Houston, We Have Contact

[TryTryAgain]

I will continue to be here for you. You sound like a really good person and you deserve the best.

[marqueemoon4]

I agree.. if they don't reconcile its totally her loss. we're pulling for you!

[1784]

Thanks, guys. I guess the difference between me now and in January is that then I was willing to do almost anything to stay in the relationship with her, no matter how unhealthy it was for me or my well being. Now I'm not willing to do that. It takes two happy people to make something work, not just one.

 

I'll do all I can to make you all proud. All I ask of you is to stay with me and keep me ready for next Friday. D-DAY!

[worldgonewrong]

1784: I'm rooting for you. Sounds like you've got a really clear head about all this stuff.

[worldgonewrong]

And don't forget to bring the gun with the tranquilizer darts.

If the conversation goes awry, those little darts are your best friend. She'll wake up 6 to 8 hours later in the restaurant's kitchen to the clatter of dishes & utensils, and she won't remember a thing.

[1784]

It's nice having a cheering section! I'm gonna do my very best to be mentally prepared for next Friday. I think I'll leave the tranquilizer darts and gun at home, though. I'm looking to reconnect not for a criminal record ; )

 

Thanks for the suggestion, though. I'll just stick with a few Jedi mind tricks instead.

[robinseggblue]

I remember reading your story a while back. It never left me. Every few days I think about how your ex was selfish enough to insist that you choose her (temporary) comfort over your mother's. Your ailing mother. I still can't digest that information. I keep trying to understand how or why she could be that selfish. It has stayed with me, because I can't do it. I can't understand it at all.

 

Obviously, there must be a number of qualities that cause you to be in love with her. If I saw the two of you together when you were at your loving best, I suppose I would be able to understand it. But I really must say, that that stunning display of selfishness is like a red beacon shining over your story. It's all I can see/hear/feel when I read your words. It coats the analysis of a possible reconciliation/interest in knowing what move to take with a red sticky paint that I can't get past.

 

I am on the optimist's side of these boards. I want nothing more than to tell you that you have the power, and are headed in the right direction and will be successful. And I'm not going to tell you that you're not. BUT, the degree of immaturity or selfishness that she displayed one month ago, is so striking to me, that I feel I have to say this:

 

Different people mature at different rates - I realize this. But, in four weeks? Do you think that she has "matured" in one month? What has happened in the last 4 weeks do YOU think? Here's what I think:

 

She misses you (obviously)

She may realize that she was being selfish. (Just how selfish I'm not sure.)

OR, she may not.

It is glaringly obvious to us that she was. But she is inside of her own head, and things look a LOT different in there to her.

She may even think that you are the one who needs to adjust your thinking, and may be hoping that YOU are the one who has done the changing.

She has realized that you are not going to budge where your mother is concerned and now knows that she has less "power" than your mother. (Keep that in the back of your mind)

In her mind, it may be "her against your mother", as sick as that seems.

 

As I see it, you have a lot of power. You have done the noble (and proper) thing (standing by your mother). You are actually corresponding with her after how she acted and what she did. You are acting calmly and pleasantly. This is a lot of giving, considering your situation. Please don't give any more! Continue to do these things, and act in this manner, but please don't budge at all in any other respect. To do so would just be wrong.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world. You have a good deal of confidence and sound well prepared. I feel proud of you already! Just don't let herwalk all over you. As an outsider, it looks to me like she has everything to lose, NOT you. Remember that.

[1784]

@robinseggblue

 

Phenomenal post. You really understand the struggle that I'm going through here. It's not an easy one. Maybe if I explain a little more it'll add some perspective to the situation. Maybe not. It doesn't change the position that she took but I feel obligated to explain a little more.

 

Her roommate moved out in November. I was supposed to move in in December. This girl absolutely dreads being alone. She was miserable living by herself to the point of tears. When I told her that I wouldn't be moving in on my scheduled date she saw the light at the end of the tunnel fade. And after the New Year, when I said I needed more time, that same light faded out completely. I think she freaked out and made a rash decision strictly from emotion.

