What would hurt my ex more - responding or not responding?

[NoEnd_Mary]

What hurts an ex more, cursing them out or ignoring their many email attempts? My ex has tried to contact me during the 9 mos period that we split. I got emails, calls from unknown numbers all of which I ignored. Just last month he emailed confessing that he cheated on me. My q to u folks is - what would hurt him more - me ignoring him or me responding and cursing him out? Almost everyone says to ignore b/c silence speaks volumes and will hurt him more that I don't think he's even worth the 2 calories to respond. I would think the fact that he doesn't exist in my world anymore would hurt him more right? B/c isn't the opposite of love indifference and not hate? I am trying to move on with my life and have been doing fine with NC until he sends me this confession letter. Now I feel like I'm back at square one. Do you think he's contacting me b/c he is bored and lonely rt now? I don't see why a man would bother writing his ex if he's still with the ho he cheated with. Please I would like to know what u all think. I broke NC once in the beginning and he behaved like a d*ck which is why I didn't bother ever replying again.

[DollyGirl12]

Hi, it's good to hear that you are doing good with N/C. The times he tried to call or email, did you respond?

I think the best thing for you to do is to not think about what would hurt him more. You have to turn it around and think about what you need to do to make you happy.

It really is a crappy thing that he sent you that email confessing to cheating. It almost seems as if he is trying to push your buttons. Please don't let him do that to you. And I know, for so many of us that would be so difficult. Easier said than done. But, if you were to respond it would just open up the can of worms and probably end up causing you more pain in the long run.

I made the mistake of responding, in the first week of our breakup, to my ex and his provoking emails. I ended up getting really nasty and it just made me feel worse, as I had lowered myself to that level. Being now over 7 months NC I would not do that again.

I wish you the best!

[NoEnd_Mary]

Thanks Dolly. I appreciate your response as I am new to this site. You are rt. I shouldn't worry about what hurts him more. I can't help it sometimes b/c the amt of hurt he caused me is so great that I want him to suffer! I was sitting here boiling just a min ago. My friends also told me he is trying to push my buttons too like you said. But why? If it's clearly over!? Perhaps b/c he never got a response out of me and thinks I've moved on? I'm sure he's jealous b/c he's seen my pics on FB with more attractive men and that I look like I've moved on and don't give a rats a$$ about him. To answer ur q, I only responded once in the beginning 2 weeks after NC and it was bad. He was not the same person. Actually I believe this as$hole was actually the real him and that he hid the real side of him from me (we were in a LDR). So I felt like I was getting no where with confronting him b/c he was acting like an aS$. So I figure why waste my breathe. That's why I made the decision to cut all ties and never respond again.

 

I was doing so well until this email came about his cheating. Like why would you tell someone that 9mos after the fact and not just confirm it after the break up. I hear what you're saying about lowering yourself to his level. I tried to be the bigger person and just walk away and let him destroy himself.

[DollyGirl12]

You're welcome. I know exactly where you are coming from. I was so angry with my ex when we first split (you can read a few of my posts to give you a little background).

But.....after I had gotten my head back on my shoulders what I realized was that he was suffering. He has a major lack of character and cannot form healthy long term relationships. We were actually friends for over a year before we started a relationship. He came off as a very caring and loving person. I remember one night, when we were friends, he called me almost in tears. He had been alone for a while and just wanted to be with a good person. He had that with me and he completely sabotaged it. I saw alot of stuff that I probably wouldn't have, and it painted a very clear picture of who he really was. It's really a very sad thing, honestly. I truly think he suffers on a daily basis, but because of his own doing.

A good guy, who has not been in your life, would not come back 9 months later to confess to cheating. It's not as if the two of you were working on getting back together, where openness and honesty were imperative. I cannot imagine why any human being would do that, other than to stick you with a little more pain.

Sooo hard not to react, but please try not to. He doesn't deserve the attention.

[DollyGirl12]

P.S......

I would highly recommend, should he email you again, that you delete it and then empty your trash folder. It may save you alot more hurt.

