Houston, We Have Contact

[TryTryAgain]

I read "He's Scared' date=' She's Scared," and see how she fit the bill for a commitment-phobe to a T[/quote']

 

Ajax - I'm still reading this book. Yep, my ex fits this mold as well. Interesting book.

 

 

I think we're all pretty passionate, sensitive, intelligent, caring, accommodating (key point) people.

 

Honestly, this is what keeps me coming back to the thread. There's sort of a camaraderie going here. I would love to meet you all for beers sometime!

 

But one thing I haven't done is really (REALLY) hold her accountable for the things she fell short on. I know I've mentioned them in this thread but I'm not so sure I was MAD about them.

 

This is the tricky part. I thought I was holding my ex accountable for her short-comings by simply bringing them up during our reconciliation. I didn't gloss over them by any means. I told her how low she had made me feel and how I was surprised to all of the sudden hear her singing a different tune. She even mentioned that "she was so glad I was standing up for myself" and that she "deserved to hear all of it." But at the end of the day, what were the consequences for her? None. She still got me back, and although she thought she had grown and changed, the truth was she was still the same person. I think the appropriate consequence should have been either: a) Not get back together with her, or b) somehow relay to her that she needs to prove herself. Even in the case of b), it sounds too much like a game.

 

I'm certainly proud of the way I can love. I know I have the ability. But I get just as frustrated as the rest when the people we love do not fully reciprocate.

[GreenPolicy]

I'm certainly proud of the way I can love. I know I have the ability. But I get just as frustrated as the rest when the people we love do not fully reciprocate.

 

I wondered for a long time if my ex really loved me. I know now that she did, but her capacity to love isn't as great as mine. I suspect that is the case with all of our exes.

[TryTryAgain]

I wondered for a long time if my ex really loved me.

 

You know, the hell of it is when my ex and I had our falling out at the end of January, I asked her, "Have you ever allowed yourself to truly love anyone?" She point blank told me, "No, I haven't." That really stung deep because when I first told her I loved her, her response was about as passionate as it gets..."I'm so IN LOVE with you." Talk about a mind-f**k.

[GreenPolicy]

You know, the hell of it is when my ex and I had our falling out at the end of January, I asked her, "Have you ever allowed yourself to truly love anyone?" She point blank told me, "No, I haven't." That really stung deep because when I first told her I loved her, her response was about as passionate as it gets..."I'm so IN LOVE with you." Talk about a mind-f**k.

 

Love is more than feelings and emotions, it is a day to day commitment to another person. Feelings wax and wane, ebb and flow, but once you get past the honeymoon stage, it is as much dedication and commitment as it is feelings. Feelings are necessary, but they are not everything. Love by its very nature is the ability to see past fault. When you're in the honeymoon stage, it's cute that he leaves the toilet seat up or doesn't put the cap back on the tube of toothpaste. It's sweet that she sends you texts you constantly. But once that wears off and you see that person for who they really are, you either accept them or you don't. You make a commitment to love them despite their faults or you don't.

 

In the case of our exes, they can do the short-term emotional expression, but once they've had you, or at least the first 80 percent of you, they're done. It's a shame that they don't realize that committed love is so much deeper than the passion of romantic love when you first fall in love with a person. Our exes DID love us, but their capacity for love is just not as great as ours.

[1784]

I think what it comes down to, and this is something that runs pretty deep in everyone, is what is your definition of love? How much are you willing to give? How much are you willing to compromise? How far are you willing to go?

 

This is something that isn't usually talked about. I now realize how important it truly is. My ex's definition of love was that she should never have to give up on anything she wanted. It's understandable, I guess, but when you are with another person you're always going to have to compromise. Always. It's not just YOU anymore. It's 'us'. I gave a lot in my relationship with her. I'm not even sure if she realized this at all.

[Fufu]

Love is more than feelings and emotions, it is a day to day commitment to another person. Feelings wax and wane, ebb and flow, but once you get past the honeymoon stage, it is as much dedication and commitment as it is feelings. Feelings are necessary, but they are not everything. Love by its very nature is the ability to see past fault. When you're in the honeymoon stage, it's cute that he leaves the toilet seat up or doesn't put the cap back on the tube of toothpaste. It's sweet that she sends you texts you constantly. But once that wears off and you see that person for who they really are, you either accept them or you don't. You make a commitment to love them despite their faults or you don't.

