Introduction

[Hank_Tx]

I don't think anyone should be mean to anyone here. If someone came here and said you were a terrible person and called you names for cheating on your wife, I would be defending you. I guess your comment jumped out at me b/c most of us here are a little sensitive to blame being placed on BS's. Honestly, to me as a third party, PorkRind's comments just seemed sarcastic. I don't think they would have bothered me, but I am not in your shoes.

I don't think anyone's stalking you here though . I do wish you luck in your situation and hope you find the support you are looking for here. This place has helped me quite a bit.

 

I appreciate your sense of what is right and wrong and your concern. I've dealt with mental people like pork rind before. If he doesn't like what I have to he can get out of my thread, like I asked him to. Or he can put me on ignore, like I did with him. Even when I asked him to get out of my thread he persisted, this is classic stalker behavior and clearly he does not respect other people's boundaries.

 

He's been insulting me since his very first post here. He's mental, that's all. I am not complaining mind you, he's on ignore now. I don't need anyone to intervene, I simply ignore his mental outbursts.

 

Will he continue to stalk me here, post crap in every thread I start? It's likely. He has already determined he is the protector of all the women here and wants you to contact him if I PM you. That sort of inappropriate role of thinking he is the king of women here and they are to obey him and tell him if I PM them is clearly another mental or at least significant judgment problem.

 

Had he bothered to read my comments he'd know I am not looking for someone online, I am cultivating relationships in the wild, in real life as they say. Not women online. For instance I had lunch with a lovely woman today and I have a lunch date with another woman next week. I'm convinced he's a pro at online dating, that is just not my bag. I am best in person, for instance put me in line next to a woman in a coffee shop and I am in my element.

 

He keeps selling me on the idea of hiring a hooker which makes me wonder how he became an expert on prostitution. What skeletons is this guy hiding is my question.

 

Anyhow...

[TurboGirl]

all I will say it I would like to hear your story....I think (thought) the exact thing you wrote.....that it is more emotional than sexual. I am now living a nightmare trying to deal with the A and the affect it has had on me. I posted yesterday for the first time as I am realizing the A is so unhealthy for me and my life. I feel a very strong connection to my MM also but after reading here for two days straight, I know it is a fantasy, full of illusion, not real. All A's have an expiration date. It has to end and now I am going to go NC to try to assume my life and integrity back.

 

Hope to hear from you

 

 

Yep. Am there too.

[Hank_Tx]

Yep. Am there too.

 

I think the key comment was "All A's have an expiration date" and that date is best to be known going into it.

[TurboGirl]

Hank

there some nasty folk on this specific forum and I think they are here to torture and annoy and derive great pleasure from trouncing on someone when they are looking to vent and hear sincere suggestions. Several people are on my ignore list.

 

We all have reasons why were are/were an OM or OW. Not always about chance, but sometimes out of need and or being lonely emotionally and/or physcially. I'm not getting divorced either. Not telling my entire story here, because then you become fodder for certain unkind people, and you will see they can be very judgmental & rude.

 

I'm in NC phase with my xMM. Am I a reformed OW? Probably not, for reasons which are my own. To a degree I feel that each person needs to do what makes him/her happy whatever that may be. Some are perfectly ok with having "friend" on the side who fills the emtional and/or sexual blanks that the spouse has ceased fulfilling or just can't, for whatever reason, there are many reasons.

 

So when posting here, be prepared to add to your ignore list. There are some truly objective and fantastic people here... and they will give great advice.

[Hank_Tx]

Hank

there some nasty folk on this specific forum and I think they are here to torture and annoy and derive great pleasure from trouncing on someone when they are looking to vent and hear sincere suggestions. Several people are on my ignore list.

 

We all have reasons why were are/were an OM or OW. Not always about chance, but sometimes out of need and or being lonely emotionally and/or physcially. I'm not getting divorced either. Not telling my entire story here, because then you become fodder for certain unkind people, and you will see they can be very judgmental & rude.

