Houston, We Have Contact

[TryTryAgain]

When I compare your meetup to the one I had this past December, I see a lot of similarities. The biggest similarity is the fact that you had to do a little prodding to get her to open up. If you recall, I ended up asking my ex "why are we here?" Had I not asked that, I'm not sure she would have ever opened up. I wonder if it's a pride thing or maybe just an extreme insecurity of hers about feeling weak.

 

In my opinion, my reconciliation back in December would not have happened if I didn't reach out first in October. She told me that she had wanted to reach out to me, but had convinced herself that it was probably better to just leave me alone. But she explained that she reached the breaking point after about 9 months, so she suggested we get together for drinks if I was up to it. She was not banging down my door per se, but that just isn't her style. I sort of got the vibe that she wanted to explore reconciliation, but I still had to pry a bit to get her to spill her guts.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would just be prepared to give this thing a whole lot of time if you think reconciliaton is in the cards. It took my selfish ex 9 months to come around. She and I even dated others during that time, but we somehow found our way back to each other. I need to remind you though that we are once again apart, so my reconciliation did not prove to be a success story. It seems that most people on these boards judge "second chance" success by whether or not you have moved on and healed. I know that is the best course for me, but my mind won't accept that it is over. To make matters worse, I am in fact seeing a psychologist about my issues with my ex and his advice thus far has been the complete opposite of what others say on here. He actually suggested that I continue to hold out hope for yet another reconciliation with my ex! Can you believe that?...And this wise-guy's advice cost me a $40 co-pay!

 

I think you're doing fine, especially since you handled the dinner so well. In contrast to my meetup with my ex, we did talk specifically about reconciliation and look where that got us. Perhaps it would have been different if we treated it like a completely new relationship again, perhaps not. But a whole new relationship takes time to blossom.

 

So I guess my advice is pretty much in tune with what the others have said...Let her initiate contact again. In the meantime, live your life. It's easier said than done, but certainly a necessity.

[TryTryAgain]

One thing I'd really like to ask you all, especially those of you who have been following this thread, is whether or not you thought having dinner with my ex was too soon/too easy/etc?

 

You could have handled this in many different ways:

1. Ignore her altogether - You would have been kicking yourself for it as we speak and we'd probably be addressing a whole host of different issues.
   
2. Suggested to meet for drinks/coffee instead of the Groupon - Would that have changed her message?...probably not.
   
3. Could have told her that you didn't feel comfortable meeting so soon after the breakup and that you're trying to heal - Would have been a lie.
   

I just don't think "too soon / too easy" would have changed the outcome at this point.

[Ajax]

If you hadn't gone to dinner with her and done super strict NC' date=' you'd always wonder if you had blown a chance at reconciliation. [/quote']

 

I agree with GP. I think that despite this little set back you will be better off for having met up with her than you would if you hadn't. I think it helped with some of the cureosity as well as reinforcing what kind of woman she is.

 

Maybe she'll contact you, maybe she won't, but you put your best foot forward and you can be proud of that. If she doesn't come around don't take it as a reflection of you.

 

It's a sad fact that some people just can't be happy with someone who is actually good for them. Clearly you're a catch and she should appreciate you... but if she's not happy with herself then that may not be possible.

 

Bottom line is, you handled things the best way you could, and I doubt anyone else could have done any better.

 

To make matters worse, I am in fact seeing a psychologist about my issues with my ex and his advice thus far has been the complete opposite of what others say on here. He actually suggested that I continue to hold out hope for yet another reconciliation with my ex!

 

What's his logic? Seems counterproductive to me. And I guess I didn't follow your thread close enough, what happened to end your reconciliation?

[TryTryAgain]

What's his logic? Seems counterproductive to me. And I guess I didn't follow your thread close enough, what happened to end your reconciliation?

 

I do not want to hijack 1784's thread, but long story short I suspect my ex has major commitment issues to the point that she sabotages relationships. These are major issues that are out of my control. As for my psychologist, I expressed to him that I think my goal is to truly move on from this, but his logic is simply that he's "playing devil's advocate." Who knows, that was just one of many things we talked about during an hour-long session.

 

With regard to 1784's situation, there have just been so many similarities with how selfish, yet lovable our exes are. Dealing with a selfish partner is an especially delicate situation, and a harrowing commitment for that matter.