 

In the case of our exes, they can do the short-term emotional expression, but once they've had you, or at least the first 80 percent of you, they're done. It's a shame that they don't realize that committed love is so much deeper than the passion of romantic love when you first fall in love with a person. Our exes DID love us, but their capacity for love is just not as great as ours.

I completely agree with you GreenPolicy

[silvermane187]

I think you handled yourself very well 1784. As an outsider I just want to point out what I think is the most important part of your situation. The level of selfishness for dumping you for that situation is beyond words. I know you still love this girl and hope things work out eventually, but do you really want to be with someone who chooses their own insignificant temporary problem over you being with your ill mother? Before any hope of a second chance becomes a reality she will have to whole heartidly admit that fact to you and apologize for all she put you through. IMO if she tries to contact you again you have to confront her with this sooner rather than later. If she can't accept the fact that she was 100% in the wrong than it's not worth the effort and future heartache of delaying your healing...

 

I'm sure you know this but maybe hearing it from someone else might help it stick out in your mind. Good luck.

[1784]

It does help, silvermane187. It really does. I do know this. Well, I mean I KNOW it but I don't think I've really FELT it until recently. All this time I've felt like I've been catering to her. Somehow blaming myself, forgiving her, making excuses for her, etc. I was still trying to be good enough for HER when in reality she hasn't been good enough for me. I'm trying to implement this way of thinking. I'm tired of being weighed and measured. Tired of feeling judged. Tired of feeling like I'm not good enough. It's time she started to feel the pressure of losing ME for good.

[Graceful]

I heard my name and the words "raw nerve" so I knew someone was talking about me.

 

I've heard that quite a bit around here, it's what I do. But I also get many PM's in my message box thanking me for hitting that nerve because it shakes up the mix, helps get rid of the rose-colored glasses and get into a new line of thinking.

 

@TryTry (et al)

 

But nonetheless, I really am sorry if my word(s) hurt you, as that is something I do not want to do. If you read my posts enough around here, you will know that is the last thing I want to do. So please accept my apology for hurting you.

 

Try, with that said ... this board is also an opportunity for you to grow. I'm not perfect and I don't pick the perfect wording for every person or every post. But it's also incumbent on you to take a step back and not take things too personally, and / or, remember this is the wild wild west of the internet, so we have to cut one another some slack. You know, we're all different. To me, the word "horrible" is just another word. And frankly, if someone had told me that my ex was a "horrible" match for me during my breakup, I probably would have laughed and agreed through my tears and said, "DUH!" or some such thing. (he was, when I look back on it).

 

Furthermore, coming from me for clarity sake, it was not a criticism of you, or even of her, I was saying that together, the mix wasn't working at all.

 

I responded to your thread and went back to take a look at it, and I tell you, I saw you going down in flames during that thread. It was hard to read. The day your ex passed papers on her house and all you wanted to do was have her call you to share the excitement, and for her not to care to call you, it was just devastating. Do you know how I know? Because I am JUST LIKE YOU. I love to share happy moments and say "congrats!" and be included in a moment of joy. And when your ex was stressed, instead of knowing you were there for a support system, what did she do? She pushed you away. That hurt you and it hurt to read. Know why. Because I am the SAME WAY. It would really hurt me if someone made me feel useless and purposeless when all I wanted to do was be a supportive friend.

 

So all I said in that post then (which I stand behind if you want to go over to your thread and read it) is that your core values, and your core needs, and your core nature does not mesh well at all with your ex. If she really wanted to work on communicating with you, and see a counselor with you, could you make it work? That would be the only way you could really give it a shot. Because she would have to "learn" to let you in, and you might have to learn to back off and let her have space ... or whatever. Bottom line: she would have to really want to try to make those changes. And she doesn't.

 

Goes back to basic nature. Can you change and become hard and independent and uncaring. Nope. And if you tried to be that way FOR HER -- disaster waiting to happen. That's like walking on eggshells and can never last.

 

So honey, please see my comments in the spirit in which they are given to you, even if I use a word that makes you wince. Okay? Because I really want the best for you, and seventeen, and Green, and Ajax and any one else that wants to extend kind, caring expressions of love to someone and have them returned.

