Posting with Empathy

[WorldIsYours]

I am glad you are ok in your world of denial.....carry on...perhaps on a different username?

 

The only one in denial is you and the specific group of people you so blindly advocate. I don't recall ever needing your permission to carry on, as this is a public board.

[BB07]

And you think I'm the one who's "narrow-minded.":rolleyes:

 

 

I didn't say narrow minded.....I believe I said one dimensional.

 

I have a little more insight since you answered Dreaming's questions.

 

I find it sad that you would color all BS's who stay with your one shade of color. I also find it sad that with your beliefs as outlined by your answered that you would antagonize instead of offering a helping hand that would still be keeping with your beliefs.

[WorldIsYours]

Ok so , there is no reconciling or repairing the marriage after there was cheating, right? To you, divorce is the answer. BUT, do you care then if the affair partners end up together, would you encourage that-as, in "they deserve each other" kind of "encouragement? Or you just do not think anybody should end up with anybody at this point?

 

They actually do deserve each other, because what they have isn't special and they can give each other sloppy seconds, but then again, at least one of them will cheat with another jerk who has an innocent spouse/SO so.......

[WorldIsYours]

I didn't say narrow minded.....I believe I said one dimensional.

 

Same difference.

 

I have a little more insight since you answered Dreaming's questions.

 

Okay.

 

I find it sad that you would color all BS's who stay with your one shade of color.

 

I find it contradicting that you actually speak on behalf of a party who you're instinctively against. And nothing is wrong with closed-mind because it's just a different perspective with actual facts, unlike yours.

 

I also find it sad that with your beliefs as outlined by your answered that you would antagonize instead of offering a helping hand that would still be keeping with your beliefs.

 

Wait first you said if I don't answer I'm an idiot, but now I answered, I'm still an idiot.

 

I find it horribly sad that you're refusing to see that with my belief, I've been helping those who asked for help. You just don't agree with it because it differs and exposes your hypocritical and rather selfish perception on infidelity instead of just saying you disagree, you think you're winning an argument by stating someone's bitter and ignorant to the OP who's obviously selfish, flagrant, and doesn't care about themselves, or the innocent people they're hurting while engaging in their affair.

[tami-chan]

If she's too young to process the information about your affair, that means she wouldn't understand it. If she doesn't understand it, it can't have any effect on her one way or the other if you did disclose it to her.

 

I don't know if you have kids, but kids recognize who their parents are...so bringing in a third person would be too confusing for her...after all, I live in a society that says a family is compose of one mom, one dad and usually, kids.

 

Now what you may really mean is, she would have understood what an affair is, and that it is bad behavior; and the part that she would not have been able to process is your rationalizations for engaging in it. "Process" meaing: "buy into." Sounds like about the same justification Silly has for not telling her son, either.

 

Well my daughter is STILL a product of a society who is-generally intolerant of affairs-it's on the news, tv, movies, etc.-everything is black and white. As she matures , she is able to recognize that not everything is black and white-in fact, many things fall on the proverbial grey area. I was honest about how ill-equipped I was to deal with many situations in my life, but in the end I did what I did because I believed it was the best thing I could do at that time. She recognized my faults. She recognized my strengths, too.

 

Nope,no shame...just the concern that she would be unable to reconcile my truth with what society dictates.

 

OK first you tried to justify hiding it to protect your kid (which is understandable but still not contradicting "shame"), now it's "people" who are intolerant. Yup. That's "shame." "Shame" is the feeling you have due to other people looking down upon your conduct. ("Guilt" is what you feel internally but is not dependent on anyone else knowing about what you did.) "Shame" is the social aspect. When you don't publicize your bad conduct because you are afraid of what other people will think or how they will react in response, that is about as pretty close to a definition of "shame" as there is going to be.

 

I understand what you are saying. And yes, you are right, I did not feel guilt. I must say you hit that on the nail...Shame is what other people bring on to you. It is from the outside. It is a from of control aggressively perpetuated by people who live their lives on the light of other people lives. I have no shame about how I met my SO. No guilt either.

 

Right. His social circle was not your social circle, so you had no sense of shame when your affair was exposed to his circle. (You were, literally, the "shameless" OW.)