[1784]

Thanks for the responses, guys. I agree with you all no because I want to but because it seems to make the most sense. 'Trying' and 'acting like a fool' are two totally different things. I could have easily met up with her, poured my heart out, told her how much I missed had and loved her. begged for a second chance, etc. I did not do any of this. I was merely gauging where she 'was'. That's fine. If anything, I came out looking like the confident one. I mean, that's good for me. The only concern I have about it is what if seeing me 'okay' is all she needs to move on? I know, I know, then that's what's meant to be. You can't force someone to be with you. It's the last thing I want. Truly. As I stated in a previous post, I want her to WANT to be by my side. I don't want any sort of angle to get me there. My only angle is to be the best me I can. She can either take it or leave it. She always had that option. Everyone always does.

 

I've definitely learned a lot just through this dinner alone, I must say. I was thinking about a time in the future, if we're not together, in which we were both over this. and I thought to myself, "I don't want her to be over me". But then I thought better about it. Do I really want her to be with me whilst she is 'broken'? Or while I'm still hurting like this? That's desperation and not necessarily love. It can be love but i don't think you make your best decisions in these hurtful situations. So then I thought, "But if she's all healed would she still want to be with me"? That thought scared me for a second. I thought to myself "No, she will have moved on". But in the end I think that if she's at her best and I'm at my best that THAT is when the true test comes into play. If you're fine and she's fine and you still think it would be a good idea to be together then that is really the best judgment.

 

Of course there are always exceptions. People break up, split up, take time, etc, and wind up together. I guess every situation is unique.

 

Also, TryTryAgain, i think our exes are very similar (once again). The reason why I ultimately did go to dinner with her (not the only reason, mind you) was because she is a very prideful person. I'll admit it, I thought if I didn't take this shot at seeing her I may not get another one. If she sees me ignoring her then she won't come back. That's her. That's her personality. I didn't want to miss an opportunity to see what was going on with her. This is always in the back of my mind, though, when people preach NC. She's not really the type to beg. She has too much confidence for that. Obviously I'm not gonna cater to her every whim. If I'm not ready for something I'll tell her. if I don't want to meet, i won't. But to flat out ignore her would be a real gamble. I'm just being honest with you guys. She's not exactly typical. As has been previously mentioned, she can handle things in a very masculine way. I have to be real careful with my approach.

 

So there you have it.

 

You're all right, though. Time is everything. Time is what we both need. Time is what I have. Time is what I'll have to use.

 

What say you all?

[Ajax]

I suspect my ex has major commitment issues to the point that she sabotages relationships.

 

Same with mine. You, me, Greenpolicy, and 1784 should drink to that.

 

 

I've definitely learned a lot just through this dinner alone, I must say. I was thinking about a time in the future, if we're not together, in which we were both over this. and I thought to myself, "I don't want her to be over me". But then I thought better about it. Do I really want her to be with me whilst she is 'broken'? Or while I'm still hurting like this? That's desperation and not necessarily love.

 

I agree but with reservation. Everyone breaks at times. Everyone falls apart. Should our loved ones abandon us when we're broken? Should we abandon them when they are?

 

Obviously in our cases we did not abandon them, but they left us. But I get cautious when I hear people say that if someone's broken they shouldn't be in a relationship. If you make a commitment in an already established relationship, if you're married, do you walk out on it if one of you is going through something? I wouldn't.

 

Sadly though, too many people do.

 

But as has been said before, 1784, you did everything in yor power, and nobody can accuse you of bailing on your ex. When it's the other person who walks away, that's when we need to look to our own healing first and foremost. I think you're doing that.

[GreenPolicy]

This is always in the back of my mind, though, when people preach NC.

 

For me, NC is not an iron-clad rule to be followed no matter what, no exceptions. I think it's a tool to heal when all hope appears to be lost. And once all hope appears to be gone, you don't initiate contact. If they contact you, then it's up to you based on what they say, the medium in which they say it in, as to whether or not to respond.

[Graceful]

Good evening, seventeen, how was your day? I had an interesting day today, I had an event to attend that was out of the normal routine, and it was very enriching. Hope your day has been okay.

 

The dinner. mmmmm. okay. I know I'd still be thinking about it, too. All I can say is that you did what came naturally to you, which was to accept the invitation and put your best foot forward. If you had really felt that "iffy" about it, you would have told your ex that even though you wanted to see her very much, you felt it was too soon for you, and asked for a rain check. But you didn't do that, so I'd say you definitely did the right thing. Nothing even close to a mistake. I don't believe in having regrets, anyhow. For me, what's done is done, good or bad. If you do an action with a good purpose in mind, there is never anything to regret, even if the action does not yield the results you had hoped for. (note: I'm not into this "giving up, or not giving up" lingo. Drives me a little nuts, to be honest).