 

I'm in NC phase with my xMM. Am I a reformed OW? Probably not, for reasons which are my own. To a degree I feel that each person needs to do what makes him/her happy whatever that may be. Some are perfectly ok with having "friend" on the side who fills the emtional and/or sexual blanks that the spouse has ceased fulfilling or just can't, for whatever reason, there are many reasons.

 

So when posting here, be prepared to add to your ignore list. There are some truly objective and fantastic people here... and they will give great advice.

 

Cheers to you Turbogirl, the ugliness in this thread is purely of my own fault. I should have found and used the ignore button far sooner. I now have a ignore button trigger finger!

 

I do not blame you for keeping personal details private, I plan to do the same. Perhaps there should be a forum out there dedicated to MM and OW and whatever acronyms I am leaving out that is not designed to rehabilitate them or moralize. One that recognizes people make decisions and not everyone is Ozzie and Harriet. As crazy as it will sound to many people something like this should be a plus in ones life and not a downer.

 

If you find a less hostile forum please let me know :-) And be sure to let mr crazy pants know if you get a PM from me asking you out on a date! j/k

[HalfAlive22]

Actually it sounds like Hank might be here looking for a date.

 

lol, I was going to say that , but I didn't want to be rude!

[findingnemo]

Hank, try not to take this the wrong way, but it actually sounds like you are looking for a "GFE", girl friend experience, not a "real" girlfriend. Something "transient," simulated love/emotion to make up for what's lacking at home, more than just empty sex, but no real strings, because you definitely don't want to upset the applecart on the homefront.

 

If you don't want to get divorced--which you don't--then quite frankly you just can't afford to get involved with an OW for the sake of having a gfe not just NSA sex. There's way too much drama there and you could end up blowing up your marriage.

 

Conclusion, your safest bet is a high class, discreet call girl service that provides GFE.

 

 

Porkrinds!!!!! You can write more than one line at a time. Heyyyyy, who knew?:lmao:

[whichwayisup]

Having an OW on the side is going to take away time and energy from your kids and family unit. Just something to think about.

[PorkRinds]

And to the stalker known as pork rinds I have two words for you "ignore user" that feature is awesome.

 

Let me think about it.

 

I am so sorry your wife stepped out on you, I can appreciate why she did this, I know that had to hurt.

 

LOL I can smell your flop sweat:laugh:

 

 

 

Ouch. I'd give you a big ol' hug but you're on my ignore list :-)

 

No thanks, if I want to get covered in stank I'll go work at the circus.

 

 

 

 

So how are your online dating pursuits going, got any hot babes waiting in the wings? I bet you get all the chicks here. You are such a stud and manly too.

 

 

LOL so I was right, you did falsely believe this to be a dating site for picking up OW. LOL.

[findingnemo]

It sounds like you just want a mistress on the side who will cater to your sexual and emotional needs but in a compartmentalized way that won't interfere with your marriage. By "transient" I assume that the relationship will last as long as you want it to, but no longer; with you calling the shots on just how transient it is.

 

What do you mean by "adoring" or "cherishing" a woman when you know going into it it's going to be a short term relationship and the OW is always going to be second best? Sounds to me that you're thinking of a stereotypical mistress/kept woman scenario.

 

Typically this involves some kind of quid pro quo, usually, where you would be providing her with some kind of financial support, apartment, gifts, travel, entertainment, etc. In return she makes herself available to you when you feel like seeing her, doesn't give you a hard time if you don't want to see her, and doesn't try to mess up your marriage.

 

I don't think most of the stories I've read at LS by and about OW are about "that kind" of OW. By far most of the OWs here seem to be women who believe themselves deeply involved in very romantic long term relationships with MMs. Not sure what you think you're going to accomplish.

 

PR, I likeeeee!!!

 

Hank,

 

Welcome to the OW/OM forum. I can understand why you feel unwelcome in other places. I for one appreciate you being here. You're perfect because you have no questions and need no support. No offense but we need the input of a selfish, pleasure-seeking, shameless MM to help us understand the POV of a serial cheater. (The adjectives I use are not meant to be insulting only descriptive).

