Houston, We Have Contact

[Wicked_City]

1784, it's supposed to be a roller-coaster and painful. It's supposed to make you feel a bit loon-y. You're still at this stage where you can't believe the worst had happened. Or was it the worst? What IF she doesn't love you anymore? What IF she doesn't want to see you anymore? be with you anymore? If I were your ex and I said to you, "1784, it's truly over and don't see my future with you any longer," what would you say?

[GreenPolicy]

I don't have anything profound to write this evening. Last night I was feeling strong and confident and tonight I'm feeling pretty depressed. Maybe the caffeine works both ways? Who knows. Maybe I'm just tired, which I am right now. I just can't come to an understanding that I'm happy with for more than a few hours at a time. I just don't understand. I don't even know what I don't understand. I just know I feel utterly confused.

 

Am I doing this right? Should I just be "NC" with her as I am right now? Is this the right approach? Am I losing valuable time? How can she ask me to dinner and then just disappear again? Is she expecting me to contact her now? How could I be this person in her life that she said she had been waiting forever for and then be nothing? I just don't understand. I need a refresher from all of you. What is your take on the whole situation now that you have tons and tons of material with which to work from? I need advice. I'm in a weird place right now. How can she do this?!?

 

I feel rejected. I mean, it's not like I asked her out and she said no. We dated for 3+ years and I was supposed to move in with her. How did I get from there to here? Again, this might just be me refusing to accept the very obvious things in front of me, specifically the selfishness in which she handled everything. This is not something to take lightly, I understand that. What she did was put her own needs before a very delicate/sensitive/personal situation. and I simply cannot ignore that. Maybe I have my answer and am unwilling to fully accept it. If I had to guess... that's what it is. I don't want to believe it. It's very hard to accept this from someone you were planning on asking for marriage. All of those reasons why i wanted her hand do not simply go away. They're there each and every day. all of the memories, all of the smiles, all of the affection, all of the promises, all of the hopes and dreams. How do I just say to myself "Oh well. Go NC and work on yourself"? Seriously? That's what I do with all this? Maybe so.

 

Anyway, people... I could sure use a mini refresher on things this evening. I'm feeling it tonight. I dunno why. There wasn't something specific that brought it on. It's just there and it doesn't feel very good. I think I'm just not being very patient with myself. I think I expect too much too soon. and I think that seeing her a week ago tomorrow probably didn't help. I'd do it again... but it didn't help.

 

NC is a healing tool, not a tool to get them back. If you're in NC, then it's because you don't perceive there being any hope. In your shoes, if I felt like there was something left that I could do, then I would do it. In my case, I wrote my ex a letter two weeks after she dumped me. I wasn't optimistic, but I felt like A) it was therapeutic to say what I wanted before I went NC and B) I laid out what I was willing to do to make things work, as in couples counseling. She never acknowledged the letter, so with that I went NC and have remained so to this day.

 

In your case, you don't want to be sitting around down the road thinking "Well, what if I had said or done this?" Although it hurts now, you want to have the peace of mind in knowing that you did everything you could to make things work. It just doesn't make sense that she couldn't wait a few months while your mom goes through chemo. You offered to get a place together in NYC temporarily until the situation with your mom was settled...THEN you'd move together to her area. You were willing to make reasonable compromises, because you can't be a doormat, and you'd have never have felt good about yourself for moving to her area while not being there for your mom. I just don't see how a conscientious person would object to what you wanted to do.

 

It could be that she is just using this as an excuse to get out of the relationship, or her perspective is so skewed that she thinks you are the unreasonable one for not moving to her area on her timetable, no matter what was going on with your mom. I mean, we're talking about a few months here where the status quo continues,whereas in theory you have decades left together. Her position just doesn't seem rational or logical at all. So it might help you for peace of mind and closure if you seek her out for one final conversation where you lay out that you care and love about her, that in your mind delaying the move for a few months while you're staying close to your mom is a reasonable reason for the delay, that you offered to compromise in the form of her temporarily moving to NYC. You can offer up what you can do, and if she can't accept that, then you have to cut your losses and walk away. But it sounds like you guys already had this conversation.

 

Breaking NC to tell her that you care and love about her and you're willing to do X but not Y to be with her might help ease the What If game you play, and ease your conscience and give you peace of mind down the road. In the case of my own breakup, it came out of the blue to me, and up until the very, very end, she was very much acting like somebody who was in love, committed and invested in what we had together. I was shocked, as well as beyond confused and bewildered. Looking back, I don't see what I could have done differently to get a different outcome. I loved that girl with all of my heart, and I would have done anything, walked to the ends of the earth for her (well, short of compromising my morals or integrity, or being a doormat, in order to be with her, but you know what I mean)...so although it hurts like hell, I guess that's better than getting dumped by her because I hurt her, let her down, disappointed her, made her feel betrayed by something I did or didn't do, that caused her to change how she felt about me and feel like she couldn't stay with me. I feel like no stone was unturned by me in order to be with her. It's the only thing that gives me hope that one day this pain will completely subside.

 

A lot of people on this board are militantly NC, but in my mind, NC is for when you have no hope. Whether you're doing LC or NC, you never beg or plead or get hateful or spiteful...but NC is when there is just no hope whatsoever that you can change their minds or there is a chance that they might come around. If you feel like there is hope, if you feel like there is some sort of gesture that might help her see your POV and bridge the gap between your two positions, then it's up to you as to whether or not you want to break NC and risk the emotional distress it could cause. I'm not here to give you permission and validate your desire to break NC. All I can tell you is that it's what you do when there is no hope and you need to focus on yourself and healing.

 

Just be careful whatever you decide to do...breaking NC to lay everything on the line might work in the movies, but don't get your hopes up.

[1784]

@Wicked City

 

I'm sort of confused where you're going with this but I'll play along anyway...

 

If my ex said to me "1784, it's truly over and don't see my future with you any longer" then I guess I'd probably just say "Okay. I don't see how you can say that after all we've meant to each other over the last 3+ years, all of the plans we had, how excited we were to move forward, how deeply in love I thought we were. But It takes both people to go on, hand in hand, and if you don't want to then I certainly don't want to".

 

That's probably what I'd say. And you're gonna say... "so then say that to yourself"?

[1784]

@ GreenPolicy.

 

The reason I've chose NC, or more truthfully LC when/if she contacts me, is because I really don't feel like there is anything left for me to do or say. I know how she feels. she knows how I feel. I know she thinks I should have moved in with her and she knows I needed to choose to stay close to home. It really is that simple. I don't think there's anything left to 'do'.

 

To be honest, I think I am waiting (to a degree) to see if she has a change of heart. I know this isn't the healthiest strategy. Hell, I don't even know if I'd even take her back.. and that's the absolute truth. I really do think that if she and I are ever going to reconcile that she would have to come to me. That she would have to come to some point in her consciousness that screamed "I miss him. I want him. I never should have let him go. I made a mistake by giving up on our love". I need to know this. Without it I wouldn't consider going back to her. Seriously.

 

I know I'm not the one to change her mind about things and that's why I have to let go. I'm not banking on her return. I'm really not. I promise you this. But I'm not completely ruling it out either. Sue me. I'm not. I am holding her accountable for her actions but I'm not some tyrant who is unforgiving. I loved this girl so very much. She gave up on us. Yes she did. But I guess I'm not throwing out the possibility that she just needs time to get herself together. Again, I AM NOT hanging my hat on this idea. She may just go on with her life. I realize this is a very realistic possibility. And if that's the case then so be it. I'm still going to do what I need to be happy. But leaving a slight crack in the window of opportunity... I dunno. I don't know if it's the absolute worst thing in the world. Many of you may say it is. I'm just going with my gut here.

[GreenPolicy]

@Wicked City

 

I'm sort of confused where you're going with this but I'll play along anyway...

 

If my ex said to me "1784, it's truly over and don't see my future with you any longer" then I guess I'd probably just say "Okay. I don't see how you can say that after all we've meant to each other over the last 3+ years, all of the plans we had, how excited we were to move forward, how deeply in love I thought we were. But It takes both people to go on, hand in hand, and if you don't want to then I certainly don't want to".

 

That's probably what I'd say. And you're gonna say... "so then say that to yourself"?

 

Our situations are a little different, but in both our cases, it didn't end for logical or rational reasons. Your ex the way you describe is extremely selfish...either that or there's some other reason she chose to end things and she's using the not moving to her area as an excuse. So of course it doesn't make sense. How could it? My ex acted very much in love, committed, etc, told me she wanted a future with me, then one day she didn't. And I don't think this is something she contemplated for an extended period of time, so in my case, her 180 doesn't make sense either. They say women check out mentally LONG before they actually pull the trigger. If I had to guess, I'd say my ex contemplated ending things for 4-6 weeks before she actually did. I think part of acceptance is realizing that of course it doesn't make sense, of course it's not logical or rational. Do you really want to be with somebody who either ends the relationship because she is so damn selfish and can't be empathetic to your situation with your mom, or she has another agenda and she's BS'ing you about the move thing? Do I really want to be with somebody whose feelings could change relatively quickly? How could I trust her again if we did get back together?

[GreenPolicy]

@ GreenPolicy.

 

The reason I've chose NC, or more truthfully LC when/if she contacts me, is because I really don't feel like there is anything left for me to do or say. I know how she feels. she knows how I feel. I know she thinks I should have moved in with her and she knows I needed to choose to stay close to home. It really is that simple. I don't think there's anything left to 'do'.

 

To be honest, I think I am waiting (to a degree) to see if she has a change of heart. I know this isn't the healthiest strategy. Hell, I don't even know if I'd even take her back.. and that's the absolute truth. I really do think that if she and I are ever going to reconcile that she would have to come to me. That she would have to come to some point in her consciousness that screamed "I miss him. I want him. I never should have let him go. I made a mistake by giving up on our love". I need to know this. Without it I wouldn't consider going back to her. Seriously.

 

I know I'm not the one to change her mind about things and that's why I have to let go. I'm not banking on her return. I'm really not. I promise you this. But I'm not completely ruling it out either. Sue me. I'm not. I am holding her accountable for her actions but I'm not some tyrant who is unforgiving. I loved this girl so very much. She gave up on us. Yes she did. But I guess I'm not throwing out the possibility that she just needs time to get herself together. Again, I AM NOT hanging my hat on this idea. She may just go on with her life. I realize this is a very realistic possibility. And if that's the case then so be it. I'm still going to do what I need to be happy. But leaving a slight crack in the window of opportunity... I dunno. I don't know if it's the absolute worst thing in the world. Many of you may say it is. I'm just going with my gut here.

 

All I can say to that is don't wait around on her. If she comes back and you're single when that happens, then you can assess if she deserves a second chance. But you absolutely cannot wait around on her to get her sh*t together and realize what she gave up on. Focus on healing and when you're ready, date again.

 

False hope is the biggest impediment to moving on, so it's best to not give yourself any. Hey, it's great if she comes back and the stars line up just so that you're single and available when she does, and you can ride off into the sunset as the credits roll, but don't indulge in any reunion scenarios. Be selfish towards yourself right now and realize that there is somebody else out there who deserves more priority than she does. Your ex really needs to learn and grown before you can be with her again. It might be a very long time before that happens, and when and if it does, it might be some other guy down the line who is the beneficiary of that change, not you. In the meantime live your life and take care of yourself. I'm in the same boat and I realize that in the case of my ex, she pretty much sabotaged the relationship to such a degree that, even in the extremely unlikely event that she ever came back, it would be so hard for me to trust her again.

[1784]

@ GreenPolicy

 

What can I say? You're right. I know that when I initially told her that I wouldn't be able to move in on 12/15 that THAT was the time that she most likely started contemplating the break up. I know it. All she kept saying was "Something doesn't feel right". What can I say? All I had for her was "It has NOTHING to do with you or us. It has EVERYTHING to do with my mom. I have to be there for her on a daily basis. It's not that I don't want to move in with you. I WILL move in with you. But I simply can't do that given the current reality of the situation with my mom". In one way or another she sort of accepted this... for a little while (December). But by January she was back to being completely miserable about it and holding me responsible for her misery. So yeah, I think she started checking out in December. We ultimately broke up in January into February.

 

The reason why I don't even know why I'd take her back is precisely what you stated in your response -

 

"Do you really want to be with somebody who either ends the relationship because she is so damn selfish and can't be empathetic to your situation with your mom, or she has another agenda and she's BS'ing you about the move thing?"

 

I don't know if I could be with her again. I don't know if it would ever quite be the same. I admit that I have my reservations about it. Like I've stated before, though, I'd simply like the option. And you know what? That's selfish of ME. I realize that. I'd just like to be in a place where we're both on common ground to discuss things. Right now I feel like we aren't. And that's why NC is a necessity for me. I need to feel confident in where I stand. She needs to get away from the situation and assess her priorities. We are not in a place at the moment to have this discussion because it's all still too close to the bone.

[Wicked_City]

1784, I certainly won't tell you that, I'm not that glib. Just posed a few questions for you because no answer will satisfy you right now. So I think and where I'm going with this is to continue NC. I supposed if she shows up at your door begging and pleading for a second chance, then, that's a totally different scenario. In times like this, we second-guess ourselves and wonder if we're screwing it up by staying and being quiet. I can sense you're frantic and I think giving yourself a break will calm you some. She may be sitting by the phone waiting, she may not. Nobody knows what she's thinking or feeling but from where I'm sitting she is almost running the show here. You have more power than you think and you can start gaining it back by being comfortable in your decisions.

[1784]

I know what you're saying about false hope, GP. And of course you're right again. I know it's not the way to go and can hinder your progress in healing. I know this. I'm just trying to be honest with you and not just say what everyone wants to hear. Whether I have false hope or not, though, I know I need to focus on me. Actually, hoping she comes back or not is the same right now. Right NOW she's not here. So all I can do is treat the situation as it is. It's me and me alone. And while I am admittedly hanging on to a string of hope it's not anything I'm REALLY focusing on. I acknowledge it - sure. I realize it's there. But when I wake up in the morning I'm not t all thinking about her coming back or some kind of grandiose reunion. I'm more just saying "It could happen... maybe". If that's a crime then you can lock me up. I'm guilty as charged.

[1784]

@Wicked_City

 

Yeah. I do need a break. Ha, I mean I do have the time for it. I don't think she's going to come banging down my door any time soon anyway. Time is what I have. Time is what I need. You're right, though, I am second guessing myself and I need to stop. I'm good with my decision about not moving in with her. It was the right thing to do. That I know and that I DO not question. It's more the "what the hell do I do now" that I'm contemplating to death. And I guess I really don't have a choice there. I guess I just need to chill the F out.

[1784]

I liked it a lot better when you all were agreeing how narcissistic she is, by the way. LOL. That stuff was easier to swallow.

[Graceful]

I liked it a lot better when you all were agreeing how narcissistic she is, by the way. LOL. That stuff was easier to swallow.

 

Oh, too funny, that was almost like saying, "cue, Graceful"

 

hello, seventeen, I haven't been on the board for a couple of days so when I saw this last post here, I had to smile. I was one of the people who believes your ex has a serious narcissistic streak, as you may recall.

 

I have not had a chance to read all of the new posts, so I'm just going to say what I was thinking in reference to your situation. As you are aware, when you are too close to a something yourself, you can't see what's right in front of your face. Additionally, when you're in pain and the heartbreak is so bad, you spend a lot of time analyzing what may not really require all the much analysis. We all do it, it's part of the process, but I just want to short circuit for a sec, okay?

 

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them." Maya Angelou

 

A quote I love, and I'll now use your ex as the illustration. She showed you who she was when she broke up with you. She showed you who she was when she said she could not be alone and put that ahead of understanding your situation or trusting that everything would work out and trusting you for being true to your word. She showed you who she was all the other times she put herself first. She showed you who she was over and over and over. You just did not want to see her for who she was because you love(d) her and you were prepared to accommodate her or try to "retrain" her, but no matter how you look at it, you did not want to see her for who she was time and time again.

 

The breakup was not caused by one thing, it never is. The fact you could not move was just a catalyst, that is all. It could have been anything that stood in the way of your ex's agenda being met. It could be your job loss, it could be the fact you don't make enough money, it could be you're not well bred enough, it could have been anything that messed up the agenda and the fairy tale. If you admitted to already feeling you had a few strikes against you, the move was the final straw. The agenda was suffering, and she put herself first once again, and threw out the baby with the bath water. But it was not just the delay in the move. Not at all.

 

I have no doubt she loved you, but the idea that you were messing up the agenda and the fairy tale was too much of an obstacle for her and that's why she ended it. Do you see what I mean?

 

And on top of this, there is a good chance she was bluffing when she broke up with you as well. She bluffed to get her way. She broke up with you thinking you'd never let her go, she's that self-centered. It's hard to say if it was quite this self-conscious on her part, but have you considered that she never, ever expected you to stick to your convictions? Expected you to cave? Because I do.

 

I told you already, IMHO, she does not think she did anything wrong. You caused the breakup. You put up the obstacle, not her. You're to blame. You handed her the gun. All she did was pull the trigger.

