What can I do - friend was molested...

[TigerCub]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm really hoping that I can get some answers here.

 

A very close friend of mine - I consider her like a sister, told me years ago, that she was molested as a child.

I was the only person that she has ever told.

 

Of course I kept her secret. She told me this as an adult. She began having flashbacks and remembering things in highschool and it fueled her eating disorder - she's just had a lot of problems because of what happened - she just can't really deal with it to this day.

 

She's in her early 30s now, and we're still very close, and she talks to me sometimes about it.

 

The problem is this:

She can't trust anyone and so she never dated.

She's still a virgin and that really bugs her now

She's still not open to really meeting anyone because she's afraid that they will hurt her. (I can certainly understand that)...

 

She's mainly very concerned about not being able to do the normal physical stuff in a relationship and then telling the guy why, and then having him be "disgusted" by her (her words - not mine)

 

I keep telling her that it wasn't her fault. That any guy worth a damn, wouldn't judge her based on that.

 

I keep suggesting that she see a therapist, but she doesn't, she just wont.

 

The thing is I get really frustrated with this because I see that she's just letting her life pass her by without living a day of it.

She's beautiful, she's funny, she's just an amazing kind hearted person and it breaks my heart that she can't move on with her life because she wont let the past die.

 

I can't understand what its like to be molested, so I just try my best to listen when she wants to talk - but I feel like I'm doing her a disservice by not pushing her more to get help, get her closure, and move on with her life.

 

I know that I can't force her to get help, I just don't know how to encourage her to move on.

 

This truly breaks my heart and I worry about her constantly because she looks at everyone coupling up and creating their own lives and she sees herself as being stuck in this very stunted childhood phase (again, her words).

 

If there is anyone who has dealt with this issue personally or with a friend (like I am dealing), I would greatly appreciate any advice you have to offer.

 

Thanks very much

[betterdeal]

First of all, you're being very kind and I respect you a lot for that. Second, be sure to not take too much of this on yourself. You sound as though you are a bit and that's not good for you or her.

 

There are a lot of books and resources out there for abuse victims. This might be a route to suggest as it can be less threatening to read a book on the subject than to talk about it with someone you don't know (even if they are a therapist). It might lead to therapy if she reads some of the better material out there.

 

The way I see it is there is an opportunity for her to start a new journey in life. One that will enrich her and take the power back from the past and so enable her to live in the present. It is entirely her choice and we all learn to deal with our past in our own way.

 

Worrying about settling down in a relationship at your age is premature! Some of the happiest, most interesting people I know still aren't settled down, are still on their personal journey and are in their 40s and 50s.

 

Maybe suggest the books idea and if she's receptive we can suggest some titles.

[TigerCub]

First of all, you're being very kind and I respect you a lot for that. Second, be sure to not take too much of this on yourself. You sound as though you are a bit and that's not good for you or her.

Thank you

I know that its not helping either one of us, but I just love her and the idea that because of some monster in her past she can't move on breaks my heart.

 

But you are correct

 

There are a lot of books and resources out there for abuse victims. This might be a route to suggest as it can be less threatening to read a book on the subject than to talk about it with someone you don't know (even if they are a therapist). It might lead to therapy if she reads some of the better material out there.

I never even considered that!!

Its a great idea.

She did mention that she doesn't want to talk to a therapist - because then, it would be "out there"

A book would be a lot less threatening.

 

Really good suggestion. Thank you!

 

The way I see it is there is an opportunity for her to start a new journey in life. One that will enrich her and take the power back from the past and so enable her to live in the present. It is entirely her choice and we all learn to deal with our past in our own way.

 

Worrying about settling down in a relationship at your age is premature! Some of the happiest, most interesting people I know still aren't settled down, are still on their personal journey and are in their 40s and 50s.

 

Maybe suggest the books idea and if she's receptive we can suggest some titles.

 

What you said above is very true. I don't think she needs to find "the one" right now, but I just want her to move towards loving and accepting herself to at least open up more to people, to open a new and more fulfilling chapter in her life.

 

Thank you so much for your reply.

 

Would you be able to suggest some title to me now - just so that I have a few names when I give her the book suggestion.

 

Thanks again

 

p.s. luv your signature

[betterdeal]

You're very welcome!

 

Have a look for "Breaking Free: Help for Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse" as a starting point. It may help you to read it yourself to get some better ideas of what you're helping her with.

