19 & married. At wits end! ='(

[Linnbby]

THIS IS REALLY LONG BUT PLZ READ!!!

 

Hello. My name is LinnRose and I'm 19 years old, currently been married for 8 months & I need advice. Me & my husband met when I was 17 & he was 19, as you can see we were fairly young. 2 months into it he left me to go to the army & I ended up cheating on him w/ another man, something I could never bring myself to do today.

 

It went on for eight months total , I confessed once & after that continued to cheat (stupid enough) because I was young dumb & very naive when it came to relationships. I jumped in head first & didn't know anything about being with someone. I was hurt when he left & I went to seek someone to fix my pain, something you should never do. The second time around after I cheated, I almost got caught & completely stopped. I did love the guy but I stopped everything. I got on my knees and prayed so hard w/ everything in my body for God to guide me, forgive & heal me. I begged for forgiveness of my sin & for Jesus to come into my heart & he did. After that I did everything I needed to, to never speak to this man again, & I mean everything. I can't believe how foolish I was.

 

A month later I opened a new chapter in my life, marriage. I married him & have been faithful ever since. My husband got discharged from the army but before he came home he was stationed in Alaska. It was hard. We got into arguments a lot, we were very violently verbal with each other almost everyday & again I had an empty feeling because he was gone. It was bad enough that i didnt have him physically, but half the tine he was too busy w/ his friends & video games to pay any attention to me. He even tried to break it off w/ me after i waited so patiently for him to come back, but thats a whole different story. He eventually came home & two weeks with him being home we got into a horrible physical fight. He moved out of my house & 1 month later we decided to work it out. Sadly again, we got into another violent physical altercation that led to him once again leaving me alone, to suffer by myself. Ever since then things have been rocky. We've broken up several times over the phone just to get back together, arguing constantly. We've talked about marriage counseling but never went.

 

*lately I've been feeling detached. He's my husband but I rarely get to see him, he barely makes time for me & I'm left feeling like I felt before he came back home. This morning he told me it wasn't working out & he's been saying this for a week. I was fighting so hard for him to change his mind because I feel like me giving up would be a disappointment to God. Well I finally gave I'm & said we're better off being friends & of course he started to regret telling me it was over. I recently got into contact w/ my previous lover & he's made smile for the first time in a long time but will dare not cross the line & cheat while I'm married. We're so young, I'm 19 he's 21. What do you think it's best for me to do?

[BlindRage]

What I think is the best thing to do is -its sad I'm being so honest- divorce. You are still in the honey moon phase and yet its a world war with the both of you. Don't use your religion as a shield to stick to your relationship. I'm sure that God would want you to be happy -the both of you- and not miserable. This should be hard and you both did a mistake getting married so young.

[Hazel_eyes]

I don't agree with the above post, yet I am someone who does not believe in divorce (with the exception of marital unfaithfulness) for religious reasons. I believed this before I got married, and went into my marriage thinking this. I made a covenant not only to my husband, but also do God. I also don't believe in the whole 'God will be happy if I do what I want if it makes me happy' theory. What would our relationships be like if we only did what made us happy and ignored the other person's boundaries? Why should our relationship with God be any different? God has feelings too.

 

I can relate to you in that I too got married very young, at 19. I have been married for a few of years and it has not been easy. But no marriage is. However there are some extremely serious problems in your relationship. You seem to have major faithfulness issues. And you both have violent tendencies. I'm sorry, I hope I don't offend, but to me it sounds like you need some marriage counseling and perhaps some individual counseling as well. There is never, ever a reason to verbally and physically assault anyone, this is immature and dangerous. You both don't sound emotionally grounded at the moment.

 

I can tell his being gone and his going out with friends and devoting time to video games has hurt you. Obviously he must be devastated by the fact that you keep running to other guys with your heart. And both of you must be destroyed over the abuse you have BOTH put each other through. I say that to say that I think that that is the key to fixing this. Both acknowledging that both have done equal wrong here in a non threatening way.

