NC with a selfish self centered ex

[confused1989]

Has anyone gone through NC with an ex who is extremely self centered and selfish? I didn't like to label her as that, but from what everyone is telling me that's exactly what she is and I've been seeing it when I think about it.

 

My question is does NC with a self centered ex just make them hate you? Our break up was "mutual" but not really. Basically I caught her in lies about other guys or dating sites and she never did apologize, just told me I was crazy. Previous posts on LS showed me that she accused me about every 2-3 months of not "caring enough" for her. Not "loving her" enough. This stressed me out hardcore as I always did a ton for her but I kept hearing it over and over. But by all accounts I was a loyal boyfriend who showered her with attention while I would always consider her a flighty girl who was never satisfied with what she had, and got bored easily.

 

Anyway the thing is she forced me into a corner to "end it" I guess after I had tried to work things out and her words were saying she wanted it but her actions another.

 

I have another thread about my situation so for this thread I'm just wondering if anyone else has gone through NC with someone like this or abreak up with someone like this. She proudly goes around saying I dumped her so people pitty her and feel bad, although I don't really think I "dumped" her I just cut her off when she pushed me way too far.

 

Anyway I find this is the worst breakup to deal withbecause me going NC "confirms her beliefs" that I "never did love her anyway" and would never "put up a fight to be with her" (eventhough I have 3-4 times, pursued her for weeks at a time and 'won' her back on several accounts).

 

I have a feeling this is just manipulation, but part of me wonders if some people are just really so stupid that they can't accept any responsibility. They can't accept the guilt of knowing their feelings changed so they blame the other person instead.

 

Has anyone had to go through this emotional rollarcoaster? If so I would like to hear about it. This is a ridiculous breakup where basically I admitted any flaws I had (which were MINOR compared to hers) and when I did that she sh*t all over my flaws instead of listing hers and just blamed me for the breakup and told me she did no wrong. It's kind of like a war. Deep down inside I know this ended because of her actions and choices, but in her mind I'm a cold, heartless guy who is just "confirming her beliefs about me".

 

 

I guess this type of breakup leaves no room for reconciliation or friendship down the line. Thoughts? Experiences?

 

Thanks

[depplover_1980]

You have quite a few 'feelings' on this that I have noticed....I believe strongly in gut instincts, for me personally it serves as a tool. So it is about time that you begin to get in tune with your own and start having faith in your own answers a bit.

 

Not that we won't be here to help because obviously we're in it together, but I have noticed that you are stuck and I believe if you start being more intune with what your head is telling you then you'll recover quicker.

 

This girl is what I call a 'crazy b i t c h', who is indeed manipulating you and trying to involve you in her little dramas. But you are a guy and all you want is a straightforward life, free of these hassles. But you need to start realising you are the one with the power to create that freedom.

 

You are doing the right thing by cutting her off. In the long run you will be better off without a girl who wants to control not only you but the situation. Keep going strong and don't ignore those obvious feelings you get.

[El_Enamorado]

It sux. I was with me ex on Feb. 5 and everything was koo. The next day she calls me and tells me she wants to be with me and how much she Loves me and that she cant wait to live with me, but then 2-3 minutes later, she just snapps, and leaves me like if am nada. She would make me chose her over my friends and I would. But she would chose her friends over me. Hiding things from me. Going to dances, drinking, dancing with other fus. If I was to do those things, I would of been dumped instantly. What tripped me out the most, is that when I wuz out of town, with the NC, she called me late at night, after she went to a concert with another dude. To me, thats a big disrespect and rubbing it on my face. She would tell me her plans, going out with her friends, and this and that. Now that I see reality better, shes just playing games. They dont know what they want. But its all good, cause they WILL know what they had. And it'll be too late 8). I would look for her and I would get rejected and ignored. She would tell me I didnt care about her cause I wouldnt look for her. Am not just at fault. EVERYTHING falls to me. Am the worst of the worst. I would just like for her to see reality, and take a lil blame. But shes too full of pride.

[DollyGirl12]

I agree very much with depplover. There's alot of manipulation here. I think sometimes when we're stuck in the middle of it we don't clearly see it.