 

"The Courage To Heal: A Guide For Women Survivors Of Child Sexual Abuse" looks like another one to consider.

[TigerCub]

You're very welcome!

 

Have a look for "Breaking Free: Help for Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse" as a starting point. It may help you to read it yourself to get some better ideas of what you're helping her with.

 

"The Courage To Heal: A Guide For Women Survivors Of Child Sexual Abuse" looks like another one to consider.

 

Thank you so much.

I'm going to check them out on the weekend.

 

I was actually thinking of reading them as well - to maybe help me say the right things to her

 

I so greatly appreciate this

[Eve]

Much of the time abuse is kept secret because the person who has been abused has grown used to the idea that something bad will happen if they talk about the abuse. This is SO fundamental, I can't even explain..

 

This is SO central that many people do not go into conselling until they reach their 40's...

 

Keep being a friend.

 

Read up on stuff.

 

.. and thank you for caring.

 

Tae care,

Eve x

[hoping2heal]

Hi there Tiger, (This is super long, sorry!!}

 

I wanted to write as someone who was also molested and as a child, and because I never told anyone or sought help I was deeply affected into my early twenties. I, like your friend began having flashbacks a few years after I became a teenager. I also experienced another betrayal around that time, which made things worse. I, had about 8 girls who I was really close friends with and when it began happening I pushed everyone out of my life. Including a cousin, the same age as me who has been in my life since diapers.

 

In fact, I just had a talk with her the other day where I told her what happened and the regret I feel now, that we are not close like we once were.

 

Anyhoo, I finally started seeking help a few years ago. I was not happy with the decisions I was making or the awful way I felt about myself ALL of the time. I was even starting to become self destructive, and while I am greatful I never got into heavy drug use, or prostitution etc. the things I was doing were bad enough for me, and as a result I was ending u p in negative places, with negative feelings. I did get a benefit from counseling but the greater benefit was meeting someone I can trust.

 

 

 

I think that made all the difference to me and I never had that. I also, came out and told my family the truth of what happened to me and that was a tricky thing. On the one hand, finally naming my abuser allowed me to quit taking responsibility and blaming myself. On the other hand, the response I received I was not expecting nor pre pared for. When I told my aunt and cousin (mother and sister of one of my abusers} The reply I got was what they did not know why he should have to be punished now for something that happened so long ago. Keep in mind, I considered aunt a second mother and cousin a second sister BEFORE that happened..in fact, one of the things that kept me from telling was not wanting to hurt them. It has been a few years and I am just finally starting to recover from those words. Neither of them have anything to do with me and avoid me like the plague.

 

I also wanted to put it on police record, what he did. My abuser has been in and out of jail since he was about 13 and has several felonies on his record. It was not until recently that I found out all of the other girls he has abused and taken advantage of. I am glad I put what I did on police record, but that too brought about another outcome I did not expect. My abuser agreed to come into the police station and give a statement. I was told by the officer that my cousin acknowledges there was inappropriate sexual activity that took place but that he was innocent and it was merely ME coming onto him. I rejoiced at first, because his statement solidified that I was telling the truth. Sure, he twisted it sickly (he was a teen, I was 6 but hey!} but the point is it corroborated that indeed things that should not have happened, did! Then, the next day I found out the case was being dropped for lack of evidence.

 

 

 

I will say though, I never once regretted finally coming forward. I needed to get it out and doing so helped me put the blame on the abuser instead of myself. That does not mean that all my feelings of shame over being an exploited child have gone away completely, but things are better. I am sharing this part with you because I encourage telling, but I want people to have a realistic idea of what they may face and should they face it, they are not alone.

 

I likely understand a lot of what your friend is feeling. Today, I am in a much different place regarding being abused. There is only one person in my life I trust implicitly, but I hope to change that. I do have to work on letting others in all of the time. There are a few girls I am friends with and care about and I believe they care about me, too it is just trust is very hard for me to give. I do not obsess over or think about it all of the time, most of the time I do not think about it at all but that was only after getting help. I can remember feeling different from everyone else for as long as I can remember, I just could not clearly understand why until I got older. All I have ever wanted, was to feel normal just like everyone else. I suppose with age I have come to realize that I am not alone, that we all feel like we are outsiders looking in at some time in our life whether we have been abused or not. It is hard to get help when you have already decided that you are shameful and disgusting and feel like no one is going to be able to handle and accept your truth. I have learned that most of what I thought was all in my head. There are people who genuinely love me and accept me and do not define me as a sexually abused child.