 

Get counseling asap. Perhaps you guys should separate for awhile. That doesn't mean that it's over, but it doesn't sound healthy the environment you have created with each other. Separate, decide if you truly want to make this work or not, and if you do get counseling and work. It's gonna be rough, but if you both decide you want it then nothing will stop you. I wish you only happiness in whatever you decide with your future!

[TheLoneSock]

Many parts of modern Christianity were injected by the Catholic church, and were never, in fact, part of the bible or God's true word. This is not to say that this gives people the right to pick and choose which part of Christianity they will abide by when expecting to have a relationship with God, but it does mean that a looser adaptation may be required for a better understanding of God's expectations for us.

 

The bible teaches about fornication, which essentially is sexual activity outside of marriage. But a more appropriate translation may be sexual activity outside of love - meaning sexual lust and engaging in sexual activity with people whom you have no love for, only physical desires. This is the way I feel about Christianity anyway, only He can say for certain.

 

Only God knows if you truly love someone; he knows whether or not you are having sex with someone out of love or lust. God's word also teaches us to be fruitful and prosper - in the Old Testament Abraham had several children with several different wives. This is an extreme example, but you get the idea.

 

My point is, it's ok to make mistakes. Especially when you are young. We were created imperfect so that we can spend our time trying to become better as humans. You are not a bad Christian for the situation you are in, you are simply a Christian who has made mistakes - He will understand... I promise. This doesn't mean that you should run out and get a divorce, but it does mean that God may be choosing to open a different door for you in life, it just hasn't been revealed to you yet. Remember that God cares first and foremost about your relationship with Him; your relationship to your boyfriend/fiance/husband is secondary in his priorities. Just follow your heart and be as true to Him (God) as you can.

Edited March 26, 2011 by TheLoneSock

[Linnbby]

I don't agree with the above post, yet I am someone who does not believe in divorce (with the exception of marital unfaithfulness) for religious reasons. I believed this before I got married, and went into my marriage thinking this. I made a covenant not only to my husband, but also do God. I also don't believe in the whole 'God will be happy if I do what I want if it makes me happy' theory. What would our relationships be like if we only did what made us happy and ignored the other person's boundaries? Why should our relationship with God be any different? God has feelings too.

 

I can relate to you in that I too got married very young, at 19. I have been married for a few of years and it has not been easy. But no marriage is. However there are some extremely serious problems in your relationship. You seem to have major faithfulness issues. And you both have violent tendencies. I'm sorry, I hope I don't offend, but to me it sounds like you need some marriage counseling and perhaps some individual counseling as well. There is never, ever a reason to verbally and physically assault anyone, this is immature and dangerous. You both don't sound emotionally grounded at the moment.

 

I can tell his being gone and his going out with friends and devoting time to video games has hurt you. Obviously he must be devastated by the fact that you keep running to other guys with your heart. And both of you must be destroyed over the abuse you have BOTH put each other through. I say that to say that I think that that is the key to fixing this. Both acknowledging that both have done equal wrong here in a non threatening way.

 

Get counseling asap. Perhaps you guys should separate for awhile. That doesn't mean that it's over, but it doesn't sound healthy the environment you have created with each other. Separate, decide if you truly want to make this work or not, and if you do get counseling and work. It's gonna be rough, but if you both decide you want it then nothing will stop you. I wish you only happiness in whatever you decide with your future!

 

Thnk you both for the advice. I noticed that you said "keep running to other guys" there is no "keep" & "guys" w/ an "s" because it was one dude and o stopped before I got married, & it never happened again after that. I do agree w/ you on everything else though, I just feel like I'm trapped almost. I married way too young , feeling pressured & this is what it got me. The last thing I want is a divorce but I want to experience life being young. I'm such a housewife. I stay home everyday - minus school- & never go anywhere w/ friend because he doesn't trust me. If you check my call log the only persons number on there is his & I also cut off all of my male friends for him, but he still doesn't trust me. Me & him will meet tomorrow to discuss things bit at this rate idk if it'll even help.

[Linnbby]

Many parts of modern Christianity were injected by the Catholic church, and were never, in fact, part of the bible or God's true word. This is not to say that this gives people the right to pick and choose which part of Christianity they will abide by when expecting to have a relationship with God, but it does mean that a looser adaptation may be required for a better understanding of God's expectations for us.

