Houston, We Have Contact

[SoulFinger]

Hi 1784,

 

I have been following your thread all the whole way through and I agree with your last post.You should do all that.We are here to heal ourselves and get some help along our road to recovery. You said you are not shutting the door on your Ex which is good but at the same time you need to think about number Uno and that's you 1781.

 

So stay strong my friend you keep telling yourself that and do the things that make sense.

[MissBennett]

I kinda feel like I dont have a right to post a congratulations before your regular posters but then I did kinda hijack your thread just before by taking it off on a tangent ...

 

so I'm going to anyway:

 

*CLAPS*

 

congrats on getting to the point you're at. that, my friend, is the 'click' moment.

what's that saying? 'nobody can hurt you without your permission'

 

good job on making it to the signpost! onwards and upwards from here

[1784]

@ SoulFinger

 

Thank you. Maybe people have different definitions of what 'shutting the door' means. What it means to me is that she still exists, she has free will, if she chooses to contact me then I will decide if it's something I'd entertain. She didn't kill my dog or anything. We have a lot of wonderful memories but this obviously is over. Could it be resurrected? I dunno. I'm not thinking that way anymore. I'd say I probably have a better chance at meeting someone new. But I'm also not going to pretend she's dead to me. If she showed up then I would entertain it. That's what I mean when I say the door isn't completely closed shut. But like I said, I'm not going to watch it any longer. If she knocks, she knocks. If she doesn't, I'll be looking elsewhere anyway. That's just the way it has to be.

 

@MissBennett - you didn't 'hijack' the thread. I'd never let you. LOL. Thanks for your claps. They're a little early in coming but I'll take them anyway. I think I'm finally arriving at a place that makes sense. Now I have to stick with it. Reinforce it. Live it. This is life on my terms and not hers. I used to really love considering her and what she wanted from 'us. Well there is no us anymore. She has her life and I have mine. I have to live like that. That's just the way it is.

[MissBennett]

ha ha - fair enough. was a bit presumptuous of me wasn't it?

 

No, not early - I like to celebrate the small victories.

 

you should see the celebrations for the big ones!!!!

 

all that aside I meant what I said before everyone, I'm curious

[TryTryAgain]

"False Hope" -- I had never even heard the term until college. These guys in my dorm were depressed about being rejected by girls and they all started spouting about "false hope." I always took it as being hopeful for something that either has already failed or would inevitably fail. But it was hope nonetheless.

 

I had "false hope" for years longing for my college sweetheart to fall back in love with me. After nearly a decade of living in a different city she did come back here and has tried to rekindle things on several occasions. Over that very long period of time, I got over her. So, the hope that I once had for us to be together ended up coming true, but it was negated by the fact that my feelings for her had changed, thus making it false.

 

1784 - I'm glad your head is more clear this morning. Might I ask, what are you planning to keep yourself occupied this weekend? Any big plans for you? I would say stay away from yard work.

[MissBennett]

Now I have to stick with it. Reinforce it. Live it. This is life on my terms and not hers.

 

Yes yes and Yes!!

[1784]

I don't really believe in False Hope. If you know it's false then it really isn't hope at all, is it? In order to truly have hope you have to believe in it. Here's a great quote from "Shawshank Redemption" that I'm sure many of you know (great movie):

 

"Remember, Red. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. I will be hoping that this letter finds you, and finds you well. Your friend, Andy."

 

The difference between me right now and me, well, lately, is that my hope was invested in her. I'm reinvesting it in myself. And if I do that, anything is possible. She walked away. That was her choice. That was what she ultimately wanted. I'm tired of excuses. Well if she... well if you... if this had... whatever. When you commit to someone you commit. Not just when things are peachy. It's when things get tough then separate you from every other person on the street. It's one of the reasons why I love you. Because you're there when no one isn't. Well, you chose to leave. That means your special person privileges have been revoked.

[1784]

@TryTryAgain

 

My plans for the weekend? Let's see... tonight I have a hockey game to watch. Rangers vs. Capitals, game 2. I'm a huge hockey fan so this is what I live for. Playoff hockey. If I was still with the ex I'm positive that I would miss several of these games. That's just how it went. While I tried to take interest in things that she enjoyed she did not do the same for me. Selfish yet again? Yes. Surprise surprise? No. She didn't even like to watch movies. Who doesn't like movies? Someone who feels that they aren't being productive for 2+ hours, that's who. Oh my God, I could be ACCOMPLISHING something and instead I'm sitting here with you in silence! What a travesty!

