OWoman Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Yesterday's paper had an interesting article on empathy. Posters in this forum on both "sides" accuse each other routinely of lacking empathy. As the author says, how can humans treat other people as objects? How do humans come to switch off their natural feelings of sympathy for a fellow human being who is suffering? APs are accused by some posters here of lacking empathy for the BS, while they in turn accuse those same posters of themselves lacking empathy in how those posters respond to posts on this board. One paragraph in particular struck me as being of particular relevance in this forum: Zero degrees of empathy means you have no awareness of how you come across to others, how to interact with others, or how to anticipate their feelings or reactions. It leaves you feeling mystified by why relationships don't work out, and it creates a deep-seated self-centredness. Other people's thoughts and feelings are just off your radar. It leaves you doomed to do your own thing, in your own little bubble, not just oblivious of other people's feelings and thoughts but oblivious to the idea that there might even be other points of view. The consequence is that you believe 100% in the rightness of your own ideas and beliefs, and judge anyone who does not hold your beliefs as wrong, or stupid. Rather than pointing fingers at other posters, it might behove everyone to read that carefully and consider how it might apply to them - either in their behaviour on this board, or elsewhere. While there are a couple of posters here who spring to mind as the incarnation of empathy and compassion, I would suspect that even those members would have the humility to pause and consider their own behaviour anew. And for those who are interested, there is even an empathy test... Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Interesting!!! I'd love to know how empathetic I am. Will do the test later and post my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I love this post!! I absolutely freaking love this post!! :bunny::bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I love this post!! I absolutely freaking love this post!! :bunny::bunny: gg... I thought of you as I read this. Not maliciously, that's said with a smile, but it reminded me of some posts we've exchanged recently. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I think there would be a lot less affairs if people had empathy for others. It is very much lacking in affair situations. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I think there would be a lot less affairs if people had empathy for others. It is very much lacking in affair situations. For me this was the case - as my empathy for others increased, I saw my involvement in a secret affair differently. I saw how it affected others more clearly. I don't think it is an issue of empathy for everyone -- for a few it seems to be more connected to religion and morality, rather than how one impacts on others more generally -- but being involved in an affair is a painful experience for those who have a lot of empathy and feelings of connectedness toward others. Anyway, empathy for others, both in how we live our lives and how we post on forums, is always something to strive for. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I think there would be a lot less affairs if people had empathy for others. It is very much lacking in affair situations. I feel sad for the injured party in my case, but I also believe that it's done her a favour in the long run, and she brought at least some (most) of it on herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Yesterday's paper had an interesting article on empathy. Posters in this forum on both "sides" accuse each other routinely of lacking empathy. As the author says, APs are accused by some posters here of lacking empathy for the BS, while they in turn accuse those same posters of themselves lacking empathy in how those posters respond to posts on this board. One paragraph in particular struck me as being of particular relevance in this forum: Rather than pointing fingers at other posters, it might behove everyone to read that carefully and consider how it might apply to them - either in their behaviour on this board, or elsewhere. While there are a couple of posters here who spring to mind as the incarnation of empathy and compassion, I would suspect that even those members would have the humility to pause and consider their own behaviour anew. And for those who are interested, there is even an empathy test... That article really strikes a chord with me right now...and was interesting reading. The empathy test was a bit of a hassle to score - and with things like that, I tend to think that people will often respond from a place of how they like to see themselves rather than who they really are. I did try to be obejctive about and honest in the scoring, and got 63. I think when I was younger I'd have got a higher score, but I've had to learn to detach over the years. Too much empathy and overidentifying with other people can lead to burn-out which isn't helpful for anybody. With regard to people at different points of the love triangle understanding eachother better...I suppose my feeling is that an affair situation inevitably draws people into conflict. Probably the type of conflict where the best (ie healthiest) that can be hoped for involves a sort of cool civility between the parties. I haven't really been in the situation other than having been cheated on once (that I know of) by a boyfriend who slept with his female friend. I had been going through a hard time for various reasons (relating to my employment) and this particular woman had adopted a very supportive, caring stance. I'd felt very uncomfortable about that, because I suspected that she was sexually interested in my boyfriend - so I didn't really trust her, but because of the wide eyed empathic approach she was taking I felt guilty for not trusting her. That's probably why I have the feeling I do. There are some situations where it isn't realistic to expect A to trust B...and in those situations B showing a lot of empathy can start to look very false. I would prefer to think in terms of civility and compassion for those situations. They imply slightly more detachment which I think is more appropriate in dealing with somebody whose needs and interests conflict very strongly with your own. Link to post Share on other sites
