Houston, We Have Contact

[MidnightinMadrid]

Ya know, I want to completely agree with you, but I don't. I've read enough about NC on this forum and from other resources to understand that it is a necessary coping strategy - for my own recovery. I see the logic in it and have been implementing it over the last month. And ALAS, she was the one who reached out and threw me a scrap to chew on.

 

What I don't agree with is the business-like mentality of handling her contact. This is where I feel the LS mob mentality affects everyone. This is a person we're talking about. The relationship did not end "badly", it was just really sad that it did end. And yes, she was the one who ultimately decided to throw in the towel; but we were both teetering on this decision. Anyway, she reached out last night with what I feel was genuine emotion. She may be looking for her ego to be stroked but I don't think it's purposeful. I think she misses me. I think she MAY be having second thoughts (can't tell). It just wouldn't be me (the me I know and the me that she knows) to send a message that said "Why exactly are you contacting me"? I know why she's contacting me. Because she's hurting just like I am. I'm not saying that I should respond to her, because I haven't. But sending her a message that sounds like we've having a virtual business meeting? That just doesn't work for me. While the message behind it is, well, accurate, I'm not sure that's the way I want to go about conveying it.

 

I know everyone says "If she really wants to get back with you then she'll KNOCK DOWN YOUR DOOR to do it. Nothing will stop her". Pardon my doubts but this is not something she'd ever do. I think "breadcrumbs" is the only way she'll really check the waters. Maybe you'll all say "well then she never really wanted you enough", and maybe you'd be right. Obviously I'm confused and I'm trying to make sense out of everything in front of me (responses on LS, what my own insides are telling me, what she says or doesn't say, etc).

 

I appreciate the advice. I really do. That's why I'm here asking questions. There's just a part of me that doubts that NC is the end all be all of getting someone back. Like it's this magic formula. So of course I have to ask questions. I just don't want to lose the possibility of reconciling. POSSIBILITY. I just don't want to lose the chance by missing green lights. That's all.

 

Sorry for the rant. I'm just questioning a little but of everything right now. I don't know what to do.

 

1784,I applaud you for following your gut,instead of the mob mentality of dont break NC till they break down your door.

I finally heard from mine after months and months also but i didnt get the I miss you,he's not the type to say it right away like that,so all sizes of NC doesnt fit all.

I would ask you for your advice when can i respond,i dont want to repeat the last time i responded right away,my gut says to wait a bit.

Follow what yours say,but wait a bit yourself.

I'm not sure if i would say i miss you too,idont know,thats easy to fall into the trap of wanting more than they would give,but its also a good sign since she came out and say it.

I would say thanks,thats sweet of you,always hope youre doing well. Thats another way of saying i miss you too.

My thing if they did the dumping dont be an open door,i know even other wise posters said so.

[TryTryAgain]

You make very valid points with respect to the timing of the dinner. I forgot that she was away this weekend, thus ruling out any kind of meetup.

 

I guess I don't see any reason not to accept the offer then. However, to keep some control of the situation I might say something like, "Yes, that would be good. I'll call you early next week to discuss." I think saying something like that will also hopefully prevent her from going "plans crazy."

 

You're in really good shape right now.

[danrs]

ANOTHER update...

 

She just texted me literally a couple of minutes ago. I had bought a dinner for us at a fancy restaurant some time ago. It expires the Saturday after this coming. She mentioned that the coupon is about to expire and she was wondering if I had any interest in using it next week (us going to dinner).

 

Thoughts? When should I respond? Should I say yes (I am assuming that I should)?

 

This all sounds good, but may be moving too fast.

 

Did she say use it together, or is she hinting at you giving it to her if you're not going to use it?

 

I agree with TryTryAgain. So the coupon is good for another 12 days or so? Plenty of time. Maybe mention going out for a coffe or drink first and see where that takes you guys?

 

It seems to be a good sign, but jumping right from a phone conversation to dinner? It seems obvious she's using the coupon expiring as an excuse to get you to dinner...so that's good. But a long dinner may leave too much time open that needs to be filled with conversation. Invevitably, it will be filled with relationship talk at some point. Are you ready for that? We know you want it, but are you "ready" for it. Unless you can pull it off in a cool manner, you're not ready for it and it could backfire seriously. If you start blubbering at the table and confessing you missed her like crazy at the first mention from her of possibly getting back together, we're all going to hunt you down and bitsh slap the hell outta you!

 

If you do it, I'd answer in a nonchalant way. Something to the effect of "Hmmm, ok, let me see what day works for me (not for her) and I'll get back to you (then wait at least a day or two before getting back to her). I think a dinner might be okay as long as you don't start throwing your food at me. Because I warn you, I'm accurate as hell with a spoon of mashed potatoes...."

 

Don't jump on this. Wait for some other responses from other posters. No need to get right back to her. She needs to think you're contemplating this and are unsure. She NEEDS to think that if you're going to jump right into dinner with her this fast.

 

Keep her on her toes and guessing, but in a good way.

Edited March 28, 2011 by danrs

[suddendumpee]

I agree this is a bit fast and I fear you are setting yourself up for another failure. 30 days NC is NOTHING. You have not changed and neither has she. Not to the extent to make this work. Nobody can have the kind of growth needed to make a successful round 2 in only 30 days and without playing the field a bit.

[danrs]

And remember!!!!! NC got you this far. You're out of NC (as long as she isn't playing games), but that doesn't mean go back to normal contact.

 

Remember...she dumped you! You are doing fine now, and unsure about letting her back in your life and giving her another chance to break your heart. KEEP that attitude. Even if you know differently, she CAN'T know you're on pins and needles waiting to see where this goes. You are now "confident, independant, don't need anyone" man! Yes, it's too bad things hadn't worked out differently, you did obvioulsy care for her at one point and have thought about her, but you don't need her! If she jumps through the right hoops, you may give her one last chance to prove she's worth giving her another chance! Of course don't TELL her this, but this is what your attitude should display to her.

[TryTryAgain]

If you start blubbering at the table and confessing you missed her like crazy at the first mention from her of possibly getting back together, we're all going to hunt you down and bitsh slap the hell outta you!

 

Good point to keep in mind. Once my ex started hinting at getting back together, I started confessing to her how I thought about her non-stop and that I always loved her no matter what. If I could do it over again, I would have kept those comments to myself and just let things progress a little more naturally. I should have treated it like we it was a brand new relationship.

[Rose T]

I appreciate the response. She is very money conscious. It's purely coincidence that this coupon this expires next week. This is how she thinks, though - always. If you were to ask her she'd just tell you that yes she wants to see me but she also sees no reason why we should waste the discount. Believe me, this is how she is. She's all about coupons, discounts, etc. Let's not read too much into that part of it, okay?

 

You know her better than anyone here, and this is good information. From what you're saying, she could be being pragmatic about the coupon and wanting to hang out with you at the same time, but she's your ex - she shouldn't get girlfriend benefits like free dinners at the moment, right?

 

So I would just hold back for a moment. Sure, you may (and probably will) go for that dinner, but don't let her know just yet. She has to earn it. I'd suggest going for a coffee like the others, and then see if you feel she "deserves" the dinner date. One step at a time.

[1784]

Okay now you guys are freaking me out a bit. Let me tell you how I see it and then you can tell me what you think.

 

First off. I don't remember the exact details of the Groupon thing. She's all about that sort of stuff and I'm really not. If I did pay for it, based on how she is, she would either split it with me or cover the rest of the bill. That's how she is. She wouldn't let me pay for the whole thing nor would she expect it unless I absolutely insisted. So please stop analyzing that to death.

 

Secondly, based on our talk last night this dinner would be the next step in reconnecting. This does NOT mean she wants me back nor that I want her back. This is just a convenient way to set up a dinner. I think that this "deadline" gave her a convenient excuse to set something up, which, I believe, she wanted to do. After all, she is the one who found it necessary to reach out to me again this morning after we just spoke last night. She obviously is doing all the reaching out and I think that's a good sign. Me accepting a dinner invitation is just that. SHE is the one who initiated contact, she's the one who is keeping contact going and she is the one taking leaps of faith. It's all in my court to either accept or reject those things.

 

Thirdly, I have no intention of discussing the relationship. Since this would be our first face to face encounter, if the relationship were to come up, I would politely ask her if we could just enjoy the evening with this being our first meet up. That there would be plenty of time to discuss such things should we get to that point.

 

I see no reason why I wouldn't accept the invite. Again, SHE is the one putting herself out there with this. Not me. If I had invited HER out then that would be fast and desperate. I think be her taking the risk that she's the one who is "knocking down my door". Isn't that the religion you all preach? Well, she's making moves. If I go to dinner I have no obligation to her whatsoever except to eat and enjoy her company. I also feel pretty good about the fact that I wouldn't just blubber about how much I miss her, the relationship, etc. I've learned so much from these forums that I think I'd be going into this with a good strategy/perspective.

 

I like that it's roughly 2 weeks away too. Like I said, it gives us both time to digest where we are and where we want to be.

 

What say you?

[1784]

Oh, and one more thing. I'm the one who is supposed to be this confident, happy-go-lucky guy now. How would it appear to her if I showed cold feet in accepting her offer? I mean, she may actually start going backwards. That wouldn't send the right message. The message that i WANT to send is that, "Yeah, sure, that would be FINE. No skin off my nose. It's just dinner. Sounds good".

 

I think retreating would send the WRONG message and get me nowhere except further away from what I am seeking - which is the opportunity to see if this could work.

[danrs]

Oh, and one more thing. I'm the one who is supposed to be this confident, happy-go-lucky guy now. How would it appear to her if I showed cold feet in accepting her offer? I mean, she may actually start going backwards. That wouldn't send the right message. The message that i WANT to send is that, "Yeah, sure, that would be FINE. No skin off my nose. It's just dinner. Sounds good".

 

I think retreating would send the WRONG message and get me nowhere except further away from what I am seeking - which is the opportunity to see if this could work.

 

I don't see a problem with accepting...but, you can't APPEAR so sure about it. You've got 2 weeks until "D-Day". In those two weeks, she can't be left thinking you're chomping at the bit for this to happen. I don't think you need to retreat, but you need to pull back a bit. Push and Pull....keep her curious and guessing. Just a little bit. Show some uncertainty. Or let her think there is some uncertainty. Not responding right away, etc.

 

A dinner so soon is not "ideal", but that's where you're at, so run with it. Or rather "walk" with it. The wrong message to send is that "sure, you stomped on my heart, but I'll welcome you back with open arms to do it again". You haven't done that yet, but just don't start to do that is what everyone is saying I think.

 

The reason I think most think the dinner is too soon is two reasons:

 

1. It sends the message you're fine with sitting over a long dinner with her and enjoying her "company" when you should be a little pizzed with her still. If you can pull off nonchalance during the dinner and not get mushy, it will be okay.

 

2. It is too long for a first meet. There will be a lot of pressure on you to keep things indifferent and not "go there" with the relationship talk. If she brings it up, and you say "well, I'd like to think about it a bit", instead of a nice hug goodbye at that point where you go your seperate ways to think (which will drive her nuts waiting on your answer), you're still trapped in a dinner you can't conveniently walk away from. She'll have time to analyze your answer (or rather lack of), and start coming back with "what do you need to think about", and "why do you need to think, you don't love me", etc., etc. It's a recipie for an argument if you ask me. Too much time to try and keep up casual conversation (which is to show her you're approachable, confident, have moved on etc., at this point, and NOT to discuss reconcilliation right away) while having to ignore the "elephant in the room"...which is talk about the relationship.