 

Tomorrow I have a bunch of errands to run in the morning, as I usually do. I want to clean up my apartment and perhaps make some improvements to it. Since I'm going to be living there longer than I expected to then I want to make it as comfortable as possible. I had been packing things away in order to move in with my ex in December. Since this is no longer an option it's time for me to get things in proper order and start living better.

 

In the afternoon I'm getting a haircut.

 

In the evening I'm going to spend some time with my mom, have dinner there, etc.

 

Sunday is kind of up in the air. It's supposed to be a fairly nice weekend here in NYC so I'll try to enjoy it as best I can. How about you?

 

Oh... and yeah... no yard work ; )

Edited April 15, 2011 by 1784

[TryTryAgain]

Well, I'm certainly glad to hear you have plans to keep you busy. I spent many weekends post-break couped up in my house, and I'm finally over that I think.

 

Hockey tonight should be fun! And good for you getting your apartment organized. That's always a nice feeling.

 

Me? Family is in town again. My father is being honored at his alma mater for a distinguished alumni award. My sister and I attended there as well, so we're all heading up to have dinner with faculty and staff at the university tomorrow. It's going to be fun. I'm really proud of him.

 

Other than that, maybe some skiing on Sunday. I live out west and we still have quite a lot of snow in the mountains. Can't beat a little spring skiing in the sun!

 

I find it so hard to just concentrate on what I want to do. It seems my mind gets stuck with what my ex and I could be doing. So, it's nice to hear that you have some things lined up that are for you, especially if they are things she didn't enjoy anyways (hockey). Keep your head up, dude.

[silvermane187]

I just want to say no matter how bad you feel during a low point, at least you're not a Leafs fan.

[1784]

The Leafs and the Rangers are the same... original 6 teams and hardly anything to show for it. Their histories are pathetic.

[silvermane187]

Well, the Leafs had a great history up until 1968. Since then the Rangers have had far more success. Those Messier years were classic. I haven't cheered for a playoff game in years...But I degress...

[1784]

@ TryTryAgain in reference to "I find it so hard to just concentrate on what I want to do. It seems my mind gets stuck with what my ex and I could be doing"

 

I don't know how to say this in a nice way. And I don't want to because you and I are in the same boat. There is no 'you and your ex'. There's just you. The same way I can't spend the weekend with my ex you can't either. It just isn't an option right now. It's kind of like wishing, over and over again, that you were on Saturn. You can think about it over and over. You can wish it. You can get depressed about it. But you simply aren't going there. So you can enjoy what you have or you can ponder what you don't.

 

I'm getting tired of sitting around thinking about what my ex is doing, what she will be doing, what she is thinking, what she is feeling, etc. The hardest thing for me to do is to get OUT of her head/life and into mine. Personally, I think you should do yard work. Do yard work and make it a point not to think about your ex. If she pops into your head have about 5 things prepared to think about instead of her (skiing, family, etc). I hate that she "ruined" yard work for you. F that, man. Go do yard work and free yourself from this mental prison. You'll feel empowered if you do. I promise.

[marqueemoon4]

The Leafs and the Rangers are the same... original 6 teams and hardly anything to show for it. Their histories are pathetic.

 

hey 94 was pretty great for the Rangers....

 

 

oh and,

 

LETS GO CAPS!!!

[GreenPolicy]

 

This sounds lovely. Tuck this thought into the back of your mind. You don't have to eradicate it fully do you?

 

I felt like I did as a part of my healing. I felt like as long as I indulged in reunion scenarios, I was holding myself back. And the reality is that I have no control over any possible reunion with her. Every day that passes and I don't hear from her, I have to assume that her desire to stay apart has not changed. I honestly believe in these kinds of situations it is the dumper's responsibility to walk things back, not the dumpee.

 

 

 

I think you'll find that tucking a pleasant thought into a small pocket of your brain takes little, if any energy.