[NoEnd_Mary]

Thanks Dolly. I filtered his email as spam so hopefully I won't see any emails from him anymore. I should have listened to my friend and filtered it rt after the break up but I don't know why I was trying to keep the door open. He owes me money and I asked for it after the breakup to which he replied that he will pay me as soon as he can. Which is another lie. B/c he doesn't have a FT job rt now and also owes other ppl lots of money, I don't think I'm going to get that money back. I might just have to forgoe the money and ignore him. Sometimes I don't think it's worth going thru that much stress to try to get in touch w/him for the money, which he doesn't have. He will just lie to me and it'll aggravate me more. And knowing how dishonest he is, he prob wouldn't pay me back anyway.

 

And omg your ex sounds just like my ex. My ex had nobody. A broken family, he was abandoned when he was young. He had no self confidence. So what happens, he finds me -- an angel and I opened up the world to him. First as a friend and then as a gf for 5 yrs. I even got him back into school. He strung me along this whole time saying we were going to get married. Then what happens - rt before graduation he wants to "see other ppl"? WTF?! And it turns out that he had already been seeing her behind my back.

 

All I know is what goes around comes around. The fact that your ex is suffering means mine is too. They both don't have the emotional support and confidants in their lives anymore. But it's too bad. They did it to themselves. THEIR LOSS! I get so angry when I write about him.

[adastra]

If you can, block his emails all together. It will get returned to him as if your account is gone.

 

My MO was always stay busy, look happy, fake it til you make it. It didn't take me long to realize I didn't need my exes to be happy.

 

PS- I KWYM about the money- been there! It's not worth it!!!

[DollyGirl12]

Yup, seems like money is another thing in common, probably with alot of people on here. I didn't give my ex money, but we traded stocks together and he was very good at it. Since his disability that has been what he was doing. I started letting him trade my account, as I needed to build it to take a certain amount out. There is one stock that he is married to, completely stuck on. No one else in our group liked it. He started loading my account with it. I actually made a nice move. I put a sell in and he took it out. I was very upset, he knew I needed the money. But he assured me that he had known this company in and out and the stock would be at least double from where I put my sells in. It started to go down. I was getting anxious. He started buying more of it, upping my average, telling me it was going to bounce. It still kept going down and he kept buying. I took my account away from him a few times and he acted so hurt and insulted, that he knew what he was doing, etc. So, like a complete fool I felt bad and gave it back to him. So, he bought more of it. It made another move last August and I again put sells in. He took them out and told me I was stupid and I would never see that price again. It wasn't even as if I was selling all of it, just wanted to sell enough to get some money out and take care of some business. Well, it tanked again. I ended up selling most of it below my average. Let me also say that the whole time he was buying the stock he was giving me a guarantee that he would cover any losses and buy it back from me at my cost. We all know that never happened. Yeah,,,a man of his word!!! Our relationship ended a month later. But, the stock is now down half of where I sold it. By the time I took my account away it was 20K below the high and well below where I started letting him trade it. Lesson well learned. It put me in a major financial hardship and I was very very angry with him about that also. He still lives with his mother (he's 34) and he has never had to worry about taking care of himself. He is treated like the baby of the family. Kind of funny because when I first met his family I felt like I was applying for a job with the CIA! LOL....But, I'm a pretty social person, didn't have a problem being drilled. His family actually ended up loving me, which is something that had never really happened with any of his past ex's. I KNOW he never told them what happened or why things really ended. I became very close with one of his sisters and we did correspond after everything ended. She asked me what happened and I was honest, although I did ask her not to share it with the other family members, and she did respect that. She said he also did the same thing to her stock account as well. For the first couple months she would contact me and tell me how much everyone missed me and loved me. She had then contacted me back in Jan. and said that she had spoke to him, that he still thinks about me and misses me and thinks it would be nice if I apologized to him! WHAT??? LOL...I told her that was not going to happen. I guess he was very upset about the things I said to him but still would not take one ounce of responsibility for what he had done. I also had to tell his sister that I enjoyed hearing from her, and seeing what is going on in her life (at that point I could separate things), but I did not want to speak about him any further at that point. She told me she loves me and understands, and she has been extremely respectful of that.

But honestly, even if he had apologized from day one I would not have taken him back. Breaking ones trust in that kind of way made me realize I would never be able to trust again. And for good reason, he has a pattern of doing the things he did, not only with me, but with his ex before me. Saw alot of things I probably shouldn't have, but in a way it was a blessing in disguise, because I saw it was not a one time slip!

Did you find that your ex had a history of repeating the same bad behavior?

