NC with a selfish self centered ex

[confused1989]

hey fetish, thanks for the advice man. You're right, maybe I should step up to the plate and see what happens. It's a risk, but if I just go for an hour or so maybe it won't be too bad. I know a lot of other people going anyway so it's not like I'll be stuck with no one to talk to. I see your view on it, and I also see lemon's view of it. That's why I was kind of stuck in the middle. I guess there's no right or wrong here, it's risky either way.

 

Chances are we'll be running into each other. There isn't much space at the place we're going to, and it'll be a miracle if we don't cross paths. That being said I have to prepare myself for that to happen even if I choose just to go for an hour.

 

I definitely don't want her to feel like she has the power to isolate me. I'm pretty certain that she doesn't expect me there at all. The few times that she's bumped into me at bars since we broke up she always looked stunned, shocked, and surprised. She wants me home in my bedroom crying I'm sure.

 

If she does look good I'll be sure to look the other way! Although lately I'm not seeing her as the 5 star model that I thought she was. Don't get me wrong, I'm still attracted to her and think she's gorgeous, but maybe just not as much as I had previously thought. I can't really put it into words.

 

 

 

Jimmy - I read all of your story. Sounds lke she has a lot in common with my ex, and I'm proud of myself for not sticking around as a friend. I hope you're right in saying that she'll be someone else's nightmare, I'm starting to realize more and more of her flaws as the days go on. Thanks for the website too, I'll be sure to check that out.

 

tiffin, I hear you man! She did VERY little for me either, and those two hour massages were ridiculous. I liked doing it in a way because it made her happy, but she just got way too greedy about it over time. It wasn't something I wanted to do several times a day, everyday.

 

She got mad at me IN CLASS last semester when I wouldn't massage her leg under the table, because clearly our professor and everyone in our class would notice. She flipped. Ridiculous really. Keep in mind I was an affectionate boyfriend to her, it's not like I didn't touch her enough or wasn't affectionate enough, she just always wanted more more more more more.

 

Mine changed for the worse too. The verbal abuse, all of that. The mindgames. It was way too much for me to handle in the most important time of my life school wise.

 

Thanks for your input. I don't know why you're in LC, maybe you have to be for some reason, but you should definitely NC as soon as possible. It's the only thing that's helping me move on and there was a time where I thought NC was ridiculous, but I think what I was really afraid of was I was afraid I'd lose feelings for her, afraid she'd move on, afraid of everyhing that would happen with NC. I was afraid to shut the door, afraid to end the chapter with someone that I loved so much. But over time I learned that NC could easily make my life a lot better at the same time.

 

Lonesock,

 

That sounds good, I actually would have plans to attend to later although they're nothing special. I just have a paper to finish writing. But I'm leaning towards maybe going for an hour or so, and see what happens. Show up fashionably late, dress good, etc. and be prepared to see her looking her best and trying to rub stuff in my face.

 

You're right, it does protect me from a long painful night. Atleast if I only go for an hour and I'm not feeling it I could always bail. This is the last social where I'll get to see all my classmates and professors before we graduate.

 

Thanks everyone. I'll let you know what happens.

[confused1989]

Oh I'd also like to note that she keeps finding me in our university somehow. She'll see me a mile away and come and approach me, talk to me, etc.

 

I was even sitting in a cubicle in the library doing work and she came and slapped me on the arm and sat just 2 cubicles away from me. Talk about frustrating. I wish she'd just stay miles and miles away from me.

 

But at the asme time, it's not bothering me as much as it used to. I don't know her motivations behind what she does, but nor do I really care about it anymore either. I'm not reading into what she does as much anymore.

 

Truth is, she doesn't even seem like the same person anymore. She acts different, talks different. Apparently she's a big rap lover now since we broke up. I overheard her bragging one day about how she doesn't know her limits when she drinks, and she thinks that makes her seem cooler or something. It's pretty annoying really. Funny when we went out she'd always tell me she knew her limits and not to worry about her, would always deny that she had a drinking problem, but then we break up and she brags about it. I'm young and I do like to party but it just seems like our outlook on things are so different. If I don't want to go party one night, I just won't. When we were together and I said I was taking the night off she'd criticize me, say I'm not cool enough, no fun, etc. I can have fun without getting tanked all the time.

 

She does everything for looks. You know I'm proud to say that I don't always give in to what people want me to do. I bent over backwards for her but I don't care in general what others think of me. I'm proud to say I'm not easily persuaded by people I know and barely know.

 

I'm just respecting myself a lot more now and respecting her less and less lately, just a little rant.

