NC with a selfish self centered ex

[betterdeal]

Mate, it sounds a right confusing mess. Neither of you is gaining anything from this, and it sounds like you're both still concerned about the other more than is healthy. The point of splitting up is to separate, physically, emotionally, financially, socially, in all ways.

 

If you like, think of it as a break. A time for both of you to do your own things. The future is a mystery, so don't make any unrealistic promises or declarations - especially to yourself. You can even tell her you see it as a break and that means no contact for at least X months / weeks / days / years. Then stick to it: change your mobile number and disconnect from all her friends and her on all social media.

 

In the freedom and space you gain from doing this for yourself, I recommend you read up on boundaries and protecting the inner self.

[depplover_1980]

Confused, sorry I've taken a while to come back to you again. Glad to help you of course.

 

Right you absolutely continue to delete these messages. What you are now experiencing is the behaviour of someone who is losing control; you are no longer playing to her ball game, so she is bombarding you with messages and even approached you about your presentation.

 

Do not be fooled for a second that this is because she wants you back, she simply wants control of the situation back. Again do not mistake these actions.

 

You know what you have to do and as I always say 'the right things to do is the opposite of what you want to do' so you continue going, you keep building and building. I think you have got loads stronger than when you first posted, so well done. I mean that because it's a slooow climb!

[TheLoneSock]

She's losing it, literally. She can't figure out why her manipulation isn't working on you and it's flustering her, she wants power over you but has no idea how to get it - so this is now her desperation. It has nothing to do with you, it's more selfishness from her.

 

I think it's nearing that time where you need to start flat out ignoring most of these texts. Replying to every one, even with a thanks or other short response, is getting you no where personally. Start to ease off your contact with her, do your best not to respond to her anymore. Technically you are in low contact with her right now, but you don't have to be. Obviously you're not in the same friendly circle with her anymore, with her friends deleting you off of facebook or whatever, so that's no longer a concern. The only thing keeping you from being in complete NC is that you have class together, but even that can be tackled. Only speak to her when you have to - as in when she is in the flesh in front of you, or any other time she forces you to. When it comes to texting, emailing or calling, you have the power to ignore her and so you should. It's time to start phasing her out now, rapidly if you can.

 

That whole scene about the 8 week vacation was just pathetic on her part. Have her phased out completely by the time she leaves, it will do you a WORLD of good, and will F with her head a lot while she's gone partying and what not.

 

You're doing extremely well and you're getting stronger by the day. Grats on your presentation. KEEP it up bud. You are unstoppable.

[confused1989]

betterdeal, I see exactly what you're saying. Neither of us gains from what she's saying. It doesn't make me feel better and it doesn't make me feel worse. I am still obviously concerned about how she's doing, but she doesn't know this as I don't initiate any kind of communication with her, I'm just on the receiving end all of the time. I agree that a breakup means separating in every which way.

 

I reminded her last week that we shouldn't be talking, and that I need to heal. I told her to respect that, but we haven't gone a solid 3-4 days yet since I said this without me receiving some kind of contact from her. I initially said we should stop talking about 2 weeks ago I think it was.

 

depplover, no problem, I am just appreciative that you take the time to reply to my threads.

 

You are right, and I am not mistaking these actions at all. I know some people on here would be wondering "am I getting a second chance??" "Is she coming back??" but for me it's more like, "She doesn't want to be with me, so why can't she just leave me alone."

 

You are right. She probably does want control of the situation back, but I'm not sure what it is she even wants. She either wants me around as a friend, which I already said many times can't happen right now, or on the backburner incase there aren't 500 million guys waiting to date her like she thought. The thing is I know she doesn't want to be with me right here and right now, and she probably never will want to. Or atleast that's what I've been assuming lately.

 

I am also not blind to the fact that this is the first time in 3 weeks that she didn't take off on a road trip partying. It's a bit ironic that her communication attempts to me have gone up now that she's probbably bored.

 

You are right depplover, I know I have to do the opposite of what I want to do. It's very hard, I feel like I'm definitely making progress and moving forward but it's still hard ignoring someone you care about. I just wish she wouldn't initiate at all, then I wouldn't have to ignore in the first place. That's why I told her to let me move on several times. I don't hate her, and don't want her to think I do, but she's the type of person who will assume that if I keep ignoring. But hey, that's her own fault I guess because I did politely ask her to leave me alone for a while.

