Houston, We Have Contact

[1784]

I know. I guess I figured that considering SHE is the one who did all the reaching out, setting up the dinner-date, etc, that she might come off a little more excited about it. But like I said, I think she's just being guarded and trying to come off as aloof. That initial phone call must have been difficult for her as she did NOT do a good job of remaining in control of the situation. I think we're both just trying to get to tomorrow night without giving anything away. That's my estimation anyway.

 

I hope it goes well. Any "last day" advice?

[1784]

Okay, people. I'm approximately 24 hours from go time. Speak now or forever hold your peace. I need all of your best advice and I need it in the next 24 hours.

 

I'm actually kind of excited to see her if you want to know the truth. It's weird. I think curiosity has the best of me. It's not a bad anticipation, though. I'm honestly not saying to myself "she wants me back" or "she wants to reconcile" or anything of that nature. I'm actually just excited to have dinner with her. I think that's good.

[Dazdnconfuzed]

Based on the historical data of how you handled everything on your own, I think you can teach us a couple of things lol.

 

You know how you need to act and the message you are trying to deliver. Make sure she see's the best of you so that it will even further solidify what she already see's in you. Keep alot of humor going even when the conversation starts to get sticky, it some topics cannot be avoided because she kept on bringing them up, tell her that this part of the conversation can happen another time and that you are focused on having fun tonight.

[1784]

Dazdnconfused,

 

Thanks for the moral support and the boost of confidence. I have a pretty good idea of what I need to do, what I need to keep in mind, what I need to keep out of mind, etc. I guess there really isn't much more to be said or commented on until after the dinner takes place. Here's my basic game plan in review:

 

- be myself

- be funny

- treat this like I am a man alone. Someone who doesn't need her because I'm just fine by myself. Because I am. Because I should be. Because in the end you really are only responsible for your own happiness

- don't get emotional

- enjoy the dinner

- enjoy her company

- look sharp

- present the best version of myself (always, not just tomorrow night)

- be casual

- don't go into it as if she's judging me. Go into it as if I am judging her

- go in with a smile and leave with a smile

- know that tomorrow is not the end all be all. It's just a dinner. This isn't a tryout or an interview.

- make sure she knows I'm doing fine

 

... and a bunch of other stuff that I can't think of at the moment.

 

Part of it is having a plan but another part is being human and going with your instincts. I've taken a lot from Love Shack but I've questioned everything all along. I may not have followed everything to a tee but with every situation there is a unique set of personalities and circumstances. I'm doing my best to be smart about it all. It's not always easy. All I do know is that I could possibly be happy with her but I most definitely need to be happy without her, and with myself, no matter what. That's what matters most.

[hunk]

In all honesty, i think you should throw out any of this game plan business. Go with your instincts. Deep down you know fundamentally not to get emotional or do anything stupid, you know how to be yourself. Having this checklist in your head will do nothing but distract you from what's going on around you. Just go with it man, react accordingly to what she says, just be yourself, treat it like you're meeting up with an old casual friend. There's not much to it. You will be fine, she'll notice any formulated behaviour from a mile away. (Not that i'm saying you'll come across as formulated, but you don't want it to appear that way even in the slightest). Just go with what feels right, with the basic rules that you won't bring up the relationship or emotions. Easy. Have a good time and enjoy yourself, treat it like any other dinner outing. Just have fun and make her laugh, you've got nothing to lose.

[1784]

Hunk,

 

You're absolutely right in saying what you did. And to be honest, I don't really have a list in mind. You know, the kind that you'd be repeating to yourself as you entered the situation. That's not me. Not in any situation. I get basic game plan together and then just wing the rest. I've always been like that whether it be on a job interview, a business meeting, etc. I've always been successful in that regard.

 

I think the list was more because I had time to sit down and think about stuff. I mean, yeah, all of that stuff is in my head but I'm not going to go into this with a little checklist on my brain. That would just have me come off as unnatural, uncomfortable and unappealing. As we both know, that is not the vibe I'm looking to give.