 

For me, it felt like a way to avoid the pain. Sometimes we indulge in drugs and alcohol, or one-night stands, or casual flings, or indulge in hope, to avoid facing what we don't want to face: that they are gone, and it's not very likely that they will ever come back. I felt like I had to fully face the pain instead of maybe only 90 percent facing the pain.

 

Can you picture a scenario where she returns and completely changes your mind about all of this? I can think of a few.

 

Did you read my story? I think it's possible for my ex to grow and learn from her experiences, and become somebody who is a lot healthier and capable of committing to and sustaining a positive and healthy long-term relationship. I absolutely do believe that. I also think it's possible that she never seeks help for her issues and continues to repeat her unhealthy relationship habits, and maybe ends up with a guy who doesn't treat her right, and feels like she has to stay in that relationship because they have kids together. I can see things going either way for her. But even in the event that she grows from her experience, I think it's far more likely that she meets another good guy like me and decides "I f*cked things up with GreenPolicy, I'm not going to f*ck things up with my current beau now that I have a good guy in my life again."

 

I had a few people tell me that this isn't the last chapter between us, but I think they are projecting their experiences onto mine. I had one guy tell me that she will eventually let me know that she screwed up by giving up on the greatest guy she had up to that point in her life. I had another guy tell me that there is a good chance, at least fifty percent, that in the next 3-5 years that she will resurface, telling me how sorry she is, how badly she feels about hurting me, and don't make the same mistake that he did and assume she wants to resume festivities, even if she's holding the door to her place open while she tells me this. He said if they're crazy with you once, then they will be crazy with you again. His advice was that it may never happen, but if it does, to simply say "Yes, you did handle things badly, but thank you for apologizing" and end the conversation.

 

Based on my story, what makes you think that this person would ever want to rekindle things with me? Even though it's only been six months, I force myself to think of her as already married with kids and forever closed off as an option. I do that to heal...because if there is going to be a second chance down the road, I have to be healed in order for that second chance to work. And in the meantime, I feel it is best to assume this is permanent and I need to find love somewhere else.

 

When I told people my story, they got angry at her, and said that in my shoes that they would have kept her bike when she came back for it, or told her what's what and adopted a scorched earth policy with her. Thing is, I loved this girl deeply. If I had begged and pleaded and groveled to get back with her, texted/called 30 times a day and not left her alone, and made myself look psycho and pathetic in the process, then the lesson she learns from this experience is that she was so right to get out of it and I showed my true colors. If I had gotten hateful or spiteful in response to her doing this, then the lesson she learns is that I'm an a-hole and she was so right to get out of it. By respecting and accepting her decision, even though I didn't agree with it, by being the guy who treated her better than any guy she ever dated, and she walked away from a relationship that she on many occasions described as the best thing that ever happened to her, and when she thinks of me, she remembers the guy I was in the relationship and not some psycho a-hole who went nuts when she dumped her, then what lesson does she learn? I didn't do anything to relieve any guilt she might have, so you could interpret that as revenge in a way, by being the bigger person, and also as an act of tough love by forcing her to live with her decision and not let herself off the hook by making the typical dumpee mistakes.

Edited April 15, 2011 by GreenPolicy

[1784]

It's very easy to give advice on these boards because we don't know the person's ex. All we know is what the poster has told us. Sometimes we forget that these "ex's" are actual people and not the devil incarnate. We don't feel for other people's exes (very often). We feel for the poster. What we all have to remember is that we all chose these exes for a reason. And more often than not we loved them. That's why it's all so hard or none of us would be here. Sometimes we all need to consider this when posting advice, myself included. We want the best for our LSers but we have to acknowledge that the exes are human too.

[1784]

Hello All,

 

I think a necessary part in any breakup is to acknowledge that while your ex may have dome some things that led to the eventual demise of your relationship, no one is perfect, not even you. I've spent a lot of time putting my feelings down for you all to read, ponder, comment on, etc. A lot of those feelings have been about my ex and the shortcomings that I believe led to the end of us. As part of my own healing process I'm going to sit here and write about some of the things about me that were less than perfect, mostly for my own sake (and hopefully yours) so that I can see some of the things that i can work on going forward. So here goes nothing...

