Mrlonelyone Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 The title says it all. Thanks allot LS for all your attempts to help. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 You know what, no ****! Ironically enough, LS is full of people in troubled relationships and often they are in those troubled relationships because they are part of a bad cycle where either they or their partner's feelings are minimized, criticized, judged or trivialized. What are your issues? What got trivialized? Link to post Share on other sites
Ross PK Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 Surely not everyone on here has trivialized your problems? If it bothers you a lot then just put any serial trivializers on ignore. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 Serial trivializers: the next undateable category! Link to post Share on other sites
Ross PK Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 Lol, definatley. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 27, 2011 Author Share Posted March 27, 2011 I started a thread in the dating section about how people should just be themselves. That they should only change themselves for themselves and not for the sake of finding a partner. Somehow the thread got derailed onto the topic of a problem I have had from time to time. How to dispose with the question "What do you do for a living". Every first date ask this question. I told them that my response was to just give a plain and straight forward answer then try to change the subject to something else... The overall response could be described as having person after person come in and tell me how the problem is that the way I talk is not right... that I need to change the way I talk to find someone. Well to hell with that! Which is the whole point of said thread. The trivialization...was in the form of people saying that my not wishing to discuss something thats really complex in a social situation makes me "stuck up", "stuffy" etc. I mean hell do people want a brain surgeon to describe any more detail about what he does other than saying that he/she is a brain surgeon? Certainly not at a cocktail party. Link to post Share on other sites
Ross PK Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 Some people on here just don't seem to 'get' certain things. Link to post Share on other sites
Disillusioned Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 A rabbi once said, "gentiles are not used to Jewish issues". I don't have to be Jewish to know that guy knew what he was talking about. Same with this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
IcyBabe Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 I think part of your disappointment might be in the fact that you're coming to the wrong place for support for your problems. I don't know you well enough so this might be a jump to conclusions but PLEASE don't take that as an accusation of "Why are you even here?" that's so not what I mean. Basically I'm saying keep your posts relationship related, not personal problems related. Even though this forum does have a self help thread, this place is first and foremost about relationship advice. Any problems, for instance say depression, struggles to be more social, self-confidence building etc., are really beyond what people here can give advice for to the extent that you're wanting; things like that should really be taken to those appropriate types of forums on the web. I used to frequent a depression forum and it was a very positive, warm, and welcome place for ALL problems, the people there were prepared to be warm, welcoming, and encouraging, their primary goal was to help people; for the most part people are here because they want to give and receive advice on relationships, it's not that they don't care, but it's just not the reason they've come here. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 Well sir you got me stumped, because I am perplexed what was trivialized? Ohh and to the responder who made it seem that the forum is not for personal concerns, where did that come from??? THe poster clearly is addressing a concern that deserves acknowledged from a human perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
IcyBabe Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 What it boils down to most is that change has to come from you, first and foremost. Nobody can say something that is going to fix the situation, we here can only give you suggestions for things you can do to change your actions or perceptions or improve the things about yourself you think may be preventing you from getting what you want. You have to be prepared for hard work even when you're feeling down to change yourself and by so doing the circumstances in your life but the pay off is worth it. It is impossible to change how a person will respond to you, you can only change how you present yourself and more importantly the value you put on their opinion. We cannot control in any way, shape, or form how people are going to respond to us. It ties in with that quote "Other people's opinions of me are none of my business." I really think you could benefit from this e-book chapter about fear of rejection and loneliness. Loneliness isn't a trivial thing at all but it is something you can learn to overcome even when you don't have a significant other in your life, it just takes a willingness to change and an open mind. http://www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/c-rejct.htm Link to post Share on other sites