 

LoneSock, you're right this is probably more selfishness. She is used to having me there when she wants to, doing what she wants to, etc. She has a guilty conscience for sure, she knows she had a good relationship with me from her point of view, and she is struggling at times that I'm not there anymore. She knows I did 29304092390324 things for her and I do believe she is struggling sometimes not having everything done for her and being showered with attention, etc. However I know this doesn't have anything to do with me or her wanting me.

 

I will do my best not to respond, and I have been trying hard. Sorry for the misunderstanding, we don't actually have class together, we go to the same small university but I manage to avoid her 99% of the time. The only problem is I have one class that is right after one of hers which is in the same room so sometimes when I'm going in to class she's on her way out, which is when she rubbed the 8 week vacation thing in my face.

 

Thanks guys it's wicked to have advice and support here. I have come a long way in this short time. I know I have a long way to go but I'm glad that I've been laying off the booze (unlike her) and not looking to hook up (unlike her) and I've just been around my friends and family a lot more and doing a few hobbies that I haven't done lately. I feel like in general my social life has gone down a bit but I know I can get back out there when I want, I don't have to rush it.

 

 

 

Since I wrote my previous post she did message me again, this time saying (at 9:30 on a Friday night) "Hey, do you have a minute to help me with something?"

 

I'm pretty sure it was about school work. We're the same major but I'm a year ahead of her and almost graduated and I tutored / was a teaching assistant for a couple of her classes last year and this fall.

 

Not going to lie, I'm disappointed that not only can't she leave me alone (which I angrily asked for the first time and politely reminded her earlier this week) but she's still asking me for help. I put a lot of time into helping her with whatever she needed when we were together, school work and all. One time I recall I was supposed to help just her, but she invited half her class without telling me so I did help them when I didn't need to (outside of school hours) and stayed up till 7 AM afterwards writing my own paper.

 

Anyway, just can't believe she would expect me on a Friday night to tutor her over the phone. She makes a lot of gutsy/bold moves that's for sure.

[betterdeal]

Turn it around - you keep communicating with her. You do this by keeping your channels open to her and by absorbing what she says. You asked her to be the strong one and she's failed to observe that request. Now you are the only person left who can do that. Disconnect, disengage, desist. Stop taking this sh*t, stop poking the wound by choosing to keep reading / listening to her messages.

[depplover_1980]

I was going to say this, but already done. Time to dig your heels in further now. You really have come so far since you first came to LS and you're only getting stronger - next step is to work towards fully accepting it is over, as once you do this you won't even feel guilty anymore. She made (and continues to make) her choice.

 

Turn it around - you keep communicating with her. You do this by keeping your channels open to her and by absorbing what she says. You asked her to be the strong one and she's failed to observe that request. Now you are the only person left who can do that. Disconnect, disengage, desist. Stop taking this sh*t, stop poking the wound by choosing to keep reading / listening to her messages.

[TheLoneSock]

Not going to lie, I'm disappointed that not only can't she leave me alone (which I angrily asked for the first time and politely reminded her earlier this week) but she's still asking me for help.

 

Anyway, just can't believe she would expect me on a Friday night to tutor her over the phone. She makes a lot of gutsy/bold moves that's for sure.

 

The things I've bolded are things that show me the problem here... she still doesn't respect you. So unfortunately this here:

 

I will do my best not to respond, and I have been trying hard.

 

isn't going to cut it.

 

Again, I will reiterate what I said man - you have to phase her out completely now, and with PURPOSE. What would I do if I were you?

 

Ignore her for a day. A WHOLE day. Do not give, do not slip, do not respond to her. The next day, if she continues, either tell or text her this message:

 

"****, I want you to stop contacting me. Period. We are done, over with, and by your decision. I am moving forward now and I don't want to hear from you any more. Do not text me, call me, email me, or talk to me when you see me. I don't want anything to do with you. Thanks for understanding, good luck."

 

Do this, and mean it when you say it (without being emo), and you will be thanking me later. This girl has zero respect for you, and unless you smack some sense into her she never will. She trashed your heart, ended your relationship, basically told you that you aren't good enough for her, and then makes partying plans and explores hook up options? And then keeps talking to you, meanwhile you feed her while she does this by allowing it?

 

It's time for you to cut her off completely. Yes, it will take some major cojones to do so, but if you don't she will only continue to have NO respect for you and she will never feel sexually, emotionally, or otherwise attracted to you again. It's time to sink her battleship man, just do it already. And do it before she goes on vacation so she can stew on it the whole time. You DESERVE so much better than what you're getting right now.