 

The bible teaches about fornication, which essentially is sexual activity outside of marriage. But a more appropriate translation may be sexual activity outside of love - meaning sexual lust and engaging in sexual activity with people whom you have no love for, only physical desires. This is the way I feel about Christianity anyway, only He can say for certain.

 

Only God knows if you truly love someone; he knows whether or not you are having sex with someone out of love or lust. God's word also teaches us to be fruitful and prosper - in the Old Testament Abraham had several children with several different wives. This is an extreme example, but you get the idea.

 

My point is, it's ok to make mistakes. Especially when you are young. We were created imperfect so that we can spend our time trying to become better as humans. You are not a bad Christian for the situation you are in, you are simply a Christian who has made mistakes - He will understand... I promise. This doesn't mean that you should run out and get a divorce, but it does mean that God may be choosing to open a different door for you in life, it just hasn't been revealed to you yet. Remember that God cares first and foremost about your relationship with Him; your relationship to your boyfriend/fiance/husband is secondary in his priorities. Just follow your heart and be as true to Him (God) as you can.

 

Wow. Very well spoken. This is definitely what I needed to hear! Thank you much

[Thedude22]

19? God that was a terrible idea. Statistically you are going to get a divorce. So if you want to get it over with just do it now before your finances get so intertwined it becomes a nightmare. Plus with age you can just put it behind you and forget you were ever married.

[somedude81]

Please get a divorce now before you have kids.

 

The absolute worst thing you can do is bring kids into the toxic life that you and your husband are living in.

[Citizen Erased]

Divorce him.

 

Clearly God meant nothing to you when you were opening your legs for another man. Or letting that man back into your life enough to make you "smile" (come on, you KNOW that is inappropriate). Nor does God have much meaning in either of your lives when you're using each other as punching bags, emotionally or otherwise.

 

Your relationship is dead, you made a mistake in marrying each other. NO amount of counseling or Church going will renew your relationship, not when there is abuse and cheating involved.

[rabbitryhsrnisinee]

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[Linnbby]

Divorce him.

 

Clearly God meant nothing to you when you were opening your legs for another man. Or letting that man back into your life enough to make you "smile" (come on, you KNOW that is inappropriate). Nor does God have much meaning in either of your lives when you're using each other as punching bags, emotionally or otherwise.

 

Your relationship is dead, you made a mistake in marrying each other. NO amount of counseling or Church going will renew your relationship, not when there is abuse and cheating involved.

 

And clearly God meant nothing to you when you decided to write this comment. Pls dnt use God as an excuse to criticise or judge me. I've only slept with two men in my life & I plan to keep it that way. & if you believe in God you know there's never an impossible situation that he can't pull you through. I don't know what you've been through in life but I believe in a man that creates miracles. You may need it yourself.

[BlindRage]

We aren't in a church debate or religion recruitment here. If you believe it then just pray for the best. If you're offend by people stating their opinions then you should stick with only talking to your priest about your problems. People here want to help you with logic and knowledge they acquired from years of personal experience, not a miracle.

[Goldenspoon]

You SO NEED boundaries. You should NOT "talk" to another man when you're married. Period.

 

Act like a married woman and not some girl who's open for flirting and relationships.

[oldguy]

If there is physical abuse on either or both sides you need to stay away from each other

Then there is the obvious; you really should develop a life and a sense of self independent of another person.I say that mostly because you have made some poor relationship choices, in regards to cheating & now your thinking about getting involved in another relationship even before you've ended this one. You really need to live and grow as an independent woman for a few years. In other words; you literally need to grow up.

It's a tragic that we develop sexually at least 10 years before we develop mentally / emotionally. That not meant as sarcasm, it's simply a fact.

Edited March 26, 2011 by oldguy

[Citizen Erased]

And clearly God meant nothing to you when you decided to write this comment. Pls dnt use God as an excuse to criticise or judge me. I've only slept with two men in my life & I plan to keep it that way. & if you believe in God you know there's never an impossible situation that he can't pull you through. I don't know what you've been through in life but I believe in a man that creates miracles. You may need it yourself.

