Posting with Empathy

[Silly_Girl]

I read your post correctly. Someone else was saying that if they hate cheating, they must be bitter. I believe I touched on the same thought in a previous post. Considering that most of society is anti-affair, it seems a bit close-minded to make that assumption, but ok.

 

I am interested to the answer to your bolded question, though.

 

Where, jthorne?? My reading specs are on and I haven't seen anyone say that. Could you give a post number?

[desertIslandCactus]

It has to do with Preaching that that one is not known for Giving.

[donnamaybe]

Arguing and fighting and not even reading clearly what each other is saying. Taking it in the most ugly way you can. Turning things around and making it say what you want it to say. A bunch of squabbling meant to incite.

As in when it was insinuated that I only keep the friends who do everything I tell them to do?

[jthorne]

Where, jthorne?? My reading specs are on and I haven't seen anyone say that. Could you give a post number?

Here, you said this

I am sorry that your experiences have left you in such a very dark place. I hope it is temporary for you.

which I and another member took that to mean you assumed that the person you were responding to was bitter. Were you not implying that in your post?

 

I frankly, did not read his reposnses as bitter or even dark. I wondered why he wasn't writing in complete sentences, but no matter with that. I thought he was saying what many people in society would say, namely that they don't like cheating.

[OWoman]

The thread was started to incite, provoke - as is this last statement.

 

As the OP, I know better than you why this thread was started. And you happen to be completely wrong. Perhaps if you went back and read the opening post you might realise where your reasoning broke down.

 

This thread was started to do what it said on the tin - to ask members here to reflect on their posting style in order to generate greater empathy in posting. Not that hard to understand, surely

[Bionic Me]

http://www.stephencrippen.com/blog/empathy-sympathy-and-compassion-101/

 

Empathy, sympathy and compassion, I googled 'difference between empathy and compassion' and the above was the first link I clicked.

 

The OP in this thread asked that we perhaps we could exercise empathy as we respond to one another.

 

I have commented on another thread about this. About the error I perceive in posters, that in their 'crusade' to 'protect' OW's from the big bad wolfie MM they take a prescriptive, dictator-like approach. Or are dismissive and take zero interest in what the OW percieves they are benefitting from, by being in an affair. I suggested that perhaps preaching is not useful.

 

That if, instead, posters who are extremely anti-OW, or anti-A in their posts actually took time to empathise with the individual in question, and their individual situation, it may result in more valuable ADVICE and SUPPORT. It may help both the parties as opposed to merely an opportunity for venting. When it happens, it's a wonderful thing. And it does NOT require agreeing with something you don't believe in, or condoning something you find heinous.

 

Some individuals have decided that a person who does something to the detriment of another cannot have empathy. That is ridiculous. I spoke at length today with my guy and my son, separately, but on this subject and thought I'd share....

 

My son and I talked about if someone robbed him. If we were burgled and his favourite, more treasured possesions (his gadgets!!) were stolen. He would be upset and angry. He would want his things back and he would be angry.

 

I asked him how he would feel if the burglar only took his things because they had no money to feed their tiny children. Could my son (aged 14) understand that. He said he could. He said that given the circumstances he could see why that person made that decision. BUT he still didn't want to let him keep the items. He could understand, but he loves his iPad 2 more than he'd like to show compassion to the robber. Rules are rules, in HIS view.

 

As regards my boyfriend, he knows better than most just how much empathy I had/have for his wife. How much I struggled. The nightmares and the upset. The moral dilemma and the confusion. He also knows that, in the end, I decided the 'greater good' was to support the end of a dysfunctional relationship and us to embark on something new and good. Now, I had empathy. I also believe what has happened is the BEST thing for his wife. I believe that deeply, and I could (but won't here) go in to that. As yet, she does not share that opinion, but she is far less opposed to the concept than she was.

 

But essentially, my boyfriend knows me, and his wife. He knows how we each feel about what happened and he knows damn well I had empathy. I didn't feel inclined to stay away from her husband, no, but that does not mean I did not spend considerable time attempting to try her shoes on for size, and my boyfriend will also vouch that a lot of the time my surmisations were pretty much on target. For example, the things I felt she'd find most hurtful, were exactly the things she said to him were the most hurtful.

 

I resent the blanket insults against OW here on the board. From what I can see in the posts, it's quite likely some of those anti-OW posters are capable of being pretty darned nasty... or fantastic, on the other hand.