 

 

 

Edit: I'm on my way out now to the social....... let's see how this goes.

Edited April 7, 2011 by confused1989

[confused1989]

Well guys, I went for an hour / hour and a half. Feeling pretty good about it all. I definitely had some mixed emotions when seeing her, and at times I had trouble trying to force myself not to look at her, but all in all it wasn't too bad at all.

 

I made a "fashionably late" appearance, and when I walked in everyone was happy to see me, I had all the girls in my classes around me all night, they all wanted pictures with me, etc.

 

It was definitely an ego booster and confidence builder. I didn't expect for any of that to happen, honestly.

 

My ex kept her distance, she didn't look like she was having as much fun as I was having, that's for sure. I wasn't there to try to make her feel bad, or get revenge on her, so I don't know if she noticed me being around all those girls and quite frankly I don't care. I did it for me, not to get to her in any way. She was definitely a bit drunk anyway.

 

However, she did (of course) make a point to come up and say hi to me. It was in passing though, she was on her way across the room and she just grabbed my arm and said hi, I said hi, and that was all the contact we had really. She tried to rub stuff in a little bit. I was talking to my professor and she made a point to come over and talk about how excited she was to go away for the summer and all of this. I have no doubt in my mind that she knew I heard it all and that she was trying to get to me.

 

Also seemed like when I did catch her looking at me as I was smiling and chatting to other girls that she'd go run and strike up a conversation with a guy. It didn't bother me at all though, not as much as I thought it would, but maybe it's because I know all these people anyway.

 

Anyway that's just what went down tonight. I may have been misinterpreted some of her actions. Maybe she didn't try to get to me, who knows. But at this point, who cares either.

 

As I put on my coat a few girls asked for a ride home, so I left the social with 3 girls, brought them to their apartment and they ended up inviting me in for food and just to chill. It was a good time. I'm glad I went out, even though there were definitely some instances where I was afraid of a setback.

 

I feel like I passed this test, for now anyway. And I also got to socialize with people who genuinely like me for me, which was a good feeling. I'm not the worthless guy that I often felt like since my ex gave up on me.

[fetish]

Confused. proud of you bro. You faced your fears and ended up going and discovered a new sense of self respect and self worth. You pretty much made a semi-cameo appearence and that's the best kind!

 

Your girl seems desperate for control at this point. Why else would she go out of her way to speak to you, rub things in like the 8 week vacation, make an attempt to spark up conversations with other guys when you'd spot her looking, etc.

 

Not that you give a s****, but she's losing her power and she knows it. Women have a better sense on these things. Trust me, they notice. It probably ate her that you seemed to be happy and doing so well without her. And i bet it was another gut punch when she saw other people (especially other women at that) taking notice to you.

 

Keep struttin. Even if you feel low, continue to act the part. Continue to update us to see how you holdin' up!

 

Peace out!

 

fetish

[ludachris]

hey confused i just want you to know that my ex made me feel guilty as well even though she was the one who was hurting me all the time. I would hurt just so i could see a smile on her face. I loved her so much. But she would treat me horribly and walk all over me. Throughout our whole relationship she said that everyone always leaves her and that she was afraid to open up to me early on because she was afraid i would leave her. But she talked **** behind my back to my own friends and messed around with one of my best friends. We were on a break while she did this but she talked to me that same night and we planned on getting back together. Of course like an idiot i took her back after she did that and i grew to love her but she would talk to her ex constantly and even though i loved her it was hurting me to be in a relationship with her. I would hurt everyday. So i finally broke up with her and she said "You are just like everyone else you just leave me." and it hurts me so much that she feels this way because i loved her and i still love her and care about her but i need to look out for myself as well. So now I am doing NC with her but it hurts not to talk to her and make sure she is doing okay. She makes me feel like im the bad guy for breaking up with her and it sucks because all i did for her was nothing but care and love her. Ill admit i wasnt perfect and i did get jealous of her talking to a lot of guys for no reason, but i still treated her like a princess and loved her so much and didnt recieve the same amount of love back. I know how you feel man. its been a month since ive broken up with her and im slowly but surely getting over it. I still care about her and love her but i need to look out for myself and you do as well. You are doing a good job man and im happy to hear you are doing so well. I hope the best for you man.

[confused1989]

Thanks fetish man. I feel like I have gone out of my way to avoid her for so long, and that I should just use the social as a test and face my fears. I feel like she has held me back a lot since we broke up, mostly because I'm afraid to see her out somewhere with another guy.