[confused1989]

What you guys are saying is true. But I would like to point out that in the past couple of weeks the only communication we have had was me telling her to basically leave me alone and let me move on. Other than that she has approached me a couple of times and has sent "good lucks" mostly, to which I did respond "thanks" a few hours afterwards (mistake, I know) but it didn't set me back any. I guess she just got the impression that she could communicate with me further after that. When she asked me to "help her with something" the other night I didn't respond. I was actually out with friends anyway and there was no way in hell I'd ever rush to her aid and help her with homework on a Friday night after she has given me nothing but headaches for quite a while.

 

depplover, you know what, I'm finding it hard to even understand the feelings inside me right now. I know I'm not over her, but I'm not seeing her as my girlfriend anymore. My mind might be playing tricks on me though, I'm not sure. But with her constant partying and her seemingly perfect life without me it has helped me picture over and over her making out with another guy, etc. I know if I actually saw this I would be crushed, but I think I'm starting to move towards acceptance. I don't know why I feel guilty, I think it's because I know what her personality is like. Things get to her very easily, and part of me will always care about her even though I know I deserve better.

 

I honestly do not expect her to come back. It sucks but it's true. She has made plans to be away from me for this summer, I do not expect her to make any special effort to get back together with me, ever. I say this because I know how easily she gives up on guys, I know how picky she is and I know how she gets turned off when things aren't perfect all of the time, or her man isn't perfect in every which way. In her mind there are 500 million prince charmings ready to fight for her love.

 

I'll never forget the first time we had sex, I didn't last long and obviously felt bad about it, and she started crying and left me in her basement and she ran upstairs and locked herself in her room for a good half hour. That made me feel like utter ****. It made me worried as well for what would happen if other things ever went wrong, what her reaction might be. And well, my suspicions were right because for the next 1.5 years if we ever had a disagreement, no matter how big or how small, she ran away from me. She'd distance herself and make me chase her, force me to apologize or "make up" to her when I wasn't even in the wrong most of the time. Often times 3, 4, or 5 days of LC is what she would give me. And she would make sure she filled her time with friends or something else and make sure she had no time to spend with me for a while.

 

It took a toll. She wasn't exactly the most supportive girlfriend. So in the long run I know I would be constantly worried about being perfect. I was always worried about her reaction to things bceause I didn't like being kept at a distance if we ever got into a small disagreement on something. Lots of times when I had an issue with something I'd have to just keep my mouth shut and get over it myself. The times when I did voice my concerns, well I had better find things to do because she would go get drunk with her friends and leave me hanging.

 

LoneSock, She will probably never respect me. I've come to realize that. I have ignored her for many days, I have just responded with "thanks" those couple of times when she congratulated me or said good luck, but that was only once or twice. I ignored everything else she ever sent me.

 

I will make sure I cut her out completely. I have not gone a full week yet without her texting me, and I know me saying "thanks" probably only encouraged her to do so, although I thought it was a pretty neutral thing to say. Anyway I will ignore those kinds of messages too from here on out.

 

I'm going to have a grudge against her for a while anyway after throwing away my vacation with her which was basically my graduation gift and something I looked forward to immensely. Well anyway she's going to do what she wants to do. We had a lot of things planned to do while we were there so I'm sure she won't have as good of a time as she would have if I was going with her.

 

She'll be someone elses worries soon. And I'm sure they'll be put through some of the same things that I was put through.

 

Thanks people.

[TheLoneSock]

She'll be someone elses worries soon. And I'm sure they'll be put through some of the same things that I was put through.

 

Excellent fact to keep in mind.

 

Remember this:

 

"Behind every pretty face, there's a guy who's sick of dealing with her sh*t."

 

Keep coming back to this thread to read back over it any time you need your eyes re-opened to the fact that you are better off and will become a rock star in the future if you keep up the self improvement.

Edited April 3, 2011 by TheLoneSock

[Lemontang]

Dude I've just read all this and will say you've come a long way already. You've been getting some pretty sage advice here. I've gone through a very similar tale and even came out the other end.

 

But the day does come when you wake up and go "WTF? Did I just waste all that time pining over that girl?". If someone said that to me in the early days I'd just dismiss it as them being crazy. But it will eventually happen. Sure even after moving on you'll still think about her from time to time. But then I do that with most of my ex's, if only a brief passing thought.

[confused1989]

Thanks LoneSock, that's a good thing to drill in my head. I have not had a chance yet but I do plan to re-read this whole thread and the other one I made before it.

