What are you supposed to do when they are losing interest?

[Sugarkane]

With the breakup that first brought me here, I was completely blindsided. Since my ex left things completely unresloved between us, I've had to search for answers. Everyone says that you have to become better at seeing the signs of them losing interest in you. But I guess you can only do this by experience.

So if someone does lose interest in you, what are you supposed to do? In hindsight, I did try and talk to my ex. But all he did was make up excuses not to see me etc. He never once told me what was actually annoying him. So what are you supposed to do? If they don't communicate, you can't read someone else's mind.

[PegNosePete]

It takes 2 to make a relationship. If he is not willing to put in the effort then no amount of effort form you can make up for his deficit.

 

If he's lost interest then he's lost interest, you can try to make it more interesting by doing more things together or new things, but if he's just not interested in you as a person, then time to split.

[SummersEve]

When you say ex, do you mean husband or boyfriend? Also, how long were you together? I am often surprised when people seem to almost feel like it's a marriage when they go out with someone for six or eight months.

 

The thing is, until you're married (or have consciously agreed to be a longterm committed couple without making it legal, which is not the same as just living together with no mention of the future, imo) well then what you are actually doing is all a process of trying each other out and deciding on each other for keeps or not, isn't it?

 

At that point, imo, you are not yet at the point of working out any problems, you are still seeing if what's there is anything you want in your futures, as single individuals. It is simply not a joint decision, if you see my point.

 

So no, someone might not give reasons or chances but if he decides to pass on you then that's what he'll do. I think it means you didn't DO anything wrong. You just weren't the right one for him, he just did not see a future with you. I don't think there's any way to predict that or change it. I don't really know what kind of notice he'd give or what he could say that would make any difference, as far as making you feel any better. I feel like the break up things people say usually tend to be lies anyway. You know, "It's not you, it's me," blah blah blah. But I think it would not be totally unexpected, if it was still in the dating stage. After all, they will ALL end, with the possible exception of the one you marry.

 

All that said, I'm sure it does hurt and who wouldn't have wanted at least a hint before it was over that quick. If it was a marriage, then that's different, and he could be expected to offer something more to you. Again, just my opinion. I know it's hard. Good luck.

Edited March 28, 2011 by SummersEve

[Sugarkane]

SummersEve- I'm well aware that we weren't married, we were only together a year. But we were exclusive and he knew how I felt about him. I think I deserved at least a conversation. The way he broke up with me was cruel. He dumped and insulted me by text, blaming everything on me. And completely out of the blue. My original post says it all.

[ALonerAgain]

I'm sure you know that when someone breaks up with you, she/he actually wanted to break up much earlier. If you were together for a year then he definitely wanted to breakup at least a month before he actually broke up. It's likely that he broke up with you this way because he has no feelings for you at all, and built up a slight hatred towards you during the period when he wanted to breakup and when he actually broke up.

 

If a person is losing interest in you then you back off as he/she is getting too much of you and hopefully your absence will bring his/her interest back. If a person has lost interest in you then you back off for good because is over and once it's gone, it's gone.

 

I couldn't agree more.

 

Much as it pains me to think about it, I reckon this is what happened with my ex.

 

However, I don't think it's necessarily hatred towards you as much as frustration at himself for being too cowardly to do it sooner.

 

I just find it weird how guys (and I know some women) get really passive-agressive on you when they want to break-up; spend months/years stewing over it to the point that they become nasty/insensitive/cruel towards you???

[Beeotch]

With the breakup that first brought me here, I was completely blindsided. Since my ex left things completely unresloved between us, I've had to search for answers. Everyone says that you have to become better at seeing the signs of them losing interest in you. But I guess you can only do this by experience.

So if someone does lose interest in you, what are you supposed to do? In hindsight, I did try and talk to my ex. But all he did was make up excuses not to see me etc. He never once told me what was actually annoying him. So what are you supposed to do? If they don't communicate, you can't read someone else's mind.

Nothing...

 

A relationship requires the effort of two people. Both parties have to WANT the relationship and WANT to work it out. One person cannot be responsible for chasing the other or "fighting for" the relationship. Doesn't work. Which is why all these "Get your Ex Back" things are ridiculous, as one cannot GENUINELY make someone want you and want to be with you and put in work for your relationship. You can manipulate someone and twist their arm to stay with you and drag along unhappily until it eventually ends again...but you can't authentically create a fulfilling relationship if you're the only one interested in that. And why would you want to?