 

Well I'm so glad I went, and I got to see her from a different point of view. It was the most time I've been around her since the breakup, and I will say I definitely don't miss being around her when she's on the booze anyway. For once it was nice not having to worry about picking her up off the floor. There have been too many times where she has embarrassed me in front of my friends by being too drunk and not being able to stand, and too many times where I've had to leave parties early or leave the bar early because she can't control her drinking. Last night when I overheard her bragging about not being able to control her drinking and not know her limits it reminded me of all the stress her drinking caused us and definitely did not make me more attracted to her.

 

I agree that she still feels the need to have some form of control. I think she was definitely trying to make me jealous man. I think she'll continue to try those tactics too. It made her look pathetic, really. But I know she'll do things to get a reaction out of me as she's admitted to it several times before when we were together and also after we broke up.

 

She's not used to me not jumping for her. She seems confused and uncomfortable as to how to act when we're in the same room together, and I know she wants me to drool over her that's for sure.

 

By no means was I 100% completely comfortable last night being in the same room as her, but thankfully I had a lot of people to talk to which kept my mind somewhat off of it. And hey, since I haven't been around her much since the breakup I knew it wasn't going to be 100% perfect. But I'm very satisfied with how it went. I didn't relapse, and my mind is still 100% moving forward and accepting that our relationship is over and done with. I am still proud to say I gave her my all and that makes it much easier to accept that things are done and over with, because if that wasn't good enough well I pitty the next guy who she gets involved with.

 

I'll keep acting the part, that's for sure! I have been feeling relatively great lately, I'm not 100% back to my normal self as it's going to take time, but I haven't had any dreams about her lately which is huge for me. I can actually get out of bed in the mornings, and I'm actually even excited about what the future holds for me. Things are looking up in all other areas right now.

 

I'll keep you updated! I don't expect to see her again until September so it'll be interesting to see how things go between now and then for me. Up until now I've heard from her or bumped into her every week since the breakup. Not by choice obviously. But I'm hoping the healing just continues from here on out, with no setbacks and no contact from her.

 

 

ludachris, sorry you had to go through that man. I definitely know how you feel in terms of some of the stuff you said. My ex said crap about me behind my back too, I've had several instances where people overheard her saying something or she told them directly and I'd confront her about it and she would just tell me I was crazy to believe people over her, so I was often confused and left with a crappy feeling.

 

It sounds like she threw a lot at you man. You cared about her and she got with your best friend, talked to her ex, etc. while trying to guilt trip you into never leaving her. That sounds real manipulative to me, and definitely has some characteristics of my ex. Good job on breaking it off though and standing your ground, I wish I could have done the same a few times during my relationship. The thing is like you I loved and cared about her so much too. But I didn't have the balls to end it when I was being taking for granted.

 

"You are just like everyone else you just leave me." is manipulative for sure. Another thing that comes to my mind is why does everyone leave her? Don't be too hard on yourself man and don't feel like the bad guy for breaking up with her, you might love her and care about her but she has some baggage right now for sure, she is taking you for granted just like my ex did to me.

 

All I did was give my girl everything she ever wanted too, and I cared about her and showered her with attention and affection. So I know what you mean man, you are definitely not alone.

 

But you can be proud to say you gave her your all, and to her that wasn't "good enough". You treated her great but she didn't treat you great. So be proud of the fact that you held up your end of it, and the problems are with her. It takes two people. Use that as motivation to move forward, it's been working for me. I just think about the girl I'll eventually meet who will do for me what I do for her.

 

We really are in the same boat. Keep doing NC it's awesome that you are putting yourself first, I wish I did that WAY earlier so you are defintiely ahead of me. More people on these boards need to have that attitude.

Thanks man, you are doing all the right things too, you're doing things that I wish I had done sooner, so you will definitely be fine. Let me know how things go with you too and I hope the best for you too.

[Lemontang]

Dude, huge internet broski high 5. You're clearly more ahead of the game than I gave you credit for. So nice work indeed, especially on the insight you've now gained after analysing everything and what it all meant at the end of the day.

 

Funny thing is I almost saw my ex today. Was at a farmers market I frequent every month and her sister and brother in law were there (her sister & I are kinda are into the same thing so wasn't surprised). They both made a point of telling me her daughter was with them, but clearly not at the time so they were hinting she was at the market as well (They both know I make a point of not wanting to know about what she's up to).