 

Lemontang, I read through your whole post and thread too and it definitely makes me feel better knowing there are other people who have gone through something similar. Infact it seems like there are so many people who have gone through something similar. And you seem to be doing awesome for yourself now from what I gathered from your thread, which gives me a lot of hope.

 

I feel like I have come a long way too in such a short time frame, I know I'm due for some setbacks eventually though but I'm having more ups than downs lately after sticking to NC and not viewing her Facebook or any of that. I really don't have a clue what she's been up to for the past few days and it feels great not knowing and not really caring as much about it.

 

I know what you mean about wasting all your time pining over them. I've done that this time, and when I sat back and thought about it I basically fought for this girl from January until March, day in and day out, and lost the battle and didn't get very far with it in the big scheme of things. So what's the point, right? And as others have pointed out to me, I have basically fought for her the entire relationship. I did all the giving, I made all the effort, and none of it was even appreciated by her. My best friends and my family has mentioned this to me several times.

 

It feels good to not have to worry about pleasing her, pleasing her friends, and pleasing her family. It's a big relief right now. It also feels good not to have someone constantly criticize me for everything I do. I do miss her, the way she was when I first met her like you said in your thread too, but I don't miss who she is now and who she was towards the end of our relationship. I don't miss walking on eggshells from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to sleep.

 

I'm a laid back guy too, I don't have much drama in my life but the times when I would have appreciated some support from her and wanted her to be there for me she wasn't anyway. So it's not like I'm missing something in that sense.

 

LS really helps a lot, I read somewhere else on here where a female poster said after a breakup that female dumpers don't dwell or get down much on what happened. I don't necessarily think that this is always true, but I do indeed think my EX is definitely looking forward to all the exciting parties and men in her future. Accepting that has helped me a great deal. Because accepting that has stopped me from waiting around, and it has drilled in my head the fact that she isn't losing sleep over me.

 

Tons of reflection and space has also helped me. Like I mentioned before, a ton of red flags during the relationship. Atleast 3-4 instances where we almost broke up, and atleast 3-4 major instances where she distanced herself greatly (for weeks) for what I thought was to force me to break up with her. Because it was obvious she couldn't say the words to do it but her actions often showed it.

 

Accepting all this has given me closure. I guess I have more respect for myself than I thought, and my feelings are SLOWLY changing. I don't want to give anyone the impression that I'm over her, and I fully expect myself to get stuck in ruts sometime soon, because I am not as depressed as I was a few weeks ago and I find that odd.

 

I guess in a way her methods of getting over me are helping me to get over her too as I'm seeing her act differently.

 

On another bright note, the semester will be over soon and I'll be moving back to my hometown and be surrounded by friends and family for the summer. Being in a different town for 4 months should help a ton. And I'll be occupied with a couple of jobs as well.

 

She will surely be over me a lot faster than I am over her, but I don't want to be in any kind of race with her. If I don't date for a long while then I don't date for a long while.

Edited April 4, 2011 by confused1989

[fetish]

Confused1989

 

I must congratulate you for your strength. This is a big accomplishment and you are going to come out the winner at the end. If anything, your ex will see how well you're doing and be kicking herself later for what she dd.

 

The thing to focus on now is YOUR happiness. Pick up the hobbies you've always thought about and begin working on yourself. It will help keep your mind off her. Since you and i have the same type of self-centered, manipulative ex's, we have to keep telling ourselves to put ourselves first. I can't speak for you but at least for me, i almost forgot what looking out for myself means, since i've been looking out for her for so long.

 

Me, i've decided not to try to pursue any women right now, even if she might be pursuing other men, i'm simply not even ready to startt dating, its only been 2 months. I want to focus on making music beats with my keyboard and downloading a studio on my computer to get started. I have a vision that i'll be performing one day. I also envision my career which will be going to the next level very soon, especially since i have her out of my life now.

 

That's what i think you should continue to focus on, your vision for yourself! Congratulations on you graduation BTW.

[confused1989]

Thanks fetish for still checking in on me.

 

The fact that I've seen some progress over the past couple of weeks has definitely given me hope. If anything I'm atleast proving to myself bit by bit that I can get through this.

 

I'm also proving to myself that I don't need to go party crazy and try to hook up with people to get through this either, like my ex is doing.

 

I am definitely right there with you on that one. All I was ever concerned about was her happiness, and I definitely sacrificed my own happiness many times to make sure she was happy. Not a great way to live, I know. I felt extremely empty once we first broke up because I didn't need to look after her anymore and I didn't know what made me happy anymore, I was so lost. Still am a little for sure, but not as much.