 

I call them like I see them around here. Maybe I use hyperbole (yeah, right. maybe? ha ha, I do use it) once in a while to make a point, so just know if it's coming from me, the intent will always be to help, always. Please don't be upset with me.

 

 

Yeah, that post above struck a nerve. You're right, it happens. It comes with the territory.

 

And all of your points are well-taken.

 

I think I'm just having a really bad day. I had a horrible weekend thinking about my ex and it spilled over into today.

 

Don't worry, man. I'm here for you and will continue to be.

[silvermane187]

It does help, silvermane187. It really does. I do know this. Well, I mean I KNOW it but I don't think I've really FELT it until recently. All this time I've felt like I've been catering to her. Somehow blaming myself, forgiving her, making excuses for her, etc. I was still trying to be good enough for HER when in reality she hasn't been good enough for me. I'm trying to implement this way of thinking. I'm tired of being weighed and measured. Tired of feeling judged. Tired of feeling like I'm not good enough. It's time she started to feel the pressure of losing ME for good.

 

I know exactly what you're talking about. While I've been trying to convince myself my ex was in the wrong for not even trying to work things out I can't help but blame myself sometimes. You just have to keep repeating the facts to yourself. You were willing to work it out. You were willing to do anythign resonable for her. You would have done anything to support her if the situations were reversed. You have to feel the anger and resentment, process it willingly, if you ever want to forgive her. You're doing very good at becoming more self aware.

 

My ex and I broke up for a day and got back together once. I never had the chance processed the anger and resentment and dissapointment. It all stayed under the surface and played a part in her dumping for me good a few months later. I still love this girl. My biggest regret is the fact I took her back so easily when I should have had the strength and emotional intelligence to know that a relationship with underlying issues like that was doomed the moment I took her back. If she shows up at your door crying and saying she will take you back, like my ex did after the first time she dumped me, you have to be able to look her in the eyes and say you can't do that until the trust you had in her is regained. I wish I had that kind of strength at the time. Maybe after a few months apart we could have worked things out. Either way it's over now. The difference is I have my own regrets for handling the situation so poorly. You should be proud of how you are carrying yourself.

 

Now who knows what will happen, but take solice in the fact you are infinitly more prepared to face anything that happens with her than you would be without people here giving you advice.

Edited April 12, 2011 by silvermane187

[1784]

Thanks, silvermane. You're right. Having everyone at LS to compare notes with, take advice from, look in at, relate to, etc. It all helps. I'm trying to handle this situation like a rational adult. I'm trying to make the smartest decisions possible. When the heart is involved that's not always the easiest thing to do. Sometimes I wish my last name was Spock, what can I say. The heart really flubs things up sometimes. It makes you act irrationally. I feel like it can turn you into a temperamental child, crying out in desperation, saying anything and everything to get your way. That's what I'm trying not to be like and haven't.

 

In the past I may have acted more desperate. GONE FOR IT. This time around I'm really trying to make the best decisions for myself, in the now and for the future. I'm almost looking at it from the outside in. I realize that when I give other people advice it comes across very well. It makes sense. I'd listen to me - lol. But then when I analyze my own situation I'm all over the board. Not trusting my own feelings, thoughts, observations, etc. So, I'm going to try and approach this thing from a bit of a distance for a bit. See how that goes. LISTEN to myself. Think logically. So what does logic tell me?

 

I can't operate from 'this' state of mind any longer. I need to live my life. I can't wait on her. Whatever she is going through is her business. I can not change it any more than she can change what I'm going through. People like to think that getting the ex back is the panacea. It's not. All of the same problems will still remain. If my ex were to come through my door tonight and beg for my back I would not do so, not right away. I wouldn't throw her out, mind you. I would just say "Here are the things we need to work on and establish before we can go back into any sort of relationship with one another". And if we couldn't get through all of those things then I wouldn't agree to start dating her again. I'm tired of being the one to try. I'm tired of being the only one who's willing to go 10 miles when she will only go 1. It's not right and will never be enough for me. I'm tired of catering to her when she doesn't cater to me. It's supposed to be a 2 way street. When things get tough... you want your LOVE there. Ya know, when everyone else leaves. She's still there. Why? Because that's part of what love is to me. TO ME. If it isn't to her then that's fine for her. It's all in the marriage vows. Those people weren't stupid. They knew there'd be tough times. They knew it enough to put it in the f'n wedding vows.

