Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Yup. You started an entire thread about that. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t247407/ Read the very last line of your OP. It's fascinating going back and re-reading my own threads about particular people (like the arsehole I just dealt with). Have you done the same? Gone back and read what you wrote about him? Got your PM too. I'm not surprised in the slightest! Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 HAHA. NO! At the time, it did weird me out though, He was never able to dominate me anyway. I may be sensitive and introspective, but a weakling, I am not. I stick to my guns.Honestly, if someone ever said that to me, I'd burst out laughing hysterically, then afterwards, put on a Schwartznegger (?) accent and pretend to be the Terminator. Not a pretty sight! Link to post Share on other sites
Author pandagirl Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 Yup. You started an entire thread about that. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t247407/ Read the very last line of your OP. It's fascinating going back and re-reading my own threads about particular people (like the arsehole I just dealt with). Have you done the same? Gone back and read what you wrote about him? Got your PM too. I'm not surprised in the slightest! Oh man, that jogged my memory. Reading that thread also reminded me how he said he didn't "believe in compromise." Oh, ex-boyfriend. You idiot. Link to post Share on other sites
tigressA Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Wow, you really called him out. You're good! Honestly, even though he said he wanted an independent, strong woman, he also wants a Woman, someone who will cater to him. He has a Latin background (not trying to stereotype though), and is the only and eldest son of his family. There were a few things he did in the beginning of our relationship that set off some red flags in me. One was how he said if we ever had daughters, we'd have to get their ears pierced when they were babies. I argued that point, and he basically said, "If I'm their father, it's going to happen." Other little things: he never offered to wash the dishes when I cooked. He never bothered to lift a finger. He really liked it when I "babied" him, like bringing him a drink or whatever. And since this is in my nature to do so -- to take care of people -- it came naturally. He is and wants to be the dominant person. He admired me because I am a strong, smart woman, with ambition and a mind of my own, but I remember whenever we would fight, he'd say, "Ugh, it's because we're too much alike," which I took to mean, that I wasn't a pushover. Oh god, I feel like I stole from your life with my relationship with my ex. This same s*it happened. I remember once when he was in the shower and I cleaned the whole kitchen and made the bed. It took a few minutes for him to notice what I did, and then he said, "Cool, you deserve a hug for that." Deserve a hug?! WTF?! Like I'm some kind of pet?! He didn't even say thank you! :mad: Now I have a guy who not only cooks, but does the dishes afterward. I like to help out when I stay with him but he insists that I'm a guest and I shouldn't have to do anything. TBF, about finding someone with a similar personality--I dated a guy on and off who was much like me. We were really like peas in a pod; he was my best friend...but very little sexual attraction on my side. I think there's something about the challenge of someone who's so different from us that draws us in. It also creates problems, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pandagirl Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 I'd like to say that everyone on this thread has been INCREDIBLY helpful and kind with their advice. I think it's been one of the most insightful threads I've had on here, and I can thank all of you for that. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 I read somewhere that as far as MBTI goes, the "information gathering" letter (N v. S) is the most important and should be a shared trait... and that for the most part, it's better if the others are actually different. Who knows if that's true though. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 I read somewhere that as far as MBTI goes, the "information gathering" letter (N v. S) is the most important and should be a shared trait... and that for the most part, it's better if the others are actually different. Who knows if that's true though. Yes, this is correct. I have even made all my closer friends do the test. ALL of them are Ns. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 TBF, about finding someone with a similar personality--I dated a guy on and off who was much like me. We were really like peas in a pod; he was my best friend...but very little sexual attraction on my side. I think there's something about the challenge of someone who's so different from us that draws us in. It also creates problems, though.While it works for H. and I, where our mutual passion is crazy, it won't work for everyone. But I bolded the word that bothers me. Intellectual challenge is necessary for some. But emotional challenge is unhealthy for all. Link to post Share on other sites