 

Never heard of me being referred to like that...I was the "gorgeous, young Japanese GF :p". But I think his circle was accepting of me because everyone knew their marriage was kaput-perhaps if it wasn't the reception would have been different.

 

By the way have you ever told your child about your affair? If not when do you think she will be old enough to "process"?

 

She is old enough and was told-after all she deserved to know why we were divorcing...we all sat down and she understands. I did not trash her father, her father did not trash me...it was all good. We still have "family" time together-like when her father and I helped move her to her dorm in the univ. Her roommates could not believe we were divorced. She also had a talk with my now SO (xMM). You see, being cheated on does not have to be this "armageddon} of an event. I know it can feel that way, but it is not. I was only 19 when my xH cheated on me and I was devastated...but I made a decision to re-define my marriage and myself...it was not perfect but I survived it without wishing for my xH to "get what he deserved/s".

[tami-chan]

The only one in denial is you and the specific group of people you so blindly advocate. I don't recall ever needing your permission to carry on, as this is a public board.

 

:lmao:..yes, indeed sweetie, it IS a public board! still, I have two words for you: Psych help.

[WorldIsYours]

:lmao:..yes, indeed sweetie, it IS a public board! still, I have two words for you: Psych help.

 

Funny because I was going to suggest the same to you.

[BB07]

..........

 

Same difference.

 

Okay.

 

I find it contradicting that you actually speak on behalf of a party who you're instinctively against. And nothing is wrong with closed-mind because it's just a different perspective with actual facts, unlike yours.

 

Obviously you don't know what you are talking about when it comes to me or my views and if you want to check my posting history you might be enlightened. I'm against infidelity as I have quite a history with it in one form or another. Notice I said in one form or another which does NOT mean I've always been a willing party to it. As for you implying that I'm contradicting myself (implying that I'm against the BS) you are way off the mark. I saw first hand the pain, hurt and devastation that a BS feels and I absolutely accepted my responsibility and part in that and I tried to rectify it the best I could. What happened to me.....changed me, for the better and I won't be part of it again. Do I expect pats on the back, no but I will refute what you say about me when it's wrong. Even with the hard lessons I've learned, I still have compassion and empathy for most OW's and yes the BS. Affairs more often than not bring pain to everyone. I am here to offer my views and sometimes I offer advice on how to get out of one and sometimes I discuss aspects of them. It's my therapy of sorts.

 

 

Wait first you said if I don't answer I'm an idiot, but now I answered, I'm still an idiot.

 

I find it horribly sad that you're refusing to see that with my belief, I've been helping those who asked for help. You just don't agree with it because it differs and exposes your hypocritical and rather selfish perception on infidelity instead of just saying you disagree, you think you're winning an argument by stating someone's bitter and ignorant to the OP who's obviously selfish, flagrant, and doesn't care about themselves, or the innocent people they're hurting while engaging in their affair.

[tami-chan]

They actually do deserve each other, because what they have isn't special and they can give each other sloppy seconds, but then again, at least one of them will cheat with another jerk who has an innocent spouse/SO so.......

 

Not special according to YOU...yes, of course, since you know the depth of their feelings......and boy ,the post above is really froth with positive feelings.

[WorldIsYours]

Obviously you don't know what you are talking about when it comes to me or my views and if you want to check my posting history you might be enlightened.

 

I have and I'm not impressed.

 

I'm against infidelity as I have quite a history with it in one form or another. Notice I said in one form or another which does NOT mean I've always been a willing party to it.

 

You have always been a willing party to it if you were helping to dish out the pain. I've seen all of your threads and your history with it and I gotta say, you have quite a record.

 

As for you implying that I'm contradicting myself (implying that I'm against the BS) you are way off the mark. I saw first hand the pain, hurt and devastation that a BS feels and I absolutely accepted my responsibility and part in that and I tried to rectify it the best I could.

 

To the best of your abilities or actually doing what was right?

 

What happened to me.....changed me, for the better and I won't be part of it again.

 

So why still against BSs when they come on this forum to post?

