BEING an OUTCAST....

[longlegzs80]

Tonight I realized something that made me wonder. Anywho, I went out with a bunch of the girls from work for this ones birthday. Now before I begin, all the girls are really outgoing and overall good personalities and just overall great people. Me on the other hand is quiet, never heard or talked over, and never included in conversations. Its almost like they have formed their own click and who cares about SARAH.

 

WEll, tonight was an interesting night. But I totally feel like an outcast and kinda felt like I was treated rude. They all know that I am very quiet and outspoken when needed but their actions tonight towards me were rude.

 

And when I came home, and told my mom that I won't go out with them again and that they were rude and did not talk to me, she said I have to change my ways. She mentioned in the past that I am not friendly, approachable, and afew other things which just basicly makes me feel like I have nothing going for me or I am not good enough. But my mom said that that is just a different crowd that I hung out with and that there are alot of personality differences and that they probubly can sense that I did not want to be there when I was just acting myself.

 

Sooooorrry for being me. Can anyone just accept it or do I have to change my ways to make friends.

[jenny]

no way! friends are the ones who should accept you 'as is' - i hate having to be phony around anyone. i tend to only make friends with other grumplings, so it works out ok, and i can't commit to friends who need me to be something other than i am. no one should have to - i would say dump them rather than adapt to them. it's too easy to lose yourself in groups of people.

[Darkangelism]

No, you should stay you, unless it is social anxiety which eeps you from it then you need meds, but otherwise dont change, there are people that will like you for you. People put up with me all the time, so you shouldnt have a problem. Maybe its just the area that you live in.

[BlockHead]

Sacrificing yourself is too high a price for any friend or friends.

 

My parents are also firm believers of conformity. They even offered to have a psychiatrist turn me into a “normal” person. They just don’t understand.

 

I think what sets me apart from the cliques is I don’t impose or submit my will, and I don’t play their games.

[Karlise]

Well, there's a fine line between 'being yourself' and avoiding learning certain social skills that can make interactions with other people more pleasurable for you.

 

Don't fall into the 'Well, I'm just a nonconformist outcast type' and use that as an excuse not to interact.

 

You should always remain true to yourself. You should express yourself in your own way and be true to your beliefs.

 

That said, if you CONSISTENTLY find yourself on the outside, you may want to take a good look at how you interact with people.

 

Do you give eye contact? Do you listen? Do you ask people questions about themselves? Do you try to have a good time?

 

I myself am more comfortable in small gatherings or one-on-one. I am not fond of big parties as I am not loud and flashy, per se.

I am sort of quirky and 'artsy' according to my friends. I have an oddball sense of humour. I used to ALWAYS feel like an outsider.

 

Then I learned some tricks. I learned them by obseving some of the people I worked with.

Some people are just so good at putting people at ease and making them comfortable.

 

So I observed and learned.

 

My co-worker Joe for example: he wasn't the most ambitious person, nor the best educated. But Joe always said hello to everyone. He always asked about something in your life, whether it was your pet or your spouse. Joe always stopped in for five minutes of chit chat, no matter how busy he was. Joe was open about his life; he shared his feelings and thoughts on things. He organzied social gatherings, invited people to go do things.

Everyone just thought Joe was adorable....because he was so gregarious and friendly!

 

I learned a lot from him.

 

You can be quirky. But you can also learn how to deal with people effectively. It will bring more fun into your life!

And you won't dread parties or social gatherings so much.

 

Hey, some people will ALWAYS be jerks, no matter how great you are. Don't worry about those folks.

But don't shut down, either.

[faux]

Originally posted by longlegzs80

...Can anyone just accept it or do I have to change my ways to make friends.

 

It might be beneficial to you if you would attempt to take more risks in social situations, such as attempting to start up new topics of conversation, or to feel more free to share your opinions. You might find that, once you involve yourself more with others, such interaction may come more naturally to you, and others will perceive you as more approachable and friendly. It is not, however, necessary or correct to try to change yourself in order to please others.

 

I, personally, feel that your friends could have made more of an effort to include you that evening.

[moimeme]

no way! friends are the ones who should accept you 'as is' - i hate having to be phony around anyone.

 

I agree with Karlisle. One could look at it as being 'phony' - or one could be changing things that need changing. If 'being yourself' means being antisocial, uncommunicative, and uninvolved with the people around you, then it is foolish to blame them for not trying to approach you. A lot of 'reserved' people want others to beg them to be part of the action rather than forcing themselves to become more sociable.

 

Bottom line is this: if you prefer not to change, then accept the fact that you will have a difficult time in social situations. You might find some similarly antisocial friends, but they're hard to find and, of course, antisocial.

 

You can't have it both ways.

