A Reality Check (Update)

[JaneyAmazed]

I'm sorry this is so long. I didn't realize I had this much to say! I decided to be completely honest for my update because my heart goes out to those who are contemplating an affair or feel like they need to because of lonliness or confusion or self-loathing, etc. Anyway, It's been almost three months since I confessed to my H about my 4 month affair that ended the same day I confessed. If you don't already know, you can read my story from my earlier posts. I can honestly say that I believe my marriage is stronger than it was before, but I can also say honestly that what I did shook our (mine and H's) foundation. The recent earthquakes remind me of the devastation that an affair can do to a marriage. Sure, it can be restored but it takes a long time for the dust to settle, the repairs to be made, and even then then landscape is not the same. "Not the same" doesn't have to be a bad thing though. Right now it's very hard to adapt to the new foundation, the new landscape, and it's still not finished. Sometimes when I am intimate with my H, all I think about is H thinking about someone else feeling what he feels and hearing what he hears. I don't beat myself up anymore, but the shame is still there. I think back to when I was having the affair. I remember thinking that once it was over, I could go back to my life and pick up where I left off except be a much better wife. At the time, I didn't realize why I was having the affair. I didn't realize the depth of my sorrow and lonliness. I've heard people say here on LS that loniless is not an excuse. Well, no it's not an excuse but it's a valid and logical reason for entering an affair. It's still a stupid thing to do. What I've had to learn through therapy and through just examining my own mind is that I was in a desert in my life. I had a husband, but no relationship. I was trying to live up to the expectations of others, and it was killing me. I was trying to be good, quiet, all accomadating wife eventhough my husband's priorities where screwed up. I just kept telling myself I can get through this. No it wasn't the right thing to do, but when you are starving, have no one to help you (or don't know to ask for help), and desparate for relief of the pain and misery, you become very vunerable. In walks xOM, and like a drug, my pain was temporarily gone and my needs were being met. So, what I did makes sense. It wasn't right, but it makes sense. I'm saying all this now because there are so many people that think like I did, that something was seriously wrong with me to cheat on my husband. I hated myself and doubted everything. I doubted I was ever a good person. I thought everyone else was better than me and everyone else made better decisions than me. I've learned since then that there was something wrong, but it wasn't what I thought. I wasn't a selfish person. I became hopeless and miserable in my marriage but didn't know why. I just felt like he had put me on the backburner and didn't mind keeping me there. After confronting him a few times, he would always shoot me down saying he's not going to change. Yes, it was wrong to react like I did, but I felt hopeless. Ending my marriage just wasn't an option in my mind. The only ounce of comfort in my life was escaping to xOM who showed me love and attention. So, I've said in the past "it's all my fault." Well, it wasn't all my fault. My husband played a part in what lead me to an affair. That's a fact. The amazing thing is he knows that and he has made some significant changes in the last few months. He changed his work schedule, he spends more time with me alone, he's more intimate with me, and he show me how much he loves me. I HATE that it took me having an affair for us to be close again. The affair haunts me everyday. I have days where I do fine and I live in the moment mostly look forward to the future. But then there are days that I remember details and conversations and I miss xOM. I do still cry sometimes because I miss him. That's what an affair will do to you. No matter what emotions come over me, I am still in it to win it. My marriage, my husband, my life is worth fighting for. The images may haunt me for a while, but they are what they are. The images my H has will haunt him too. He's been open and honest with me about some of the thoughts he has. He is hurting. We are both hurting. It doesn't matter what other people think of your situation. It doesn't matter how doomed people think you are. You and your spouse are the ones who live it. I think to be honest with myself is better for my recovery than saying things I think you'd want to hear. So if you go back and read some of my posts, there were a lot of honest moments but there were also some things I said just to go along. If I really want to help someone who is reading this avoid an affair or to not beat themselves up if they do, I have to be honest. So one might think I got an easy ride because I got a second chance, but I will have to disagree. Trying to adjust to life after an affair is never easy...no matter if I had stayed with my H or if he had kicked me out. If you could live a day inside my heart and mind, you'd see that I do suffer the consequences of my actions. It may not look like it on the outside because I'm with my husband and family, but on the inside I'm still recovering from an earthquake that shook my very core. Allowing another man into my life and making him my savior injected a poison into my marriage. Getting the poison out is slow, painful process. My advice to anyone is to be honest with you spouse as you are healing. Don't hold back because what you say might not sound right or might cause a fight. It's the tip toeing and walking on egg shells that leads to destruction. I am not at the mercy of my H anymore. We are in this together and we are fighting for our marriage together. Neither one of us ever wants to go through something like this again. That's why the statement "once a cheater, always a cheater" is only true if the cheater's whole universe really isn't shaken to the core. Cheating is usually not the source of the problem. It's usually a symptom of a much larger problem in a marriage.