 

My Time. Yes, she lives an hour away but I am an only child and my time has always been my own. I am a product of a broken home and growing up I had to do a lot of things independently. I started cooking at an early age, kept myself entertained, worried about school, sports, etc, all with a lot less help than a lot of my friends seemed to have. That being said, I think while I am a very giving person I also have the tendency to go it alone some of the time. For example, my car was totaled. What did I do? I went and got a new car without her. She thought this was selfish of me not to consult her. I did have her in mind when I bought the car, mind you (I always drove stick shift. She did not. So I bought an automatic so that we could both use it. It was a used car.) But I should have included her in the buying process, It would have meant something to her on a few different levels. I like to get things done... fast. I needed a new car and I bought one. I'm not apologizing for it but I do acknowledge that these things, when you are in a relationship, affect more than one person. This is something I need to work on. I need to be honest about my time and how it equals "our time" when I'm in a loving relationship.

 

Sharing My Wants. At the beginning of the relationship I was a lot more forthcoming about what I wanted, how I felt, what I disagreed with, etc. I am a pretty agreeable person. She is less so. I can be somewhat of a crowd pleaser. She is not this way. As time went on I found it much easier to agree with her rather than bicker. Little decisions don't mean a lot to me (what to have for dinner, what to watch on television, etc). These are things that she has opinions on all the time. So what did I do? I let her have what she wanted. It was easier but not fair to either of us. Now I will give you this- she would ask me, "what do you want for dinner". I'd make suggestions and she would tell me what she wouldn't want. so we'd just wind up having what she wanted anyway. My thought on this was "well why don't YOU just decide if you're going to disagree with my suggestions anyway". I hope you can understand how I came to that. But still, it's not fair for me to hide my feelings, to either one of us. She wanted my input. It's what makes a relationship about two people instead of just one. I can understand her interpreting my nonchalance as not caring. I just wanted to make her happy but indifference is not giving yourself to a person. it's just having them do what they would do if you weren't there to voice an opinion. I should have been more vocal.

 

My Family. They are a small family and we're not all that close (no siblings). I'm not very much like them as I've chosen my own path in life (aside from my mom). I kept them to myself and didn't really include her (not that I included myself either). She wanted to know them more than she had the chance to. She thought that by getting to know them that she'd know me. I guess I really didn't love this idea. I figured if I didn't spend time with them then why should she? She saw this as me hiding myself from her. I thought I was giving her what I thought was 'me'. I didn't want to be judged because of them. I felt like she was always judging me. In retrospect I shouldn't have been afraid to show her 'all of me'. I think I was trying to show her what I thought she would approve of. This is no way to go about a relationship. You have to be willing to stand in front of this person and bear everything. It's not easy. In the future I have to be forthcoming about all aspects of my life and that includes my family, good and bad.

 

That's all for now. As you can see I also had my part in things. This wasn't easy to write. I'm not going to try and sell you on all of my wonderful qualities to make up for the things I listed above. I think for the most part there was a lot of good in our relationship. I loved her each and every day and gave her my self. I realize that i didn't give her 'everything', though. There were things i could have done more fully.

 

Other than that, though, I was perfect

 

Anyway, just something i wanted to get out there. I don't know what it'll do for al lof you. Maybe it'll make you think about what you can improve in your own relationships going forward. These are things I need to work on, obviously. I will say that while I am not perfect I did love her as best I could. Some of these things that I kept from her were only because she never made me feel comfortable enough to share them. It's not an excuse, it's a fact. She said that every guy she has ever broken up with has said "I always feel like I disappoint you". I guess you can add me to that list.

 

Okay. Just some food for thought. I'm trying to be as honest as I can. So there you are.

[1784]

No responses, eh? Maybe you guys didn't like me being so honest. I dunno. I'm not Superman. I'm not perfect. Maybe this makes me more human. Maybe it was too personal. I think it's important to be forthcoming about my own shortcomings. I don't want to come off as a martyr. No one is. All in all I thought I was really good to my ex. I think there were things I could have done better but I think everyone can always do better. There was no mal intent on my part. I'm just trying to be the best person I can be. And if part of my healing is to admit the things that I could have done better, so be it. I'm not here for an ego boost. I'm here to be the best person that I can be, right now and in the future.