The one thing I learned with my breakup (similar, also caught him in lies, knew they were lies, and he continued to deny and call my psycho), is that some will turn things around and then start listing all your faults. It's almost classic behavior and very narcissistic.

One was that I did not give him back massages. Well,,,,,he had back surgery the previous year and whenever I touched his back he would tell me to just hold my hand there, in one certain spot. So, that is what I did from that point on. I was afraid of hurting him. But, had to throw that in my face. Other stuff to, but I found it holds no more importance.

What I have noticed, with people who behave this way, is that no one ever sticks around for the long haul with them. Sure, they have lots of guys or gals that they are giving attention to, but the games and lies end up catching up with them.

The bottom line, you deserve much better.

[depplover_1980]

I have not clicked on the link, but the post makes no sense and looks suspect. It may be a virus, but I could be wrong.

[confused1989]

depplover, thanks for chiming in on this, I read a lot of your other posts and I was hoping you would give me some input eventually.

 

You're right, I'm stuck, and a part of the reason why I'm stuck is all I'm left with from the breakup is guilt as I was manipulated into thinking this is all my fault and I did something terrible. It's really easy to be stuck I guess when the reasons for your breakup aren't too clear. She treated me after the breakup as though I had cheated on her or something.

 

I am struggling, she is not. I have trouble coming to terms with what she said to me not long before I cut her off. But no point analyzing it. I find it hard to believe that she loved me as much as she says she did and is "hurting so bad" from this.

 

I know what you mean, I have to get more in tune. I'm just a bit washed up from the manipulation, I guess. She half brain washed me into thinking some things she did were normal when I didn't think they were, and made me feel psycho about it. Also a lot of contradictions. For every nice thing she said about me, she'd later say the opposite, and I mean about everything. Or her reasons for "losing feelings" for me. She'd say them and then later say the opposite, that they weren't issues.

 

You are right, all I want is a straightforward life with no drama. I'm never involved in any drama and right now this is probably the hardest point in my life so far.

 

Thanks a bunch, controlling me and the situation is definitely spot on and definitely what she wanted to do, and it wasn't fair. I recall once I had a night in with the boys to play some XBOX and have a few beer and she made me feel bad for playing it. Told me she doesn't want a boyfriend who plays XBOX. It got to the point where if I didn't shave the right way, or do my hair a certain way, I was getting a mouth full from her. She would throw out shirts of mine that she didn't like. She would come to my apartment only to criticize the way things were organized, or a mess my roommate had made, and she would take that out on me.

 

I definitely feel like crap sometimes knowing I spent this amount of time of my life with someone who didn't love me for me. She tried to change so much about me and I don't know how I stayed in it. Brainwashed I guess.

 

 

hey El_Enamorado, your situation sounds a LOT like mine. I recall comments such as "why are you gone with your friends? the important person is right here?" and things like that. Now my ex didn't give me much time to spend with her, she chose to put priority on her friends and 5 million other hobbies, and I also recall times when I did get a night in with her (which was rare) she would feel guilty if her friends were out doing something, and she would LEAVE and go with them for a few hours, then come back. It sucked a lot sometimes and my confidence took a hit everytime she did that. We would be supposed to order pizza and watch a movie or something and she'd show up and say she'll be back in a few hours. And everything else you said in your post is the same crap I have been going through, "don't care enough" and all that crap and telling me she'll find someone who cares.

 

Dolly, nope I definitely realize I'm not seeing things straight. It's hard with the emotional connection I still have for her. That is very true. my ex was so selfish as to expect 2 hour massages from me almost everytime we hung out. We couldn't just lie there, I'd always have to be massaging something until my hands went dead. When I got tired she would tell me to keep going and get mad if I didn't. Oh and I got nothing in return from any of that. At first I liked doing it but it got a little out of hand sometimes.

 

It's like they have to list all your flaws to convince themselves that they're better than you. It's sad. Why is the only way they can make themselves feel better is by bringing us down?

 

I honestly can't see her lasting too long with other people, as you've said. She loves the honeymoon phase and the beginnings, she likes putting the FB relationship status up and put me on her display picture and all that, she loved all the excitement. THen she gets bored. She gets bored easily. Bored with me, bored wiht her friends. She's never satisfied. High maintenance, although anytime I'd buy her something she would say money doesn't show love. But I know she is high maintenence. Always needing to travel somewhere, always needing to spend hours getting ready, buying clothes everyday, making me drive because I had a nice car, etc.