Edited March 26, 2011 by DollyGirl12

[NoEnd_Mary]

If you can, block his emails all together. It will get returned to him as if your account is gone.

 

My MO was always stay busy, look happy, fake it til you make it. It didn't take me long to realize I didn't need my exes to be happy.

 

PS- I KWYM about the money- been there! It's not worth it!!!

 

Thanks. I just blocked him on my IM msgr. I don't know how to block him on email besides turn him to spam. I don't think yahoo has this function. I would love it if the emails can get returned to him. That would at least give him some notification that it's not going through. I blocked him from text msg and my cell company sends a msg to the person saying all texts msgs are blocked. I'm sure that hurt him like a big F*ck U. I just need to figure out how to block email. I'm afraid if it's in my spam folder, my curiousity might make me open it. The reason why I opened the last email was b/c I thought it was a suicide note. Imagine how disappointed I was to learn that it wasn't.

 

And adastra, would you mind telling me what happened when you tried to contact your ex for the money? I'd like to know what's the worse case scenario. I'm really ruling off the idea of contacting him for the money.

 

And Dolly, sheez your ex sounds like a real immature douche. I mean seriously, freeloading off his mom and then screwing with your stocks like that! I thought I lost alot of money but it's nothing compared to what some other pple lost. I am sorry that you had to go thru this. Just goes to show you how selfish and sociopathic these ex's are. I sold a lot of his gifts and was able to make a couple hundred dollars off it. So I'm about half way making back the money he owes. I just wanna know I'm making the best decision by leaving him alone and not asking for the money.

 

But honestly, even if he had apologized from day one I would not have taken him back. Breaking ones trust in that kind of way made me realize I would never be able to trust again. And for good reason, he has a pattern of doing the things he did, not only with me, but with his ex before me. Saw alot of things I probably shouldn't have, but in a way it was a blessing in disguise, because I saw it was not a one time slip!

Did you find that your ex had a history of repeating the same bad behavior?

I agree. Once the trust is broken, there's no chance for a rel. There's always going to be that dark window in the bkgd with suspicion should you get back with a dishonest ex. I agree with you - I saw a lot of bad patterns with this guy. I should have really looked at these red flags but I ignored it. While he didn't have any rel before me (I was his first gf), he does have a pattern of being flaky, esp. with paying ppl back. He had his car repo'd. That was a red flag right there. In the beginning he paid me back so I thought I was different to him. But later on the pattern became bad. Ladies I realize that a real man wouldn't ask you for money to help pay his bills. It was stupid of me to think that I was just trying to help and be nice to someone I thought loved me. But now I know better.

[NoEnd_Mary]

Ugh I woke up really pissed this morning thinking about him so I had to get on here and post instead of doing something drastic. I can't seem to get my mind off the betrayal. I'm sooo upset b/c I did so well with NC for the past 9 mos. I thought I was moving on! Help!

[betterdeal]

He's living in the past. Don't let him drag you back there with him. Change your email address, block him on Facebook, get a new phone number.

[Graceful]

Ugh I woke up really pissed this morning thinking about him so I had to get on here and post instead of doing something drastic. I can't seem to get my mind off the betrayal. I'm sooo upset b/c I did so well with NC for the past 9 mos. I thought I was moving on! Help!

You are moving on, otherwise you would not have had the strength or presence of mind to come here rather than send your ex a message. So you are much stronger and wiser than you realize.

 

Nothing, and I mean nothing, as sure as you and I are sitting here, good ever comes from responding or contacting the ex, in a situation such as the one your ex left you with, and that includes cursing him out. The main thing to always consider is how YOU feel, not him. How will YOU feel if you contact him to lash out at him? It will not only make you feel horrible, it will make you appear bitter, angry, and the worst of all, like you are still thinking of him.

 

Any contact will let him know what's on your mind. And he does not have the right to know what's on your mind, no matter what it is. Come here if you need to vent, we will give you the validation you need, he will never, ever do that, and he not only will not do that, he will create havoc all over again. Breaking NC always backfires. Glad you are on LS and please stick around.

 

Nice going.

[NoEnd_Mary]

He's living in the past. Don't let him drag you back there with him.