 

Having said that, I think as an adult who will turn 30 this year she should have the maturity to live on her own without turning into a puddle of tears. Especially given the gravity of the situation. This is what completely blew my mind. Yes, I understand that she needed me there, in her life, day to day. But as I've previously stated, my mom's time is limited. Each day that I spend with her is a gift. My ex will more than likely be on this earth for many years to come. This is why I did not make the move nor did I concede to her ultimatum. I just couldn't do it. It made no sense to me. How could I choose her (and her loneliness) over my mother's need for me to be nearby? As a person, as an adult and as a loving gf she should have been able to get past the living alone situation. It's not as if she doesn't have friends to occupy her time, or work, or tons of events that she's always planning. It was a matter of her getting caught up in her own emotion and making the selfish choice.

 

I'm obviously not making excuses for her. I still do not agree with her decision nor will I ever. Can I forgive her? I think so. It really depends on if she's remorseful in any way. I do love her. And I need to forgive her whether I end up reconciling or not. That's definitely part of my healing process either way. If she still thinks that she was in the right, though, I won't be forgiving her in the immediate future. I'd like to but I just wouldn't be able to accept that level of selfishness right now.

 

This is why I'm going into this as open minded as possible. As I've said, if it doesn't pan out then so be it. I'm not willing to sacrifice my own peace of mind for her (not any longer, anyway). In order for us to reconcile, if that's in the cards, then there are certain things that need to be mended. This is one of them. If it can't be mended then I am sure we'll never be able to get over this and will simply go our separate ways. That's just the way it is. I realize this. I'm "ok" with it. I have to be. I couldn't live with myself otherwise.

 

There was very much I loved about her. Her selfishness was not one of those things but I suppose I accepted that it would rear its ugly head from time to time. I guess I just never realized it would show up the way it did. It remains to be seen if this is something that can be remedied.

 

Either way, as you said, I feel that I am operating from a position of power. Not because I'm looking for an 'angle' but because we ALL should ALWAYS be operating from strength, no matter what. Sometimes it's harder than other times but if we are true to ourselves and make confident decisions then we should always be empowered.

 

I'm giving her a chance. That's all. She reached out and I'm interested to see what that means. I owe it to myself to find out. I'll feel better walking away if I can evaluate everything with a clearer head than I had in January. I'm hoping that she can say the same.

 

I appreciate EVERYTHING you said. It all makes a ton of sense and I really can't thank you enough for taking the time to post it all. It helps me a great deal on a lot of different levels.

 

Please keep up with this thread as I could definitely use your perspective on my journey.

 

Thanks a million.

 

- 1784

[robinseggblue]

Thank you for taking the time to share more details. You express yourself very well and it is a pleasure to keep up with your story. I will certainly do so.

 

Now I understand a bit better. People who are not accustomed to/don't enjoy being alone, really hate it. I know that from having a few friends who are from big families and feel sad/lonely the minute the last person leaves the party. That is a lot of responsibility for you (having to be the person who keeps her entertained). I'm sure that she has lots of friends (those types usually do) that keep her company, but should you get into a very LTR with her, I am sure you are well aware that that responsibility will fall directly on your shoulders for the most part. That could get tiring, unless you are the type who loves that role naturally.

 

The more I read of your situation, the less sense her "stand" makes to me. If she gets desperately lonely being by herself, the logical thing to do, would be to....break up with the person who would be most likely to entertain her consistently? Oh so shortsighted! She must have been really used to getting her way with you. She was very lucky.

 

How does your mother feel about all of this? Or have you not bothered her about it? Do they like each other? Maybe this has something to do with your girlfriend's attitude?

[1784]

@robinseggblue

 

Thanks again for taking the time to read my story. I enjoy writing and the perspective it brings me so I'm glad you're getting something from reading it.

 

I'm an only child. I spent a lot of my childhood having to entertain myself because my parents were divorced and both worked. When I got home from school it was just me. My mom brought me up always encouraging me to find constructive things to do. Whether it was writing, drawing, music, etc, I was never really bored. This is just the way I was raised. I have zero problem taking care of myself. I mean, I crave companionship just like anyone else, don't get me wrong. But I am quite independent and self sufficient.

 

My ex, on the other hand, has a sister and a mother who always planned things for her growing up. She had dance class, arts & crafts, sports, camps, etc. You name it. She was always busy and her schedule was always filled. She is not okay with spare time. It makes he feel very uncomfortable. She needs plans.