 

Well sure enough I did see her daughter a few minutes later (1st time in almost a year) running around with the ex's sister and as you know from my history you could say it was some kind of litmus test on how far I am as a person. Yeah it hurt seeing her daughter, who thankfully didn't see me. But I was glad to see she at the very least was happy. Yet at the same time I couldn't have cared any less if I saw the ex. Weird, but at the very least I know I've moved ahead in my life by leaps and bounds whilst hers still stagnates. And lets face it, who wants to be round someone who has to bring everyone else down? Not me.

 

Anyway keen to hear an update on how thing are come September.

[confused1989]

Thanks lemon, I'm getting there man. Slow and steady though as she is still on my mind everyday, but not in the sense that I'm wondering what she's up to and all that.

 

Good to see that you passed the test too. Not only did you pass the test, but you got to realize how much further ahead you are too. That's awesome. The thing about my ex is, well, I don't really know if I'm doing better than her or not. She's very "fake it till you make it" and reserved, she'll have herself and others convinced that she's doing fine but from what I hear as soon as I get a new girl she'll be in a state. Atleast that's what mutual friends have told me she's been like in the past.

 

But hey, this isn't a competition. I feel like I'm progressing, and that's the main thing. I don't have fantasies about her anymore. I don't dream about her. It's hard to even picture her in my head lately because of how little I've seen of her in the past few months.

 

All I know is, why would I want to be someone who embarrasses me 90% of the time when she drinks? Why would I want to be with someone who prides herself on independence to the point where she's self centered and not even the slightest bit giving to me in any sense?

 

And why would I want to be with someone who always gets bored with everyone. Someone who can't keep the same friends because she gets too bored of them, can't keep the same boyfriend because she gets too bored with him, has to change her looks all of the time because she's bored with herself.

 

And these were only a few of the issues.

 

Thanks lemon, hopefully come September she won't mean a thing to me anymore.

[ludachris]

Confused, your ex does sound very much like mine in ways. when she would drink she would have no limits and she would do crazy things while she was drunk. I had to take care of her many times.

 

I havent been talking to her but it kinda sucks because we have the same business class every thursday so i do have to see her once a week.

 

I did talk to her a little while after we broke up like once a week and she would keep on talking about this guy and stuff. So eventually i just asked her, since she was talking about him a lot, if they had sex, which i shouldnt have asked. She said they had and this hurt me a lot so thats when i decided NC completely.

 

I just felt very used but i know there are so many other girls who will treat me way better than that.

 

Yesterday I went to the bar with some friends(I just turned 21 not too long ago) and i found myself thinking about her and i got a little sad. Ive definatly improved a lot on getting over her, but i still think about her.

 

But when you say im ahead of you i disagree man. You are doing very well and im happy for you. Ill be in the same boat as you eventually and not think about her as much, but for now its kinda hard not to.

 

You are doing really good man and it makes me feel better to know that someone who is in the same boat as i am is doing well for themself. I will keep you updated on how I'm doing. I have a lot of respect for you dude even though i dont know who are, but because of how well you are dealing with things. thats shows a lot about a person.

[confused1989]

Hey ludachris thanks for replying again. So I guess you know how much it sucked trying to take care of an overly drunk girlfriend. I remember my buddy drove us from one bar to another bar one time and my ex was in the back seat passed out and we couldn't get her up. When we did finally get her up and get her in the bar with us her friend was feeding her shots all night and she just completely passed out. This is just one of many stories I have about how her drinking ended up ruining my night and my fun. But I was always worried about her especially when she went out drinking without me, because she can't take care of herself and she has hooked up with guys in the past and not remembered any of it. Now I wasn't paranoid that she was going to do this to me but it's hard to trust someone on the booze sometimes when they can't even control themselves and admit to not remembering a lot of things.

 

I know how you feel about being in the same class as her too man. Me and my ex go to a small university where it's hard not to bump into each other. We weren't in the same classes but my classes were in the same area as hers were, so we would bump into each other unless I made an extra effort to avoid it all together.

 

Not so bad for me now because classes are over we just have final exams coming up now. When is the semester over for you?

 

I can see how that hurt you a lot when she said she had sex with that guy. I would be terrified to know that, but I know where you're coming from because I said stuff to my ex when we broke up that I wish I didn't say. I also was looking at her Facebook way more than I should have, and I drove myself nuts thinking about her being with other guys and seeing all the new guys that she was adding on facebook.

 

But you know what, in a way as much as it hurt you it told you that you had to move forward. So if anything man there was something positive to take out of that. I was in a similar spot, for 2 months after we broke up my ex gave me false hope, and told me that all I had to do was try a little harder, push a little harder, show my love for her more. Well I did all that and all it did was give her a ego boost. She just wanted me to shower her with attention and then tell me i failed and wasn't good enough basically.