 

I would never dream of telling my son I hate HIM when he does something bad, but I may well hate something he has done. To judge a person's entire life by one of the dozens of relationships they have is not neccessarily helpful if we're trying to re-educate one another and share experiences. I know of a couple of ex-colleagues who were awful to work with, but seemed to be the epitome of family-orientated away from the office and their dedication to their family seemed inspiring. Yet they'd stab you in the back professionally as soon as pass you the sugar in the office kitchen.

 

Your "boyfriend" has a "Wife"? Fantastic! or pretty darned nasty, on the other hand.

 

Some things never change...

 

After 30+ something pages of insults and pointless justifications, one thing still stands, this board has become 2 cliques. Either you are giddying up with the OW Groupies or you're part the of BS Brigade. Very few people here post with empathy. The rest, create threads after threads of the same nonsense and stick to the same MO. "Empathy" at it's finest just very divided.

 

Pointless...

[OWoman]

*facepalm*

I fell for it again!

 

When did referring to fellow LS members as dark, ignorant and viscious become empathetic? Hypocritical, maybe. Empathetic, not so much.

 

If you paid more attention to reading what was written rather than your own projection of what was written, you'd see that that was not what was said.

 

Nice try with the insults though. Pity you're wrong again

[greengoddess]

Here, you said this

which I and another member took that to mean you assumed that the person you were responding to was bitter. Were you not implying that in your post?

 

I frankly, did not read his reposnses as bitter or even dark. I wondered why he wasn't writing in complete sentences, but no matter with that. I thought he was saying what many people in society would say, namely that they don't like cheating.

 

yes I don't think he even said more than 2 words. Well at a time.

How do you get bitter from 2 words? Although, personally I find the 2 word posts to be rather annoying.

[OWoman]

Well, I thought it was, but it appears to simply be a vehicle for the OP to call us all dark, viscious, and ignorant!

 

Maybe it's just more proof that some are here for exactly the reason they said they were: "to piss people off."

 

If this is meant to imply that I stated ANYWHERE that I was here to "piss people off", I'm calling you on your lies. Please show proof that I said that, or retract and apologise. I am tired of these veiled insults and outright lies. If you cannot tell the truth, please take your nastiness to your own site where your friends appreciate that kind of bitchiness.

 

This thread was meant to stimulate greater reflection and - hopefully - greater empathy. It has been turned, through sustained effort on the part of a few - into a right bitchfest. I find that very sad and very ugly that some people chose to do it. It reflects very badly on their capacity for common decency or the civility and respect they signed up for when they joined here.

[jthorne]

As the OP, I know better than you why this thread was started. And you happen to be completely wrong. Perhaps if you went back and read the opening post you might realise where your reasoning broke down.

 

This thread was started to do what it said on the tin - to ask members here to reflect on their posting style in order to generate greater empathy in posting. Not that hard to understand, surely

Hmm, then could you kindly explain why posts asking you, as the OP, to do the same thing in kind- meaning to reflect upon your own empathy, those posts were removed?

 

That says to me that you really were not interested in a discussion, only to suggest to others how to post. And when they did not respond in the manner you approved of, you called them ignorant. So as DIC said, it's reasonable to conclude the thread was really started to incite and provoke.

[OWoman]

Wow. Been watching this thread.

 

Arguing and fighting and not even reading clearly what each other is saying. Taking it in the most ugly way you can. Turning things around and making it say what you want it to say. A bunch of squabbling meant to incite.

 

So clearly not empathetic. (last part added so as to stay on topic)

 

Agreed.

 

It's very sad that what was started as a genuine attempt to bring some light and hope here has degenerated into another cesspool through personal attacks and nastiness.

[OWoman]

Hmm, then could you kindly explain why posts asking you, as the OP, to do the same thing in kind- meaning to reflect upon your own empathy, those posts were removed?

 

That says to me that you really were not interested in a discussion, only to suggest to others how to post. And when they did not respond in the manner you approved of, you called them ignorant. So as DIC said, it's reasonable to conclude the thread was really started to incite and provoke.

 

If posts were removed it's because they violated the TOS. If you cannot understand why they were in violation, you need to speak to the moderator who removed them. If he had not deemed them offensive, or otherwise unacceptable, they would not have been removed.

 

And, if you read my post, I did not call anyone ignorant. Please pay attention before making accusations.

[OWoman]

It has to do with Preaching that that one is not known for Giving.

 

known to whom? You don't know me, so you cannot make that accusation based on anything other than your own prejudice.

[Silly_Girl]

I am sorry that your experiences have left you in such a very dark place. I hope it is temporary for you.

