Houston, We Have Contact

[danrs]

I wouldn't have offered to call her tonight. Maybe mention that she could have called you tomorrow or something. But too late for that.

 

Play it COOL! Expect NOTHING! Ask for nothing. Do not discuss the relationship unless she brings it up. And even then, avoid it if you can! Conversation talk over the phone not a good idea. You can't see her (and her facial expressions), and she can't see the new, confident, moving on you.

 

Keep the conversation polite, friendly, but relatively short. A long conversation will only lead to relationship talk, which you do not want to do over the phone. It was good to talk to her. Glad she's doing okay. You are doing okay. Etc., etc. This is the second of many more steps. She may just miss you and want to talk, and NOTHING ELSE. She may just be trying to really see you are fine and trying to ease her guilt. Or, she may be seeing if you're approachable, period. If that is the case, once she sees you are, let her get off the damn phone so she (and you) can think about things! You're appoachable, you're doing fine, bla, bla, bla. Be positive, but indifferent. Nonchalance is your friend here. If the conversation starts to have awkward pauses or go "dead", you've been on the phone too long. Don't be rude, but have an excuse ready..."it was good to talk, but hey, I have to run over to Tom's and am already running late".

 

Expect nothing, but think of it as a phone call with a woman you've never gone out with. It is a bridge to open up more communication, leave open the possibility of the "next phonecall", or set up a meet to have further communication (but only if she brings it up), and NOTHING MORE!

 

If by some miracle she brings up getting back together or wanting another chance (I highly, highly doubt it would happen on a first call), then you "need time to think about things, as this wasn't easy for you either, and you need to think about it". But avoid this crap on the phone.

 

If she wants to meet, yes, you'd like to get together to chat and catch up. Later in the week. Don't jump at a chance and rush out to meet her in the next day or two.

 

Don't get your hopes up dude! At all. It could be absolutely nothing but her being curious and / or trying to ease her guilt. Accept that, and accept that you may never hear from her again once the phone goes dead tonight. And don't blow it by initiating any conversation about the relationship or what happened. If she asks, yes, you've obviously thought about her, and it's too bad things didn't work out. Don't "wish" things were different...it's just "too bad" or a "shame" things didn't work out. That's IF SHE ASKS! IF the conversation goes there! Do not volunteer that info. And I would avoid that kind of talk right now if at all possible.

 

Catch up, make her laugh, DON'T be down or unhappy.

 

Hang up with a "it was nice to talk to you, take care".

 

Good luck. Set your expectations of what this is VERY, VERY low for now.

[1784]

That's a good point. I'm sure she is. I guess that's a good thing. I'm thinking I should keep the conversation somewhat short but I really don't want to go into it with any preconceived notions. I'd rather just feel it out as it happens. All I know is that I have to keep it upbeat because I don't want to leave a negative taste in her mouth. That surely won't help my cause.

[1784]

Thanks, danrs. All very good and valid points. Even if she does bring up the relationship I was really planning on going with "Can we not talk about that right now? It's good just to catch up and talk to you. It's been a while". I figure this means that perhaps we can talk about it later, if that's in the cards. I really don't want this conversation to be heavy at all. I'm using it as a bridge, as I stated previously. I don't plan on making it long and I do plan on playing it off as if things are ok.

 

My expectations actually aren't high at all, to be honest. I'm looking at it as her just wanting to check on someone she once invested a lot in. Kind of like checking in on a stock that was tanking but that you feel the urge to check on from time to time just to see how it's doing. Well, I'm going to let her know, subtly, that this stock is on the rise again.

[danrs]

I wouldn't say "can we not talk about that now"...sounds like you are afraid to talk about it or are hurting and want to avoid it. If she insists on talking about it, maybe a "let's catch up for now...I don't think the phone is the best way to talk about those things" or something along those lines. If she wants to talk more, she'll pick up on your cue about the phone not being the best way, and maybe not tonight, but at another point, she may ask you out for a coffe or something.

[TryTryAgain]

I wouldn't have offered to call her tonight. Maybe mention that she could have called you tomorrow or something. But too late for that.

 

Play it COOL! Expect NOTHING! Ask for nothing. Do not discuss the relationship unless she brings it up. And even then, avoid it if you can! Conversation talk over the phone not a good idea. You can't see her (and her facial expressions), and she can't see the new, confident, moving on you.

