension issues. Well then I hope you're taking full advantage of it. Transient is not a word used to describe strength levels. Google the term for more. Here ya go: tran·sient Adjective /ˈtranSHənt/ /-ZHənt/ /-zēənt/ Lasting only for a short time; impermanent a transient cold spell [*] Staying or working in a place for only a short time the transient nature of the labor force in catering Sounds pretty weak to me. You're looking for a fling. A fling is not a "strong" relationship. Oh and the notion I am here to get a date, like I said there are people out there who can assist those with comprehension issues. I comprehend you fully, Hank. I am not one of them so sadly I cannot help :-( A dictionary might be a good start for you. But your attempt at being insightful is noted, thank you. LOL, what a trainwreck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hank_Tx Posted March 25, 2011 Author Share Posted March 25, 2011 I wanted to reiterate the question asked earlier... What kind of "support" are you hoping to find here? What is it that you hope that LS (and the posters here) can do for you? I don't see any questions in your posts so far, only statements. What is it you'd like help with? You are the second person to ask me that and I keep re-reading my comments trying to determine why now two people have asked me that. I am not looking for help, I'm not sure I have any questions and the moment, I'm here to discuss and learn. Link to post Share on other sites
PorkRinds Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 You are the second person to ask me that and I keep re-reading my comments trying to determine why now two people have asked me that. I am not looking for help, I'm not sure I have any questions and the moment, I'm here to discuss and learn. OK so what is it you would like to discuss or learn about? Link to post Share on other sites
PorkRinds Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 At this point I know what I want and that's a girlfriend ("OW"). Someone I can adore, cherish and spend time with now and then. I realize something like this will be transient, and not long term. It sounds like you just want a mistress on the side who will cater to your sexual and emotional needs but in a compartmentalized way that won't interfere with your marriage. By "transient" I assume that the relationship will last as long as you want it to, but no longer; with you calling the shots on just how transient it is. What do you mean by "adoring" or "cherishing" a woman when you know going into it it's going to be a short term relationship and the OW is always going to be second best? Sounds to me that you're thinking of a stereotypical mistress/kept woman scenario. Typically this involves some kind of quid pro quo, usually, where you would be providing her with some kind of financial support, apartment, gifts, travel, entertainment, etc. In return she makes herself available to you when you feel like seeing her, doesn't give you a hard time if you don't want to see her, and doesn't try to mess up your marriage. I don't think most of the stories I've read at LS by and about OW are about "that kind" of OW. By far most of the OWs here seem to be women who believe themselves deeply involved in very romantic long term relationships with MMs. Not sure what you think you're going to accomplish. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts