Houston, We Have Contact

[TryTryAgain]

Yo, bro.

 

Just checking in. Thanks for your replies to my posts. This continues to be a rough week at work, plus constant thoughts of the ex aren't helping either. I've broken down a couple of times, but I have not contacted her. I did in fact have to remind myself that 1784 said not to! The tougest part was seeing her new house featured as "recently sold" on real-estate search I was doing for my buddy. It was really tough seeing that knowing I was there about 3 months ago helping her with the initial walk-throughs. Ugh.

 

My honest opinion is that your ex is probably waiting for you to contact her, but who knows if she's obsessing about it. I say that based on that whole selfishness factor and her still probably thinking she wasn't completely at fault for the way things went down. Coupled with that is the fact that she's probably thinking since she reached out first it's now your turn to reach back. I really think she will contact you again though. I just chalk that up to a gut feeling though.

 

In the meantime, you're still doing all of the right things, and that's namely living for yourself and trying to build a future without her. Leaving that door ever so slightly cracked is a good thing in my opinion though. A lot of folks on here shut that door and bolt it up as mentioned earlier on this thread. It may work for them, but I know personally that would never work for me, and you've already said you're a major proponent for leaving that door open. In some strange way, I guess I have already forgiven my ex even though she hasn't offered me an apology. I guess that's just my nature. Maybe that's why I cling onto hope though. Maybe it's this unconditional acceptance of her that screws with my head so bad. It tricks my mind into thinking that 50% of the equation is there (me), so why can't this work? It's because the other 50% doesn't exist! At least not now. So, it's about adopting a different mindset.

 

Off to go have a much needed beer now. Hope you have a good evening.

[1784]

It's amazing how lightly I tread between reality and denial on a daily basis. lol

[1784]

@TTA

 

I'm so sorry that you've been having a rough week. Reminders are never fun, especially the kind that signified some kind of future for you and your ex. I can definitely relate. When I went to dinner with her she informed me that she had planned a trip to Alaska with a friend of hers for September. Guess what? WE were supposed to go to Alaska together. This was supposed to be her big 30th birthday trip. We were gonna plan it together. Well, she didn't let my absence stand in her way. I mean, I don't blame her. She should still go. It just stings a bit. Anything having to do with her future plans (apartment, trips, etc) definitely touches a nerve because I know I once was a part of those decisions and now I'm not. This is why NC is the best policy. I don't need to hear about any of this. It doesn't concern me in any way anymore and in no way helps me to move forward. I'd rather not know. I'd rather be planning my own vacations, classes, etc; and that's just what I've been doing.

 

She may indeed be waiting for me to get in touch with her. I dunno. I don't see how she could. If you remember, at our dinner, when I asked her what she was thinking she gave me that whole line about how she is a branch in a river (or a leaf or whatever the hell she thinks she is) and waiting for life's current to direct her. Well, I'm not one to get in the way of life's current. If she is just floating along and NOT swimming in any way towards my direction, then I don't see how she'd expect me to be the one to get in touch with her. That makes no sense. I mean, that's what I took away from our little get together. If there's going to be further contact then that little branch is going to have to make the decision to initiate it. Still, she may just be waiting on me to contact her. It ain't gonna happen. she broke up with me, recent contact or no recent contact, and it was ultimately her decision to do so. In my book she still would have to be the one to approach me if she wanted to talk about a different possible outcome for the future. That's not changing.

 

But yeah, I think eventually I'll hear from her. I don't know when but I think eventually it'll happen. Who knows, maybe it won't. Again, I'm relinquishing control of that. I have to.

 

I have to leave the door open a crack because I love her. I'll always love her to some degree. That doesn't mean I should be with her but we'll always have our memories, lots of which are very precious to me. There was no cheating or abuse. I want the best for her even if I'm not the one to give it to her. I always wanted her to be happy and I still do. I mean that. I hope she finds whatever it is that she's looking for. So yeah, I'll leave the door open a crack but like I mentioned, I'm not gonna watch to see if she comes. She'll have to knock pretty loudly because I'll be in another room and the dead bolt is on. I'm not putting up land mines and booby traps, though. She can get to me if she wants.