 

Keep the conversation polite, friendly, but relatively short. A long conversation will only lead to relationship talk, which you do not want to do over the phone. It was good to talk to her. Glad she's doing okay. You are doing okay. Etc., etc. This is the second of many more steps. She may just miss you and want to talk, and NOTHING ELSE. She may just be trying to really see you are fine and trying to ease her guilt. Or, she may be seeing if you're approachable, period. If that is the case, once she sees you are, let her get off the damn phone so she (and you) can think about things! You're appoachable, you're doing fine, bla, bla, bla. Be positive, but indifferent. Nonchalance is your friend here. If the conversation starts to have awkward pauses or go "dead", you've been on the phone too long. Don't be rude, but have an excuse ready..."it was good to talk, but hey, I have to run over to Tom's and am already running late".

 

Expect nothing, but think of it as a phone call with a woman you've never gone out with. It is a bridge to open up more communication, leave open the possibility of the "next phonecall", or set up a meet to have further communication (but only if she brings it up), and NOTHING MORE!

 

If by some miracle she brings up getting back together or wanting another chance (I highly, highly doubt it would happen on a first call), then you "need time to think about things, as this wasn't easy for you either, and you need to think about it". But avoid this crap on the phone.

 

If she wants to meet, yes, you'd like to get together to chat and catch up. Later in the week. Don't jump at a chance and rush out to meet her in the next day or two.

 

Don't get your hopes up dude! At all. It could be absolutely nothing but her being curious and / or trying to ease her guilt. Accept that, and accept that you may never hear from her again once the phone goes dead tonight. And don't blow it by initiating any conversation about the relationship or what happened. If she asks, yes, you've obviously thought about her, and it's too bad things didn't work out. Don't "wish" things were different...it's just "too bad" or a "shame" things didn't work out. That's IF SHE ASKS! IF the conversation goes there! Do not volunteer that info. And I would avoid that kind of talk right now if at all possible.

 

Catch up, make her laugh, DON'T be down or unhappy.

 

Hang up with a "it was nice to talk to you, take care".

 

Good luck. Set your expectations of what this is VERY, VERY low for now.

 

I agree with danrs 100%. Great advice.

[1784]

Good point... again. I tend to agree with you. T minus 5 minutes - lol

[1784]

Alright, folks who have been waiting for the update...

 

So I called her at 9:30pm. I'll admit, it was weird hearing her voice at first. We spoke for roughly a half hour. Most of it was casual, updates on what we've been doing and whatnot. she definitely hasn't been dating anyone, not that I asked or even came close to asking anything of the sort. She updated me on her family, work, etc. I did the same. She asked me, towards the end, what I had been thinking, if anything. I said that of course I have missed her but that I've also been concentrating on my life and doing things that make me happy, like working out, concentrating on my job, etc. I said that I haven't ruled anything out of the realm of possibility but that I'm not trying to force anything. I stressed that it was good speaking to her but that I didn't want the conversation to become about our relationship. That it would be something that perhaps we could discuss at a later time. I made jokes (just small jokes) and definitely spoke with confidence. I noticed towards the end of the conversation she started to have a tremble in her voice. I made sure to wrap things up and just say that it was great hearing from her and that we should get together some time in the near future.

 

Like I said, we didn't talk about the relationship. She said she has bad days, good days and in between days. I must admit, she was very honest and forthcoming about her life and how she feels. She's very honest. always has been. I always really loved that about her. she doesn't play games, at least not with me (not that I know of anyway). I think she misses me. She seems to be trying to figure out exactly what she wants. I could tell that that was directed towards "us".

 

Anyway, to put it all together... she reached out via text. I responded. We spoke. It was a good conversation. I think it'll give us both something to think about. I know I left her with a good impression of myself - a person that she missed and was happy to reconnect with. And to be honest myself, it was really good talking to her. I missed her. Nothing may come of this. I think I'm finally prepared to accept that. But the way it's unfolding makes me feel better about that possibility. Only because it seems honest and true. No games. I don't regret the month of no contact as it was definitely necessary. I am glad it was broken after a month, though. From here, we can either go our separate ways or come together once again. I'm fine with either. I just want to be happy and know that I went about getting happy the right way.

 

I'll update you all with anything new (facts and/or feelings). Please let me know what you think. All of your advice has been priceless. I can't tell you enough how thankful I am to have all of you to bounce things off of, vent to, ask advice of, etc. You're all really wonderful human beings and I'm glad I found this site when I did.

[TryTryAgain]

It sounds like things went well. I am very happy for you.

 

So, how did you leave it? Did she say she would get in contact or vice versa?

[1784]

Well when I mentioned the possibility of getting together she seemed to be into it. I really just thought it was important to put it out there and see if it was something she would go for. She did. So I'll just play it by ear now. Like I said, I thought it was important just to have this first conversation go well and not force anything further for the moment. I would say that it really did go as well as could be expected so I'm pretty happy about that. I don't know what the future holds but I expect I will soon enough.