 

Do I expect pats on the back, no but I will refute what you say about me when it's wrong. Even with the hard lessons I've learned, I still have compassion and empathy for most OW's and yes the BS.

 

And I, as always, will refute what you say about me when it's wrong. There's no compassion for both a cheater and a betrayed spouse, it's one or the other. That's like saying "Oh I support your decision to keeping having sex with the MM" and telling the BW "Oh dear sweetie, you must accept that this OW will be a part of your marriage. Maybe you three can have an open marriage someday and be happy, rosey, dinky-kinky together.":rolleyes:

 

Affairs more often than not bring pain to everyone.

 

Affairs only bring pain to those who did not cheat.

 

I am here to offer my views and sometimes I offer advice on how to get out of one and sometimes I discuss aspects of them. It's my therapy of sorts.

 

There's only one way to get out of them and only one aspect of it. There's no need for long, drawn out paragraphs rationalizing an affair but telling the OP he/she still needs to leave. And the only aspects about affairs is selfishness, disrespect, and betrayal.

[White Flower]

Why you have so many posts

Why you have hardly any?

[WorldIsYours]

Not special according to YOU...yes, of course, since you know the depth of their feelings......and boy ,the post above is really froth with positive feelings.

 

To YOU it's special knowing two people destroyed one or two previous relationships just to live in a house together and ****. I, and REAL BSs know the depths of their feelings. "Oh honey don't you love we're together even though we left our families behind? Leaving my d*ckless husband for your true love is the best decision I've ever made! Yay!":lmao::lmao:

[BB07]

WIY coughed up this hairball and said, I have and I'm not impressed.

 

I'm not here to impress you or anyone else nor do I have an agenda other than previously stated.

 

 

You have always been a willing party to it if you were helping to dish out the pain. I've seen all of your threads and your history with it and I gotta say, you have quite a record.

 

Are you delusional?

 

To the best of your abilities or actually doing what was right?

 

Both I would say.

 

So why still against BSs when they come on this forum to post?

 

How you get that I'm against a BS is beyond my comprehension.

 

 

 

And I, as always, will refute what you say about me when it's wrong. There's no compassion for both a cheater and a betrayed spouse, it's one or the other. That's like saying "Oh I support your decision to keeping having sex with the MM" and telling the BW "Oh dear sweetie, you must accept that this OW will be a part of your marriage. Maybe you three can have an open marriage someday and be happy, rosey, dinky-kinky together.":rolleyes:

 

OH hell I'm not even going to bother with that one as I've explained clearly before my stance.

 

Affairs only bring pain to those who did not cheat.

 

Most people disagree with that after the dust has settled. I find it strange that you are blind to the pain demonstrated here every day by all parties. You are a very strange bird, indeed.

 

 

There's only one way to get out of them and only one aspect of it. There's no need for long, drawn out paragraphs rationalizing an affair but telling the OP he/she still needs to leave. And the only aspects about affairs is selfishness, disrespect, and betrayal.

[tami-chan]

To YOU it's special knowing two people destroyed one or two previous relationships just to live in a house together and ****. I, and REAL BSs know the depths of their feelings. "Oh honey don't you love we're together even though we left our families behind? Leaving my d*ckless husband for your true love is the best decision I've ever made! Yay!":lmao::lmao:

 

Not in my situation. No families were destroyed or left behind-that is why we can all get together without animosity. But calm down with the verbiage, people might think you are angry and bitter.

 

Anyhow, I don't know everybody's (or anybody's , for that matter) situation well enough to say their relationship is special or not special. But you know, I was a BS,too and I realized that the BS holds the key for a smooth transition. If the BS decides to be angry forever...then the transition is going to be difficult....but...life is too short...live and let live-gather all the good things about you and live the life you want or desire...why anchor your life on someone who could not be faithful to you?

 

BTW, what's with the bolded responses? are you yelling?

[WorldIsYours]

I'm not here to impress you or anyone else nor do I have an agenda other than previously stated.

 

I don't cough on balls unlike some folks. If you're not here to impress me, why type that big ole' paragraph?

 

 

Are you delusional?

 

Are you delusional?

 

 

 

Both I would say.

 

There is no "both." There's only your way and the right way and from your reply, I can see you didn't choose the latter.