 

Go enjoy your beer(s!), brosabi. I'll check in later. You'll be fine. we all have setbacks. It's part of the learning and growing process. It's not the setback that you analyze, it's how you get past it. You'll get past it. I believe in you. And I'm always here if you need me.

 

Peace.

 

-1784

[TryTryAgain]

You said booby....

 

The beers were quite good. I met up with my old gf from my college days. She actually lived in NYC for most of her twenties and recently moved back. It was a nice night and I must say it's pretty amazing that her and I talk after all these years. Man, a lot of the crap I'm going through now is the same as I went through nearly a decade ago....wow.

 

So I know your ex talked about this "branch" analogy. In the same vein, has she ever brought up "God's Plan" with respect to you two? I'm curious because my ex being the very spiritual type brought this up from time to time and it sort of felt like she was hiding behind something, almost like she was afraid to just come out and say what was truly on her mind. I mean she told me she prayed and prayed about us prior to December and look where that got us. Again, just curious given their similarities.

 

The week is finally getting better!

[Rosa Tamora]

Wow, this is a really interesting post.

1784:

I read alot fo the stuff on here about your girl. I don't know you but I am sorry about the things you are experiencing right now. I am a girl, and from a girls point of view, she sounds confused about what she wants in a partner. Most self possessed women know what they want in a man and even if they do not, it's not right to string a guy along, which seems to be what she is doing to you.

The question is: what do YOU want. Do you want to spend time living in her head like this? It's tiring, isn't it? You're trying to figure out what the heck her real motives are. You sound like a really kind thoughtful guy to me, based on your posts, so I think you deserve someone as attentive as you are.

So this girl doesn't want to work it out and you guys are in limbo about who should call who first. Does this really have to be so complicated?

She sounds a little...selfish?

 

My boyfriend of almost 3 years just ended things with me last month, completely out of the blue. We broke up in January and the next day he came back crying and asked to get back together, saying he wants to work on things. I told him ok, and requested he write me a letter with all the things that have been making him unhappy. 6 weeks later, no letter, after 2 gentle reminders, and then he ends it with me. Talk about blindsided.

It's been really hard, because we live together too and I've cried and cried, but eventually the realization comes to your head and heart: Do I deserve this?

 

I hope you feel better about it all. Somewhere out there a wonderful girl is waiting for you, if this does not work out.

 

[1784]

@TTA... I DID say BOOBY! I knew someone would appreciate it. I'm glad you had a good night. It's amazing what a few beers and some good company can do for a crappy week, eh? I'm not close with any of my exes. There are a couple that I'm still in contact with, mostly just via Facebook, but no real lasting friendship there. I think I have a hard time letting go of things so me staying in close contact with exes is not something very healthy for me.

 

History repeats itself? You said "a lot of the crap I'm going through now is the same as I went through nearly a decade ago....wow". People really don't change all that much (and that means you and I as well). We probably still tend to go for the same type of women as we used to. We probably react to them and them to us in the same ways. The people are different but the dynamic is the similar. This is why people stress healing and bettering yourself. If you don't you'll just have to deal with the same issues at a later date in some shape or form. I know I am. I might as well put the work in now since I'm at a "back to the drawing board" place in my life. I've never dealt with a breakup quite like this one and I've never put so much time and effort into figuring it/myself out because of it. Sure, I've always been introspective but LS has been an interesting outlet for me. I think it's been good. I'm definitely learning about people and about myself. It has to be a good thing.

 

As far as "God's Plan" goes, my ex is too much of a control freak to just let things happen. She can try and be a "branch in the river" for a while but that's just not her MO. She can't leave things be. She'll rely on things like "God's plan", as she is religious, only when she doesn't know what else to do. But she doesn't have the patience to actually wait out what He has to show her. She has patience for no one and nothing. But no, she doesn't hide behind things like "God's plan".

 

I'm glad things are looking up, TTA. They always do... eventually. I'm doing alright as well. Not great but better.