 

Sometimes there is just no "right" or "best" time. You just dive in. And that's what you did. You did wonderfully that evening, how many times do I have to tell you that what you did was irresistible, a real class act.

 

I don't know if you're going to like what I'm about to say, or if you're going to agree with it, but have at it and let me know. It is this. My perception of your ex is that despite the fact she broke up with you, she doesn't see it that way. She sees it that you caused the breakup and made it inevitable, because you did not move in at the promised time, despite the very serious and understandable reason. So not only does she not hold herself responsible for the breakup, she does not think of herself as broken, either. (you mentioned she is broken in another post). How can she fix herself when she doesn't even see herself as broken? She can't and won't. And since she did not cause the breakup ... (here it comes ... ) my strong perception is that she is holding out for you to either make the next move, or for you to be the one to ask for a reconciliation.

 

That's my perception of your ex based on her narcissistic and self-centered POV -- it's also because you said that it is her contention that if you had moved in at the designated time, you'd still be together. So who is to blame for the breakup? According to her, you are.

 

Of course, you absolutely cannot contact her. I am only saying this to put something new in the mix and for you to think realistically if you can expect to hear from her. This is someone who does not feel she did anything wrong. So why (in her head) should she be the one to ask for a reconciliation? Do you see what I mean? So I am wondering what you think? It's just my take, of course, and I wanted to throw it into the pot. Take care. See you soon.

 

ps I really found it interesting to hear how her mother treats her father, and how her mother has encouraged your ex to be assertive, almost to the point of draining all emotion out of a situation to solve it. And that it is going to take a strong, perceptive and loving guy to deal with her and get her to back off, after being raised that way. But I can also see why you find that an attractive trait, just not when it is taken to extremes.

Edited April 11, 2011 by Graceful

[TryTryAgain]

Do I really want her to be with me whilst she is 'broken'? Or while I'm still hurting like this? That's desperation and not necessarily love.

 

I have an interesting recollection about this sort of sentiment with my ex. When we we first met up, she asked me what I did last summer when we were apart. I was honest and told her that it was sort of an uneventful summer...Some traveling for work, a few trips out of town with some friends, my 30th birthday, etc. Strangely enough, she asked the same question a few weeks later after we had already been on a few dates. I reiterated that it was sort of uneventful, but I added that it was a pretty hard summer on me because there were many things that we had talked about doing together as a couple that we obviously didn't get to do. She seemed sort of put off by it, almost like she lost a lot of respect for me. What I find striking is now that I look back on it, that was probably a turning point in our reconciliation where she lost attraction and everything became all too real for her. The look on her face was like, "so, you let little old me ruin your summer?...Pathetic!" Or maybe the guilt was too much for her. Maybe I was wrong in bringing it up. Maybe it's some resentment that I harbor subconsciously.

 

My point is, I sort of thought she would have embraced my admission of weakness and distress. Rather, she shunned it like most commitment-phobes do..."Ugh, my ideal man would have been stronger and would have moved on...I can't be with this guy!" So maybe in essence she thought that we both brought back together by desperation on both our parts, but not by true love.

 

I probably just over-analyzed that point.

[Ajax]

I probably just over-analyzed that point.

 

 

Nah, I can see how that makes a certain amount of sense.

 

Also 1784, Grace makes an interesting point about your ex not thinking she was the one who ended the relationship. If her relationship with her mom is that effed up, then no doubt she can't comprehend why you would chose to spend time with your mom while she was sick rather than move in with her.

[Graceful]

Nah, I can see how that makes a certain amount of sense.

 

Also 1784, Grace makes an interesting point about your ex not thinking she was the one who ended the relationship. If her relationship with her mom is that effed up, then no doubt she can't comprehend why you would chose to spend time with your mom while she was sick rather than move in with her.

 

Ajax,

Yes, this is definitely part of it. Her own family dynamic would be part of what dictated her strong reaction (she broke with 1784, that's strong) to his decision. Her mother is a very strong person, rules the household and the dad figure is a more relaxed, compromising person. Therefore, the ex would have a hard time comprehending why 1784's mother couldn't handle her situation from afar, and not only that, but everything reverts back to her anyhow, so, well, you know the rest.

 

Bottom line: 1784's ex does not see herself as broken. Nope. And I can tell you after spending many, many posts with Green, that his ex does not see herself as broken either. In her case, she knows her experience in life is tainted by her family of origin, but she just takes it in stride, she doesn't think there's anything she can do about it, and she certainly doesn't see herself as someone who needs to be "fixed".