 

That being said, while we are different in that respect we definitely balance each other out too. I know that we should all be responsible for ourselves. I get that. I'm not LOOKING for her to balance me out. But sometimes things just work out that way. She motivates me sometimes and I calm her down sometimes. It can be good and bad. Ups and downs. I guess it depends on the situation.

 

Yah, her "stand" makes no sense. Why would she choose to be alone (or without bf/immediate future plans/etc) instead of seeing me several times a week but me just not living with her? I don't get that. I thought maybe it was other things that may have been on her mind that caused the breakup but I straight out asked her, "If I had moved in would we still be together right now?". She said "Definitely". So I don't know if this was a combination of her loneliness/her not getting her way (which she IS used to)/etc or if I'm missing something. I think she just freaked out from a number of different things all at the same time. Maybe they were building up in her? I have no clue. While I am an emotional person I do try to think logically when making important decisions. I'm no Mr. Spock but logic does have its advantages, that's for sure.

 

My mother? I mean she gets along with my ex fine. They're not close or anything. My mom just wants me to be happy.

 

So much drama - lol.

Edited March 31, 2011 by 1784

[SingVoice]

OP I am seriously impressed with your maturity. (Maybe you can talk to some of the men in my area!) Haha.

 

Anyway...I think you are right about the remorse thing. If she still feels justified in her reaction...that is a really bad sign. The thing is...let's say after the breakup she talked to her friends or family about what happened. Just based on what you have said...most RATIONAL sympathetic people would tell her she was in the wrong. They would tell her "that was incredibly selfish of you." And if enough people told her that...hopefully she would think about it and it would set in.

 

People who can't be alone worry me...because I think there will always be a part of me that will wonder if they actually DO want to be with me or that they just don't want to be alone. Do you think there is a chance that since she was close to "sealing the deal" (in terms of moving in) with you...she has now realized how hard it will be to start over? And how much further she is away from NOT being alone? I'm not really suggesting that she didn't care about you...just some food for thought.

 

Do you think that she broke up with you because she thought that you would take her seriously and then just up and leave your mother? Because that is really messed up.

[1784]

So just to give everyone an update on things...

 

We spoke last Sunday, the 27th, which was the first time in over a month. That went well. We just caught up on one another's lives. I described the conversation earlier in this thread. The next day she texted me how good it was to hear my voice, etc, etc. Later on she asked me to dinner. So, this past week I had no contact with her. I told her in my last text that I'd get in touch with her to iron out the details of our dinner plans. So I called her last night to do just that.

 

So how did that conversation go?

 

It was fine. Nothing special. Once again we just played a little catch up. She told me about her weekend with her parents, what's going on at work, etc. Just very basic stuff. I did the same. I think we spoke for roughly 25 minutes. The plan is to meet up at 7pm this Friday for dinner. so that's the story.

 

Refelction...

 

I honestly don't know what to expect from Friday's dinner. since she asked me to dinner I feel it's more up to her to dictate the direction of the meeting. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely going to do my best to just be a good date. Just be myself. Entertaining, humorous, charming, dress to the 9s. It's a fancy place so a sport jacket is in order. I plan on looking my best. I'm going to make sure I have conversation topics in place for those moments of silence where I'm hoping that things don't go to "So, what have you been thinking". That is probably a conversation that we're ultimately going to have to have but I'm not so sure our first meeting, in a restaurant, is the place I want to have it.

 

I am getting a tad nervous, I'll admit it. Last week was like a free pass. I knew I had this upcoming dinner so last week was like a time out where I didn't really have to think about anything. What's funny is that last week is the best I've felt in some time. I was in a sort of limbo where I didn't really have to think about anything. Sure, I thought about her and 'things' from time to time but it didn't feel like the pressing issue that it has been.

 

Last night's conversation left me a little 'off'. Like I need a V8 or something. The prior Sunday's convo definitely went my way. She seemed like she missed me a lot and the conversation even ended with her at the beginning stages of sobbing. I felt, well, good about that. Not that she WAS sad but that I knew she missed me and was sad about it. Last night's conversation was a lot more matter of fact. Less emotion. I think that's probably because she's in the same place that I am - waiting for Friday. The fact that she has something on the calendar with me probably makes things less desperate. That's my psych 101 analysis of it anyway.