 

I'm hoping just to get through today and this weekend, the weekends are the worst. Hoping so much too to one day finally be freed of all this anger and hatred I have for her right now and to just have her out of my mind completely.

Edited March 26, 2011 by confused1989

[DollyGirl12]

Youwill get through today, and the weekend, and the next weekend, because you have to. Whether you have to post her 100 times, or just read posts, or go out and do something, start a project, you will get through it. The first month for me was the hardest. I really didn't want to do anything. I knew I would never take him back again, but I still didn't feel good.

Selfishness is a hard thing to deal with and you start thinking about all the selfish things they did. But do we really want to be with someone like that?

My ex was disabled, severe back injury, so I gave up alot of the "normal" stuff. Last year I was at his house (he lives with is mother,,,YEAH I KNOW!!!), and his doctor had changed him from percoset (sp?) to morphine, because of his liver levels. Wow is all I can say. I got there on Sat. and we went to his sisters bday party. We could only stay for about an hour because of how he was feeling. Got back to his house and he was so loopy. Fell asleep. I was ok with it because I knew it was a drastic change. I was understanding. The next morning I woke up and he was still pretty much out of it. I wasn't comfortable enough at his moms to go down and help myself to things in the fridge. He wouldn't get up to come down with me to even make toast. I then mentioned to him that his sister had asked me to join her at a "girls" lunch. His comment to me was that I was there to see him and why would I think about going out with someone else. Now, I wasn't talking about meeting another guy for lunch!!!!! LOL. Sooo, I spent the entire day sitting in his room watching him sleep....YAY FUN!!! He would not get up at all. Had nothing to eat the entire day and had a 2 1/2 hour drive home that evening. By the time I left I felt completely sick.

When I really thought about it I couldn't imagine the attitude of not wanting me to go to lunch with his sister. If the situation had been reversed, and I had a brother who asked him to lunch, I would have been thrilled for him. How nice that a family member would have been so thoughtful. Unfortunately not the way he thought. He wanted someone around 24/7, night and day, day and night. I guess if I had done that maybe he wouldn't have been hounding people on craigslist. LOL! Nope, way to selfish for me!

[Rose T]

I honestly can't see her lasting too long with other people, as you've said. She loves the honeymoon phase and the beginnings, she likes putting the FB relationship status up and put me on her display picture and all that, she loved all the excitement. THen she gets bored. She gets bored easily. Bored with me, bored wiht her friends. She's never satisfied. High maintenance, although anytime I'd buy her something she would say money doesn't show love. But I know she is high maintenence. Always needing to travel somewhere, always needing to spend hours getting ready, buying clothes everyday, making me drive because I had a nice car, etc.

 

 

Confused, the NC rule was made for selfish exes who are used to instant gratification! Honestly, if she's used to getting her own way and used to you playing ball, then your NC will bother her hugely, but in the right way. The manipulation's over, thank goodness, including all that nonsense and dual standards about you having to fight for her / make sacrifces when she wasn't prepared to. I know you feel that you're struggling and she's fine, well, there's a lot more going on under the surface, and people who seem to get easily bored often have a fear of being alone, facing themselves, managing by themselves.

 

I know you feel a bit crappy right now, but in the posts above you've given so many reasons not to be with this person. Do you know how many selfless and caring girls there are out there? So so many! Maybe you like to look after people, so its not always a characteristic you seek in a partner, but finding someone who has as big a capacity for patience and kindness as yourself would probably be much more rewarding in the long run. Stay dignified, keep your chin up, ignore any mudslinging, and you will get through this. Time for a new start. It's going to be a good one.

[DollyGirl12]

Confused, the NC rule was made for selfish exes who are used to instant gratification! Honestly, if she's used to getting her own way and used to you playing ball, then your NC will bother her hugely, but in the right way. The manipulation's over, thank goodness, including all that nonsense and dual standards about you having to fight for her / make sacrifces when she wasn't prepared to. I know you feel that you're struggling and she's fine, well, there's a lot more going on under the surface, and people who seem to get easily bored often have a fear of being alone, facing themselves, managing by themselves.