 

 

 

How you get that I'm against a BS is beyond my comprehension.

 

Ahh no it's not.

 

OH hell I'm not even going to bother with that one as I've explained clearly before my stance.

 

I rest my case.

 

Most people disagree with that after the dust has settled. I find it strange that you are blind to the pain demonstrated here every day by all parties.

 

I don't find it so strange you validate these people's selfish decisions. All parties are not hurt except for the betrayed.

 

You are a very strange bird, indeed.

 

Cheaters are the rats and I'm glad to be the bird because I'm above them, and I eat em for breakfast.

[WorldIsYours]

Not in my situation. No families were destroyed or left behind-that is why we can all get together without animosity.

 

Well in your situation both you and your husband both cheated.

 

But calm down with the verbiage, people might think you are angry and bitter.

 

The bitter argument is so old and baseless.

 

Anyhow, I don't know everybody's (or anybody's , for that matter) situation well enough to say their relationship is special or not special. But you know, I was a BS,too and I realized that the BS holds the key for a smooth transition.

 

And it's kind of sad really that you were cheated on, but lowered your self-worth by cheating.

 

If the BS decides to be angry forever...then the transition is going to be difficult....but...life is too short...live and let live-gather all the good things about you and live the life you want or desire...why anchor your life on someone who could not be faithful to you?

 

As said before the bitter argument is useless.

 

BTW, what's with the bolded responses? are you yelling?

 

So because I put my responses in bold I'm yelling? You people are too technical.

[BB07]

Wiy said.........Snip, snip, snip

 

There is no "both." There's only your way and the right way and from your reply, I can see you didn't choose the latter.

 

OH do tell what do you propose I should have done?

[WorldIsYours]

OH do tell what do you propose I should have done?

 

Well what do you think you should've honestly done besides calling yourself "working with the BW" to try to relieve your guilt of cheating and getting involved with the loser? What do you think you should've honestly done the first time you and he got into a sexually-charged conversation?

[tami-chan]

The bitter argument is so old and baseless.

 

Is it?

 

And it's kind of sad really that you were cheated on, but lowered your self-worth by cheating.

 

I was very sad when I found out-beyond sad. But you know , I had an infant child who was dependent on me to not "lose it"-it was a motivating factor to re-define the marriage and my role/myself. For more than a decade I was faithful to the marriage, albeit celibate,too. It was ok-all in good time. I was more than just a wife who was cheated on by her husband! The good thing about "self-worth" is it is dependent on me. The only people who hold that "cheating" ax on anyone's head are those who cannot move on from being cheated on or being hurt from an affair situation....and truly, their opinions don't really hold water with me...just because they are allowing the hurt to define their lives...it's a waste and talk about self-worth being down the dumps!

 

So because I put my responses in bold I'm yelling? You people are too technical.

 

Usually, that's what it means..but I am not sure if you were yelling that's why I asked.

[BB07]

Well what do you think you should've honestly done besides calling yourself "working with the BW" to try to relieve your guilt of cheating and getting involved with the loser? What do you think you should've honestly done the first time you and he got into a sexually-charged conversation?

 

 

LOL......I knew you'd bring up the before and that would be what you'd focus on. Since you obviously have missed the boat, I'll say it one more time for you.

 

I regret the whole thing, wish it had never happened. I regret that my boundaries were poor enough that I allowed myself to start dating what I thought was a (separated man). FYI......there were no sexually charged or deep conversations until we starting dating. I deeply regret my part in hurting the BS.

 

So I'll ask you again, what in your opinion could I have done differently after the fact? And don't give a flip silly answer about working with the BS as that was way off the mark.

[WorldIsYours]

Is it?

 

Yes it is.

 

 

 

I was very sad when I found out-beyond sad. But you know , I had an infant child who was dependent on me to not "lose it"-it was a motivating factor to re-define the marriage and my role/myself.

 

So instead of being a mature mother for your child you used it to try and rationalize going into a revenge affair.