 

Just remember, if it goes there, and you agree to try again at this point, it was too easy for her. It needs to be harder so she will think long and hard before she ditches you again. The goal is not just reconcilliation, but also making sure she does not take you so lightly in the future if you do reconcile. Make it too easy for her, and she will not fear walking away again when she is having doubts. She needs to believe that the next time she walks away, there will be no third chance, because here second chance was not given to her on a silver platter. Again, not that you have done that, but just be guarded against doing so.

[TryTryAgain]

I still think you'll be okay in accepting the offer as long as you can maintain the confident, happy-go-lucky guy persona.

 

I think we all generally agree that meeting in person is the obvious next step. Whether it's over dinner, drinks, or coffee, you will certainly be able to get a better read off of her in person. Who knows if the setting, alloted time for the meeting, etc. even matters. None of us know. The key point to remember is that at some point you two are going to run out of "catching up" topics and the relationship will come up. Given her aggressiveness thus far, I would expect that she will likely bring it up over dinner. Even if you politely defer the topic to a later time, she may press the issue. You may be put in a position to hear her out. With just coffee or drinks, it's much more casual and easier to walk away when the "relationship" comes up.

[1784]

All valid points again, danrs. You've been very consistent in your advice and have been very responsive when I needed responses most. I can't really thank you enough.

 

Okay, I mean I know I'm going to accept. I've already made up my mind about that. Of course I haven't accepted yet. I want her to have to wait for the response and think there's a possibility that I won't go along with it. Yeah, it's a game but to be perfectly honest, I AM still deciding. So it's not really a game. I just want to be sure it's the right decision for me at this time; which is why I am bouncing it off all of you.

 

I don't see how she'd think I was chomping at the bit. If anything, SHE Is chomping at the bit. She texted. She wanted to talk. She wants to go to dinner. With every reach she makes I have the opportunity to decline her. And with each contact (the last 2 days) I have come off as confident, okay and aloof. I have shown no signs of desperation or sadness. She was the one who was basically starting to sob when we got off the phone last night, not me. To me, she is coming off as someone who wants to make sure she doesn't lose this opportunity. and believe me, I'm not going to make it easy for her. We may go to dinner but this is going to be a casual affair. In fact, I'm GLAD that it's at a fancy restaurant because she'll remember just how good it feels to be at a place like this with me.

 

A long dinner may not be "ideal" but you're right - it's where I am right now. I think if I decide to leave it then I'm making a mistake. I may want her to think that I'm not a sure thing anymore but I don't want her to feel as if I'm unwilling. Like I said, I have NO intention of making this a get back together quick scheme. She will know that in no uncertain terms.

 

She did mention something last night on the phone. She said "I have to be careful". It was in regards to something she was sharing about how she was feeling. So she is guarded too. And I think that's good. We both should be guarded right now. That's how I want it. I'm not ready to go back to where we were. A lot of things were undone with this whole breakup and I'm not about to allow her full access to me, my feelings or my life. This is dinner. That's all it is.

 

I am fine with sitting over a long dinner with her. As long as I'm careful I have nothing to worry about. If she broaches the subject of "us" she'll clearly learn that I'll change the topic. i think given the situation we're in this is acceptable. and believe me, if she doesn't think it IS acceptable she'll say so. And if she DOES say so then I'll just tell her that I'm simply not ready to go there with her yet.

 

I think she's worried that she is losing me. That's the feeling I get. This isn't what I am making myself see. This is what I honestly heard from her in her words, tone, etc. And you know what? That's a good thing. She should feel that way because she was losing me. She has a chance to prove to ME what she has. And I'm allowing her to do so. I'm measuring and weighing HER. That's my attitude going into this.

 

I hear all that you're saying. And you'll be hearing from me probably every day until we DO go to dinner - lol. Bank on that! I'm gonna need your help from now until dinner so I beg of you, don't let me down. You've been invaluable. Thanks so much for your advice.