 

I know you feel a bit crappy right now, but in the posts above you've given so many reasons not to be with this person. Do you know how many selfless and caring girls there are out there? So so many! Maybe you like to look after people, so its not always a characteristic you seek in a partner, but finding someone who has as big a capacity for patience and kindness as yourself would probably be much more rewarding in the long run. Stay dignified, keep your chin up, ignore any mudslinging, and you will get through this. Time for a new start. It's going to be a good one.

 

 

Right on,,,this is perfect. They are use to getting instant gratification. One thing I found, after everything happened with my ex, was the crappy things he did to his ex previous to me. He would give her the cold shoulder for days, ignore her, then he'd send her something going on and on about all her faults and how she was not marriage material, that he couldn't have a future with her. He would have her in tears and then they would meet to "talk". Things would be ok for a while, then the same thing would repeat.

I'll tell ya, the first time a guy ever told me I was not marriage material it would be adios to him!!! He was also on online dating sites while he was with her. He was probably the most selfish man a woman could ever be with but sells himself as not being like other men, caring, etc. It takes a while for the real him to come out.

But as you said, the ones who become easily bored have a problem being alone, facing themselves, and managing themselves. So very true!!!!

[betterdeal]

She's talking utter sh*t. The reason you feel guilty is that someone you let get close to you choose to make you feel guilty, and by virtue of it being someone you trusted, your inner self, your inner child, took it to heart.

 

There's no-one to blame for a difficult relationship being dissolved. It's often the best way to get out of harms way. The intentional harm she has thrust on you in the form of blame and guilt just goes to show how your sense of self-preservation managed to get you away from this harmful substance.

 

Now you need to reprogramme or reassure your inner child to know that you are a good person, you did the right thing, and her hate is her problem, not yours.

 

I've been there, with a BPD sufferer, (which your ex sounds like) and I assure you, you are doing the right thing and she doesn't know what she's talking about.

[fetish]

The last months of my recent relationship, i was noticing how selfish and manipulative my ex was. She may have loved me the best way she knew how, but she loved herself way more.

 

My ex doesn't have any sense of fair game. When there was things she didn't want me doing like hanging out late, not answering my phone, driving a certain way, she would let me have it and i tried to care enough to where i didn't repeat those things. But when the tables are turned, she didn't compromise. She began to hang out in casinos/gamerooms almost every night after work and driving us further apart. And she wouldn't answer her phone or text messages. When i mentioned it to her, i guess her bipolar/manipulation disorder kicks in and she tries to deflect my attention away from the issue at hand. When i don't react the way she wants, she flips out and moves out. She never accepted respoinsibility for the role she played in this b/u, she just continues to blame me for all my shortcomings (which were very small compared to hers)

 

Now she thinks she can rewrite this relationship on her terms and hopes we can still do the same things we used to while we're in our own separate places. She didn't respect our realtionship or engagement enough to modify her behavior, but she now wants the both of both worlds. She wants to be free to do what she wants while still being ablle to enjoy the perks of a relationship. Not good enough. And on top of it, she wants me to contact her for the next date since she contacted me for our last meet up. She moved out! She put our relationship in this position all because she didn't want to deal with the problems. Now i'm supposed to chase after her? This girl got some nerve.

 

NC is for my own protection. When i don't comply to what she wants, she just tries to make me feel guilty by saying i don't care and love her anymore. It works. I feel guilty because i feel i'm hurting someone i still love. But as manipulative as she was/is, i have to realize that i have to put myself first, which is something I haven't done in a long time.

[El_Enamorado]

CONFUSED1989. Yeah, its a trip. Like, at times when she would go out with her friends, she would turn of her celly. See, something was wrong there. She told me that her friends would tell her to turn of her celly so that I wouldnt ruin her night. Why would u listen to your friends? She cares more about what her friends would tell her than I did. Its ok. I aint even trippin anymore. At times, I feel like a roller coaster. I start to get kinda sad, but am strong enough and I dont let it get to me. Thank GOD that when I start feeling like that, something pops up and I end up doing something. I end up forgettin about everything. I would show up to her pad, with gifts, flowers, cards, letters, etc. Sometimes she would like them, sometimes she wouldnt. I bought her a nice promise ring, and she told me that she lost it. I think she threw it away. Its ok, cause its hers. Shes very selfish. She comes back, kicks it with me, then tells meI havent changed. I have and she knows it. I told her, U havent changed, and she said that if I dont like it, theres the road. LIKE THAT. She didnt like my friends, so she would make me chose. She would talk smack about her co-workers to me, but then she goes and tell her co-workers smack about me. Trying to make herself look good. I just let her. It ALL comes back 8)...