 

I know a bit about my ex's past, so I know she is actively seeking someone to replace me with. I expect this and accept it, so hopefully when the time comes that she is with someone new (which I don't think will be very far down the road) it won't hurt as bad. Also because I expect and accept this I don't feel the need to go out and date people just because she likely is or will soon.

 

That's cool that you're going to start making beats with your keyboard. That's actually a good idea. I always wanted to make dance music with turntables and stuff. Maybe I'll take that up as an extra hobby if I find I'm not filling my time very well. I also wanna get in great shape over the summer so that'll be time consuming too. Other than that, I'm big on travelling and since I didn't get to go on the trip I wanted to go on with my ex, I think I'll start planning one for myself at the end of the summer or later on in the year. Something to look forward to anyway.

 

Lots of things to look forward to. I might not have a woman in the near future to look forward to but I'm gonna make sure I find my old hobbies and new ones so then when I do I'll be a better all around person.

 

and I have no doubt fetish you will be performing one day (if you make it big be sure to send me some tickets) and I'm sure you will be on the rise with your job too. If you're anything like me you have a lot of extra energy now to put into other things. I basically used all of my energy on my ex.

 

Thanks! It's great coming here and reading the replies. I think it definitely speeds up the healing process. No one on LS is telling me this is my loss, and no one in real life is telling me that either. When you have 100% of the people you know telling you that you put a good effort in and there's not much else you could have done then it definitely makes moving on a lot easier. Despite the fact that my ex tells me my effort was garbage. I don't buy that anymore, and I know a lot of guys who do a lot less for their women than I did and have been in happy relationships for years.

 

Hopefully no ruts anytime soon. I'm expecting I'll be in one when she goes away on the trip we were supposed to go on, but I have a few weeks to prepare for that.

[Lemontang]

Lemontang, I read through your whole post and thread too and it definitely makes me feel better knowing there are other people who have gone through something similar. Infact it seems like there are so many people who have gone through something similar. And you seem to be doing awesome for yourself now from what I gathered from your thread, which gives me a lot of hope....

 

Dude I'm not just doing awesome. I am awesome, in fact under the definition of awesome you'll find a picture of me with two thumbs up...oh and Arthur Fonzarelli.

 

But yes thanks for reading it, things are well and I know for a fact my ex is pissed I am doing so well too. Not for the fact that I'm actually doing well but because I'm so far ahead with my life now that she's pissed she missed the free ride ticket to tag along and milk my success. And to think a year ago I'd have never even thought this could happen. Unfortunately after all this time she's still selfish to the core and now sponges off family. She's also equally pissed when she see me wizzing around on the motorcycle as it's what her engagement ring brought me.

 

She's going to be pissed again too later this week when she see another new car I brought in the driveway.

 

In short if she wasn't such a douche, I would have happily been sharing this with her. But in actuality I'm now sharing this all with someone else who I care about immensely, and more importantly has enough respect for herself as she does for me.

 

I will say though your in the right mindset to getting through this and like me well on the path to awesomeness.

[confused1989]

I hope I get to that point too. I'm sure that all of your success is really tearing her up inside though, sounds like a great success story.

 

Hopefully she'll be out of my mind completely soon, I'm starting to see things going up for me and like you said I would have liked to share it with her but she clearly didn't want no part of it anyway, which is fine, I know I can find someone who cares about me more than she did. That's something that I'm positive about.

 

Thanks! I'm glad that I'm starting to get into the right mindset.

 

 

I have a question for you guys though. Me and my ex are both doing the same degree in university, I'm a year ahead of her though, and twice a year we all go out to a bar to play pool with our professors, it's kind of like a tournament for fun, students versus professors. A social basically. Well me and my ex were going out in December when the last one was, and I had a blast. The next one coming up is this week, and I'm not sure whether or not I should go.

 

On one hand, it'll likely be my last one and I'd like to go just to see everyone, but on the other hand seeing my ex there might set me back. There will probably only be 20 of us there or so, so I won't be able to completely avoid her. This is also likely the last time I'll bump into my ex until September.

 

Don't know what to do here. I don' even know if I'd enjoy myself at it or not, it's hard to say.

 

Thoughts? Lately I've been avoiding every place she's been, and it's put a bit of a damper on my social life as we share some of the same crowd, but I know it's short term pain for long term gain. I still worry about being set back, it was a rough ending we had where she told me I was "in her plans for the future" and then a week later claims she's moved on and over me. It's hard to be civil around her.