IcyBabe Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 Ohh and to the responder who made it seem that the forum is not for personal concerns, where did that come from??? THe poster clearly is addressing a concern that deserves acknowledged from a human perspective. We aren't mental health professionals, we can only give casual advice and if that advice has only left him feeling that we are trivializing his problems then perhaps this specific issue he is facing is bigger than what our help and advice could give him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 27, 2011 Author Share Posted March 27, 2011 Tayla In two sentences. When I tell many people that I am a theoretical physicist their reaction is averse...their body language shows it. After I indicated that the advice I was being given was bad I was told the problem is just 100% that I am a stuffy, stuck up, jerk. @Iceybabe. I think I am going to take the attitude of Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson whenever anyone wants to get into it with me about physics. 1.) I will avoid talking about it in social situations like I always have. 2.)If someone insist they better be prepared for me to have to simplify things for them and not be offended when I do. 3.) The only exception to numbers one and two would be other people I know are physical scientist of some kind or the other. No offence to everyone else intended and if their still offended I cannot help that. __________________ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 27, 2011 Author Share Posted March 27, 2011 Just why that is a problem... To put all of my issues in perspective consider that only 2.7 million Americans (male and female) would be in my dating pool once my filters and other peoples likely filters are taken into account. I wrote a journal about it you will see that only reasonable assumptions and minimal filtering on my part are factored in. One of the biggest factors are that 1/2 of people my age are married and 1/2 are religious and would find my profession insulting to their sensibilities. I did not even include those people who while not religious may still react aversely to my career. I was hoping for a bit of advice on how I can perhaps soften the impact for them and grow my dating pool. As it stands only 1/100 Americans would/could be interesting, interested, and available (unmarried). Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 What kind of response do you actually want to get? Could it be that there isn't anything that anyone can say that will actually make you feel better? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 27, 2011 Author Share Posted March 27, 2011 I can answer you directly Johan. Here is an example of a bad response. Eddie Edriol... God Bless him for trying to help. However he inadvertently trivializes my issue in this posting. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3311853&postcount=96 Notice what he does: Says that I bore dates to death talking about my job. Which is the opposite of what I have been saying the whole time. I in fact refuse to or avoid discussing my job when I first meet someone in a social situation (not necessarily a date). Here is an example of a good answer by SweetJasmine http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3311529&postcount=90 She says that she can relate to it and has experienced the same things. She studies languages and since everyone speaks a language they feel that they are qualified to argue with her over something she has studied for over a decade. She was able to empathize. Link to post Share on other sites
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 Sometimes people have to say things that you don't want to hear. Doesn't mean they're not true. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 27, 2011 Author Share Posted March 27, 2011 Sometimes people say things that are based on the wrong premise... Like saying I talk to people too much about what I do.... Which is the polar opposite of what I said a couple dozen times in that thread which is I avoid talking about what I do. :| Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 Actually i didnt say you bore people talking about your job, more like in general. I was saying you dont have to have so much pride in not dumbing down your job explanations, but other than your job, you might not be that interesting in general. I hardly think that women lose interest in you just because of a long explanation of your job, especially when they insisted on an explanation. See how you misinterpreted there? how much else can you be misinterpreting on these dates? Link to post Share on other sites
Ross PK Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 I just wouldn't bother arguing with them MLO. Link to post Share on other sites
TouchedByViolet Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 I just wouldn't bother arguing with them MLO. +1, I empathize with your struggle because mine is similar. Only discuss physics with women if you can explain it in lay man's terms or in analogies that are some what tangible. Most people do not appreciate that which is abstract. Link to post Share on other sites
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 He shouldn't be arguing. None of us are saying this out of hate; in fact, I was saying it out of respect. I was trying to help him. As someone who has suspected Aspergers, I've said and done plenty that might have raised eyebrows. That's why I wanted to help him, to avoid doing things that are socially "not right." But keep drinking the kool-aid, OP. I'll finish off with a quote: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 I can answer you directly Johan. You didn't answer me directly at all. I asked you what kind of response do you want from people here. It's clear that you're getting plenty that you don't want. Why don't you put yourself into the shoes of someone trying to respond to you? What support would you offer your identical twin if he were to show up here? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 27, 2011 Author Share Posted March 27, 2011 I did answer you directly. I showed you a link to a good response from someone who has been in the same position that I am in. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 I did answer you directly. I showed you a link to a good response from someone who has been in the same position that I am in. I missed that. Sorry. So what you want is for people simply to say they understand but not to offer any solutions? Link to post Share on other sites
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