[2011]

Confused

 

I went through pretty much the same thing she could never face me and talk she just flaked out and when I arrived and confronted her, as she damn well deserved, she went all little miss nice and couldn't handle it. She was stuck in a shell and couldn't handle me or what I was saying, she could not handle anything. She wanted to finish it but couldn't actually do it, so I had to do it for her. She then said no I still want to see you after all she said and all the hints she dropped, basically just trying to keep me in the loop as a friend, or a plaything, then cut me off when it was convenient to her.

 

I would do one thing and that is never ever contact her again. If she gets back - ever - tell her where to shove it.

 

2011

[Sugarkane]

Hi your breakup sounds alot like the one I went through last year. My ex has a reputation as being extremely selfish. Unfortunately I didn't know to what extent, until it was too late. He never gave me a clear reason for the breakup and it was completely out of the blue. I pressed for answers, but all I got that everything was my fault and insults that didn't make sense. He wouldn't even see me face to face and talk to me. To this day I don't know what went wrong. He completely cut me off. He never contacted me once. Pretty sad really, this is the person I used to share a bed with.

 

I hope you stay in NC and never take this girl back, no matter what.

[confused1989]

Hi guys thanks for all your replies. I didn't come on this for the past few days and I was pretty proud of myself for not having anything new to post here and was proud that I was just getting by.

 

Well today I am in pain again. I am due to present findings from my study on Wednesday at my college in front of 100-200 people so that is a huge thing for me that I'm looking forward to a lot. I was in college today in the library adding final touches to my presentation and what do I know...... I feel a tap on my back and there she is, my ex. She was smiling and asking me how things were going and complaining about how much work she had etc. She looked a little shaky towards the end of it but I kept my cool and just smiled back and was polite without giving her too much at all.

 

She said she is looking forward to seeing my presentation on Wednesday, and that was about it then she went off to her class. The whole conversation lasted probably 1-2 minutes.

 

Anyway I have mixed emotions about this. Firstly it was a week ago today that I asked her to stop talking to me altogether, yet she still texted me a few times last week regardless. And now she approaches me in the library when I'm clearly busy, I don't know I just find it gutsy after telling her not to talk to me.

 

I'm hurting...... it feels like my whole life changed so fast. I mean in a few weeks I was supposed to be lying on a beach with her on vacation, and now she's going alone. On top of this she has a million new people in her life, new priorities, and she's making bold decisions such as going away for the summer to party and work and be closer to her new friends at that place that she keeps going to on the weekend to party 8 hours away from where we live.

 

 

This is just so hard. There are a lot of things I love about her, adn all it would have taken was for her to respect me more and make me a priority, because a lot of other aspects of our relationship was good.

 

I don't know what to think, I'm so frustrated. She is acting so different and making so many bold moves, I'm having such a hard time accepting this and letting go.

[butterfly2011]

Wow we all sound like we have been manipulated by the ones we love. When they choose their friends over the love that was supposed to be a lifetime.....something is wrong..

 

I get the same thing....catch him in a lie and I'm the crazy one and he never owns up to the lie. Don't people know that lies hurt bad? WOW....some people just don't care. And Dolly you are right, they play the game and end up on the losing team everytime. We all deserve better. Look at us, we are seeking to become better people while they continue the game. We all deserve better, we all deserve true love.

[confused1989]

The timing of this sucks the most. Knowing that she's going on "our" trip together in a few weeks is devastating. On top of that, the fact that she will likely be gone for the whole summer is also disappointing and makes me feel ultra rejected.