 

Today, I am the person I want to be. I am a successful college student with top marks, I am in a healthy and loving relationship that brings me all of the joy in the world and we will be marrying, and I know that through my experience I have developed true empathy, compassion, and insight. Yes, I have plenty of room for growth but I accept me now. I also no longer define myself as a sexually abused child. I now know it is something terrible that happened to me, but it is not who I am and I know that who I am today is a result of healing, hard work, and doing the right thing even when it is REALLY, really tough. I really can tell you genuinely love and care about your friend and believe me, I know first hand how healing realizing that is.

 

Maybe you can show this post to a friend, or if she would like to talk with me online, etc. I would be glad to, just shoot me an email. Let her know I would never ask for any explicit details of what happened to her, or anything like that. I just want her to know she can talk to someone who has been there, and climbed over the hill so to speak.

 

 

Many of my laptop keys are damaged and my replacement has not yet arrived so please bear with my many errors and odd typing lol.

[TigerCub]

Much of the time abuse is kept secret because the person who has been abused has grown used to the idea that something bad will happen if they talk about the abuse. This is SO fundamental, I can't even explain..

 

This is SO central that many people do not go into conselling until they reach their 40's...

 

Keep being a friend.

 

Read up on stuff.

 

.. and thank you for caring.

 

Tae care,

Eve x

 

Thank you so much Eve.

 

I understand that its hard to talk about it, to tell, to be done with it. I guess I understand that concept (as best as I can).

 

I'm glad that she could trust in me at least and get it off her chest that way, I just wish she could go a little further and heal.

 

Thanks again

[TigerCub]

Wow!

Hoping2heal.

I can't thank you enough for sharing your story with me.

I'm crying right now as I type this - not because I feel bad for you or anything like that - but because you truly are an inspiration.

You are so brave and you've made it so far, it really bring tears to my eyes.

 

Hi there Tiger, (This is super long, sorry!!}

 

I wanted to write as someone who was also molested and as a child, and because I never told anyone or sought help I was deeply affected into my early twenties. I, like your friend began having flashbacks a few years after I became a teenager. I also experienced another betrayal around that time, which made things worse. I, had about 8 girls who I was really close friends with and when it began happening I pushed everyone out of my life. Including a cousin, the same age as me who has been in my life since diapers.

 

In fact, I just had a talk with her the other day where I told her what happened and the regret I feel now, that we are not close like we once were.

The same was true with my friend when she was having her eating disorder problems and that was the same time the flashbacks happened (but I found that out many years later).

She just became very antisocial, closed herself off from everyone, and I kind of thought it was because of the anorexia (which is probably enough) but I found out there was more.

 

Anyhoo, I finally started seeking help a few years ago. I was not happy with the decisions I was making or the awful way I felt about myself ALL of the time. I was even starting to become self destructive, and while I am greatful I never got into heavy drug use, or prostitution etc. the things I was doing were bad enough for me, and as a result I was ending u p in negative places, with negative feelings. I did get a benefit from counseling but the greater benefit was meeting someone I can trust.

I'm very happy that you found your way and that you did find that person that you can trust - That's hard to find regardless of background, but I'm so glad that you found it.

 

 

I think that made all the difference to me and I never had that. I also, came out and told my family the truth of what happened to me and that was a tricky thing. On the one hand, finally naming my abuser allowed me to quit taking responsibility and blaming myself. On the other hand, the response I received I was not expecting nor pre pared for. When I told my aunt and cousin (mother and sister of one of my abusers} The reply I got was what they did not know why he should have to be punished now for something that happened so long ago.

I can only imagine that their reaction alone was a form of betrayal.

 

 

Keep in mind, I considered aunt a second mother and cousin a second sister BEFORE that happened..in fact, one of the things that kept me from telling was not wanting to hurt them. It has been a few years and I am just finally starting to recover from those words. Neither of them have anything to do with me and avoid me like the plague.

I don't know them, so I hope I'm not out of line if I say this - but I would imagine that they avoid you out of shame. They're ashamed of what their son/brother did to you, and they don't want the reminder of it. That's what I'm guessing, I don't think it has anything to do with YOU as a person.