 

All the while she was meeting a ton of new guys. I don't know if she did anything with any of them but that doesn't matter to me, the fact is she was looking around for someone to replace me with. So I finally asked her what the hell she was trying to do with me, and she said "well you're in my future plans whether you think that or not" and then a few days later she told me she was over me. So this gave me a bit of closure and told me I have to move forward. How someone can go from one exterme to the other is beyond me and I know that she definitely thinks there is greener grass out there, and it was a slap in the face after all I did for her.

 

Its good that you went full out NC. You're like me it took you a little while to get there but you eventually did thats the main thing.

 

I feel used too man, I feel like slapping myself sometimes for not ending it sooner. For putting up with all the crap I did but I did it cause I loved her. I thought she appreciated and respected me for it but clearly she didn't and I was seeing her wrong.

 

I went to the bar a few times after we broke up too and it definitely made me sad too. I would definitely suggest not drinking too too much for now. Go out and have a couple beer but you will get real sad if you're a nything like me if you over do it.

 

The main thing is that you are improving man! I'm basically the same age as you so knowing that there is somene else out there my age who's going through the same thing as me makes me feel a bit better, not that I'm happy that you are suffering or anything obviously.

 

You know what I still think about her a lot, its normal, I just don't fantasize her or think back too much into the times we had and all that. She's just on my mind in general but it's kind of in a neutral way I guess you could say. I miss having someone there to share things with, I invested a lot in her as you did with your girl too so you will keep thinking about her for a while I would imagine, and so will I. So now she crosses my mind I just accept that I'm going to be thinking about her for a little while but the more time I'm away from her and the less I hear from her the more my mind will start cooperating with me and get her out of my head altogether.

 

You just got to focus on the positive, my life is going great in all other areas, just do well in school and be good to yourself and to your friends. I am trying harder in school and things are looking good for me, got a trip down south next year all paid for by my school, going to be starting a new summer job soon, and going to work my ass off so that I can go take a trip somewhere at the end of the summer.

 

Imagine how she would feel in a few months if she sees you being happy and successful, and imagine how you would feel too that you made your life a lot better. The women will be all over you if you can keep focusing on the positives and moving forward. You're just turned 21 too so this will open up a lot of opportunity for you too man.

 

You sound a lot like me, so we will both get through this together. Thanks man that means a ton to me that you respect me fo rthe way I'm handling things. I still have a ways to go but I know I'll get there, it gets better everyday, so you hang in there too and I know for sure things will start getting good for you in no time now that you have gone NC.

 

Just curious how long have you been in NC? You are on the right track for sure though man.

[ludachris]

Confused, Well we have been broken up for a little over a month and the first week we still talked like almost everyday and i would still go over her house. we would still even have sex. But than i found out she was going to go on a trip to see her ex bf, because this was during spring break. So when i found this out i told her we cant have sex anymore and she got mad at me, which made me feel bad....figures. So the second week after the break up i decide we can have sex again because she ended up not going on the trip, which was a bad idea by me. I shoulda never had sex with her while we were broken up. We had sex the second week after the break up THEN she ends up telling me that we cant have sex. And i tell her that she did the same thing i did and i didnt even get mad at her and she just made up a stupid excuse. Well....the third week of our break up i was doing very very little contact, but when i did contact her we talked for a while and thats when i found out she had sex with another dude. So all in all Ive been doing NC for about a week and a half.

 

Like your Ex i wanted to get back with mine and hopefully make it work, which was stupid of me because i dont know why i would want someone who treats me like that. She lead me on for a little bit after the break up thinking we could maybe work, but than she told me we could never work again. Which to tell you the truth I'm relieved she said that because if i had gotten back with her i would still have to go through all the stuff she has been putting me through. Im sorry your ex lead you on but like you said its a positive thing because you can now move on. She didnt deserve all the things you were giving her because she was never giving back and you already knew that, but you just couldnt get away. Thats how i felt with my Ex. Well now we are away and its a good thing. It feels weird being single especially when it first hit me because i got so used to being in a relationship. But i know eventually ill get used to being single again.

 

I'm glad you dont have to see your Ex at school anymore i still have to see mine a little bit longer. My semester ends in early May so maybe just two more weeks of having to see her. Its funny how you say you feel like slapping yourself for not ending it sooner and putting up with her stuff because you loved her because that is exactly how i felt with my ex. I wanted to break it off sooner but i just loved her so much. I should have listened to my gut but i never did.