 

So that's where I am. Waiting for Friday. I feel neither good nor bad. I'm in this weird waiting period of indifference. As Friday approaches I'm sure the anxiety level in me will rise but hopefully not too much. I want to go into this with an open mind, much like a first date. I know it isn't a first date but since we ARE broken up then I want to take the attitude of "Can this go somewhere or not". I don't want to hinge my future on what was. I want to really consider this as a starting point, if that's what it could be. If it isn't then I'll just continue to do what I have been doing - working on me. While I have been very upset about losing her I can't say I've been pining for her either. I have been mourning the loss but not trying to get back together with her.

 

Anyway, my expectations are low. I'm hopeful but not unrealistically so. So we'll see. Any advice from you all? How have you all been?

[TryTryAgain]

Hey 1784. I was hoping you'd give us an update. Glad to hear you're still doing well.

 

I personally wouldn't worry about the "matter of fact" tone of the phone call. It just sounds like you both let everything soak in to a point that you each feel pretty comfortable with each other at the moment.

 

All of what you're describing is to be expected. The anxiety certaily will increase in the days and hours leading up to the dinner, but I'm sure you'll find yourself at ease once you guys start catching up face to face. At least that has been my experience when meeting up with an ex.

 

I think just stay busy this week. Whether it be with work, friends, whatever, keep your mind occupied so you don't psyche yourself out before Friday. Maybe go plan to catch a movie or hit up a museum or something mid-week. Something out of the ordinary. It will help ease any anxiety, plus you'll have more to talk about on Friday!

 

Keep it up.

[1784]

Thanks, man. Can you tell me a little about when you caught up with your ex? What was it like when you first saw her? When you started talking? How did the night end?

 

Please... it would help. Not that it will be the same for me but it would be interesting to compare.

 

Thanks again for responding.

[TryTryAgain]

Our meetup was a little different than yours. After getting some breadcrumbs via text a few times in as many months, she finally said, "let me know if you want to meet up for drinks sometime." I had told myself I was never going to be the one to initiate meeting up, and I honestly never expected her to want to see me again. I thought she had given up forever. I didn't reply to her text until 4 days later when my curiosity got the best of me.

 

We met up at a brewpub that we both really like. I made the suggestion and she said she was thinking the exact same place, so right out of the gate I could sense some excitement on her part. I got there first and grabbed a table where I could sort of see the door. I was about 10 minutes early, and that time waiting seemed like the longest 10 minutes of my life. My anxiety level was through the roof. I started looking at my phone trying to read the news. I wanted to look nonchalant when she came through the door. My palms were sweating and I could even see my hands were trembling a little bit. That's when I saw her walk in out of the corner of my eye. I continued to look down at my phone and finally looked up when she was approaching the table. I will never forget how beautiful she looked that night. I hadn't seen her in nearly 9 months, but she was just as stunning as the first time I laid eyes on her. I got up to give her a quick hug. She sat down and immediately we started into catching up mode. My nerves calmed quickly once I realized she was truly excited to see me. We talked about her work, my work, her family, my family. We had briefly caught up about 3 months prior via email, so we expounded on that a bit as well. The conversation never went dull. It was like our chemistry was back. If I recall correctly, we were there for at least an hour, maybe two. I think I ended up cutting it short. It wasn't because we didn't have anything else to talk about it, but simply because we both had to get up early the next day for work.

 

She offered to pay for the drinks since it was her idea to meet up. I cheerfully accepted her offer and we headed out to the parking lot. This is when things got a little bit uncomfortable. Of course I wanted to see her again, but I didn't want to push it. After all, she was the one who dumped me. After a little awkward conversation, she finally said something like, "so I'd like to see you again, but it's completely up to you." Eventhough I wanted to just grab her and kiss her, I held back. I looked up at the stars and pondered for a few seconds. I told her I would have to think about it given everything that had transpired between us previously. She totally understood. We didn't put a timeline on anything, but clearly we left the meetup with the ball in my court. I left that night feeling like a million bucks. I didn't feel a bit of pressure at all because I suddenly had some control back. It was very empowering.