Edited March 27, 2011 by JaneyAmazed

[Steadfast]

It is good to hear that you're working it out. I'm convinced it is possible, and that with enough patience, work and understanding a marriage can be even stronger after infidelity. The old saying 'What doesn't kill us makes us stronger' is true.

 

One thing that can lead to renewing trust is the awareness of what you're capable of, but chose not to do. It is always the people who say 'I'd never...' that struggle the most. Even the strongest of personalities can succumb in a moment of weakness. But a fling is different than an affair, IMO. Knowing what you want and staying the course is key to a healthy marriage.

 

And while your husband didn't or couldn't help you leading to your affair, you can't lay once ounce of blame on him for your decision to do so. Even now, and being reconciled you are still two separate people who make decisions away and apart from the other on a daily basis. Owning it is part of healing and critical in overcoming it.

 

Your advice and insight is appreciated! Be well-

[WorldIsYours]

I've heard people say here on LS that loniless is not an excuse. Well, no it's not an excuse but it's a valid and logical reason for entering an affair.

 

Loneliness is no excuse or "logical reason" for having an affair, no matter how you word it.

 

Cheating is usually not the source of the problem. It's usually a symptom of a much larger problem in a marriage.

 

Cheating is the source of the problem, and it shows the cheater's personal issues, not the issues of the betrayed spouse or the marriage. You won't be able to move on from this until you fully accept that cheating is your fault and yours alone.

[BB07]

Janie, I wish you continued healing and happiness in your marriage. I think you are gonna make it.

[TMCM]

Cheating is usually not the source of the problem. It's usually a symptom of a much larger problem in a marriage.

 

True but the problem may also originate with the WS if there are issues (i.e. childhood sexual abuse, bipolar personality disorder, sexual addiction, etc.) that pre-date the marriage. And even when none of these pre-marriage issues exists, a happily married spouse can fall into an affair as the late Dr Shirley Glass proved in her book 'Not Just Friends' as well as stories from FWS who, by their own admission, were in good, happy marriages, when they had their affairs.

 

But no matter what the 'source of the problem' is, there can be no affair if one is aware not to cross dangerous marital boundaries (i.e. spend too much time with an attractive member of the opposite sex or becoming emotionally intimate with another by revealing marital issues that should only be discussed with a professional, a relative, or one's own spouse). Sadly no one teaches us about this before we get married until the damage has been done.

 

JA I wish you and yours the very best.

[ComputerJock]

Once a cheater always a cheater doesn't mean you will cheat again, but it does mean you are capable of cheating and that, from my own experience, is the stone in your husband's shoe. It's like a person getting caught stealing. That person may not ever steal again, but your husband knows you are capable of stealing his trust away again. I wish him the best. From someone who has walked a mile in his shoes.

[drifter777]

... The images my H has will haunt him too. He's been open and honest with me about some of the thoughts he has. He is hurting. We are both hurting. It doesn't matter what other people think of your situation. It doesn't matter how doomed people think you are. You and your spouse are the ones who live it.

 

 

So why did you bother to solicit feedback from others if "it doesn't matter..."? I don't even think I believe your story since your synopsis of the whole thing reads like a romance novel - or a fairy tale. If there is some truth to all of this I can promise you one thing; you H's images will haunt him until he hates the sight of you. But since it "doesn't matter what other people think" - who cares?

[dreamingoftigers]

Good luck to you,

 

Some will pull apart the bits of your story that stick out, but overall your attitude seems positive and your H a very decent man for taking this journey with you.:bunny:

 

Hopefully all goes well, but please ..... paragraphs.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Neither one of us ever wants to go through something like this again. That's why the statement "once a cheater, always a cheater" is only true if the cheater's whole universe really isn't shaken to the core. Cheating is usually not the source of the problem. It's usually a symptom of a much larger problem in a marriage.

 

I really take issue with the idea that this affair has helped your marriage. Honestly, I've seen people divorce 3 years later because of an affair. I've seen a guy shoot his wife and then himself because of an affair 20 years ago. This isn't over yet, so stop talking like you saved the world.

 

About half of this just sounds like your backpatting your own moral bankruptcy. I really wish you the best in life... but if you keep talking about this in terms of how it's "shaken things up" and made everyone realize... I can't support you in that.

 

You could have accomplished all of this through a better way... communication, counseling, or a myriad of other positive scenarios. You chose the path of dishonesty and betrayal. Dante was correct that the lowest level of Hell is saved for betrayers.

 

Beyond that I agree with what your saying and I feel like you are moving on the right path. Just don't fall too far to either side and eventually you will wind up Ok.

