Can a second chance really work?

[tammy070498]

Me and my guy have been together for almost 6 years, we broke up last summer he cheated on me then realized he made a mistake and came back. Now I am started to really doubt that this is going to work. He constantly has to be around his friends, like I mean we have an apartment and he invites of his friends over and he stays for days on end i tell my guy he got to leave and then he says tell him he got to leave. I mean he can't even be a real man and tell his friend to leave. The other thing is he's been checking out other woman and he thinks I am cool with it. After the fact he cheated on me how could I be cool with it? We now have an apartment together and he lost his job and is getting unemployment and isn't even looking for work. I am sick to my stomach and just don't know what to do anymore. I love him with all my heart but he told me he changed and now it just seems like tha same old thing. I mean 6 years and I am not even engaged. do you really think he will change? I sometimes feel like I made the biggest mistake of mylife by taking him back into my life. Very confused and mised feelings please help!

 

Please any advice...

[Martin Guerrini]

I think you should talk to him about all this. His reaction during and after the conversation will inform your following decision. It looks like you are pretty unsecure right now. If this feeling continues then you should reconsider the relationship.

[bittersweet]

First of all, I want to say I'm in the same situation and have a lot to say but need to head off to work... so I will post later. But, I noticed your screen name and it struck me that it is the day I started going out with my b/f... 070498. Is that your day too (since it has been 6 years for you too?) Anyway, I will reply to your post later

[jjhung]

I broke up w/ my bf of 3 yrs and moved out of the country for 3 yrs. We stopped all contacts during the first 2 yrs and then he called and met me for dinner while he was out there visiting his family at the beginning of yr 3. He kissed me on the back of my neck when we were going down the escalator. Obviously he still had feelings for me, and he sent me roses on my birthday. I was then seeing another guy who wanted to marry me but I found out he was an a**h*** as soon as I said yes and broke it off right before the engagement party. He also sent me flower on my birthday hoping to get back. Instead I came back and my bf broke up with the girl he was dating for 1-1/2 yr and we got back together. A few months afterwards he moved cross country for work and I stayed to finish grad school. During that time, we only saw each other during holidays and talk on the phone once every other day. A few guys were interested in me in school but I never looked. After graduation I moved cross country for him. Fast forward ... we've lived together for 7 years and never got married. But we were just like married only without being official. I finally left him last summer at the end of the 7th year living with him, because I don't love him the same way anymore. We've drifted a part during the last two years and I didn't even want to marry him anymore, so what's the point to stay together?

 

So to answer your question, yes, second chance works, but only to the extent how you maintain your future relationship. But it is best that you've been separated for a long period of time and have dated other people to find out if your feelings are still mutually strong enough to get back together.

[bittersweet]

How long was it after he cheated until you took him back? I think this is important because I didn't even really break-up with my b/f when he cheated. They really need the time to feel your pain and they need to see you differently. At the moment a person decides to cheat, something happens in their mind. Everything that is special about you gets buried and they devalue you so they have no guilt. Depending on how long they cheat or how many times- each day they do it, you become less precious and they lose more respect for the relationship. They are constantly destroying you in their mind... they will start making up excuses so they don't feel like they are doing anything wrong. Meanwhile, you don't know a thing. When the time finally comes and you find out... you all the sudden become "real" again.

 

What I'm trying to say is that when someone cheats, I think they force them self to dislike the one they cheat on just so they don't feel bad about what they are doing. They obviously have no respect for you... you seem week and unsatisfying just so they can justify what they did. While you were split up, he really needed to rethink about everything and see you in a "different" way. He needed to realize what he lost. He needs to really regret what he did and take all the blame.

 

I stayed, like a fool and my b/f never had the chance to erase the false feelings he created in order to cheat. This happened a month ago and 2 weeks later... he went back to her... then begged for me back... then told me the other day he's not happy with me and we need time apart. He knew how much he hurt me and by staying with him so easily, he couldn't gain back his respect for me that he use to have for the 6 years.

 

If your b/f is not looking at you a little different or appreciative that you are still around then you need to get out now, and let time heal the wounds. He needs to understand that what he did was very wrong and very hurtful to you. He needs to say "you didn't deserve that and I'm sorry." Don't let him put any blame on you. That's what mine did, and look what happened!

 

I know this post is a little confusing

You need to compare the way he acted while he was cheating to the way he acts now. Has he changed? If he hasn't, you are putting yourself in a bad position. If he has, then let all your defenses down and let things go for the sake of the relationship. Don't hold anything against him unless you have a reason to believe he is messing around NOW.