[silvermane187]

Probably No responses because it's friday night and we're all drinking our sorrows away. At least I have been. It's good to know where you went wrong so you can learn and fix it for your next relationship. I wish I knew where I went wrong.

[TryTryAgain]

1784 -

 

It's definitely good you have realized these things about yourself. Sure, you could work on them, but they weren't deal breakers by any means.

 

Sharing My Wants. At the beginning of the relationship I was a lot more forthcoming about what I wanted, how I felt, what I disagreed with, etc. I am a pretty agreeable person. She is less so. I can be somewhat of a crowd pleaser. She is not this way. As time went on I found it much easier to agree with her rather than bicker.

 

I felt this way about my ex and I to some extent. One comment she made to me though was that I was almost too agreeable at times. I want to say I recall her also commenting that she felt like she was dating herself. I truly did enjoy everything she enjoyed, to a point. She opened my life to new experiences, new people, new foods, etc. That was one thing I loved about her, and I loved sharing all of those experiences. I would like to think that I opened her life to new things as well, but I don't think she felt the need or had the desire to latch onto any of them. I would make a suggestion to go skiing or something, and she wouldn't show interest. So it got to a point where I wouldn't ask her. Who knows what effect this had on her. Again, she was fiercely independent and I think she sort of felt like she was already fulfilled enough and didn't need a man to bring anything "extra" into her life. Boy, but things sure changed when she was lonely around the holidays this past December. You'd swear that I was everything that was missing in her life!

 

So, I think next time around I want to make sure I'm true to myself and be more vocal as you say. One of the things I'm working through right now is being more assertive. When something bothers me or I don't agree, I need to speak up. I end up bottling things up, and that's good for no one.

[noleaf]

Hey 1784

 

I've just read through the entire thread history for this - and i've got to say its been really inspiring.

 

You seem like a really good guy, and i think that your ex is going to realise at some point (if she doesnt already) what she gave up. The thing is i think it could take her some time to realise this. You'e said that your ex is pretty selfish, its her nature. If it is her nature, chances are that the people that she has had relationships and friendships with in the past have had to accept that selfishness and be accommodating of it. People who aren't accepting of it, i'm pretty sure wouldn't fit in in her life. However, paradoxically, its probably these very people who might be able to challenge her to realise more about some of her selfish actions. I dont know if any of this is making sense, but i suspect that your ex truly does not realise how lucky she has been to have you - and her nature means that there is a fair chance she won't realise this for some time.

 

Anyway, in the meantime, regardless of this it seems like you've decided to take some action to moving on a bit and letting go somewhat. I hope that things get easier for you. Like i said, you seem like such a genuine nice guy, you really deserve to have someone in your life who is willing to give as much as you are. Saying that, i know how much you love your ex, and if it would make you happiest to be back with her, then i hope that things can work out. Whichever way i wish you happiness.

 

I do have one question though - you may have already touched on it before (I have a pretty bad memory and 22 pages of posting is ALOT!!). I'm assuming you have been in other relationships, did you feel in your most recent relationship that it was truly the best relationship you had ever been in? And if so, what do you feel made it so good?

 

x x x

[1784]

@TryTryagain

 

It's pretty amazing how similar we/our exes are. We really should have that beer some time!

 

An agreeable personality is a funny thing. I don't think there's anything wrong with it until you let others take advantage of it. You know, when you're footing the bill for other people. Obviously you're going to try and surround yourself with the types of people who would never do this but they'll always be lurking. You just have to keep your eyes peeled for them.

 

I think my own crowd-pleasing persona comes from the fact that my parents divorced when I was only 3. I knew, even at an early age, that I didn't want to cause either one of them any added stress; so I did my best to be a good kid. I think this 'agenda' of mine lent itself to relationships outside my own family dynamic. Personally, I like the way I am, but like I said I have to watch out that I look out for my best interests as well.

 

I definitely became a little too agreeable when it came to my ex. It's not like she was suggesting I go out and maim little children and I would just agree to it. It was more like little, day-to-day things that I could have been more vocal about. Like I said, initially when we first started dating I was less like this. As time went on, though, I certainly just found it easier to go along with things. I'm a pretty easy going guy. I don't sweat the small stuff. But, things do build up in me and I have a hard time recognizing it at the time. It's something I've tried to be more aware of.