 

I, ____, take you, ____, to be my (husband/wife). I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. I, ____, take you, ____, for my lawful (husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

 

Well, I was willing to agree to this wit her in the not so distant future. Apparently they were just words to her. So until I hear or feel differently then I have to work on me.

Edited April 12, 2011 by 1784

[Ajax]

I realize that when I give other people advice it comes across very well. It makes sense. I'd listen to me - lol. But then when I analyze my own situation I'm all over the board. Not trusting my own feelings, thoughts, observations, etc..

 

 

I think we all need to start taking our own advice. It's not easy though. I think whe we're looking at each other, even if our situations are similar, wecan be objective. Then when we look at our own situation we think... "what if this is an exception?" And that's normal too. When it's ourselves our emotions come into play. And even Spock could be emotionally compromised.

[1784]

Yeah, I guess every situation is pretty unique. I mean, not THAT unique. You start reading stories on here and more often than not you say to yourself "That's just like MY situation!". In one way we're all in our own little battles but in another way I guess you could look at us all as a bulk study. It's pretty interesting. You're right, though, I read all of these posts and I often think "Well my situation is a little different. Maybe my ex is the exception". Maybe. Maybe not.

 

I have to say, I'm really at odds with my own situation. I feel differently about it all day long as you can probably tell from my posts on this thread. One minute I'm quite sad and miss her. The next minute I'm angry that she threw in the towel for the reason(s) that she did. Then I feel okay. Then I feel sad again. Then I wonder if she's going to contact me again. Then I think "It shouldn't matter if she contacts you". Then I think if she were to contact me would I even want to deal with that, what it would inevitably bring with it (stress and decisions). I know what you're all going to say here, "It sounds like you're not ready. Work on yourself". I'm utterly confused. I do know she misses me. I do know this has been very hard for her. How? She has told me a number of times in one way or another (email, phone, text). I know I need to just wait it out. It's just very difficult. I love her. I know that doesn't mean I should be with her but I do love her. It's like a friend of mine told me, "1784, we love them all in one way or another. And they love us".

 

I could use some perspective this evening. So if anyone is up for it please chime in here. I'm feeling neither here nor there. I don't even know what to think anymore. I think I'm driving myself a little batty. I will tell you this, though - when we first broke up I was a lot more sad then I am now. Now I'm just at odds with what to do. I'm more able to function hour to hour but this overall uneasiness is still there. I'm sure it's normal but it sure doesn't feel very good.

[1784]

Tumbleweeds.... rolling, rolling, rolling along.

[robinseggblue]

Good Evening to everyone. I would like to say that I think this thread is one of the best I have read here on LS. I glean very useful information from it each and every day. I know others are thinking it too, but I just felt like saying it. Congratulations to everyone who has posted-you have all helped a lot of people (many more than just the ones who have posted, I am quite sure)

 

 

I am in fact seeing a psychologist about my issues with my ex and his advice thus far has been the complete opposite of what others say on here. He actually suggested that I continue to hold out hope for yet another reconciliation with my ex! Can you believe that?...And this wise-guy's advice cost me a $40 co-pay!

 

Wise guy- Thought I would offer an explanation for your psychologist's seemingly odd advice, considering the fact that you expressed your interest in "moving on" to him. Psychologists (as we all know) spend years in training to get their accreditation. Years of memorizing famous theorists ideas, mathematical quantification for psych, brain biology & chemistry & physiology, and then in the later years begin to study methodology for treatment of patients. You can bet that, included in this methodology, are

teachings related to "information extraction and analysis" relating to patient interviews.

 

People don't always (or can't) express (even to psychologists) what they are really feeling. Sometimes their subconcious is hidden even to their own concious mind. If a patient says "I think it's better if I move on", it doesn't necessarily mean that they want to move on, or feel they should move on. Their subconcious may be telling them just the opposite, in fact. For this reason, psychologists "probe" patients in a manner that sort of manipulates the patient a bit.