 

She'd have to have one heck of an epiphany to come back to you out of the blue, want you back, accept you for who you are, and roll with what ever life brings the two of you and have your back for the rest of your life.

 

Not gonna happen. See her for who she is. She gave you a front row seat, but you were too close to see her. Now you can.

 

Take care. Grace

Edited April 15, 2011 by Graceful

[silvermane187]

I'll try to keep it simple. You should continue NC because contacting her and being rejected will set you back MONTHS. If she wanted you back she would contact you. What about your dinner with her made her think she couldn't contact you? I think the whole point of seeing you was to make herself feel better. My guess is she wanted to know you didn't hate her, and she simply missed the friendship, she wanted to see that you were ok, wanted to see you one last time.

 

If she wants you back, if she loves you, she will contact you. You did nothing to make her think you wouldn't be open to the possibility. It sucks. It's a roller coaster that I'm on too. There's nothing you can do but process the pain and prove to yourself that your strong enough to move on.

 

Now if only I could take my own advice.

[Scorpio6913]

Hey 1784, I've been following you thread & you seem quite articulate with regards to your situation. I can totally relate to how your ex was selfish..

If you wouldn't mind, I'd like so much if you and others could chime in on my thread too? I think there are commonalities that I hadn't mentioned there yet..

 

Sorry for hijacking....

 

Peace!

[hunk]

1784 to be brutally honest, your ex sounds extremely selfish and straight out immature. I know right now you're seeing her with rose tinted glasses but you really need to reevaluate what's good for you now. You're talking about wanting to marry this woman. You have to think about this with a completely clear head. It sounds like she really is just screwing you around, she can't commit to anything at the moment and it sounds like she herself doesn't know what she wants whatsoever. She loves the security of you, because to be honest even though you didn't show obvious signs of wanting to get back together at your dinner, she will be able to tell indefinitely you want her back. The fact you even went speaks volumes for her. She's probably teetering on a very thin rope right now, and nothing you can say or do is going to influence her decision in your favour. You truly need to get on with your life, because if there's anything that will give her a wake up call it's seeing you moving on. If she comes back to you, you accept nothing less than a complete heartfelt apology. You have to stand up for yourself here and let her know SHE ****ed up. You've said your peace, it's her turn now. She knows how you feel. There's no need to tell her again, now is the time to stand strong for yourself. If you just take her back no questions asked your relationship is doomed. Make her realize what she nearly lost/did lose. That being said, if this limbo is impeding your ability to go about life normally, as i can definitely understand it would be, then i suppose giving it to her straight and short might be your best bet. You make it clear you can't keep waiting for her. You love her and would do anything for her, but you can't be doing this. It isn't healthy, it's completely selfish on her part and you need closure.

 

I know it's hard. I know right now you can't even conceive just accepting it's over for good. It's almost impossible, especially when you've loved so passionately. I know you can't face the idea of her not being in your life right now. All this hope is taking you back to square one. It's cruel that the most simple of things to do is the absolute hardest - going NC. It's the worst pain i've ever felt. I wake up every morning alone and look out my window and feel the heaviness set in, thinking about her being next to me, still asleep. But i promise, every morning that heaviness is lightened ever so slightly until you start feeling better and better. The first weeks of NC are absolute torture, but you WILL start to see the light.

We're all in this together brother. We will get through this.

 

If you want her back on her own accord, you have no other choice but to let it go. I mean REALLY let it go.

[robinseggblue]

False hope is the biggest impediment to moving on, so it's best to not give yourself any.

 

I had to really decide if I was going to reply as I felt I should to this. I decided I should so here goes:

 

Sometimes, when I am relaxing after work, reading these threads, I hit upon a sentence that just stands out to me. It startles me. This sentence is one of those.

 

What is false hope anyway? I decided that I was uncomfortable with this term, that made no sense to me, so I looked it up. My dictionary says that HOPE is defined as "a feeling that what is wanted will happen" or "desire accompanied by expectation". FALSE is defined as "not true" "incorrect" or "wrong"

 

Can a feeling be "incorrect"?

Can a desire be "not true"?

Can an expectation be "wrong"?

 

Not to me. I would like to hear the views of others though, because maybe I am just not getting it.

 

I am always intrigued by pessimists points of view. I very rarely agree with them, but I want to make sure that I am not making a mistake by not agreeing with them, so I always try to understand their viewpoint.

 

"It's best not to give yourself any hope, since what you desire may not happen"

 

I'm hoping that this is an accurate translation of the aforementioned quote.