 

I also wanted to put it on police record, what he did. My abuser has been in and out of jail since he was about 13 and has several felonies on his record. It was not until recently that I found out all of the other girls he has abused and taken advantage of. I am glad I put what I did on police record, but that too brought about another outcome I did not expect. My abuser agreed to come into the police station and give a statement. I was told by the officer that my cousin acknowledges there was inappropriate sexual activity that took place but that he was innocent and it was merely ME coming onto him. I rejoiced at first, because his statement solidified that I was telling the truth. Sure, he twisted it sickly (he was a teen, I was 6 but hey!} but the point is it corroborated that indeed things that should not have happened, did! Then, the next day I found out the case was being dropped for lack of evidence.

See! I just think you're so amazingly brave and strong to do what you did. I'm sorry that it ended the way it did, but I hope you forever see that just by doing what you did - its a victory for you.

 

I will say though, I never once regretted finally coming forward. I needed to get it out and doing so helped me put the blame on the abuser instead of myself. That does not mean that all my feelings of shame over being an exploited child have gone away completely, but things are better. I am sharing this part with you because I encourage telling, but I want people to have a realistic idea of what they may face and should they face it, they are not alone.

 

I've talked to my friend before about telling for that reason, or at least to get closure, to get it out there, to make a step towards healing instead of keeping it as her "shameful" secret.

 

She told me that she didn't want to tell because all it would do is make her mom cry (out of guilt of not watching her better when she was younger) and since my friend's abuser is her uncle, she just didn't wan the whole family to end up knowing about it because she's obviously so ashamed of it.

 

I likely understand a lot of what your friend is feeling. Today, I am in a much different place regarding being abused. There is only one person in my life I trust implicitly, but I hope to change that. I do have to work on letting others in all of the time. There are a few girls I am friends with and care about and I believe they care about me, too it is just trust is very hard for me to give. I do not obsess over or think about it all of the time, most of the time I do not think about it at all but that was only after getting help. I can remember feeling different from everyone else for as long as I can remember, I just could not clearly understand why until I got older. All I have ever wanted, was to feel normal just like everyone else. I suppose with age I have come to realize that I am not alone, that we all feel like we are outsiders looking in at some time in our life whether we have been abused or not.

The stuff in bold are things she has said repeatedly to me.

 

It is hard to get help when you have already decided that you are shameful and disgusting and feel like no one is going to be able to handle and accept your truth. I have learned that most of what I thought was all in my head. There are people who genuinely love me and accept me and do not define me as a sexually abused child.

 

I know in my heart that this is how she views herself as well. But no matter what I tell her, or how much I negate that or try to prove to her otherwise, she just believes it so strongly

 

Today, I am the person I want to be. I am a successful college student with top marks, I am in a healthy and loving relationship that brings me all of the joy in the world and we will be marrying, and I know that through my experience I have developed true empathy, compassion, and insight.

This paragraph is right about when I started to cry

I'm just really happy for you, and I hope that one day my friend will get to that point as well.

 

Yes, I have plenty of room for growth but I accept me now. I also no longer define myself as a sexually abused child. I now know it is something terrible that happened to me, but it is not who I am and I know that who I am today is a result of healing, hard work, and doing the right thing even when it is REALLY, really tough. I really can tell you genuinely love and care about your friend and believe me, I know first hand how healing realizing that is.

I'm sorry, I know that over gushing comes off as insincere, but you really are amazing, and I truly mean that.

I haven't walked in your shoes, but just from my friend's resistance to seek help (and for justifiable reasons) I just see how difficult all that must have been - but you did it!

 

Maybe you can show this post to a friend, or if she would like to talk with me online, etc. I would be glad to, just shoot me an email. Let her know I would never ask for any explicit details of what happened to her, or anything like that. I just want her to know she can talk to someone who has been there, and climbed over the hill so to speak.

Thank you so much for the kind offer.

I wish she would.

Honestly, I'm afraid to tell her that I posed this question here.

She'll shut down and be offended that I even talked about her issue.

But maybe, if I bring up the books and tell her for the billionth time that I am just concerned for her - maybe she would be open to it.

 

I'll definitely drop you a line if she is willing to talk.

 

Many of my laptop keys are damaged and my replacement has not yet arrived so please bear with my many errors and odd typing lol.

haha

I truly appreciate you sharing your experience with me and you very kind offer to help further.

 

Thank you so much Hoping2Heal

[hoping2heal]

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement tiger .