[1784]

@Rosa

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my thread. I know it's no small task. I think that all of the advice/insight everyone that has contributed to it, though, makes it worth the time. It's becoming a body of work. lol

 

I think my ex knows what she wants her relationship to look like. I think she has the apartment, the car, the house, the kids, the vacations, the furniture, etc, all picked out. She even has a pretty good idea of what her husband should look like, talk like, what kind of job he should have, how he should be with kids, etc. The thing I think she may be underestimating is the actual PERSON behind all of these 'things'. Her choice in a mate is not like picking out a pair of shoes for an outfit. He doesn't just round out the image. He should be a large part of the image and everything should stem from that relationship she has with him. You can't put the cart before the horse and you have to be realistic about expectations. You also have to realize that you are with a PERSON and not someone who's main purpose is to help you get what you want from Crate & Barrel. This is not Ken & Barbie. This is real life with real people, real feelings, real difficulties and real commitment. You can't just pick and choose what you want to deal with. I mean, you CAN, but what kind of committed relationship are you going to have then? Probably one like these "Housewives of ..." (reality show) have. The husbands are never there and the women get to do all of their fancy living with their girlfriends.

 

My point is, I think she knows what she wants in a partner but I don't think the word "partner" is as applicable as it should be. You're supposed to go hand in hand with your partner. They're not just an accessory in your life. And if you're truly going to commit to them it has to be for everything, not just the stuff you like. You're not just a fair-weather friend. You're supposed to have a deeper connection than that.

 

As far as what I want... I think I need to reestablish that. There were things in my ex that I loved and admired very much. There were also things that I definitely didn't "accept" as much as I thought I had. I don't think you have to love every single thing in a person to be with them. That's just absurd. You'd be dating yourself. But you should love them enough to accept them as they are (if you plan on taking the relationship to the next level). I loved my ex. I loved her for everything she was. I recognized what I didn't agree with but I loved her anyway. My love may just differ from the type of love that she has to offer. Neither of us is 'wrong' but you should be on the same page when it comes to love. Her expectations may just be different. I thought they were similar to mine but apparently I caused too many chinks in the armor that is her fairytale. She wasn't willing to accept it (me). So I suppose she'll try to find it elsewhere. We'll see.

 

She sounds a little selfish, eh? Yeah, you could say that ; ) and you wouldn't be wrong. She even admits that she's selfish. That's probably a bad sign. lol

 

It certainly has gotten to the point where I feel like I deserve better. At least, I deserve to get the kind of love that I give. I'm so tired of trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole. That's what it has felt like anyway. And it shouldn't. It shouldn't be this hard. I just don't understand why it had to be.

 

You're right, though, it doesn't need to be this complicated. And funny enough... it ISN'T anymore. lol... because we are no longer together. and no, I don't deserve this. I do deserve better. Or at least I deserve to be with someone who, when they say they love me and want to marry me, won't break up with me because I have to take care of a terminally ill parent. I don't think that's asking for so much.

[TryTryAgain]

She'll rely on things like "God's plan", as she is religious, only when she doesn't know what else to do.

 

Yeah, that's probably more inline with my ex too. She probably wasn't hiding behind it so much, but just truly putting her faith in God that He is looking out for the best of both of us, especially in times when she didn't know what to do.

 

Happy Thursday!

[1784]

You mean she was hoping that God was looking out for HER ; )

 

Happy Thursday indeed!

[TryTryAgain]

You mean she was hoping that God was looking out for HER ; )

 

LOL! It's funny because it's true! She's such a good Christian.

[1784]

Man, ever since joining LS and looking at these threads I'm wondering if there aren't a lot of similarities between its members, personality wise. I mean, you and I (TryTry) are ridiculously similar but everyone else here seems to share commonalities as well. I also notice a lot more men getting dumped. Is that just me or is there some validity to that claim? It seems like the men have a harder time letting go and the women just mosey on down the line towards their next suitor. I don't doubt that there are primal instincts playing a role in all this. Women... biological clock. Men... hunt and gather.

 

Just wondering what your thoughts were.

[Jerrica]

I think women have just as hard of a time when we are dumped as men do, although some men who have large ego's might feel a little more bruised I guess? Also I think we take it a lot harder in the very beginning but slowly deal with our emotions. Some men avoid dealing with their emotions in the beginning and put it off until later so it could take them longer.

 

Also, men are the pursuers, so there are men pursuing us quite often if we are single. This might help replenish our self esteem faster than a male. Since my bf broke up with me I already have several guys after me, not that I'm interested but it helps to know I'm still desirable. In short, it's not hard for a girl to get another bf, but might be a bit harder for a guy to get another gf.