 

As for Try Try, I posted to you a while back, and your ex is also a very assertive person who completely pushed you away. Independent to a fault.

 

I don't know enough about Colleen to know if she felt she needed to work on her issues, or again, if she will stay the way she is because she has no clue that she needs fixing.

 

I can tell you one thing in Try Try's case: your ex was not a good match for you at all. I don't care if she's a commitment phobe, I don't care if she's a psycho, I don't care if she's Mary Poppins' cousin, it doesn't matter what label you put on the woman, she's not right for you. She's a horrible match for you. You need someone who wants to share 50/50 right down the line with you, who gets the same charge out of sharing and being supportive as you do. She was not right for you, that's the way I saw it. And your therapist needs his head examined for giving you that "advice" -- terrible. And I'm glad you could see that!!

 

I'm flat out tired tonight, guys. Have sweet dreams and a good night, and I hope to catch up with you soon. "House" is on in a little while (I love House) and I'll probably pop into bed shortly thereafter. Take care, all. Good night!

[1784]

@ everyone

 

I've definitely been pondering that maybe she thinks I caused the breakup and therefore doesn't feel the need to be the one who tries to fix it, or herself. In fact, I've pretty much been thinking that since we had dinner. I hadn't gotten to the point of verbalizing it until I saw that you brought it up. So I'm glad that you did.

 

I think it's a valid point. She probably looks at it, because she is so self-involved, that I failed her by not moving in as scheduled. Therefore she may actually be waiting for me to offer her some kind of reconciliation. Something that I could change or do differently to make this work. At the same time, though, before we ultimately broke up, I made it CRYSTAL CLEAR that I had every intention of moving in with her. That me NOT moving in had everything to do with my mom and nothing to do with my feelings for her. I wanted this to be absolutely understood by her. I mean, she may not have totally bought it but there wasn't much else I could do. Initially when i told her I wasn't moving in mid December she struggled with it but seemed to come to grips with it. She even told me that her mom said "I'm glad that 1784 is staying with his mom in her time of need". I thought her mom's approval would have sealed the deal as far as understanding goes. And it seemed to for a brief time (the duration of December). But when January rolled around and my mom got worse news about her condition it seemed like my ex just threw in the towel. she just couldn't wait. I have no idea why. It seemed that she just wasn't happy. Not just with me not moving in but with the fact that she was coming home to an empty apartment every night.

 

Back story: her roommate moved to Florida in November. The promise of me moving in December kept her satiated. She absolutely HATES to be alone. So when I didn't move in she just really went into the dumps.

 

So at the end of January, with no sign of a light at the end of the tunnel, she threw in the towel. She said she couldn't stay in this "in between" state any longer, waiting for things to happen. That's pretty much how we ended it. She gave up. She said she just couldn't do this any more. She said I needed to be there for my mom and she needed me to be there for her. Of course my reply was "can't I do both?" but this, I suppose, was not enough. It's all I could do, though. As I've said, she lives an hour away. Currently I am 5 minutes from my mom and to move an hour away at this juncture just seemed silly to me. Well, not silly but not smart.

 

So yeah, I think there is a part of her that definitely thinks I caused the breakup. I may not have come out and said "I can't do this anymore" but she probably thinks that I was the reason behind it. The fact that I wasn't willing to move in with her. It was the final nail in the coffin.

 

Again, I don't know how she can honestly think this. What BETTER reason could I POSSIBLY have not to move in?!? I kind of think she thought it was a convenient excuse. And if that's what she thinks then that's just sad. I really wanted to move in. I was excited about it. She was excited about it. It was the last step before engagement in both our eyes.

 

So I don't know what else to say here. She knows why I didn't move in. If she chooses to interpret it differently then there really isn't anything I can do to change that. I told her why i couldn't move in when I was scheduled to. I mean, I apologized for it. It killed me to see her so upset about it. I would change things if I could but I can't. and I don't regret my decision. If she couldn't "survive" a few months at a time when I really needed her understanding then I really don't know what she'd do in the future when there's a similar situation. I needed to know she had my back. She failed. And I think I need to start looking at it that way. I've been beating myself up over this, telling myself that I somehow failed her. I dunno. You can all chime in here.

 

So... what do I do? I mean, if she really IS thinking this way then is it really I who need to do something? Even if she did think I caused the breakup she did ultimately reach out to me (via text, via telephone, inviting me to dinner). That has to say something, no? Perhaps we're on more even ground than I think? If so, what's the plan?

