i'm in love with you, but i'm not ready for a relationship

[Amys]

Okay. So I have turned to a forum for help. I need help.

 

I am going to be 29 in one month. I am in love with a man who is going to be 28 in two months.

 

I met this man in 2006. We dated for about six months. Best relationship of my life. Best sex too. Very compatible. I was very happy. At the time, he was 23/24 and not looking to be too serious. I wasn't either, but I was happy to find someone that I might 'potentially' be serious with someday. We became really close. Met each other's families. Talked about everything. He even brought up "ideas" like kids and marriage and finances. He wanted me to 'open up' to him. He seemed to find everything about me fascinating. But he also said he didn't want a girlfriend and didn't consider us to be dating. And then he turned cold. He couldn't tell me he didn't want to see me anymore. He just started flirting with other people in front of me.

 

So there was a breakup. I told him he was immature and commitment phobic and that he really hurt me. He told me I was special, but he wasn't ready for the 'last relationship of his life.' He felt too inexperienced. I stopped seeing him.

 

Maybe a year or so later he got a girlfriend--someone much younger. He wanted to keep in contact with me, but I ignored him. They dated three years.

 

I never found anyone anyone else I liked half so well as this guy. I've been alone. I did eventually forget about him, though.

 

This summer he contacts me, misses me, wants to see me as a friend. To summarize, he tells me he made a mistake, that I'm special to him, that he thinks about me often and that a relationship with me would be paradise. But he feels broken down and immature and unhappy. His current girlfriend is unsupportive and a repetitive cheater but he doesn't know how to uncommit to her. He really thinks he needs to be single and work on himself, but he wanted me to know that he loves me.

 

I was furious that he said all of this to me with a girlfriend. Eventually if becomes a moot point, though, as she can't stop cheating and breaks up with him. He's a mess.

 

But I fell in love. It took seconds. I was unprepared for it. I didn't do it on purpose. It happened because of the things he said. I swallowed it for awhile, but eventually confessed it to him because I couldn't help it, and he said he loved me too, but I knww he was in no place to reciprocate. I tried to date other people--to great failure and heartache. It's hard to date anyone when you're in love with someone else. Also, I just can't seem to find guys that are 'good' guys that I'm also attracted to...that aren't already in relationships or married.

 

It's just kind of awful. I thought my feelings would fade with time, or that I would meet someone else if I really tried, but they haven't and I haven't. If anything, I love this guy MORE. I learned, much to my surprise, that he makes me feel domestic and maternal and willing to give my time and energy happily. And the less I see him, the more I love him. I think boring stuff about him is fascinating. The thought of doing his laundry excites me.

 

Seven months later I'm still in love. We communicate a little, but not a lot. Emails mostly, and not that often. I've seen him (no sex or anything, just seen him) about five times total. I would see him more, but he's keeping me at bay while recovering from his last relationship. He's also slept with other people since his girlfriend, I just found out (rebounding?) while still saying he loves me.

 

I am confounded. I don't know what to do. I really like this guy. I mean I REALLY like him. I like who he is minus his not wanting to be with me. But I know I deserve someone who can committ to me and I'm not sure he ever will. He says he is not looking for another relationship. I think he means he doesn't want his last relationship, which was emotional hell, I am sure, but it doesn't really make much difference. He thinks the best thing he can do for me is stay away as he knows he'll hurt me. He's not happy with himself and he's not able to treat me right. He thinks he won't be ready to be serious for a number of years.

 

So I should... cut off communication? be his friend and keep him around as a 'possible'? become his lover (b/c it's been YEARS) and THEN let him go? This last option has become recently attractive to me where before it was off limits. I don't know what changed. I guess I feel like I will never feel like this again, and I have never had sex with anyone I was in love with, so maybe it is worth the experience if I am suffering all the emotional consequences anyway?

 

I seriously don't know what I should do.

Edited March 28, 2011 by Amys

[Amys]

seriously. I need help...

[whichwayisup]

He has a girlfriend he doesn't love (so he says) and can't leave. He's got tons of issues and seems like a committment phobie.. As much as you love and want him, he's a broken man inside. He needs to be alone for a while to grow as a person, without relying on a female companion. He needs some counselling too.

 

I wouldn't try to start up anything with him now. He will hurt you.

 

If in the future they've broken up, he's worked on himself, been alone for a while, then possibly 'date' him. Until then, loving him and having him in your life as a friend, or a casual aquaintence is going to cause you more harm than good. It's hard to be around someone you want and can't have.

