Mentally ill mother effecting my marriage

[Lauriebell82]

I have posted that my mother struggles with mental illness, mostly depression and anxiety with some paranoia/psychosis mixed in. She has been progressively getting worse and it is literally tearing our family apart. None of us know what to do. She self medicates with alcohol, not to the point where she is dependent, but she'll drink in order to deal with her depression.

 

Anyway, my husband has trouble accepting/dealing with this situation. He seems to feel that we should just ignore her and hope for the best. I have tried to keep this between our family and not involve him so much. I've really tried to seperate myself and not get upset about it, but it's very difficult. My husband is not empathetic anymore, he basically just tells me I shouldn't get upset and try to forget abou tit. I ignore her calls, like yesterday she chain called me at work and it was upsetting, but I tried to push it out of my mind and not bring it home, which I did. Basically I pretended it didn't happen.

 

He overheard a bad conversation with my dad today and it started a big mess. After I got off the phone I tried to push it out of my mind and suggested we go do something but was already upset and said that if he empathized with me he would be enabling me.

[Lauriebell82]

By the way, I posted another thread about this a few years ago in which I got really defensive at all the responses I was getting. I promise I won't do that in this one! I'm open to suggestions and advice, even if it's hard to hear!

[sally4sara]

He overheard a bad conversation with my dad today and it started a big mess. After I got off the phone I tried to push it out of my mind and suggested we go do something but was already upset and said that if he empathized with me he would be enabling me.

 

HE said empathizing with you would be enabling or you said that?

 

You know, we're not robots. Its pretty normal to be upset about a close family member's mental health issues. Its not like an addiction YOU have where anyone who empathizes is an enabler. Don't beat yourself up about giving a damn about your ma. And don't let anyone make you feel guilty about being upset by it either.

 

I'd try to keep any troubling vmails she leaves and get together with a family member to cam an "episode" if possible. This has been going on for a long time now and she needs help. I remember you saying she has just enough wits about her to act normal when being observed over this and it prevents having her committed for treatment so that might fit the bill in this case.

[threebyfate]

Lb, is she physically violent or capable of violence to either herself or others?

[Lauriebell82]

Lb, is she physically violent or capable of violence to either herself or others?

 

She has displayed violence towards my dad, such as pushing him or smacking him. She also has slashed his shirts and pants and he has worn them to work before. She has punched holes in doors and walls while under the influence of alcohol. So I would say she has been physically abusive, but her violence is more contained to objects, not people. She has never voiced any thoughts of hurting herself either.

[threebyfate]

She has displayed violence towards my dad, such as pushing him or smacking him. She also has slashed his shirts and pants and he has worn them to work before. She has punched holes in doors and walls while under the influence of alcohol. So I would say she has been physically abusive, but her violence is more contained to objects, not people. She has never voiced any thoughts of hurting herself either.

But she has displayed violence both to your father and objects. In situations like this, if you call the police, can't you build a historical precedence case for mental health intervention within your jurisdiction?

 

The reason I mention this is that you and your family can't continue on like this, particularly if it's affecting your marriage. You all have to be consistent in reporting incidents like this or you're going to have to distance yourself from her which includes call block, etc. and if necessary, a restraining order.

[allina]

If she refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem there isn't much you can do. I know it's hard but I would distance myself from her and the situation. Do your best to support and love your dad, but remember that this is a grown man and he should step up to her.

 

You cannot allow her to destroy your marriage. I do believe that your husband could be more sympathetic but sometimes it's hard to support someone through the same thing over and over again.

 

My MIL is very out of control at times, which upsets my FIL and my hubby. While I feel bad, she has ruined so many days for me that I just dob't care about her sh*t anymore. Like your husband, I too would be upset if my SO allowed for his mom to ruin our day.

[Lauriebell82]

If she refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem there isn't much you can do. I know it's hard but I would distance myself from her and the situation. Do your best to support and love your dad, but remember that this is a grown man and he should step up to her.

 

You cannot allow her to destroy your marriage. I do believe that your husband could be more sympathetic but sometimes it's hard to support someone through the same thing over and over again.

 

My MIL is very out of control at times, which upsets my FIL and my hubby. While I feel bad, she has ruined so many days for me that I just dob't care about her sh*t anymore. Like your husband, I too would be upset if my SO allowed for his mom to ruin our day.

 

I actually think she DOES know she has a problem, she has just doesn't want to control it. Or maybe she does, but can't. I don't know. Anyway, you are right allina that this has been going on for a long time, and my husband does not like to see me upset and in pain just as you don't want to see your husband that way.

 

My husband suggested that I go to therapy once we have moved.

[Lauriebell82]

But she has displayed violence both to your father and objects. In situations like this, if you call the police, can't you build a historical precedence case for mental health intervention within your jurisdiction?