 

Given all this doesn't mean I don't miss my ex and want him back as bad as you do, but I know there are other guys out there and it's not so hopeless.

[ahoy]

I think the similarities in personality are due to the nature of this site, certain "types" of people deal with stuff the same way - we're all here due to our inability to cope via ourselves or our wish to get an outside opinion.

 

The fact that most people seem to be male on here has had me stumped for a while, though I think it might be due to men not speaking to their IRL friends like women do. The fact that this site allows you to remain anonymous is probably what attracts a larger proportion of male posters than female.

[silvermane187]

There are more men because it's considered weak to show or talk about your feelings in our society. An internet forum is the easiest place for us to get help without coming accross as weak and pathetic to our friends IRL. Girls have a much better support system for emotional issues.

 

Jerrica makes a good point too. All a girl has to do is put down her wall and men will come to her which will up their ego. A man going through a break up gives off a bad vibe that makes it harder to attract girls. I had way more girls give me looks when I was with my ex than I ever had single.

Edited April 21, 2011 by silvermane187

[1784]

Yeah, I think those are all valid points. I just think the fact that we're all 'here' says something about our personalities (guys and girls alike). I just see a lot of similarities in how we were dumped, how we acted in our relationships, how we feel about the breakup, etc. I find it interesting in a purely sociological way. It doesn't change anything. I just thought I'd ask what you all thought about it.

[1784]

Believe it or not I don't have very much to say tonight. After 25 pages of almost daily posts I've reached a point where, as of right now, I don't even know what else I could add.

 

It's not like I still don't think of her a lot. It's not like I still don't alternate between anger, disappointment, sadness, longing, indifference, acceptance, optimism, etc. But the questions are dissipating to a certain extent. I guess that's a good thing. I guess that's more me accepting that where I am is 'here'. I'm right here. Not in the past. This is my reality. She has hers now and I have mine. It is no longer a joint venture. Pretty strange, I must say. In one way it's kind of nice but in another it's a little sad. Letting go carries a lot of different feelings with it. I think my logical mind is being heard a little more these days and my heart a little less. My confidence is creeping back up from the depths. My ex is coming off of that pedestal. Her stock has plummeted ever so slightly. I'm more concerned with how I feel than with how she feels, with what I think instead of what she thinks. Why? Because 'me' is the only thing I have any control over. I'm done with imagining different scenarios that are purely from my imagination - "If she calls", "If we reconcile", "If she still loves me", "If she's sorry", "If she thinks she made a mistake", etc. These things are of no use to me. It matters what I think. What I think and do are the only things that I can count on. I have no control over anything or anyone else.

 

So I guess I lied. I said that i didn't have much to say tonight. You all know better than that, though, don't you? I have diarrhea of the keyboard. It wasn't until I started typing that this all came out, though, so forgive me. Sometimes I have no idea what I am or am not going to post. This probably came out a lot more confidently than I intended it to but it is what it is. It's what I was feeling when I started writing. I'm sure I'll feel differently later or tomorrow or the next day but that's okay. I think it's just as important to document the positive stuff. You are what you think and sometimes I think I spend too much time documenting the insecurities, the what ifs, the what should I do's, the I need help's, etc. Well tonight I'm documenting the opposite.

 

Sure, I still miss her but it's not as desperate. And I think that's great. I miss her for who she is not for what I can't have anymore. And if there IS any chance of a reconciliation at some point (which is increasingly becoming less important to me) I now know that I would never want to feel like I owed her something. I wouldn't want to feel pathetic. I wouldn't want to feel like I need her. I would want to want her, which is different. And I would want the same from her. I'd want her to want me, not feel indebted to me out of some loyalty or guilt.

 

I'm healing and I acknowledge this. It's liberating.

[ahoy]

That's good to hear mate. I hit the point that you are at about two weeks ago, and now I've hit the point where she's offered a reconciliation and I've declined for one reason (which you mentioned above):

 

"I think my logical mind is being heard a little more these days and my heart a little less."

 

I think that quote right there is exactly what we're all aiming to achieve, and once you get to that point it's onwards and upwards.