Edited April 5, 2011 by confused1989

[nana841121]

she is just inseure, testing all the time.these were all her tricks

poor her , and poor you

[nana841121]

Been there

[Lemontang]

I'll say no, but I'm sure others will say yes for reason like you've got the right to go wherever etc... and yes they will be quite right in saying so.

The only reason I'm saying no is because yes you've come a long way, but you've also still got a long way to go. Bit like Monkey Magic when Monkey, Sandy, Pigsy & Tripitaka where only halfway to India and in that time they had changed so much and all grown, but still had the other half of the journey to go (throw in some kung fu along the way and it's more interesting ).

Your still on yours and in many ways still near the beginning. You already know your still at that stage still with you looking over your shoulder wondering if she's around.

Eventually you'll reach the stage you don't care. So I'll wait until she's gone more so because it'll give you the chance to get your mojo or rhythm back without distraction and when she does return you'll have already moved on and it won't feel like your stepping into her enemy territory but rather she's stepping into yours.

[confused1989]

Nana,

 

Yes I feel a little played for sure. How a girl jumps from having me "in their plans" to going away for a weekend and coming back a completely different person and being done with me is beyond me. Well, I know what happened, she basically found some new green grass is what happened. I was in her plans until she found something better and it didn't take long for her to do so. I know she has rushed into things in the past and has read people wrong so I'm not overly concerned. Hurts the self-esteem a little for sure but I'm getting a lot stronger.

 

Lemontang, thanks for your input. This is what I was leaning towards, but the other part of me knows that she is definitely holding me back from doing things like this just by being there. I'm sure she feels some control or power in these situations. I have missed events since we broke up, mostly because of her, and have quit the society we were both on together because I didn't want to be around her anymore, and because she criticized me for even being a part of it, told me I was a useless member, etc. I don't like the control she has, but at the same time I guess I'm doing this for me and shouldn't give a rats ass what anyone thinks about it at this point.

 

But, I do have a LONG way to go. And, by going, I'm risking being set back right before final exams, in the most important semester of my life. On top of this, it could make it even harder when she goes away on "our" trip in the next couple of weeks.

 

I'm not sure how I'd react if I went, honestly. You are so right, it feels like walking into enemy territory. This tells me I'm not close to being over her, which I already knew anyway.

 

It feels better when I'm not around her though. So I'll probably not go. I have to remind myself that the 2 times I saw her out at the bar since we broke up it did not help any. I ended up feeling worse, and she ended up getting in my face calling me an ******* and telling me I don't love her and all that.

 

Thanks for your advice. Any more views on this is appreciated as well.

[fetish]

hey confused, just curious you may have already answered this but where were you guys supposed to be going on this trip you mention? You say it was a graduation gift so was it one she bought for the two of you or what?

 

Seriously man, i don't know if you're working but you should plan a trip sometime this summer. My ex is going to vegas with a couple of friends in may and this was the year we were planning on going on trips together before we split. I'm planning on going to new york before the summer's end.

 

And yeah break ups do take a mess with your self esteem. Me and my ex gf/fiance have been broken up 2 months already after 8 years together. It's left me feeling depressesd, worthless, undesireable, and unloved. Those feelings will pass though. I'm going to allow myself times to grieve, feel sorrow. It's all apart of the healing process. I've been reading books from improving self esteem, producing music, learning spanish. It gives me something to look forward to in the mean time while i heal. I'm expecting it to take a good solid year before i'm completely healed though.

 

Funny you mentioned about your girl getting in your face saying you don't love her. My ex has done this with me. Just a guilt trip. All apart of the gaming aka manipulation tactics in desparate attempts to stay in control. I still love my ex so i have to admit i do still fall for the guilt trips, but one day i won't once i'm out of this emotional quick sand.

Edited April 6, 2011 by fetish

[confused1989]

hey fetish, we were supposed to go to hawaii together. No, she didn't pay my way there, she never did really spend any of her money on me and when she did she often complained or I could tell it bothered her. My parents paid for the flights as part of a graduation gift and I was responsible for the rest of it.

 

I only worked part time during school but I'll be working 2 jobs the summer to fill my time since there isn't much to do where I come from. Yeah I'm really looking at going away somewhere, just to clear my head and have a little break. That sounds like a great idea right now.

 

Sounds like you are doing a lot to improve yourself and it's motivating me to do the same. I plan on ordering some books and getting some new hobbies to to up my self esteem instead of relying on hooking up with people to do that.