 

So let me start...(hope its not conisidered a t/j, there's no topic):

 

1. What exactly are you looking for that your W can't give you? You mentioned something like that.

2. Why can't you ask your W for it? If you have, what was the response?

3. You said you told your W that you wanted a GF. She said no and what else? How does sex work exactly with W? Once a week, twice a month, three times a quarter? Or never?

4. How old are your kids? What's your plan once they go to college? Do you think you'll be able to leave your M comfortably?

5. What specifically do you intend to do to make sure W doesn't find out about your trysts? How do you help her keep in denial?

[PorkRinds]

finding nemo

:love:

[BB07]

PR, I likeeeee!!!

 

Hank,

 

1. What exactly are you looking for that your W can't give you? You mentioned something like that.

2. Why can't you ask your W for it? If you have, what was the response?

3. You said you told your W that you wanted a GF. She said no and what else? How does sex work exactly with W? Once a week, twice a month, three times a quarter? Or never?

4. How old are your kids? What's your plan once they go to college? Do you think you'll be able to leave your M comfortably?

5. What specifically do you intend to do to make sure W doesn't find out about your trysts? How do you help her keep in denial?

 

 

Wow Nemo..........great questions.

[PorkRinds]

I am best in person, for instance put me in line next to a woman in a coffee shop and I am in my element.

 

Maybe, but I prefer to drink mine rather than have it thrown at me.

[TigerCub]

TC, whatever problems you have as a couple they are likely to magnify after you're married. And no need to fear marriage but don't ignore concerns. Usually the only problems that get better after marriage are financial ones, in theory both of your incomes will increase over time and unless you have bad spending habits your debt should decrease. I realize some couples are out of control financially but I think you get my drift. Back to the subject, I was naive in this respect and I ignored or downplayed certain concerns. They only got worse after marriage.

 

Thanks for the response Hank. I think the part in bold is very wise.

I know that nothing in life is guaranteed, but from everything I see and my own involvement as an AP, I've just become very cynical.

 

But I know I shouldn't be paralyzed by fear of "what may be"

 

Thanks again

[26pointblue]

Hank said he's looking for something "transient," not for a strong connection. FYI

 

Yeah, I had only read his first post where he stated that he was the MM & had an emotional, not just sexual, connection. Now I read the follow-up one where he says he is looking for transient 'girlfriends' & I'm not sure if he's a current MM, or just has been one & is looking to become one again, or what. I guess I'm rather confused. Regardless my situation is the same - OW w/ emotional & sexual connection to MM.

[26pointblue]

thank you, I was reading the post you made (wow) and wanted to say hello and not everyone here thinks you're a kook. :-)

 

I'm interested in why you put the "Wow" after the part where you said you read my post. I'm a bit confused. Feel free to post in my thread if you'd like, it could be helpful for me to get an MM's response. :-) Although from what my MM tells me he is in love with me & would like to leave to be with me if possible, but if not, not to be with anyone else or cheat again. So he is different from you but it would still be nice to get MM perspective.

[26pointblue]

pork rind, please go away. Seriously. I will never respond to any question you have or consider anything you have to say. Please find someone new to bestow your awesomeness on. Thank you.

 

Wow, you know what, never mind, you are really rude to everyone! I don't want your comments in my thread & I don't think many people are going to be interested in talking to you because you are so rude. I'm exiting this thread ASAP!! Good luck finding your fantasy OW.

[whichwayisup]

1. What exactly are you looking for that your W can't give you? You mentioned something like that.

2. Why can't you ask your W for it? If you have, what was the response?

3. You said you told your W that you wanted a GF. She said no and what else? How does sex work exactly with W? Once a week, twice a month, three times a quarter? Or never?

4. How old are your kids? What's your plan once they go to college? Do you think you'll be able to leave your M comfortably?

5. What specifically do you intend to do to make sure W doesn't find out about your trysts? How do you help her keep in denial?

 

6) (since you didn't answer my question earlier) How will you feel if your wife does meet another man and has someone on the side as well?