 

For more than a decade I was faithful to the marriage, albeit celibate,too. It was ok-all in good time. I was more than just a wife who was cheated on by her husband! The good thing about "self-worth" is it is dependent on me. The only people who hold that "cheating" ax on anyone's head are those who cannot move on from being cheated on or being hurt from an affair situation....and truly, their opinions don't really hold water with me...just because they are allowing the hurt to define their lives...it's a waste and talk about self-worth being down the dumps!

 

Being faithful and celibate doesn't cut you letting your emotions get the best of you and making a situation worse by cheating. You had the upper-hand and you had your child so you should've divorced him right there, not cheating when your kid needs you the most. Parents don't give up their responsibilities as a guide and guardian to their children when times get hard.

 

Usually, that's what it means..but I am not sure if you were yelling that's why I asked.

 

Putting letters in bold never meant yelling.

[WorldIsYours]

LOL......I knew you'd bring up the before and that would be what you'd focus on. Since you obviously have missed the boat, I'll say it one more time for you.

 

LOL!! And how did I know you were going to say that you'd knew I'd bring it up! As stubborn as you are, you bring a good laugh in me sometimes, I'll give you that.

 

I regret the whole thing, wish it had never happened. I regret that my boundaries were poor enough that I allowed myself to start dating what I thought was a (separated man).

 

Aww now it's sad and regretful time. I would probably have a little sympathy if you hadn't tried to rationalize "dating" (which is not dating but still cheating) a separated man, who's still married with a wife at home.

 

 

FYI......there were no sexually charged or deep conversations until we starting dating.

 

but you see, it's not dating. It's still cheating because he's still married. So you mean to tell me that you guys didn't talk about getting together or flirting? One of you just went up to the other and said "Hey, let's fool around and the other agreed and said "Okay! Let's call it dating before we start talking about how we're going to screw each other!:laugh:"

 

I deeply regret my part in hurting the BS.

 

Not so sure about that. I sense some regret but you're still trying to rationlize cheating with a man who was still married at the time.

 

So I'll ask you again, what in your opinion could I have done differently after the fact? And don't give a flip silly answer about working with the BS as that was way off the mark.

 

It was not way off mark it was actually bullseye. You know you should've just went NC with the dude, plain and simple.

[tami-chan]

Yes it is.

 

I disagree.

 

So instead of being a mature mother for your child you used it to try and rationalize going into a revenge affair.

 

No, not revenge. I was indifferent to him in that aspect. I just met somebody I was willing to break conventional rules with.

 

Being faithful and celibate doesn't cut you letting your emotions get the best of you and making a situation worse by cheating. You had the upper-hand and you had your child so you should've divorced him right there, not cheating when your kid needs you the most. Parents don't give up their responsibilities as a guide and guardian to their children when times get hard.

 

No, I did not have the upper hand... or the lower hand, for that matter . That kind of talk is only used by people like you..still hurting, still seeking resolution. I believe I did well in the parenting department- that is why I have a wonderful child(a young adult now, actually)-who has never given me problems, a very good student and a wonderful human being.

 

Putting letters in bold never meant yelling.

 

never, huh? You need to google "netiquette"....live and learn, sweetie.

[dreamingoftigers]

LOL!! And how did I know you were going to say that you'd knew I'd bring it up! As stubborn as you are, you bring a good laugh in me sometimes, I'll give you that.

 

Aww now it's sad and regretful time. I would probably have a little sympathy if you hadn't tried to rationalize "dating" (which is not dating but still cheating) a separated man, who's still married with a wife at home.

 

but you see, it's not dating. It's still cheating because he's still married. So you mean to tell me that you guys didn't talk about getting together or flirting? One of you just went up to the other and said "Hey, let's fool around and the other agreed and said "Okay! Let's call it dating before we start talking about how we're going to screw each other!:laugh:"

 

Not so sure about that. I sense some regret but you're still trying to rationlize cheating with a man who was still married at the time.

 

It was not way off mark it was actually bullseye. You know you should've just went NC with the dude, plain and simple.

 

So to you separated still falls under the cheating mark? Will respond to your opinion post in a bit, appreciate your feedback btw.

[tami-chan]

Because crybabies report them and they get deleted.

 

Donna is not a crybaby...what are you talking about? LOL...I kid....I kid...