 

Isn't hope used best, precisely when there are fears associated with the future? What am I missing here?

 

A tenet of pessimism is that you should not hope for a desired outcome, just in case it doesn't happen, so that you are not then disappointed. Of course, a self fulfilling prophecy tends to come into play, and the pessimist is then "rewarded" with the outcome that they expected.

 

Being pessimistic is akin to wearing a coat of armor. But the problem is that the armor signals your enemy that you are doing battle and sometimes engages you in a war. (The war that you expected) Whereas, if you had not donned the armor, the enemy might have just continued on about their business and you would be safe anyway, without evening having to fight. Being pessimistic is really just asking for trouble so to speak. I also see it as a lot of work. I already work too much at my job.

 

What are pessimists shielding themselves from? Hurt I suppose. I think most of us reading this are hurting. So what? Are we dead? No. Are we dying? No. Are we living? yes. Are we learning? yes. Are we toughening up a little? YES. Not bad things.

 

I know this is a bad example, but I like to stand out in the rain sometimes and not take shelter. It feels exhilarating. Because it is. It feels even better if it pours. It feels like LIFE. But you have to have the right mindset to enjoy it. It is possible to enjoy your pain. Really feel it. It is temporary, which automatically makes it not that big of a deal. Really.

Edited April 15, 2011 by robinseggblue

[hunk]

Great insight robin. I think that scene from Swingers accurately sums up what you've said in that last paragraph. That only when the pain and longing and hope has gone, once you've truly gotten over it, you start to miss it. You miss the pain, because, like your ex, you lived with it for so long. You grew with it. You learned from it.

[robinseggblue]

She loves the security of you, because to be honest even though you didn't show obvious signs of wanting to get back together at your dinner, she will be able to tell indefinitely you want her back. The fact you even went speaks volumes for her.

 

"How can she ask me to dinner and then just disappear again?"

 

The answer to this question is the quote above. She was buying time. Or rather, seeing if there was any time available for purchase. As I mentioned, women are very perceptive of men's non-verbal language. If I was her, the hug that you greeted her with as you described it, would have been all I needed to know, about how you felt. You could have been mum for the rest of the night.

 

It was not a "mistake". But it bought her some thinking and feeling time. It would be a mistake at this point.

[GreenPolicy]

robin - I'll put it this way. I don't know what the future holds. None of us does. My ex might one day resurface in my life wanting to rekindle things. It's possible. But if you click on my name and read my story, it's just not very likely. So when I say it's best not to indulge in false hope, I'm saying that it's unhealthy and holding yourself back to pine for something that is not very likely and is not realistic. So you might say "false" is just semantics.

 

Most breakups are permanent. It's true, sometimes things do get rekindled. But it does me no good to think that I'm going to be part of that 5 percent of couples that get a second shot and make it work. I would like nothing more than for the ex to come back, things to be different, and she and I can ride off into the sunset together as the credits roll. I would love to have the Hollywood ending. But should I put my life on hold and wait for this to happen? Isn't a better use of my energies to do everything I can to learn from this relationship, strive for spiritual, mental and emotional growth, and channel that towards eventually meeting and falling in love with somebody else? I have no reason to be optimistic that my ex will ever want to come back, and even if she did, I couldn't trust her. I'd never feel confident about the relationship or its future. I'd always be walking on eggshells wondering if she is going to bail again unexpectedly. I want something that my ex is not, but that for a time I thought she was.

 

Hope is a very good coping tool fresh out of a breakup, when our mind and heart cannot handle and process the magnitude of what has happened. But it is a lousy healing tool, and at a certain point there is no more reason to indulge in it. And if you want to one day have a successful second shot at rekindling things with an ex, you have to be healed. And a big part of healing is accepting that the relationship is over and that for now at least, the door is slammed shut.

[GreenPolicy]

I wanted my ex back for a long time, and in a way, I still do. I want a version of her that doesn't freak out and bail. But that person doesn't exist and it might be a very long time before a proximate version of that person emerges, and by then, she'll probably start fresh with a clean slate with somebody else than rekindle things with me.

 

I'm not sure what I want anymore - my brain wants to fast-forward to a time when I will not hurt over this anymore, and I can be the carefree, optimistic and happy person I was when I met her, and when I was with her, regardless of my relationship status. But my heart wants to rewind back to the good ol' days with her. Well neither of these options are available. The clock doesn't run backwards, and you can't hit the fast-forward button either.