 

By suggesting to TryTryAgain that holding out hope for a reconciliation might be a good idea, he (or she) was likely "probing". TryTryAgain's subconcious could have perceived a note of support from the psychologist at this point resulting in him responding with "You know I think you're right, I really feel like giving it another shot is the right thing to do." (For ex. TryTryAgain might have been too shy or embarrassed deep down -for a number of reasons-to admit that he felt this way)

 

OR

 

if TryTryAgain's subconcious really was in tune with what he was saying, the psychologist's proposal may have met with resistance and TryTryAgain's response would be more likely to be at odds with it. Eg. "No, I told you that it's a terrible idea and it would certainly be a mistake."

 

Subsequently, depending on the patient's response, the psychologist analyzes and proceeds accordingly...

 

In reality, people rarely say things for "no reason". Thoughts are really just chemicals joining and nerves making connections. When someone says something, a thought has preceded that verbiage, and another thought preceded that thought and so on....This is why to me, analysis is so interesting. There really is an answer to everything. The question is, is the work of figuring out what the correct answer is (sometime a long and arduous process) worth it?

 

That aside, I wanted to address your question, 1784, about whether it was "too easy" or "too soon" to see her. I think that depends upon what you were trying to achieve. As I said previously, I think 1 month is way too soon to hope for reconciliation. It's just not good for either of you. After 1 month, a person has not had enough time to weigh the pros and cons, and then let the weight of that decision take effect on themselves. Either person. Happily, I think, if the two involved are truly in deep love with each other, they will feel the consequences of this choice as negative. But the time period that this requires to take effect varies with everyone. (As you no doubt have learned here on LS)

 

If the dumper is dumping because they feel insecure with the relationship (due to cheating or whatever), then pulling away from them is not likely a wise decision. Those dumpers probably need to regain trust etc. a bit at a time. A slow consistent approach with regards to attention from the dumpee seems likely to be the best approach. However in a situation such as yours, where you say that you were very clear about being excited and happy to move in with her, I don't think it is suggestive of her feeling dubious about your loyalty to her (your mother's situation included). Your ex is comparative to a child who cries because they can't go down the slide at the park one last time. You know as the parent, that you've explained that you have very important matters at home to attend to, and that you've told your child that there will be many days in the future that they can go down the slide a hundred more times, but the child can only see their side of things for the time being. The correct response would not be to give in to the child (which of course you did not). Sometimes, a very effective approach (that you've likely seen parents implement) is to say to the child, "Well stay if you like, but I have to go now" as the child witnesses the parent turn around and start walking away. What usually happens then? It takes some children longer, but I think that by the time most parents start the car and begin to drive away, most children, if they haven't already reconsidered, will do so then and begin to run after the car. (I realize that most parents don't go that far, but I'm exaggerating for effect here.)

 

So in answer again to your question-No, you did not make a mistake having dinner with her, as long as at some point you begin to drive that car away. The dinner, I think, was good for you. You left her on a high note, she will have only pleasant memories of that night. You tried your hardest right until the end. You will not have regrets. That is really really great. But now you must get in the car and go. It is vital. You can call it "game playing" if you like. I understand why you do so-because it's not what you really want to do or feel inside like doing. But you must do it. Call it by any name you want, but it's necessary. Parents don't love their chidren any less because they're "pretending" to drive away and are scaring their children in the process. They just know that it works. And it's for the better for both the parent and the child.

 

I hope I don't sound harsh again. I'm just trying to help to see it from a perspective that I know from experience, is hard at your stage in the game. You are still wrestling with doubts, the same ones I did. You are scared to get in the car, as you said, because you think that "all it will take is for her to see that you are alright, to move on for good." When, honestly, I think in your situation, it's just the opposite. The car rolling away is something she has not yet seen, and may just be the key.

[1784]

You are scared to get in the car, as you said, because you think that "all it will take is for her to see that you are alright, to move on for good." When, honestly, I think in your situation, it's just the opposite. The car rolling away is something she has not yet seen, and may just be the key.