Edited March 28, 2011 by 1784

[1784]

@ TryTryAgain

 

I have every intention of being that confident, happy-go-lucky me. It's not just for her either. This is how I was BEFORE her. This is the guy she fell in love with. I made the mistake of losing that guy and I don't plan on doing it ever again. I like this guy. He's been with me for most of my adult life. She's just a girl. I am the star of this movie. She is the co-star (for the moment). I lost sight of that before. I was catering to her every whim. This was a mistake and I know it caused her to lose respect for me. Well, the respect seems to be back.

 

I have to see her. It IS the logical next step. To be honest, coffee would actually be too short. I know we'd go after work, meet up, have some coffee and be on our merry way. I think that would actually leave me MORE confused then if we had the chance to sit down, sit with one another and just be together. I don't really know how the conversation will go. I do plan on having several topics in my back pocket, though, just in case. I think it will all go a lot smoother and faster than we all think. It's really east to sit here and analyze this distant evening. It'll be fine. We've had literally hundreds of dinners. Plus, I can talk (almost as much as I can write, lol).

 

I hear what you're saying about coffee or drinks. It makes perfect sense and I'm probably arguing with you because that's really not on the table right now. So be it. Dinner is fine. I'll make it work for me. And if it doesn't, it doesn't. I'd rather have the chance than none at all. I guess that's what it comes down to.

[danrs]

If she broaches the subject of "us" she'll clearly learn that I'll change the topic. i think given the situation we're in this is acceptable. and believe me, if she doesn't think it IS acceptable she'll say so. And if she DOES say so then I'll just tell her that I'm simply not ready to go there with her yet.

 

 

I wouldn't avoid it like the plague if she keeps bringing it up, and it sounds like she will, but I would avoid giving her an answer or rehashing old arguments like the plague. If she talks about it, keep it light. Yes, you've obviously thought about her too. Yes, you wonder if (maybe at this point you can say "wish") things could have turned out different. Maybe you could see giving it another chance, but you'd really have to think about it. This wasn't easy for you and you need to think about it and believe she's serious, etc., etc.

 

Just don't be forced into an answer, be forced into reopening old wounds, and don't get in an argument whatever you do! She may be impatient for an answer. Just calmy let her know you just have not really given it much thought because you took her for her word it was over, and needed to concentrate on moving on for your own good...and you hadn't been concentrating on getting her back, so you need some time to think about it. Maybe tell her this was "unexpected", and she's catching you "off guard" with this or something. Tell her you'd like to consider it, but this is a lot to think about and you can't do it in an hour over dinner.

 

None of this will blow your chances. Even if she got pizzed you're not giving her an answer, I'd virtually guarantee she'd be calling again within a week.

 

And then keep things fun and keep her smiling. If she starts crying because you haven't given her an answer (or because she's feeling bad she ended it), tell her with a smile and a wink that whatever happens it will be allright, let's take it slow and see where it goes, and then start cracking jokes with her. Reasure her with having a fun, nice, converstion with her, but I wouldn't commit to anything beyond that. Make sure she enjoys herself, and then tell her you enjoyed meeting up with her at the end. She'll walk away flustered beyond belief and will once again be looking at her phone waiting for you to call. After a day or so, she won't be able to take it and will call you.

 

If that's how it goes, and you give her another shot, be certain of one thing...she'll not so easily kick you to the curb again.

 

Remember...people want what they have to work for. Make her "work" for it by not being easy. Don't be an azz (but you already know that), but just don't be easy.

 

It almost sounds like she's looking at the bait. If she is, hook her, don't force it and break the line, reel her in slowly, and get her in the net!

 

(Her "I need to be careful" comment sounds promising, but remember, this could be nothing more than her wanting an opportunity to ease her guilt about dumping you. Remember that, guard yourself, and don't get any hopes up until she says the words "I want another chance".)