Betterdeal, I never thought of it like that. He is totally living in the past! His letter mentioned some mutual ppl we knew and I haven't heard their name in a year and when I read the letter, it really took me back in time. You're right. I guess he's the one who's really not moving on. He seems to have written that confession letter out of guilt. It wasn't for me. It was to absolve his guilt. Every single sentence was about himself. He must think he's really important or something. I don't think a simple letter would simply erase that. Maybe this is where the pain begins for him. He's gonna carry this with him for a long time b/c I was such a good gf to him.

 

How will YOU feel if you contact him to lash out at him? It will not only make you feel horrible, it will make you appear bitter, angry, and the worst of all, like you are still thinking of him.

 

Thanks Graceful. You're so right. I guess I felt that by lashing out, I would get the anger out of my system. I was told by a friend that I need to release the pent up anger and I wanted to call him out on how he disrespected me. But I agree that contacting him to release that anger won't really get me anywhere b/c he will just act like a clown. I broke NC the first 2 wks after breakup to confront him and I got nowhere b/c he was acting like a selfish clown. It's like everything I said, he'd have a smart alec comment to say back. He was ridiculous and I just gave up after that. He tried to throw some bread crumbs every few mos or so, but I never responded. It wasn't until this confession letter I got last month that really wrecked me. I find that I am back at square one and it's so hard to block it out of my head. I'm actually looking back at the details and matching up timelines to think of when he cheated and lie and now it's all making sense why he was acting like an a$shole. I don't want to be thinking about this at all. I hate it.

 

It will not only make you feel horrible, it will make you appear bitter, angry, and the worst of all, like you are still thinking of him.

You're so right! I don't want to look like the psycho ex gf who is tearing her hair out over him. Eww! You're right!!!

 

Breaking NC always backfires. Glad you are on LS and please stick around.

Thanks! All you guys on here are really great! I am so glad I found this site and I only wish that I knew about this place 9mos ago rt after my breakup. I was a mess before. I was driving my friends crazy and no one really knew how to handle my situation. Everyone here at LS has good insight & advice! I will try to help others here as much as I can! And I'll just post here anytime I feel angry at him. Anyone reading this, NC is the only way to go!

[NoEnd_Mary]

Ugh! Just had a relapse. I was doing fine tonight until now. Went out to dinner w/fam but now I'm all alone and I feel like sh$t. I'm so sick of thinking about his bullsh$t and I wish this torture would just end already. Omg.

[betterdeal]

It's okay. We all have brain farts from time to time. It's just mental indigestion from having ingested something that doesn't agree with you. Run yourself a hot bath and relax.

[DollyGirl12]

Ugh! Just had a relapse. I was doing fine tonight until now. Went out to dinner w/fam but now I'm all alone and I feel like sh$t. I'm so sick of thinking about his bullsh$t and I wish this torture would just end already. Omg.

 

 

It's normal, try not to beat yourself up to much. Realizing what you are going through is normal doesn't always make it feel better, but at least you know you're not losing it!!

I call it riding the wave! In the beginning I use to go through these stages where I felt like I had to get the heck out of the house, think about something different. But when I was out I would feel so anxious. I would find myself in the store with tears building in my eyes. But, when I would get home I would feel so sad and alone. Knowing I'd been there before in the past, and I lived through it, helped me realize that I would to get through this.

Good luck and hang in there!

[NoEnd_Mary]

Thanks guys. I'm so glad I have this place to go to now to kick back and vent. Another thing I thought of today about my ex is that he used to be a humble and shy young buck when I first met him (or so I thought) and then after he got used to being treated well and took me for granted, everything became "ME, ME, ME, TAKE, TAKE, TAKE". What a f*cking douchebag. Sometimes when I think of how I wasted half a decade of my life with this narcissistic, compulsive lying, delusional sociopath, I just have to laugh. Sometimes I just laugh out loud to myself how ridiculous this whole thing is. Does that ever happen to you?

 

It's not even him. I don't care about him or what he's doing, it's the fact that I was taken for a fool. He's lucky he doesn't live around me, otherwise I would really try to do some damage.

[NoEnd_Mary]

I feel really horrible right now and decided to come on here and write instead of breaking down. Like I feel like I am about to BREAK DOWN! I HATE THIS! I just want to stop this torture in my heart. The betrayal is really killing me inside. WHY did he tell me he cheated on me after all this time? All this progress I made with NC for me to start all over again?! My brain is boiling rt now as I think of all the times I was nice to him, all the gifts I got him. For him to lie to my face and act like he loved me while he was cheating on me behind my back. And him pretending like he would never be one of "those" men. I am so f*cking angry.