 

That meetup at the brewpub was on Monday I think. In the days following, I was on cloud nine. But towards the end of the week, I absolutely wanted to see her again. I texted her that Friday night and asked her out to lunch for the next day, Saturday. She enthusiastically replied right away and accepted.

 

The next meeting, we met up at a decent restaurant. Again it was just a little catching up at the beginning. We basically talked about our respective weeks and some other miscellaneous things about the holidays (this was back in December). When we finally ran out of things to talk about, I said, "So, why are we here?" That's when she spilled her guts to me about everything she had been feeling about me over the previous 3-4 months or so. From the sounds of it, she missed me as much as I missed her. She said she had a new appreciation of how wonderful of a man I am and how she didn't realize how good she had it with me until I was gone. She explained that she had dated others, but didn't want to go into details. She urged me to just trust what she was saying in that she has grown and came to a lot of realizations about herself and about us. That's when I reminded her of all of the mean things she said and did when we broke up. She was downright embarrassed about her actions. She then said things like, "you're right, and I don't even deserve to be here" and "If anything, I just wanted you to know that I do realize how wonderful of a person you are" and "You have every right to be mad at me." She then said that she her feelings were strong enough to want to give things another shot. She said that she couldn't guarantee that breaking up wasn't going to happen again, but she did know that her feelings were very strong. I reminded her of how my feelings for her have never wavered, even in the tough times. I told her that I have always accepted her, even with her faults. I further explained that it seems like she wants to bail everytime the going gets rough. I'm actually very proud of myself that I was honest and truthful. The way I felt was that I had nothing to lose at that point. We ended up leaving lunch with more clarity on what she wanted, but I was still a bit guarded. We left that meeting with the approach of, "let's just let everything soak in." I left that day thinking that a reconciliation was inevitable.

 

During that week I had planned to call her and ask her out on a real date that following Saturday. It was the holidays, I was traveling, so I had no need to rush things. Well, she beat me to it and texted me that she missed me. We got to talking and set up a real "date" for the following week.

 

And that's how it went down. We went on a few more real "dates" and they were wonderful. I thought everything was on track when she started acting cold and distant out of the blue after only about a month. I haven't talked to her since the end of January. She disappeared. So, even after what I thought was a two-sided reconciliation, she had never truly addressed her issues and she bailed again. It's heart-wrenching. I don't know if I will ever again get to talk to her and I'm not sure why I would even want to.

 

My biggest advice to you is please don't lose sight of the fact that your ex needs to fully understand why she left you and she needs to demonstrate what she is actively doing to fix the problems. In my case, we sort of just went right back to where we were 9 months prior, but it was clear she hadn't really worked on the core issues that doom our relationship. But I digress...Just get through this first dinner first and then we can talk about what's next.

Edited April 4, 2011 by TryTryAgain

[LifeIsGreat]

1784....

 

I just read through your entire thread and there is something I have to say....

 

I'm 45 and have been through this several times (what you're going through). Not trying to be negative, BUT in my experience it's usually not worth dealing with all this 'walking on eggshells'. As you can see, getting back together takes A LOT of work. Trust me, 98% of the time it's easier to move on and find someone else. I also say this in light of the reason she broke up with you.

 

Reading your post brought back all kinds of memories and emotions from the times I went through this. I totally get the anxiety, strategizing, and emotions you're dealing with. In my case (after all that work) I never wound up making it last long term no matter how hard I tried.

 

Odds are extremely high that after going through all of this you most likely will get your heart broken again and just wind up prolonging the inevitable. As some others have said, you really need to make a decision if this is the woman for you and if you can deal with her 'issues' long term BEFORE you go through all this.

 

In fact, a week ago I got a letter from my ex after 8 months of NC!! I know she is 'fishing', but I have no intention of replying. Why would I??? She's not my GF anymore, and I'm not interested in being her friend---I already have enough friends. Good luck to you.

[1784]

@ TryTryAgain - thank you so much for taking the time to write such a detailed response. I really took a lot away from reading that. I'll respond more thoroughly later on.