 

You are completely right about me improving myself and working on myself. I am going to work even harder on improving everything I do. I invested so much time with her that it feels weird not having her here anymore and having all this free time.

 

How long have you been doing NC? and have you started dating other girls yet? I feel like i cant start dating any other girls yet because it would be unfair to them because im still not completely over my ex.

[confused1989]

Hey man well I know how hard it is when they still want sex after the breakup. My ex suggested a booty call, and she said probably 2 or 3 times that we should have sex. Not going to lie everytime she said that to me I was turned on and ready to go but I told her no everytime. I told her that I was not being her dildo and I was real worried about having sex while we were broke up because I know my feelings would get stronger for her again and I knew she wouldn't want to get back together.

 

But all in all man I can see why you did have sex with her, and it took a LOT for me not to. It made me depressed just turning it down. It messed with my head a lot.

 

Good for you for being NC for over a week and a half though, you are well on your way. It must kill knowing she had sex with another guy but this should make you want to move on even more.

 

It definitely feels weird being single again. Me and my ex were rocky in January and I would say we broke up around the end of January but I can't really remember because things were so confusing and messy and we still talked all the time and showed feelings but we weren't together. But you definitely feel a bit empty I know what you mean, but I'm starting to slowly move away from that stage and accepting stuff for what it is and learning how to be single again.

 

I know what you mean about it being weird having all this free time. But I am slowly thinking of ideas of new hobbies for me and ways to make myself feel better and at the same time make myself more attractive to other people. You will slowly get used to it man I don't know where you're at now... I really struggled at first and I still struggle from time to time but not near as bad. I am actually starting to get excited about my future instead of dwelling on what just happened.

 

How long have I been in NC? Well like I said we broke up I'd say around the end of January, but we continued talking until March and I could see that she was moving on with her life big time even though she was saying she still loved me and wanted to be with me, I tried for 2 months to get her back and she met a TON of new guys and was going on road trips partying and everything. She told me one day she wanted me the next day she said she was over me. She told me not to wait around on her and then she told me she didn't mean it and she was just confusing the hell out of me to the point where I was suffering so bad.

 

So I sent her a email I'd say it was mid to late March, somewhere around the 23rd or something and I told her we can't talk anymore and I was disappointed in her for giving me mixed messages and I took all her belongings from my apartment and put them in a place at our university where she could go pick them up and it hurt like hell but I knew I had to do it.

 

So I've been in NC since then, a couple of weeks. But I have seen her a couple of times since then since we live in a small town. She has approached me a couple of times when I've been in the library doing work and stuff like that. Disrespectful after I already told her basically to leave me alone and let me move on.

 

The longest I have gone without getting a text from her was 6 days even though I have told her 2 and a half or 3 weeks ago that we need to stop talking. She will still text me from time to time. I just ignore them now. I don't expect to hear from her anymore but she did text me again tonight, although it did not mean anything. So I just ignore it and move on with my day.

 

 

I haven't started dating other girls yet. And I won't be dating other girls anytime soon. You are right don't use anyone as a rebound if you're

not ready for it, don't feel pressure to do it at all.

 

For me all it would do is make me miss my ex as I'm not over her at all yet. I'm just doing well on my own for now, I'll know when the times right to start dating other girls again and for now I'm just going to enjoy being single and not having to worry about anyone else for once but myself. I'm not going to compete with her, if she gets a boyfriend tomorrow good for her it won't affect how I'm going to be living my life for the next little while.

Edited April 10, 2011 by confused1989

[ludachris]

ya i know what you mean im definatly not ready to date.....i ****ing called her last night like an idiot. I just really wanted to see how she was doing and when i called her she would barely speak and she wouldnt really listen to what i was saying. when she did speak she told me that she just got birth control and she was going into detail about the birth control and how she could still have sex with it in her(its like a ring or something) and it just made me think about her having sex with other guys. It made me sad again so i told her i had to go. I shouldnt have called her but i dont really feel like it set me back i just felt sad last night. I wont call her again.

[confused1989]

hey luda, try to fight those feelings man when you feel like calling her. I felt like doing that many times too, but really nothing good is going to come out of it.

 

I admit I slipped a couple of times at the very start of the breakup and asked her how she was doing. You know what she told me? Great, awesome! Things are fantastic! And my heart would rip and tear. So I didn't make that mistake anymore.

 

She even brought up sex which is not very respectful of her at all.

 

Well I'm glad it didn't set you back. Be careful though if you try it again you might get her telling you about other guys specifically. Don't take that chance man. She will probably try to rub stuff in your face just like my ex did with me and continues to do any chance she gets.