 

For me it really is about having a mindset, though. That I can not deny. When we had our first conversation after a month of no contact I definitely went into it with just a confident mindset. I didn't have any particular conversation planned. i did, however, know how I wanted to approach it. And it went very well, the execution of what I wanted to do. I think I gave her my best self. Not fake. Not hurt. Not needy. Not dependent. Not boring. Not idle. Just me, living my life, day to day with no apologies. And I think that's what prompted her to text me the very next day and then ask me to dinner.

 

I think it's good to prepare so that you're not caught like a deer in headlights but it's also good not to over-prepare. Because when you over-prepare you're not ready for the stuff that you didn't ready yourself for.

 

That being said, thanks again, hunk, for the sage advice. I've always been an instincts guy. I have nothing to lose and only self esteem/respect to gain. we'll see what she brings to the table... literally.

[hunk]

Exactly man. You know what you're doing, you know you'll be fine. Chances are she's stressing over this twice as hard as you. Stay true to yourself and whatever the outcome you'll know you stood strong to who you are and ultimately you'll have no regrets. I can almost guarantee that if you keep the happy go lucky carefree attitude she will be thinking about you seriously in the coming days. If she's willing to go to dinner with you then there's obviously intentions of rekindling SOMETHING, or at the very least testing the waters. She wouldn't be going to dinner with you if there were no feelings there. I believe she's looking to restart things, even if it be at the smallest primal level. Remember the basics of attraction and dating, and apply it. You've got the support of everyone here, and your story will be motivation for everyone. Do us proud bro.

[1784]

Thanks, man. I agree with everything you've said. All I know is this - when we broke up she said that she needed to "go through this" and that "she must be pretty serious" as well as "you have to respect that". All of which I did acknowledge and respect without a whimper. I think maybe she was hoping for a whimper. I don't think she expected no contact. In the last email she sent me she said "Maybe we can try to get together in a few months. If not...".

 

Now here we are just a month and a half later and she's the one reaching out. Texts followed by phone calls followed by a dinner. All with me remaining completely aloof.

 

What I am saying is that I have to agree with you. There must be intentions of rekindling "something". Maybe she doesn't even know what that is at this juncture. But after all her speeches about "you go your way and I go mine and if we meet down the road somewhere" (I hate that line), then she must have been having some second thoughts on abandoning all she had.

 

So the way I'm looking at it is - I'm in the driver's seat here. As I should be. Where I plan on remaining no matter what the outcome of the dinner or anything further.

 

Thanks for taking the time to write, man. It really means a lot to me. If you have anything else, don't hold back. If you don't then I surely will do you all proud. No matter what the outcome I will stand my ground and operate from a position of inner strength and pride.

[hunk]

It's funny. Sounds like our situations are quite similar. My ex said the same things about "needing to go through this", and that it didn't have much to do with me but rather a time of her life where she needs independence. Of course we can both see through all this completely now, huh. But still, it's important to acknowledge what she's told you and take some elements of truth and understanding from it. Obviously she isn't an immature little teenager just scrambling at reasons for her wanting other men. She's a respectable, mature woman, and you should know this, because if she wasn't then i don't think you would be pursuing this. (I hope not anyway..). I think at the time of the relationship crumbling, when things start to get boring or dull or whatever, the mindset of the woman is to just shut off and completely check out emotionally. They let go of everything, dismiss the relationship as being done and over and that they'll be able to just up and leave and get on with it. When they finally get hit with the reality that this isn't how life works, and that we've moved on, they start coming to terms with everything and thinking rationally. It's the heat of the breakup period, where they don't want anything to do with us, that i think clouds any type of rationalization. And i think that's where the idea that women think with their hearts stems from. So that being said, treat tonight accordingly, for what it is. She's come to terms with things.

 

I don't think she's testing you or any of that, i think she's faced up to the reality of the situation and she's realized she faces losing you forever, especially by you acting nonchalant and indifferent. She's realized what you had was something special, and i suspect she might be anxious about how you're going to react to the idea of getting back together after she dumped you, so she might not put it completely out there for a while. Honestly man, no woman is going to bother going out for dinner with their ex if there's nothing there. Unless it's some weird mutual friendship thing.. Which this obviously isn't.