 

I am having a hard day today. Seeing her made me want her back and miss her, but I know I can't unless there are a million changes made. She's also stubborn, and I know NC is making her beleive I don't care. But from my viewpoint, if she's going to make all these bold and blunt decisions she definitely isn't waiting around for me and is possibly already moved on.

 

Any more insight to my previous post?

[TheLoneSock]

I was in college today in the library adding final touches to my presentation and what do I know...... I feel a tap on my back and there she is, my ex. She was smiling and asking me how things were going and complaining about how much work she had etc. She looked a little shaky towards the end of it but I kept my cool and just smiled back and was polite without giving her too much at all.

 

The three bolded things are the keys here.

 

1) She was putting up a facade, a front of happiness (just as you were). Ok, nothing wrong with that. But what does that tell you? That she's human, and she's also hurting, she just doesn't want to show it.

 

2) Just a snapshot of her personality here, not only is she lazy about work; but she also focuses on the negative for lack of something more interesting to say - boring.

 

3) Reiteration of #1

 

Odd how much you can find out about a person in 30 seconds, isn't it?

 

Just more of the same bud, her coming up to you like that was solely for her - it had nothing to do with you. She needed to say hi, she needed you to see her, she needed the chance to put up that front and she probably also wanted to make you extra nervous about your presentation, reminding you that she'll be watching. Manipulation and selfishness, more of the same. This may sound like a cynical analysis, but when it comes down to it this is exactly what it is.

 

Needless to say you're going to KILL this presentation and do an awesome job. I know you will, because you deserve to and you need to. For you though, not for her or anyone else.

 

Brush today off and take it only for what it's worth, which isn't much. Not worth nearly enough to effect you, so don't let it.

[confused1989]

LoneSock,

 

That all makes sense. It's really true when people here say that when you're in NC and your ex contacts you it's really easy to over analyze it.

 

True, nothing positive really came from it. She did try to make me nervous for my presentation, I think. She said something like "you have that many slides? you're going to have to make sure you fly through it quickly then!"

 

And I think she was just looking for sympathy when she mentioned that she had a lot of work to do. She's contacted me 3 or 4 times in the past week and 2 of those times she was hoping a sympathetic response from me which she didn't get. Hard to do though because I actually do care.

 

I trust your analysis, you gave me good advice before, and I admit it's hard to see things clearly when you're blinded by love sometimes.

 

She definitely did do it for herself. She went out of her way to come up and approach me when I was back on and otherwise would not have noticed her, and this is a bold move when I already asked her to stop talking to me 7 days ago and she has contacted me every couple of days since.

 

Yup, I made sure I put a lot of extra effort into this presentation, so I can go up there and feel awesome about what I'm doing, and feel awesome when it's over, and she can sit there and realize what she's missing out on. It will be an ego boost for me hopefully.

 

Thanks, I had thoughts of contacting her after this, and needed to come on here and get this story off my chest so that I wouldn't end up contacting her.

 

But for my own sanity hopefully she will respect me enough to not go out of her way to come talk to me anymore, unless she is willing to make 500 changes to herself which I don't think is going to happen.

[TheLoneSock]

unless she is willing to make 500 changes to herself which I don't think is going to happen.

 

That's the spirit.

 

Now you're starting to think like a winner. You are going to win in the end of all this, even though that 9 pound hammer attached to your heart might not make it feel like so.

[confused1989]

I know, you're right, I will win at the end of all of this. I am slowly starting to accept that she won't be back. Well, she'll be back to make sure we're still on good terms, but that's all. That's one thing I noticed. She went out with a guy for 3.5 years in highschool and they ended on bad terms (he left her for her best friend) and I have seen numerous times where she has gone out of her way to go up and be friendly to him, have a conversation etc. She only does it when the girlfriend isn't around though which is odd to me, but whatever I never made a big deal of it. He looks very uncomfortable and awkward when it happens, like he doesn't want to be around her at all, but she can't be on bad terms with anyone, she gets upset and stressed out if someone doesn't like her.

 

That's why I have to tell myself not to read into anything. She has problems coping with breakups, I think, and she wants the person to still shatter her with attention and needs to be on good terms even when it's kind of hard to be.

 

She's not making this breakup any easier on me, that's for sure. SHe was always a wild party girl but she's being one even moreso now, and rubbing everything in my face.