 

How you doing now? keep me posted.

[confused1989]

Still in NC... got another couple of texts last night.

 

Texted me saying this time of year makes her miss Greece, we went there together last year. Said she wishes we were going again.

 

Pretty ironic since she initiated the breakup and kicked me out of the hawaii trip we were supposed to go on in a few weeks.

 

She never ceases to amaze me. I told her few weeks ago that we needed to stop talking, I can handle the "good luck on your test" stuff or "good luck with your presentation" messages.

 

But now she's trying to get me to think about the trip we went on together which lasted 18 days and we had the time of our lives on.

 

It's not killing me as much as you guys may think though. I read it, and then I let it go, I didn't cry or feel too hurt over it. Probably because I expect her to keep trying to get at me. I was just a little surprised that she'd be blunt enough to say something like that out of the blue when it could of POSSIBLY got me real down.

 

How disrespectful can someone get?

[confused1989]

... and another one. Telling me how excited she is to have her exams over with.

 

I'm not reading into any of these, I'm not posting these here because I think she's on her way back into my arms. I don't think that at all, and I don't even know if I'd want that.

 

It's just unreal to witness the power of NC. She's stubborn and she's been sending messages to me ever since I told her not to, and is basically talking to herself for the past few weeks.

[fetish]

your story is very inspiring regarding NC. I'm working on doing that since i've been in LC. We broke up all of a sudden on February 11 and i tried to go straight in to NC, but i would fall for a few bread crumb texts from her. The longest i actually went NC was 10 days. I've only seen her twice since the break up.

 

Great you're seeing the power of NC. With that being said, do you think you could ever take her back? Is she really back on her way in to your arms or do you think you're starting to grow out of her?

[confused1989]

The texts are definitely hard to not give into. Especially when they keep coming back again and again. We should have been NC for almost a month now, but she seems to cave and text me every couple of days.

 

As for if I could ever take her back, well that's a hard question. I don't ever think about her coming back to me, so I haven't put much thought into it really. These texts she's sending me, I'm not sure exactly what they mean, and why she's doing it. She's a bit back and forth, I mean she said she wishes we were going back to Greece again but I'm not sure if she meant with me or with the group we were in. I didn't mention that but we did go to Greece with about 8 other people but we spent a lot of our time there together obviously and did stuff on our own. I used to tell her I could never see myself going back to Greece without her, and how she made the trip amazing, and she would often say "huh? I'm going back whether it's with you or not." and that was when we were together and it didn't make me feel very important. I honestly wouldn't be able to go back there without her and the good memories we had. I saw it as "our" trip although we were there with other people, but I think she might see it differently than me, I'm not sure. We did jet off to a greek island for 7 of those days on our own though.

 

So these messages I don't know if they have any meaning, I'm not sure why she continues to do it. We rarely see each other anymore, I have probably bumped into her 3 or 4 times since I told her to leave me alone about a month ago.

 

The thing is, I really do love her. But she doesn't show any signs of respecting me, I don't know what's going on in her head. All I can say from my point of view is that if she respected me more and changed things we could have worked out, and I believe we had a lot of good but she had issues that needed to be fixed before we could ever work again. Mostly she would just have to respect me a lot more and that might be a hard thing to gain.

 

As for growing out of her, well I am definitely moving forward but I am still obviously hung up on her. I compare other girls to her, she's still on my mind a lot although it's not as painful as before.

 

I put the effort in before, she would have to do some convincing that she would not do this to me again if we were to ever get back together. However, I really really don't think she's coming back.

Edited April 14, 2011 by confused1989

[TheLoneSock]

Confused, it's becoming more and more obvious that you are doing all of this for the wrong reasons. Despite all your efforts you are still deep down trying to win her back. Because of this you are doomed to go in circles repeatedly with yourself. I hope you wise up and get yourself out of this tailspin soon.

[confused1989]

Sorry.. I realize I am being confusing. Hence the name confused1989.

 

I just can't say for sure somewhere down the road whether or not I would take her back. So I don't want to say a clear cut "No, done with her forever" kind of thing. However I do not see a future with us anytime soon, that's not to say it can't happen someday.

 

I appreciate your viewpoint and honesty that you think I'm doing NC for the wrong reasons. Just so you know though I would be responding if I really did want her back right here and right now. I also am going on a road trip with the guys next weekend and am planning on having the time of my life. I also have a trip planned now for June and possibly August.