 

The reason I mention this is that you and your family can't continue on like this, particularly if it's affecting your marriage. You all have to be consistent in reporting incidents like this or you're going to have to distance yourself from her which includes call block, etc. and if necessary, a restraining order.

 

The police have been called to my parents before by neighbors because of noise complaints (they live in a townhouse). My mom reverts to "faking" her emotionality (if that's a word?) and my dad plays it off like a domestic dispute. The cops just rule it as such and leave. I think when push comes to shove my dad just doesn't have the balls to send her to jail or in a pysch ward. Maybe that's the problem.

[threebyfate]

The police have been called to my parents before by neighbors because of noise complaints (they live in a townhouse). My mom reverts to "faking" her emotionality (if that's a word?) and my dad plays it off like a domestic dispute. The cops just rule it as such and leave. I think when push comes to shove my dad just doesn't have the balls to send her to jail or in a pysch ward. Maybe that's the problem.

This has something to do with it but the rest of the family also have to do their share by encouraging your mother to get help. And when she's being abusive, you have to assert your own boundaries with a warning, then a hang-up if she's calling. If she begins harassing you, then you have to warn her that you're going to call block her, then call block her if she continues the verbal abuse. Same goes for the rest of your family.

 

I seem to recall that your parents are separated or has that situation been remedied?

[Star Gazer]

My husband suggested that I go to therapy once we have moved.

 

I think this is a good idea, LB. My mom isn't as bad as yours (only deals with depression), but my "issues" with her were dealt with in therapy and helped me find peace so that we now have a really good relationship. I'm no longer resentful.

 

There's alanon for folks who have alcoholic/drugaddict loved ones, but unfortunately I don't think there's something similar for folks with loved ones suffering from mental illness. But individual therapy is just as good, I think.

[Mme. Chaucer]

A family member with an untreated mental illness is very much like one with a drug or alcohol problem. It can tear a family apart. I'm sorry that your husband seems to be unsupportive of you, but in a sense he is on the right track. It's so tough, but if your mother will not seek help and PARTICIPATE FULLY in dealing with her own mental health issues, then you need to protect yourself and your marriage from the chaos.

 

If she seeks help and has struggles keeping with the program, then your help and involvement is more warranted.

 

I have one good friend with a paranoid schizophrenic mother. Mother refuses to take her meds, and "escapes" from her treatment oriented group homes in order to live on the streets of Seattle. Her behavior came close to messing up my friend's happy home, but she finally had to put some pretty firm and almost harsh boundaries in place.

 

Another friend has the same situation with her adult son. He is bipolar, refuses to stay on meds, and is often homeless. She and his dad tried and tried to help, but at last they had to choose to "let him go," pretty much.

[Lucky_One]

I would suggest treating this just as you would treat an alcoholic or a drug addict, with a family counselor who specializes in interventions.

 

Your dad will have to be on board with this, though, to include her attending an inpatient treatment center. It will take your entire family (to include your H) and possibly very very close friends.

 

Your H, while he may be tired of the whole thing, actually will need to be part of this process. This IS all part of the marital promise process, and if he expects your support during upcoming future issues (which will come, you can rest assured), then he needs to be proactive in the situation with your mother.

[Alma Mobley]

I'm sorry you're going through this, Lauriebell. We have the same problem with my husband's mother, who is bipolar. A few years ago she converted to another religion, stopped taking her medication, and started taking a "supplement" sold by a member of her church to treat her illness. Her behavior over the years became progressively worse, but it was right after our son was born that she became unbearable. Unfortunately, my husband had to cut her out of his life. Blocked her number, filters her emails, blocked her on Facebook. It took awhile for him to get to this point, but she is unreasonable and never acknowledges her behavior, so there is no talking to her about it.

 

One thing I did too, though, was listen to my husband when he talked about her. I never complained or showed that I was tired of it. Your husband needs to be supportive, but he needs to know there is going to be some kind of change. I don't know what, but you have gotten some good advice here.

 

Again, sorry you are going through this, I know it is hard.

[hoping2heal]

I have posted that my mother struggles with mental illness, mostly depression and anxiety with some paranoia/psychosis mixed in. She has been progressively getting worse and it is literally tearing our family apart. None of us know what to do. She self medicates with alcohol, not to the point where she is dependent, but she'll drink in order to deal with her depression.

 

Anyway, my husband has trouble accepting/dealing with this situation. He seems to feel that we should just ignore her and hope for the best. I have tried to keep this between our family and not involve him so much. I've really tried to seperate myself and not get upset about it, but it's very difficult. My husband is not empathetic anymore, he basically just tells me I shouldn't get upset and try to forget abou tit. I ignore her calls, like yesterday she chain called me at work and it was upsetting, but I tried to push it out of my mind and not bring it home, which I did. Basically I pretended it didn't happen.