My point was that you're using God to excuse your past behaviour, as in well I let Him into my life so therefor screwing another guy is cool. And now you're staying with your husband, when you have stated physical abuse has occurred, because divorce is a sin. It would be a very cruel God that would consider your life's path to be better served under a man's fist than living it happy and content and SAFE. If you want to believe in that kind of Lord, you go right ahead. You're only 19, imagine your relationship continuing like this, getting worse, because you were too afraid due to what MAN preaches, not God.

 

You're very young. The thought of you throwing your life away in this awful relationship pisses me off, excuse me if my tone isn't the pat you on the head and send you on your merry way kind you were seeking.

[Linnbby]

My point was that you're using God to excuse your past behaviour, as in well I let Him into my life so therefor screwing another guy is cool. And now you're staying with your husband, when you have stated physical abuse has occurred, because divorce is a sin. It would be a very cruel God that would consider your life's path to be better served under a man's fist than living it happy and content and SAFE. If you want to believe in that kind of Lord, you go right ahead. You're only 19, imagine your relationship continuing like this, getting worse, because you were too afraid due to what MAN preaches, not God.

 

You're very young. The thought of you throwing your life away in this awful relationship pisses me off, excuse me if my tone isn't the pat you on the head and send you on your merry way kind you were seeking.

 

Sigh, once again. The only person to judge me will be the one who created me. Me using God as an excuse is praying to god for forgiveness & continually doing it again. for everyone reading this me talking to this other guy is not me trying to get with him. No way shape or form. That would be so hard being that I love the guy I'm with now & it hurts to have to go through divorce. The guy I've talked to is me confiding in a friend. I just needed someone to hear me & actually talk to me like a civil human being without trying to bite my head off & honestly it did make me feel good to get tht off my chest, srry if thts bad. Honestly this is making me feel like crap, I dnt know why I decided to come here. I was Looking for some mature advice not for someone to call me a slut & tell me how f*cked up my life is, then use God as a way to justify his actions. All in all, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all.

[Linnbby]

We aren't in a church debate or religion recruitment here. If you believe it then just pray for the best. If you're offend by people stating their opinions then you should stick with only talking to your priest about your problems. People here want to help you with logic and knowledge they acquired from years of personal experience, not a miracle.

 

Everyone has a right to their opinion. It's just how you deliver it is all that matters

[Goldenspoon]

The guy I've talked to is me confiding in a friend.

 

Don't you have relatives you can confide in? How about girl friends? Does it have to be a man?

[Linnbby]

Don't you have relatives you can confide in? How about girl friends? Does it have to be a man?

 

No I have no friends! & it's his fault that I don't :/

[somedude81]

JESSICA: Here, catch this casket; it is worth the pains.

I am glad 'tis night, you do not look on me,

For I am much ashamed of my exchange:

But love is blind and lovers cannot see

The pretty follies that themselves commit;

For if they could, Cupid himself would blush

To see me thus transformed to a boy.

[Eddie Edirol]

Everyone has a right to their opinion. It's just how you deliver it is all that matters

 

So even if youre given the good advise you are looking for, you wont listen to it because you cant handle the words? What Citizen told you was on point, you came here for advise, not to be defensive. If youre willing to listen, you will get the advise you need. There are people here who have been through what youve been through, and onlty want to help you, not insult you. You should listen to them and not worry about their delivery.

 

When youre 19, these are the years to learn how to be in relationships and learn the mistakes to avoid making for when you get married. You already know you got married too young, you still have more personalities to check out before you stay with one forever.

 

Ok, hold on to your hat, this is something you have a problem reading!

 

God will not help you get through this marriage, only you do. God didnt help you cheat on your husband. Do you think God created those feelings of loneliness so that you would cheat on your husband? No. its all on you, and youre only human. When youre in a relationship, you want to SEE the person youre with and feel love from them.

 

You got lonely because your husband wasnt there, and your relationship wasnt working out. if you werent married, you could have moved on to a guy that treated you better. You would have learned from this relationship and moved on.

