2 months NC, feel low & just need to vent.

[jonny77]

I go to university. My ex was my first and only love. We were only together for 2 years, after 1.5 years she slept with a 'friend' whilst drunk. I decided to call things off, and she did all the psycho stuff, the stalking etc. We eventually got back together a couple of months later, I had slept with somebody else on campus by this point.

 

I know that I shouldn't have given her another chance and moved on the first time, but I was weak... she was my first love... I loved her. Things were different, and 5 months ago she left me for one of my 'friends' ... she replaced me. The replacement was going on behind my back and when I eventually found out they had been together before we ended I did some crazy things myself. I wrote her love letters, I cried for her, I begged for her, I even called her really nasty things... I was so lost.

 

Thing is she was texting me at the same time telling me she loved me, and was 'lost' and 'confused' and like the sucker I am for her I fell for it, she was just feeding her ego, she craves attention and boy was I giving it her with love letters and buying gifts for her etc.

 

I kept contact for about 2 months, and it was torture, I have never felt so low, the pictures of them together on facebook doing everything we used to do. The constant thoughts of them sleeping together, going out to the same student union and seeing them together dirty dancing...

 

I hit an all time low, I drank, I smoked... I took it all the wrong way. I eventually got myself together and sent her a really good letter to end us on and give me closure, but then when she eventually called crying saying she couldn't believe what she had done it turned nasty and the last thing I called her was a selfish whore and the last thing she said to me was that she hated me... I kind of lost the closure the letter gave me, ending it like a 'bigger man' the last thing I said was horrible and petty.

 

I found out the importance of no contact through this forum, unfortunately it was too little too late, the damage had already been done (to my ego, not even contemplating the thought of it winning her back, that's not the intention of no contact) but obviously with all the name calling and stalking it had pushed her interest levels to 0% ... I can see why.

 

I have learned a lot, and I am getting over her each day. I have not moved on, but I am getting there, I have been no contact for 2 months, go the gym every day, and look after myself. I have shied away for these 2 months, I cannot handle seeing them together, whenever I go lecture I run the risk of seeing them together and it literally sets me back days. I deleted every mutual friend out of my life, I have lots of spare time at night when they all go out drinking, I know that they are together, I keep away for my own sake... Why would I want to see them together.

So it's been 2 months no contact since then, and I have not heard a word from her, nor have I tried to contact her. I accept it's over, I'm just having a weak day today. I saw her in the corridor last week and we both just completely blanked each other, it's like we never existed. I know why this is happening, it just sucks and I need to tell somebody

 

Even though she left me, I suppose I was the one who ultimately initiated the hardcore no contact, I did it for myself to heal and am glad I did it because I was literally dying how things were. I'm so stubborn I can't see myself ever speaking to her again, though it's sad, because after everything, I still feel as though I love her. Do you think that she blanks me because I have decided to write her out of my life? Or do you think that she hates me? Do you think she has feelings for me still, is that at all possible? (No, because she's replaced me and sleeps with another dude) ... I know, I know all the logistics, the whole thing just gets me down sometimes, and my mind wonders.

 

So it was her decision to leave me, and I'm gonna sound like an immature child but I hate how she gets to do everything whilst I'm the one who has to shy away, I hate how she get's to be so happy why I'm so miserable inside, It's unfair I guess, but so is life... I hate how she probably thinks I'm nothing without her.

 

I know a lot of the advice will be why do I care what she thinks, why do I care about her after what she's done to me etc... I suppose I don't care, but I can't completely turn off these thoughts and needed to vent. I don't even know what this post is asking. What I hate the most is that it's been 2 months and not a word, she obviously feels no guilt in what she has done to me, why would she? How can you feel guilty about hurting somebody you no longer cared about...

 

I have contemplated sending her a text at times, but I know that silence says it all. I just hate the whole situation

 

Thankyou for reading.

[love is dangerous]

i feel sorry for you this must suck so bad, being at university . have you heard that song breakeven by the script , decribes your situation completely. i wish i could help you and i hated the saying time is a healer when i went through a break up but it is. you have to try and forget about her , there no point you texting her youll just get hurt me, you two cannot get back together there will be no trust from your end or respect from her end , look what she has put you through , you will find someone else, cut your losses move on . your at university go out and have fun, meet new people and forget about her there a million girls out there.