[1784]

Once again, I agree with everything you said. While my ex can be quite rational at times (in non-emotional situations), she really does completely fall prey to her emotions a lot of the time. This isn't necessarily just in our relationship either. It's the very same when it comes to her family and friends. She's a crier. She gets all caught up in how she feels minute to minute. How she feels really does dictate the action that she takes. And she very easily justifies it with "Well, that's just what I needed to do" because she felt such and such way at that moment.

 

At the end of our relationship she really had reached a wall. It was en emotional wall that was much of her own doing. She knew how she felt about a particular thing, that was mixed with some other unresolved feelings and at the end of the day, after weeks of contemplation, she decided to throw in the towel. Once that was in her head there was no going back. When you reach that wall the things that come out of your mouth really aren't rational. They're words of desperation. Anything can and will be said to "remedy" the current state of affairs. I truly realize this now.

 

This is why no contact is so important. It allows a person to remove themselves from that emotional wall. It allows a person time to step back away from the situation and revisit it when the emotional ebbs and flows have evened out. I think this is where she is now. It doesn't mean she has come to any mind blowing conclusions but I think it does mean she realizes what she discarded was something that's very worth revisiting. There's a lot of people out there. A lot of ordinary, freaky, stupid, mean, pompous, shallow people. When you've been with someone special who you planned on spending the rest of your life with you don't make hasty decisions about them. And if you do, you make sure (really sure) that it's something that can't be repaired. Because going back to the well when there's a lot of contaminated water to be drawn is a scary thought.

 

I don't think she'll do any talking about getting back together tomorrow night. I could be wrong, though. She's not one who wastes much time. But I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to direct the conversation towards that general vicinity. At the very least I'm sure she's eager to see what I think about 'everything'. She'll probably throw some lures out there but I don't plan on taking the bait. Sure, I may give her a nibble but not much more than that. I can promise you that much.

 

But yeah, you're right, she knows we don't want to be friends. we hypothetically spoke about this a long time ago. We never wanted to be friends if we ever broke up. We both saw no point to it. So I think she wouldn't bother asking me to dinner if she didn't have some thoughts of reconciliation. That's good I suppose. Hell, all I ever wanted to come from reconnecting with her was some glimpse of a choice. No one likes to be told that they can't have something anymore, even if it's bad for them. I'm no different. I just want to be able to look at that thing and say "Yes", "No" or even "Possibly". We'll see if I get that opportunity some time in the near future.

[robinseggblue]

I am rooting for you!

 

Also, I wanted to answer your question as to analysis of why she didn't sound overly eager about your dinner plans. I think it was because you said "looking forward to it." One person has to be more excited than the other about things usually. When she heard that, she thought "Phew, I've still got him. I don't need to be too enthusiastic, because he is." Basically, you "gave" and she "took". She could have given back, to make you feel good too, but she didn't. I am only pointing this out, so that you are very aware that this is still going to be about power in some way. I know you are going to hold back somewhat, but I want to stress that it is probably not a good idea to "give" much ESPECIALLY on the first meeting. She will be monitoring you like an Air Traffic Controller monitors 747's. She will be wondering where she stands. The more she wonders, the better. The last thing you want, is her knowing that you are readily available to her still. I know you know this, but if there's one common "theme" that I see running through these boards (and others), it's that of the dumper (upon reuniting with an enthusiastic dumpee) disappearing for a second time. (Either gradually, or altogether. Happens all the time.

 

That's all. For now anyway. What time is your date?

 

You have enough confidence to get through tomorrow night with flying colors. Now, you just have to do it. As someone else said, once you start interacting, the nerves will go away. It is the now-the anticipation of the date that will be the hardest. Once you hug hello, it will much easier from then on in.

[TryTryAgain]

1784 -

 

D-Day...

 

Good luck, amigo. You truly have been an inspiration on these boards. While we still don't know the outcome, I think many of us have learned so much from the way you have handled this situation, and that is invaluable. You should be very proud of yourself.