[1784]

Hola,

 

Just thought I'd come and write something on this rainy Saturday in NYC (again!). Tomorrow is not only Easter but it's also my mom's birthday. It's difficult for me because I don't know if this will be my last opportunity to celebrate my mom's birthday with her. I'm going to try and make it as special as I can for her. Part of me doesn't want to treat it any differently because I don't want her to feel like this could her her last. I'm sure it's something we'll all be thinking, though. It's very tough.

 

As for my ex... not a peep out of her since we had dinner 2 weeks ago. In one way it's strange and in another way it isn't. I've been doing okay lately. I think I really started to make peace with the fact that she really won't be a part of my future any longer. Sure, she's still in my thoughts and my mind goes through different memories of 'us' here and there throughout the day. I don't feel as sick over them, though. They're further away. When I look over my shoulder there is now space between me and my memories of her. Before they seemed 2 feet away. I realize just how much time and space really does help. There's a part of me that's still having trouble letting go of her completely but I know it'll happen. There's no other choice. And each day that she's not with me I realize the finality of her decision.

 

One thing I've been thinking of is in regards to my mom and my ex. Every day isn't easy for me. It's one thing to go through a breakup but throw a parent with terminal cancer into the mix and it's even harder. Well, considering my ex decided to leave me when things were at their hardest I think I'd have a hard time ever forgetting that. When my mom does pass on, my ex will most likely not be there for that. She's not here now, she won't be here when things get even harder and she'll not be there for me when things are at their worst (with my mom). Given that scenario, how could I ever go back to her even if she did want to reconcile? I'm sure I could forgive her but I'm not so sure I could ever let it go and forget. This isn't anything she'll ever be able to take back no matter how badly she feels about it. If she ever did want to come back into my life again this might be too big of a mountain to get around. Hell, it might even be something that prevents her from wanting to reconcile because she feels too guilty about it. I have no idea. It might all just be too broken to ever put back together. Maybe it's just better that way.

 

Anyway, just some HAPPY SATURDAY thoughts for you all. The good news is that I know I'm feeling stronger. I feel a lot less sad. I feel more confident about myself. I know I'll be alright. I know she's got issues that I chose to ignore before but that I'm coming to grips with now. She's not as flawless as I made her out to be in my mind. I've stopped making excuses for her poor decisions and selfishness. They're not my problem anymore anyway. I'm remembering what it was like to just be ME and not 'us'. And you know what? I always liked this guy. A lot of other people did too. It's good to get back to him. Everyone else thought he was too good for her anyway. Maybe they were all right.

[noleaf]

1784 - so glad you're feeling stronger. You've been so strong already, so i'm glad you're finally feeling it.

 

I'm so sorry about things with your mum, i hope that her birthday goes as well as can be expected.

 

x x x

[1784]

@noleaf

 

Thanks for your kind words. I am feeling stronger but I'm not out of the woods yet. I still miss her. I still wake up thinking about her nearly every morning. I still wonder if she's going to call or write. I'm just less sad about it now. Before, I felt desperate and morose about everything. Now, I just feel a bit of longing and nostalgia, I suppose. I know with time, though, all of these feelings will lessen. I just have to let time do its thing. I think that's the hardest thing for all of us. To let go of it. To relinquish control. To focus on something else besides 'this'. In our heart and minds it feels like a problem that needs tending to. The thing is, it's not. If it needs anything at all it needs time and space. That's a very difficult thing to palate but it's the truth and I'm realizing it day by day. Like I've said in previous posts, I'm stepping back and allowing the universe to show me the way. In the meantime, I'm going to try and enjoy every day as best I can. The question of my ex and I is something that I've really been trying to give up on figuring out because there's no point. Sometimes you just have to look at the facts of what's in front of you. My reality is that she said "I give up". Nothing else matters. No reason, explanation, excuse, etc, is going to make a bit of difference to change the situation. This is where I am and this is what I have to accept. End of story.

[Graceful]

Hi 1784, and a beautiful day it is, finally.

 

Hope your day was filled with warmth and sunshine and that you gave your mother a happy birthday. I know what you mean about just wanting everything to be "normal" and NBD, but every birthday should be special, and no matter what's going on for your mum, she deserves special treatment on her birthday. Hope it was extra special for both of you and anyone else who was with you.