 

Yeah it was emotionally draining when she would get up in my face and say that. For 2 months I tried to prove her wrong and that I did care, and in the end it still wasn't good enough for her or maybe it was but she had to find some way to blame me for everything.

 

I still love mine too, and I probably would still fall for her guilt trips but I'm slowly starting to realize that there were a ton of red flags, a ton of times where I was disrespected, and plenty of times where I should have been suspicious about her true feelings. This makes me feel a lot less guilty.

 

But I guess at the end of the day she's gone now so it doesn't matter anymore. No messages or anything like that from her since Friday when she was asking me for help with her homework and I didn't respond. I'm not expecting to hear from her anymore.

 

fetish do you also think I should avoid going out to the social tomorrow night?

[fetish]

fetish do you also think I should avoid going out to the social tomorrow night?

 

if you don't think you can handle it, then don't.

 

me personally, i would probably go at this point, maybe not 3 months ago when you guys first broke up. But seeing the growth you've done, I would put myself to the test. Now this is just me, doesn't mean you have to do the same.

 

I would just play it off. socialize with everybody and at least act like i was enjoying myself. i would dress nice, maybe get some new gear, style the hair, put on some nice cologne. If i happened to see her there, I would probably look the other way and play like i didn't see her, but if she approached me, i would smile, be corrigal, and maybe chat (keep it short like i had better things to do) and move right along to socialize with other people.

 

The reason why i would probably go is because i wouldn't want to feel like i was giving her the power for me to isolate myself. I have a life too. I have a right to be there every bit as much as she does.

 

I know what its like though, she may be looking extra good and it may tug @ your heart a tad, but that's when i'd probably look the other way!

[JimmyB26]

Ok, to the OP, and anyone else dealing with abusive or manipulative ex-girlfriends, I'm glad to know I'm not alone. Check out this blog, it's run by a female psychotherapist, which is unusual, because female therapists are far more likely to empathize with a woman and bash a man. This blog really helped me out in the healing process:

 

www.shrink4men.com

 

My story:

 

My ex gf texted me all the time after she broke it off in April '09. I chalk it up to immaturity (she was 21, I was 29). Keep in mind I was seeing her while I was separated, at probably the most vulnerable point in my life. She didn't like that I was still married, but freaked out when she realized how serious I was about ending the marriage (filing the divorce papers). She ended up breaking up with me two days before my divorce became official, and then, as I tried to move on with my life, kept on creating drama and would not think about the space I might need to clear my head and restart my life:

 

1. She went to see the new guy in Florida for the 4th of July weekend and I went to see a new girl in Los Angeles the same weekend, and she knew I went to see the new girl. Before each of us left, she texted me late at night asking me if she could stop by on her way home and "give me a hug". Weird, but ok...I let her.

 

She texted me a picture of her posing in a bikini kissy-face while on the trip to see her new boyfriend. Luckily the girl I was visiting never saw it. I went back and forth between thinking she was so pathetic it was funny and being furious at her for it, and I called her on it when we both got back into town.

 

2. Every time I started to distance myself from the ex and take a few hours to respond to her text, or not jump at the chance to see her, she'd start to panic and fear loss/abandonment. Loss of control, in actuality.

 

3. When I finally got tired of the "friends" nonsense with her for a while by August and really wanted to focus on my own dating life (even though it was way too soon to be dating, but I WAS having fun, as a teaching assistant bedding college girls, hehe) I put her in stone cold NC, and she tried everything. Texts, voicemails serenading me, she even sent me a long "thank you" card - all while she was with this dude in Florida. My buddy took one look at this card and was like, "If I caught my girl writing this to an ex, I'd be out the door in a second."

 

4. I got every text joke forwarded to me that the new guy sent to her. Some funny, most of it though was really offensive.

 

5. We met for drinks at a bar in November, trying to be genuine friends. Her phone was out on the table. She'd just gotten through telling me she was meeting this kid's family over Thanksgiving. The phone rings and it's the new guy, I could see it from my seat. She looked at the phone, then looked at me. I waited for her to pick up the call, but she let it go to voicemail while staring at me with this sick little smile on her face.

 

6. In early December I got two text jokes featuring the vile, offensive n-word. Not something I ever really want to hear from anyone, let alone a girl I once thought was attractive. I called her on it, telling her that I thought the world of her and asked politely that she stop sending me those jokes or stop using that word. Her response, "No need to get offended, they're just forwards". Meaning it was MY choice to be offended or not. She hadn't done anything wrong, in her mind. After that, I was a pariah. Until my birthday, when I got a "Happy belated birthday" text.