 

You are so right, robinseggblue, as always. I am scared to get in the car and start moving. Deathly scared. I feel like I have no idea what her reaction will be when I start to go. I get your point, of course, but she is not a child and she's also quite stubborn. I fear that she'll see the car pulling away and say "Alright. Well, I know the way home. I'll get there myself... without HIM". It's just a fear. I know I really have no choice in the matter. I do have to get in the car without her regardless of the consequences. I mean, she's already told me to drive off without her. Maybe she's seeing if I'll really go

 

One thing is for sure, she definitely needs to feel what it's like to not have me there. Not just for a month. Not just in her bed. Not just when she needs me. All the time, for a while. I think only then will she really ever realize what she gave up. Who knows? It may not matter. But I can't see her not missing 'us'. I just can't. It's not like I cheated on her. It's not like I strayed in any way. We got along well. Sure, we had some issues but who doesn't? Anyway, we'll see. Long story short is.... you are right.

 

Thank you for responding. I love your responses. They're always so well thought out and intelligent. This thread, even though it is about my sad situation (lol) does kinda rock. All of you have made it so.

[robinseggblue]

You know, I don't know anything about your ex girlfriend firsthand, but really, just from the quality of your thoughfulness about each and every post you write, your consideration for other posters, your appreciation, that you do not ever hesitate to make known---just from this, (and what I would assume would carry forward with it to your "in person" presence) it really seems to me that she is making a mistake. And if there is not some outrageously weird or intolerable characteristic that you posess, that you are not making known to us, I think that this is going to work out for you in the end. Your combination of thoughtfulness, consideration, love for her, rationality, strength, desire to make this work and do what's best---is a winning combination in any venture. This fact is glaringly obvious to me, and probably everyone else reading this thread. Except (right now) for you.

 

You may be thinking "well if only she would think so highly of me", but that is what the time alone is for. For her to realize your worth. For her to realize the size of her loss. In your case, it's all there. She would have to be very unintelligent to not realize it. It's just a matter of how long it takes her to do so. And what happens or doesn't happen in between.

 

You now see that it should be her job to win you back. Not only do you "see" it but you "feel" it too. It is so wonderful that you have realized this, so early on in the game. I could be mistaken, but I don't think people's thoughts are usually so clear after one month. Maybe you are moving right along, because of this thread, and everyone's amazing insight and help. I dunno. But I think you should be a mascot for dumpees.

[1784]

But I think you should be a mascot for dumpees.

 

That's kind of a dubious honor, no? Haha. Thanks for all the kind words. I do happen to think I'm a pretty good catch. I always have. I have no idea what my ex is looking for/missing/etc. Maybe she's just at a point where she's taken me for granted? Sometimes when you have 9 out of 10 things you get it in your head that that 10th thing is REALLY important. So you look for it elsewhere. And then you realize that those 9 things were pretty f'n good. You were lucky to have them. Maybe that's what has to happen. I dunno.

 

It's a pretty weird situation in some ways and pretty typical in other ways. We agreed many times that when it comes to the "big stuff" (morals, likes, dislikes, standards, goals, family, etc) we're on the same page and always have been. Our sex life has always been absolutely tremendous. That never waned. But when it comes to the day to day stuff, like how easy going I tend to be and how time on task she tends to be... there's a little bit of an issue there. Personally I don't think it's something we can't get over but maybe she does. I have no clue. That's why we were going to move in together. To ensure that this would all work. Like I said 5 billion times, I wanted to do this. It was as important for me as it was for her. I just didn't think waiting a few months would hurt anyone. I know she'll be THIRTY this year but a few months isn't going to kill any plans of ours. She just can't take being said no to. And then she "builds a case" in her head to justify her actions.

 

Sure, things weren't perfect. My family is less than 'normal'. But I don't expose her to them. I always hoped that I was good enough. So there's that. Once again, this doesn't fit into her fairytale. You have to understand how important this fairytale thing is to her. I can't even tell you how many times she's used the word with me. I think this aspect of her personality is not based in reality and I think if she doesn't adjust it soon she's going to wind up sorely disappointed no matter who she ends up with.

 

But honestly, other than some stuff with my family (or lack thereof) there really wan't much that she could criticize. Yes, I was out of work for a while. So were a LOT of people in this country. And if we were together or had a family don't you think I would have done anything to get a job the very next day after being laid off? But we weren't in that position. I could depend on unemployment and afford to be picky. And you know what? I could have taken a lot of positions for less money along the way. I didn't. And now I'm making more than I was before I got laid off. All she did for most of the duration of my unemployment was make me feel like garbage.