 

Thanks in advance for the advice. Please keep it coming.

Edited April 11, 2011 by 1784

[1784]

The only other thing I'll say, which I may or may not have said before, is that perhaps she was more in love with the idea of "us" than actually in love with me. She loved the idea of us moving in together, buying furniture, getting engaged, getting married, buying a house, having kids, going on vacations, etc, etc, and so on. She wanted this Crate & Barrel lifestyle but when things got real and interrupted the execution of her fantasy relationship she buckled. When things got tough she bailed. She didn't see this scenario in the catalog that she subscribes to. There was no "he postpones moving in" on page 23 to compare it to. She likes it neat and simple.

 

This isn't the easiest thing for me to admit because it undermines my own importance to her. I want and deserve to be #1, not her fairytale. Without me there is no fairytale. Still, I feel like she's chosen the fairytale over the person. I don't see how that could be healthy or how it could ever work out for her.

[Wicked_City]

Sorry to chime in so late but I had to let you, 1784, know how much you are helping me cope with my recent break up. Reading your posts is like wearing a garlic lei to fend off vampires. The wisdom of the good people here are amazingly helpful and insightful.

 

So, thanks 1784, for your openness and ability to articulate all the feelings swirling inside you. I don't know how the heck you do it. I'm absorbing all this and sure hope you'll find this message somewhat comforting.

[1784]

I appreciate that, Windy_City. I really do. I guess I consider myself somewhat of a guinea pig. I'm throwing it all out there, for me and for all of you. I've always been a bit of a writer so I figured I could put it to good use on this forum. I'm trying to hit everything I can. I don't want to avoid anything. I want to deal with it, day to day, head on. There are things that I realize today that I didn't just a few days ago. As long as I feel like this is productive then I'll keep at it. And of course I'll keep trying to help others out as I'm helping myself; like all of you have been doing for me.

 

Thanks for letting me know, though. It does mean a lot to me. I'm glad you're able to take something away from all of this. Feel free to chime in whenever you feel like it. Everyone is welcome to give their two cents.

[TryTryAgain]

I can tell you one thing in Try Try's case: your ex was not a good match for you at all. I don't care if she's a commitment phobe, I don't care if she's a psycho, I don't care if she's Mary Poppins' cousin, it doesn't matter what label you put on the woman, she's not right for you. She's a horrible match for you. You need someone who wants to share 50/50 right down the line with you, who gets the same charge out of sharing and being supportive as you do. She was not right for you, that's the way I saw it. And your therapist needs his head examined for giving you that "advice" -- terrible. And I'm glad you could see that!!

 

1784,

 

This is precisely why I have been sitting on the sidelines. While there are some striking similarities with our exes, our overall situations are vastly different. Keep in mind, my ex has come and gone several times, and I've let it happen. I didn't protect my own heart. My relationship was not a healthy one. In your case, you at least had a solid foundation of a relationship and some longevity to show for it. The longest stretch my ex and I had together was the first 3-4 months of dating. Graceful certainly isn't the first person who has expressed that my ex and I weren't right for each other (Although I do have to say characterizing my ex and I as a "horrible" match is a bit insensitive. No reason to add insult to injury).

 

The last thing I want to do is muddy the waters and give you false hope by making too many comparisons of our exes. Yes, I have had reconciliations. Yes, I have gone through similar emotions as you're going through right now. But the fact of the matter is I have not gotten back together with my ex for good, nor have I healed. All I can do is share my experience.

 

I think you should be mindful of Graceful's advice above because I think it applies directly to your situation: "You need someone who wants to share 50/50 right down the line with you, who gets the same charge out of sharing and being supportive as you do." I'm truly hoping your ex comes around and realizes the err in her ways. At the same time, she just may not be capable. But there is nothing you can do to change that. It truly does have to come from within her. And no one knows if or when that will happen, not even her at this point.

[1784]

@TryTryAgain

 

Look, you don't understand completely. Our exes, our situations, they don't have to be "the same". It's not in the details of our situations that helps me, it's what you say, how you say it, how you feel, etc. Everyone's situations are going to be different because we're ALL dealing with different exes. No two are the same. I just happen to think there are similarities between them. They may be few but they are there. and something like selfishness as a commonality isn't something to shake a stick at.