 

Have fun tonight at dinner!

[1784]

@ robinseggblue

 

Another really insightful post. You'd think with all of our relationship genius that we wouldn't be in the situations that we're in - haha. Ya know, I gotta say, I've never been through a breakup quite like this and I can tell you one thing for sure, I've really learned a lot about relationships and about myself. It all hasn't been new revelations. Some have been things I've revisited and re-learned. I feel a lot stronger about things. It's really amazing what you can get out of a bad situation if you handle it the proper way.

 

Your analysis is spot on too. I thought it was innocent enough to say "I'm looking forward to it" in my email but now I realize exactly what I did, which is what you said. I gave. I didn't have to but I did. I don't regret it. I mean, I am looking forward to dinner tonight. And to be totally honest, I wanted her to know that. Was I expecting some form of reciprocation? Probably or else I would never have brought it up on this forum. It's fine, though. Just a passing comment. I did think it would have been NICE if she showed some sort of enthusiasm considering she was the one who asked me to dinner but whattayagonnado?

 

I'm definitely going to keep this lesson in mind. I'm not giving anything of myself unless I see her initiating some form of affection towards me. I hate to have to play this sort of game but I feel it's essential right now with where we both are. I do want to keep her wondering. I don't plan on handing her back all the power that I've worked so hard to get this past month and a half.

 

Thanks for keeping me in line. That was a very helpful post, as most in this thread have been.

 

My date is at 7pm. I actually thought I'd be more nervous right now than I actually am. I look good! I'm wearing a suit (no tie) because the place we're dining is pretty fancy shmancy. Plus, I know she likes this suit on me. So I'm not worried about how I'm gonna look. Also, I've dropped about 10 pounds since I last saw her - lol. That alone will have her thinking that I must be moving right along without her. Now it's just a matter of handling the conversation properly and I think my job will be done for the day.

 

Hoooo-ahhhhh..

[1784]

@TryTryAgain -

 

It IS D-Day! As you can see I've been busy writing, haha. It helps, it really does. Getting everything out on 'paper' really allows me to go through all that I'm feeling, see it in front of me, analyze it, learn from it and then let it go. For the forst part of my breakup I wasn't writing at all, and as you can see from all my postings I do like to write.

 

As far as me being an inspiration goes, thank you. I don't really see it that way but I appreciate the kind words. The only thing that I can say about handling my own situation is that you have to be smart, you have to have some balls and you have to be open minded. As I've previously stated, I've learned a lot from coming to LS and reading about everyone's experiences. Some things I agree with 100%, some 50% and some not at all. Some of my posts definitely reflect that. Nothing is absolute when it comes to relationships so there's no secret formula. You take the best of what you learn and apply it. The rest is really up to you.

 

What I've enjoyed most since joining LS is the camaraderie between everyone. I really can't express just how good it feels to know you're all here rooting for me tonight. I've been very honest and forthcoming about my situation. It's really nice to have. I'm lucky. I've also tried to impart my own knowledge and experience into posts here. I hope I've helped everyone as much as they've helped me.

 

Anyway, I do hope I have a good time this evening. One thing's for sure - it shouldn't be boring. I'll keep you all posted. Keep the posts coming! They're all keeping me in a really good frame of mind.

[UplilaclesilK]

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[1784]

Mini update...

 

She just sent me an email which said "I'm nervous to see you".

 

I responded, "Don't be nervous, Xxxxx. It's just me. The same guy you've had dinner with dozens of times. Try to relax. We'll have a good evening. I promise."

 

I think by doing this I am immediately showing that I am not nervous (advantage- me) and telling her how she should handle it (taking control.

 

Then she just responded, "I know. But I feels like you're so far away and I guess I'm torn - I don't want it to feel like I'm having dinner with a stranger but I also don't want to walk away feeling like I left my other half either. I know we'll have a good dinner though. That I'm sure of"

 

Any thoughts? I haven't responded to that last one yet.

[1784]

Alright, well, I handled it. I just said:

 

"Don't over-think dinner. You're not having dinner with a stranger. Let's just see how it goes and how we feel afterwards, okay?"