 

I don't think she has once stopped and thought about her actions and the fact that they are destroying me (although I don't know if she knows this or not), or the fact that we plan a trip halfway across the world then we break up a month later, blames me for the breakup and goes on the trip by herself after telling me she couldn't dream of going without me.

 

Oh man.. if only we could fix people.

 

Edit: I guess I should also realize that although this has been 2 months of contact and hell since the break up it's really only been 7 days since NC, and even then she has spoke to me in person this morning and sent me texts every couple of days. I guess I just have to give it time. This past week has felt like an eternity.

[confused1989]

You know what I also want to vent a little here now that it's on my mind.

 

I don't understand how someone can be so contradictory. We are both young so I have come to conclude that she don't know what she wants. I don't know what has happened in her past because I only met her in college. But there are a few things I have noticed.

 

Firstly, I have realized through her and her friends that she has ALWAYS been with someone. The guy for 3.5 years which I mentioned in the previous post, and she says there was a "grey area" in that relationship where something else happened. Her friends are convinced she cheated but no one knows for sure. She doesn't come across as a cheating type to me (has a guilty conscience) but then again she's also ridiculously selfish sometimes. I have seen 4-5 of her close friends be disgusted with her actions at parties and "turn" on her for a few hours. It was hard to watch, but I have seen instances for sure where her friends aren't too happy with her behavior and selfishness. And what does she do when she realizes this is happening? SHe bawls her eyes out and goes to any length to apologize and make sure her friends are happy. What would she do when it was me instead of her friends? Nothing. Blame me.

 

Anyway after that breakup it seemed like she went through many flings that failed, and isn't on good terms with any of the guys that these flings involved, they pretend she doesn't even exist when they're ever in the same room together.

 

I know a couple of guys who got screwed up from her and got into drugs after they dated for a month or so, but I'm not sure exactly why just that she has a "heartbreaker" reputation around here.

 

She even came on super strong to me. The first time I met her she was buying me drinks at the bar and came up and hugged me before I even knew who she was, she just happened to be at our house party and she didn't even stand out to me so it was kind of odd. But she chased me and persisted like crazy and it attracted me, but then when she had me I didn't matter anymore.

 

It's like she is always desperate for someone to fill that void, she needs somebody. But then when she gets them she needs to be in control of what happens, or thats how I see it anyway. It's very odd to me. She's desperate for someone but when she gets them she doesn't respect them, and acts independent and makes a lot of demands I find. But then when that person is gone she's already on the hunt for someone else. A mutual friend told me she wouldn't leave me unless she had someone else lined up. Not sure if I believe that or not, but this friend has known her longer than I have.

 

My ex told me before that she wasn't the relationship type in general, and that I must have been pretty special for her to be in a relationship with me. It's like she needs a guy but doesn't and I don't understand it. Her FB profile even said "the only relationship that matters is the one you have with yourself" which is true I'm sure but she goes overboard with it, always put me behind everything else because she assumed we wouldn't work out I guess. She went overboard with the mentality that your friends will always be there for you, so f**k the boyfriend around sometimes. I think it's hard being in a relationship with a girl who goes overboard with that mentality. Am I seeing that wrong?

 

She is just overly selfish. We double dated at a cabin one time and her and the other couple went geocaching and left me in the cabin by myself without even telling me where they were going. I would have loved to have gone. When I brought this up to her she said "are you serious? you have no reason to be disappointed over that." And maybe I didn't, but she didn't even consider how I felt, and that happened a lot in our relationship.

 

 

Anyway that's just another rant. I don't even know if any of that made sense.

Edited March 28, 2011 by confused1989

[Sugarkane]

I don't think she has once stopped and thought about her actions and the fact that they are destroying me (although I don't know if she knows this or not), or the fact that we plan a trip halfway across the world then we break up a month later, blames me for the breakup and goes on the trip by herself after telling me she couldn't dream of going without me.

 

QUOTE]

From my own experiences dumpers rarely do think/care how it affects the OP. Just as long as they lay the blame on the dumpee and make themselves feel better. Thats all they seem to care about.

[confused1989]

Yeah, I agree.