tigressA Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 While it works for H. and I, where our mutual passion is crazy, it won't work for everyone. But I bolded the word that bothers me. Intellectual challenge is necessary for some. But emotional challenge is unhealthy for all. That's very true. I should have BF take the test; I'm curious to see what he is. We're on the same wavelength emotionally, but we express our emotions in different ways. Mine seems much more overt since I'm ruled by my emotions and express them very easily verbally and in writing, while his is more subtle. He's definitely the more rational and laid-back of the two of us. It works out well though, since he doesn't shy away from my feelings (however irrational they may be ) and I never feel like I'm less of a priority to him than I should be. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 That's very true. I should have BF take the test; I'm curious to see what he is. We're on the same wavelength emotionally, but we express our emotions in different ways. Mine seems much more overt since I'm ruled by my emotions and express them very easily verbally and in writing, while his is more subtle. He's definitely the more rational and laid-back of the two of us. It works out well though, since he doesn't shy away from my feelings (however irrational they may be ) and I never feel like I'm less of a priority to him than I should be.As long as the differences are complementary, then it's all good. Do post what type he is. I'm also curious. Link to post Share on other sites
tigressA Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 As long as the differences are complementary, then it's all good. Do post what type he is. I'm also curious. I wouldn't be surprised to find he falls into one of the "rational" types. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Yes, this is correct. I have even made all my closer friends do the test. ALL of them are Ns. I really don't think it means much, to be honest with you. My friends are all across the board, as have been my BFs. One of my BFFs tested today, and she's an ESFJ like me...and let me tell you, she's one of the most emotionally unstable, disorganized, flighty, spontaneous, makes-no-judgments, free-lovin' people I've ever known - in short, my exact opposite. I love her dearly as a friend, but she's honestly nothing like me. Another friend took it a few days ago, and she's an INFP - my exact opposite in every letter, and yet we're like Bobbsey Twins in personality, temperament, everything. So... yeah. I just don't buy into it insofar as relationships are concerned. It wasn't really designed for interpersonal compatibility purposes, anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 I am INFP - we would totally be best friends in real life Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 I wouldn't be surprised to find he falls into one of the "rational" types. You should totally ask him to take it. I made mine take 3 different online ones and asked to send me screen shots of the results together with percentages. He obliged His results were pretty consistent. Link to post Share on other sites
P&R Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 You should totally ask him to take it. I made mine take 3 different online ones and asked to send me screen shots of the results together with percentages. He obliged His results were pretty consistent. Did he ever get anything else? I ask this because I took it 4 times and got ENFP the first time, and INFP all the other times. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 You are probably borderline extrovert/introvert, but I would go with the majority and consider yourself INFP. What type is your gf? Bf got the same all 3 times: INTJ (percentages slightly varied) Link to post Share on other sites
P&R Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 You are probably borderline extrovert/introvert, but I would go with the majority and consider yourself INFP. What type is your gf? Bf got the same all 3 times: INTJ (percentages slightly varied) She is INFP as well. She asked me to do the same thing that you did with your BF. I didn't know what kind of personality she was until I finished my MB tests. Her two best friends, her father, her mother and I are all INFP's. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 She is INFP as well. She asked me to do the same thing that you did with your BF. I didn't know what kind of personality she was until I finished my MB tests. Her two best friends, her father, her mother and I are all INFP's. Haha that's a girly thing to do I guess. You should be the perfect match then (according to MB) Link to post Share on other sites
P&R Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 (edited) Haha that's a girly thing to do I guess. You should be the perfect match then (according to MB) Apparently ENFJ or something like that matches up best with INFP's from what I hear. It is intersting because I instantly clicked with her... It felt like we knew each other for years yet it was only our first meeting. Her mom is also ironically my 4th grade teacher. Edited March 30, 2011 by P&R Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 (edited) Just a note on speaking up. I don't have such a good experience with it. In early stages of relationship, speaking up often leads to conflict and drama which makes men distance themselves. I think the trick is to: 1) Be able to distinguish between what truly is an issue that needs to be addressed as a couple and what might be provoked by one's own inner conflicts. Will solving the issue benefit the relationship or only temporiraly relieve your anxieties? I found, in my own life, that once I could make that distinction and take responsibility for my anxieties, the number of issues in my Rs greatly diminished. Often, I find that in your threads, most of the issues you have are caused by your own anxieties and an interpretation of your dates' actions, not by the actions in and of themselves. 2) Once you've determined that speaking up about an issue has the potential to improve the relationship, then approach the subject in an assertive, confident way. You do have the right to address issues. 