[fooled once]

I think this is one of the most hurtful things I have ever seen directed at anyone here. I don't even know PR or his/her situation, but there are a lot of BS's here and a lot of people going through a lot of pain as a result of all types of R issues, and this is just really inappropriate. I would hope someone would stand up for me if it was insinuated that the heartbreak I endured as a result of cheating were my fault.

 

I don't think anyone should be mean to anyone here. If someone came here and said you were a terrible person and called you names for cheating on your wife, I would be defending you. I guess your comment jumped out at me b/c most of us here are a little sensitive to blame being placed on BS's. Honestly, to me as a third party, PorkRind's comments just seemed sarcastic. I don't think they would have bothered me, but I am not in your shoes.

I don't think anyone's stalking you here though . I do wish you luck in your situation and hope you find the support you are looking for here. This place has helped me quite a bit.

 

Rose, great posts.

 

Finding nemo - you are awesome! Great post too (forgot to quote it before hitting reply)

[whichwayisup]

Wow, you know what, never mind, you are really rude to everyone! I don't want your comments in my thread & I don't think many people are going to be interested in talking to you because you are so rude. I'm exiting this thread ASAP!! Good luck finding your fantasy OW.

Unfortunately I have a feeling this MM was/is a troll, a sock puppet to stir crap up on here, and it certainly worked abit.. I find it odd that all of a sudden in the past 2 or 3 weeks a bunch of newbies are coming on here, not for help but to start "discussion" threads, stay for a day or two and then disappear. Also noted that various members who usually participate in these types of threads are nowhere to be seen. I'm just sayin'..

[thomasb]

I think you are right. To bad that people once banned just don't get that they are not wecome...

[Kismetly]

The bottom line is I have dabbled in brief sexual affairs more than once, none was very satisfying. At this point I know what I want and that's a girlfriend ("OW"). Someone I can adore, cherish and spend time with now and then. I realize something like this will be transient, and not long term. I realize it requires communication, boundaries, etc. And I realize it comes with risks.

 

In the past I would post ads on CL or some other such crazy venue. No more. Instead I am now cultivating friendships with women who I come in contact with during my usual routine.

 

So I am not trying to overcome or deal with a past relationship, I'm wanting a cultivate one. I realize that will not set well with many people. But I suppose at least a few will understand. And you will never catch me bashing my wife or talking disrespectful about her. This is not about her, it is about me and needs that I want to be fulfilled that have never been fulfilled. Two years of marriage counseling and we're not really any further than we were when we started.

 

All those details might stoke the conversation :-)

 

Hi Hank

 

Let me tell you a story.

 

About a year ago, I started a no-strings-attached relationship with a man. We were wildly attracted to each other and it was an amazing connection.

 

I'm a professional who travels alot and he worked away from the place his children and their mother lived. He went home to see them one weekend every 2 or 3 weeks. I never asked about his marriage - because I didn't think it was any of my business. He alluded to the fact that they were "separated", but I never really bought it. He also alluded to the fact that he and the mother of his children hadn't had sex in a really long time. Again - none of my business.

 

After about 3 months, my work took me to live in another city. I still travelled a lot so we were able to see each other for about 1 week per month. The physical separation, made us closer in some ways. We spoke every day, e-mailed and texted regularly. We were very close friends, very compatible colleagues and steaming hot sex partners. It was the most intense sexual relationship of my life. (He said it was up there for him too .)

 

Over a period of a few months, we started to "adore and cherish" each other.

 

The thing is, when you "adore and cherish" someone, have great sex and a strong friendship - it seems kind of silly to not move to something more permanent.

 

However - I wasn't prepared to be the reason he left his marriage, and he wasn't prepared to leave his marriage (which is clearly one of convenience - she looks after the house and kids while he works away and screws other women) if I wasn't waiting for him. He didn't want to hurt his wife, lose half his friends, experience the fall-out in his community and to his repuation, lose half his assets and uproot his children without some guarantee that I'd be there to carry on a life with. We were at an impasse.