 

When I first decided to get help, I was not sure what to expect. I joined an online support group along with going to IC weekly. I liked the online environment because it allowed me to be anonymous and at that time I felt scared, ashamed, and heaven forbid anyone know my identity. I was under the assumption that all of the things that happened to me were my fault and I was dirty, unlovable, and worthless. Things were still new with my WONDERFUL (he deserves a cap locks because he is an amazing, amazing human being} and rocky to boot. I was sabotaging our relationship because that is all I ever knew how to do. I was in a very dysfunctional cycle and I kept every partner at arms length and did all kinds of things to screw things up because I did not believe I deserved love or that I could even be a good partner.

 

My wonderful SO at the time was annoyed and angry at me but mostly frustrated. I was able to confide in him what happened and he somehow seemed to see the good in me, even after sharing everything..the abuse I had been through, the dysfunctional behavior I displayed in all my relationships, and the fact that I am unable to have sex. I can remember telling him everything that ever made me feel ashamed one night, crying and sure that he would never want to know me again, but he kept begging and begging to know and trying to show me he cared about me. When I was all done he said something that made me go . He said, See Was that so bad. You are just a normal person, everything you told me its just normal and how anyone would react.

 

He has never made me feel pittied, or different. He is the one person who has made me feel normal, like I am just a person like anyone else. I really needed that and I think it was something that was instrumental to my healing.

 

Anyhoo, I realized after my first few visits to the online community (which were quite sad and morbid, it was people whose lives were constantly ruled by their past abuse, who had never told anyone about being abused, and who were depressed, miserable, and broken}that I could not do anything about being abused, but where my life went from here on out. That was up to me. I went through many ups and downs that first year but I got through all of them. There were scary times and sad times. My partner was an AMAZING support but I was very careful not to make him my therapist either. I knew I had to take care of myself and though I could count on him to comfort me when I had a really hard day with it, and be sweet and care for me when I was sick over a flashback, etc. I never made him feel like he had to be strong for me or carry all of this. The more I accomplished, the more pain that would surface but also, the stronger I became. I was taking back my life little by little.

 

You are right that it is hard to find someone you can trust, whether you have been abused or not. I can never really give enough gratitude to finding someone I could trust who has seen literally the worst of me, and yet his loyalty and love has never waivered. He knew that this person I am today, was in me all along. He somehow got a glimpse of it behind all of my walls and BS and thankfully for us both, whew! He was right Coming to be vulnerable with another person and them not using that to exploit me or take advantage of me in any way, has healed many things for me in itself.

 

You often hear about sexual abuse victims as broken people but you rarely hear the stories of those that triumph, and regardless of what your friend has done in her life up to this point, it is really never too late to heal and start putting yourself in a new direction. I will never know how I got so fortunate in this life, but I have everything I have ever desired in my soul. I really do, but it did not just come to me. I had to walk out on the highwire for a few years of my life and do things that did not feel comfortable to me, most of the time I was scared as hell and had no idea the outcome, and as you know..I suffered some setbacks as well but I never gave up.

 

Your friend can have the life she wants and she does not need to be stuck living as that child she once was. She too, can get her soul desires and start living the kind of life she wants to live but it will not be easy, but not impossible either.

 

I am glad she has someone in her life that cares so much for her!

[TigerCub]

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement tiger .

 

When I first decided to get help, I was not sure what to expect. I joined an online support group along with going to IC weekly. I liked the online environment because it allowed me to be anonymous and at that time I felt scared, ashamed, and heaven forbid anyone know my identity. I was under the assumption that all of the things that happened to me were my fault and I was dirty, unlovable, and worthless. Things were still new with my WONDERFUL (he deserves a cap locks because he is an amazing, amazing human being} and rocky to boot. I was sabotaging our relationship because that is all I ever knew how to do. I was in a very dysfunctional cycle and I kept every partner at arms length and did all kinds of things to screw things up because I did not believe I deserved love or that I could even be a good partner.

 

My wonderful SO at the time was annoyed and angry at me but mostly frustrated. I was able to confide in him what happened and he somehow seemed to see the good in me, even after sharing everything..the abuse I had been through, the dysfunctional behavior I displayed in all my relationships, and the fact that I am unable to have sex. I can remember telling him everything that ever made me feel ashamed one night, crying and sure that he would never want to know me again, but he kept begging and begging to know and trying to show me he cared about me. When I was all done he said something that made me go . He said, See Was that so bad. You are just a normal person, everything you told me its just normal and how anyone would react.