 

It is hard to let a relationship go....but the truth is, if someone wants you, nothing will keep them away (or I should say, forever) and if they don't, then nothing will make them stay (forever). It is painful to see someone losing interest and stop communicating etc. I would suggest gently bringing it up and stating your feelings...which will probably lead to a serious talk and the truth on their part or often times asking for space and a break. We often panic at this and wish we hadn't asked and just went along unhappily or cling closer...but if that is what it comes to, you have to truly leave it alone and trust that an unhappy person cannot make you happy. If they don't want to work on things, then you really don't want them anyway and most importantly you cannot make them.

[D78]

With the breakup that first brought me here, I was completely blindsided. Since my ex left things completely unresloved between us, I've had to search for answers. Everyone says that you have to become better at seeing the signs of them losing interest in you. But I guess you can only do this by experience.

So if someone does lose interest in you, what are you supposed to do? In hindsight, I did try and talk to my ex. But all he did was make up excuses not to see me etc. He never once told me what was actually annoying him. So what are you supposed to do? If they don't communicate, you can't read someone else's mind.

 

After 11ish years with my ex, when I asked him a question and he answered, I believed his answer. He hadn't let me down in the past. I wouldn't have stayed if I didn't trust him.

 

So, when I asked him what was bothering him and he said nothing, I believed it. The thing is, I asked more than once. I asked specific questions, I asked open questions, I dropped hints... (this lasted a month, not as long as it probably sounds).

 

I've been in your shoes, wondering what I should have done differently, so I can have a better relationship in the future. My answer was pretty simple, yet strangely perfect - if I find myself in this situation again, I will say the following:

 

"I hear you say you love me, and I love you. But I can't be with you if your words don't match your actions. Life has taught me that actions are so much more important than words. When I asked you (a month ago, or whatever), you told me the same thing. Nothing has changed, and I'm more unhappy. There's no point in us being together if we make each other unhappy. So, what's up?"

 

Let him talk, truly listen, change your behavior accordingly if applicable...

 

This wouldn't have changed things in my relationship, I don't think, as things weren't off for very long before the end. But it's the only thing I can think of that I would say differently.

 

And, if you have to have this conversation more than twice, the third time, your conversation is like "d**k I shouldn't have to tell you things 3 times! We're over!" Then tell him to pack his crap in a week and get out. Okay, maybe not... but the 3rd time's a charm, in my future.

 

 

I just find it weird how guys (and I know some women) get really passive-agressive on you when they want to break-up; spend months/years stewing over it to the point that they become nasty/insensitive/cruel towards you???

 

After hanging around here for a whopping 3.5 months, I think men and women do this to one another equally.

 

Now, to be totally sexist, I would like to say - men are discouraged from having or dealing with emotions. Women are praised for having and dealing with emotions. Looking at it in this light, it makes sense why many man (and some women) get really passive-aggressive on you... Kinda like we don't know the rules for football all that well because we weren't raised playing the game, some men are not so well versed on the rules of emotions... Sexism, off.

 

Love,

The Passive-Aggressive King's Ex GF

 

(and, yeah, we talked about the future, if that makes our relationship valid to some of you... we looked forward to putting a bench in the front yard 40 years from now and shaking our fists at folks who don't realize that a 2 month relationship can hurt just as bad as a 2 year relationship or a 12 year relationship... just because the pain is different, doesn't mean it's less real or less crushing IMHO)

[Fufu]

Sometimes you won't even know the truth why they broke up with you, even if they told you the reasons, they might not be the entire truth.

 

To me, it doesn't matter anymore why they lose interest in you and/or why they break up with you.

 

You are accountable for your own happiness, don't let this breakup drown you.

 

If your ex bf really breaks up with you for real, there is only 1 thing you need to do, 1 thing,

 

Move On.

 

You said it, "I'm well aware that we weren't married, we were only together a year. But we were exclusive and he knew how I felt about him. I think I deserved at least a conversation. The way he broke up with me was cruel. He dumped and insulted me by text, blaming everything on me. And completely out of the blue. My original post says it all."

 

Why do you even want to know the answer from this guy who has hurt you so much and blame everything on you? Does knowing the ultimate truth makes you feel better? It won't, because the real truth is he had chosen the break up path.

 

Instead of feeling the WHYS he doing this and he owes you answer, seek the healing journey because at the end of the day, you are answerable to you own well being and happiness.

 

You can do it

Edited March 30, 2011 by Fufu