 

I ended the relationship. I couldn't do it anymore. Regardless of the status of his marriage, I ended up feeling like his dirty little secret and I wasn't prepared to promise anything to a man who didn't have the balls to be honest with his real-world partner about what was going on with him.

 

The result? Well, I'm really sad ... but recovering . I'm grateful to have had what we had and I'll live and love again.

 

For him? Not so good. He's broken. We've been no-contact (at my request) for about a month. He wrote me an e-mail yesterday and claims he's told his wife he doesn't love her anymore and he's leaving (claims she wasn't surprised, but has completely freaked-out, begging him to make love to her - which he claims hasn't happened in more than 5 years - promising to do anything to make him stay - horribly sad stuff). In his e-mail he told me that when we started the affair, and really up until I ended the relationship he had no idea how in love with me he was and how wrong he was to stay in a marriage relationship that was as broken as his is. Now he's prepared to risk all the things he was holding on to, because our break-up has been so painful for him.

 

Its too late for me. I won't be going back.

 

So we are both heart broken. His life is in shambles. His wife is gutted. And it all started in a relationship exactly like you are proposing.

 

Good luck with that.

[greengoddess]

Kismetly why is it too late for you? Why will you not be going back?

[Hazyhead]

Hi Hank

 

Let me tell you a story.

 

About a year ago, I started a no-strings-attached relationship with a man. We were wildly attracted to each other and it was an amazing connection.

 

I'm a professional who travels alot and he worked away from the place his children and their mother lived. He went home to see them one weekend every 2 or 3 weeks. I never asked about his marriage - because I didn't think it was any of my business. He alluded to the fact that they were "separated", but I never really bought it. He also alluded to the fact that he and the mother of his children hadn't had sex in a really long time. Again - none of my business.

 

After about 3 months, my work took me to live in another city. I still travelled a lot so we were able to see each other for about 1 week per month. The physical separation, made us closer in some ways. We spoke every day, e-mailed and texted regularly. We were very close friends, very compatible colleagues and steaming hot sex partners. It was the most intense sexual relationship of my life. (He said it was up there for him too .)

 

Over a period of a few months, we started to "adore and cherish" each other.

 

The thing is, when you "adore and cherish" someone, have great sex and a strong friendship - it seems kind of silly to not move to something more permanent.

 

However - I wasn't prepared to be the reason he left his marriage, and he wasn't prepared to leave his marriage (which is clearly one of convenience - she looks after the house and kids while he works away and screws other women) if I wasn't waiting for him. He didn't want to hurt his wife, lose half his friends, experience the fall-out in his community and to his repuation, lose half his assets and uproot his children without some guarantee that I'd be there to carry on a life with. We were at an impasse.

 

I ended the relationship. I couldn't do it anymore. Regardless of the status of his marriage, I ended up feeling like his dirty little secret and I wasn't prepared to promise anything to a man who didn't have the balls to be honest with his real-world partner about what was going on with him.

 

The result? Well, I'm really sad ... but recovering . I'm grateful to have had what we had and I'll live and love again.

 

For him? Not so good. He's broken. We've been no-contact (at my request) for about a month. He wrote me an e-mail yesterday and claims he's told his wife he doesn't love her anymore and he's leaving (claims she wasn't surprised, but has completely freaked-out, begging him to make love to her - which he claims hasn't happened in more than 5 years - promising to do anything to make him stay - horribly sad stuff). In his e-mail he told me that when we started the affair, and really up until I ended the relationship he had no idea how in love with me he was and how wrong he was to stay in a marriage relationship that was as broken as his is. Now he's prepared to risk all the things he was holding on to, because our break-up has been so painful for him.

 

Its too late for me. I won't be going back.

 

So we are both heart broken. His life is in shambles. His wife is gutted. And it all started in a relationship exactly like you are proposing.

 

Good luck with that.

 

A thought-provoking post, Kismetly.

 

The end result: many lives in tatters, I know that well. As do many of us here.

 

Hank, many at the end of the affair say they would never have done it with hindsight, myself included. Does this not scare you a little? What if it did end up that way for you?

[worlybear]

So .....Where is Hank? Is this guy for real?