 

Other than me not moving in with her (because of my mom) and my time on unemployment (sh*t happens), there really weren't any other tangible problems. She wished we spent more time together and I was willing to try and do that; but like I said, we live an hour away from one another so it wasn't always the easiest thing to do in the world.

 

Basically she wants it all. She wants perfection. I thought we had a pretty good thing going. Like I said, it wasn't perfect but we had a lot of really great stuff in our relationship. If she wants to throw that away then that's her decision. I think she'll come to realize that she had a lot more than she thought. But it's not my job to tell her that. It's her job to realize it herself. Do I think she made a mistake? I guess. It's hard to call it a mistake if she just doesn't want it (me). I just think she got a little spoiled. And as I've said, if anything gets in the way (even temporarily) of her fairytale then she bugs out. Panics.

 

But yes, ultimately it is now her job to win me back. To convince me that we are meant for one another and that she has my back the same way I always had hers. I need to know that. It's vitally important. Until then... it's just me.

Edited April 13, 2011 by 1784

[Leda]

"We can't live in your apartment right now, we need to sublet it and move into a place together very near my mother, so we can be as close to her as possible while she's sick....let's discuss the options and make a plan" is so different from, "I have to postpone moving in with you while my mother is sick."

 

I don't know which way your conversation went down. The latter might be a dealbreaker for me, so that I could start to heal and eventually be ready to connect with a guy who could not imagine not sharing a home and a bed together, and having me to come home to every night, at one of the roughest times in his life. If the logistics didn't work out--because job or money situations made it impossible and we had to live an hour away, and after really putting our heads together to try to solve that, we couldn't....then sure, together we'd endure some time living apart.

 

I don't know whether she had issues with not spending enough time together before your mother became ill. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that she did? Because it sounds like you see her not wanting to come home to an empty apartment as childlike, when for some people, sharing and merging lives is an essential component of the next step in a committed relationship, and living separately is undesirable. It's understandable if, after hours of detailed and agonizing discussion, the two of you ended up in a situation where you both had to make the miserable sacrifice to be apart for a bit while you tended your sick mother. Quite another if you view living separately for a few months as no big deal. It isn't about future plans, it's about daily life in the present.

 

This girl didn't want to break up with you, she wanted to move in with you! I'm delurking to offer an alternative perspective to the whole "she failed you....she should prove to you she's changed...she's like a child who should be taught a lesson be being abandoned in the playground" thing, since it seems like you love her and want to see if things could work. You want her to feel the loss of you, but it's possible that she was feeling that loss before she actually ended it....that what seems to you like her wanting a fairy tale, abandoning you in your time of need, and being too selfish to handle anyone saying "no" to her, feels to her like a truer, deeper rejection--you not wanting, needing, or fighting for the level of togetherness that she craves, that constitutes a real relationship to her. Just a possibility.

 

I think as long as I remain in control of the situation, deciding what I want instead of going along with she wants, I'll be fine. That's the key. No settling. Compromise is one thing but doing what I don't want to do and/or am not ready for is another.

 

 

You wrote this in another thread. But I don't know if you've tried compromise yet.

Edited April 13, 2011 by Leda

[silvermane187]

Intersting perspective Leda. I don't mean to come across as 1784's defender, and I don't know many details, but the way I see it is it's a 2 way street. If she was so desperate to move in with him that she would sublet her apartment and move closer to him for a few months while he cared for his mother she could have done it. I'm sure if she came to him and said "I'm subletting my apartment so I can live with you closer to your mother in her hour of need" he would have been more than fine with it. She chose to end it instead. When your mother is sick like that you shouldn't have to worry about your girlfriend leaving you because she can't live alone for a couple months. There are very few things in life that come before a loving relationship, and being by your familys side when they need you is one of them. Clearly she valued the situation differently.

[Leda]

If she was so desperate to move in with him that she would sublet her apartment and move closer to him for a few months while he cared for his mother she could have done it.

 

Why wasn't he "desperate" to have her move in with him in his time of need?