[jenny]

i think it depends a lot on what you want from your life. i want a larry davidian life, more or less, so choosing to be polite and distant to most people, and committed to the eccentric ones, works very well for me. my friends are the funniest and best people in the world to me.

 

longlegz, what do you want? do you want a larger group of general friends or a select few that you *really* like? the only problem i see is that you liked these people, and wanted to hang out with them, so in that case a little more attention to them might be warranted.

[longlegzs80]

I know everyone has heard this from me. All I want is to be happy in life. I would be content with one really really truely good friend just to hang out with, talk too about anything etc. I have to say that I am not much for the big groups going out thing, but I don't act phony to please others when I do go out either. I just be myself and yes I am all those things such as antisocial, and uncommunicative, but don't expect people to include me. You would think that since everyone knows my ways that they would accept the fact and include me since they were the ones who have asked me to go out.

 

But, I know I have to change my ways. I have to do alot of things, but the motivation is not there. So obviously I like living my life alone and uneventful.

[Darkangelism]

happiness is in the eye of the beholder, you can't be happy if you do not enjoy life, i had a mental breakdown last night, i went and talked with a pysch major, helped me out a whole lot.

[longlegzs80]

If I went to school and could get the services from the counsellors there I would do it in a heart beat. The thing is, I am fine with being alone to a certain extent. I just would like to find a decent friend, but that would involve me to actually do something for myself to get to that part of finding someone to would be a worth while friend. I guess it just takes time, like everything else.

 

But thank you everyone who has replied to my thread. IT has helped and I know I have to do something about my ways to meet people half way.

[Karlise]

It's also possible that these people you were hanging with had NO CLUE you felt left out.

 

If you're naturally quiet, people may assume that you don't care to participate in conversation. They may figure you're just fine hanging back and observing, rather than taking part.

 

It really does work both ways.

 

And believe me, I relate to your situation. I'd go to parties and think, "These stupid idiots...not ONE of them made any effort to ask me about myself or include me!"

 

Later I'd find out that people found me 'unapproachable' and 'difficult to read'

 

Sometimes it's not that they're rude... it is possible they are not sure how you WANT to be treated.

[monkey00]

sarah:

dont blame them , dont blame yourself.

 

some ppl just click better with certain ppl and some dont. if you are happy with the way you are and how things are going, that's great! keep it up. but if you want some change in your life, you should learn well to adapt to certain situations and people. i mean, just think about it, how do ppl get where they are in their jobs when @ the interviews if they dont learn the ropes of communicating well through their socializing skills. JUST gotta learn how to adapt well in certain situations, remember this.

survival of the fittest right?

 

you claim those girls to be rude....well yes and no i'd agree to.

 

put yourself in their shoes, you have your very close group of friends you click with and chat with a lot and with ease cause your personality likes to socialize at gatherings. but if this 1 or 2 ppl that tagged along was quiet, what would think of them??

 

i know that if im with my friends and a reserved guy tagged along, i'd assume he doesnt know how to have fun/enjoy the moment, doesnt like to socialize, and in general just killing our mood just being around him.....why?? cause it's tough to have fun with friends when you know someone else isnt having fun, it's just tough on the group of ppl, it really is. that's why its important understand how your co-workers might have felt at that time.

 

they might have been rude, i mean, they could have at least tried to bring you into the mood by asking questions relating to you or bring you into their conversation.

i mean whenever i hangout with a friend's friends, usually my friend will try to make everyone happy by introducing us and try to make our time out a blast.

[longlegzs80]

I agree with everyone. I need to be more out there and just be more sociable to fit in with society and to meet different people. I guess I was so irritated that night because I was in such a rush to be someplace where I did not want to be, but was begged to go to cellebrate a friends birthday.

 

So, I do need a change, but it would be nice to find someone who would not want to go out in such a big group, and just find someone who wants to do a variety of stuff and just to enjoy eachothers company.

[Tkay]

i kinda recognize the "old me" in your story.

I tought i had lots of friends, cool friends, but when it came to important things they weren't my friends. It were just "people i know". I'm a quiet guy, then didnt dislike me being around them but they didnt care either. I found some new friends, with whom i get along great, and I talk more to them.

Try to find new friends that are like u!

[Arabess]

I'm prone to agree with Karlise.....

 

But let me ask you a question. Do you change to being more sociable when you drink? If so.....it may mask a FEAR rather than an inherent personality trait. Some people are just more shy and less social.....but if that shyness and lack of social prowess causes them to lose what they want.....even if it's a good time....then maybe it isn't representing who the person is.....but is just the result of some hidden fear.

 

I'll admit....I'm MUCH LESS SOCIAL when not drinking face to face. Now, on the computer I'm much the same...but in real life.....I can actually be fairly quiet.

 

WHY? Because there is a fear connected to one to one confrontations for me.

 

Check it out.....so it'll give you a better understanding of who the real you is.