 

I think my friend doesn't give men chances (when they ask her out or want to get to know her better) because she thinks ahead too much and I know that she's dredding the exact same conversation you had with your (really awesome) boyfriend.

I know she just looks ahead and dreads it and it makes her not take any chances at all, or date anyone, but I know she's lonely and she's so depressed.

 

He has never made me feel pittied, or different. He is the one person who has made me feel normal, like I am just a person like anyone else. I really needed that and I think it was something that was instrumental to my healing.

I'm glad that he treated you the way he did.

You are a normal person.

I'm not trying to downplay what happened to you - but everyone has their issues, everyone has something that makes them feel "broken", everyone has been "beat down" by someone else in one way or another.

I'm really not trying to downplay what happened, but I'm just saying that you are normal, because we all have something that makes us feel 'damaged' at one point or another, the trick is to deal with it the best we can and not let it define us.

 

Anyhoo, I realized after my first few visits to the online community (which were quite sad and morbid, it was people whose lives were constantly ruled by their past abuse, who had never told anyone about being abused, and who were depressed, miserable, and broken}that I could not do anything about being abused, but where my life went from here on out. That was up to me. I went through many ups and downs that first year but I got through all of them. There were scary times and sad times. My partner was an AMAZING support but I was very careful not to make him my therapist either. I knew I had to take care of myself and though I could count on him to comfort me when I had a really hard day with it, and be sweet and care for me when I was sick over a flashback, etc. I never made him feel like he had to be strong for me or carry all of this. The more I accomplished, the more pain that would surface but also, the stronger I became. I was taking back my life little by little.

I'm really glad for you that your boyfriend turned out to be the kind of guy to stand by you and support you and be there for you.

 

Since my friend doesn't have a boyfriend, I've even offered to listen to her if she wants to talk about the flashbacks and the details or whatever, but I know that she's too grossed out by them, she would be too ashamed.

 

I know that you mentioned that online support showed a lot of depressed people that are trying to deal in their own way, but did you find it helpful at all? Is it something I should recommend to her, or do you think it might be more of a misery loves company thing and she'll just get more depressed?

 

You are right that it is hard to find someone you can trust, whether you have been abused or not. I can never really give enough gratitude to finding someone I could trust who has seen literally the worst of me, and yet his loyalty and love has never waivered. He knew that this person I am today, was in me all along. He somehow got a glimpse of it behind all of my walls and BS and thankfully for us both, whew! He was right Coming to be vulnerable with another person and them not using that to exploit me or take advantage of me in any way, has healed many things for me in itself.

 

You often hear about sexual abuse victims as broken people but you rarely hear the stories of those that triumph, and regardless of what your friend has done in her life up to this point, it is really never too late to heal and start putting yourself in a new direction. I will never know how I got so fortunate in this life, but I have everything I have ever desired in my soul. I really do, but it did not just come to me. I had to walk out on the highwire for a few years of my life and do things that did not feel comfortable to me, most of the time I was scared as hell and had no idea the outcome, and as you know..I suffered some setbacks as well but I never gave up.

 

Your friend can have the life she wants and she does not need to be stuck living as that child she once was. She too, can get her soul desires and start living the kind of life she wants to live but it will not be easy, but not impossible either.

 

I am glad she has someone in her life that cares so much for her!

 

Aaawww, it warms my heart to see how far you've come into accepting you and knowing your real value

 

Do you still have moments where things bug you? I know that healing takes time, and even if someone healed and made it so far, somethings leave a residue, but do you still have trust issues, or even the involuntary urge to push someone like your bf away?

 

Are you still in therapy?

 

I really appreciate your candid replys Hoping2Heal

[hoping2heal]

I think my friend doesn't give men chances (when they ask her out or want to get to know her better) because she thinks ahead too much and I know that she's dredding the exact same conversation you had with your (really awesome) boyfriend.

I know she just looks ahead and dreads it and it makes her not take any chances at all, or date anyone, but I know she's lonely and she's so depressed.

 

 

I'm glad that he treated you the way he did.

You are a normal person.

I'm not trying to downplay what happened to you - but everyone has their issues, everyone has something that makes them feel "broken", everyone has been "beat down" by someone else in one way or another.