 

 

Anyone feel free to correct me if you think this is the wrong approach. But with the type of woman he is explaining she is (she sounds like my ex a bit), this is the way I'd try to approach it.

Edited March 28, 2011 by danrs

[TryTryAgain]

danrs - I think you're whole assessment is pretty spot on given the information we have.

[1784]

Obviously I can't avoid it altogether. This could lead to conflict and that's the last thing we need. If it does indeed come up then I'll be sure to express what you said, which I thought was sage advice - that it was unexpected due to the fact that I had been concentrating on moving on with my life without her. Because of recent events I need more time to assess what my future may hold. I think that's fair enough. Hell, it's the truth. All I was doing was trying to figure things out minus one. If she expects me to consider all that again then I'll need some time to do that.

 

That's what I pretty much did last night. When we were sort of on the precipice of "relationship talk" when she asked me "what have you been thinking" I just gave her a bit of a speech about how I was working on being happy with myself, without her. I explained that THAT was what I was left with and I couldn't just go sitting around wondering about her. I had to wonder about me.

 

I have every intention of keeping things fun. I just want to have an enjoyable dinner with her. I know it won't be exactly like a first date but that's how I'm going to treat it. I want/need her to get to know the new me. I know it's only been a month and some people say that's too short a time but I can honestly say that my thinking is very much different right now than it was in January. We've been NC for a month but we broke up in January. It's been enough time for me to assess myself and what I want. If that doesn't work for her then that doesn't work for me.

 

I certainly plan on making her work for it. If it ever comes down to a conversation about us (in the future) you can bet your arse that she'll know exactly what she is and is not getting. I made it too easy for her last time. That won't happen again.

 

I know I'm doing a lot of tough talk here. I really am serious, though. I won't accept less than what I want. This time around I have no hesitation about saying "This is just not going to work". There are no guarantees. We already said goodbye once. If we do decide to try again I don't plan on going into it all nervous. I'm not going through all of this again for nothing. Because i could just as easily find someone else and iot would surely be a lot easier than all of this planning and strategy and anxiety. But, I wan to see if this can work and I'm willing to be sure either way. Feelings like this don't come around every day. I don't take that for granted. Perhaps she did and now she's realizing that she shouldn't have.

 

It's dinner. Hopefully it'll be enjoyable. I think if it isn't then I'm going to have to take a step back and rethink what I want and what I'm willing to do. Again, I'm ok with that. I have to be. It's reality.

[TryTryAgain]

I'm cheering you on, man. Keep us posted.

[1784]

I certainly will. I have a feeling things will cool down for a bit now. She has something to look forward to and therefore she won't be reaching out for much until that happens. It's cool. I understand that. It's amazing how much psychology goes into all of this - lol.

[Feelin Frisky]

You could do what I did, run to her, knock the door down, carry her upstairs and make mad passionate love. Then a month will roll by and we'll have terrible fights, break up for good again and then 28 days would go by and repeat the same scenario. Decide what you really want and just go for it. I'm glad cell phones weren't an everyone thing when my scenario played out. I moved away finally to get her to stop calling me or showing up unannounced at my apt. Got a different job too. What a pain in the @ss getting her out of my life.

[MsNatalie]

I think there is a fine line between using NC to heal/get over someone and as a game to get them back. What if she knew you saw her text and decided not to reply because you were doing the NC thing? She'd be really hurt. Maybe a short "miss you too" or maybe just a smile back would be nice... She may get that and have gotten what she needs and not contact you again for awhile. Will that hurt you? Or she may take that as her in to reveal even more. Just make sure if YOU are not ready to do more than that, don't. Be prepared that you may not get a response if you respond, and don't EXPECT anything. Otherwise you may undo any and all healing you have done this far.

[1784]

I'm just trying to play it smart. I know that if I were to see her and become a bundle of emotion that it would bring us right back to where we were. I have no intention of doing that. This meeting that we're having is for us to catch up a bit. Now SHE may not think that but that is what it is going to be. I'm do not plan on making this into a "Let's go over where we are" thing. I'm not ready for that. And if it comes up during dinner then I will let her know that.