[danrs]

Sounds like you did great to me. You let her know you are doing well, moving on, but yet haven't exactly ruled out anything...and you darn sure aren't going to jump at just anything she throws your way. AND, the ball is back in her court. I don't see anything you said that would leave her thinking anything but positive things about you (that, and the fact you're not moping around waiting on her), and that is how you want her thinking..be it for reconcilliation or if it's over for real, her thinking you're moving on.

 

You've given her just enough to not be fearful of opening things up more, yet without exposing yourself too much.

 

If she started to sound broken up towards the end, I'd almost bet she wanted to say more, but couldn't bring herself to do it....yet. I'm glad you didn't "dig" and just let it be. I'd say she is definately hurting. Is that hurt enough to make her rethink her decision? Or is it simply being hurt that you've been able to move on? Only she knows that right now. Realize it could very well be the latter, and do not hope for the former until she lets you know more.

 

If there's anything to this, I'd imagine you'll be getting another text in a few days or a week, and the hints about a get quick get together will start rolling in. Just don't expect it or be crushed if it doesn't happen. But I think her "what are you thinking, if anything" question had a purpose.

 

Keep playing it cool. If she's thinking things over, you just gave her a lot more reason to lean towards reconcilliation than you gave her to lean towards never coming back.

 

One thing is for certain, her head is spinning a little right now.

[1784]

Yeah, thanks. I didn't quite know what to expect. She could have come at me the way she did a month ago, which was with accusations, venom, etc. It's truly amazing what a month of NC can accomplish. The girl I spoke with last night reminded me of the girl I fell in love with. Polite. Vulnerable. Pleasant. Lovable. It was nice to hear. I think she needed that month to realize what she truly let go of. It wasn't just me, the person, but also all the plans we had for the future. It really is amazing how much stock we put in another person in regards to our own livelihood. I guess that's why they say that falling in love really is taking a risk - on so many levels.

 

I feel pretty good this morning. I feel good that we spoke. I feel good that it went well. I feel good that I had the chance to speak with the girl I fell in love with instead of the mess that we both were in January. That wasn't us. That was an amalgam of emotion that equaled disaster.

 

What I feel particularly good about is I feel I took my own power back. Whatever happens now I feel will be for the best, either way, because we are in the same position. There is no one person holding the upper hand. Just two people who love each other and need to figure out if this relationship is something that can work or not. I'm okay with that. I feel a lot more even keel this morning. More in control of my own life. Even though I always was it just FEELS more like it now.

 

That's my morning update. My only question at this point is... should I wait for her to contact me as far as next steps go? Or should I initiate the next step? I know, either way, we both need time to digest last night's convo. While it was light, for the most part, I know we're both thinking about it. I just want to make sure I let this one breathe enough not to seem overanxious and/or desperate. I could tell that she was impressed by how I came off last night on the phone. I want to ensure that I keep that going - for her AND for me.

[TryTryAgain]

That's my morning update. My only question at this point is... should I wait for her to contact me as far as next steps go? Or should I initiate the next step?

 

When I was in your shoes last time, my ex and I left our initital convo as "let's just let everything soak in." We did not talk about future contact. Interestingly enough that was on a Sunday. I let a few days pass and I had decided I would call her that following Saturday to ask her to meet up. Low and behold, she contacted me that Friday evening and we decided to meet up early that following week.

 

So, I would definitely give it a few days and see how you feel about it then. If you're like me, I'm sure you'll want to reach out sooner than later. I'm sure she'll be thinking about it as much as you, so she may beat you to it. If I were in your shoes, I personally would probably plan on contacting her sometime later in the week. I'm sure others will tell you to let her initiate contact, but from what I gathered from your conversation with her it sounds like you both were interested in talking about things further. I would hope that the next time you two speak, you keep it short and just plan on meeting up for coffee or drinks. Some of the heavier relationship "stuff" probably needs to come up in person.

[1784]

Yeah, I thought that just having A conversation was a pretty good start considering the last time we emailed she ended with "maybe things will be different in a few months". Apparently things are a little different after a month of NC.

 

I know that she is going away next weekend to her parent's beach house so I'm tentatively planning for the week after this. I definitely don't plan on getting into contact any time before Thursday or Friday. Maybe even early next week. I do think that things need to soak in. The first step was a big one but the next one is a little more dense. Maybe we'll just talk again or maybe we'll meet up. She seemed willing. That, of course, could change. But, if it's right it's right. I don't plan on forcing anything at all. If she says no or that she isn't ready then so be it. I'm ready to accept that.