 

For a time I indulged a fantasy scenario that she would come back, she'd make certain gestures that indicated she was sorry and had come to realize what she had given up when she kicked me to the curb, and she'd work with me to rebuild trust and rebuild our bond. I guess that's the "false hope" that I was speaking of. This is such a .001 percent fantasy scenario that I have no business spending mental energy on.

[robinseggblue]

"I'm saying that it's unhealthy and holding yourself back to pine for something that is not very likely and is not realistic.

 

I don't think it's a good idea to "hold yourself back" or "pine" either.

 

I would like nothing more than for the ex to come back, things to be different, and she and I can ride off into the sunset together as the credits roll. I would love to have the Hollywood ending.

This sounds lovely. Tuck this thought into the back of your mind. You don't have to eradicate it fully do you?

 

But should I put my life on hold and wait for this to happen?

Of course not! You are much too busy for that aren't you? You have people to meet, girls to flirt with, sports to play, and rainstorms to stand in.

 

 

Isn't a better use of my energies to do everything I can to learn from this relationship, strive for spiritual, mental and emotional growth, and channel that towards eventually meeting and falling in love with somebody else?

 

Absolutely. But I must point out that "better use of my energies" is a bit misleading. I think you'll find that tucking a pleasant thought into a small pocket of your brain takes little, if any energy.

 

I have no reason to be optimistic that my ex will ever want to come back, and even if she did, I couldn't trust her. I'd never feel confident about the relationship or its future. I'd always be walking on eggshells wondering if she is going to bail again unexpectedly. I want something that my ex is not, but that for a time I thought she was.

 

Can you picture a scenario where she returns and completely changes your mind about all of this? I can think of a few.

 

Hope is a very good coping tool fresh out of a breakup, when our mind and heart cannot handle and process the magnitude of what has happened. But it is a lousy healing tool, and at a certain point there is no more reason to indulge in it. And if you want to one day have a successful second shot at rekindling things with an ex, you have to be healed. And a big part of healing is accepting that the relationship is over and that for now at least, the door is slammed shut.

 

I am beginning to think that we all should meet for that round of beer that someone suggested. I think I might be in over my head here, and may need to meet you in person to transfer the required positive energy. After all I can't smile after everything I say here, unless I use these emoticons, which really are a poor substitute.

[Ajax]

I

Can a feeling be "incorrect"?

Can a desire be "not true"?

Can an expectation be "wrong"?

 

Not to me. I would like to hear the views of others though, because maybe I am just not getting it.

 

 

"It's best not to give yourself any hope, since what you desire may not happen"

 

 

Isn't hope used best, precisely when there are fears associated with the future? What am I missing here?

 

A tenet of pessimism is that you should not hope for a desired outcome, just in case it doesn't happen, so that you are not then disappointed. Of course, a self fulfilling prophecy tends to come into play, and the pessimist is then "rewarded" with the outcome that they expected.

 

.

 

Clearly not all of these quotes are in context, Robinsegg, but I thought I'd try to respond.

 

Hope can be poison. Expectations can be undesirable, especially when we're hurting.

 

I "hope" my ex returns. She won't. Why waste th energy?

 

I "hope" she feels a little of the pain she delt me.

 

I "hope" her current relationship fails.

 

I "hope" she falls flat on her face.

 

I "hope" she realizes she made a mistake.

 

I "hope" she makes contact.

 

I "hope" I don't respond.

[AnonyMOUSE18]

You guys are discussing the exact thing that has been plaguing me -- I've asked friends, family, counselors, and people here about HOW to go about healing and moving on, but not giving up on the potential possibility for a second chance later on. Everyone, so far, has pretty much said that the door has to shut, and hope needs to go away for healing to occur. That doesn't mean that it never comes back -- it just means that you let it go for a while and don't use it as a security blanket.

 

Someone on facebook posted the below story in a note a few days ago, and I enjoyed reading it, even if it is a little silly. Here it is:

 

--------------

 

"Letting Go is Necessary to Experience Miracles"

 

This is a story about a kid and his toy firetruck. The boy loved the firetruck, he took it everywhere and played with it all the time. One day it broke. He went crying to his mother, "Mommy my firetruck is broken." She told him to pray to God to fix it. The little boy went to bed that night and he was holding his firetruck so tight saying, "Please God...please fix my firetruck...please." He woke up the next day, remembered his firetruck...it was still broken. He ran out to his mother and was crying, "Mommy my firetruck!! It is still broken." "Pray to God to fix it baby," she said. This went on another night. He held the truck tight and prayed so hard with all his heart. He woke up and it was still broken. That night the little boy was very tired and fell asleep. He didn't bring his toy truck to bed. He woke up the next day, walked into the living room and right there on the floor was his firetruck...it looked brand new. It had been fixed. The mother could not fix the truck when he was holding onto it so so so tight. He had to let it go and God worked through his mother to help put it back together.