 

Well I got my closure today. She told me she's moved on. I was drove nuts about "our" trip and the fact that I had kept trying to cancel it but kept holding on to hope that something would happen in the next few weeks and we'd end up going.

 

So what did I do? I texted her. Now you might all crap on me for that, but in a way I feel better now. She told me to cancel my ticket, said she doesn't feel bad about the fact that I won't be going with her. I told her that was fine, and to have some consideration for how I'm feeling and to let me heal and not go out of her way to approach me anymore.

 

I'm a bit bummed that a week of NC has made her realize that she does not love me, but that's life.

 

I'm not going to lie, I have been trying to move forward but at the same time I was having hopes that she would eventually come back to me.

 

Well, now I know she won't be, so I guess I have a bit of closure.

 

So what did I learn from all of this?

 

- Well, first of all I should have paid more attention to the red flags during our relationship. There was one time in 1.5 years that she did something for me, and that was she surprised me with a birthday cake at a restaurant she took me to. Got the waitress to bring it out. Yeah, that's probably the "best" thing she's ever done for me. Only time she ever "went out of her way". I can't think of anything else. I paid 99.9% of the time if we ever did anything where money was involved, and we're both students so that sucked sometimes. I did all the driving. I was close to her family, she wasn't to mine. She had everythign given to her by me and meanwhile I got little in return.

 

- Another thing I learned is not to spend so much time and effort on someone who is so inconsistent. Like I mentioned before, for every nice thing she'd say about me she'd later say the opposite. I shouldn't have been with someone who criticized my every move. Also she could love you more than anything one day, and the next day be cold and distant. Never knew what I was going to get when I woke up.

 

- Don't go out with somebody who can't make their own decisions. She was heavily influenced by her friends and family to the point where they made all the decisions for her, this was clear to me. She didn't know how to say "no" to anyone but me, and I learned this is not a good thing.

 

- If she makes all your friends and random guys sound better than you, than she probably means it even if she says she's just joking.

 

- If I had my time back, I just wouldn't have invested so much in her. I wouldnt have gave her as much as I did. I would rather her be picky and dump me for giving her the same amount she gave me after 2 months of our relatonship than be in the position I'm in now, where I gave my all, she gave very little, she's going around with an ego and moving on and I'm stuck here suffering.

 

-Last and I guess this is the most important thing I learned, if someone tells you they don't feel the same anymore and says it to "make you chase them" then you might as well just give up anyway. I wasted the past 2 months trying to ge back with her and all I did was get hurt over and over. Did I mention she only told me she didn't feel the same after I caught her in a huge lie? I Believed the words she said when she said I was ideal and the dream boyfriend she always wanted. Kept tellng me I was "in her plans" whether I realized it or not. ALl it took was for her to go out of town for 2 weekends partying for all of this to change. I am 99% convinced she has hooked up or atleast met somebody else.

 

I find it very hard to give girls a chance after stuff like this happens.

Edited March 29, 2011 by confused1989

[confused1989]

Well my ex keeps texting me, but it's only ever to congratulate me or wish me good luck on something.

 

For instance that presentation that I mentioned before.. well I rocked it and got a standing ovation and she texted me after and told me how impressed and proud she was of me. I said thanks.

 

Well a few days later and she hears I have a big test in school and she texts me saying good luck again.

 

Do I keep saying "thanks" to these? It's all she ever says when she texts me, it's weird. It's like she's trying to be nice and stuff.. but I can't help but notice that 3-4 of her friends have deleted me off of Facebook. These people used to love me and respect me a lot, so I know she is not speaking very highly of me to her friends at the moment for them to change their thoughts.

 

To be honest, it doesn't matter to me how many of her friends delete me though. I know the people who are important know what I'm really about and if my ex wants to make me sound low then that is her decision.

 

Oh, I'd also like to point out that she also ridiculously went out of her way today to rub it in my face that she's moving away for 8 weeks this summer to party. She saw me talking to a mutual friend, came up and randomly just brought it up out of no where to the mutual friend. Anyway I just walked away and didn't let it bother me although deep down inside it really did. She texted me the "good luck on your test" right after I walked away.

 

 

So back to the point.. do I just keep saying "thanks" and be indifferent about it, or what?

 

Or just keep deleting them?