 

Please, I need you guys to give me advice that I can use. The fear tactics are starting to get to me. What if you do this? What if she does that? You'll go back to SQUARE ONE. Listen, I know you all mean well. I am going to dinner with her, though. It's set for the Friday after this. 7pm. I need to go into this with confidence, control and a bare bones plan. The contact has already been initiated and it led somewhere I wanted it to lead. Where it goes from here is up in the air. And I'm okay with that.

 

I just need you guys to get me ready for next Friday (no, not the Ice Cube movie). You're making me nervous!!!

Edited March 29, 2011 by 1784

[danrs]

Just relax before then. There are some pitfalls to avoid. It is a little bit of a "minefield", but there aren't a lot of mines to avoid. Just the big ones! And you know what those are.

 

Just run through some scenarios in your mind of what she may say, and have answers or comments ready. But, be prepared, she is a woman, and will likely come at you from a direction at some point you weren't expecting!

 

I think as long as you remain cofident (but not too cocky), have fun, make her laugh a little, and show her you are approachable, the majority of the work is already done! As long as you have a plan to avoid arguments, you don't start getting mopey or sad, and let her bring up any relationship talk, you'll be just fine. And I can't say avoid all conversation talk...just the things that could lead to an argument. If it starts going down the road of her telling you what you did wrong...if she's right, just accept it and move on. If she's wrong just say "listen, I really just wanted to catch up, it is nice to see you, and I don't want to argue about the past. What's done is done, let's just try to forget about it for right now." If you don't argue with her about it, it will start to bring down her defenses even more. Just don't try to argue about it. NOTHING GOOD can come from an argument here, so just don't do it. Don't tell her what she did wrong. She knows. That kind of talk can come after (well after) the reconcilliation talk if either of you can't let go the "wrongs" of the past.

 

Let her lead things, but don't let her lead you down a bad road is all.

 

Be prepared for her to do some crying, and know how you'll react.

 

The two big things you need to avoid are getting emotional during this meeting, and two, jumping at (or initiating any conversation about) any chance to get back together (she needs to do that). If you can do those two things, be fun for her to be with, the rest is gravy, and all in her hands.

 

You've got this! Now stop worrying, and start thinking of conversation topics, and ways to make her smile and laugh. No matter what her intentions are, be it reconcilliation, the "friends talk" or a get together to ease her guilt, if you can do that, she'll walk away with a far better feeling about you than the day she dumped you, and will be even more likely to second guess her decision, like it already at least appears she is. And that's what you want and that should be your goal for this meeting, irregardless of any possibility of reconcilliation.

[1784]

Relax - check (sorta)

Avoid Pitfalls - will do

Run Through Scenarios - doing that

Remain Confident - will do my best

Make Her Laugh - never a problem

Don't Get Mopey or Sad - can do

Relationship Talk - will mostly avoid if I can

Argue - not gonna happen

Let Her Lead Things - only good things

She May Cry - well, she IS a cryer. Used to that

Get Back Together Talk - not yet. Not ready. Too soon

Be Ready for Anything - well, I don't have a choice do I

 

I think I'll be alright. I'm gonna get myself in a good frame of mind, see where it goes and steer this ship the way I see fit... for me. I don't plan on letting her take this somewhere i don't want it to go. If it starts going in a direction that I'm not prepared to go in then I'll just say so. If anything, it's understandable. As far as I'm concerned, I was moving on and then she "showed up" again. She has to realize that she can't just come in and out of my life as she pleases without repercussions. You wanted to "give up"? Well, this is what happens what you do that. If you want things to go forward with us then you'll have to put the time in. It's not a quick fix.

 

Thanks again, danrs. As always, you are an invaluable resource. I hope you stick with me through this. While I know I can get through it alone it's really good knowing that you and everyone else who has contributed to this thread is 'here'. You and TryTryAgain have really been great in your assessments, advice and just being there. I can't thank you enough.