 

My ex and I aren't opposites but we definitely approach some things in life with different perspectives. I thought it was good, to be honest. I always felt that we balanced one another out in a healthy way. Not to the point where I or she were doing things we didn't want to, more that we trusted in the other to show us an alternate way of looking at a situation. I think you have to have a lot of love, trust and be open minded in order to do this. I think we learned a lot from one another in this way, as you did with your ex.

 

My ex, like yours is quite independent at times. Other times, however, she can be pretty needy. There isn't a lot of rhyme or reason to it. Some of her independence I think is a front. I think she wanted me to be more involved in the overall decision making when it came to our time together. she didn't want to feel like she was steering the ship alone. That's something that initially I was better about but later on I wasn't. It's something I have to keep in mind for sure because respect (your ex's and your own) plays a huge part in that.

 

I think you and I both need to be more assertive. But we also need to be with someone who would allow us the freedom and comfort to do so. While we should be more assertive there are always reasons why we may have felt a little uncomfortable in doing so. Again, both people always play a part in a dynamic like this.

[1784]

@noleaf

 

I appreciate your kind words, your perspective and the time you took reading through this War & Peace like thread. I've been thinking of starting another one so that people aren't so threatened by the time it'll take to get through the whole thing; but I do like that everything is in one place. There's a continuity about it that just makes it like a journey from one place to another. I'll probably just stick to this one for now.

 

I have no doubt that my ex will realize she gave up on a lot in me and in us. That isn't to say that she'll come back. I do think, though, between the good and the bad, that we had a pretty special relationship. In fact I know we did. You simply don't find "this" every day. I always told her that. The connection we had was amazing. Even with all the hurt that I've gone through I would never take it back. Any of it. It wasn't easy for her to give up, that I know. This wasn't one of those here today gone tomorrow type situations. We really agonized over it for quite some time. That alone shows me just how much it meant to the both of us. I do think, though, that she probably took me for granted to a certain extent. Time can only tell if this will mean anything to 'us' going forward.

 

Her friends know she's selfish and high maintenance. They even make fun of her about it. But they can just accept her for who she is and live their lives. They don't have to be married to her. An intimate, long lasting relationship is different, though, as we all know. The choice entails a lot more investment. That's where I was. Her friends may or may not call her out on how she left me. In fact, I sort of got the impression that she hasn't even been 100% forthcoming with them about it. That tells me that she may not even be being 100% honest with herself. Perhaps it's easier for her to ignore the reality of why she left. It's easier for her to just move forward and not deal with any of it. I don't know for sure. Only she knows. I think I've said this before but I can't even imagine one of her friends asking her, "So, what ultimately broke you two up?" and her replying "He had to delay his move in because his mom has terminal cancer, so I ended it". I mean, how do you admit that? And how does a friend, a true friend, not call you out on it? Anyway, not my life. Not my concern. Not my business anymore. she has to live with herself and I have to live myself.

 

As to your question - " I'm assuming you have been in other relationships, did you feel in your most recent relationship that it was truly the best relationship you had ever been in? And if so, what do you feel made it so good?"

 

That's a tough question. I feel like every relationship has been so very different. I dated a girl in college and after for 4 years. It was an amazing relationship but it ran its course. At that time, though, it was great. I've had several long term relationships ranging in duration from a year to 4 years. They've all been unique. They've all been what they've been because of where I was in my life, where she was, what we wanted at the time, etc. This last relationship was where I was at 35 years old. It was what I wanted for my future. She was the one I wanted to marry. I didn't marry any of the others. So in answer to your question... I don't know. Haha. We're broken up. It can't be "the best" if it ended, can it? I mean, if we were to reconcile I would have to come back to you on this question but for now it's obviously not 'the best'. It's broken. It takes two people to make a relationship work and right now I'm only speaking for myself because she's not with me. We're not together. It had its great points and its not so great points. I think every relationship is like that. It's just a matter of the great points far outweighing the not so great points, I think. i think we had a lot to fight for. I'll leave it at that.