 

I'm sensing that Graceful's post struck a nerve with you to a certain degree. That happens. We're all dealing with sensitive situations here and none of us know the full extent of what the other is going through. They don't know the day to day stuff and they certainly aren't in your heart. There certainly have been things that others have said on this thread that have rubbed me the wrong way or stung a little. What can I say? It's not a perfect formula. But I carry on, try to explain everything to the best of my ability and take what I can get.

 

YOU have been a huge part of my journey thus far, as I've said. If you want to stay on the sidelines that's totally your choice. I respect that. But please know that all of your posts help me. Every one of them. I'd like you to stay active on this thread as a favor to me. You may not think you're always helping because we're not in the same boat or have the same kind of relationship with our exes but you'd be wrong. You help in ways you don't even realize. Just being there helps.

 

So please, stay with me.

[TryTryAgain]

Yeah, that post above struck a nerve. You're right, it happens. It comes with the territory.

 

And all of your points are well-taken.

 

I think I'm just having a really bad day. I had a horrible weekend thinking about my ex and it spilled over into today.

 

Don't worry, man. I'm here for you and will continue to be.

[1784]

Yeah, I kind of figured it struck a nerve. I thought it was a bit much myself. I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it, though. That's why I always hate emails and such, the words just sit there, static, and you can always go back and re-read them, good or bad.

 

Why don't you tell me about your weekend? I don't care much about people "hijacking MY thread" or anything like that. I like to think of this as more of a community of people. And being that we've all contributed to this thread quite a bit, sharing insights and opinions, why don't you tell me (us) what's on your mind? It'll probably help. Plus, I think I'm at a bit of a standstill with my own situation. I think I've talked the holy sh*t out of it. I'm not sure there's really much left to say. The last two posts I made have gone unanswered - lol.

 

Thanks for staying with me. It means a lot. I'd like to be there for you too. While I may not be the best at taking my own advice i think I do pretty well at giving it. lol

[GreenPolicy]

And I can tell you after spending many, many posts with Green, that his ex does not see herself as broken either. In her case, she knows her experience in life is tainted by her family of origin, but she just takes it in stride, she doesn't think there's anything she can do about it, and she certainly doesn't see herself as someone who needs to be "fixed".

 

 

It's heartening to read that. It helps me realize I'm not the crazy one, that I'm not just being a baby over the end of a relationship that ran its natural course and am coping poorly with it. I did a little exercise where I tried to imagine if the roles were reversed. I would have NEVER done to her what she did to me. If engagement/marriage was not something I was sure about, I would have never brought it up, put it on the table and tried to establish it as a goal to strive towards. I would have never emailed her wedding venue suggestions, tried to arrange a dinner between the parents, tried to introduce her to my 92 year old grandmother, or strongly insinuated and implied that a formal proposal was in the works right before dumping her. If the roles were reversed, I'm sure she would have been beyond shocked, beyond bewildered and confused, deeply hurt and wounded. I can't imagine her friends and family would have been too understanding of how I handled things.

 

I feel like a good relationship needs three components: physical attraction, chemistry, and compatibility. Physical attraction is self explanatory. You don't need to be a 10, but you have to present yourself well and do the best with what you have. Chemistry I would define as just a certain way of interacting with a person that establishes a connection. And compatibility I would say is having similar hobbies and interests, along with similar values and goals in life. I remember a girl I had a fling with a couple of years ago that I had great chemistry with. We really cracked each other up and made each other laugh, could finish each other's sentences...we had a really great repartee with each other. But the physical attraction for me was so-so and there was almost zero compatibility. The hours she kept, the things she liked to do, the hobbies and interests she had, held no appeal for me, and vice versa. It of course did not work out.

 

With my ex, I really felt like all three of those things were there. I treated her well, she said she wanted the same things as I did (get married, start a family). We got along great, we had some great times. And the way she ended things, what can I take ownership that contributed to the demise of the relationship? It amazes me that I wasn't worth a single conversation. Not a single conversation. What she said when she broke up with me was not a frank conversation about us and our relationship, it was simply a unilateral decision that she announced.

 

I'll also remember something she said when she broke up with me. We had four weddings we were supposed to go to last fall for her friends/family. We had been to one already and the second was the day of the breakup. She made a comment about how she didn't want me to go to weddings I didn't have to go and didn't want to go. And I was very hurt by this comment. Where did this come from? I never expressed ANY resentment about going to these weddings. They're weddings. You get to dress up and eat cake. You go and support your partner as her date. I realize that she was engaging in projection to justify her decision to dump me. She must have twisted something I said or didn't say about the weddings and turned it into me resenting having to go...the night before she dumped me I was talking to her on the phone and I even said "I'm excited about the wedding tomorrow and having such a sexy date." WTF? Why would you say that about my attitude towards the weddings? I did quickly correct her when she said that and told her "Look, I never resented having to go to the weddings with you. I love you and I just love being with you, I don't care what we're doing. I'd love to go to a tax seminar with you."