 

-----------

 

So, yeah, I do think that we need to cultivate possibilities and not cling so hard onto what we want fixed. Miracles can happen if you let go and trust in the future. Trusting in the future is a kind of hope, but it's not a specific goal-oriented type of hope -- it's a more relaxed positive attitude that the future will bring us wonderful things we can't even really conceive of right now. Does that make sense? I would never want to have no hope - that sounds awful. It just seems like we need to hope for something broader and more expansive than simply our ex coming back and saying what we want them to say.

 

I hope this helps!

 

Hugs,

Hilarie / Scraggle

[MissBennett]

Okay so sidetracking a little bit I'm going to go back to something that Robinsegg said

 

"women are very perceptive of men's non-verbal language. If I was her, the hug that you greeted her with as you described it, would have been all I needed to know, about how you felt."

 

yes, this is what I thought too.... but apparently I was wrong...? at least that's what I have been lead to believe. Of course it's not quite so simple as that, but very basically, even after being cautious of trusting what I thought I "knew" then it just being so obvious I was sure I "knew" apparently that's not the case at all...?

 

So Robinsegg/everyone else, can I trust my women's intuition or not?

 

(Ultimately it doesnt really matter, but in order to satisfy my curiousity and join a few dots, I'd be interested in perspectives)

 

p.s. Hey everyone long time stalker of the thread

[1784]

Okay, okay... I'm thinking a little more clearly this morning. I got some decent sleep and I feel like I'm being a little more realistic with myself. I was all over the place yesterday and I apologize for my schizophrenic posts.

 

I took some time last night to skim through this entire thread. It was pretty enlightening to do so. It makes you understand why therapists don't see their patients every day. Instead they see then once a week so that whatever they've gone over in their session has had time to stick. Sometimes instant gratification is counter-productive because you move from one thing to the next to the next without giving each individual thing time to sink in. I was scrambling yesterday. This is going to stop.

 

So then where am I? What do I know? What don't I know?

 

Well I think I've been reaching for straws a bit. All of your good advice has been just that - good/great. And I think I've taken each post to heart. But at the same time I've been eagerly awaiting the next post. What that means is that I'm waiting for something that's never going to come. An alternate reality. I just have to face facts. I know all I need to know about the situation, what she was incapable of, the decision that she came to, etc. This is all I really have to see and accept. Going further into it is just me trying to find answers that are all going to be theory instead of fact. I could hypothetically do this forever. I'm not gonna do that. It's stupid, damaging and counter productive. Life is too short to go around crying over spilled milk and I'm not 18 anymore. I'm 35. As far as I know this is the only life that we get. Everything else is speculation. I need to live it... for myself. Not for someone who told me "I give up". F that. You give up? Go ahead then. Follow your path and I'll follow mine.

 

I do have to go on without her. I think that even though I thought I wasn't waiting on her... I was to a certain extent. I think this had a lot to do with me seeing her most recently. I'm human. Seeing her definitely took me away from working on me and got me thinking about 'us' again. Well there is no us anymore. That was just two people having dinner, sadly enough. I'm tired of waiting to live. I feel like I've been in this sort of limbo. Not going towards her but not walking away from her. Limbo is a terrible place to be. Nothing gets done there. I'm leaving limbo. I'm walking towards my new life. If she chooses to contact me then I'll just deal with that then. Maybe she'll come to some conclusions that warrant a second look. Maybe she won't. I just can't wait for that any longer. I just can't. I can't have nights like last night anymore because I realize that she is not doing this to me. I am doing this to me. And I need to take better care of myself.

 

So while I am not "shutting the door" I have decided to look away from it. I'm walking into another room and doing my own thing. Doors are rarely bolted shut anyway. I think I tried to put this on the back burner when I needed to take it off the stove completely. That's just what I have to do. I have hope. You know what I'm hoping for? I'm hoping for the best. The best for ME.