[TryTryAgain]

The latter might be a dealbreaker for me

 

Very interesting, indeed. I think you're the first person on this thread who has actually sympathized with 1784's ex. I personally just don't see it. 1784's mother has cancer that has turned for the worst. We're not talking about her having the common cold here.

 

and after really putting our heads together to try to solve that, we couldn't....then sure, together we'd endure some time living apart.

 

Unless I'm mistaken, 1784 never had the opportunity to even get to a point of "putting their heads together." She quit. She broke up with him. That was her solution.

[1784]

@Leda

 

Firstly, I'd like to thank you for your alternative perspective. It is valid and makes me think. I'll explain myself better so that you better understand the situation and then you can comment on it.

 

Yes, I think I probably made it more about "me" than us when I told her that I thought it best to delay the move. That I needed to stay near my mom. But WE did talk about moving in together closer to my mom. This was something that I was willing to consider. I thought she was willing to consider it too. Why not? It makes perfect sense. But SHE, after a brief discussion with her mom, decided that she did not want to move to my area. She just simply did not want to do it. She wanted to stay in hers, an hour away. I was willing to compromise. She was not. She chose lifestyle over me. Her neighborhood is a little more hip and happening. She has friends there. She didn't want to leave that. So, what was I left with? Either I move in with her or I don't. My other compromise was that I try and be there for her more often during the week so that she wasn't so alone. She either didn't believe I would or just didn't think it was enough. She seemed to think I couldn't be there for my mom and her at the same time.

 

And as far as "dealbreakers" go... postponing a move in with her because my mom has terminal cancer does not seem like something to put under that category. Cheating? Perhaps. Telling her I'm not emotionally ready to live with her? Perhaps. Flat out saying I don't want this? Of course. But my reason for not moving in with her as scheduled was out of complete necessity. I can't help it if it's her way or the highway. I couldn't possibly make up a better 'excuse' to not move in. You think it didn't suck to tell her? You think it didn't hurt me? It killed me to have to tell her that. This didn't seem like a dealbreaker, though. This seemed like an opportunity for her to tell me "You know what? I love you. I'm there for you. No matter what. Your mom is a priority and I know that. Let's do what we can for her". She did not do this. She was thinking of her own best interests. I mean, am I wrong? Please. Let's call a spade a spade here.

 

All In all, she ultimately wanted to spend more time with me and have us move on to the next step of our relationship. And that's all I wanted too. In retrospect I wish I had spent MORE time with her when it was easier to do so. I mean, I wanted to marry the girl after all.

 

As far as you saying,

 

"Because it sounds like you see her not wanting to come home to an empty apartment as childlike, when for some people, sharing and merging lives is an essential component of the next step in a committed relationship, and living separately is undesirable"

 

... I don't see the connection between the two at all. I do see sharing and merging lives as an essential component of the next step in a committed relationship. Of course I do. I WANTED to be with her. But any adult should be able to live alone without completely falling apart. We're not children and should not need constant hand holding in order to take care of ourselves. I'm sorry but I don't see the connection you're trying to make here. You're taking two things and making one dependent upon the other.

 

In the end she did fail me. I'm not an all or nothing type of person. I wanted to come to a compromise. I still think I would consider coming to a compromise. I do still love her and would love to find out if things could work out.

 

Honestly, I'm amazed at the things you assume in your post. What you quoted at the end there was taken out of context. That is a conclusion I came to AFTER we had already been broken up. I'm always willing to compromise. That at this point I shouldn't compromise myself just to be back with her. That I need to realize what I need to heal and not just jump back into something that will cause the same grief all over again.

 

Like I said, I do appreciate the other side of this argument. I do. But I think you really assumed a lot before actually knowing what happened and you formed a whole theory based upon it.

[1784]

Why wasn't he "desperate" to have her move in with him in his time of need?

 

My apartment is tiny. Like I said, I would have definitely looked into moving into a NEW apartment with her near my mom.

 

Wow, you really are taking her side, aren't you? Maybe you are her or know her? lol

[TryTryAgain]

Maybe you are her or know her?

 

LOL! I was thinking the same thing!

 

I'm hoping that perhaps Leda just didn't really take the time to fully understand the situation before forming these theories. Having said that, it may just also be that Leda and your ex are truly on the same wavelength.