[Flgirl44]

It's good that you are looking inward and trying to re-establish what has been broken. As the poster above me mentioned, something did stick out in that huge wall of writing. The line "It's you and your spouse that have to live it" He didn't have to live in it, he could've just left you. One of the main reasons I left my partner is because I didn't want the affair to be relevant to my life anymore aka live it---too much of a burden that wasn't mine to bear.

[StoneCold]

Loneliness is no excuse or "logical reason" for having an affair, no matter how you word it.

 

 

 

Sure it is

[kaysun]

Well, no it's not an excuse but it's a valid and logical reason for entering an affair.

 

Does your husband believe it was a valid and logical reason too?

 

 

I was trying to be good, quiet, all accomadating wife eventhough my husband's priorities where screwed up.

 

Husband's priorities were screwed up?

 

 

It wasn't right, but it makes sense.

 

Being a BS, I still can't make sense of an affair. I'm glad you can.

 

 

Ending my marriage just wasn't an option in my mind.

 

An affair was a more suitable option? I would of rathered my marriage ended then to go thru the aftermath of an affair.

 

 

So, I've said in the past "it's all my fault." Well, it wasn't all my fault. My husband played a part in what lead me to an affair. That's a fact.

 

I disagree. Nobody leads anybody to have an affair. Your husband, and yourself, both led to a marriage that might not of been "all that" but he didn't lead you to an affair.

 

 

But then there are days that I remember details and conversations and I miss xOM. I do still cry sometimes because I miss him.

 

I'm so sorry for your husband.

 

 

The images my H has will haunt him too.

 

Sadly, they'll haunt him everyday. It's the "gift" that keeps on giving.

 

We are in this together and we are fighting for our marriage together.

 

Good for you!

 

 

Janey, in all honesty, I wish you and your husband nothing but luck in reconciling. I hope you make it.

[Memphis Raines]

A good post from what I believe to be one of the rare TRULY remorseful cheaters. (even though some of what you wrote still sounds like justification - as kaysun pointed out, although your crying over the OM because you miss him part does make me VERY sorry for your husband)

 

a bit of advice. Use paragraphs *rubbing sore eyes*

[JaneyAmazed]

Well obviously I wouldn't expect one of my posts to be agreed on by everyone! I knew I'd take a risk being honest. I just have come to the point where I really don't doubt myself anymore. I know that I am still growing and do not know all the answers, but I'm moving in the right direction, not the wrong direction. If I didn't want my husband or had doubts, I would not put either one of us through another day of working on our marriage. I work on it because I want it. Memories of xOM are not things I can control. It doesn't mean I want him back! God no! I'm thankful everyday for where I am. I do wish I could just flip a switch and not remember him, but I'm sure my H feels the same way too. ;)He said those tapes still play in his mind but they don't control him either. It's like we keeping moving forward, knowing one day this xOM will be a distant memory. But it's only been 3 months! It would be a miracle if I didn't miss him once in a while. I just don't pine over him. I respect the opinions of everyone, though. Every case of infedelity is so unique and so complicated. There is no way to sum a person up by what they did alone. Anyway, Yesterday my H and I went to another MC session. We realized so much about each other and how dysfunctional we had been. I don't blame my H for the affair anymore. I think I had been secretly resenting him for allowing me to get so unhappy. Now I blame our lack of communication and being able to express our needs to each other. The couselor told us to stop playing the blame game. To move forward, we can't put those burdens on each other. We are on the way to recovery. He is a such a good man. Sometimes I wonder how he can believe in me and trust me. He said if he didn't believe in me, he wouldn't be with me. I'm going to keep proving to him that he can believe in me. Our counselor told us yesterday she thought we would make it. She said, based on what she knows about us, if we both really want it to work, it will. I don't have doubts anymore about that. I love, love, love, love that H of mine. It's crystal clear.

[Memphis Raines]

Paragraphs woman!!!!

[WorldIsYours]

It's because you wanted to. You aren't going to have any real chance of recovering your marriage until you simply accept responsibility for cheating. You cheated because you wanted to.

 

Yup. I preach it to these folks all the time but they don't listen. They try to find so many excuses to validate infidelity, when they simply cheated because they wanted to.

[fooled once]

Please - paragraphs!!!!!

 

I take issue also how the affair is partly your H's fault. No it isn't. He did not cause YOU to have an affair.

 

I also think it is rather disrespectful to be crying over the man you cheated on your H with...I sure hope you aren't crying and being sad around your H. But if you are, I hope you are telling him WHY you are crying - because you miss this guy.

 

I think while you seem to be accepting responsibility, you are also putting blame on your H and I completely disagree with that. He never forced you to have an affair. That IS your fault - so own it completely. You may have had marriage issues, but you had the option to separate; but you chose to cheat instead.

 

I hope as much as you are expecting your H to change, YOU are looking in the mirror and making changes - such as not moping around because the MM is out of your life.