3) I also found it best to address issues without having a pre-set intended outcome in mind. But that could be just me: I've heard differing advice. I usually have potential solutions in mind, but really, I think what's important when addressing an issue is to leave room for the other person to come up with a solution, and accept that their solution can be different than mine, and just as effective. Leaving room for a real compromise is key (IME). 4) As TBF pointed out, once you both reach a compromise, then consider the issue solved, until new information arrives. You on the otherhand, question and examine everything. What might work better for you is to find someone who also enjoys questioning and examining everything. Yes, it did. In my head, I'm thinking, I need someone who I wouldn't have to question so MUCH! I agree with the "once something is resolved, it's over" idea. But we never... resolved anything. I don't think I'd be able to handle someone like me. Yes, but someone who has a propensity to examine like you do will at least make you feel heard. And that may be all you need to feel like issues are on their way to being resolved. By the way, from the description of your ex-bf, it sounds like he didn't so much feel that you didn't trust he cared as much about the relationship as you did. It sounds like to him, "trust" meant not questioning any of his decisions. Like I said, the two are linked. First, he wants to be the primary decision maker in the R, second, you question if his decisions really take your needs into account, which in turn makes him feel like you don't trust him to make the best decisions for the relationship. Let's bring it back to "pursuing" styles: that's the thing about needing the security of a man who will commit with confidence early on. In my experience, the early confident "committers" also like to be unquestioned leaders of the R. It's kind of like: "They're in control of their life and they're not going to let anyone get in the way of that". So you either have to be able to accept the program or step out. I remember that with ex, I ended up feeling like an accessory. I truly felt unheard in the relationship. It sucked. I think the best way to avoid attracting or falling for only these kind of men is to work on what triggers a feeling of security for you when you're dating. Edited March 30, 2011 by Kamille Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Thanks Kamille. I made mistakes in previous relationships of speaking up when I don't promptly receive a response to a text, when he re-schedules a date (even with a valid excuse).... This was really my own anxieties but a huge turn off for the guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pandagirl Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 By the way, from the description of your ex-bf, it sounds like he didn't so much feel that you didn't trust he cared as much about the relationship as you did. It sounds like to him, "trust" meant not questioning any of his decisions. Like I said, the two are linked. First, he wants to be the primary decision maker in the R, second, you question if his decisions really take your needs into account, which in turn makes him feel like you don't trust him to make the best decisions for the relationship. You're so good at summarizing my relationship! haha. Yes, this was pretty much the root of all of our fighting. Let's bring it back to "pursuing" styles: that's the thing about needing the security of a man who will commit with confidence early on. In my experience, the early confident "committers" also like to be unquestioned leaders of the R. It's kind of like: "They're in control of their life and they're not going to let anyone get in the way of that". So you either have to be able to accept the program or step out. I remember that with ex, I ended up feeling like an accessory. I truly felt unheard in the relationship. It sucked. I saw this played out in various situations, not just in our relationship. He'd get extremely frustrated angry if something didn't go his way. It was a weird dichotomy between being very laid-back and very, very intense. His computer wasn't working? He'd blow a gasket. The mechanic didn't have his car ready? He get into a yelling fight. And you're right, I felt unheard. Something I'd never really felt up until meeting him. He just wanted, what *he* wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Kamille really did an excellent job of clarifying the situation! But panda, if his temper got triggered so easily to the degree of yelling match, he has some growing up to do. That's not intensity, that's a serious lack of self-control and could manifest in worse ways. The more I read about him, the more I think you might have dodged a silver bullet. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Thanks Kamille. I made mistakes in previous relationships of speaking up when I don't promptly receive a response to a text, when he re-schedules a date (even with a valid excuse).... This was really my own anxieties but a huge turn off for the guys. Again, this thread really isn't about you and your current relationship or relationship anxieties, yet you keep bringing it back to you. This thread is about Panda. She's receiving fabulous advice. Let's keep it that way, fair? Again, if you want to analyze your relationship, start your own thread. Be respectful. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 I think the best way to avoid attracting or falling for only these kind of men is to work on what triggers a feeling of security for you when you're dating. Interesting idea, K. Can you expand on this? Link to post Share on other sites
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