 

That's where I am right now. It feels "okay". Okay is a lot better than what I had been feeling. And what's funny is that I'm a lot more willing to accept nothing than I was before. Like I said, just operating from power and confidence makes a humongous difference.

[marqueemoon4]

man, you're in good shape. just play it cool, give her space, and focus on YOU. if its gonna happen its gonna happen, don't push for it.

[1784]

Thanks, marqueemoon4. I actually feel as if I CAN play it cool, finally. For that month I was trying but never really "felt" it. Now that she and I have some, well, common ground to stand on, I feel as if we're both in the same boat. That's a good start. We may end up on separate boats but for the first time in a while I feel like we are in the same boat. That does a lot for your confidence and trust.

 

I'm not pushing anything. Sometimes letting go is the only way to get something back.

[1784]

Yet another update...

 

I just noticed that she sent me a text message about an hour ago. Man, how did I miss it? lol. Here it is:

 

"It was really good to hear your voice. Thank you for calling"

 

I'm guessing this is good. After all, she didn't have to send anything. She just spoke to me last night. Obviously she's not trying to play any "when should I send this" game. I like that. She felt it this morning and sent the text. Nice.

 

Thoughts?

[TryTryAgain]

My thoughts on this are simple...

 

The lines of communication are open. I think it would be appropriate to at least send her something similar in return. I would advise you to still mull this over for a couple of days and don't seem too eager. Just be cautiously optimistic at this point.

 

The "morning" text is the best because that means that she went to bed thinking about you and got up thinking about you.

[1784]

Yeah, I replied back to her very simply, reciprocating her sentiments. I didn't say too much. I just said it was good talking to her as well. I thanked her for reaching out to me. We'll see what happens. I got more than I bargained for in a 12 hour time frame, that's for sure. I have to say it made me smile, though. Like I said, after speaking to me last night for the first time in a month she felt the need to text me again this morning. Like I said, I'm taking this as good news.

 

I'm being careful. I know I have to be. I do NOT plan on giving away the power I've re-obtained. I think it's a good lesson learned. You should never give away your power. You should always remain true to yourself. No matter who you are with or what you have shared you're always accountable to yourself first because no one else can be.

[marqueemoon4]

its obvious she RESPECTS you and still cares for you. that's huge.

[1784]

Honestly, the way we spoke you would have thought that I dumped her. I don't know if this was just because of the way I started the phone call (with confidence) or if she truly just feels terrible, or both. I really don't know. All I know is that I felt like the one who was controlling where the conversation was going and when it was over. It was... odd!

 

I think the break up was more her being at her limit of confusion more than anything else. I'm thinking that she never really thought it was OVER OVER, though. She has shown me no indication of this.

 

Anyway, what I am going to try and NOT do is overanalyze this. I'm just gonna take it as it comes and not overthink everything. I believe I've made the smart play so far.

[danrs]

My thoughts on this are simple...

 

The lines of communication are open. I think it would be appropriate to at least send her something similar in return. I would advise you to still mull this over for a couple of days and don't seem too eager. Just be cautiously optimistic at this point.

 

The "morning" text is the best because that means that she went to bed thinking about you and got up thinking about you.

 

I figured she'd reach out and contact again, but not that soon.

 

I'd wait until she contacts you again. She now has no reason to fear doing so. So, I believe she will. Letting her come to you again maintains your strong position, and keeps her wondering. Good things. Only now she doesn't have to worry about "he hates me and never wants to speak to me again". Now (if this is what she wants) she needs to worry about "okay, he's talking to me, but he's not saying he wants me back...what is my next move?". If she's interested, I'd bet my next month's paycheck that she WILL make another move before the next week is up.

 

Remember, nonchalance when you respond. That's not being rude to her. it's being upbeat, funny, and non-threatening (asking about the relationship).

 

After a few more texting conversations and a phone call or two, if she hasn't asked you out by then (I think she will), then I'd say it is okay for you to ask to get together to "catch up" over coffee or something. Something along the lines of "hey, it's been nice catching up with you over the phone, but I do have to run now. But it would be nice to continue this and see you. Why don't we get together for a coffe or drink next week or something".

 

Were it me, I'd go INC right now, and wait until after she lets her intentions be known before you break that and go limited contact where you can start initiating contact every now and then. She needs time to process last night, so let her have it. If you start contacting her at this early stage, she may take that as a sign that her "work is done" and now things can return to normal conversation. I think she needs to sweat a little more. And after last night's call, I imagine you left her sweating things pretty good...in a good way. She saw a new and different side of you. She's going to think about that. And she will not be able to stop herself from initiating more contact, and either initiating a meet, or being very agreeable to a meet in the future.