[TryTryAgain]

Well, since you asked...

 

It's like I've been waiting for something to happen. Whether it's just me holding out for a phone call from her or just having something "click" in my head, I feel like I'm waiting for something. What hit me hard this weekend was yard work. Yep, sounds strange, I know. This was the first really nice weekend here and it was the first opportunity of the spring to get things cleaned up. It's usually about a two day process trimming, weeding, hauling off yard waste, etc., and to be quite honest I loathe it every year. At first on Saturday, I was happy to be out in the sun. Here I was working hard, breaking a good sweat, and listening to the Huey Lewis & the News station on Pandora. It reminded me of a simpler time. 80s music can really be uplifting even though a lot of the lyrics to songs are pretty dang sappy. I guess it just brings me back to childhood when I didn't know any better about the trials and tribulations of dating and finding love.

 

Anyhow, as I was working I started thinking about the ex, and for the life of me I could not get her out of my head. I was hoping that being outdoors and working in the sun would be a good change of pace for me. She's in my head most of the time anyway, but I thought this could be a good distraction since I would be working on something that gives me a great sense of pride when I'm finished. As the day wore on, I kept playing and replaying past conversations with her in my head. "Ooh, what if I said this, or what if I did that....Boy, I would sure like to tell her this." I kept picturing her driving up while I was working and what such a scenario would look like. Would she be dropping by just to say hi? Would she be wanting to talk about us? Would she be wanting to apologize for the way things went down in January? It was maddening. Then reality would start to set in that she's probably not coming back. I would remind myself that I still haven't even received an acknowledgement from her of the flowers I sent on Valentine's day. That says it all right there. Then I would begin sobbing to myself. I felt utterly defeated. I had so many high hopes for this spring and summer when we began to reconcile in January. Being outside in the nice weather began to make me feel ill. All I could picture was her living it up enjoying the gorgeous weather without me, again! I went through all of these same emotions last summer, and it never got any easier.

 

Sunday wasn't any better. Again, all of that time outside by myself was just pure hell. I would see a neighbor walking in my direction in the distance and fantasize that it was her. I pictured her doing yard work with me. I reminisced about a few of the dates we had in my backyard, drinking beers and playing with her puppy in the grass. It was downright overwhelming. And then I would again be overcome with this sense of defeat. I would start to freak out about how I'm going to deal with this again this summer. I started coming up with plans to contact her when I feel more apathy towards the situation. But who am I kidding, I have never been capable of apathy! I feared what she might say if I were to have called her then and there. At the end of the day, I just felt emotionally and physically drained. All from yard work and pure fantasy that was conjured up in my head!

 

To make matters worse, my dad was in town and we went to dinner with my sister and her husband on Sunday evening. Of course I did my best to be the fun-loving me that everyone has been accustomed to over the years. My dad and I rode together back to my house as he was staying the night before his flight Monday morning. He asked me how things were going and I opened up to him about how I feel trapped, in a rut, severe ruminations, etc. His response was simply, "It's a shame you're going through that." I was a bit crushed. He actually was here the weekend after all of the stuff went down with my ex in January. We talked about things to quite a great extent at that time, but at the end of the day his response was pretty much, "well you're just going to have to get over it." He saw me at my lowest, but it seems he cannot relate, so he chooses to ignore it. It was much the same way last night, so I didn't go to bed feeling that great about myself.

 

So, yeah, waiting for something to happen. I know she probably isn't going to call, so I'm waiting for something to click. NC gets harder for me everyday because my mind runs wild. That is why I finally chose to see a psychologist. I know I need to change my behavior. At this point, it is not her, it is me. It is me who allows this crap to continue non-stop in my head. Cognitive behavioral therapy seems like it should do the trick, but I know it's going to be a long road. I don't really even know what I'm trying to solve. Is it my relationship behaviors? Is it my fantasy view of everything? Is it me being so hard on myself all the time? It's probably a combination of everything. I think I need a lobotomy.

 

In terms of my personal experience with "second chances," I feel like I did a hell of a lot right, but I also did a hell of a lot wrong. I also think my psychological issues really complicate things. I have never dealt with rejection well. It takes me an inordinate amount of time to get past being rejected, especially as it pertains to romantic relationships.