 

You will probably do the same thing everyone else does, which is date a few people, try out different personalities, and then at 27 or 28 years old, you find one guy that is perfect for you, and THEN and ONLY THEN you consider marriage (and that guy doesnt travel for a living leaving you lonely).

 

So you should divorce now, because you will be doing it eventually anyway after youre completely exhausted from trying to make it work and failing. You cant change who anyone really is, and neither you or your husband will change, so nothing will get better especially if he is too frustrated with you to WANT to make things get better.

 

Nothing will work with miracles, it will work from you making better descisions. You asked what you should do, if there is a certain answer you want people to agree with you on, just say so.

[Linnbby]

So even if youre given the good advise you are looking for, you wont listen to it because you cant handle the words? What Citizen told you was on point, you came here for advise, not to be defensive. If youre willing to listen, you will get the advise you need. There are people here who have been through what youve been through, and onlty want to help you, not insult you. You should listen to them and not worry about their delivery.

 

When youre 19, these are the years to learn how to be in relationships and learn the mistakes to avoid making for when you get married. You already know you got married too young, you still have more personalities to check out before you stay with one forever.

 

Ok, hold on to your hat, this is something you have a problem reading!

 

God will not help you get through this marriage, only you do. God didnt help you cheat on your husband. Do you think God created those feelings of loneliness so that you would cheat on your husband? No. its all on you, and youre only human. When youre in a relationship, you want to SEE the person youre with and feel love from them.

 

You got lonely because your husband wasnt there, and your relationship wasnt working out. if you werent married, you could have moved on to a guy that treated you better. You would have learned from this relationship and moved on.

 

You will probably do the same thing everyone else does, which is date a few people, try out different personalities, and then at 27 or 28 years old, you find one guy that is perfect for you, and THEN and ONLY THEN you consider marriage (and that guy doesnt travel for a living leaving you lonely).

 

So you should divorce now, because you will be doing it eventually anyway after youre completely exhausted from trying to make it work and failing. You cant change who anyone really is, and neither you or your husband will change, so nothing will get better especially if he is too frustrated with you to WANT to make things get better.

 

Nothing will work with miracles, it will work from you making better descisions. You asked what you should do, if there is a certain answer you want people to agree with you on, just say so.

 

Of course not. When have I ever, EVER said God made me cheat? Are you kidding me?! I probably would never forgive myself for saying such a dumb thing. Whatever we go through in life, no matter the situation, 50% of the blame always goes on us & never on God. God gave us a free will & the power to make our choices, to choose our destiny. I cannot blame anyone including my husband for what I allowed myself to go through & never will. The most I ask of God is for Forgiveness, & guidance. From there on I know he'll spiritually be there to help me rebuild my relationship & if you don't believe in tht then your undermining the power of God.

 

But good news, god answered my prayers lastnight as I sent an email to my pastor. I asked god for guidance & the next day I got the best advice of my life. The pastor respectfully told me what I knew all along, there's no need for divorce. & today I've talked to my husband heart to heart , which I haven't done in a long time. It was very emotional & I feel much better. We both are seeking individual counseling as well as marriage counseling, which is really needed. I swear the only thing God takes the blame for is making me have hope once again. I do thank you all for even the harsh criticism. I just needed a shoulder to cry on in reality & I've gotten that. Never fall for the devils lies. Never.

[BlindRage]

I'm really shocked at how OP responded to this thread. Not to sound rude but you should go to college (if you haven't). I think it would really help you become a logical/critical thinker.

 

I found this thread pretty disturbing.

[Linnbby]

I'm really shocked at how OP responded to this thread. Not to sound rude but you should go to college (if you haven't). I think it would really help you become a logical/critical thinker.

 

I found this thread pretty disturbing.

 

Yes I'm sure you did.. & maybe that's why for some reason you continue to come back to "get the last word" or fulfill your needs, whatever it may be. Also Yes, I'm in college for cognitive science, and I'm also considering psychology. I will say for an adult to continue to come back trying to "softly" insult me or "call me dumb" to be more precise, I don't think should be the person who should place judgement on others for that matter. Thank you.

[Ross PK]

Things could be worse, you could be a life long Incel like me.