 

Let her keep coming to you right now. Don't let her think this is going to be all too easy for her. She's got some humble pie to eat if you're going to keep the respect you've gotten from her in the last month. Let her eat a few servings, but not so much she's choking on it.

 

Well played so far. Keep it up. Don't put yourself in a position to set yourself back until she comes clean with her intentions!

[1784]

All good things as usual, danrs. What you described is pretty much my game plan. I have every intention of sticking to this "new me". In fact, I think this new me should be a pretty permanent fixture in my life. Like I said, I learned a lot about myself from this experience. I started OUT this way with her but as time went on I took on the persona more like a doormat (to some extent). This can't happen again. Not with her and not with anyone else. I plan on staying within myself and operating from my own power. That's how it should always be.

 

Obviously if things get more intimate she will see that side of me again but that doesn't mean that I should abandon this confident guy either. I have every intention of taking it slow, keeping her interested and seeing where it goes. A less mature me may have pleaded for more sooner or forced the issue now that we started talking again. This 1 month NC me is ready to let it breathe and have it take its natural course. I do not want to make ANY decisions for her. If she misses me I want her to miss me without asking for it. If she thinks she made a mistake then I want her to know that. I don't want to be the one to force that idea upon her. I'm definitely approaching this in a whole new way and it feels very, very right. Why? Because I don't feel desperate or needy. I feel like myself. If she wants me, she wants me. Then I get to decide if I want her as well. Shouldn't it always be this way? I'm not going to take the chance JUST because the chance is there. I'm going to take the chance because I want to.

 

I'm definitely going to see what she comes with next. I don't plan on calling or texting for a little while yet.

 

Of course, as always, I'll keep you all updated. I think it's actually a pretty good example of how things can go if you play them right. Granted, this is just step 1.5 and I realize nothing can come from this. The trick is being okay with that notion. Once you're okay with that, it's all gravy.

[1784]

ANOTHER update...

 

She just texted me literally a couple of minutes ago. I had bought a dinner for us at a fancy restaurant some time ago. It expires the Saturday after this coming. She mentioned that the coupon is about to expire and she was wondering if I had any interest in using it next week (us going to dinner).

 

Thoughts? When should I respond? Should I say yes (I am assuming that I should)?

[TryTryAgain]

Hmmm. A fancy restaurant you say? Normally a fancy restaurant would be more suited for a date. Obviously that's where she is directing things, but I would be hesitant to agree to her suggestion of using the coupon.

 

Having said that, she could be using the "coupon" as the lead-in for a get-together, regardless of time or place. I personally wouldn't feel comfortable using the coupon for a fancy dinner with my ex, especially if this is a Groupon sort of thing that you already paid for and had intended to use while you guys were still together. To be honest, I would probably be a little guarded thinking to myself, "boy, she has some nerve asking me to take her on a date using something I've already paid for." Maybe I'm reading too much into it though. It could just be an innocent lead-in as I mentioned before.

 

That text definitely warrants a response. I would probably suggest something like, "How about we just meet for a drink this weekend." You two are supposed to be letting things soak in right now. And in terms of the coupon, feel things out over drinks. If it goes well, you still have that in your back pocket.

 

I think one of my downfalls in my last reconciliation was acting like everything was back to normal too quickly. I think it was a turn off to my ex. Almost like, "Wow, I can leave him and then come back without any consequences...that was easy. Almost too easy. Is he a doormat?...Ugh, that's unattractive and uninteresting so now I'm going to bolt again." I'm not saying this is how your ex is at all, but please be wary of jumping into things too quickly.

[1784]

I appreciate the response. She is very money conscious. It's purely coincidence that this coupon this expires next week. This is how she thinks, though - always. If you were to ask her she'd just tell you that yes she wants to see me but she also sees no reason why we should waste the discount. Believe me, this is how she is. She's all about coupons, discounts, etc. Let's not read too much into that part of it, okay?

 

Having said that... I plan on agreeing. There's no reason not to. It's a dinner. I still plan on keeping it light, casual, etc. It's also basically 2 weeks away which is good. I can't get drinks with her this weekend because she's going away to visit her parents. So this weekend is out.

 

I know I could NOT agree to dinner but why the heck would I? I know I have to make sure that I stay in control and dictate things (to a certain extent). I don't want her to start going plans crazy (as she tends to always do). But this is something I feel I need to accept. I can figure out other ways to operate from power. I paid for the stupid groupon thing already anyway,

 

I think having these 2 weeks to let things soak in is good. If she asked me to dinner this week I think that might be too soon. Next week is better. It allows for some serious thinking.

 

Thoughts? By the way I still haven't responded to her text.