 

Just passing through and wanted to respectfully share a couple of thoughts. I can see that you're winding down in your analysis, and trying to put puzzle pieces together that will never add up, so I'm glad to see that you're moving into a new phase of handling your breakup, that is, putting the focus on yourself.

 

No matter what you do, and no matter how hard you try to figure out your ex's thoughts, remember you will always be looking through your own lens. YOUR LENS is all you have. You'll never be able to borrow her lens to see things as she sees them. The reason I bring this up is because I believe very strongly that she is not contacting you for the same reason you're not contacting her. She's not going to act on a whim, she's not going to act on sheer emotion, and she's not going to contact you when she's about as clear as she continues to be that she did the right thing. I mean, are you going to contact her because you really wanted to tell her it was good to see her? Are you contacting her to see if she is okay? ETC. So out of respect for yourself and for her, you've gone NC. And so has she. Out of respect for herself and for you. That's how I see it. She solved the problem she had with you, and got herself out of limbo ... (or so she thought ...). And that's her reality. Problem solved. Doesn't mean she's not miserable, doesn't mean she's resolved, doesn't mean a lot of things. But she solved the problem, and to her, that wasn't giving up. That was solving a problem. That's the way her vision works, her lens. Very different from your lens. I'm not defending her at all, I hope you see that. A person can still feel very badly about an outcome, even when they think they've made a decision using a rational mind.

 

I just wanted to say that even though I was hoping that your ex would have at least thanked you for going to dinner with her a day or two after you two went out, it might have just been too awkward and too difficult. Maybe leaving things just as they were when you parted that night was the most suitable ending for that evening. Maybe, for her, it was perfect.

 

One last thing that might help as you seem to be struggling with the idea of "letting go", as though when you do so, your ex and all your memories will go up in smoke. Not so. Not so at all. I like to say that I'm closing a chapter, rather than "letting go" for the last time. Closing a chapter of your life is more accurate because all of your life's journey is one chapter after another, and none of them go away. Just one closes, and a new one begins. Not sure if this will help as you get closer to your ability to do so, but maybe thinking that your ex was in a wonderful and valuable chapter of your life, will help you feel less like you're forcing her out, but more like, she's tucked away in a great chapter that may be a lot easier to go back and "read" at a later point in your life.

 

Hope this helps. And again, hope your Easter and your Mum's b-day were memorable. Take care, and say "hi" to the Big Apple for me, will ya? Grace

[EmperorR]

Yeah, I think those are all valid points. I just think the fact that we're all 'here' says something about our personalities (guys and girls alike). I just see a lot of similarities in how we were dumped, how we acted in our relationships, how we feel about the breakup, etc. I find it interesting in a purely sociological way. It doesn't change anything. I just thought I'd ask what you all thought about it.

 

most breakups take the same route, one person emotionally detaches usually the female, guy gets dumps doesn't know what to do. ex gf acts so cold towards them and a new friend in the picture suddenly she's dating guy heartbroken.

 

And yep i also agree guys don't have a support system you talk to your close friends they will just be like get over it stop being a b*tch etc., so you go online where you can let your feeligns out, heck i've told more about my relationships on loveshack than I have to my mom or close friends.

[Whyalwaysboris]

I had to add to chorus of people who have learned something from this thread. I didn't read through all 25 pages. If I did that I'd say my ex would have won at that point.

 

I wanted to add one thing my therapist said to me a month ago. It really floored me at the time. At the time, my ex had reappeared. I found the whole thing really maddening. Like everything she did it made no sense. I'd spent the whole time going on about this and that. Near the end of the session, he said, "what it comes down to is not hating yourself for loving her."

 

It seems like you're getting there, but don't be too hard on yourself. From what I read of this thread, it sounds like you were caught in an impossible spot. Torn between the woman you love and the woman who gave you life itself. What were you supposed to do? You were going to lose something no matter what.

 

You may wish you were hearing from her, but for right now I think this is better for you. You can work through these things yourself while your ex does whatever it is she is doing. Soon enough she truly will be out of sight out of mind for you. My ex and I have done this back and forth deal for months. It's done more harm then good. More recently I've been the one putting my foot down. It feels good to be in control. She gives me hope all the time. It's great and it sucks all at the same time.

 

Keep working through it, buddy. Try to catch yourself from trying to figure her out. It's going to make no sense. It's hard at first but try. Good luck with everything.