[TryTryAgain]

One thing I also wouldn't lose sight of in any of this is the original reason she walked away. I recall you saying she needed you to choose her. She also said you guys would still be together if you would have just taken the plunge and moved in with her.

 

Hopefully the relationship stuff and breakup doesn't come up on this first go around. But when it eventually does, I just think you need to be prepared to remind her of how she turned her back on you when all you asked for was a little space so that you could deal with the delicate situation with your mother. I'm hoping that this time apart made her realize how selfish she truly was being, and I hope she's the one who brings it up.

 

When I look back on my last reconciliation, I recall my ex saying things like "I just missed you so much," and "I didn't realize how good I had it until you were gone." But she never outright apologized for breaking up with me until I brought it up. I reminded her of all the hurtful things she said and she appeared ashamed and embarrassed. Unfortunately, I now believe she was just pandering to me. I don't doubt that she missed me, but I almost think she would have said anything to get me back to ease her own pain. I'm even a little embarassed to admit this next part, but my ex said that she couldn't guarantee there wouldn't be another breakup in the future, but that we owed it to ourselves to see if this could go somewhere. I was so blind.

 

So for your situation specifically, I guess I would still be thinking about the specifics of the breakup: You moving in with her. Do you still want some time near your mother until things settle down? Could you even possibly fathom moving in with your ex anytime soon after the way she treated you?

 

I just fear that if the whole issue of moving in together isn't eventually brought to the forefront, then you may find yourself back together seemingly taking things slow, and then BAM! "So when are you moving in with me?"

 

1784, I really want this to work out for you. I was so hasty during my last reconciliation and I think it bit me in the butt. I wish I would have had LS back then to help guide me through this. By the sounds of it, you're absorbing all the information on this thread very well. Keep it up.

[1784]

@ TryTryAgain

 

Yes, I've been thinking a lot about this very thing. Our reconciliation, if that's even an option, is going to depend a lot on what we're both able to accept about the situation. My mom's situation hasn't changed and therefore I would not be able to move in with my ex right now. This, while I feel it shouldn't be, is going to be a big bone of contention should we decide to give it another whirl. I really don't know what'll happen but I do know that I'm going to remain true to myself, my situation and what I require. After all, it's not like I'm asking for something so selfish. I'm just asking for some more time to be close to my mom, while she's still around. Me moving an hour away will not work for me. It simply will not. and I'm not going to cave on this. I didn't before and I won't now. I will, however, hear her out if that's what needs to happen. If I'm anything, I'm open minded.

 

Like I said, I hope that this dinner doesn't go "there". I'm not ready for that convo. She already knows where I stand anyway. I know I can't avoid it but considering this will be our first face-to-face I really don't plan on getting into the past. If this is even has a chance of working there are a number of things that need to be rebuilt. I know we're both going to be guarded and I'm fine with that. Even if you take away my mom's health I still wouldn't just up and move in with the girl at this point. If there's any chance of reconciliation then things need to be slowly patched up, and that doesn't happen overnight (or over dinner in this case).

 

Thanks for keeping me on my toes, man. I need that. I don't want to go into this dinner pretending like we don't have a past. I do want to be realistic about what it is, what it isn't, etc. Again, my main objective is to see her, have a good time and take it from there. I'm just trying to be smart, aware and real with myself about this whole thing. I'm trying to do what's best for me. Before I was trying to do what was best for "us" or maybe even what was best for her. I don't have to do that from where I stand right now. SHE is no longer part of the equation. Whether or not she is later is, well, up to us and what we want/don't want.

 

I'm okay with that. I hadn't been for a while and that was part of the problem. Sometimes things just don't work out and you have to accept it. You have no choice. But at least I can not accept it from a position of choice and power instead of just feeling ousted. That means a lot to me.

 

Thanks again for taking the time. You guys are really sticking with me and I hope I can do the same for you.