 

He overheard a bad conversation with my dad today and it started a big mess. After I got off the phone I tried to push it out of my mind and suggested we go do something but was already upset and said that if he empathized with me he would be enabling me.

 

If this has been going on for a few years (and your posts suggest it has), I think what your H might be trying to say is he can see that she wants pitty, not to get better and that buying into her self destructive behavior is only sending your mom the message that what she is doing works. I mean, again this is just taking a shot in the dark.

 

What constructive and productive thing has your mother done to deal with her issues? Has she sought therapy or counselling? I think your husband is probably tired of seeing this hurt you, and because it is not his mother he can see what you are too close to see for yourself, and that is when someone is drowning and not bothering to grab the life raft..but instead grasping to just take more people down with them.

 

Normally, I would be disgusted by the lack of empathy and support from your husband, but since your post suggets this has been going on for years, it makes me wonder if this is more what is going on.

[laRubiaBonita]

while obviously your mom needs help; i am surprised your H is acting the way he is towards you.

 

i get that he is probably tired of seeing you get upset by your mother's actions and hysteria- but it is still your mother, and you are with in your rights to care and be concerned.

 

maybe H thinks that you will get over involved in her and it will cause you to experience issues with your own demons. i know my mother has some influence/ involvement in relation to issues i deal/ have dealt with... even though my mom and i have a great realtionship now- my mom knows exactly how to push all her kids buttons and lay on guilt.

 

so is your husband acting this way to protect you (and him)? or is he doing this with some other agenda in mind?

 

i really am having a hard time understanding why your husband cannot at the very least listen to you and let you get things off your chest- to just be a shoulder to cry on and to be there to support you. what does your mom and her problems have to do with how your H reacts to you?

[NoIDidn't]

I think your husband's lack of support of you during this difficulty is reprehensible. He married you and the whole shabang that you came with. His attitude is unacceptable.

 

He doesn't have to enable your mother, but he should be emotionally supporting you regardless of how fed up he is with your mom. None of you can control her.

 

His behavior in this instance is likely to spread to other areas. If you have kids, when they misbehave in school or at home, be prepared that he might run away from this as well.

 

I haven't read all your threads, but I am not going to give him a pass for the way he is treating you concerning your mother.

 

I am all for setting strong boundaries with your mom, but he HAS to be an active participant. She's your mother. If he ignores her, she's not going to disappear from your thoughts or heart. His thoughts on refusing to show empathy for your situation borders on cruel.

[Lauriebell82]

Thanks for the responses. Actually my mom IS receiving help from a mental health clinic. She sees a therapist and psychiatrist who prescribes her medication. BUT, she isn't getting better. So that's why we are so frustrated and upset, she has been to multiple psychologists/pyschiatrists, multiple clinics but nothing seems to be working. So we all feel rather helpless and we have no idea what to do.

[laRubiaBonita]

Thanks for the responses. Actually my mom IS receiving help from a mental health clinic. She sees a therapist and psychiatrist who prescribes her medication. BUT, she isn't getting better. So that's why we are so frustrated and upset, she has been to multiple psychologists/pyschiatrists, multiple clinics but nothing seems to be working. So we all feel rather helpless and we have no idea what to do.

 

are you and your family 100% sure she is actually taking her medication?

 

who supplies her with her booze?

[Lauriebell82]

are you and your family 100% sure she is actually taking her medication?

 

who supplies her with her booze?

 

She is taking her meds, we thought for awhile that the medication was actually making is worse. She is very delusional, and we had suspicisions that the meds she is on actually made her more paranoid/delusional when they wore off..sort of like a rebound effect. My mom however, denies that the medication is the problem, she says that my dad triggers her. Most of her paranoia revolves around him. She thinks he is cheating/doing drugs/running a prostitution ring. All kinds of stuff. She then gets paranoid that my sister and I are "aiding and abetting" my dad in these behaviors.

 

She goes to the beer distributer/liquor store and buys the booze herself. My dad tried to throw it out when he saw that she bought it, but then she started hiding it from him.

[sally4sara]

Its pretty funny to have an OCD clean freak talk about empathy making him an enabler.....

 

Now get in there and wipe up your tooth paste dear.

[Lauriebell82]

Its pretty funny to have an OCD clean freak talk about empathy making him an enabler.....

 

Now get in there and wipe up your tooth paste dear.

 

Its interesting, because I pointed out that very descrepancy to him. I try to be very understanding and empathetic when he gets upset and anxious about clutter. If I get upset and pissed off it makes the situation worse, AND he gets more upset. Similar to what happened when I got upset over my mom's behavior.