[Amys]

@whichwayisup

 

Thank you. They are broken up. They broke up last September. It's been about seven months. He is spending his time reconnecting with old friends, ex lovers, coworkers, new people, etc, which is very healthy. He has rebounded sexually, which doesn't bother me.

 

But I think he is still 'broken' as you say and still recovering. I know he's not ready to date me. Or anyone. He knows that and has been very clear about that. I just don't know what I should do. He wants me in his life, but he has told me that he understands if it's too hard and if I have to cut him off. He said point blank that he will hurt me if he dates me, and I appreciate that he didn't sugar coat it or trap me into something he couldn't committ to.

 

He shouldn't have contacted me this summer, telling me he loved me and such. He knows that wasn't fair to me. He says he just had to say it.

 

I really don't know what the best thing is to do. I guess it would be to say goodbye. I am very close to telling him this, but I hesitate because part of me thinks I should wait just a little bit longer. I also want to sleep with him...a lot...which I know has consequences, but it's been so long since anyone touched me, and I fear I will never get the chance again. I know if I do that it's an end of any pretense at 'friendship' and since he doesn't want a girlfriend it is simply an 'end'.

 

I know I have to move on. I just don't know if I could...maybe...have a passionate night first (is that awful? I don't think he'll think less of me for it), or if I should tell him I'm cutting him off? If I should tell him to call me if he ever wants a serious relationship? Or just slip away...?

 

It's the details that get me.

[florence of suburbia]

If he wanted to have sex with you, wouldn't he be making efforts in that direction? Seems to me he has a way with words and you're hearing what you want to hear.

[Amys]

If he wanted to have sex with you, wouldn't he be making efforts in that direction? Seems to me he has a way with words and you're hearing what you want to hear.

 

Oh, he wants to have sex with me. There's no question about that. He has said he has a hard time being around me because he thinks I'm the most attractive thing he has ever laid eyes on and he can't be 'close' without wanting to be 'close'. This attraction goes both ways. The reason he is not chasing me for sex is because he respects me. He thinks I deserve committment. He knows I want committment. He doesn't want to hurt me. He just knows he will.

 

If we slept together, it would be the best sex of my life, though. hand's down.

 

But that doesn't mean I should do it.

[florence of suburbia]

If we slept together, it would be the best sex of my life, though. hand's down.

 

You're probably right that it would be.

 

He has said he has a hard time being around me because he thinks I'm the most attractive thing he has ever laid eyes on and he can't be 'close' without wanting to be 'close'. The reason he is not chasing me for sex is because he respects me. He thinks I deserve committment. He knows I want committment. He doesn't want to hurt me. He just knows he will.

 

The depth of your affection is clear -- you attribute to him the most altruistic of motives. I do hope you're absolutely right and that he's just not ready, but in the mean time you've got to go about your business.

[Amys]

You're probably right that it would be.

 

So I should...? should not...? I know no one can make this decision for me. I just want perspective.

 

The depth of your affection is clear -- you attribute to him the most altruistic of motives. I do hope you're absolutely right and that he's just not ready, but in the mean time you've got to go about your business.

 

I love myself. He doesn't love himself. It's impossible for him to love me as long as that is true. I know I have to go about my business. The question is whether I cut him off, whether I tell him, and whether I can say goodbye...sexually.

[florence of suburbia]

So I should...? should not...? I know no one can make this decision for me. I just want perspective.

 

 

 

I love myself. He doesn't love himself. It's impossible for him to love me as long as that is true. I know I have to go about my business. The question is whether I cut him off, whether I tell him, and whether I can say goodbye...sexually.

 

You're right, no one can answer these questions for you. If you have sex with him you will feel more -- that is, more love+pleasure in the short term, more love+pain when things go south. Will the pain make you regret the pleasure or cherish it all the more? That depends on what sort of person you are.

[Kamille]

He has said he has a hard time being around me because he thinks I'm the most attractive thing he has ever laid eyes on and he can't be 'close' without wanting to be 'close'. This attraction goes both ways. The reason he is not chasing me for sex is because he respects me. He thinks I deserve committment. He knows I want committment. He doesn't want to hurt me. He just knows he will.

 

 

He does have a way with words. He, in fact, sounds manipulative. If he truly respected you and respected the fact that you deserve better than what he can offer, he wouldn't be telling you he loves you, telling you that he can't be close without wanting to be close, etc. If he truly respected you, he wouldn't toy with your emotions like that. He would stay away until he got his act together.

 

And I'm saying this because I've been caught up in similar situations. As such, I know how hard it could be for you to do the best thing for you: to walk away. Tell yourself you deserve better. Tell him you agree you deserve better. Tell him to get in touch with you once he's in a better head space.