 

The most important lessons that this whole long process taught me:

1. As I got farther and farther away from the relationship, and had more and more fun with more and more other women, she grew more and more concerned with making sure I still thought she was special. In reality, I had better sex and more fun with girls with less issues.

2. She showed me her true colors once I held her at arms length: she turned into a game-playing, control-seeking, manipulative, immature, and jealous freak who treated people like props and didn't really possess any unique qualities that haven't been matched by people I've met since.

3. Most importantly, she showed me what it was like to be in a relationship with her. I began to ask myself who she was sending racy pictures to and playing texting games with when she was with ME. Then I asked myself why I'd ever want to be with someone who behaved this way with an ex up to eight months later while in a new relationship.

 

 

Some other points:

 

She told me that she had told the new guy that "we'd dated but it didn't work out" and we were friends. Somehow, I doubt he got the play-by-play of all of the interactions she and I had. For instance, when I asked her about that picture, I asked repeatedly if he'd known that she'd sent it to me, and she repeatedly dodged answering it. Lies of omission were a tactic she frequently used.

 

This rebound for her was a long distance relationship for her, and I'm willing to bet that the new guy put up with her behavior not because - as she claimed - "he's not the jealous type", but because he probably felt he was batting so far out of his league that if he put his foot down she'd ditch.

 

The most shocking thing to me is that with the full knowledge of the new guy, she told me that she'd occasionally let another long-time heterosexual male friend whom she'd once dated sleep in her bed with her. Fine while she's single, but when she's monogamous with someone, even early on in the first couple months, that's testing what she can get away with and what the level of respect needs to be.

 

I began to feel sorry for the new guy as she was able to be charming enough to keep him focused on her while she was at a distance, but every time she visited, reinforce that infatuation that he felt for her. Based on all of her games and nonsense, though, I'm quite sure that real intimacy would scare the crap out of her.

 

It's been almost a year since I've said anything to her at all. Things really went downhill for communications once I criticized her for her racist text jokes and wouldn't let her off the hook - I think she needs and feels entitled to that worship from friends and men since she has a void she needs to fill inside, and feeds on the praise, attention, adulation, flattery, and gifts to feel whole and some sort of an identity. Eventually, last April, about this time last year, she told me we wouldn't be friends, as if it weren't already obvious. I accepted and stated that therefore we need not be friends on facebook, so I deleted her.

 

That must have injured her, because she did the only thing she had left to try to one-up me and retaliate - she blocked me. Gasp! I had to laugh at that one.

 

You dodged a major bullet when you dumped this one. Let her be some other guy's nightmare.

Edited April 7, 2011 by JimmyB26

[tiffin]

Confused, our ex girlfriends are very similar. I had to laugh my ex wants a two hour massage all the time too, gets mad if I stop. She also never would go out of the way for me. I also paid 99.9% of everything. Mine changed for the worse when we broke up. Thats when the verball abuse, and unkind stuff came out. I have been in LC since, I hear all about the new flames, she makes sure of that. I need to start NC later this year, because being friends just isn't working. I have to for now though.

Its a hard call on going to the get together. You have to get on with your life. But you don't need setbacks either.

[TheLoneSock]

Confused, do you want my take on this?

 

In my opinion you should go, but only for a short appearance. Make sure you're looking handsome, show up a little late, play a quick game or two with your professors, and then be out the door as if you have other plans to attend to (it would be even better if you actually did).

 

What does this accomplish? It allows you to not renege on your social obligations of continuing a tradition and visiting with teachers outside of the classroom, while at the same time showing that it is not your night's priority, that you just came to have a good time for a bit, and that you aren't afraid of seeing her in a social setting outside of school (that you can handle it, and her for that matter).

 

Basically, by these actions you'll be saying this, without actually saying it:

 

"Oh, hey! Sorry I'm late, I had other things to attend to. But here I am, handsome as ever. I just want to have a good time with my professors for a bit then I'm back out the door because I have other plans for the rest of the night."

 

And that is all. This protects you from a long and possibly painful night, it let's you check in with your teachers and have some fun with them, and it shows her (and everyone else) that you are in the process of big change for the better, and they are bearing witness to it right now.

 

Even if you leave there and just go hangout with a friend somewhere, or family, or a girl you might be interested in. That's fine, just as long as it has (or appears to have) priority over this social get together.

 

This is not manipulation on your part, this is part of your healing process and teaching yourself to prioritize your obligations to yourself and no one else.

Edited April 7, 2011 by TheLoneSock