I'm really not trying to downplay what happened, but I'm just saying that you are normal, because we all have something that makes us feel 'damaged' at one point or another, the trick is to deal with it the best we can and not let it define us.

 

 

I'm really glad for you that your boyfriend turned out to be the kind of guy to stand by you and support you and be there for you.

 

Since my friend doesn't have a boyfriend, I've even offered to listen to her if she wants to talk about the flashbacks and the details or whatever, but I know that she's too grossed out by them, she would be too ashamed.

 

I know that you mentioned that online support showed a lot of depressed people that are trying to deal in their own way, but did you find it helpful at all? Is it something I should recommend to her, or do you think it might be more of a misery loves company thing and she'll just get more depressed?

 

 

 

Aaawww, it warms my heart to see how far you've come into accepting you and knowing your real value

 

Do you still have moments where things bug you? I know that healing takes time, and even if someone healed and made it so far, somethings leave a residue, but do you still have trust issues, or even the involuntary urge to push someone like your bf away?

 

Are you still in therapy?

 

I really appreciate your candid replys Hoping2Heal

 

Hello Again,

 

For many years of my life I never gave men a chance either. I kept them at arms length emotionally, and there was no physical intimacy at all, none. To say I was confused about sex would be the understatement of the year. I think I probably understand your friend in that respect also. It was a MAJOR leap of faith with this guy and ironically, in the same way he saw something in me, I saw something in him and that is the ONLY reason I opened up, Yes I totally thought he would more than likely run for the hills and I would find out I was wrong..but I was not. I was not wrong about him at all, and he was not wrong about me either:love:.

 

As for the online support group, I got pissed and left. I found it to be totally NOT helpful. For one, the moderators who are so called therapists sent the TOTALLY wrong message. They were all about handling us all with kid gloves and telling us that we did not have to tell anyone if we never wanted too. Yeah, true enough but I heard a quote once that said Your Secrets, are what keep you sick..and I know from personal experience that is ABSOLUTELY true. Instead of expecting us to be strong and have strength, we were treated like we were little shattered vases and nothing should be said to ruffle our feathers. It was on big pitty party that I felt was perpetuated by the moderators and I cannot say I reccomend that to anyone. Hell, some of the first anger I ever felt was towards the moderators hehe. I think that a support group should promote healing, not pain and yes, healing is hard, it is challenging,and you do need to feel pain, and icky feelings in order to do it but it will not kill you, I know because I have been there and definetely believed that those feelings would give me a heart attack and kill me (really}. I also cannot advise she go to rainn.org that is another crock. I know they are trying to be helpful, but unfortunately it comes off very cold and mechanical. I can only hope there is a good online community out there, I can only speak for the one I was a part of. If anything I would say give some a try, but if it is filled with others who are totally stagnant and not making any recovery..I mean get out.

 

To answer your question, yes certain things bother me and I am not totally 1OO%. I suffer from vagismus as a result of what happened to me and I am still working on overcoming that, I have made a lot of progress but it is not something I have totally beat yet. Also, certain things will upset me. I usually get upset if I know my abuser is going to be near me. He just recently got out of prison (on an unrelated charge for drugs, armed robbery, and grand theft auto..as I said, he has been in and out for well over a decade and a half now} and is on work release just a few hours from where I live. I do not feel safe when he is out, mostly because he breaks parole all of the time, has several felonies on his record, and he seems to strike me as needing to be in prison to have sense in his world. He has a tatoo that says felon, and I think he identifies himself as a career criminal. It would be nothing for him to drive up here, and try to attack me..and that IS a really scary thing. He knows how to emulate emotions VERY well, I just am not convinced he actually has them. He is charismatic and knows how to play people like a pro...that is my best guess of why he has so many felonies, and continues each and every time to violate his conditions yet he always manages to convince a judge to let him off early and go on supervised work release.

 

I do not know if there will ever be a time in my life where I am not going to have those times where I am really bothered by something, or I have a nightmare, or I remember something and feel overwhelmed..but those are far and few in between and it does not consume or rule my thoughts. It is something I have to live with, but it is tolerable and I just keep moving forward. There are times when I will see on the news about some little kid that was molested and murdered, and I have to tell you..I am SO greatful to be alive. Yes, I have had my share of heartache and pain, shame, and fear over this but I know I got lucky because I am alive. I was not killed off and left in a creek somewhere, and I have come to appreciate how lucky I am that I still have a life and I know that even with this pain, that is the past and I can make great things with my life and have happiness and joy and the things I want for myself and I just strive all of the time for that very thing.