 

Maybe I'm being a bit contradictory or something. I want her to regret what she did and see that she missed out on what she had, I am in need of an ego boost obviously and although I can't rely on her for that I am hoping someday she realizes what she had.

 

Anyway I guess I can see how my last reply to fetish makes it seem like I'm using NC to win her back. He asked me difficult questions that made me think. I probably did not write a very good response to them either.

 

I was doing too good not to backslide a little. That's not to say if she showed up at my door right now I would be jumping for joy, I am still learning to be on my own, do my own things, etc since it has only been about 3 and a half weeks ago that I cut her loose.

[confused1989]

I think I am going to take a little break from this forum until I am clear about what I want to say, because I am starting to see how back and forth my posts are, even though I feel like I am way stronger than I was just weeks ago.

[TheLoneSock]

I also am going on a road trip with the guys next weekend and am planning on having the time of my life. I also have a trip planned now for June and possibly August.

 

Excellent.

 

Maybe I'm being a bit contradictory or something. I want her to regret what she did and see that she missed out on what she had, I am in need of an ego boost obviously and although I can't rely on her for that I am hoping someday she realizes what she had.

 

You need to zero in on this point here with the precision of a heat seeking missile. As long as you want her to feel regret, it isn't going to happen. It isn't until you can let go of the need for validation from her that she will actually give it to you. It's f*cked up, but that's how it is. It will take time.

 

If a break from the forum is what you need, then do it. Only you can know. Enjoy your trip with the boys, make the absolute most of it!

[fetish]

Anyway I guess I can see how my last reply to fetish makes it seem like I'm using NC to win her back. He asked me difficult questions that made me think. I probably did not write a very good response to them either.

 

I was responding to what you said in your earlier post today (post #66) about her being on her way back in to your arms.

 

here's the quote

I'm not reading into any of these, I'm not posting these here because I think she's on her way back into my arms.

 

I knew i may have misunderstood, that's what made me ask.

 

 

Maybe I'm being a bit contradictory or something. I want her to regret what she did and see that she missed out on what she had, I am in need of an ego boost obviously and although I can't rely on her for that I am hoping someday she realizes what she had.

 

It does feel good when you know she's thinking of you. I too am at that same stage where i want her to really feel that she messed up a good thing that she had. I don't want her thinking that she can just have me back that easily, so i'm still dodging her attempts @ trying to hang out.

 

I personally don't think you went into NC to try to win her back, but like me you want her to feel regret for what she did. That's alright, we have a right to feel that way, we're human. But i do see Loneshock's point, it's still a way of seeking validation from them. I can't speak for you, but me, I need to get any validation from my ex out of my head. It will not only make me feel more confident, but it will be better for me in the long run, hopefully to the point i no longer care.

 

AS for NC, my girl is usually the one to initiate contact. About 2 weeks after our split, she was talking about she wanted to be friends and do the same things we used to do together. I told her i wasn't ready and it was going to take some time to accept her at that level. I told her that i needed to take some time out to regroup and that she's free now and she may want to start dating other people.

Edited April 14, 2011 by fetish

[confused1989]

Excellent.

 

 

 

You need to zero in on this point here with the precision of a heat seeking missile. As long as you want her to feel regret, it isn't going to happen. It isn't until you can let go of the need for validation from her that she will actually give it to you. It's f*cked up, but that's how it is. It will take time.

 

If a break from the forum is what you need, then do it. Only you can know. Enjoy your trip with the boys, make the absolute most of it!

 

Thanks Lonesock, I know, it will take time. These past few weeks have been hectic so maybe I'm not thinking clearly. However after this week is over things will calm down and I can focus on having fun and doing stuff for me rather than focusing on school.

 

I'll definitely make the most of it, I already have a couple of girls out that way who really seem to want to see me and hang out which I'm excited for, although it will be nothing more than casual and nothing serious. And I get to see a bunch of guys who I didn't see in months. Pretty excited.

[betterdeal]

Moving on up there, brother!

 

I recommend you change your phone number, or call her and say, directly, please stop texting me, I have nothing to say to you and don't want to hear from you, if they are bothering you at all. But saying that, you're not replying and that's 80% of the work done.

 

Regards the future, it doesn't exist. Not yet. So don't be fretting over who your future you may or may not be bumping uglies with. The future her is probably not going to be as good as the future girl you end up with.

 

I have a theory that we tend to end up with someone who's in the same state of health as us. Therefore, if you want a healthy relationship with a healthy person, improving your health is the best thing you can do to ensure that. And it has it's own intrinsic value anyway.