UpCon3 Guy Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 First off... I'm a married guy, with no kids of my own, but helped raise my wife's youngest daughter. We've been married 21 years now. Lately, the marriage has been a bit on the rocky side, but we're still together. About a year ago, I met a woman in my morning commute. She was a bit shy at first, but we started talking every morning, mostly about our jobs and current events. My stop is several stops before hers, so we try to get quite a bit of conversation within the 15 minutes we share the ride. Well, a few months ago, she confided in me that she and her husband of many years have separated and things were very crazy in her life. I've lent a sympathetic ear to her and she seems to appreciate it very much. I've also shared snacks or sandwiches from my lunch pail with her, because I know she's having a bit of a financial jam and buying food can be a little tight between paychecks. I always make it a point to inquire about her teenaged children, because she's worried that they're taking the separation hard. She loves to talk about her kids and their activities. I guess she really respects our friendship, because she recently introduced me to her children when we all were at the station. I engaged them in conversation and, upon leaving, gave them a friendly handshake and a "It was great to finally meet you. Your mom speaks so highly of you!" Now I worry that I may have crossed a boundary that could cause problems for her. I have no designs on this relationship other than to help a friend in need. I've given her my business card and told her that if she ever needs some emergency help to give me a call and I'll see what I can do. I'm that kind of guy with all of my friends, male & female, single or married. Am I doing anything wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 Be careful! You are transparent with your wife about all of this right? Make sure that you keep it to the train. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UpCon3 Guy Posted March 27, 2011 Author Share Posted March 27, 2011 <<dreamingoftigers: Be careful! You are transparent with your wife about all of this right? Make sure that you keep it to the train.>> Thank you for your reply, DoT! Yes, I've been transparent about my friendship with this woman with my wife, but to the point of not betraying a confidence that my friend has told me. I do admit, however, that sometimes I worry about her, not that she's going to harm herself or anything, but it's a friendly kind of concern. She knows I'm married and she respects that, but she probably knows that I, too, am having a tough go myself, based on my silence on the matter. I've made it a self policy not to mention my troubles with my wife to her because I don't think it's relevant, unless she asks, and given the craziness of her situation, she hasn't even asked yet. I think it's a blessing, as it usually is "talking about the spouse" that leads to trouble, don't you think? Oh, she mentions her husband now and then, but mostly to tell me what he has done. As far as keeping it to the train, I don't see that as a problem. There are times where we have service stoppages that I have to take my car in to work, and I have offered to take her to her work if she would call me beforehand, as I don't like driving wastefully (big car, only one person inside) and her work is just a few blocks away from mine and I don't mind doubling-back to my office, as I can stop and pick up a few snack items at the mart on the way back. I also would like to have a coffee now and then with this woman, but only at the station and only during our wait for the homebound train, but I'm not sure how this would be taken. I mean, I have out-of-office lunches with my female co-workers (well, this is unavoidable because in my office, there's only 2 guys and the other is the boss! *LOL*). Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 As long as you make sure that you keep the line firmly in place and that she does too, you should be fine. But if you are posting here asking, remain ever-vigilant. That doesn't mean panic and turn it into something it isn't either though Nice that there are nice guys out there who are friends. Link to post Share on other sites
SummersEve Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Married man meets sad single woman on a train. Begins to do more and more for her, wants to be her knight on a white horse (call me anytime in case you ever need anything), keeps special confidences with her from his wife, talks about problems with his wife in the same breath whenever he speaks of her. And I'm sure this would all be the same if she was eighty years old and weighed 500 pounds right, since she's your platonic friend and all, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author UpCon3 Guy Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 As long as you make sure that you keep the line firmly in place and that she does too, you should be fine. But if you are posting here asking, remain ever-vigilant. That doesn't mean panic and turn it into something it isn't either though Nice that there are nice guys out there who are friends. Thank you! I appreciate your well-thought out advice (and compliment!) Link to post Share on other sites
Author UpCon3 Guy Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 Married man meets sad single woman on a train. Begins to do more and more for her, wants to be her knight on a white horse (call me anytime in case you ever need anything), keeps special confidences with her from his wife, talks about problems with his wife in the same breath whenever he speaks of her. And I'm sure this would all be the same if she was eighty years old and weighed 500 pounds right, since she's your platonic friend and all, right? Ummm... why so cynical? Ok, I admit I have a White Knight/Boy Scout tendency. Part of my upbringing (helping people who genuinely need help...not poseurs who are looking for a handout -- a.k.a. "bums"). This woman is truly hurting, and I'm trying to save her some of the indignity that going through government and professional help foists upon people these days. She puts in a full day of work where she's at, sometimes more. I think a re-read of my posts on your is in order. There are some facts that you have misconstrued. Link to post Share on other sites
SummersEve Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 (edited) Ummm... why so cynical? Ok, I admit I have a White Knight/Boy Scout tendency. Part of my upbringing (helping people who genuinely need help...not poseurs who are looking for a handout -- a.k.a. "bums"). This woman is truly hurting, and I'm trying to save her some of the indignity that going through government and professional help foists upon people these days. She puts in a full day of work where she's at, sometimes more. I think a re-read of my posts on your is in order. There are some facts that you have misconstrued. Cynical? No, I merely answered the question that you asked. I just re-read your first post where you asked if you are going the wrong way. And your second post where you asked if not talking about your wife to your new friend decreases the chance of having an affair with her. And then I re-read where you feared she was too into you when her kids knew all about you, but then shared your ideas of ways to take her into your private vehicle, or out for coffee, and giving her your number so she can call you any time she needs anything. Taking it off the public train is taking it to the next leve.. Also I notice you are not inviting your new platonic friend to meet your wife. Why would you involve yoursel in some strange woman's marital problems but not take your own wife to marriage counseling? A new person often serves as an escape from dealing with your marriage. It is very enticing but it's a trick, people I've known who have gone there have had hell to pay. I guess what is kind bugging me here is you're saying all this and asking if we think you're headed for an affair, yet in the next breath it's wide-eyed innocence, like you're just a big old boy scout, doing what your mama taught you. I think you're the one who needs to re-read your own posts and has misconstrued the facts. We can't help you get your head straight if you don't get real. Tell me this then, honestly. Do you sexually fantasize about this other woman? I'm sorry but from everything you said, this is not a platonic friendship and you are playing with fire. Good luck to you. Edited March 28, 2011 by SummersEve Link to post Share on other sites
Author UpCon3 Guy Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 Cynical? No, I merely answered the question that you asked. (post edited for brevity) Good luck to you. I must say that, because of my flippant post to you, I totally deserved this post, and I apologize. Link to post Share on other sites
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