 

There are some posters on here who seem utter prisoners of their bitterness and that person seemed to be the latest in a long line of similar personalities who I'd tar with the same brush.

 

You misread my post if you're calling me bitter.

 

No I was saying you were saying that he was just bitter. Know what I'm saying? Which now you did just say.

 

 

I read your post correctly. Someone else was saying that if they hate cheating, they must be bitter. I believe I touched on the same thought in a previous post. Considering that most of society is anti-affair, it seems a bit close-minded to make that assumption, but ok.

 

I am interested to the answer to your bolded question, though.

 

Where, jthorne?? My reading specs are on and I haven't seen anyone say that. Could you give a post number?

 

Here, you said this

 

I am sorry that your experiences have left you in such a very dark place. I hope it is temporary for you.

 

which I and another member took that to mean you assumed that the person you were responding to was bitter. Were you not implying that in your post?

 

I frankly, did not read his reposnses as bitter or even dark. I wondered why he wasn't writing in complete sentences, but no matter with that. I thought he was saying what many people in society would say, namely that they don't like cheating.

 

First bolded, I didn't even mention affairs.

 

Second bolded, you allege I said that anyone who hates cheating is bitter.

 

Third bolded, I ask you to tell me where I've said that. (i.e. "anyone that hates cheating is bitter")

 

Fourth bolded.... you can't.

 

It's rather naughty of you to twist things and pretend I have said things. Would you please stop doing it?

[jthorne]

And, if you read my post, I did not call anyone ignorant. Please pay attention before making accusations.

Oh well I guess the world - or at least, that subset represented here - really is a darker, more ignorant and more vicious place than I'd hoped.

..........

[jthorne]

It's rather naughty of you to twist things and pretend I have said things.

Well, I may be naughty, but I twisted nothing. It was a logical conclusion, and I wasn't the only one to come to that conclusion either.

[Silly_Girl]

Well, I may be naughty, but I twisted nothing. It was a logical conclusion, and I wasn't the only one to come to that conclusion either.

 

Okay, never reported you before but I have to now, you're openly LYING about things I have said and it's completely unneccessary. What a shame.

[jthorne]

After 30+ something pages of insults and pointless justifications, one thing still stands, this board has become 2 cliques. Either you are giddying up with the OW Groupies or you're part the of BS Brigade. Very few people here post with empathy. The rest, create threads after threads of the same nonsense and stick to the same MO. "Empathy" at it's finest just very divided.

 

Pointless...

I totally agree with this.

[Jane Deaux]

Sure Donna, that and ALL the rest of the bickering. It's all a bunch of nonsense that has spiraled out of control.

 

And I do mean ALL. I'm not taking sides here. Just saying.

Loveshack gone wild.

It's like watching a LS trainwreck.

[OWoman]

..........

 

Sorry, I wasn't aware that "the world" was regarded as a person in some cultures. I've always regarded it as a planet.

 

Forgive my cultural insensitivity.

[jthorne]

Sure Donna, that and ALL the rest of the bickering. It's all a bunch of nonsense that has spiraled out of control.

 

And I do mean ALL. I'm not taking sides here. Just saying.

Loveshack gone wild.

It's like watching a LS trainwreck.

That's what happens with these so-called "discussion" threads. Usually, that's why they are started. Now, some people will get reported, some will be put in moderated status, and the LS world goes round and round.

 

It's what always happens. So really, one has to wonder why these threads are started in the first place, knowing the eventual outcome.

[desertIslandCactus]

Agreed.

 

It's very sad that what was started as a genuine attempt to bring some light and hope here has degenerated into another cesspool through personal attacks and nastiness.

 

Honestly OW, I would expect the same response had I started a thread on empathy. In order to preach something one must be known for it, in their life and posting..

 

Why not respond to some of the many valid points throughout this entire thread, regarding this.

[desertIslandCactus]

known to whom? You don't know me, so you cannot make that accusation based on anything other than your own prejudice.

 

Based on your posts - and regarding others in your life.

[Bionic Me]

If he's as bright as she says he is, he will most likely figure it out on his own.

 

Sure, parents do things they aren't proud of, but they usually find ways to make them teachable moments, and continue to be positive role models. I'm having trouble figuring out where obtaining a man by having an affair is a teachable moment for positive behavior.

 

 

Whatever happened to "lead by example"?

[donnamaybe]

Honestly OW, I would expect the same response had I started a thread on empathy. In order to preach something one must be known for it, in their life and posting..

 

Why not respond to some of the many valid points throughout this entire thread, regarding this.

I have been waiting for that as well...