 

I was having a good night earlier. Drank wine, made dinner, watched a movie and now I am about to sleep and I feel like sh$t. I feel like crying really hard right now b/c I feel so empty inside and angry but I won't b/c he doesn't deserve my tears and I don't want to be a mess in the morning. I want to stab him. Please tell me that karma exists.

[dreamingoftigers]

I totally hear you, what a dumb ****bag for telling you. Do you think maybe he didn't cheat and is just saying it to mind**** you?

 

You would never know, right?

[TheLoneSock]

If your goal is just to hurt them, then you break them down (point out their flaws, show them reasons they attributed to the break up, and throw past wrongs in their face) and THEN you ignore them.

 

It's ironic that this has brought back an ex on more than one occasion for me. Women...

[NoEnd_Mary]

I totally hear you, what a dumb ****bag for telling you. Do you think maybe he didn't cheat and is just saying it to mind**** you?

 

You would never know, right?

 

I don't know for sure but I DO think he cheated. B/c I started thinking back towards the end of our rel. and things were falling into place. He was working out a lot, he was very mean to me, he didn't answer his calls some nights, he became extremely vain. I also got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. I think this was the OW. According to him she wanted me to know b/c she felt bad. Now, why you would you willingly cheat with a taken man and then say you feel bad about it. Riiight. BuLLsh*t, she knew what she was doing and didn't care. A person who cheats does not have a conscience or cares about anyone else.

 

Maybe you're right. Maybe he wrote that letter in spite b/c I have ignored him for 8 mos. Maybe some parts of the letter were made up to piss me off. This letter came after Valentines Day so he must have felt guilty about the way things ended. I also don't doubt that he is jealous of my FB where I had pics of me dating new (more attractive) men. One of them was even a celebrity which was a 10,000% upgrade from him. Hell after that day, I forgot who my ex was. I'm sure this pissed him the hell off and who knows maybe that letter was partly for revenge. I don't regret the breakup b/c I know I can do much better than this piece of sh$t I just don't like being lied to. Anyway, thanks for listening, I feel so much better. Thank you LS friends.

[NoEnd_Mary]

If your goal is just to hurt them, then you break them down (point out their flaws, show them reasons they attributed to the break up, and throw past wrongs in their face) and THEN you ignore them.

 

It's ironic that this has brought back an ex on more than one occasion for me. Women...

 

Thanks. I tried to do that in the beginning. I broke NC after 2 wks and I tried to confront him and tear him up but he was acting like a clown. Like he clowned and skirted everything so I just felt it was a waste of breathe at that point and it was stupid and childish and I decided to go on strict NC which worked for me. Until this piece of sh$t letter came. He is obviously having probs letting go b/c he has tried to contact me sporadically via phone, text, emails, all of which are now blocked. Even if he isn't in love w/me I think he is having probs moving on b/c I was such a strong support system for him. Now for me, I just want to move on and stop thinking of this fool but unfortunately he has somehow managed to rent space in my brain.

[TheLoneSock]

I just felt it was a waste of breathe at that point and it was stupid and childish and I decided to go on strict NC which worked for me.

 

It is just a waste of breath. Not only because guys usually aren't effected by that kind of stuff like girls are, but there is no point in it anyway, since it is not going to help you.

 

Even if you got your revenge and had him hurting, in the end it would only make you feel worse. Don't believe me? It's your emotional funeral.

[Fufu]

Don't let him mess your head and hinder your recovery.

 

You can do better Keep it up. NC NC NC NC NC and don't think of what he said to you, they don't matter to you anymore.

[DollyGirl12]

First, the feelings you're having are normal! As I use to say to myself, ride the wave. You will feel better. You will have setbacks. This is a big setback for you. Who knows why he did it, but it was not a nice thing of him to do. This should give you even more reason not to contact him. That's exactly what he wants, to know it has affected you.

We fall in love with these men because, as you said, they are good at pretending they would never be "one of those men". If we thought they were from the beginning we wouldn't have given them a second look. I remember reading one of my ex's online dating profiles way back when we first started seeing each other. He should have been nominated "man of the year" with that one. He truly disliked liars,,,I even remember him asking me on more than one occasion if I was lying to him. Maybe paranoia because he knew he was a compulsive liar???