 

@LifeIsGreat - I realize the risk I'm taking. I know the odds. I can't help it, though. I have to see this all the way through. I know that things could quite easily not work out. I'm prepared for that. I really am. Hell, I 've already had to deal with that since we did break up. I'm in no way desperate right now and that's the difference. If I had been all depressed and pining away for her then I would know this would not be a wise move for me. I'd be in a weak position and she would have her way with me. This isn't the case, though.

 

For whatever reason she wants to see me, I will see it through. I'm not making this into something it's not. if I get to "that" point then I will address it at that time. I know one thing for sure - if we ever do get to a point of reconciliation and 'try again' we will not go back to what it was. I will never allow it. It will have to be a new beginning. It's the only way that I'd even be tempted to consider it.

 

You are right, though, it does take a lot of work. You know what? We spent 3+ years together. I'm willing to consider "a lot of work". I really am. People come and go but those who you considering marriage with are few and far between. So yeah, it may not work out. It may. Like I said, I'm okay with the risk and I know the odds.

 

I'm trying to take it day by day and not get too far ahead of myself. I'll try to make a smart decision at every fork. what else can I do? She's not a theory or a science project or a thing. She's a person that I loved. I think I owe it to myself to see it through... if that's something that I'm willing to do.

 

Thanks for your words. I do appreciate them and will not dismiss them either.

[LifeIsGreat]

1784..

Fair enough, and I wish you well. For a young guy you seem to be very mature.

[TryTryAgain]

if we ever do get to a point of reconciliation and 'try again' we will not go back to what it was.

 

One "try again"...Fine. More than that you end up with a screen name like mine!

[1784]

@ LifeIsGreat

 

Thank you for seeing my side. I'm not trying to do anything to hurt myself here. I've taken everyone's advice, processed it and measured it against what I think and feel. Sometimes we are in agreement and other times we are not. I consider it all, though. I've gone against my natural instincts at times and you know what? Because of the advice I've gotten here things have worked out better than I imagined. So like I said, I really do listen.

 

I think I've always been pretty mature. I am 35, though, lol. It's not like I'm 18. I've had my fair share of relationship woes. I think that as long as I stay on the side of caution and logic, I'll be okay. Where I am now, I owe her nothing. This dinner was requested by her and accepted by me. That's all it is. No promises of anything. For all I know she may just want to see me and make sure all is well. That's fine. I can handle that. She may want me to see her and think "Man, you look good". she probably will look good. So what? I'm in NYC and there are literally thousands of gorgeous women. She's no model. So at this point I don't exactly know what her motivation for wanting to see me is. I assume I'll find out eventually, though. And If I'm not ready for whatever is coming then I will cordially step back. I'm allowed to do that. It's my life. before when I made a decision I had to consider how it impacted her. This I do not have to do anymore. I'm only looking out for myself. And if I feel uncomfortable or unwilling or anything else... fine. See ya later. Can't do this right now.

 

What do I hope? I guess I do hope things go well. I can't lie about that. Like I said, though, the difference is that I'm not losing anything that I haven't already lost. Sure, I can lose hope. That's alright, though. You have to take some risks in life. Sometimes loss is necessary. I'm not going to run from it.

 

I know that everyone here wants to be happy and avoid further pain. I do too. But sometimes we have to go through these pains in order to grow. Sometimes we have to go through these pains to get what we want as well.

[1784]

@ TryTryAgain

 

Point taken. If we do indeed decide to "try again" then so be it. But if it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out. I think we've both gotten far enough along to realize that this WOULD be our last attempt. still, it may not even get that far. I'm trying to be VERY realistic about the situation. If I were younger I may be all excited and hopeful and giddy about this dinner. Super hopeful! YAY! But I'm honestly not. I don't know whether that's good or bad. I just know that I have to do what works and what is smart... for me.

[1784]

Can we get back to preparing me for Friday's "first date" please? lol

[worldgonewrong]

Can we get back to preparing me for Friday's "first date" please? lol

 

OK, tell you what - I'll be out in the car with her. Wait 2 minutes,

then open the door and say to me, "Hey you, get your damn hands off her."

Then throw a fake punch at me and I'll take the fall. She'll be yours after that!

 

(sorry, just trying to inject some levity.)

[1784]

Flux capacitor.... fluxing.

[TryTryAgain]

You know who's behind all this, 1784?....the Libyans!