 

Okay, that was a lot of venting, but that's me. That's what's been going through my head.

[Ajax]

I also find this thread quite helpful. I've been pretty nostalgic latey, remembering how a year ago I went to my ex's graduation and thinking that this year she'd be going to mine. Ialso remember the romantic this we did in the spring. Picnics, walks, other fun things...

 

I read "He's Scared, She's Scared," and see how she fit the bill for a commitment-phobe to a T. We went from the very height of our relationship to her throwing it away in literally a week. He cousin, who introduced us, has said that in the eight months since she broke up with me she's avoided family gatherings and generally acted distant.

 

1784, I think about how I'd handle things in your situation and don't think I'd handle things any better if my ex reached out.

 

But seeing your experience, I'm not sure now that I'd ever agree to open the door back up if she contacted me. I've been listening to "Jar of Hearts" by Christina Perri, and keep telling myself "this is how I'd respond."

 

I don't know. Just wanted to chime in again.

[1784]

Thanks for sharing, GreenPolicy, TryTryagain and Ajax. I think all this venting has to be good in one way or another. Ya know something that I'm noticing? Our similar personality traits. How we go about handling ourselves and our exes. I don't think it's a coincidence that we're all here on LS. What I mean is, it figures. I think we're all pretty passionate, sensitive, intelligent, caring, accommodating (key point) people. I'm not so sure our exes would ever wind up on a board like this. Maybe we care too much? I dunno. Maybe our exes just don't have the capacity to care as we do. I know we've all been hurt and the disposition that one takes after being hurt is different than that of the dumper. But still, I know we're only getting one side of the story here yet I seem to see this love and understanding that we all seem to have which doesn't look like it is or was reciprocated by our exes. Maybe it's just meant to be that we're here and not with them. I dunno.

 

I'll tell you one thing that I've been doing that I need to change. Sure, I've talked all confident and strong. I've been doing my best to be those things for myself. But one thing I haven't done is really (REALLY) hold her accountable for the things she fell short on. I know I've mentioned them in this thread but I'm not so sure I was MAD about them. I almost feel as if I've been giving her the benefit of the doubt, apologizing for her decisions because she's this way or that way. When I went to dinner with her I definitely took a confident attitude, came off as 'ok', made her laugh, etc. But you know what I truly didn't do? I didn't go into it like she should be the one trying to win me back. I still felt, inside, that I had showed up to try out for the team again. I took a different angle this time figuring I might get the job again. Maybe THIS time around she'll see the version of 1784 that she needs to see. This was wrong and is wrong. I didn't do anything wrong. She failed me. She wasn't there when things got tough. It's easy to be a good gf/bf when things are going well. Hell, anyone can do it. But it takes that special person to be there when everyone else loses hope or is disappointed in you or if you're unsure of yourself. That's what makes them so special. That's what makes you want to be with them for the duration of your life.

 

I've had her on a pedestal and kept her on a pedestal, catering to what I think she wants and needs. I've been forgoing MY wants and needs because I wanted her to want me so badly. Well she's the one who should be trying to get me back, not the other way around. All I've done is been there for her as best I could. I really can't imagine her saying the same. And if she can then I know without a shadow of a doubt that she's not the one for me. Because I deserve more. I deserve to receive what I put in.

 

To end the post how I started it... I think we all seem SO eager to do what our exes need. Ya know, that says a lot about us. We're dedicated. We love(d) them. And we shouldn't apologize for that at all. They all seem selfish to me. It's one thing to just not want to be with someone. I get that. Sh*t happens. Some people aren't meant to be together. I'm okay with that. But the stuff I read here on these boards makes me sick sometimes. We should all be proud of how we love. It's nothing to be ashamed of and everything to be proud of.

[worldgonewrong]

1784: I know I infrequently comment on this thread, but I have read it religiously. Your level-headedness continues to be an inspiration. I know you are frustrated too, but sharing your thoughts has no doubt helped A LOT of people here who are walking similar paths. So thank you.

[1784]

@worldgonewrong

 

Thanks for the kind words. I'm not doing so fantastically today so they really mean a lot. It makes me happy to think that while I'm going through difficult times others can perhaps take something positive away from it. I mean, I also try to take something away from it. All of this writing seems to help. People's responses certainly help. Just feeling not so alone does wonders. it makes me sad to think so many people got screwed. Since I've been here part of my objective is not only to heal myself but to help others as well.

 

I'm all sorts of confused today. Frustrated. Angry. Sad. My posts will probably be all over the place - lol.