Atilla the Hungry Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 If I'm not mistaken, what you've quoted pretty much sums up how you've said you felt while having affairs because they "suited your lifestyle." So I humbly suggest you turn that mirror upon yourself. I find it rather saddening that a thread about empathy attracts such nastiness. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Posting with empathy is very easy when one is posting to someone who HAS empathy. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I find it rather saddening that a thread about empathy attracts such nastiness. Atilla the hungry how do you know that was nasty? Maybe the words were the truth. Do you know of the poster they were speaking to? Do you know of her prior posts and her take on affairs? Maybe jthorne was not being nasty but merely pointing out the truth as she sees it. I don't see any nastiness or attack in her words. I just see someone stating what they feel is obvious from previous postings made by the original poster of this thread. Postings that have clearly and emphatically stated that she is unremorseful for having affair after affair after affair with married men with no regard for the betrayed spouse or her family. How can you judge a post to be nasty when you are new and do not know any of the posting history. There is nothing nasty about stating true facts. Welcome to the forum atilla the hungry. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I find it rather saddening that a thread about empathy attracts such nastiness. But I think, isn't that the point that is being made? If we are empathetic, shouldn't we be so in all situations? Do we get to pick and choose the situations where we will apply our empathy and ignore others? Should we expect others to be empathetic to our pain on an anonymous internet forum when some posters may feel our actions are not empathetic to the BS, WS, OM/OW? We may feel we are empathetic, but may or may not apply it to real life actions. And that is the point where the morality and ethics debate launches itself. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Just reality - not nastiness. :laugh: haha we said the same thing in very differnt ways. I think you were much more succinct about it. Link to post Share on other sites
jthorne Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 (edited) I find it rather saddening that a thread about empathy attracts such nastiness. Well, I find hypocrisy distasteful, don't you? I'd say a great many of the OP's posts are actually mocking towards other OW, and very few offer support in regards to an OW's situation- they are primarily "discussion" posts started to cause derision. I see no empathy in that. I posted not to attack or be nasty, but to point out the discrepancy. Edited March 28, 2011 by jthorne Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 (edited) I scored a 46, but I think I graded myself harshly too. which in itself is ironic. Edited March 28, 2011 by dreamingoftigers addition Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 (edited) I think there would be a lot less affairs if people had empathy for others. It is very much lacking in affair situations. I think that the subject of affairs is one that some, usually empathetic, people are unable to find much empathy for. I scored very high on the test. However, if the test was about how much I empathize with those who engage in affairs, my score would have probably been lower. IMO, this board is volatile because of the subject matter, not the individuals who post. Edited March 28, 2011 by herenow Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 With all due respect, this: Zero degrees of empathy means you have no awareness of how you come across to others, how to interact with others, or how to anticipate their feelings or reactions. It leaves you feeling mystified by why relationships don't work out, and it creates a deep-seated self-centredness. Other people's thoughts and feelings are just off your radar. It leaves you doomed to do your own thing, in your own little bubble, not just oblivious of other people's feelings and thoughts but oblivious to the idea that there might even be other points of view. The consequence is that you believe 100% in the rightness of your own ideas and beliefs, and judge anyone who does not hold your beliefs as wrong, or stupid. Especially the last sentence is something that.... never mind. How did you score OWoman? Curious to know. Aint trash talking about someone all the time, disrespecting others for their views or opinions exactly what is being done here? Sad. Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I've seen empathy on here - for those who are Seeking. Those who are boasting and inflamatory appear to be here to make a statement or looking for validation, celebration. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Rather than pointing fingers at other posters, it might behove everyone to read that carefully and consider how it might apply to them - either in their behaviour on this board, or elsewhere. While there are a couple of posters here who spring to mind as the incarnation of empathy and compassion, I would suspect that even those members would have the humility to pause and consider their own behaviour anew. And for those who are interested, there is even an How are we supposed to take the UK seriously in anything? Even the newspapers are so estrogen soaked I feel reading one may cause the pitch of my voice to raise. Taking advice from that is like taking advice from Cosmopolitan Magazine. Look... When I post something that hits with brute force strength... it is meant to be that way. I understand how the other person will most likely read and react to it. I don't need some nansy pansy U.K. newspaper to tell me how to be empathetic. Are there men left in that country anyway? Do they have them all locked up in cages? Ugh... Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 How are we supposed to take the UK seriously in anything? Even the newspapers are so estrogen soaked I feel reading one may cause the pitch of my voice to raise. Taking advice from that is like taking advice from Cosmopolitan Magazine. Look... When I post something that hits with brute force strength... it is meant to be that way. I understand how the other person will most likely read and react to it. I don't need some nansy pansy U.K. newspaper to tell me how to be empathetic. Are there men left in that country anyway? Do they have them all locked up in cages? Ugh... Woah! Tell us how you really feel! Link to post Share on other sites