[TryTryAgain]

Hey 1784. I hope things are hanging in there okay for you. I have been swamped at work as I'm getting ready to go out of town for two weeks to work on a project for a client. Ugh. Lots of long hours.

 

I feel the acceptance of the situation that you're talking about. My situation seems like it's taking a turn as well. It boils down to the fact that I'm just not as sad anymore. I'm trying to plan things for the future that are for me only. Previously I seemed to be planning on things and counting on her to do them with me. I think I put a lot of things on hold because of that approach. Now, I'm truly going to try to make my life work for me. And speaking of therpaists, mine told me last week I need to focus on how to live a happy single life. I don't think I've ever been able to do that because there has always been this void of not having a steady girlfriend, and I put a huge focus on that point. So, I'm going to try to change my approach. This summer is hopefully going to be all about me. If she or another girl comes along, I will deal with it then. In the meantime, all I can worry about is myself.

 

Hope your week has gotten off to a good start.

[1784]

Thanks for all the responses, guys and dolls. You always find a way to add new perspective to an already WELL discussed issue. I had one of those days where I was sort of contemplating a lot again. Not like I was, mind you, but just a little. Not anything new. I think the fact that I was severely hung over didn't help matters much at all. What can I say, I likes to drink the wine.

 

I think what I realize more than anything is that my ex and I just have different ideas about what love is. It's a pretty simple realization but I feel like it encompasses a lot. It doesn't mean that my idea of love is any better than hers. It just means that the two ideas do not mesh well together. I think I'm willing to give a lot more in my definition. That's me, though. She may look at it as a weakness. She may not respect it. She may think that someone strong would fight more for what he wants instead of giving in to the other person. But I wanted her to be happy and a lot of times I would forgo what I wanted most so that she could have what she wanted most. I put her before me and that wasn't always the best idea for either one of us. And considering that she is already the type to do what makes her happy first, I put myself in a very vulnerable position. I don't blame her. I blame myself.

 

In the case of the "move in" I did what I thought was best. I should have never been put into the position that she put me in. When a parent has a terminal illness the last thing a significant other should do is give you an ultimatum. And when I was willing to compromise by still moving in, but closer to home, she decided that "that won't work for me". So be it. At least she was honest about it. She chose the end of our relationship over different location or delay in me moving into her apt. That really speaks volumes. I mean, what more do I need? She had the choice of waiting for this person she supposedly loved. Not waiting like "I need space". Waiting for me to move in. The relationship would not have changed. If anything it would have grown stronger since she would have been there for me at a time when I needed her most. But instead she chose to leave it. She chose being single over sustaining our love through a tough time. She made her choice and it is what it is. I just need to accept it fully.

 

What I'm saying is that I went from analyzing this obvious problem to tons of other things because I couldn't accept the OBVIOUS thing. The thing that's been staring at me in the face the entire time. Instead I decided to look at all of these other subsets of things to analyze. It's kind of like the OJ case. If they show you something enough times you become desensitized to it. I think I became somewhat desensitized to the fact that she broke up with me due primarily to her selfishness. It was so frigging obvious that I felt the need to look elsewhere for answers. Well, I've come full circle. I'm looking directly at the THING that ultimately broke us up. Yes, I know it's probably not the only thing but it IS the thing. And no other THING could be so very obvious as to why we shouldn't be together. I needn't look any further into it. I have my ace in the hole. I just didn't want to accept it. I couldn't accept that this woman who was supposed to love me more than anything could be so very selfish about such a sensitive issue in my life. Well she was and there really is no other way to look at it. She chose herself. I don't want that kind of a person to be my 'love'. It would never work.

 

I do feel slightly bad for her. I've always wanted her to be happy, you see. I think she will find the Crate & Barrel lifestyle that she's looking for. The bad news is that she WILL find the Crate & Barrel lifestyle that she's looking for. Understand? I think when she does get it she'll be disappointed with it, as always. I think she got a lot more in me than she bargained for. It's hard to go back from that. Now she has to. And all the money in the world isn't going to make up for the depth that we shared. But honestly, I don't know that. Maybe it will. Maybe she doesn't want a true partner. After all, like I said earlier, her idea of love is different than mine. That says it all.

Edited April 26, 2011 by 1784