 

What made me feel so good? I loved her. She loved me. I brought out a lot in her. she brought out a lot in me. I felt like we were good together. I thought we had similar hopes and dreams. We laughed a lot. We were highly attracted to one another physically. You know, the usual stuff that all adds up to "I love you SO much". That's why it was so good. That's what felt so good about it. When I was with her I didn't want to be anywhere else in the world.

[TryTryAgain]

I think you and I both need to be more assertive. But we also need to be with someone who would allow us the freedom and comfort to do so.

 

Amen to that. With my ex, when I was assertive, that spelled conflict, then she would bail. In her fairy tale, there would of course be no conflict.

 

I think my own crowd-pleasing persona comes from the fact that my parents divorced when I was only 3. I knew, even at an early age, that I didn't want to cause either one of them any added stress

 

My parents divorced too when I was very young. I was always the peacemaker whenever there was any sort of conflict within the family. I would always empathize with everyone. The same goes for me today...I want to make sure everyone else is taken care of before myself. It has probably taken a toll on me in my family life, friendships, and romantic relationships.

 

Of course it's easy to criticize ourselves. It truly could just be that we haven't met the right women yet. It reminds me of this quote I read that I really liked..."Every relationship fails until one doesn't."

[1784]

@TryTryAgain

 

Man, it is raining cats & dogs here. Why did I think it was supposed to be nice here this weekend? No clue. I just got back from my haircut (I must admit, I look quite dashing - lol. I just wanted to say dashing. Who says that anymore?). I stopped by the wine store and picked up a couple of bottles of Pinot Noir, my favorite. I'm gonna make myself a nice dinner, stop by and see my mom, perhaps do a little reading later on. It's not so bad. Freedom has its privileges.

 

I'm not surprised anymore when you mention similarities between us. I'm really not. I think the divorce definitely has a lot to do with the way in which we conduct ourselves. It's not an excuse, mind you, but it is a factor. I've actually been working on being more assertive lately. And when I say lately I don't just mean post-breakup. I've been a lot more assertive especially when it comes to my career. I think even me taking a stand with regards to the move in with my ex was me being more assertive and doing what I thought was right for me. Arguably I shouldn't have HAD to take a stand in that situation but we all know my story all too well by now for me to get into it. It's actually pretty sad that a 'stand' was what was necessary. But I digress...

 

I've always been the type who comes into a room full of strangers and makes everyone comfortable. Usually I do this by way of humor. Aside from my post breakup blues I'm pretty funny. Actually, EVERYONE thought I was a lot funnier than my ex did. I always did find that peculiar. Don't get me wrong, she thought I was funny but not as much as everyone else did. Who knows? This is not something that I'm gonna analyze believe it or not.

 

At the end of the day, you are who you are. Your life shapes you. You and I both come from broken homes, had to do our part in keeping the peace and this ultimately played a part in shaping who we are today. That's life. Some things you choose and some you do not. Fortunately we do have a choice in who we end up with. And I think we both know that we need someone who is going to love us for who we are regardless of how we got that way. Like I said, having a caring personality isn't a bad thing. People could do a lot worse. Some of the time I know we need to look out for ourselves a little more but Jesus... it seems like everyone else thinks of themselves a little too carefully these days. I don't know about out West but in NYC people couldn't be more selfish. The world could use more of us in it if you want to know the truth. Don't apologize for who you are. I won't either. From what i can tell we're both very good and thoughtful people that ended up with exes who took our nature for granted. F 'em. I have no doubt that they'll both regret it. And even if they don't, because they realize that they just weren't meant to be with us, they'll still appreciate who we were to them. Sometimes respect is enough.

 

I like your quote, TryTryAgain. I's a good one. I liked Graceful's quote a lot too. This one:

 

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them." Maya Angelou

 

I think we both could learn a lot from this one.

 

Have fun today/tonight with the whole alumni function. I don't remember if it was today of this evening. Have a good time! Have some drinks! I'll check in later and see if you've posted anything.

 

Thanks, as always. It's really good knowing I have a friend out there in breakup-land. I feel like we always help each other out. Life is pretty cool sometimes.

Edited April 16, 2011 by 1784