mizliz Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 But I think, isn't that the point that is being made? If we are empathetic, shouldn't we be so in all situations? Do we get to pick and choose the situations where we will apply our empathy and ignore others? Should we expect others to be empathetic to our pain on an anonymous internet forum when some posters may feel our actions are not empathetic to the BS, WS, OM/OW? We may feel we are empathetic, but may or may not apply it to real life actions. And that is the point where the morality and ethics debate launches itself. Great post! Another poster (Frozensprouts, I think) also brought up the point that empathy is, and I am paraphrasing, not much without actions to back it. So, it's fair to say that any discussion about empathy should include how one conducts themselves in relation to others. Not simply in words but through behaviour. Interesting topic! Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 How are we supposed to take the UK seriously in anything? Even the newspapers are so estrogen soaked.... Sorry to interrupt, but I just noticed that your average daily post count on Loveshack is even higher than mine. Congrats!!!! Look... When I post something that hits with brute force strength... ...on Loveshack... it is meant to be that way. I don't need some nansy pansy U.K. newspaper to tell me how to be empathetic. Of course you don't need some nansy pansy UK newspaper to tell you how to be empathetic cupcake. You know Loveshack will always be here for you, and my empathy score just shot up to 67 in a gesture of moral support. Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 This thread has been quite entertaining and yes informative. I'm really don't mean this as a personal attack, I really don't because there are parts of you OWoman that I really like and agree with (your empowerment of women) so when I saw who started this thread, I was quite shocked and I gotta wonder what was the point. I don't see you as empathetic OWoman.......sorry I just don't. You aren't shy about posting about your many affairs with MM and I've never saw you post anything that was empathetic to a BS and/or children and really I can't think of much of anything else that you've posted related to anything that would cause me to see you as a empathic person even to other OW. In regards to other OW you do post in support of them being in a position of strength and not to be passive, but I still don't see you as empathetic. Of course I don't know you in r/l and all I have is the impression that you leave with your posts ......I find it really odd that you would be the person who posts about empathy. So why.........what is the point? Are you hoping for some to get the hint that they should be more empathetic here or ? Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I think that the subject of affairs is one that some, usually empathetic, people are unable to find much empathy for. I scored very high on the test. However, if the test was about how much I empathize with those who engage in affairs, my score would have probably been lower. IMO, this board is volatile because of the subject matter, not the individuals who post. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/empathy Empathy is not sympathy, or compassion. If you feel less empathy for someone you disapprove, that's not empathy. And your second point is excellent. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 This thread has been quite entertaining and yes informative. I'm really don't mean this as a personal attack, I really don't because there are parts of you OWoman that I really like and agree with (your empowerment of women) so when I saw who started this thread, I was quite shocked and I gotta wonder what was the point. I don't see you as empathetic OWoman.......sorry I just don't. You aren't shy about posting about your many affairs with MM and I've never saw you post anything that was empathetic to a BS and/or children and really I can't think of much of anything else that you've posted related to anything that would cause me to see you as a empathic person even to other OW. In regards to other OW you do post in support of them being in a position of strength and not to be passive, but I still don't see you as empathetic. Of course I don't know you in r/l and all I have is the impression that you leave with your posts ......I find it really odd that you would be the person who posts about empathy. So why.........what is the point? Are you hoping for some to get the hint that they should be more empathetic here or ? BB, with respect, how does choosing a life that includes EMRs mean that a person cannot demonstrate the skill of empathy? I HAVE seen owoman show empathy, I have seen her say things such as 'I can understand that X and Y would leave you feeling like such-and-such, BUT...' for example. Attempting to see things from that person's point of view. Trying to see how and why they would feel like they do. But not VALIDATING those feelings, or condoning them. That is not empathy. We're getting empathy mixed up with being judgmental or condoning something versus encouraging an individual. Link to post Share on other sites
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