 

He says the situations are different, therefore he disagreed with me. I personally don't think this is even about my mom, this is his own stuff. Almost like he fears that our marriage will end up like my parents. I think that's what this is all really about. Because really, I don't lay any of it on him, granted I get upset and he sees it, however I try not to let it effect our time together. HE'S the one who gets upset and has the problem. But maybe that's just my take on it also.

[xxoo]

I personally don't think this is even about my mom, this is his own stuff. Almost like he fears that our marriage will end up like my parents. I think that's what this is all really about.

 

I agree.

 

I started to post a couple times, but wasn't sure exactly how to express what I felt....but this is it.

 

He is modeling, in his interactions with you on this subject, how he wants you to deal with your mother.

 

The difference is, while your mother's behavior may warrant that response, your concern for your mother does not!

 

Unfortunately, I think he is showing you exactly how much support you can expect if you struggle with a mental illness....

[2sunny]

I have posted that my mother struggles with mental illness, mostly depression and anxiety with some paranoia/psychosis mixed in.

 

 

 

the top two symptoms of active alcoholism are anxiety and depression... so you can expect it to get worse if she continues to drink.

 

for you - i suggest al-anon... it helps YOU. you can't control her - the program helps to understand that.

 

if it were me, i wouldn't be engaging in any correspondence with your (Mom or not) while she is actively drinking. to tell her flat out that is YOUR healthy boundary - is reasonable for a healthy person.

 

it may help HER to consider change for herself - tell her that you will consider resuming contact when she looks like she is recovered from her disease... meaning step work which continues for an extended time and hasn't had a drink for a long while... at the same time showing clear EVIDENCE that she is connected to a higher power and working extensively with other alcoholics by doing consistent step work that brings about substantial change in her life and well being.

 

i experienced all of the symptoms you describe while actively drinking... it's normal in that world - it's a progressive disease so it will only get worse, bot better, if she continues to drink. to stop drinking is best way to start the recovery process. but detox is recommended under supervision - as it can be fatal... mine was started by a trip to emergency room - i had experienced a stroke back then.

Edited May 14, 2011 by 2sunny

[Spark1111]

LB, I mean this with kindness and sincerity. YOU need to examine your own boundaries all the way around. I believe growing up with an unstable mother has set the scene for you to accept your H's issues without much concern for yourself. I've read your posts on here, and from what you've said, your H doesn't seem to have a lot of empathy period.

 

I still recall your post after your surgery. He expects you to conform to his OCD ways and couldn't even give you a break when you were recovering from surgery and to continue doing what he wanted could have put your recovery in jeapordy. I recall him saying something about "enabling" you then. That should have NEVER been an argument or concern. He should have been helping you AND doing "your" part while you were recovering. This is just as much about "in sickness and health" as you accepting his OCD behaviors and adapting.

 

You seem to show a lot of concern and love for people close to you, your H and mom included. You've shown that you go out of your way to try to be supportive and understanding. I question though if you have the strength to stand up for yourself. Can you be as supportive of yourself and your needs as you are of others?

 

You can't let your mother interfere in your life. When you've done what you can in a constructive way, and a person continues on a self destructive path, there comes a point when you have to say "enough" and separate yourself from the situation. It's okay to do that because at a certain point, it does become enabling. But the same goes for your H. He's going to continue to try to bend you to his way of thinking. He has to show respect for your individuality and your feelings and concerns. The longer you put accepting his OCD ahead of your own needs and concerns, the harder it's going to be to get HIM to accept that his way is not always the right way.

 

I think SIT gave some great advice here.

 

As a child of a untreated BPD mom, unfortunately it took me a lifetime to put it into practice!

 

The road to acceptance is a long, uphill climb.

 

You cannot change her, control her or control what she does. Detachment would be very helpful here and in that I agree with your spouse. The toll it is exacting on you, your emotions, your marriage and your spousal relationship is huge.

 

Therapy is a good start!

 

Unless she is a harm to herself or to others, no court can mandate additional treatments.

 

It is not unusual for those of us who grew up in this environment to be attracted to spouses who may have their own set of mental health issues.

 

It will be difficult for you to learn how to enact your own personal boundaries. You need to learn that you will not, cannot, accept unacceptable behavior from your mom, your dad or your spouse.

 

You have a right to be treated with compassion, respect and kindness. You have a right to express your needs and have them met. You have a right to focus on YOU and your happiness, even if it feels selfish at first.

 

You have a right to stop feeling sorry for, or enabling those who will not help themselves.

 

You are not responsible for anyone's happiness but your own.

 

These are hard lessons to learn. Children of mentally ill parents spend a lifetime bargaining: What if she/he got proper treatment? A better med? grew happy?

 

You cannot rescue her or him. Rescue yourself from wishing for a different outcome.

 

It robs you of energy better spent on realizing your own dreams and goals.