 

She replied:

 

"Alright alright. I'll be regular."

 

So there you have it.

[TryTryAgain]

I also don't want to walk away feeling like I left my other half either

 

It seems that she's starting to really reveal her intentions. I think you handled your response very well.

 

Given her sentiments above, I wouldn't be surprised if she does in fact push talking about the relationship, so be ready to deflect it. Again, you're going to approach things casually, but that may upset her if she's getting overly anxious about losing you forever.

 

None of this is bad stuff.

[1784]

Yeah, she's not really good about beating around the bush. Especially when she feels there are burning questions that need answering.

 

I was sort of confused about the whole "I also don't want to walk away feeling like I left my other half either" comment. I didn't know WHAT THE HELL she wanted. I tried to just settle her down. Like I said earlier, I think I showed strength while she showed weakness. I don't know how that will play out but I think it was good for me. Not just for the 'situation' but good for me.

 

She may push the envelope with regards to 'us'. I'll tell her what I've said all along on this forum - this is neither the time nor the place for this conversation. Let's enjoy dinner, enjoy one another's company, see how we feel and then reconnect later.

 

I think that's the wisest thing to do anyway. I see no reason to push ANYTHING on this first meeting.

[robinseggblue]

Getting back to what we were talking about earlier- I don't think you should regret saying that you were looking forward to dinner. It seems unlikely at this point, but if things don't go the way you want them to, you can take pleasure in the fact that you were being honest and not playing games. However, when it comes down to more important subject matter, perhaps you should err on the side of caution, just in case.

 

Now, this last text-I am equally as confused as you as to what sheeant by "walk away....,". though I think it is likely that she just meant that she doesn't want to feel uncomfortable or weird at dinner. I think it is cute that she is telling you that she is nervous, and I think you responded perfectly. You are reminding me of suddendumpee and how he graciously handled his problem. And look at his outcome! Keep this attitude and please don't give too much. Of course, there is a fine line between "not caring" and showing too much eagerness, but you are wise and will handle this splendidly. I will send positive vibes your way around 7:00pm!

 

Good luck!!!!

[Dazdnconfuzed]

I am not confused at that text at all.

 

She is well aware that you have much more horsepower at this point, although she is certain she has a little too but knows that you can pull the car to whatever lane you want. She is afraid that at the begining of the night it will require a huge ice pick for her to break the ice since everything that happened and that she is afraid of what might happen after dinner if the ice doesnt break as she wants it, she is afraid of killing the relationship completely with the same fears you have such as being overly emotional which she will 100% will be mid-main course. She is also unsure of how you will react in the long run since the ball is in your court, you have more negiotiating power with the relationship.

 

Alot of thoughts are racing through her head right now and this should excite you but level you at the same time. You are in a spaceship and you can take it to Florida or Saturn with her right now, take it to Florida.

[robinseggblue]

OMG Dazed- you're probably right. This is why this whole "putting our heads together" to solve things mentality is so wonderful! Solved! Good job super sleuth!

[1784]

Brilliant analysis, you two. I think you're right. We could probably create a whole dissertation just based on this thread alone.

 

I think she's in a pretty fragile state right now. Why? Well if she was so sure that her decision to end things was the right one then she wouldn't have reached out to me, asked if she could call, asked me to dinner, etc. She's obviously second guessing herself. And to send me those emails earlier today only confirms this. She has to realize that I seem ok. All that matters is what's in her head. And what I put in her head was that everything was okey dokey. So with that in mind she also knows that she isn't that ok. This immediately puts her at a disadvantage. I mean, I could be a mess (I'm not) but she would never know.

 

Now that we're meeting for dinner she was trying to gauge my feelings on dinner. Am I nervous? Is this gonna be hard for me? What am I thinking about it?

 

I didn't give her answers to any of these questions. This will keep her off balance.

 

Nice, eh?

[robinseggblue]

Nice. Yes.

[1784]

C'mon, we're 2.5 hrs away from dinner time. all I get is a "Nice. Yes."? lol