hcromwell Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 This time last week i sat on a couch opposite my wife...hearing her tell our 2 mutual friends that there was NO WAY for us to reconcile. She would not go to anymore therapy, counselors or retrovaille weekend. She was done(a sentiment she has slowly but surely been saying more and more) Her friends got on her for sending mixed signals...she had been kissing me recently hello and goodbye...something she had not done in months. Earlier that day i woke her up and pressed her on the state of our marriage..she has been riding the fence for 2 years. Every time i push it she jumps off on the wrong side. She could not say she loves me anymore...only as father of her kids. I have been hearing this for a while and i got upset. I told her she can leave...find an apt etc. I do not want a divorce but this can't go on like this.. I said we she tell the kids...calling her bluff on this because i was sick of it. We told kids, they cried...we had a horrible next few days. I made and canceled 2 lawyer appts...she de appt with mediator(she can't afford lawyer) She slept on couch...i stayed in bed. I wrote letter to her therapist...said i don't want divorce...love her and my family...he told her...she came home and we nicely discussed the status again...She said we need to still go to mediation and any therapy sessions for us to be good parents together during this time. She said she was happy i was going to counselor and that maybe if get help...this can work. i invited her to come back to bed...first day she said no but then she came back and seems like she is staying back in bedroom. The thing is...we still have appt with mediator this week...and i asked her why we are going. She said for information. We also still have appt with family counselor to help kids deal. Needless to say i am confused... Everyone who knows both of us...says my wife is so lost...and i do know that i push her into things trying to make her feel for me again. When i do she ops for out of the marriage. She said to my sister this week...i can't even care for myself...forget my husabnd A friend said today...she might be just putting a smile on the same feeling as last week,.or that since she has no way to support herself after a divorce...she is getting cold feet. I do not want a divorce...even though the writing is on the wall at times...and my friends are all pushing me...but i feel like my wife is lost(or hormonally challenged)....the stress of life is so apparent on her face...cold sores and Rosacea.... She is on birth control that gives her a period every three months....convinced this has a LITTLE something to do with things if i go to mediator this week...how do i act...there is a small part of me that wants to move on but i am so not going to because of my kids...but what if she wants out...i can't relay stop her... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! any thoughts are appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Could you add some details? She wants a divorce, Why? What are her issues? How old are your kids? How long have you been together, ages, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hcromwell Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 How old are your kids? ...3 kids 12 and 10(twins) How long have you been together, ages, etc. married 17 years next month She wants a divorce, Why? What are her issues? She came to me 2 years ago on trip to myrtle beach and when i reached for her hand she pulled away and out came 15 years of why i suck. She is passive aggressive and never spoke up for herself this way until then. She wishes i had hit her because it would be easier for her to leave. Not "in love" with me anymore. She had during that time(she refuses to buy this) an EA on facebook...not real romantic but a connection that i asked her to end and she did. Also during that time...my business got killed by the economy and went belly up...and so did we..last 2 years been rebuilding my financial life. Its not all roses now but i am much more stable and have good prospects. Did i mention i reinvented myself all by myself? She kicked me when i was down...blamed all the finances on me. Took zero blame. She wanted a big car... big house etc. Anyway, we did MC and its was fine...end of day issues are all hers(therapists words, not mine). She stayed on and does IC and all it seems to be doing is helping her leave. Not to make this post long i'll keep it simple...she hates men...her father was an ass...as was most any male figure in her life. I am only one not to kick her to the curb and i'm paying for it. She is borderline abusive to me...she constantly points out all the things wrong with me....to others...in front of the kids...etc. Says i can't handle truth. BS. Now my biggest fault is i want what i want when i want it...i want her to "get over" this and love me again. Which i understand rationally is stupid...but emotionally i need it. I don't want a divorce at all...but most friends are saying time to move on. She can go months living without any connection...and its fine...for me its torture...and i then i push for more and she gets her back up and she says she is "Done". I am truly lost. I want to save this but is it worth it? Are all these stops and starts...her really not knowing, is she afraid or does she not want to hurt me. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Oh jeez, I've been down this road -- as have a lot of us. The Dumper (your wife) is able to rattle off a looong litany of deficiencies about you. She convinces herself - and almost you - that the Problem is all YOU. It requires no effort or work or thought on her part if she can affix sole blame upon you. That said, you need to distance yourself from her for a bit. Yes, it's counter-intuitive to everything you FEEL, but it's about self-preservation. The more you hammer on about protecting a long sacred history of marriage, the more she is going to figuratively spit in your face. Trust me, I've been down this path exactly. The more you cling, the more she will be justified in her perception that you are the Problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hcromwell Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 my dad has been telling me this forever...hard to do....i am guy after all...getting backed up a little...if ya know what i mean... Serious, every time i push...she gets more resolute...its a crazy way to live. What is my tipping point? anyway...how would you play the mediator session tomorrow? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hcromwell Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 Her behavior and statements suggests she has been having an affair for the past two years. You need to get to the bottom of this if you want to reconcile. i hope not but i also really truly believe she isn't...time alone is a factor...unless she is doing it for the 2 minutes she is alone a every day.... Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Finally Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Cromwell, Your break up sounds alot like what I am going through. On and off, on and off. The difference is my wife had both an EA and a PA once, and two additional PA's in the 11 years we have been married. I know the pain. I know what is going through your head. It's got to the point that I have now evolved myself in a PA and EA...not proud of it, it sort of just happened. But I don't regret it. It felt good to be wanted again. She blames everything on me as well. Very similar situations. Financially we have not had downfalls. But we won't divorce because we can't afford it..neither of us at the moment. The cost of living is so bad here..... She actually said our marriage is now a business arrangement. Crazy. My wife frequently goes home to VA and has "guitar lessons" with a guy friend, yet she can't play a damn thing on the guitar. I also have 3 kids; 13, 10 and 7. She berates me in front of them. Plays the "good parent" by letting them get away with everything that's against the rules of the house and then when I correct it I hear "Don't worry when dad goes, you can do what ever you want". Her little plan is working. I took a break and went home (Ohio, it's a few states away) for four days. When I got home the house was a mess, no chores were done, and none of the kids daily routines were done. I made them do it and I get "It was so much better when it was only mom" I agree with worldgonewrong...his post makes so much sense. In fact since I started distancing myself from her...I have felt like a better man. And other women have come on to me while out with friends. It is a great feeling. Just give yourself some room. And I am there with you.... Link to post Share on other sites
WhumOwens Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 Now my biggest fault is i want what i want when i want it...i want her to "get over" this and love me again. Which i understand rationally is stupid...but emotionally i need it. I don't want a divorce at all...but most friends are saying time to move on. She can go months living without any connection...and its fine...for me its torture...and i then i push for more and she gets her back up and she says she is "Done". I am truly lost. I want to save this but is it worth it? Are all these stops and starts...her really not knowing, is she afraid or does she not want to hurt me. hello hcomwell, i understand that you really love her, but take this as an challenge to your life, it's not easy to love a person who doesn't love you back, it's like forcing her to be with you but she doesn't got a reason to be with you anymore, I know it really hurts, or may be just like the others say she has someone else. For me, I think the best solution is to seperate with her, if that's what will make her happy? You should also be aware on laws about divorce before making decisions, it will make you knowledgeable in these situations. You should also make your kids ready for this, cause it will affect them so much. hopefully you can manage to deal this correctly. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 my dad has been telling me this forever...hard to do....i am guy after all...getting backed up a little...if ya know what i mean... Serious, every time i push...she gets more resolute...its a crazy way to live. What is my tipping point? It is a crazy way to live, it's a miserable way to live my friend. I guess you have to ask yoruself how long you are willing to stay in a relationship that has no benefit to you. I know how hard it must be to wake up every day hoping for something that isn't happening. All I can tell you is that living in a marriage where you can't find a connection, no matter how much you want to, is the most lonley place I've ever been in, in my life. The hardest thing I ever had to do was leave my husband. I didn't want the marriage to be over- but I'd reached such a level of lonley, there came a point where I had no choice. Maybe it's time to stop waiting for her to figure out what she wants- and take a stand for yourself. It's not an easy thing to do, but you just can't live like this anymore- you can't. If she can't make the decision, it might be time for you to make it for both of you. This entails mustering a kind of strength you might not think you have- but you have to reach down deep and find it for the sake of your own sanity. No one is happy- she's not happy, the kids aren't happy, you're all suffering. I'd go to the mediation and find out what your options are. I am really sorry you are going through this. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 Sorry to read the details. The Book of Bad. I don't know how they do it but they can reach back years, for some incident, the give you the date, time, location and weather report when you make a mistake. And you have no defence. The sad part is that most times they take some little thing and twist it around to make you the bad guy. As an example, I once told a former gf that she looked good that day. Her replay was "You mean I didn't look good yesterday?" It turns out she was miffed at me for not telling her she looked good the day before And she wondered why I broke it off It looks as if you have two nasty choices. Stay with her Or pay her child support and miss seeing your kids every day. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 "unless she is doing it the 2 minutes she is alone every day" There could be part of the problem. Our family had a big scare less than a year after my youngest niece was born, as my sister seemingy became gravely ill and had to be hospitalized fro a multiple of symptoms, including paralysis. The first diagnosis was that she probably would never walk of be mobile again. After several days of tests the medical staff diagnosed nervous breakdown. She was a SAHM, the eldest daughter was just about school age, and now the youngest was just getting close to walking. The problem was she was never getting a break from them and her body reacted To her being with the kids was just part of the job that she gladly accepted. In the months that followed she had to learn to take time away from the kids and it worked The problem never returned, both daughters are now married and her oldest grandchild is nearing his 20th birthday Maybe this is something the two of you might look into Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 You simply can't make a relationship work with a woman that hates men. They often make the one man who actually treats them well pay for the sins of others and nothing you ever do will be good enough. You can be the kindest and most loving man that ever existed and you are still scum to them because you have a penis. You are dealing with the same kind of thing my father dealt with. No matter how he treated her all she did was abuse and belittle him. Unless she wants to seriously deal with these issues you are better off getting out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hcromwell Posted March 29, 2011 Author Share Posted March 29, 2011 thanks for all the heartfelt advice...i don't want a divorce but i do need a decision. I have let her walk all over me emotionally... Maybe i go to mediation and say let "get er done" We'll see if she is serious Link to post Share on other sites
Author hcromwell Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 went to "informational" mediation session...if we're going to do it...this would be the way. Anyway, they asked us where we are...wife said she wants to begin to learn about the process. I said divorce off the table for me but if she wants it can't stop her and i want her to be happy. Long story short...couple of times she tried to stick it to me....but we actually had a good time if that isn't crazy enough. We left and my vibe was that the mediators weren't buying her story that she really wanted a divorce either. It is out her reach financially right now too....so i asked her out for a drink...we visited some old ground...i copped to white lie about a traffic ticket that was pissing her off. Need to stop that...the white lies kill her. Anyway, status quo...she is probably still disgusted by me but she knows she really has no choice right now but to try and work it out again. Me I am just going to leave her be...work on myself and my kids...and see what happens. I am a bit torn too..don't want a divorce but if she never warms to me a again...brutal to live like this Link to post Share on other sites
Author hcromwell Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 Summer now here and its worse than ever...she still wants a divorce and she has the money now since she gets to save while i pay 90% of the bills. I have SOOOO many people telling me its over...what is in me that i won't do it? She flat out says to me...its done. Am i that thick? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 what is in me that i won't do it? Fear of being alone, unloved, unremembered. Fear of failure. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 Summer now here and its worse than ever...she still wants a divorce and she has the money now since she gets to save while i pay 90% of the bills. I have SOOOO many people telling me its over...what is in me that i won't do it? She flat out says to me...its done. Am i that thick? Have you ruled out that she may be seeing someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hcromwell Posted July 11, 2011 Author Share Posted July 11, 2011 Have you ruled out that she may be seeing someone else? yes i have actually Link to post Share on other sites
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