[Eve]

Hoping2heal - I am very touched by your honesty here. .. as I am sure many, many, many are.

 

Thanks for helping others by telling it as it is.. after all you have been through.

 

I am really happy that you have found happiness.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[TigerCub]

Hello Again,

 

For many years of my life I never gave men a chance either. I kept them at arms length emotionally, and there was no physical intimacy at all, none. To say I was confused about sex would be the understatement of the year. I think I probably understand your friend in that respect also. It was a MAJOR leap of faith with this guy and ironically, in the same way he saw something in me, I saw something in him and that is the ONLY reason I opened up, Yes I totally thought he would more than likely run for the hills and I would find out I was wrong..but I was not. I was not wrong about him at all, and he was not wrong about me either:love:.

 

As for the online support group, I got pissed and left. I found it to be totally NOT helpful. For one, the moderators who are so called therapists sent the TOTALLY wrong message. They were all about handling us all with kid gloves and telling us that we did not have to tell anyone if we never wanted too. Yeah, true enough but I heard a quote once that said Your Secrets, are what keep you sick..and I know from personal experience that is ABSOLUTELY true. Instead of expecting us to be strong and have strength, we were treated like we were little shattered vases and nothing should be said to ruffle our feathers. It was on big pitty party that I felt was perpetuated by the moderators and I cannot say I reccomend that to anyone. Hell, some of the first anger I ever felt was towards the moderators hehe. I think that a support group should promote healing, not pain and yes, healing is hard, it is challenging,and you do need to feel pain, and icky feelings in order to do it but it will not kill you, I know because I have been there and definetely believed that those feelings would give me a heart attack and kill me (really}. I also cannot advise she go to rainn.org that is another crock. I know they are trying to be helpful, but unfortunately it comes off very cold and mechanical. I can only hope there is a good online community out there, I can only speak for the one I was a part of. If anything I would say give some a try, but if it is filled with others who are totally stagnant and not making any recovery..I mean get out.

 

To answer your question, yes certain things bother me and I am not totally 1OO%. I suffer from vagismus as a result of what happened to me and I am still working on overcoming that, I have made a lot of progress but it is not something I have totally beat yet. Also, certain things will upset me. I usually get upset if I know my abuser is going to be near me. He just recently got out of prison (on an unrelated charge for drugs, armed robbery, and grand theft auto..as I said, he has been in and out for well over a decade and a half now} and is on work release just a few hours from where I live. I do not feel safe when he is out, mostly because he breaks parole all of the time, has several felonies on his record, and he seems to strike me as needing to be in prison to have sense in his world. He has a tatoo that says felon, and I think he identifies himself as a career criminal. It would be nothing for him to drive up here, and try to attack me..and that IS a really scary thing. He knows how to emulate emotions VERY well, I just am not convinced he actually has them. He is charismatic and knows how to play people like a pro...that is my best guess of why he has so many felonies, and continues each and every time to violate his conditions yet he always manages to convince a judge to let him off early and go on supervised work release.

 

I do not know if there will ever be a time in my life where I am not going to have those times where I am really bothered by something, or I have a nightmare, or I remember something and feel overwhelmed..but those are far and few in between and it does not consume or rule my thoughts. It is something I have to live with, but it is tolerable and I just keep moving forward. There are times when I will see on the news about some little kid that was molested and murdered, and I have to tell you..I am SO greatful to be alive. Yes, I have had my share of heartache and pain, shame, and fear over this but I know I got lucky because I am alive. I was not killed off and left in a creek somewhere, and I have come to appreciate how lucky I am that I still have a life and I know that even with this pain, that is the past and I can make great things with my life and have happiness and joy and the things I want for myself and I just strive all of the time for that very thing.

 

Thank you for telling me about what the online help is like.

Maybe I wont make that suggestion. If I can actually get her to read the books recomended above - I'd be very happy with that step

 

I'm sorry that you still have some flashbacks, and get upset sometimes, but honestly I can only see that as normal considering everything that's happened.

 

As for your abuser, I understand the fear you feel now that he's out but, You're so strong, smart, loved and protected, I don't think you should let fear paralyze you from living your life (and I'm glad because I don't think you will let it).

 

Thanks again for opening up and telling me about your experiences.

I wish you all the best and happiness H2H